Ted Lasso (2020) s04e09 Episode Script

1
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [KEELEY] Come on, Richmond!
Good ball, Evellyn.
Whoa! What? Against us?
- Referee!
- [CROWD BOOING]
What the fuck is she doing?
Bad call! Bad refereeing!
You saw that, right?
[LOWE] It's another toothless
display from Richmond, who've fallen
from contenders to
mere promotion hopefuls,
with hope dwindling by the minute.
[EXCLAIMS] And it nearly got
worse! Another great save by Quinn.
What a save, Boots!
[JILL] Quinn still on the no
gloves thing. I almost respect it.
- Almost.
- Bring it on, Lady Greyhounds!
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHEERS]
Ah. Back in the day,
a woman that hysterical would
have been accused of being a witch.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
I miss the '80s.
[KEELEY] Well done!
[LOWE] Now Richmond do
have Gemma Jay on the bench,
- back from injury ahead of schedule.
- Right, go on.
I'm ready to go in, Coach.
Ain't no way, Gemma Jay.
You ain't cleared to play.
[JILL] Why haven't they put her on?
All right, I know you're using
me as a decoy on the bench,
but what if you use me
as a decoy on the pitch?
[LOWE] That's the
question, isn't it, Jill?
They're desperate for a goal and
she's surely desperate to play.
[SCOFFS]
I can't believe you're benching
me after begging me to come back.
I didn't beg.
[VOCALIZES]
You're too close to me. Sit down.
[LOWE] Richmond need to get
something from this match.
Here comes El Sherif down the wing.
Oh, the cutback.
Whoa!
[LOWE] Could this be the equalizer?
It's Davis!
- Oh!
- [CROWD GROANS]
[GASPS] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck!
- Keeley.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
You all right?
- Ooh.
- [CHUCKLES]
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. You?
[CLAMORING]
Hey, Marcus, go ahead.
A large part of your
recent troubles have been
the team's lack of offense
since Gemma Jay's injury.
It's been six weeks now.
Any update on her return?
Well, look, we ain't exactly sure when
she's going to be
back with us quite yet.
But I know she's rehabbing
the heck out of that knee,
and the only person hoping for a
green light more than me and Gemma
is the Great Gatsby himself.
[CHUCKLES] All right, who else?
[CLAMORING]
Lloyd, come on, man. Dazzle me.
Um, there's two games left this season.
Uh, a win this weekend clinches
the final promotion spot.
Any other result opens
the door to disaster.
Heavens to Murgaloid.
Way to set a vibe, baby.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- [STAMMERS] How are the team holding up,
knowing they could drop down
into a sea of promotion hopefuls?
Mmm, well, you got that right.
The standings right now are more crowded
than a Planet Fitness on January 2nd.
[CHUCKLES] But this
team loves each other,
and I'm proud of the way they fight,
unless it's at a pub quiz going wild and
they get the po-po involved. [LAUGHS]
But heck, even then it was
a team effort, you know?
All right now, next question.
- [CLAMORING]
- [CAROLINE] And how are you feeling now?
I'm fine. I really am. I promise.
Are you taking any medication?
Yeah, I take meds for
high blood pressure,
one of the many traits that
my mum handed down to me
like being overly
competitive at board games,
deep love for Irish butter, and boobs.
She sounds like my kind of woman.
But if you've got high blood pressure,
you should be taking
it easy at these games.
Do you think that's why I fainted?
Yeah, probably.
Or could you be pregnant?
No!
I mean, no.
When was your last period?
I just had it, like
a couple of weeks ago.
Well, better safe than sorry.
I'm just gonna, yeah, let
me have a check on the app.
It'll be right here.
Yeah, okay. Here it is. It was
two, three, four
eight fucking weeks ago!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
- Howdy, Mae.
- Hey, Ted.
- Tough loss today.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
Sorry I'm late. Press
conference went long.
Uh, where's the kid?
He's babysitting the lads for me.
- No. You're trying to get it in the eye.
- But don't worry, I fed him.
Thank you. And thanks for
keeping an eye on him.
You've been a real lifesaver.
You mind if I give you
a little extra cash?
No, no, Ted.
But you can settle his
little pinball tab though.
Sounds good to me. What's the damage?
£6,000.
- Come on, now.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, big guy.
- How was your game? Yeah?
- It was great.
We were tied 2-2 at the
end of the second half,
and I had a pretty open shot on goal,
but instead of taking it, I
passed it upfield to Walter Buns,
- and he kicked it in for the win.
- I love it.
That you made the extra pass and that
you play with a kid named Wally Buns.
But, hey, I'm sorry I
missed another one, big guy.
