Better Things (2016) s04e09 Episode Script
Batceañera
1
(SNIFFLES)
("THE TYPEWRITER" BY
LEROY ANDERSON PLAYING)
(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)
JERRY LEWIS: Oh.
Oh.
(PAPER RUFFLES)
(CLICKING)
(KEYS CLACKING)
(RAPID TYPING)
(TYPEWRITER DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
- (DINGS, CLICKS)
- (RAPID TYPING)
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
- (DINGS, CLICKS)
- (TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
(PANTING)
- (BELL RINGS)
- (APPLAUSE)
MAN: (SHORT CHUCKLE) Jerry Lewis.
SCOT: That was great, Frankie.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- That was great.
Thank you.
- (EXHALES)
- Wow.
AUNT BINI: Turns out, her little brother
and my ex-boyfriend Yanni Nakamora
used to run together before
Yanni got done by Winter Hill
for ripping off a truck
of ladies dresses.
Anyways, I tracked her down.
She was in town doing some
kind of big TV hoop-de-doo
for some kind of flavored schnapps
DUKE: Uncle Eddy, do you want me
- to help you move the furniture?
- EDDY: Aww.
Thanks, Beanstalk. Bit shattered.
But I'll manage.
Too much of the black stuff last night.
Oh, no.
My fags are soggy.
Could do with a dry cigarette
for once, I think.
Well, there is the toaster oven.
Oh, it's come to that, has it?
SAM: Harold, I'll make you fresh food.
You don't have to eat the leftovers.
Don't give him any more. He already ate!
It's for later.
You never know with these things.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi. Hi, hi.
- Hi. When does everyone else come over?
I have no idea. Bini?
Is there another place
you can get ready, honey?
I didn't know what bathroom to choose.
What can I do? How can I help?
Uh, please get out the food processor.
- Hi.
- For me.
DUKE: Oh, Mom. Who's Madeline Kahn?
- Queen.
- What? Who is Madeline Kahn?
- Oh, my God.
- AUNT BINI: I was just saying
how Harold used to drive
Madeline Kahn around.
- What?
- HAROLD: Yeah, it was before
all the Mel Brooks mishigas.
She asked me to call her "Mads."
- Oh, my God.
- Mom, can I wear the special one?
Uh, yes, you can.
- DUKE: Thank you.
- So, what's gonna be
the seating situation?
Oh, there's no seating situation.
It's just, like You'll see.
It's, like, a free-flowing kind of
(STAMMERS)
There's no seating situation.
I like to know for sure
the seating situation.
I got the spinal stenosis in my back.
AUNT BINI: We used to take
her for chinks, out in Saugus.
Samanther, Samanther.
Remember when we used to go
to Dragon Island for chinks?
Jesus, with that. Bini!
HAROLD: The vertebrates are all farkakt.
I got to know where I'm sitting.
AUNT BINI: Madeline said
she didn't remember him.
But she was very nice about it
and thanked him for all his hard work.
Come on, Harold.
You shtupped Madeline Kahn, didn't you?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Young man, nice uniform,
driving around all night in a Lincoln?
- Chicken tenders on this one, huh?
- (LAUGHTER)
- Eh, it was a Grand Marquis.
- Oh, okay.
- SAM: Frankie!
- AUNT BINI: Oh, vey iz mir!
It was strictly a
professional relationship.
But I will say, the biggest
bazungas I ever saw.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she just left them
hanging out there.
She knew what she was doing. Huh?
- God rest her soul.
- Sure.
- MAX: Mom?
- SAM: Yeah?
Paisley wants to know
if her date can bring a friend
- to Frankie's Batceañera.
- What? No.
- Paisley's not no.
- EDDY: All right!
Which one of you's has laid
a top-ten hit in that bog?
Confess or burn.
Does anyone smell smoke?
Oh, yeah.
Sorr that's me, that's me.
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
I'm serious about that shit, though.
Think it's grown a twin.
(BELCHES, GROANS) Bugger me.
Oh, fuck, my lips.
- (LAUGHS): Eddy.
- I'm eating here.
Okay. You need any help?
- SAM: Hi!
- Buenas tardes, Sam.
Buenas tardes.
Hi, Rosita.
- Welcome.
- Hi! How are you?
Looks so beautiful, Sam.
I want a food truck!
Knishes and carnitas.
Don't start nothing,
I'm sneaking out for a crafty fag.
CECILIA: Reinita.
- (GASPS) Que bonita
- I don't like it. (LAUGHS)
- You look incredibly
- Don't talk to me.
I'm memorizing a speech.
- Don't interrupt and be annoying.
- Right.
- My garters are slipping!
- Not ready yet, either.
- SAM: Eddy.
- EDDY: What?
