Workin' Moms (2017) s04e08 Episode Script

1
Charlie?
Are you in here, Honey?
Oh my God, do not lick anything,
okay?
Baby, I need you to say
something, okay?
This is not a game.
Charlie?!
Charlie?! Charlie?!
Charlie, where are you?!
Charlie?!
Oof! Ungh!
Rhoda, that's enough screen
time, please.
Rhoda?!
Oh my God
Oh my God, it's Maybel.
Posture. Thank you.
Did you use Mommy's
products in your hair?
- I knew it.
- Anne!
- Anne!
- Jamye, honey, are you hungry?
Do you want a snack?
- No.
- No. Okay.
Would anyone care to share
a latest accomplishment?
- Oh, Charlie.
- What the fuck?
Well, I went food shopping
the other day.
I mean, like, I ordered it from home.
Like on an app?
But still, it got there.
That's excellent!
I was hoping you were going to report
progress on another front.
You mean progress with my buttons, Val?
Or how 'bout my zippers?!
Or my snaps?!
Or putting on my own pants?!
Nope! Not much progress
to report,
thank you very much!
But you know what?
My mom says I don't have to learn that.
Just wearing a giant t-shirt
is fine enough.
Right, Mommy?
Mmmmuah!
Mama.
I don't mean to be rude,
- but what is that smell?
- Oh, don't be cute.
Alicia, you know that Charlie
crapped himself.
Yeah, but isn't he just
wearing a shirt?
Is it in your lap, Kate?
No! It is not in your lap,
- is it, Kate?
- Oh man
Your child knows how
to button his pants
and use the toilet, right?
Kate, can you please change him?
He smells very, very bad.
This is not happening.
Please! Everybody leave
my mom alone!
Ugh! I'm sorry I'm a monster,
okay, Mom?!
I'm a monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster, 'kay?!
Monster.
Would Kay Monster please report
to the snack bar?
Kay Monster,
please report to the snack bar.
Monster.
Would Kay Monster please report
to the snack bar?
Kay Monster
Please report to the snack bar.
Charlie
Charlie?!
No!
Seriously?!
Hey. Yeah, Reg, uh,
can you just open the house
and get it started?
Thanks. I'll be there
as soon as I can.
No. Way.
Goddamit! Citizens arrest!
- Ungh!
- I hate you! Son-of-a-bitch!
- Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!
- You crazy?
Where is it?!
Where is it?!
I know it's in here!
- Right, oh right, yeah, Sean.
- Huh.
Timothy.
Bruce? Really?
Solomon. All right.
There's only one Solomon in my life,
and he shits his pants.
I'm calling the cops.
Jesus.
Ungh!
Hello.
Do you have a citizen's arrest
division?
Yes, I'll hold.
Um
come on.
Hello?!
Fuck!
Think.
Oh my God, Anne? Anne?
I'm just gonna come out say it.
Is Maya your new best friend or what?
What? I can't talk
about that right now.
Listen to me, I'm in trouble.
I have lost Charlie
in the Admiral Weed Beer factory and
- What?
- Locked in the stairwell
Kate, what?!
Anne?
Oh my God.
Goddammit.
Oh fuck.
All right.
I'm Kay Monster, I'm
Char Charlie.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh my God, you're okay!
I guess this little guy's
been asking for you then?
Oh my God, is your head okay?
Oh, yeah. No, it's great actually.
You were hungry, so you got
yourself a snack?
He just marched right in here,
picked that cookie, paid for it!
- You knew how to do that?
- He seemed pretty competent.
He even went and used the bathroom.
He what? Did you have
to pressure him to
pull his pants up?
I mean, the button,
he's terr-he's terrible
at buttons. Did you
Oh, no, no, no. I didn't go
in there with him.
Was I supposed to?
Oh, you knew how to do it
by yourself, huh?
You even knew to say Kate Foster.
Uh, well, he didn't exactly
get your name right.