I know, but you were busy
coaching a bunch of girls.
Ooh, I bet they're the ones
that are coaching your dad.
Ain't that the truth. Yeah.
Come on, let's hop
upstairs, grab your stuff.
Your mom's gonna be here any minute.
- [HENRY] Night, Mae.
- Night, darling.
Thanks again, Mae.
My pleasure.
["THE LITTLE MESS YOU MADE" PLAYING]
I'm just saying you're lucky
you didn't bump your head.
[KEELEY] Mm-hmm.
- [URINATING]
- [ROY] Even though head trauma
can occasionally unlock
savant level superpowers,
most of the time,
people just end up dead.
Thank God you were sat with Rebecca
and her Warrior Princess guns of steel.
Yeah.
Look, I know work has been
stressful for you this year.
It's been stressful for me as well.
But I do really think
you need to try and relax.
Tell you what.
When both our seasons are over,
I could take us on a holiday.
Great.
[ROY] We can finally go to Marbella.
Not for six weeks, obviously.
That was fucking mental.
But at least for four or five.
[GASPS]
You have been in there
a while, babe. You okay?
Babe?
[KEELEY] Be right out.
[ROY] Well, I hope it
wasn't the starters.
You think you're safe with
M&S cheese puff pastries,
but you never know with feta.
I said you never know with feta.
[KEELEY] Yeah, it's such
an unreliable cheese.
Um [MUTTERING]
Sorry, I'm fine. Don't worry.
- Wow. [EXCLAIMS]
- Good.
Here, try this.
You go first.
- Okay. You don't trust me.
- [CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA] Any word
yet on Roy's contract?
Uh, no, apparently his
agent is at a silent retreat
where you're not allowed
to use your phone.
I only know this because
he texted me from there.
Prick.
Well, you have fun in space, okay?
Yeah, and call me when
you splash down. [CHUCKLES]
If they ever do.
Did we have a meeting
scheduled for this morning?
Oh, schedules. [GROANS]
I mean, they are just so
- Necessary.
- Helpful.
Draconian.
I mean, who likes to know where and
when they need to be all the time?
- Human beings.
- We do.
Oh. I'm sorry. I don't
mean to interrupt.
Didn't you?
No. I mean, not for this long
anyway. Please do continue.
Where was I? Oh, we finally
heard back from Rupert.
- Did we?
- Well, his lawyers.
They deny knowing anything
about people selling shares,
but since then there's
been a pause in the buying.
Oh, because he's plotting his next move.
Rupert may be unreliable and
unfaithful, but he is not unpredictable.
Yeah, if men were as clever as they
think they are, they'd still be stupid.
Well, as long as the Milk
sisters don't sell their stake,
you keep control no matter
how many shares he buys.
What's the deal with the Milk sisters?
How come they got so much
money? Did they invent milk?
Yes, before them, cows
were just in the way.
We actually don't
know the deal with them
because I haven't been
able to get hold of them.
Which is a bit concerning,
seeing as they've sold
their shares before,
- to Rupert, no less.
- Mmm.
Which they told me was a
complete and utter mistake.
Udder mistake.
So they got a sense of humor, yeah?
- Not at all.
- No, they haven't.
- [GROANS] Please.
- Let me through.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Coach.
- [BOTH] Hey, Coach.
- Y'all have a good Sunday?
- [BOTH] No.
- Oh, why? What happened?
Yesterday there was an
incident at our family's
- pig farm.
- Pig farm.
All the pigs are really smart,
but there is this one that is an
- idiot, Oo Goobley.
- Idiot. Oo Goobley.
- I'm sorry?
- That's his name.
He's always awake when all
the other pigs are asleep.
- He has insomnia.
- He has insomnia.
So when we woke up and we didn't
see him, we thought he'd run away.
And he's so dumb. Of course he
ran away. So then we go to
- Neighbor's house. Morag.
- Morag.
She used to be our babysitter.
She's got purple hair.
Listens to Norwegian death metal.
Because the thing is this pig
- loves music.
- Loves music.
So we go to Morag's
and we're yelling like,
- "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!"
- "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!"
But he's not there. So
then we go back to
Follow his hoofprints,
and they lead us to a well,
- and then we're thinking
- "Oh, no.
- He's in the well."
- "He's in the well."
But there's no way he'd be able to fit.
He's our fattest pig.
But he's completely gone.
So then we're like
- [GASPS] "He's been pig-napped!"
- [GASPS] "He's been pig-napped!"
So then we go to the market to get some
sweets to make ourselves feel better,
- and who do we see?
- Oo Goobley eating from a cheese wheel.