- You got an extra fag?
- No.
- Look who's here.
- Bro.
- Back to party. Better. Hello.
- Always.
- Wow. You look so
- Wow you.
- SAM: My gorgeous.
- Is she really wearing a men's suit?
Yes. From the '40s.
It's a replica of one
worn by Frida Kahlo.
That's really frickin' cool.
I love my cousins.
Phil. (MOUTHS)
I've said hello.
- I mean, there's nothing
- Let's get a drink.
- All right.
- I-I did say hello.
What a beautiful simcha, Sam.
Thank you so much for coming, Esperanza.
You know you taught me
how to be a Jewish mother.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Where's my Duke?
- Oh, she's, um,
she's actually out there
with her friends, with the kids.
- Ay. Okay.
- You see?
- Smoke show.
- Hey. Hey.
- Isn't this cool?
- It's fantastic.
- Hi.
- Hey, Jaia.
I've never been to a bat
mitzvah like this before.
Oh, you're in for a treat, Caroline.
We're having a proper blowout.
We have marichos, carnitas and knishes.
A lot more than cheese. Right, darling?
Well, I guess I won't have
to leave early, then, will I?
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- It's, uh, "mariachi."
- It's mariachi.
- Okay.
SAM: So Yeah, so we thought
we'd throw them all,
- everybody, into
- In the Sure, in-into one pot.
XANDER: Hello.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so proud of you. I love you.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (GRITO)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHTER)
SAM: Congratulations.
This is my childhood.
All mothers are slightly insane.
Ka nui nga mihi.
I'm proud of you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
MARION: Frankie. Beautiful.
- I love you.
- MAX: I love you.
That's beautiful.
- Did you get that out of my room?
- No, I didn't.
I can't believe you did that.
- Didn't you give me that?
- I did, yeah.
(PLAYING "DE COLORES")
De Colores
De Colores se visten los campos
En la primavera
De Colores
De Colores son los pajarillos
Que vienen de afuera
De Colores
De Colores es el arco iris
Que vemos lucir
Y por eso los grandes amores
De muchos colores
Me gustan a mi
Y por eso los grandes amores
De muchos colores
Me gustan a mi
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Canta el gallo
Canta el gallo con el quiri quiri
Quiri quiri quiri
La gallina
La gallina con el cara cara
Cara cara cara
Los polluelos
Los polluelos con el pio pio
Pio pio pi
(SAM GROANS)
You okay?
Babe, what are you doing?
- Huh? Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, nothing. Go back to the party.
I'm looking for a little
(INHALES LOUDLY)
(SNIFFS) Did you see him out there?
I did.
Playing "dad" for the crowd.
And we all just smile and nod.
Ooh, my goodness. It's amazing you came.
What do you expect, Sam?
You want him to give
you a public apology?
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Uh, yeah.
That'd be great. A
little public humility.
That would I would really like that.
Frankie wanted him here,
and you fulfilled that request.
Yeah, what choice did I have,
though, really?
Is Frankie having a great time?
'Cause that's all that really matters.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about you.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know what, never mind.
- Forget it.
- No, no, no, no.
I really I would like to know.
I would like to know. Let's talk.
Uh, you're so concerned about me.
I love when people are
concerned about me.
Fine. This death grip
you have on your anger.
What happened to you, what he did.
We all know. We were there.
We don't need to rehash it every day.
It's incessant with you.
The folded arms and the eye rolls;
it is not flattering.
And your friends don't want
to tell you 'cause we love you.
But
you gotta move on.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Wow.
(GROANS)
That
(GROANS)
So, you've been
separated from Jeff for what,
about 15 minutes now?
And you're gonna tell me
that I need to move on?
Yeah, I am.
That's really great.
Ow.
(SIGHS)
I really need to find weed.
(SAM GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Can you feel something on my back?
Yes. It-it is lumpy. Uh what is that?
It's my corset of torment.
You see, I have an arrhythmia.
My heart flutters from time to time.
Uh, a-are you okay to dance right now?
Oh, yes.
Frankly, I think
my cardiologist is an idiot.
I only listen to him because
my daughter forces me to.
(CHUCKLES) My son only let me
have two glasses of wine a night.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh
So I sneak tequila.
I steal swims.
Desnuda.
- Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHS)
Very interesting.
(STRAINING)
I-I you want to sit down?
No, I don't want to sit down.
- Okay, all right.
- We've only just started.
Okay, baby, let's go again.
- Let's.
- Oh, wow.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- SAM: Hi.
- Hi.
Nothing.
(LAUGHS): Nothing?
Oh, and I hadn't even asked.
What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- We're hiding.
- What do you think?
- I see.
Well, I'm hiding, so
(SAM CHUCKLES)
- Hi.