Hey, buddy, he's literally
killing at life right now.
Totally. I'm sorry.
Yeah, he's awesome.
He's great.
Fuckin', damn straight he is!
Sorry about the trapped elevator.
Very thirsty though.
Very thirsty.
Oh, guys! Look who I found!
- Oh! Thank goodness.
- Hey! Little man!
- What happened to you?
- Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Jesus.
Yeah, I'm sorry I had
to leave the tour like that.
Not my most professional moment.
Oh, I think I drank too much water.
Uh, I can hear it my belly.
Listen to that.
Sounds like a waterbed.
Oh, I have always liked
the idea of a waterbed.
Like you're drifting out to sea
- Hmm
- William, you seem relaxed.
Well, I don't
feel like running into traffic,
but this guy is clearly high.
Uh, look, now, hold on now.
The, the, the beer, it's not
usually this strong.
Okay, Craig
Look, there was a fuck up today,
but yeah, a couple batches
got overdosed.
- What?
- Um
I can assure you,
none of that left the premises!
Trust me, they're taking
every possible precaution.
Kate, oh my God, did you find him?!
- Oh, hi, buddy!
- Anne! What're you doing here?
What do you mean, what am I doing here?
- I am saving your life!
- Well
You sounded like you were in
a "Saw Movie"! Dude, your head!
I know. It looks worse than it is.
- Oh my God, is it this shit?
- What?
Is this what you were drinking
when you fucked your face up?
Did you not learn anything
- when Alice almost got arrested?
- Uh
- Um, who's Alice?
- My 13-year-old daughter.
Her and her idiot friends
drank this stuff
and destroyed Kate's office.
- Is that true?
- Wha wait, what?
Okay
Anne, I'd like to introduce
you to Craig, the CEO of Après
and William, a reporter
writing on the safety of this product.
Mm shit.
So you of all people must
agree with me
this product is too dangerous.
- It should be banned.
- Well
Mm
But that would only make it
more desirable.
- Look, I'm a psychiatrist.
- You are?
I'm actually writing about
this right now.
Oh, well, what does the
professional community think?
That this is a very
complicated situation
and that should be taken on
a case by case basis.
And, in my case,
I came to the conclusion
that my daughter needs more freedom.
- Let her run her own train.
- Excuse me?
Okay, uh so what I think
Anne is saying,
uh, in, in uh, in her own way,
is that weed isn't going
anywhere. Right, Anne?
Yeah.
Yes, and weed beer's not
going anywhere.
So the smartest thing you can
do, William, is
is to write about that.
Uh, if you really wanna keep
the public protected,
if you wanna keep them safe,
educate them, empower them.
You make a fair point.
Hey, hey.
Come here, buddy.
Come here, man.
- Love you.
- Oh.
Let's get you cleaned up. I
got some wet wipes in the car.
Oh, thank God.
You okay, buddy?
I could've driven.
Dude, I'm not saying it again.
You may have a concussion.
I'm gonna tell Nathan to wake
you up every 45 minutes.
- You don't have to do that.
- No, I'm gonna talk to him.
With or without your hands
around his throat?
Sorry I haven't been that
supportive of your decision.
I do think I made it up to you
back there though.
Big time.
- You stole the show.
- Thank you!
No, excuse me, I'm talking
to your outfit.
Is it hard to work at a record
store all day
when you just wanna jam
in a band, Cool Outfit?
Sorry I'm not as cool as
your other mom friends.
You mean Maya?
Maya is not my best friend,
you idiot. You are.
I would literally leave Nathan
in an amusement park,
starving and alone with both kids,
- if it meant losing you.
- Yes! Oh my God, me too!
- I'd be like, "Bye, Lionel!"
- "Keep 'em alive!"
- They'd be fine.
- Exactly!
So what's the issue here?
We're sisters.
Sisters by blood.
Blood sisters by blood.
I mean, it's not by blood.