- It was Parmesan. His favorite.
- His favorite.
So then we come back
from the market with a pig
and an entire cheese
wheel because we had to buy
- the whole thing.
- The whole thing. It was three kilograms.
It cost 150 quid.
[BOTH SIGH]
Did all that really happen?
- Of course it did.
- Yeah.
Unless we had the same dream.
- 'Cause that has happened before.
- 'Cause that has happened before.
Mm-hmm.
Well, hey, I'm happy
y'all found Oogly Boogly.
- Oo Goobley. First name Oo.
- Oo Goobley.
Last name Goobley.
- Right. Yeah.
- Thanks, Coach.
- See you in a bit.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
One sec. Just let me fix this.
[COACH BEARD] Take your time.
Okay, go.
Should we start Shannon?
No.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Hey, have you guys noticed the whole
ESP mind meld thing that
the twins got cooking?
When they're not beating
the shit out of each other?
Yeah.
There was one day Siobhan
burned her thumb on a tea kettle,
and the next day Niamh
had no fingerprint
on the same thumb, completely smooth.
I don't believe that
at all, but you know
This chair is broken. Okay.
But how do we use their witchy
ways to turn that there whiteboard
into a Ouija board,
uh, football speaking?
We could do a diamond formation.
[STAMMERS]
[SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
Sorry, I'm still getting used to
it. Uh, what is a diamond formation?
You put one twin at the
point of a diamond midfield
and the other twin directly behind her.
In theory, they would help
us get the ball up the pitch,
meaning more chances in attack.
Because, yeah, when we have
Gemma, we get more goals.
So without Gemma, we
need more shots on goal.
Okay. Which one of the twins
are we gonna put up front then?
Siobhan, she's older by three
minutes, she's used to being out front,
meaning Niamh has more to prove,
so she'll put the ball
exactly where Siobhan needs it.
I love it. Let's give it a shot.
[CHUCKLES] Now, speaking
of nonidentical twins.
Coach, these new?
Oh, these. [CHUCKLES]
I was just in Camden Town yesterday,
so I got myself a few piercings
from a deeply agnostic Satanist.
Hmm. Wait. A few piercings?
[BEARD CHUCKLES] Yes, I have
a door knocker on my butthole.
Hey, guys. What are you up to?
[STAMMERS] Are you figuring
out what to do against Bristol?
- [CHILTON] Yes.
- [GEMMA] Uh-oh.
Look who's coming off the bench
'cause her knee's all better.
- No, it's not.
- It's Gemma Jay.
She runs onto the pitch.
The other team are like
- No. Oh, God. Stop it, stop it.
- "Oh, no, she's back! We're doomed!"
Okay, now Richmond, they're ahead,
but Gemma Jay's lagging behind.
"Oh, no, did she come back too soon?"
- Stop it. Don't
- Nah, she's faking it.
She drives ahead.
- She shoots. She scores!
- Don't touch the magnets. No.
No, not until Beaumont clears you.
Get out. Don't touch this again.
- It's an option. Okay.
- Get out.
[EXCLAIMS]
So thirsty.
Honestly, this shareholder
stuff is driving me up the wall,
which is why I'm declaring this
lunch a let-the-wine-flow zone.
- Mmm.
- Hello, ladies.
- [REBECCA] Hello again.
- Nice to see you.
- Yes.
- Would you care for something to drink?
Yes, we would. Two glasses
of Sancerre, please.
[STAMMERS] I'll just
stick with water actually.
- Thanks.
- [REBECCA] Oh.
- They were both for me anyway.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I'm joking.
- [CHUCKLES]
And would you like yellowtail
jalapeño to start as usual?
Oh. Perfect.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm-I'm not
doing raw fish at the moment, so
Do you know what, just, uh,
give us a moment on the food.
We'll just have the water
and the wine. Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Both wines. Please.
- Sounds good.
- Thanks.
Are you You're not?
- Are you?
- I am.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Have you been trying?
My pills started making me break out,
so I've been a bit lax about taking it.
So instead of acne, I
guess you're having a baby.
Yeah.
- [CHUCKLING] Whoa.
- Whoa.
[REBECCA GASPS]
I mean, this is not how I
thought it was gonna happen.
- No.
- And I've thought about
having a baby with Roy. Of
course. Someday, you know?
But we just got back
together like two seconds ago.
But I also am in the
groove with work, finally.
And the team is all going so
well, the girls are just kicking
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you happy?
Yeah.
I'm really happy.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, in that case
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
- [CHUCKLING] I'm so sorry. It's just
- Sorry.
Come here. [INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Oh, my gosh.
