The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e09 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Greg, are you busy?
Just homework.
Mm, want to help me with mine?
Geometry.
Ah.
You know, I really can't see
what good this is going
to do me later in life.
Geometry sharpens the mind
makes you think.
Huh, makes me think I'm stupid.
Let's see where
you went wrong here, dumb head.
Hey, you got an "A" on this:
"The Importance of Choosing a Career."
Oh. It's just an English composition.
Hi, kids.
Hi, Dad. Hi.
What was that about
choosing a career, son?
Oh, it's just something I wrote
for English class. Oh, yeah?
"Skyscrapers are more
than the concrete blocks
"and the steel girders.
"Homes are more
than the wood and the bricks
"of which they are made.
"Modern buildings begin
with the architect's dream.
"My father is an architect,
"and as for me,
"I'd like to become one, too,
and share in that dream."
Come on, Marcia.
No, wait a minute. I'd like to hear this.
"Architecture is an exciting career
that grows with the imagination
of the architect."
Marcia.
I never knew
you really wanted to be an architect.
I thought it was just a summer job
when you worked at the
office last vacation.
Well, Dad, as a matter of fact
You know, I could talk to
Mr. Phillips this summer.
I'm sure he'd let you have
a job that would give you
real practical experience. He would?
Would you like that?
Dad, the idea is nice Ah, good, good.
Consider it done.
Wow, you made Dad a happy man.
Yeah, isn't it awful?
Awful?
How is he going to feel
when he hears the truth?
What do you mean, the truth?
Marcia, the only reason I wrote that stuff
is because I couldn't think
of anything else.
Now, I don't know what I want to be
Me? An architect?
Mmm boy, honey, this coffee is great.
Boy, are you in a good mood tonight.
Yeah.
The lamb chops were great.
The salad was great.
The rolls were great.
How come you didn't say
the salt and pepper was great?
Oh! I forgot.
The salt and pepper was great.
Aw, I don't know, it may
be corny, but I'm so proud
Greg wants to follow in my footsteps.
Well, listen, Mike,
I'm just as proud as you are.
Mom, Dad, can we talk to you?
Yeah, sure, kids. Sure.
Well, it all started
with Greg and his career.
Boy, that was the big topic
at dinner tonight, wasn't it?
Yeah, well, it started us
thinking about our careers.
After all, I'm only two
years younger than Greg.
You want to be an architect?
PETER: No, sir!
Suppose I was a better one
than you are, Dad.
I'd put you out of business.
That's what I call real self-sacrifice.
Well, have you decided on anything?
I'll give you a hint.
Yeah?
"Dr. Brady wanted in surgery.
Dr. Brady, report to surgery."
Well, I'll take a wild guess a doctor.
Right.
And I want to be a nurse.
Hmm. A doctor and a nurse.
I think that's great. Yeah.
And we're going to cure
all kinds of terrific diseases.
Boy, I feel sorry for the germs already.
Come on. We ought to get
down my chemistry set
and start some experiments.
Yeah! See you later.
CAROL: Not like last time!
I don't want some strange, hairy things
growing in the refrigerator!
Greg, did you tell Dad last night?
Uh-uh, I didn't have the heart.
He's so happy about it,
I couldn't say anything.
You've got to let him know.
I know, but I've got
a better way than telling him:
I'll show him.
What do you mean?
Take a look at this.
No, it was right the other way.
It was? Yeah.
It's not quite finished yet,
but what do you think?
Well, first, tell me what it is.
That's a modern house.
Is that the driveway?
That is the moat.
( laughs ): A moat?!
That's weird, really weird.
Great, that's what it's supposed to be.
The new Greg Brady style
is supposed to be weird, really weird.
I'd say it shows a fantastic lack of talent.
Then that ought to do it.
When Dad sees that, he's got to say
I don't belong in the architect business.
At least then I don't have
to disappoint him.
That's a terrific idea.
A moat?
( Chuckles )
( Sighs )
Busy, Dad?
No, son. Come on in.
I made this drawing. Mm-hmm.
I thought maybe you could
tell me what you think.
Yeah, I'd be glad to.
Here, let's take a look.
What do you think?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, I'm thinking
several things here, uh
Is it
Any good?
Well, I don't think it's, uh
when you first start out,
it's really a question of good or bad,
it's a question of
Isn't that a great house?