- Hi, Mark.
- SUNNY: Hey.
- Hey.
What a shock, bumping into you
at the party you brought me to.
- Of course.
- Sorry.
- I stole her for, like
- Let's, uh, grab a drink.
If you had a minute, yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hi.
Do you Having
Did you did you try,
um, the horchata?
Uh, not yet. Is that pork?
Huh? No. It's a drink.
- Never mind.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
- I-I'll check it out.
Hmm?
- Do you, uh
- Believe in magic? What?
Do you want him to leave?
Yeah. What do you think?
But he's in his element.
He's not gonna leave.
No, I mean, do you want me
to go talk to him?
- You know, scare him a little.
- (SIGHS)
Yes.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Stop.
- What?
What were you gonna?
What are you gonna say to him?
What would you do?
What would I do to him right now?
Yeah, wh-what-what would you
say to him to make him leave?
I would get right up in his face,
- like this.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I would say,
"Why are making your daughter's night
"about you?
It's time for you to leave, asshole."
(CHUCKLES) And what if he didn't?
It wouldn't get that far.
But if it did?
(SIGHS)
Well, then I would give him what we call
a Chicago beatdown.
Do you know what a Chicago beatdown is?
Nope. No, I don't, but please tell me.
A Chicago beatdown is the
type of beatdown that,
after you've gotten one
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
you don't go out in
public for over a month.
No. No. Mm.
You'd do that? You'd do that for me?
Boop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Stop, stop. Come back, come back.
Come back.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Ooh. Very
- satisfying exercise, buddy.
- Yeah? Yeah?
- I got you, buddy.
- I like that.
- My God, feel my heart.
- Oh.
My heart is, like, racing.
Get your hand off my heart.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
FRANKIE: Hi.
Ooh. Hi.
- (OOHS AND AHS)
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Um, so I want to give a toast
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
I want to give a toast,
but before I do that,
I want to ask the room a question.
Who here was raised by a single mom?
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
Same.
And I can say,
from watching it all go down,
that it's a thankless job.
But now I get to thank my mom
Sam "Old Iron Pants" Fox.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you.
- PHYLLIS: Louder!
I'm gonna murder you.
- What? I can't hear her.
- Shh!
So, I-I just want to add
that I've come to realize
that life is about choices.
Rabbi Hilary told me that when
she looked at a graveyard,
what she didn't see was
the rows of headstones with a
bunch of faded names and dates.
What she saw was the choices
that went into all of these lives.
So I think life is about
the choices that we make.
Anyway, Dad, thank you for coming
and for being here now.
That was a good choice.
And thank you,
everybody else, for coming.
I love you all so much.
Good night, Detroit!
- (APPLAUSE)
- WOMAN: We love you!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Mazel tov!
Mazel tov! (WHISTLES)
Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov!
Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov!
PHYLLIS: Frankie.
Baby. Thank you.
I love you.
(CLINKING GLASS)
Uh
Hi. Uh, Frankie,
I just wanted to say a few words.
Um
I am so proud of you.
You've grown into a very
impressive young woman.
Uh, your future is bright.
Uh, every time I see you,
uh, which I know isn't often enough
you always impress me.
And, uh, you've impressed
all of us here today.
(CHUCKLES)
So, congratulations.
Happy sweet 16.
She's 15, you moron!
Quinceañera. Quinceañera.
(WOMAN BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Really.
("HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hey. Uh, Rob?
- (SCOFFS)
- Ralph?
Ray? Rich. Good to see you.
You know
since the girls aren't around,
I'm gonna let you in
on a little something.
I have been your daughters'
emergency contact
on all their school forms.
I've driven them to soccer
tournaments in Temecula.
Chaperoned field trips to the missions.
And you know what so
many strangers say to me?
"Your daughters are fantastic."
"Oh," I say, "they're not my daughters.
"But I wish they were my daughters.
Because they are fantastic."
And you know what else?
It has been my pure pleasure
watching them grow up.
And being there for them.
And I can't imagine my life
without them. Excuse me.
What does a girl do?
What should she do?
- What does a girl do?
- (LAUGHING)
What should she do?
I've only known him
a short time, it's true
I should be careful
and watch what I do
Hey, princess, what's up?
I'm gonna whisper in your ear
because I don't want to embarrass you.
- Oh
- What does a girl do?
What should I do?
How do I know he's not
Playing a game?
And if he is
Will he put me to shame?
Now he's getting near
Oh, my, oh, my dear, oh
Hmm.
Oh. I know exactly what
you're going through, bro.
Persona non fucking grata. (SCOFFS)
And here, with your family, it sucks.
I used to be you.
Oh, everybody hated me
after Sunny and I split.
They don't anymore?
(CHUCKLING): No. They still do.
