The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e08 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Come on, Peter!
Give somebody else a chance!
All I was doing was brushing my teeth.
Well, how many teeth have you got?
The same amount as you,
but my mouth isn't as big as yours.
Oh, ho, ho.
It's all yours, Your Highness.
Oh, very
Cindy!
( Chuckles )
Cindy!
Marcia, wait a minute. That's my bike.
I know. Mine has a flat. I won't be long.
( Music playing over TV )
( Switch clicks )
What are you doing?
I was watching a movie.
Jan, we want to watch a ball game.
Yeah, you can watch
a movie any old time.
But I want to see this movie.
Come on.
( Talking over each other )
( knob clatters on floor )
That's your fault!
It is not! You broke it! You made me.
Now we're going to miss
the ball game. I did not!
( Arguing loudly )
Okay! Okay! Everybody, please.
Now, what's the problem?
I'll tell you what the problem is.
You have to wait in line
for everything around here.
Someone's always borrowing
your things.
I never have any privacy
because I've got too many
brothers and sisters.
I wish I were an only child.
I have to live
with five brothers and sisters
all day every day.
Okay, honey,
but they have to live with you, too.
Well, I wish they didn't.
I'm tired of getting pushed around.
Jan, you're not getting pushed around.
Listen, when you live in a large family,
you have to learn to
give and take a little bit.
Well, my friend Donna doesn't.
She doesn't have any of these problems.
Yeah, but does your friend Donna
have any brothers and sisters?
No, and she couldn't be happier.
She doesn't have to wait for the phone
or the bathroom or anything.
She has all the privacy she wants.
Now, just a minute, Jan.
There are two sides to that.
Donna also doesn't have anyone
to help her with her homework
or to play with or to go places with.
Well, that sounds great.
Well, Jan, what's good for one person
isn't always good for another.
Listen, I think you
ought to consider yourself
a very lucky young lady.
Hear, hear.
Mom, Donna invited me
to spend Saturday night at her house.
Okay?
Saturday night?
Now, Jan, you know that's
the night of the square dance.
We're going to be a square.
Well, couldn't Alice take my part?
Well, yes, I suppose she could,
but it wouldn't be the same
without you, honey.
We're going as a family.
That's what I mean!
Donna doesn't have to do family things.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have
any brothers or sisters.
Then I could do what I wanted
without anybody to bug me.
Hi, Alice.
Hi.
Hey, there's one left.
( Grunts ): Bobby, you come back here!
Alice
Yeah, Bobby, you come back here!
Why am I hollering
for Bobby to come back here?
'Cause he just took my apple.
Oh, well, if that's all
that's bothering you, no problem.
Well, that was the last apple, Alice.
Oh, no, no.
This is the last apple.
You're something else, Alice. Thanks.
CAROL: Alice?
Mr. Brady's going to drive me
to the market
to pick up a few things.
I thought we finished
all the shopping yesterday.
Oh, but this is for something special.
I decided to make strawberry preserves
for the auction at the charity hoedown.
You did? Yeah.
Something wrong?
Oh, no, no, it's just
that I was going to make
strawberry preserves
for the auction myself.
Oh. Well, mine are from my
grandmother's secret recipe, Alice.
Won four blue ribbons with it.
Must've been really something. Yeah.
My aunt's secret recipe won six ribbons.
Look, Alice, why can't
we both make preserves?
I mean, there's no
contest between us, right?
Right, right.
Okay. I-I'll go pick up those things.
Uh, by the way
what's in your aunt's secret recipe?
Oh, I guess most of the same things
that are in your
grandmother's secret recipe.
Well, bye.
Bye.
There. Oh, there they are.
Hey, these sacks will be great
for the potato-sack race at the hoedown.
Yeah. Uh don't you think
we'd better clean them out first?
Nah, we'll just jump the dust out of them.
Hi. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Have you got a problem?
No. We're just getting
the sacks ready for the race.
Maybe we'll win a prize. Yeah.
Yeah. Wait till you see what we got
for the square dance. Yeah.
Wow. Look here.
Think the rain's gonna hurt the rhubarb?
No, but I sure hope it kills the corn.
Hey, it should be a lot of
fun Saturday night, huh?
Yeah. You know, I hope Jan
changes her mind
and decides to come with us.
Well, honey, don't worry if she doesn't.
Jan's going through a phase.
She's thinks she doesn't have
any privacy.
It'll pass.
We all treat each other the same.
