Young Sheldon (2017) s04e09 Episode Script

Previously on Young Sheldon
You must be Coach Ballard's ex-wife.
Yeah. Why?
I'm kind of dating your ex-husband.
I knew who you were the whole time.
That's why I came over here.
Nicely played.
We ought to go out for drinks one night.
Hell yeah!
Yee-haw!
College is a time for new experiences,
being exposed to exciting
ways of thinking,
meeting people from
different backgrounds,
and the unexpected visit
from your dad in gym shorts.
Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I got a phone call.
Apparently, the head of the
college wants to talk to us.
- Oh, good.
- You sure it's good?
Well, it's better than what
I thought when I saw you,
- which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died".
- Come on.
I was hoping in college you wouldn't
get called to the principal's
office anymore.
She's not the principal.
She's the president.
So if you're in trouble,
you're in big trouble.
That's a fun way to look at it.
Gentlemen, please have a seat.
Sheldon's only been here a few weeks.
I hope he's not in trouble already.
What kind of trouble?
Did something happen?
Ooh, maybe it's from when I decided
Uh, uh, all good.
Uh, you keep talking.
Well, I'll just get right to the point.
Uh, I would like you and your son
to meet with a very important
benefactor of the college.
Why us?
Well, I mean, Sheldon is
is an impressive addition
to the physics program,
and-and we like our donors
to feel really good
about where their money's going.
I get it. You want the star quarterback
to shake some hands with the boosters.
- Exactly.
- I'm not doing that.
I didn't shake her hand,
and she's the president.
No, you don't have to
shake anybody's hand.
Then why did you say it?
I didn't say it. He said it.
But you agreed with it.
All I'm asking you to
do is to go to dinner,
talk about science with a very nice and,
more importantly, a very rich person.
Understood.
- No, thank you.
- Buddy
All right, uh, Sheldon, I
was brought to this school
to help raise its profile, and
one of the ways to do that
is through grants and donations.
You-you can understand that, right?
I understand that you would like
to put the novelty of my age
and advanced intellect on
display to raise some cash.
No. Sort of.
- Can I speak to you alone?
- Will you give us a minute?
Very well. But if you're looking to see
if my father will be a potential donor,
you are barking up the wrong tree.
So
how do we get your son to cooperate?
I've been asking myself
that since day one.
Look, I don't mean to
put pressure on you,
but there's a lot of pressure on me,
so I'm going to put it on you.
Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else
who can go to dinner with this guy?
So I have a unicorn in my zoo,
but I should trot out a goat,
is that what you're saying?
Would you donate a new library
to have dinner with a goat?
What restaurant?
Mr. Cooper, I need you
to understand something.
This university relies on
donations for everything.
For upkeep, for salaries,
for scholarships, like the one
your son is currently on.
I'll talk to him.
Thank you.
And when you go to dinner,
wear real pants.
So, there's this thing
at school I really want to go to,
and before you say no, I just
want you to think about it.
- What is it?
- Like a school function.
Why would I say no to a school function?
So I can go? You're the best.
Hold on.
What kind of function
are we talking about?
You know, just the normal kind.
With some kids.
And some music.
You know you can't go to a dance.
Why not?
You know that, too.
Because we're Baptist.
But all my friends are going.
That doesn't change anything.
What if I promise not to dance?
So you expect me to believe
that you are going to go
to a dance with your friends,
they'll all be dancing
while you just stand there?
I go to church and don't pray.
How is this any different?
Where we eating tonight?
Well, that depends.
Why don't you look in the glovebox
and check on the Tums situation.
There's five.
Oh, my, this is tricky.
Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
We might get by with
two each if it's Italian.
You get red wine and then tomato sauce.
Hey, if they put lemon
in the water, we're dead.
- Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
- Sold.
Who gets Tum number three?
Me. They're my Tums.
Now, what do you think young people
talk about on their dates?
I don't know.
But my knee's telling me
it's gonna rain this weekend.
Speaking of this weekend, hey,
my son needs a final head count.
Oh.
It's a small wedding.
It'll be weird if I'm there.
Aw, come on, I'm gonna
be wearing a suit.
I'm very sexy in a suit.
Come on, Sheldon,
think of it as a free dinner.
I'm a kid. All my dinners are free.
Is what they're asking really that bad?
Yes. I go to this university
to study science,
not to help collect money
like an organ grinder's monkey.
You see me go to the rallies and
fundraisers at the high school.
I don't love it, but I do it.
And I hope they give you
all the bananas you can eat.
Sheldon, donors like this are
very helpful for the university.
They pay for all the science
equipment and your scholarship.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
I'll think about it.
What's to think about?