I've just thrown all this baby stuff
at you and it's really insensitive.
- I'm so sorry.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, not at all.
Everything with Matthijs is
wonderful, and Jelka is such a love.
My best friend just told me she's having
a baby and I've got two wines on the go.
[GASPS, SIGHS]
- It's all good.
- Good.
Oh, have you told Roy?
- Who? [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
No.
I wanted you to be the
first person to know.
Well, that's an honor.
[GASPS]
Cheers.
- Oh, that's bad luck. Here.
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
Here.
We're having a baby.
We're having a baby.
[BREATHES SHAKILY] I love you.
I love you.
- Oh, fuck.
- Fucking shit, fuck.
- Fuck me!
- Ow! [SCREAMS]
Ow. Ow, ow, ow. So
Fuck. [INHALES SHARPLY]
All right, let's see how
this new formation works.
- Mm-hmm.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- [TED] Oh, nice touch.
- [COACH BEARD GROANS]
- Who the heck was that to?
- Whoa.
- Where did she come from?
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Ireland.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Top of the morning to all of us.
Nice play, Neom and Cinnabon!
[SHANNON] Yep.
- Oh, my [GROANS]
- [CHILTON] Oh, for fuck sake!
You are so frustrating, Shannon,
because you could be so brilliant
but you're just thinking too much.
And look, I get it. I'm the same.
I'm actually a brilliant dancer.
I'm just shit at choreography.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]
It is absolutely true.
Listen, you're-you're too in here.
You just gotta bring it down here.
Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right.
Hey, come, come, come.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Hey.
- Hi.
How are you doing?
Oh, nothing, I'm just
googling high blood pressure.
Because I've got it, so I
thought I would google it.
No, I said, "How are you doing?"
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. Yeah.
- I'm good, thank you.
- Good.
I do think that maybe I should stay
home this weekend, take it easy.
Not go to the Bristol City game.
It's better to play it
safe than sorry, right?
Yeah,
but aren't you worried the team won't do
as well without all your screaming?
- Screaming?
- Oh, cheering, cheering.
[CHUCKLES] That's better.
[CHUCKLES]
- Do you want dinner later?
- Yes, please.
Okay.
Great.
- I'll text you when I'm leaving, yeah?
- Yeah.
And uh, after we eat, I'm
gonna make you cheer all night.
- Toodles.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hey, Siri
- [SIRI] Mm-hmm?
will I be a good mum?
[SIRI] I can't predict
the future, Keeley.
However, my data shows that
people who ask that question
tend to be good at parenting.
Thank you.
[SIRI] You're welcome.
So are you guys gonna
beat Bristol City or what?
Because they embarrassed
you the last time,
- 6-nil.
- Whoa, it was actually 5-nil.
Do you think correcting me
makes it any less embarrassing?
- No, ma'am.
- [TED] We're gonna give it a shot, Mae.
- You're gonna be there though, yeah?
- I can't do it.
Two and a half hours is a long
drive for someone with my, uh,
- level of seasoning.
- Oh, I hear you.
Hey, you know what you could do?
You could roll with us on the team bus.
[CHUCKLES] I wouldn't
want to be a bother.
You love to be a bother.
- I do.
- Yeah, okay. It's been decided.
We're gonna roll out
the red and blue carpet,
give you a little peek
behind the curtain,
show you how the sausage is made.
Like the time I took
you in the back room
and showed you how the
sausage was actually made.
I don't have many regrets in life,
but that is definitely one of them.
- Ah, I'd love to. Thank you, Ted.
- Yeah?
- You got it.
- [CHUCKLES] But if you guys lose
[STAMMERS] Yeah. No, I hear you.
["RIGHTEOUS LIFE" PLAYING]
- [SNORES]
-
Yes!
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [SONG FADES]
I just heard from Caroline,
- who just spoke to Dr. Beaumont.
- And?
- Gemma's been cleared to play.
- Hey!
All right, there we go.
Uh, does Gemma know yet?
[VOCALIZING]
She knows.
Mm-hmm.
It seems like she knows.
[CAROLINE LAUGHS]
- Hi. Morning.
- Hiya.
- Morning, Kenneth.
- Hi.
Can't wait to listen to those
Pink Floyd bootlegs you got me.
All I got to do now is track
down a reel-to-reel player.
Or you could sleep with
them under your pillow.
Always does the trick for me.
Yeah, no, I'll give
that a try first. Thanks.
All right, y'all. Hey, let's listen up.
We got a special guest riding
over to Bristol with us today.
Please give it up for the
one, the only, Mae Green.
[CHEERING]
- Come on!
- Go on, Mae!
- Excited to be tagging along.