She has as much
privacy as the rest of us.
Well, be a little considerate of her
till she gets over her phase.
( With Southern twang ): Okay, we'll try
and take kindly to the critter.
( With Southern twang ):
Yes, sir, we'll try.
( All laughing )
The reason I called, Amy,
is that groovy red hair
and mysterious green eyes
really turn me on.
It's Greg Brady.
You remember, I talked
to you in school yesterday
about the charity hoedown
Saturday night.
Yeah, well, I thought if you were going
Oh, it never fails!
One of them's always on the phone
when you want to use it.
Do you mind? I'm trying to
Uh, uh, Jan, listen, if you need it,
I'll let you have the phone.
Listen, Amy, can I call you back later?
Okay, good-bye.
Here you are, Jan. It's all yours.
Gee, thanks.
75, 80, 90, 95.
I've got 95 cents. How much you got?
I got 60 cents.
Let's see. 95 and 60.
That's $1.55.
Hey, that's more than we need.
What is this big financial transaction?
We finally got enough money
to buy a trick rope
for the square dance Saturday night.
Don't forget that 95 cents
of that rope is mine.
You only get to use 60 cents' worth.
Okay. I'll take 30 cents' worth
on each end.
Now, I don't understand that,
but it sounds mighty shrewd.
Look, Alice. Hmm?
Isn't that a pretty bracelet?
Oh, yeah. It's absolutely free.
Well, you'd better read that small print
and see how free that "free" is.
Well, you do have to subscribe
to this new teen magazine for $1.50,
and as usual, I'm broke.
Think we ought to lend Jan the money?
Are you nuts?
What for?
To be considerate,
like Mom and Dad said.
Look, she's done
a lot of nice things for you.
Like what?
Well, like
well, like she helped you
with your homework.
Homework's one thing. Money's another.
Well, I'm going to lend her my money.
There goes the rope trick.
You can put your money
back in your bank
or you can be a nice guy.
What a rotten choice.
Hey, Jan, how'd you like to get
that money for your bracelet?
Would I?
But it's only a loan.
What's the catch?
No catch. Just pay it back
whenever you can.
Don't rush.
We're just trying to help you, that's all.
Gee, thanks.
That was a very nice gesture, fellows.
You deserve to have
something nice done for you.
How about giving us $1.55?
Come on.
Ow! Freckles aren't supposed to hurt.
That's enough.
Cindy, you want to see how you'll look
before you go
to the square dance, don't you?
Yeah, but you better
not put too many on me,
or else they won't let me in.
Why?
They'll think I have the measles.
( laughs ) Hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry, Jan.
I was sitting on your bed.
I'll straighten it out.
I'll clean these things off your desk
in case you want to use it.
Oh, and any time you
want your bed straightened,
I'll be glad to do it. Cindy, come on.
Let's do the freckles downstairs, okay?
CINDY: Have a nice privacy!
Alice, would you like to see
what's in my recipe?
I mean, I really have no secrets.
No, I know you don't, Mrs. Brady.
I wouldn't want my recipe
to be a secret, either.
Alice, could I borrow
some of the sugar, please?
Oh, sure.
Thanks. Mm-hmm.
Hmm, very interesting.
One cup of sugar
to three-quarters of a cup of fruit.
Oh, is that what I used?
Mm.
Three dashes, huh?
Oh, well, who counts?
I think mine's ready to boil.
Mine, too.
Hey, what's cooking?
Oh, hi, honey.
Alice and I are making
strawberry preserves
for the charity auction.
Yes, Mrs. Brady and I
are both making
preserves for the auction.
Honey, which pot
do you think looks the best?
What is this, a contest?
No. Are you kidding? Absolutely not.
Not at all. We were just curious.
Yeah, listen, just to satisfy
my own curiosity,
I came in about my overalls.
Either these things
were made for Paul Bunyan
or two guys to wear at the same time.
Ouch!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Well, look, look, just stay still, okay?
Could you use shorter pins there?
Well, try not to move.
Okay, how that's for length, Mr. Brady?
Let's see Ow!
Mike, I told you not to move.
Well, you leave the length
to me, Mr. Brady.
I'll make sure they're high enough
to show your purple checkered socks.
Bring a tourniquet. I'm bleeding to death.
Alice, have you seen my magazine?
Well, isn't that it?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Reckon I'd better go get myself
some more pins.
Okay, now just stand still like that.
Oh, Jan, listen, would you like to try on
your dress for the square dance?
