Animal Control (2023) s04e09 Episode Script

1
♪
America's 250th birthday is coming up,
which means fireworks.
Woo-hoo!
But if you're a dog,
boo-hoo.
We're not expecting you
to stop firing off explosives.
This is still America.
But here's how to keep your pet safe,
even while the world
around them gets loud.
Dress your dog in
a weighted vest and earmuffs.
Works a charm. Right, Shred?
I've never felt so calm in my life.
Startled dogs often make a run for it.
So, microchip your pet
or else this will happen.
[WHISPERS] Go. Run.
Go! Come on, you're embarrassing me.
Play soothing music
to keep your pooch calm.
Or if you're like me
and you have perfect pitch,
just sing to them.
[SINGING] There's nothing
to be afraid of.
Just because the sky is on fire.
And when in doubt,
cuddles go a long way.
And on an unrelated
but mandatory note,
Seattle is experiencing a boom
in waterborne anal worms.
So make your vaccination
appointment soon, and
[ALL] Happy birthday, America!
[VOCALIZING]
Okay. Listen up, people.
The Animal Control
Officers Association is
sending a representative today
to observe our two
ACOOTY nominees.
ACOOTY?
Animal Control Officer of the Year.
And why didn't you just say that?
Err because ACOOTY saves time.
And yet, here we are.
Anyways, they're sending Wayne Peters.
Ooh, they're bringing in the big dog.
He was the first person
to ever win the award,
and he endorsed eight of
the last nine winners.
He's a bit of a kingmaker.
If you win Wayne's vote,
you win officer of the year.
[FRANK] Stay alert.
He's been known to Undercover Boss it
with disguises.
He could be an old man
looking for a dog.
And one time in Eugene
he was the dog.
When is he coming?
He's already here.
[EVERYONE GASPS]
That's right. Always observe an animal
before you enter their habitat.
[TEMPLETON] Great to meet you, sir.
Officer Dudge.
Officer Shaw.
Two nominees from the same precinct.
That's rare, almost like
an albino rattlesnake.
Whoa!
Is it hemotoxic or neurotoxic venom?
- Neuro.
- You're a badass.
Well, I am here to identify
the person who best demonstrates
professionalism, integrity, and
a commitment to animal safety.
And whoever shows me
these qualities will get
my recommendation as
one of the 10 finalists
for this year's award.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to hit the head.
I've been in this onesie all morning.
Okay, Wayne is gonna do a ride-along
with both you and Templeton.
I need you to impress him,
'cause if Templeton
wins this award,
he's coming for my job.
Yeah, he's gotten bolder.
I caught him
eating lunch here yesterday,
doing a pretend Zoom with the mayor.
Is that why there was feta
on my keyboard?
Frank, you have to win.
Guys, this comes down to personality.
I got it in the bag.
[VICTORIA] Hmm.
What is these looks?
Guys, I'm diligent. I'm smart.
I'm quick with a zinger, like
Emily, you'd be taken more
seriously if your sentences
didn't sound like questions.
Okay. Ouch?
Yeah, I hate to say it,
but I think Templeton
has a very pale leg up on you.
The terrible stuff that
he says seems like jokes
if you don't know him.
Maybe you need to do something,
I don't know, a little extra.
Something that makes Templeton
look worse.
I'm sorry, is there something
wrong with your stomach?
No, I think she wants Frank
to sabotage Templeton.
As your boss,
I would never suggest that.
On the record.
Yeah, I'm in.
Shred, what ideas do we have
left in the dossier?
There's the one where
we convince Templeton
he's becoming the smallest man
on Earth.
But that could take years.
See, I would never
condone anything like that.
Because that would be cheating.
I got it, just please
don't wink again.
♪
So, Maya's been hounding me
for a double date
with you and Parker.
I've been trying to hold
her off, but she just
she's got this couples therapist
- wrapped around her finger.
- Hmm.
Usually when Parker and I
meet up with other couples,
group sex is involved.
Yeah no, this would be like
a corner booth at P.F. Chang's.
Say, 5:45.
One bottle of wine, split four ways.
You know, then we take home the rest.
'Kay, wow. This is all
very heteronormative,
trad-wife, norm-core.