It's a night of you showing
off how smart you are.
People do like that.
All right, I'm in.
Can I put on the game?
I don't care.
Sweet!
What's your problem?
Did you ever go to a school dance?
One or two.
How'd you get Mom to let you?
Easy. Didn't ask her.
By the way, that works
for all kinds of stuff.
Well, it's too late. I already asked.
Rookie mistake.
Why can't we have a fun religion?
I don't think there is one.
Come with me.
- Here.
- What is it?
The answer to your problems.
Cool. What other tapes you got?
Nature films. Don't worry about it.
Hey. I just got off the phone
with President Hagemeyer.
This guy we're gonna have dinner
with sounds pretty interesting.
He made all of his money
selling antistatic furniture
for laboratories.
He's not even a scientist?
He's just a furniture salesman?
Yeah.
What am I supposed to talk about?
Talk about whatever you want.
Just don't be insulting.
What if he says something
I think is ridiculous?
Keep it to yourself.
What if you just said something
I think is ridiculous? Because
Okay, maybe we need to work a little
on your conversation skills,
like not calling people out
for saying stupid things.
How am I supposed to practice that?
What's up?
- Hello.
- Hey, June.
It's Connie Tucker.
Hey, Connie. How are you?
I'm good.
Am I seeing you Saturday night?
Well, that's what I've called about.
Are you sure you want me there?
I mean, it is your son's wedding.
Oh, it's his second wedding.
Those barely count.
Besides, I'm bringing a date, too.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Okay. I'm in.
Fantastic!
So, how dressed up we getting?
Oh, it's a small ceremony,
nothing fancy.
You just saying that 'cause you
want to look better than me?
Of course not.
But I do believe you'd
be stunning in overalls.
All right.
See you then.
Bye.
Overalls, my ass.
So you really can't dance here, man?
I can't believe that.
- It's true.
- See?
They ain't allowed to dance, either.
It's like I'm watching my life.
That's how I feel when
I'm watching Top Gun.
Okay, Sheldon, try having
a conversation with Billy
about science.
Let's see.
Uh, what do you know about
quantum mechanics?
My dad's a mechanic.
At his shop, he has a calendar
with a bikini lady on it.
Dad
Instead of losing patience,
act interested and ask
a follow-up question.
Your father's a mechanic.
Interesting.
You know what else is interesting?
Quantum mechanics.
That describes the basic particles
and forces that make up reality.
Let's talk about that.
I'm gonna marry that bikini lady.
I've been working on a theory
about the wave-particle
duality of light.
I have a nightlight that
looks like Spider-Man,
but I don't turn it on.
Go ahead.
Why don't you turn it on?
I'm afraid of spiders.
Yeah, seems like a good place to stop.
Now what happens?
You go home.
Thank you for your hospitality.
And it was King David.
King David, who-who we
read about in-in Samuel.
And-and-and what did David do?
What did David do?
What did David do?
- David danced.
- "David danced
before the Lord with all his might,
leaping and dancing before the Lord".
Leaping and dancing.
- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
Too bad it's from Footloose.
What's a footloose?
It is the movie that Pastor
Jeff warned us about
in his talk on the sins of cinema.
Just let me go to the dance.
I'm sorry. I can't.
I'm never talking to you again!
Did you show your sister Footloose?
- Did it work?
- No!
Mm. Then no.
Oh!
Now, when you meet this guy,
you got to shake his hand.
What if I offer a stately bow?
That's how they do it in Asia.
You're shaking his hand.
Then it's a good thing
I brought Old Righty.
You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Why?
'Cause you don't make a good impression
by being afraid to shake hands.
Howard Hughes was a germophobe,
and he did quite well for himself.
Didn't he go crazy and
save his pee in jars?
Better to have it and not need it
than to need it and not have it.
- You're shaking his hand!
- Okay!
Haven't been to many weddings lately.
Mostly funerals.
Yeah, those don't have an open bar.
I don't know why I'm so excited.
I'm paying for this.
Hey, y'all.
Hi, June!
Don't you look pretty?
Thank you.
I happen to agree.
Connie, Dale, this is Justin.
- Hi, Justin. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
You must be a friend of my son's.
Actually, he's my date.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Much more fun than a funeral.
George Cooper,
meet Gary O'Brien,
- the antistatic furniture king.
- Hello.
Shocking to meet you.
Don't do that. And this, of course,
is our physics prodigy, Sheldon Cooper.
A great pleasure.
I had an obligation to fulfill.
So I closed my eyes
and thought of science.
Just like on my honeymoon.
How's pizza sound for dinner?
You think I'm eating dinner
with my mom on a Saturday night?
You're adorable.