A house?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
( laughs )
This looks almost like a moat.
It is.
I was trying for something
really different.
Well, I think you've achieved
that effect, all right.
Bet you've never seen
anything like it before.
( Chuckles nervously )
No, never have.
Well, this is, uh this
is very interesting, yes.
You mean you like it?
Well, in any form of art
we look for potential,
and-and this shows some potential
and it shows an awful lot of hard work.
It does?
Yes, yes, you-you keep at it,
and I'll hang on to this
and look it over a little
more carefully here.
Okay thanks, Dad.
( Sighs )
Ugh, poor Greg.
Yeah well, you know,
I couldn't tell him the truth.
He's so excited about being an architect.
Oh, but, Mike, do you think
it's right to encourage him?
Well, honey, you know, it's his first effort.
I don't want him to lose his confidence.
You know, maybe maybe
if he had the proper tools,
if I gave him a drafting kit
and a book that would help him
with his perspective
Oh, boy, does he need
perspective whoo.
Hi, Alice.
Ooh, where'd you get all those books?
From the library.
They're medical books.
Every one of them has got
pages and pages of terrific diseases.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
A doctor's got to know
every disease in these books
if he wants to make people well.
I'll tell you an easier way
to make them well
tell them how much it'll cost to be sick.
Listen to this one:
"Pericardial tamponade."
Pericardial tamponade?!
That sure sounds
like a powerful disease.
It is.
When you get that, you have
to be rushed to the hospital
and operated on within minutes.
Fantastic! Write that one down.
Hey, listen to this one
( haltingly ): "NASA
pray-hagitis, acute carrotahol."
Wow, I'd hate to get that.
What is it?
A cold with a runny nose.
That's the great thing about doctors
they can make anything sound awful.
How's the research coming, Dr. Brady?
Fantastic!
So far we've got 14 fatal diseases,
seven semi fatal ones,
and a whole page of things
that can put you in the hospital
for at least a year.
Ooh, that is a fun book.
Aah ooh!
What's the matter?
Oh, just the old crick.
Oh, quick, look up "crick."
Where does it hurt? Point to it.
If I pointed to it, I'd break my arm.
We've got to be exact, Alice.
It's about where the neck bone
connects to the backbone.
Nurse, diagram.
Here, Doctor.
PETER: Hmm
It's too high for your liver.
Well, maybe I got my
liver in the wrong place.
What other symptoms do you have?
I'm the doctor, and I'll ask the questions.
What other symptoms do you have?
Well, now that you ask, sometimes I get
this tremendous pull right there
Write that one down.
Yeah, and then I get a pain right here.
That one, too. And a pain right over here.
Wow, you've got some swell symptoms.
Do you think it's fatal, Doctor?
Hmm, I'm not sure, Alice.
But you ought to look on the bright side.
Bright side?
Yeah, if it is fatal,
you'll never get it again.
( Giggles ) ( laughs )
Aah!
( Whistles )
Hey, Alice!
That's me.
You know, we already have
two architects,
a doctor and a nurse in the family.
So we figured we better hurry up
and pick out a couple
of careers for us, too.
Yeah, it'd be terrible
if we grew up and didn't do anything.
Yeah, the first thing you know,
you'll be 12 years old
with no visible means of support.
I'm going to be a model.
They get to wear all those long dresses
with ostrich feathers and stuff.
I'm going to be an astronaut,
probably first man on Mars.
Probably.
BOBBY: So
from now on, I'd better
eat what they do
you know, all that powdered junk.
I'll start crushing food in the morning.
I think I'd better have
a special diet, too, Alice.
How come?
For modeling.
I have to worry about keeping my figure.
Don't you think you'd better
wait until you've got one?
See? That's how you do it.
It looks kind of silly.
It's supposed to teach you
how to walk gracefully.
Now, come on, you try it.
Turn around. Balance it.
Stand up straight.
Go.
Models must have flat heads.
Just keep practicing. Let's see if you can
make it all the way through the kitchen.
That's the hardest room of all!
How come?
I have to pass that cookie jar.
( Giggling ): Oh, come on!
Keep it balanced.
Whoops.
Marcia?
I've made up my mind.
I'm going to have to
do something drastic.
Like what?
Tell him the truth.
I'm just gonna have to walk
right up to Dad
and say, "Dad, I don't like it",
"I'm no good at it,
and I just don't want to be an architect."