Which would make it
kinda the freakiest thing
that Parker and I had done
in a whi you know what?
Tell her we're in.
Are you sure?
[GASPS] Parker could tuck
his shirt in.
Oh, my God! With a belt.
[CACKLES]
Hilarious. That's so good.
For the record, I don't love you
mocking my lifestyle.
Old Navy's having a sale. Huh.
I know what I'm doing on Saturday.
♪
Somebody's gotta go first.
Then again, somebody's gotta go last.
Doesn't matter to me.
Either way, he's gonna
be eating a delicious éclair
from his favorite bakery.
You're bribing him
with an eclair after lunch?
That's embarrassing.
- I'll go first.
- Fine by me.
All right, that's classic
reverse psychology.
I will go second.
Mmm! Figured me out.
Now, that is reverse psychology.
I will go first.
- What is that?
- Hey!
Like a violin.
Hey, Shred. I had dinner with
my friend Cassie last night.
I showed her one of your
snowboard clips. She's in.
- In?
- To you!
And you'd love her. She's so athletic
and pretty and shorter than you.
So I sent her a text this morning,
and she's open to a setup.
Yeah, that's really sweet and cool.
5'7" is also the global average
for men.
Not that that matters.
Um, but I don't think I'm
really in a place right now
No, listen!
I've known her forever from church.
She's like my little church daughter.
You're like my work son. It's perfect!
Unless are you seeing someone?
No, no, he's not seeing anyone.
No, you should do it.
She sounds perfect.
Um
[SHRED] Yes.
Okay, yeah. I'd take her
for a spin. Ride.
I I'd go out with her.
But, can you tell her I'm shy
and I don't like to kiss
on the first date.
Ooh, nothing makes undies drop
faster than a gentleman.
Ah!
I got a good feeling about this.
Uh, sorry. What is happening?
Hello? It looks suspicious
if you won't go on a setup
with the perfect woman.
Yeah, or we could just
tell everybody we're together,
and I don't go on
the weird, fake date.
It's just, it's not a good time,
with Wayne Peters,
and the ACOOTYs and there's
a supermoon tomorrow.
So this is a better plan,
just trust me.
I didn't know about the supermoon.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I will go on the date.
But, while I'm holding her hand,
I'll be imagining it's yours.
Why will you be holding her hand?
This is a very confusing
assignment you've given me.
And here I thought
my greatest disguise
was hiding my sweet tooth.
Ehh, a good officer does his research.
- [BAT SCREECHES]
- Whoa!
Bat. Rousettus aegyptiacus.
Unconfined.
How do we proceed, officer?
Uh, okay. Wet road conditions.
School bus on my six.
Too dicey to brake.
I'm gonna confuse its echolocation.
Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Wee-wee-oh!
Textbook.
[DUDGE] I'll give you that one.
I said that, I did say that.
Wayne, just want to apologize
on behalf of the precinct
for what you experienced
on that ride along.
Questionable jokes,
unnecessary lip licking,
giggling and whispering
like a farmhouse ghost.
Au contraire.
Wayne and I had a fine time
controlling the animals of Seattle.
He caught a bat while driving.
I've never seen such deft fingers.
Um
well, I'm glad
you enjoyed your opener,
because your headliner's
about to melt your face off.
Unfortunately, that bat took
a huge chunk of our day.
Why don't we just grab
a hotel lobby coffee tomorrow?
I'm rolling out for Boise around 9:00.
- I'll be there at 7:00.
- I wake up at 8:15.
T-Bag, impressive stuff today, buddy.
Thanks.
Nice try, Frank.
And the ACOOTY goes to
Dirk Templeton Dudge.
Why doesn't he just go by Dirk?
This is out of control.
Thanks to your little prank,
Templeton looks like
gosh dang Captain America.
How was I supposed to know
that living Squishmallow
was gonna be competent
for the first time in his life?
When he takes my job,
they'll probably move me
to city planning, which we all know is
a never-ending argument
about bike lanes.
Don't worry, Frank still
has his coffee date,
and my man is great in the mornin'.
He wakes up just a chittering
like a field mouse.
I'm not your man and don't lie.
6:00 to 8:00 PM is my golden hour.