- Yeah.
Hey, let's make sure we show Mae a
nice and respectful time, all right?
By all of us being on
our best behavior. Yeah?
- [GROANING]
- No, come on, Ted.
Not since I saw Shirley
Bassey at the London Palladium
in '73 have I been around
so much energy and estrogen.
I want the full experience.
Hey, I've got that show on eight-track.
Uh, that's great, Kenneth.
Uh, hey, fine by me, y'all cut loose.
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Come on!
Ooh! [EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES]
Oi, Mae, Mae, come and sit with us.
All right.
- Mae, I hope you're ready for this.
- Why?
Yeah, we're about to grill
you for three hours straight.
About everything
you've ever seen, heard,
lost, and learned in your life.
Do your worst.
[CHILTON] All right, guys. Everyone.
Uh, hello. I'm gonna take a picture.
- Ooh!
- [CHILTON] Yep.
Okay, smile.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [MAE CHUCKLES]
- Great.
- Wait, that's it?
You're gonna take one photo?
Well, I don't want to waste my memory.
- [MUTTERING]
- Too tight to pay for iCloud storage.
- [MADY] One photo?
- [NIAMH] Really?
- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
- Hey.
You know, Rebecca, even without
the Milk sisters selling,
someone could still
get 49% of the shares.
Is this how we're saying hello now?
Sorry, I'll let you settle
in, have a glass of wine.
Merci.
Oh, is that sushi?
- On an aeroplane?
- Yeah.
I love it when it's a little bit warm,
'cause it makes it easier to chew.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
You know, I'm gonna hit
the loo before we take off.
'Cause anybody else afraid of
getting sucked into an airplane toilet
and spit out into the clouds?
No.
- Oh, it must be nice.
- [REBECCA] Mmm.
It really happens, you know?
- Happened to some bloke. Awful.
- [ENGINE STARTING UP]
Why did I sit next to the toilet?
[LOWE] And so to the starting lineup
for the visiting Richmond women,
who will begin this match
in a 4-4-2 diamond formation
for the first time this season.
The tactical switch moves the
Harrigan twins up into midfield.
And you have to wonder if
a change like this before
the biggest match of
Richmond's inaugural
- season will be cohesive or chaotic.
-
But there's good news
for the traveling fans:
Star striker Gemma Jay
has been cleared to play
for the first time since
her injury against Charlton.
She'll be available off the
bench, and there's no doubt
- the fans will be
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, what's this?
- Lunch.
I'm here to keep you company and
make sure you don't watch the match.
Rebecca's orders.
Naughty, naughty Keeley.
[LOWE] Good afternoon from Bristol
in England's beautiful South West.
Bristol's been around
for over a thousand years,
and now the first-year
Lady Greyhounds arrive
seeking the all-important
promotion that
would help ensure their own survival
in this season-defining match.
[TED] All right, y'all. Here we go.
Just like the acknowledgment
section in the back of a book,
it's all been building to this.
Look, we know what's at stake today,
so I ain't gonna prattle
on and on about that
but if anybody's got something
they wanna say, now's your time.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Let's have it.
- Yeah.
I feel you. All right. Mae,
you wanna say something?
Oh, no. I'm good.
- Come on, Mae.
- [TED CHUCKLES] Come on, Mae. Come on.
Okay. All right.
Uh, so, listen, um, growing up,
all I wanted to do was be a footballer,
but women weren't allowed
to play officially.
You'd have been a
professional, Mae, wouldn't you?
No, I had a right foot like a rosebush.
[ALL LAUGH]
But my left, even worse. [LAUGHS]
But you girls are different.
You're talented. You
belong on that pitch.
And I love to see it.
So go out there and
make an old lady happy.
And beat the fucking shit out of them!
[CHEERING]
All right, come on.
Let's go. Everyone in.
[CLAMORING]
Everybody in, yeah?
- [TED] Go. Come on.
- All right.
Richmond on three.
One, two, three
[ALL] Richmond!
- [CHEERING, CLAPPING]
- [MAE] Greyhounds, go!
We welcome all of you out in the
streamersphere to Ashton Gate Stadium,
home of Bristol City WFC,
as they welcome AFC Richmond
Women for a season-defining match.
- Ms. Welton
- Yes.
your guest, Mae Green,
has requested to sit
- in your supporters' section.
- Oh.
So we've had her switch
seats with this woman.
She appears to be normal ish.
- Is that all right?
- [CHUCKLES] Course, thank you.
- Hmm. Hello, there.
- Rebecca Welton.
Suzi Campbell.
Pleasure to meet you.
To meet all of you.
- Mmm.