Yeah, yeah.
Blood, spit, cum
all the things, you know?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
You sure you're okay?
- Let's make an oath.
- A pact!
- Yes! To each other.
- Yes!
Like Lancelot. Camelot.
You know those dudes with long hair.
Swords in the stone shit!
The owl.
- Okay. I'll go.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
I, Anne Carlson, promise
to be your sister for life.
- Aw
- You go.
- Okay.
- 'Kay.
Uh, I, Anne Carlson
- No, idiot.
- You got to say your name.
I, Anne Carlson, promise to be
your sister.
Right. I, Carl Anderson,
am a sister.
Okay, you have a concussion,
we're going to the hospital.
- I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Don't go to sleep! Hey! Hey!
- Ow.
- Up!
- Ow.
- Up!
OW. Hey! Cut it out.
Do I have to break you guys apart?
Stop it. Ow. C'mon.
Stop touching me.
- What the hell?
- Are you in charge?!
My child has six different nut
allergies
- you should know about.
- And hey,
this place is not baby proofed,
you know?
Do you know how many things
in here Enzo could swallow
or penetrate himself with?
- Fucking Jenny!
- Get over here, right now.
You wanna tell me why my office
looks like a line-up for a Paw
Patrol Live show right now?!
Malcolm Cody Patrick,
are you admitting you've gone
to Paw Patrol Live?
Okay, Jenny, you wanna play?
Fine. What are your terms?
How's about you turn around,
call your higher ups
and demand the quality daycare
that my coworkers desperately need.
How's about you go up there yourself
and clear out the crapping,
screaming, petting-zoo
that you've turned my office into!
- Or you can clear out your desk.
- Mm
Are you threatening me?
Because this is where I threaten you.
I could go public with
the significant wage gap
that your company has been
suffering from.
Or, if that's not enough,
I'd be happy to top it
with the hush money
you provided Gena and I.
Or should I just tell everybody
that you called a mom at the park
"clearly gay,
and not in the hot way."
What you've done here?
Yeah, it's illegal and gross.
And all you have to do is
stop being a cheap
little sexist bitch.
Now deliver us a daycare,
or face public scrutiny
and the Paw Patrol.
Ruff.
That's right. Keep walking!
I was just walking.
I'm tellin' you,
he did not even see it coming.
I was just like beating him,
with my face with the sign
just like ahhhh, ungh, hunngh!
Right? And then just when
he thought
it couldn't get any worse, I just
Curbed him.
Juniper, what have I told you
about sneaking up on us like that?
That it makes you feel like
you live in Cape Fear?
Exactly. Now go to your room.
And you got my rosary back.
Well, he's with the cops now
and the slow wheels of justice are
- cranking forward.
- That was amazing, Frank.
It's what anybody woulda done.
No. You've been like
the best father Solomon
could ever ask for.
No, but really.
I want you to be his other mom.
And I know that's asking a lot
since you already have a kid
and an ex-wife and a potential
assault case on your hands.
I would be honoured
honoured to adopt him.
Oh my God.
- I Love you.
- Love you.
Look
bad news is our Publisher
has dropped out.
You wrote a completely different book
than what they paid you for.
But I don't, I don't have
to pay the money back, right?
Oh, you absolutely do.
- I can't repay that advance!
- My husband lost his job
and, and detective camp is
a fucking fortune!
- Detective camp!
- I love it!
Ripped from the pages!
But look, you blew your book deal!
- Like you totally blew it!
- Shit. Shit. Shit.
But
this is your book, Anne!
I loved it!
My best friend loved it,
my idiot sister loved it,
my cousin's kid's bus driver loved it.
It's beautiful.
It's heartbreaking and infuriating
and all the things that it is
to be the mother
- of an adolescent.
- Right?
We are gonna sell this book, Anne!
All right, go play.
What up, biatch?
Ugh. Save it,
you piece of shit.
Oh, come on, I met your demands.
