Animal Control (2023) s04e11 Episode Script

1
Mysterious.
Ooh.
Where are you taking me?
[ALARM CHIRPS]
Nice try!
Didn't you check the license plate?
I'm sorry, I was busy sourcing
a hundred yards of dog leashes.
What happened to my car?
Run!
[VOCALIZING]
[EMILY ON RADIO] Attention all trucks.
You are never gonna guess
what I'm about to tell you.
Oh, my God, are we
merging precincts again?
No, guys, there is a new movie
coming out about animal control,
and the star really wants
to play the role accurately.
So, he's coming here today
to shadow one of you!
Oh, yeah? What washed-up
box office poison
canceled wannabe wants to
grace us with his
It's Bradley Boyd.
B-Bradley Boyd?
The action star of
the Defuser franchise?
The only thing he can't defuse
[BOTH] Is himself!
Is himself, yeah.
Because he's a live wire.
See, it works on two levels.
- No, I get it. I get it.
- But second
He's gonna shadow me,
I claim it, and I will fight
anyone on this, especially Templeton.
Hey, Emily, any, uh,
other big announcements
you wanna make today
over the radio?
I don't know, I think having
a movie star
at the office is
pretty neato mosquito.
Americans are so obsessed
with celebrities.
Nobody bothers famous people
in New Zealand.
That's 'cause you don't have any.
Yeah, we do, and when
I see Brian Sergent
at the fish and chip shop,
I leave him alone.
Hello!
He played Trevor the Rat
in Meet the Feebles.
Totally Totally, totally. Um
Hey, Templeton, can I see you
in my office for a second?
Uh, actually, anything
you have to say to me,
you can say loudly to all.
Okay, well, your prescriptions
are at Bettany's desk,
but I'd prefer if you stop
forwarding them to the office.
- No, no.
- They get mixed in
- with the dog meds, and
- Stop talking.
all of the dogs are aroused.
Copy.
Oh! Hi.
[SINGING] Waffle time. Waffle time.
Hey, do you know why
Templeton's so pouty today?
I-I checked, and no
swimsuit models from the 80s
recently passed, so
I think he was hoping
you would say something
about his birthday.
It's his birthday? Today?
Why didn't someone say something?
Well, Daisy would've, but she's
on her Beatlemania cruise.
She keeps sending me
pictures of herself
in the octopus's garden.
It's really just a swimming pool.
Oh, man. I have to make it up to him.
I'm supposed to pretend
to love everyone the same.
Like a stepmom with three new kids.
You got it, stepmom.
11:00 AM waffles.
Oh, I miss those.
Used to be my thing. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know if you noticed
or not, but I've been, uh,
trying to tighten the cage.
Oh. Yeah, man.
That thing is padlocked.
Got this family reunion coming up.
- Uh-huh.
- Going on a ten-day
juice cleanse to kind of
get across the finish line.
So, it's ten days.
Just juice. No solids.
Maybe the occasional nut milk.
You know I love a challenge.
If you want somebody to paddle down
the Juice River with you, I'm there.
No, I don't think you understand.
See, I had to mentally prepare
for this thing for weeks.
It would just break you.
Dude, I was nearly an Olympic athlete.
I bet I'd last longer than you.
You throwin' down the gauntlet?
Oh, I think it's been thrown.
My middle name is self-control.
It's on.
Yeah, it is.
But not for money
because Maya gets upset.
Oh, for God's sake.
He's an actor, not the Pope.
He disarmed the Pope in
Defuser 4: White Smoke/Black Smoke.
He's here!
Bradley Boyd is here.
Damn it! That's mine.
You can't own a pose.
It's public domain.
Hey! High five. Alright.
Um, everyone, I'd like
to introduce you to Mr. Bradley Boyd.
[APPLAUSE]
It is an honor.
Hi. Frank Shaw. Former detective.
I don't typically gush, but, uh
I like your movies.
Frank is one of our most
capable officers,
and he'll be showing you around today.
Now, my knowledge
of animals is limited.
Even though I did
defuse an exploding python
in a TikTok promo.
I know you're used to
a lot of action, but
get ready to see some crazy stuff.
I'm talkin' apex predators.
You.
I love your energy, baby.
Straight guys are so gay.
[TEMPLETON GRUNTING]
Oh.
Sorry, you caught me on groin day.
If you're gonna gawk,
at least throw me a tip.
So, I just came to say, um,
happy birthday, Templeton!
Uh, sorry I didn't give you
a shout out
this morning, but we made you a card.
- On copy paper.
- Yeah.
With one signature.
From all of us?
This card wasn't passed around.
This card has zero passage.
Oh, okay.
It's a little harsh, but
you are right.
You deserve more.
You know, at the two-three,
we used to write and perform
poems for birthdays. Odes, epics.
Typical two-two behavior to half-ass
my special day on purpose.
No, no, no, it wasn't on purpose.
Can you please let me
make it up to you?
Okay, show up to
the multi-purpose room tonight
for my dip party.
Uh, like like dipping tobacco?
Gross. No.
Sharing dips with my closest friends.
Bean. Spinach artichoke.
Snickerdoodle hummus dessert.
Yum. And I will be there.
I'll-I'll bring guacamole.
Yawn.
Don't forget to bring
lots of neutral crackers.
I can do that.
Love your workout.
Sorry the gerbil call took so long.