- Just not like before.
- Why not?
I went on, like, an amends tour.
It was a whole AA thing.
Basically, I apologized.
But I don't have
anything to apologize for.
I haven't done anything wrong.
Totally.
Hey. Nice speech, man.
JEFF: It was a great speech.
Parts that one part you know.
Shit.
Are my teeth blue?
Goddamn it.
I've only known him
a short time, it's true
- (CHUCKLES)
- I should be careful
And watch what I do
But now he wants to park
Where it's awfully dark, oh
- Oh.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Can we talk?
Um (CLEARS THROAT) this
is not really the right time
for a money conversation, Xander.
We do that through lawyers.
Yeah, not money. No.
Um, just hear me out.
Uh, this whole you know
today, this
I don't really know how to put it.
Um I guess I feel
Yeah, I mean, Frankie and you
and the girls and
this mix of cultures and, uh
all the love in the room
I'm moved.
O kay.
Great. You're moved.
And also I just want
I just wanted to say that,
um, I wish I had been at more of these.
Well, you could have, Xander.
You were invited.
If the girls wanted you there,
I made sure you knew about it.
I know. I know. That's not what I meant.
Um I just wanted to say that I
I should have done better.
I had no excuse.
How long are you in town for?
Um
Do you want to come for dinner Friday?
Me and the girls?
Yes.
Yeah, that would be
Yeah, I would like that.
- Okay.
- Yeah. What time?
Um what time?
- You know what
- I'll see you Friday.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(GROANS)
Shit.
All of a sudden there's, like
- this, like, tiny little hedgehog
- Dormin?
Present.
(COUGHS, CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
Gimme.
Your son.
- CAROLINE: Oh, my God.
- DORMIN: Oh, come
- (CHUCKLES)
- I love you, sweetie.
(CHUCKLING): I love you.
- Be good, take care.
- You, too.
(CHUCKLES)
I wish that, that you would
cut loose some more.
- All right.
- I'm serious.
- Do you feel better?
- Mom.
- Marion.
- CAROLINE: Good night, Phyllis.
DORMIN: See you, Gran.
How you doing, lumpy, hmm?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Everybody's leaving.
Come on, let's go say goodbye.
I already did.
Well, let's go say goodbye again.
You're not gonna see 'em for a while.
- So? They don't care.
- Huh?
We never see them.
We never see anyone in our family,
because that's the way you want it,
and that's the way they want it.
(SIGHS)
Just go say goodbye.
What's the big deal?
(SCOFFS) They didn't
come here to see me, Mom.
They came here to see Frankie.
And now they're leaving again.
Duke.
Okay, Mom. Jesus Christ!
You were my last fun child.
(SIGHS)
Did you see that shit?
(JAZZ PLAYING QUIETLY)
(QUIET CHATTER)
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
- What are you doing?
- Hello, I have a reservation.
Get out of here.
I believe it's under Bob Dobalina.
You need a mint, Mom.
(EXHALES) Excuse me.
Is the bar open seating?
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
- Just sit right here.
- Thank you very much, Miss.
- Good evening.
- Hi!
- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?
- I'm doing well.
- Uh, I would like a bottle
of your least expensive wine.
I think I can do better than that.
Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. I have two seats for
you right here. Excuse me.
SAM: Let me get a little video.
MAX: Okay, here are your menus,
and I'll be right back with some bread.
Okay
- Yes.
- Mom.
Very, very professional.
(CHUCKLES) That's my kid.
My daughter. It's her first job.
I'm kvelling a little bit.
- Spying on her.
- (CHUCKLES)
MARGO (ON TV):
So you've pointed out, so often.
So many qualities, so often.
Her loyalty, efficiency,
devotion, warmth and affection.
And so young. So young and so fair.
BILL (ON TV):
I can't believe you're making this up.
It sounds like something out
of an old Clyde Fitch play!
Hi, baby. All About Eve.
Yeah, I put it on.
I'm so proud of you.
Good, hard, honest work.
- Fuck yeah.
- Thanks.
- Are you the mother?
- Oh. Yes, I am.
I'm Cesario. Thank you
for coming to my restaurant.
Your daughter is
very beautiful and kind.
- Oh
- Nice to meet you, Chef.
Nice to meet you.
She comes in early to help
my babbo with his English.
You do? You help his babbo?
- I love Babbo.
- Oh, thank you.
(MAX AND SAM CHUCKLE)
- Oh. Can I sit here?
- Uh, sure.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh. This for you.
- Oh. Thank you very much.
Uh, I understand you're an actress.
Yeah.
I have so many stories,
but I don't know what to do with them.