( Door opens )
Here's your chance.
Hi, kids.
Hi, Dad.
I'd better go help in the kitchen.
( Clears throat )
Dad, there's something
I want to tell you
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I wanted to talk to you, too.
About that drawing yesterday
That's exactly what I
wanted to talk to you about.
You know, you've been
working under a handicap.
You remember these?
They look very fam
Yeah, it's my old drafting kit.
I had it put away as sort of a keepsake,
but they're yours now. Mine?
Yeah, because the correct
equipment can make
all the difference in the work you do.
Oh, well, thanks, Da
And I want you to use
my den and my drafting table
whenever you feel like it.
What do you say
about it? Uh nothing
You know, you're well on
your way to being an architect.
( Chuckles ) How 'bout that?
Yeah
How 'bout that?
MIKE ( echoing ): This is the first set
I ever owned,
and they're yours now, son.
You can use my den, my drafting table.
How 'bout that?
Yeah
how 'bout that?
( Sighs )
Mom said to give you these,
but I'm not to disturb you,
'cause you're drawing
something very important.
Thanks, Cindy.
I'm not disturbing you, am I?
No, no, you're not disturbing me.
( Clears throat )
'Cause Mother told me
not to disturb you.
It's okay.
Greg? Could I ask
you one more question
without disturbing you?
W-What is it?
How come you haven't drawn anything?
Cindy I got certain problems.
Then I guess I better go.
I don't want to disturb you.
( Sighs )
( Humming to herself )
BOBBY: Hi, Alice!
Bobby?
Yeah, hi.
Where are you?
In here.
In here where?
Here!
What are you doing in the doghouse?
It's not a doghouse right now.
It's an Apollo 57 space capsule.
I'm getting myself in condition
to be an astronaut.
You mean astromutt.
Don't tell anybody else I'm in here.
I don't want to have any contact
with Earth people.
Right. I'll remove myself
as soon as I finish hanging up
this Earth laundry.
I've got to get used to the
loneliness of outer space.
Hmm, well, don't spend so long
in outer space that you forget
we're going to have dinner at
6:00 sharp in inner space, roger?
Roger.
( Sighs )
If only Dad hadn't given me
these beautiful tools.
Now he's expecting me to draw
something terrific.
Yeah.
If you don't come up
with something now,
he's really gonna be disappointed.
I'll say.
Hey, wait, maybe that's it.
What's it?
Well, listen, if after all this
I were to come up with something
that's even weirder
oh, he'd have to admit
I'd starve as an architect.
Hey, right.
Think you can do worse
than your last drawing?
( Chuckles )
If you think that was bad,
wait till you see this.
( laughing )
Oh, no!
Peter, the stuff in the test tubes
hasn't turned green yet,
so I think that maybe
What's the matter?
Jan, I've got terrible news.
What do you mean?
I've got an awful disease.
I've got
ana anac
Oh, it's so terrible,
I can't even pronounce it.
Are you sure you've got it?
Sure, I'm sure.
Look at the symptoms:
Shortness of breath
Remember last week in school
when I had to run the mile?
Remember how I couldn't stop panting?
I remember.
And this: Sore finger joints.
And I thought it was
from playing baseball
without a mitt on.
You mean it isn't?
No, it's from this terrible thing I've got
that I can't even pronounce.
Well, now that I look at you,
you are kind of pale.
Oh, that's the clincher.
"Facial discoloration
a lack of color."
That's you, all right.
I'm cooked; I've got it.
Well, does it say
how much time you have left?
It says here about six months.
Well, isn't there anything you can take?
If I were rich, I could take
a tour around the world.
I better break the news to Mom and Dad.
No, it's my job.
I'll do it.
What will you say?
( Sighing ): I don't know.
Maybe I'll tell them
to look on the bright side.
After all, they'll still have five kids left.
Look at that.
Greg's still in there working away.
I know, he's been at it all afternoon.
I've never seen him so
intense about anything.
Well, I guess it was those
drafting tools I gave him.
Can't wait to see what he's drawn, huh?
Huh? Oh, I can wait.
Oh, sure you can.
Just like an expectant mother
in her tenth month. ( Giggles )
( Dejectedly ): Hi.
Hi. Hi.
You have something on your mind, Pete?
Me?
Nothing, Dad, not a thing.
Peter, are you sure you don't have
something on your mind?