Wait a minute.
Why don't I just invite Wayne over
for dinner and drinks at my place?
- [GROANS]
- No
Why are you doing that again?
'Cause you're a sad man
with a sad house.
Wait, what if we could
dilute the sadness with us?
We could throw a dinner party,
sing Frank's praises,
and then maybe Wayne wouldn't
even notice that you have
an entire room for your dog
and your cat.
Mmm, I couldn't do tonight,
'cause Maya, she bullied me
into a double date with Victoria.
I'm doing that for ironic
cosplay reasons,
so rolling that into
a work thing kinda works.
[KNOCKING]
[DUDGE] What are you doing?
You guys plotting?
You-you have plotting energy.
Somebody close the blinds right now.
Sorry.
And his name was Doctor Tarantula.
Cassie, this is Shred.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
Ooh, the cat's not too bad either.
Don't worry, we've both been dewormed.
Oh, well, why don't I take this
little fur baby so you two
can get going on your date?
Ooh, is it date time already?
Yay go have fun, you two.
Ye yes.
Okay. After you.
[DAISY] Ooh.
After you! I bet he's doing that
so he can look at her butt.
Ah! Yeah. For sure, for sure.
You know, as long as you're
matchmaking, feel free
to throw some strange my way.
Girl, they got apps for that.
Yeah.
So glad you could make it.
Figured you're on the road
300 days a year.
Home cooked meal,
toasty Italian red might be nice.
Yeah, my dinner was gonna be
the cold bagels that I pocketed
- from the Ramada, so.
- Oh!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Ramada.
- May I?
- Please.
I am so glad this worked out.
I've been trying to get us
all together for ages,
but Amit keeps telling me
you're too busy.
No, he's totally right.
We're crazy busy these days.
Um, candle shopping and
Container Store and
racing each other
to finish the Wordle.
It was so hard today.
- It was.
- [PATEL] Not for her!
She got it in two guesses. Exile.
Oh, well, don't give 'em the answer!
What? Let me brag on you, baby.
- Oh, stop.
- No, you stop.
- Stop.
- You stop. You stop.
Stop. No, you stop.
You stop!
Are you as turned on
as I am right now?
Stop it, I've got such a headache
from doing all that laundry.
Ooh, stop. We're getting there.
I'm exhausted.
- [CLINKING]
- If I may.
I just wanted to give a little toast.
And thank Frank for not only
hosting this lovely dinner
for all of us, but also
being one of the best officers
I've ever known.
His courage, quick thinking,
calm under pressure.
If I ever get that dreaded
wolf in an orphanage phone call.
Frank's my guy. So. To Frank.
- To Frank.
- To Frank.
- To the big catch.
- [EMILY] Cheers.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- He's the best.
Stop. Compliments make
me uncomfortable.
Your co-workers have a lot of
nice things to say about you.
Oh, well, wait till you meet Shred.
He has a bit of a partner
crush on me. Where is he?
Oh, Shred is on a date,
but he should be here soon.
And I mean, it's only been,
um oh, three hours.
Wow.
You know what we should do next time?
Taste of Seattle.
It's the last Sunday of every month.
And this month, the theme is cheese.
Yeah, but they only let you sample
three cheeses, and you guys
probably have plans, so.
No, we'll be there.
I'll bring my Lactaid.
See, babe, I told you
they'd be into it.
[PATEL] She did, she told me.
All right, couples selfie time.
You ready?
I am extremely horny right now.
Your sensible sneakers are
driving me absolutely insane.
Stop.
[PARKER CLEARS THROAT]
[DUDGE] It's always good to be
back at my old frat.
I noticed you guys are getting
a little soft with your hazing.
When I was a freshman,
The senior brothers
convinced me to get a tattoo
to match theirs.
Then theirs washed off.
Hey, remember you told me to
follow Patel's wife's socials?
Well, it's finally paying off.
I got a discount at Madewell,
and I just found out that Frank
is hosting a dinner party
with Wayne right now.
[DUDGE] I knew it.
That was plotting energy.
I present Salmon a la Shaw.
[PATEL] Wow!
What's everyone else eating?
[ALL LAUGHING]
So good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh! Uh, Shred's finally here.