- I'm not a writer. (CHUCKLES)
- (GRUNTS)
When I was a boy,
- my mother worked long hours
- When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me
(SNIFFLES)
("THE TYPEWRITER" BY
LEROY ANDERSON PLAYING)
(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)
JERRY LEWIS: Oh.
Oh.
(PAPER RUFFLES)
(CLICKING)
(KEYS CLACKING)
(RAPID TYPING)
(TYPEWRITER DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
- (DINGS, CLICKS)
- (RAPID TYPING)
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
- (DINGS, CLICKS)
- (TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
(PANTING)
- (BELL RINGS)
- (APPLAUSE)
MAN: (SHORT CHUCKLE) Jerry Lewis.
SCOT: That was great, Frankie.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- That was great.
Thank you.
- (EXHALES)
- Wow.
AUNT BINI: Turns out, her little brother
and my ex-boyfriend Yanni Nakamora
used to run together before
Yanni got done by Winter Hill
for ripping off a truck
of ladies dresses.
Anyways, I tracked her down.
She was in town doing some
kind of big TV hoop-de-doo
for some kind of flavored schnapps
DUKE: Uncle Eddy, do you want me
- to help you move the furniture?
- EDDY: Aww.
Thanks, Beanstalk. Bit shattered.
But I'll manage.
Too much of the black stuff last night.
Oh, no.
My fags are soggy.
Could do with a dry cigarette
for once, I think.
Well, there is the toaster oven.
Oh, it's come to that, has it?
SAM: Harold, I'll make you fresh food.
You don't have to eat the leftovers.
Don't give him any more. He already ate!
It's for later.
You never know with these things.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi. Hi, hi.
- Hi. When does everyone else come over?
I have no idea. Bini?
Is there another place
you can get ready, honey?
I didn't know what bathroom to choose.
What can I do? How can I help?
Uh, please get out the food processor.
- Hi.
- For me.
DUKE: Oh, Mom. Who's Madeline Kahn?
- Queen.
- What? Who is Madeline Kahn?
- Oh, my God.
- AUNT BINI: I was just saying
how Harold used to drive
Madeline Kahn around.
- What?
- HAROLD: Yeah, it was before
all the Mel Brooks mishigas.
She asked me to call her "Mads."
- Oh, my God.
- Mom, can I wear the special one?
Uh, yes, you can.
- DUKE: Thank you.
- So, what's gonna be
the seating situation?
Oh, there's no seating situation.
It's just, like You'll see.
It's, like, a free-flowing kind of
(STAMMERS)
There's no seating situation.
I like to know for sure
the seating situation.
I got the spinal stenosis in my back.
AUNT BINI: We used to take
her for chinks, out in Saugus.
Samanther, Samanther.
Remember when we used to go
to Dragon Island for chinks?
Jesus, with that. Bini!
HAROLD: The vertebrates are all farkakt.
I got to know where I'm sitting.
AUNT BINI: Madeline said
she didn't remember him.
But she was very nice about it
and thanked him for all his hard work.
Come on, Harold.
You shtupped Madeline Kahn, didn't you?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Young man, nice uniform,
driving around all night in a Lincoln?
- Chicken tenders on this one, huh?
- (LAUGHTER)
- Eh, it was a Grand Marquis.
- Oh, okay.
- SAM: Frankie!
- AUNT BINI: Oh, vey iz mir!
It was strictly a
professional relationship.
But I will say, the biggest
bazungas I ever saw.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she just left them
hanging out there.
She knew what she was doing. Huh?
- God rest her soul.
- Sure.
- MAX: Mom?
- SAM: Yeah?
Paisley wants to know
if her date can bring a friend
- to Frankie's Batceañera.
- What? No.
- Paisley's not no.
- EDDY: All right!
Which one of you's has laid
a top-ten hit in that bog?
Confess or burn.
Does anyone smell smoke?
Oh, yeah.
Sorr that's me, that's me.
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
I'm serious about that shit, though.
Think it's grown a twin.
(BELCHES, GROANS) Bugger me.
Oh, fuck, my lips.
- (LAUGHS): Eddy.
- I'm eating here.
Okay. You need any help?
- SAM: Hi!
- Buenas tardes, Sam.
Buenas tardes.
Hi, Rosita.
- Welcome.
- Hi! How are you?
Looks so beautiful, Sam.
I want a food truck!
Knishes and carnitas.
Don't start nothing,
I'm sneaking out for a crafty fag.
CECILIA: Reinita.
- (GASPS) Que bonita
- I don't like it. (LAUGHS)
- You look incredibly
- Don't talk to me.
I'm memorizing a speech.
- Don't interrupt and be annoying.
- Right.
- My garters are slipping!
- Not ready yet, either.
- SAM: Eddy.
- EDDY: What?
- You got an extra fag?
- No.
- Look who's here.