- Okay.
Thanks, big guy.
Here's a little something for you.
Used Kleenex. [CHUCKLES] Lush.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Yeah! [LAUGHS]
[LOWE] For Richmond,
the stakes are clear,
secure promotion today or
risk heartbreak tomorrow.
When you've got
opportunity in your hands,
it's important to hold on to it tight,
like a lover who you know
is about to leave you.
We've all been there.
Not like I have,
Rebecca, not like I have.
No one has
except Lily Allen.
Ooh, shit.
- [CROWD CHEERING ON SPEAKER]
- [JILL] Nina Simone, Patsy Cline,
Lucille Ball,
the lads from Snow Patrol.
[LOWE] We get the idea, Jill.
[GASPS] I'm just watching porn.
You're not meant to be watching
the match. You have to stay calm.
Roy, I am so calm.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [ROY] Mmm.
[SIGHS] I'm so cool and calm.
Please, can I watch the
match? I really wanna watch it.
- It's so unfair.
- Keeley.
Roy, I wanna watch the
match. Please, please, please.
- Please, Roy. Please.
- Okay.
But
[LOWE] Still goalless
in the early going.
Quite the bold choice
for Richmond to try
a new tactic in such a huge match,
but they'll need more
from this new formation.
Come on, come on.
[LOWE] Davis to El Sherif,
who can't quite get there.
[PANTING]
Oh, no, no.
- Oh!
- No!
[LOWE] The Robins of Bristol
City draw first blood.
But you have to think Quinn
should've done better there, Jill.
[JILL] No one respects a
goalie's quirks more than me.
That's all they get today. Come on.
[JILL] But if Quinn had been wearing
gloves, it would still be nil-nil.
Well, like they all say, it is
a game of fingertips, you know?
[CHILTON] Literally no one says that.
- [TED] No one?
- [CHILTON] No.
- I just came up with that?
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck this.
I'm getting four shots of
Fireball. You want anything?
[REBECCA SIGHS]
She's a torture, that one.
- [ROY] Okay. Uh, Fuzzy Pencil
- It's a makeup brush, but carry on.
Makeup Brush passes
the ball up the field.
Wait, who is the makeup brush?
- Gabi. Frosted tips.
- Gabi.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Passes the ball towards,
um, Squishy Eye Scissors.
Roy, you have a sister.
It shouldn't be that hard.
Eyelash Curlers.
Eyelash Curlers, moves the ball forward.
- Yeah. [GASPS]
- [LOWE] Now City.
Ronnie to Gibbons.
Acres of space.
Ooh, broken up by Harrigan. No!
Dispossessed! Conn finds Del Mio.
Del Mio!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [GROANING]
- [GROANS]
- [GROANS] What?
[LOWE] 2-nil. Richmond's
in utter disarray
as Quinn can only get a hand to it.
Are you broken?
Ooh.
No, that is broken.
All right, we're gonna
need some offense now.
Yeah. Attackers get warm.
Come on!
Shannon, that's you too. Come on!
It's only 2-nil.
And that's okay because, remember,
nothing really matters in
the grand scheme of things.
Because we are just
stardust floating in a void.
Hmm.
[LOWE] Richmond's
season is on the brink.
This may call for an early move.
Who we gonna sub in?
[BOTH] Gemma.
- Yeah. Gemma.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, Gemma Jay!
- You're going in. Yeah.
- Okay.
Oi, be careful out there.
Listen to your body.
If anything makes you
uncomfortable, you can stop.
It's a knee injury, I'm
not losing my virginity.
I'm trusting you.
- What's going on over there?
- I guess Gemma's a virgin.
[LOWE] It's the moment
Richmond fans have waited for.
Gemma! Gemma! Gemma!
[LOWE] One minute of added time remains.
Jenks finds Song.
One touch to Jay, rampaging forward
- and she's brought down in the box!
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Here we go. It's a chance.
Wait. Hold on a second,
is she all right?
But Richmond's worst nightmare,
Gemma Jay is still down.
Oh, I knew I knew it.
I knew this would happen.
Fuck you. Behave.
- You all right? You okay?
- [GEMMA] Yeah, yeah.
- Get up.
- [GRUNTS]
Yes, fucking come on. Come on!
[LOWE] Well, she's back on her
feet. But is she still herself?
Ted, I know you're trying to
make me a more positive person,
but let's face it, the
world sucks fucking dick.
- With teeth.
- Amen.
Oh. Okay, you two, why
don't you cool your jets
and let's see how the
penalty turns out, please.
[JILL] First game back from injury,
suffers a scary fall that
could have been doomsday,
and she's taking the penalty herself.