[CROWD CHEERS]
[FRAT BRO] There he is!
[LOUD CHEERING]
My lawn is a National Lampoon movie.
[CHANTING] Frank! Frank! Frank!
No! Get away!
This has Templeton's dandruff
sprinkled all over it.
[PARTY MUSIC THUMPING]
[INDISCERNIBLE CONVERSATIONS]
That's Doc Whiskers'!
♪
Throwing a rager on a Tuesday?
I'm appalled, Frank.
I just rushed here from Bible
studies as soon as I heard.
Save it, officer Dudge, I know
you're responsible for this.
You told me you're
a legacy member of this frat
when we were on our drive.
You even taught me the handshake!
He had to rush twice, he didn't
get in his first semester.
'Cause it went with my mom
the first time.
Frank put the bat in your pastry.
Okay, I guess I'm dealing
with a couple pranksters here.
You're both missing
the esprit de corps
that makes Animal Control special.
We put the animals before ourselves,
and you've both lost sight of that.
So, neither of you
are getting my endorsement.
[FRANK/DUDGE] Wayne, please!
Do not drink outta that vase!
What are you doing? No!
- Hey!
- Oh, my gosh, you're here.
- Thank God.
- [SHRED] Yeah.
Our plan to impress Wayne
is a disaster.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Coffee went long,
and then we went to mini golf.
- It was a whole thing.
- No, it's okay.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is you're here now.
And so is Cassie.
Cassie's here.
Yeah. Frank texted while
we were at the batting cages.
He said to come right away.
The batting cages?
I played softball in college.
At Princeton. She gets weird about it.
Just say you went there.
Why are you weird about it?
It must be so nice
to be so pretty
and smart and athletic.
Do you wanna get something to drink?
Um
Emily, do you want anything?
No, thank you. I'm good.
Just worry about your date.
- [CASSIE GIGGLES]
- Okay.
Who would've thought that
living out my worst nightmare
could be so hot?
Nightmare's a little strong.
They gave us the number
for their gutter guy.
But, like, on a physical card.
Why do they have this?
Did they just ask him for extras?
I get that it's sad stuff, but is it?
I mean, I'm actually excited
about Taste of Seattle.
Wait are you still doing a bit?
- We're not going to that.
- Why not?
Because we're not Maya and Patel.
Yeah, but would it be
that bad if someday we were?
Okay, we're not the mom and dad types.
Okay, but this quarter-zip
has awoken something inside of me.
Like a like a werewolf.
But with a mortgage and
little league on the weekends.
Oh, um yeah. I need some air.
[PARKER] Babe, wait.
Wait, where does that leave us
for the cheese thing?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- It's hot.
- Back it up.
Back it up, back it up, back it up.
- What? What?
- What?
Oh, wow. Okay.
Oh
Love this song, too. It's so good.
[EMILY] You can't help but dance.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, Cass. I'm so sorry.
That's so crazy that that happened.
Oh, it's it's really it's okay.
I have another shirt in my work bag.
- Okay.
- She's a pediatric oncologist.
Ahh! You are?
Wow, you're saving the little ones.
That's outta sight.
Wow I myself, I volunteer
at a women's shelter, so.
- Saint Augustine's?
- Uh-huh.
I'm there, like, four times a week.
Yeah, it has been a minute
since I've been there.
I used to go Saturdays, but I
found this one yoga class, so
There's actually
a guest bedroom upstairs
if you wanna change.
Yes! Yes, Shred.
But she doesn't know the house.
So, why don't you be
a gentleman and show her
where the second bedroom is?
You know what? I'll take you.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- I gotcha.
- Yeah.
- You remind me of my aunt.
Aww.
- Whoops. Gotcha again.
- [CASSIE] Oh!
Let's get you changed.
[TV CHEF] remember your
technique in slicing
into the onion making some level
Sorry. Wrong room.
Okay. Yeah.
So, Shred seems great.
Yeah. Yeah. Shred, he's
Not great. Nuh-uh.
He's-he's pretty problematic.
Yeah, he's a real hound dog.
He seemed so nice
at the batting cages.
I'm sure he was.
That's one of his moves though.
It's toxic respect.