- Bro.
- Back to party. Better. Hello.
- Always.
- Wow. You look so
- Wow you.
- SAM: My gorgeous.
- Is she really wearing a men's suit?
Yes. From the '40s.
It's a replica of one
worn by Frida Kahlo.
That's really frickin' cool.
I love my cousins.
Phil. (MOUTHS)
I've said hello.
- I mean, there's nothing
- Let's get a drink.
- All right.
- I-I did say hello.
What a beautiful simcha, Sam.
Thank you so much for coming, Esperanza.
You know you taught me
how to be a Jewish mother.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Where's my Duke?
- Oh, she's, um,
she's actually out there
with her friends, with the kids.
- Ay. Okay.
- You see?
- Smoke show.
- Hey. Hey.
- Isn't this cool?
- It's fantastic.
- Hi.
- Hey, Jaia.
I've never been to a bat
mitzvah like this before.
Oh, you're in for a treat, Caroline.
We're having a proper blowout.
We have marichos, carnitas and knishes.
A lot more than cheese. Right, darling?
Well, I guess I won't have
to leave early, then, will I?
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- It's, uh, "mariachi."
- It's mariachi.
- Okay.
SAM: So Yeah, so we thought
we'd throw them all,
- everybody, into
- In the Sure, in-into one pot.
XANDER: Hello.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so proud of you. I love you.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (GRITO)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHTER)
SAM: Congratulations.
This is my childhood.
All mothers are slightly insane.
Ka nui nga mihi.
I'm proud of you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
MARION: Frankie. Beautiful.
- I love you.
- MAX: I love you.
That's beautiful.
- Did you get that out of my room?
- No, I didn't.
I can't believe you did that.
- Didn't you give me that?
- I did, yeah.
(PLAYING "DE COLORES")
De Colores
De Colores se visten los campos
En la primavera
De Colores
De Colores son los pajarillos
Que vienen de afuera
De Colores
De Colores es el arco iris
Que vemos lucir
Y por eso los grandes amores
De muchos colores
Me gustan a mi
Y por eso los grandes amores
De muchos colores
Me gustan a mi
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Canta el gallo
Canta el gallo con el quiri quiri
Quiri quiri quiri
La gallina
La gallina con el cara cara
Cara cara cara
Los polluelos
Los polluelos con el pio pio
Pio pio pi
(SAM GROANS)
You okay?
Babe, what are you doing?
- Huh? Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, nothing. Go back to the party.
I'm looking for a little
(INHALES LOUDLY)
(SNIFFS) Did you see him out there?
I did.
Playing "dad" for the crowd.
And we all just smile and nod.
Ooh, my goodness. It's amazing you came.
What do you expect, Sam?
You want him to give
you a public apology?
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Uh, yeah.
That'd be great. A
little public humility.
That would I would really like that.
Frankie wanted him here,
and you fulfilled that request.
Yeah, what choice did I have,
though, really?
Is Frankie having a great time?
'Cause that's all that really matters.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about you.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know what, never mind.
- Forget it.
- No, no, no, no.
I really I would like to know.
I would like to know. Let's talk.
Uh, you're so concerned about me.
I love when people are
concerned about me.
Fine. This death grip
you have on your anger.
What happened to you, what he did.
We all know. We were there.
We don't need to rehash it every day.
It's incessant with you.
The folded arms and the eye rolls;
it is not flattering.
And your friends don't want
to tell you 'cause we love you.
But
you gotta move on.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Wow.
(GROANS)
That
(GROANS)
So, you've been
separated from Jeff for what,
about 15 minutes now?
And you're gonna tell me
that I need to move on?
Yeah, I am.
That's really great.
Ow.
(SIGHS)
I really need to find weed.
(SAM GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Can you feel something on my back?
Yes. It-it is lumpy. Uh what is that?
It's my corset of torment.
You see, I have an arrhythmia.
My heart flutters from time to time.
Uh, a-are you okay to dance right now?
Oh, yes.
Frankly, I think
my cardiologist is an idiot.
I only listen to him because
my daughter forces me to.
(CHUCKLES) My son only let me
have two glasses of wine a night.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh
So I sneak tequila.
I steal swims.
Desnuda.
- Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHS)
Very interesting.
(STRAINING)
I-I you want to sit down?
No, I don't want to sit down.
- Okay, all right.
- We've only just started.
Okay, baby, let's go again.
- Let's.
- Oh, wow.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- SAM: Hi.
- Hi.
Nothing.
(LAUGHS): Nothing?
Oh, and I hadn't even asked.
What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- We're hiding.
- What do you think?
- I see.
Well, I'm hiding, so
(SAM CHUCKLES)
- Hi.
- Hi, Mark.
- SUNNY: Hey.