How come you got me one?
Well, I just thought
maybe you'd change your mind
and come with us.
Yeah, we're going to have a lot of fun.
Well, I promised Donna that I'd
spend Saturday night with her.
Well, couldn't you spend
some other night with Donna?
I guess.
I'll have to think about it.
What are you doing?
Standing still.
( laughs )
Oh you can use the stairs
if you want to.
I'll wait till later.
Cindy, what's going on around here?
I was just trying to be considerate.
Everybody is.
How come everybody's
so nice to me all of a sudden?
Because we're supposed to be.
What do you mean, supposed to be?
We're supposed to be nice to you
until you get over your problem.
Then we can forget about you again.
So that's it!
I didn't really mean Come on.
JAN: Greg, Bobby, Peter!
BOBBY: What does she want?
GREG: What's going on?
Marcia, come in here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
GREG: Jan, what's this about?
Okay, you can just cut
out the special treatment.
Cindy told me everything.
Well, not everything.
Just what I wasn't supposed to.
You're a bunch of fakes.
That's what you are.
What do you mean, fakes?
I don't need your help,
and I don't need your special treatment.
Jan, take it easy.
And I don't need you for
brothers and sisters, either.
See? Never lend a relative money.
Who asked you to do it?
If I were an only child,
I wouldn't have any
phony brothers and sisters.
Who needs you?
You mean that, Jan?
You're right. I sure do.
Well, if that's what you want,
I'm sure it could be arranged,
right, you guys?
( Agreements muttered )
You just lost yourself
five brothers and sisters.
And you can have the whole house
to yourself. Great.
For us, too.
As far as you're concerned,
we don't even exist.
Yeah, we're not even here!
GREG: Consider us invisible.
Come on, gang, let's disappear.
Yeah, let's go.
BOBBY: Let's disappear.
Why are we leaving for?
Yeah, this is our room.
( "Turkey in the Straw" playing )
Isn't this great, Donna?
I can talk on the phone
whenever I want as long as I want.
Well, I'll explain Saturday night
when I sleep over at your house.
Oh, that music's just my family practicing
for that corny square dance.
( Shouting and squealing )
I think that's enough for tonight.
As they say down on the farm,
Pappy's pooped.
( All laugh )
MARCIA: Oh, wow, that was fun.
Do you mind?
I'd like to go upstairs.
Don't mind us.
We're invisible, remember?
( Sighs )
Now, what was that all about?
Oh, we agreed to make a deal with her.
What kind of a deal?
Well, she's always complaining
about wanting to be an only child.
So what's the deal?
That's the way she wants it.
When she's around, we don't exist.
We're invisible.
Uh-oh, Mike. What do you think?
Well, I think it's better if the kids
sometimes work out
things for themselves.
You know, if that's the
kind of medicine Jan wants,
I think she's about to get a big dose of it.
Well, here we go.
See you later, Mom.
Where are you going, honey?
To the library.
Okay, but be back by 1:00.
Alice doesn't run
an all-day lunch counter.
Hey! Just a minute, you.
What? What do you think you're doing?
That's my sweater.
So what? I always borrow your sweater.
Well, not anymore.
You no longer have a
sister named Marcia,
and if there's no Marcia,
there's no Marcia's sweater.
But, Marcia Okay, kids, okay.
Mom, we made a deal, remember?
Yes, I remember.
And I'm sticking to it.
Jan, do you want to stick to it?
Yes.
Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater
and vanish.
That's not fair.
I'm afraid it is, honey.
You can't have it both ways.
So long.
Finished your second
hamburger already, partner?
Yep.
I mean, for a little varmint,
you got the fastest mouth in the west.
I'm sorry I'm late, Alice.
Guess Bobby ate the last hamburger.
Oh, no. Remember, honey,
I came from a large family myself,
and it teaches you
to be ready for any emergency.
This is the last hamburger.
Thank you, Alice.
Now, I can't tell you
where I got 'em stashed,
but in case you need 'em,
I also have the last pear,
the last peach and the last banana.
Okay. Pass the potato chips, Bobby.
I said pass the potato chips.
Alice, will you pass what's-her-name
the potato chips?
They're right in front of you.
Your arms suddenly got short?
Well, you see, I can't pass them.
I'm not here.
You're not here?
BOBBY: That's right.
How about you, Jan? Are you here?
Of course I'm here.
You're here but he's isn't?
That's right.
Hi, Alice.
How about you, Greg?