Guess I'm eating alone.
What about Missy?
She's not talking to me.
She'd talk to you if
you just let her go.
You know I can't do that.
Come on. I went to school dances,
and I turned out fine.
I didn't let you go to any dances.
I did all kinds of stuff
behind your back.
Like what?
I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb.
So I'm supposed to just let her do
whatever she wants?
Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm just saying she's a good kid.
Be glad she's still asking.
So, how'd you two meet?
Oh, I've been cutting
his mom's hair for years.
Oh, that's nice.
Bet you when she cuts your hair,
you get a lollipop, don't you?
Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
- Really? Is that so?
- Dale.
Okay, so what is it you do, Langston?
Justin.
Actually, I'm about to open
a frozen yogurt shop.
Frozen yogurt. Right.
Isn't that, like, crappy ice cream?
We consider it a healthy alternative.
Right. Crappy ice cream.
It's actually getting really popular.
I'm gonna invest.
Invest money?
What else would she invest with?
I don't know. You got fake ice cream.
- How 'bout fake money?
- Well, there's
Hey, would you mind going to
get me another drink, please?
Happy to.
Thank you.
What's your problem?
Yeah, what is your problem?
Who said I had a problem?
- We did.
- You're being rude.
Okay, you want to spend all
your money on some boy toy,
it's none of my business.
Why do you care what she
does with her own money?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, you got
some young guy running
around, asking for money.
You don't think I know
what that's all about?
Okay, he didn't ask I offered.
And I can do what I want.
I'm a grown woman.
Oh, hell, you were a grown
woman when he was born.
Sheldon, why don't you tell Mr. O'Brien
about some of your goals
at the university.
Well, I'm pushing for
stricter dress codes.
There are a lot of
belly buttons on display.
Science goals.
My ultimate goal is
to one day devise the
grand unified field theory.
Ah. You're one of those, are you?
Excuse me?
Well, Kurt Godel's
incompleteness theorems
eliminate the possibility
of a unified theory.
- You honestly believe that?
- Sheldon.
That's interesting.
Tell me more about how
Einstein's life goal
was nothing but folly.
What is she thinking?
Maybe she's thinking, "Why
did I come here with this guy?"
Wait, no,
that's what I'm thinking.
You know what I'm talking about.
She brought him here on purpose.
- What purpose?
- To upset me.
You know, Dale, not everything
is always about you.
Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me.
It seems like it's all about me.
Well, you owe her an apology.
Like hell I do.
Then I'm gonna do it for you.
No, wait.
Connie, wait.
What?
Bring me back a beer.
Missy?
Go away.
I'm not talking to you.
I know you're mad.
But I've been thinking about it, and
I trust you enough to know
that you will behave yourself.
So, just this once, you can go.
Thanks, Mom. Love you.
Why won't this open?
Sometimes it sticks!
I know, on the surface,
Dale seems like a
a bully, but,
underneath
Still a bully.
Well, yes, but a little
less of one, right?
Sure.
Thank you. You know,
I'm gonna bring him a peace offering.
Ain't he cute?
Can you believe that Dale thinks
the only reason you brought him
here is just to piss him off?
That's exactly why I brought him.
- What the hell is the matter with you?
- What?
Why would you go out of your way
to upset Dale at your own son's wedding?
I don't know. He's my ex-husband.
Well, he's my boyfriend.
Hey, that's your problem.
Well, you're starting to be my problem.
Geez, who's the bully now?
I knew I shouldn't have come here.
Your ex-wife is a bitch.
I am so filled with love
for you right now.
I believe we have to look to
gravity and its magnitude
I was really doing my
best to hold it together.
could be a repulsive force
if you just add negative mass.
I smiled and nodded
like my meemaw's Houston
Oilers bobblehead.
And I also discovered a way
that we could predict the masses
of all the known particles
using the Egyptian pyramids.
In physics, there's a phenomenon
known as supercritical assembly.
If you bring enough material
together in one place
The trick is numerology.
in the right configuration,
eventually, it will explode.
This is fun. Not a lot
of people I can talk to
scientist-to-scientist.
We're not talking
scientist-to-scientist.
You're not a scientist.
You're just a rich man that
no one will be honest to because
everyone wants your money.
Oh, don't listen to him.
I mean, he's just a kid.
Why don't you tell me a little more
about your pyramid thingy? Huh?
It turned out Gary did
appreciate my honesty.
The school got a generous donation.
My, my, my.
That is a lot of zeroes.
My father got Oilers tickets
from President Hagemeyer.
50-yard line and free parking?
Hoo-mama.
And I got a brand-new, state-of-the-art
antistatic lab chair.
It works.