- Hey.
What a shock, bumping into you
at the party you brought me to.
- Of course.
- Sorry.
- I stole her for, like
- Let's, uh, grab a drink.
If you had a minute, yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hi.
Do you Having
Did you did you try,
um, the horchata?
Uh, not yet. Is that pork?
Huh? No. It's a drink.
- Never mind.
- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.
- I-I'll check it out.
Hmm?
- Do you, uh
- Believe in magic? What?
Do you want him to leave?
Yeah. What do you think?
But he's in his element.
He's not gonna leave.
No, I mean, do you want me
to go talk to him?
- You know, scare him a little.
- (SIGHS)
Yes.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Stop.
- What?
What were you gonna?
What are you gonna say to him?
What would you do?
What would I do to him right now?
Yeah, wh-what-what would you
say to him to make him leave?
I would get right up in his face,
- like this.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I would say,
"Why are making your daughter's night
"about you?
It's time for you to leave, asshole."
(CHUCKLES) And what if he didn't?
It wouldn't get that far.
But if it did?
(SIGHS)
Well, then I would give him what we call
a Chicago beatdown.
Do you know what a Chicago beatdown is?
Nope. No, I don't, but please tell me.
A Chicago beatdown is the
type of beatdown that,
after you've gotten one
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
you don't go out in
public for over a month.
No. No. Mm.
You'd do that? You'd do that for me?
Boop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Stop, stop. Come back, come back.
Come back.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Ooh. Very
- satisfying exercise, buddy.
- Yeah? Yeah?
- I got you, buddy.
- I like that.
- My God, feel my heart.
- Oh.
My heart is, like, racing.
Get your hand off my heart.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
FRANKIE: Hi.
Ooh. Hi.
- (OOHS AND AHS)
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Um, so I want to give a toast
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
I want to give a toast,
but before I do that,
I want to ask the room a question.
Who here was raised by a single mom?
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
Same.
And I can say,
from watching it all go down,
that it's a thankless job.
But now I get to thank my mom
Sam "Old Iron Pants" Fox.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you.
- PHYLLIS: Louder!
I'm gonna murder you.
- What? I can't hear her.
- Shh!
So, I-I just want to add
that I've come to realize
that life is about choices.
Rabbi Hilary told me that when
she looked at a graveyard,
what she didn't see was
the rows of headstones with a
bunch of faded names and dates.
What she saw was the choices
that went into all of these lives.
So I think life is about
the choices that we make.
Anyway, Dad, thank you for coming
and for being here now.
That was a good choice.
And thank you,
everybody else, for coming.
I love you all so much.
Good night, Detroit!
- (APPLAUSE)
- WOMAN: We love you!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Mazel tov!
Mazel tov! (WHISTLES)
Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov!
Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov!
PHYLLIS: Frankie.
Baby. Thank you.
I love you.
(CLINKING GLASS)
Uh
Hi. Uh, Frankie,
I just wanted to say a few words.
Um
I am so proud of you.
You've grown into a very
impressive young woman.
Uh, your future is bright.
Uh, every time I see you,
uh, which I know isn't often enough
you always impress me.
And, uh, you've impressed
all of us here today.
(CHUCKLES)
So, congratulations.
Happy sweet 16.
She's 15, you moron!
Quinceañera. Quinceañera.
(WOMAN BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Really.
("HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hey. Uh, Rob?
- (SCOFFS)
- Ralph?
Ray? Rich. Good to see you.
You know
since the girls aren't around,
I'm gonna let you in
on a little something.
I have been your daughters'
emergency contact
on all their school forms.
I've driven them to soccer
tournaments in Temecula.
Chaperoned field trips to the missions.
And you know what so
many strangers say to me?
"Your daughters are fantastic."
"Oh," I say, "they're not my daughters.
"But I wish they were my daughters.
Because they are fantastic."
And you know what else?
It has been my pure pleasure
watching them grow up.
And being there for them.
And I can't imagine my life
without them. Excuse me.
What does a girl do?
What should she do?
- What does a girl do?
- (LAUGHING)
What should she do?
I've only known him
a short time, it's true
I should be careful
and watch what I do
Hey, princess, what's up?
I'm gonna whisper in your ear
because I don't want to embarrass you.
- Oh
- What does a girl do?
What should I do?
How do I know he's not
Playing a game?
And if he is
Will he put me to shame?
Now he's getting near
Oh, my, oh, my dear, oh
Hmm.
Oh. I know exactly what
you're going through, bro.
Persona non fucking grata. (SCOFFS)
And here, with your family, it sucks.
I used to be you.
Oh, everybody hated me
after Sunny and I split.
They don't anymore?
(CHUCKLING): No. They still do.
- Just not like before.
- Why not?