How about me, what?
Are you here?
He isn't here, either.
Yeah, that's right.
Will somebody please tell me
what's not going on around here?
I guess we should have
filled you in, Alice.
Sit down and I'll explain.
Before I sit down, tell me one thing.
What? Is that chair here?
( Both laughing )
( laughs )
Right in the face.
I wonder what kind of pie that was.
Wasn't that funny, Pete?
( Dog barks on TV )
Isn't that terrific
the way they can make those dogs
do those backflips?
I wonder how they do that.
Isn't that cute, Cindy?
Hey, Marcia, would you?
MIKE: Hi, honey, I'm home.
We're in here, Mike.
Hey, I do believe
I've died and gone to strawberry heaven.
You want a taste?
Sure. Okay.
Mm, fantastic!
Well, that's Grandma's
old recipe for you.
Try mine, Mr. Brady.
Yeah.
Alice, that's out of this world.
Good old Aunt Millie.
Do you think Alice's
tastes better than mine?
Well, I didn't say that, honey.
You mean Mrs. Brady's
tastes better than mine?
I didn't say that, either.
Well, uh, what do you say?
Tell it like it is, Mr. Brady.
Well
Yes?
Let me put it this way.
Yes?
I don't want to scrub the kitchen.
I don't want to sleep in the den.
I ain't saying.
Chicken.
On your mark, get set go!
Go, Cindy, come on!
Come on, Bobby! Come on, Bobby!
( Shouting over each other )
Hurry, go!
PETER: Come on, Bobby!
Go! Go!
Catch 'em! Catch 'em! Go!
MARCIA: Good! Come on back!
GREG: Come on back!
Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.
Mind if I watch?
No.
Not if you find supermarkets interesting.
I'm crazy about supermarkets.
Wouldn't you rather be doing
something more interesting?
Uh-uh. This is very interesting.
I think the kids are out back
practicing the sack race.
I know.
Looks dull.
( Sniffles )
Besides, they probably wouldn't want me
out there anyway.
Well, you know, sweetheart,
sometimes when you make a deal
that turns out badly,
the best thing to do is to get out of it.
Did they say it was a bad deal?
No, no, no, but you never know.
Sometimes when you find
it's turned out badly,
there's every chance that,
uh, they think it has, too, huh?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, come on.
You think about it, hmm?
Okay. Here.
Okay?
Yeah.
Go get 'em.
The boys against the girls.
Wait, wait, wait. Cindy can't hop as far.
Yeah, I have shorter legs.
( All shouting and arguing )
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Come on, Cindy, we'll team up
and we'll beat them. I'll be the lineman.
Bobby, come on.
GREG: Hurry up.
I'm going to start right away.
On your marks, get set
go!
( All shouting )
Look out!
No! Come on!
Move it, Jan!
I won't! No! Move it.
No! Run along, Miss Only Child.
Well, if I'm an only child,
this is my backyard.
( All talking and shouting )
All right!
I'll get out of your way
on a couple of conditions.
What?
That you let me in the race.
Yeah?
And that you promise to be
my brothers and sisters again.
Are you sure that's what you want, Jan?
Positive.
Once you've been pushed around
by brothers and sisters like you,
you sure do miss it.
Nice to have you back.
GREG: Hey, Jan, grab a sack.
I'll be your partner!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I forgot something. I'll be right back.
Hey, where are you going, honey?
To call Donna to tell her I can't stay over
because I'm going to the hoedown.
Oh, that's terrific! Hey!
Hey, I've got an idea.
Is it okay if I invite Donna
to come with us?
Sure. That's a good idea.
Good. Then she won't be
an only child, either.
GREG: Hey, Alice.
Why don't you fill in for Jan?
I need a partner.
Oh, no. No thanks.
Oh, go on, Alice. Oh, come on.
You can do it. Chicken,
chicken, chicken, chicken.
All right, I'll give it a try.
Hey, what are we standing here for?
That looks like fun.
Well, I'm game if you are.
Come on.
On your mark, get set, go!
( All talking excitedly )
I know why they only have
this hoedown once a year.
Why? Whew! Takes that long
for your feet to recover.
Okay, everybody, it's been a big night.
Let's hit the sack.
PETER: Okay, Dad,
we'll be up in a minute.
( All talking )
( Alice whistles )
Hold it, gang, hold it!
Now, look, I've had a long, hard day,
and I am pooped, so please,
until tomorrow morning,
it's my turn to be invisible.