That's toughness. That's grit.
Scented Candle lines up
to take the penalty kick,
and everyone is really chill about it.
- [LOWE] All eyes on Richmond's talisman.
- Come on.
Can she fire her side back
into this crucial match?
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[CHEERING]
She can! Of course she can.
- It's 2-1.
- Yes!
- [SHUSHES] And everyone is calm.
- Yeah.
And no one is celebrating
'cause there's no need to.
We can breathe about it.
It's not a big deal. It's 2-1.
It's only football.
Silly, silly football.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING]
[LOWE] This match was all Bristol
- until Gemma Jay came along
- Yeah. Come on.
and since then Richmond have looked
a different proposition altogether.
[JILL] They've been transformed.
Like they stopped drinking and started
doing Pilates three days a week.
[SIGHS] I need to sit down,
recharge for the second half.
That's a great idea. [CHUCKLES]
["JUMP AROUND" PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS]
[SINGING BOWL TOLLS]
[PLAYERS CLAMORING, CHEERING]
You are the man! You!
- Great penalty.
- Thanks.
You shouldn't play the second half.
I saw you limping.
Look, I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
I'm not gonna tell Ted what to do.
[SIGHS]
I felt a twinge.
It hurts.
[SIGHS]
You're right, I should come out.
But if we lose, I'll be fuming.
I'll be fucking livid.
Hey.
Stop me if you've heard this one.
What brings no benefit to the
bee brings even less to the hive.
I know you like to feel everything.
But I want you to feel what
it's like to get promoted.
["JUMP AROUND" CONTINUES]
Buying a bra, huh? Nice.
Let's go, Greyhounds!
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Hey, Shannon, uh,
Gemma's gonna sit second half,
so I'm gonna need your help.
Oh, yeah, cheer her
up on the bench? Sure.
But just so you know, she's a lot.
No, no, I'm gonna need you to go
out there and help us win this game.
Wait. Wait. I'm going in?
Yes, ma'am.
[TED CHUCKLES]
Well, now, hold on a second.
You gotta take off all this junk.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Come on now.
All right, everybody, come
on. Let's go, circle up.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
All right, we're only down one goal,
so second verse is gonna be
the same as the first, yeah?
We're gonna do one thing
different though, and that
- Ooh la la, look at this. Okay.
- Okay! Boots!
Sorry, we're gonna do
two things different.
Shannon, come on, get up here now.
Come on now, let's go.
I'm coming.
The other one is, Shannon's gonna
be starting the second half for us.
- Come on! [WHOOPING]
- Come on. All right. Let's go.
Come on, Greyhounds on
three. One, two, three.
- Greyhounds! Come on!
- Greyhounds! Yeah!
- Congratulations. You got this. Come on.
- Okay.
Shannon, just
Remember
["FORMATION" PLAYS]
- You got this, go on.
- Yes. Yes.
I see it, I want it ♪
I stunt yellow-bone it ♪
I dream it, I work hard ♪
I grind 'til I own it ♪
I twirl on my haters ♪
Albino alligators ♪
El Camino with the seat low
Sippin' Cuervo with no chaser ♪
- Sometimes I go off ♪
- Go off ♪
- I go hard ♪
- I go hard ♪
- Take what's mine ♪
- Take what's mine ♪
- I'm a star ♪
- I'm a star ♪
- 'Cause I slay ♪
- Slay, slay ♪
- Or you get eliminated ♪
- I slay ♪
Okay, ladies Now
let's get in formation ♪
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[LOWE] A Richmond reshuffle for the
second half. Gemma Jay cannot continue.
She's replaced in the lineup by
Shannon Stone, making her season debut.
Richmond have all their
chips on the table.
- Do they have an ace up their sleeve?
- [GROANS]
Shannon, stop thinking.
Okay, okay.
[LOWE] Richmond have lost
their defensive shape.
This is dangerous here.
Bristol. From long range.
What a save from Quinn!
Yes, Boots!
[SCREAMS] Yeah!
[CHEERING]
- [BREATHES DEEPLY] Yeah.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
[LOWE] And Quinn appears
to be wearing gloves?
Oh, I get it. Right.
- Yes.
- El Sharif finds Harrigan
on the edge of the box!
Back heel to nowhere. Oh! Hang on!
The other Harrigan!
- The equalizer! It's 2-2!
- Yes!
Yes.
Yeah!
Come on!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes.
Really good teamwork
from Rouge and Contour.
Yes! Yes!
We can be relaxed because that is 2-2,
and the balance of the
universe has been restored.
[LOWE] There will be a minimum
of four minutes' injury time.