I went on, like, an amends tour.
It was a whole AA thing.
Basically, I apologized.
But I don't have
anything to apologize for.
I haven't done anything wrong.
Totally.
Hey. Nice speech, man.
JEFF: It was a great speech.
Parts that one part you know.
Shit.
Are my teeth blue?
Goddamn it.
I've only known him
a short time, it's true
- (CHUCKLES)
- I should be careful
And watch what I do
But now he wants to park
Where it's awfully dark, oh
- Oh.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Can we talk?
Um (CLEARS THROAT) this
is not really the right time
for a money conversation, Xander.
We do that through lawyers.
Yeah, not money. No.
Um, just hear me out.
Uh, this whole you know
today, this
I don't really know how to put it.
Um I guess I feel
Yeah, I mean, Frankie and you
and the girls and
this mix of cultures and, uh
all the love in the room
I'm moved.
O kay.
Great. You're moved.
And also I just want
I just wanted to say that,
um, I wish I had been at more of these.
Well, you could have, Xander.
You were invited.
If the girls wanted you there,
I made sure you knew about it.
I know. I know. That's not what I meant.
Um I just wanted to say that I
I should have done better.
I had no excuse.
How long are you in town for?
Um
Do you want to come for dinner Friday?
Me and the girls?
Yes.
Yeah, that would be
Yeah, I would like that.
- Okay.
- Yeah. What time?
Um what time?
- You know what
- I'll see you Friday.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(GROANS)
Shit.
All of a sudden there's, like
- this, like, tiny little hedgehog
- Dormin?
Present.
(COUGHS, CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
Gimme.
Your son.
- CAROLINE: Oh, my God.
- DORMIN: Oh, come
- (CHUCKLES)
- I love you, sweetie.
(CHUCKLING): I love you.
- Be good, take care.
- You, too.
(CHUCKLES)
I wish that, that you would
cut loose some more.
- All right.
- I'm serious.
- Do you feel better?
- Mom.
- Marion.
- CAROLINE: Good night, Phyllis.
DORMIN: See you, Gran.
How you doing, lumpy, hmm?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Everybody's leaving.
Come on, let's go say goodbye.
I already did.
Well, let's go say goodbye again.
You're not gonna see 'em for a while.
- So? They don't care.
- Huh?
We never see them.
We never see anyone in our family,
because that's the way you want it,
and that's the way they want it.
(SIGHS)
Just go say goodbye.
What's the big deal?
(SCOFFS) They didn't
come here to see me, Mom.
They came here to see Frankie.
And now they're leaving again.
Duke.
Okay, Mom. Jesus Christ!
You were my last fun child.
(SIGHS)
Did you see that shit?
(JAZZ PLAYING QUIETLY)
(QUIET CHATTER)
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
- What are you doing?
- Hello, I have a reservation.
Get out of here.
I believe it's under Bob Dobalina.
You need a mint, Mom.
(EXHALES) Excuse me.
Is the bar open seating?
- Right this way.
- Thank you.
- Just sit right here.
- Thank you very much, Miss.
- Good evening.
- Hi!
- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?
- I'm doing well.
- Uh, I would like a bottle
of your least expensive wine.
I think I can do better than that.
Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. I have two seats for
you right here. Excuse me.
SAM: Let me get a little video.
MAX: Okay, here are your menus,
and I'll be right back with some bread.
Okay
- Yes.
- Mom.
Very, very professional.
(CHUCKLES) That's my kid.
My daughter. It's her first job.
I'm kvelling a little bit.
- Spying on her.
- (CHUCKLES)
MARGO (ON TV):
So you've pointed out, so often.
So many qualities, so often.
Her loyalty, efficiency,
devotion, warmth and affection.
And so young. So young and so fair.
BILL (ON TV):
I can't believe you're making this up.
It sounds like something out
of an old Clyde Fitch play!
Hi, baby. All About Eve.
Yeah, I put it on.
I'm so proud of you.
Good, hard, honest work.
- Fuck yeah.
- Thanks.
- Are you the mother?
- Oh. Yes, I am.
I'm Cesario. Thank you
for coming to my restaurant.
Your daughter is
very beautiful and kind.
- Oh
- Nice to meet you, Chef.
Nice to meet you.
She comes in early to help
my babbo with his English.
You do? You help his babbo?
- I love Babbo.
- Oh, thank you.
(MAX AND SAM CHUCKLE)
- Oh. Can I sit here?
- Uh, sure.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh. This for you.
- Oh. Thank you very much.
Uh, I understand you're an actress.
Yeah.
I have so many stories,
but I don't know what to do with them.
- I'm not a writer. (CHUCKLES)
- (GRUNTS)
When I was a boy,
- my mother worked long hours
- When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me