You won, okay?
It was impressive.
No, seriously.
Watching you pick something
that you actually care about
and follow through with it?
Most people don't have that in 'em.
Most people aren't sociopaths,
who screw over half their employees
'cause they hate their mommy.
I I don't know what to say.
- I'm sorry.
- Say you're a little bitch
with a little bitch face.
- What?
- Say it.
Or find another bench.
Fine.
I'm a little bitch with
A little bitch face.
So, look, I'd still like to do
whatever it is we do outside of work.
And what is it that we do together?
What the fuck?!
I'm sorry. Look,
I just thought you'd,
I mean, you'd prob
- I'm in charge.
- Clearly.
'Kay, so, this is a shirt.
I want you to find the big hole,
let your head do the walkin'.
Just sort of follow your guts.
I'm not gonna step in
even though I want to.
Yup. Just sort of
yup, that's the one.
Yup. Hey.
- How's it goin' in here?
- Slow and terrible,
but he's gettin' it!
- Wow, buddy! That's amazing!
- Yeah!
- Woo!
- Yes!
- Good job, buddy!
- Oh, you got it.
Can you find the arm hole?
Oh, he, he might not.
Look, if he doesn't get it,
There's always vests, right?
- Mommy?
- I'm not too worried about it.
I can't.
I feel like if I just step in
and fix that one arm
- You cannot step in.
- I can't.
Can't we just blame it
on the concussion
and I'll just put the shirt on?
How is my patient?
Who are you?
Do we have to upgrade you to amnesia?
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna have to hit you in the head
with another forklift though?
He's actually getting it.
- You got it, you got it!
- You got it, dude!
Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes, Charlie!
Yes, yes, yes!
I don't know what we're gonna do.
I got a job.
What? Like as as a coder?
As a contingency planner.
Ah, thank God! You
- Mm, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
There's one small thing.
- Hey.
- What're you doin'?
I could've gotten you something
No, no, no, no, no. Relax.
- I wanted to get you something.
- Okay.
I owe you an apology.
For bringing cured
meats into the bedroom?
No, for cancelling our trip.
I know it meant something to you.
I didn't just wanna bang
at the top of a mountain, you know.
Oh, I know you didn't. You
wanted to, like, be connected.
I, I kinda can't believe
that after all this time
you still want to.
But I can't tell you how much
that means to me.
I mean, I'm sorry, Nathan, and
I'm sorry about hiring Richard
and for like giving him
half of my salary
- I don't want to hear it.
- Okay.
What if we just ate salami?
- Feels good, right?
- Well, yeah, but
what about our problems?
I mean
Send them off to sea,
viking funeral style.
What, like dump 'em?
Is that allowed?
I'm doing it.
I wanna do it.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Honey, I actually have to pee.
Mmm
- Who could that be?
- I don't know. You pee.
I'll get the door.
- Put some pants on, please.
- Yes, sir.
Anne? What the?
What're you doing here?
Anne?
So um
- I'm
- Oh my God, you're dying.
- What? No. Dramatic.
- You're being dramatic!
It's like sitting across
from Dame Judy Dench!
- Would you just
- I'm moving.
- What?
- Lionel got a job
and we're moving
to Calgary.
No. You're not moving
to Calgary.
That's insane.
I refuse your news.
Please don't make this hard on me.
What happened to us
leaving our partners
and kids in a theme park,
striking a match, dropping it behind us?
Nobody said anything about
lighting them on fire!
Well, I'm upset!
I thought I was more important
than Lionel.
I know you can't say yes,
but if you just blink or something.
We just can't live here on just my job.
Yeah.
And Alice is really miserable.
Yeah.
I just don't know what I'm doing.
I have failed her so many times,
and I think I'm doing it again.
You are not.
You are not.
You are an amazing mom.
You are putting her first.
And yeah, I hate that you're going,
but you're doing the right thing.
We'll make it work.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Right?
- Yeah.