It's the new gaslighting.
- Is that a thing?
- If I were you,
I would put on several
layers of clothes, like
- just right now.
- Yeah.
And maybe just, you know, leave
without even saying goodbye.
- Yeah.
- Let's just bundle you up and
- No, that's a good idea.
- And get you outta here.
- You know?
- Thank you so much.
That award came with a $10,000 prize.
I was gonna travel to Turkey.
I assume for hair transplants
and all the Botox
your brow can hold?
Lip filler.
You can't put a price
on being a legend.
I was blinded by my hatred for you.
I lost sight of the animals.
[ANIMAL BELLOWS]
[ANIMAL BELLOWS]
Hey, look. I stole our mascot.
Free the humps!
[CROWD CHEERS]
That's my big bro!
Not cool, Trey. Get off the camel!
Okay.
[ANIMAL BELLOWS]
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- Yeah!
[CAMERA CLICKS]
♪
[FRANK] Flank him! I'll go left.
Hey, Siri, play My Humps by Fergie.
[SIRI] Calling Mom.
No, don't call Mom. Play My Humps!
Hey. Cassie texted.
She left the party.
- What? Oh
- Really?
I teed that up for you.
She was perfect.
Smart, family money,
tight little church body.
How tight was that body, Emily?
Honestly, very tight.
Did you say family money?
Baby boy, what the hell happened?
She wasn't right for me.
Because
I'm in love with someone else.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYS]
Who is it?
I want names.
My ex.
Camila.
She's an Olympic snowboarder
and I still have feelings.
Okay, I need some eyes
on this ice queen.
Yeah.
Oh, you still have photos
of her on your phone.
That's nice.
[DAISY] And she's an Olympian?
Oh, you're not getting
any better than this.
Come on, let's go get a drink,
and we can game-plan on how
we're gonna get her back.
Okay.
- [SHRED] 'Kay.
- Go do that.
- Yeah.
- Go get her back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry I sort of freaked out.
You caught me off guard.
I think I caught myself
off guard, too.
Do you really want all that stuff?
Kids. House.
A belt that's not rope.
I've been a drifter all my life.
And tonight I got a preview of
what it would be like
to settle down with a girl
that I really like.
And I really liked it.
Hmm.
See
That scares me,
because I don't want those things.
Damn.
Damn.
I don't want to stand
in the way of you
chasing what you want.
So, what does that mean,
are we breaking up?
I think we are.
Make way for the dromedary!
Listen up, all you Aidan, Brayden,
Caden, Jadens and Noahs.
This thing has a 15-foot spit radius.
That's a 30-foot diameter.
Math major, bitches.
[CROWD CHEERS]
So, now would probably be
a good time to tell you
I have a bit of a jealousy problem.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you really scared
the crap outta that poor girl.
I know. I had to, though,
because no one told me
she was this athletic doctor
with generational wealth
who saves sick kids and
is also, like, super hot.
Yeah, but that's not what I want.
I want you.
Whoa.
No! No.
- You're hot.
- Okay.
Obviously, you're like this
incredible boss that works
with disadvantaged women
when it works with her yoga schedule.
Shut up!
And that's what I like.
So
You're in love with someone?
I did say that, didn't I?
Might I ask who? Or
Well. Enjoy this.
It'll be the last time
I offer you a drink
that doesn't require an antidote.
That might be the first ever
dual scooter
frat party camel rescue.
Too bad Wayne wasn't here to see it.
He saw everything, brah.
You two put your petty
squabbles aside,
and you put the animals first.
And that is what
this award is all about.
You both get my endorsement
to be in the final 10 nominees.
- Congratulations.
- Sir.
Thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to be in Boise
in the morning, or should I say,
a vending machine guy
named Rocko does.
We did it! We're back in the game.
You know, and for those ten minutes,
I didn't abhor your presence.
Samezies.
You know, it's nice seeing
you two work together.
Maybe we can bring that energy
back to the precinct?
Hey, Trey. Celebratory keg stand.
I want a brother on every limb.
[DUDGE] Let's do it, boys.
[CROWD CHANTS] T-Bag! T-Bag!
Bury that man.
Oh, he's already dead.
sync & corrections awaqeded