No, I yeah.
I mean, I feel just fine.
I've never felt better
in my whole short life.
Yeah, well, we didn't ask you
how you felt, Peter.
What do you mean, "short life"?
Oh nothing.
Peter, are you sure you're all right?
You're not coming down
with a cold, are you?
A cold. Ha.
All right, Peter, spill it.
You're trying to tell us something.
Well, actually, I-I want
I wanted to ask you something.
Shoot.
Do you have to be 21 to write a will?
A will?!
( Chuckling ): A will?!
Peter, what are you worried
about a will for?
Oh, I'm not worried.
It's just that, well
for instance, that
new skateboard I just got
I just want to make sure
it doesn't end up in the wrong hands.
All right, Peter, what's this all about?
The truth, now.
( Sighs )
It's all here.
Page 95
the paragraph on the bottom.
Brace yourself, Mom Dad
it's not going to be easy.
You mean this?
Anacardiaceae?
So that's how you pronounce it!
Yeah, what about it?
It's fatal, and I've got it.
What do you mean?
Read.
Hey, Peter, wait a minute.
You didn't read this very carefully.
There are two pages stuck together.
Huh?
You've gone from page 95 to page 98.
You got the symptom of one disease
and the diagnosis of another.
You mean, I haven't got the fatal one?
MIKE: Well, I doubt that very much.
Here, the fatal one
"can only be contracted
"through the bite of the bandicoot
"or a hyena after having eaten
"the bark of certain trees
in India and South Africa."
Have you been to India
or South Africa lately?
Gee, then what have I got?
Hmm, well, let's see.
"If you're suffering from anacardiaceae,
that is the scientific name for poison ivy."
Poison ivy!
That's all it is.
You'll itch, but you'll live. ( Chuckles )
Thanks, I better go tell my nurse.
( Knocking at door )
GREG: Can I come in?
Yeah, Greg. Sure.
Come on in.
Hi.
Well, here it is.
( Chuckles )
And Dad, those tools you gave me
really made the difference.
Let's take a look here.
Well
Yeah
GREG: Well?
Well Hmm
CAROL: Yeah.
You hate it.
No, no, no, no
Not at all.
Not at all. No.
Not at all.
MIKE: Uh
You mean, you think it's good?
Well, I think it shows tremendous effort.
"Tremendous effort."
He said it showed "tremendous effort."
I can't believe it!
Greg, you've got no choice.
No matter how much it hurts Dad,
you've got to tell him.
He's hopeless as an architect, isn't he?
Honey, let's face it.
What we have here
is Frank Lloyd Wrong.
Well, you know, I think you
ought to tell him the truth,
no matter how much it hurts.
( Knocking at door )
GREG: Can I come in again?
Sure, come on in, Greg.
There's something I gotta tell
Greg, I'm glad you came ba
Greg? Dad, I
Listen, you've got to
understand that I hope you don't
take this wrong Dad, let me say this.
I just don't want to be an architect,
no matter how much you'd like it.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
You don't?
No.
Greg, just because I'm an architect
doesn't mean you have to be
an architect.
I don't? MIKE: No.
Honey, your father and I want
you to be what you want to be.
Oh
what a relief!
( Chuckles )
Yeah, it is.
Dad, I should have leveled
with you in the first place.
Well, I guess I should have
leveled with you, too, son. Uh
The drawings you made
were-were pretty
Bad Bad.
Gee, that's funny. I don't
think they were bad at all.
I think they're the worst things
I have ever seen in my life.
( laughs )
( Door opens and closes )
CINDY: Oh, good!
You didn't go shopping yet!
Yeah, you want to add
something else to the list?
We sure do!
Okay, shoot.
Marshmallows, doughnuts, pretzels
And caramel corn, peanuts, popcorn,
a bottle of cherries, some potato chips
And some of those little ( whistles )
Wait a minute.
How do you expect to eat all of that
and still be an astronaut and a model?
Oh, we're through with all that.
We've decided to have
more sensible careers.
Oh? Like what?
I'm going to be a
professional football player,
so I have to be real heavy.
Hmm. And you?
I'm going to be a lady wrestler.
Chocolate pudding
Uh, vanilla and strawberry ice cream
Yeah, and some butterscotch topping
and-and pumpkin pie! Splendid!
Now, what would you like for dessert?
( laughs )