Stone with the intercept. She's
been growing into this game.
The Richmond attack in full
flow now, and Harrigan is in.
[PANTS, GRUNTS]
Cleaned out by the keeper.
Loose ball into the box.
Who's gonna get there first?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
- Yeah!
- [GASPS] Yes!
- Face Wash scored.
- Oh!
[BOTH HUM]
- [CHEERING]
- [LOWE] O Captain! My Captain!
Lizzie Davis.
The mother of two
scores a mother of a goal
to put Richmond on the
brink of the Super League.
Yeah!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes! Yes!
- Whoo!
- Hey.
All right, all right.
Come on, let's focus.
Settle up, switch on. Game's not over.
Yeah! Yes! Oh!
Oh, it's about the Milks.
- I'm gonna take this. Okay, okay.
- Take it.
[CHUCKLING]
Whoo!
Hey, okay.
This had better be good news.
I have found the Château de Milk.
[CHUCKLES]
Hugo, you magnificent bastard.
I'm so sorry for ever
underestimating you,
but it's only because I
think so little of you.
We've no time for your
linguistic foreplay,
my wicked pussycat.
I need to know how high
you're willing to go.
Whatever it takes.
Listen, you skinless hemorrhoid.
If I get these shares, then I'll
have majority control of the club,
so don't fuck it up.
[SIGHS]
- [STOMACH RUMBLES]
- Oh, God, that's the yellowtail.
Oh. Ooh.
My apologies.
That was God.
I was just letting him know
that I'd found two of
his most gorgeous angels.
[JILL] Richmond need
to stay frosty here.
One slip and all is lost.
[LOWE] And there is your slip.
Bristol are still
alive. The cross goes in.
Boots Quinn with a one-handed save.
- Go on, Boots!
- And she made it look easy.
[JILL] Isn't it mad what gloves can do?
[LOWE] But surely she'll stay
down to run out some clock?
[JILL] What is she thinking?
[LOWE] Quinn thumps it
up the pitch to Stone.
[JILL] Show 'em, Stoney.
[LOWE] She's got one defender to beat!
Oh! She's won it for Richmond!
[CHEERING]
Yeah!
["LUST FOR LIFE" PLAYING]
- [GASPS]
- [ROY] Keeley!
I lied, football does matter!
It's the most important thing
in the world, and you did it.
You did it, babe.
This is incredible. I-I-I gotta
go call my wife and my bookie!
Oh, well done. [LAUGHS]
- Oh, man! [LAUGHING]
- [TED, CHILTON LAUGH]
[LOWE] Improbably,
dramatically, incredibly
- [FINAL WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Richmond have done it.
Welcome to the Super League.
Help! Come on!
[LOWE] Shannon Stone. She'll
be returning home a hero.
[JILL] Incredible. This is why
football's the best sport in the world.
[STEWARD] Madam? Madam?
Keeley would have loved this.
You know what else she'll love?
When we move the last match
of the season to Nelson Road
- Yes.
- and fill the whole fucking place.
[WHOOPS]
[KEELEY CLEARS THROAT]
Great game, Shower Gel.
I knew you had it in you.
And you, Weird Shoe, perfect goal.
And you two, Rouge and Contour,
great teamwork despite your differences.
"She was shite. I was grand."
"Don't be a bastard, you little shite."
Stop it, you two.
You're both very powerful
face coloring things.
["OH LOVE" PLAYING]
And you
- Mmm.
- What's wrong?
Nothing.
Okay.
- You've got to be yourself.
- But why not, just for a minute
- Of course.
- Excuse me, I
I'm sorry to interrupt.
But there's been an incident.
Oh, what is it?
It's Ms. Green.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, of course.
That's the best fucking thing
I've ever heard in my life.
I held aloft my whiskey dreams ♪
[KEELEY MOANS]
And struggling to find, it seems ♪
Some semblance of a common theme ♪
I drifted back to Earth ♪
We are going up! Say we are going up!
To grace the skies
with summer doves ♪
To furl the darkness Screaming
of a better time to come ♪
Cruel sacrifice ♪
[PLAYERS CHANTING] We are
going up! Say we are going up!
What it ought to be is changing ♪
We are going up! Say we are going up!
Oh, love ♪
Come down from your
anguish And I'll do the same ♪
My reasons for leaving
I'll try to explain ♪
Oh, love ♪
Oh, love ♪
Stay out for the moment
I promise I'll change ♪
Hey, what you doing?
Get in here and celebrate
with us. [CHUCKLES]
What's wrong?
Come down from your anguish ♪
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- I'll do the same ♪
My reasons for leaving
I'll try to explain ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]