I mean, we do have to weigh
them, though.
It's protocol.
Yeah, well, I apologize
for being so skittish.
Gotta bring that up
with my Chakra guy.
Could be a blockage.
You know, I rescued
24 animals in 24 hours.
How would I know that?
[VICTORIA] Watch out!
Future handbag comin' through.
I'm kidding.
Yeah, I had to wrestle this guy off
an unlicensed street performer.
Pike Place got quite the show.
How did you get the call?
I usually handle the bitey stuff.
Because it wasn't a call,
I just saw it
and I took initiative.
Oh, you know what,
my trainer says initiative
is the first step to doing something.
Yeah. Do you want me
to take his math tape off
so you can get a pic
with your head in there?
Yes, I would love that.
[PATEL] Ooh.
Sittin' down already?
Just a little double vision,
but other than that,
it's all good.
Mmm.
Yeah, your body's detoxing
from all the sugar
you had at breakfast.
[SCOFFS] Whatever.
It's called hyper slough.
Pretty common for the ill-prepared.
Ungh.
- Dead man wobbling.
- Hey.
My dad's a dead man.
You take that back.
I said what I said.
I shouldn't have had so many
fudgesicles last night.
Hey, I need your help.
Clear the annex kennel
and your conscience.
Okay.
I am a weak but willing partner.
Can I bring my juice?
Is that a painting of you?
Oh, it's my grandpa.
He was painted when weight
equated to great wealth.
[GROWLS]
Feral dog on the loose!
He's out for blood!
- Ahh!
- Careful.
- [HOWLS]
- It's a dangerous animal.
Thankfully
so am I.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[BOYD] He's shooting
dog treats. That's bad ass.
Whoa.
[SHRED] She's eating!
Frank.
Yo.
Consider the situation defused.
[BOYD] What?!
Frank, that was epic!
Give me a glimpse into your insides.
What are the feels like
in that moment?
Ehh, does the wind feel?
I mean, it just is, right?
Damn it, that's beautiful.
I wish we could go deeper,
but I have to get to set.
You know what?
You should come with me.
I have to work, but I can quit.
You ever ride in the back
of a Kia Soul?
I'm just messing. It's a Lambo.
- With the butterfly doors?
- Hell yeah.
I mean, yeah, we can take yours.
All right, let's go.
♪
Frank! Free. It's all free.
What are you doing here?
It's guest of talent only.
Yeah, the Bombinator invited me
after I bagged that caiman.
Oh, he was just being nice.
You should probably go
before you embarrass yourself.
No, he sent a car,
and there was a driver
standing with an iPad
that said Victoria.
Don't be jealous.
[BELL RINGING]
Alright, let's get it quiet on set.
[CRUNCHES LOUDLY]
[DIRECTOR] quiet on set.
Are you still hungry?
'Cause I can bring you
a pail of corn nuts.
Oh, hey, Natty, baby.
- You hear me?
- Yeah.
Uh, I'm gonna try something
on this one, alright?
Stay on your toes.
You got it, Bradley Boyd!
Action!
Thank you.
Oh
When you said this was single source,
was that source the garbage?
[LAUGHS]
He kinda sounds like you.
I mean, can't a hero
get a decent cup of joe?
I captured 24 animals in 24 hours.
Oh, yeah. That's definitely you.
Oh, this movie's gonna be
even better than I thought.
[CAN CRACKS OPEN]
Oh, damn it.
[MEXICAN STYLE MUSIC PLAYS]
What is this?
Shred Taylor arranged this.
And made sure that
we had extra al pastor.
That's my favorite!
[ON RADIO] Patel to Shred. Go to hell!
Go straight to hell!
Who's weak now? Bitch!
Sorry. Sorry, I'm hungry. Sorry.
You know, you were supposed
to help me, not sabotage me
with juicy spinning meats
and oh, my God,
is that a horchata bar?
Well, you stepped to me
with the competition.
I'm gonna step right back, brother.
Till we're stepping
all over each other's
toes and stuff.
Quesadillas are seconds away!
I'm gonna go lock myself
in the kennel,
and I hope the smell
of urine is overwhelming.
[CAR HONKING]
I'm on a cleanse!
Hey, uh, great stuff out there.
Um, you know, uh,
Victoria said something funny.
She said you were doing
an impression of me?
Keen eye, that one.
But I need to work on your mannerisms.
Oh. Well, um,
I'm known for my posture.
I'm six-three, but,
uh, I read six-six.
Uh, I cross my arms a lot, both to
judge people and keep myself warm.
What else? Um
Your knitted brow
indicates both intelligence
and a cynical skepticism
towards the world.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
[BOTH MM-HMM BACK AND FORTH]
Mm-hmm?
[SINGING] The Rum Tum Tugger
is a curious cat.
[SINGING] The Rum Tum Tugger
is a terrible boy!
I always wondered what it
was like to hang out with me.
- This is great.
- This has been so helpful.
I've been trying to put
my finger on the essence
of this character
and I finally have it.
He's a dick.
Well, I don't know
if I'd call him that.
I mean
he probably gardens
and reads literature.
Maybe a proud cat dad.
Okay, I like this.
He uses his sarcasm
to protect himself.
Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what he does.
Hey, um
I'm full. Let's go.
Oh, so you're ready to go?
You sure you don't wanna
crunch your way through
the next scene, too?
Well, I had to do something.
Your scene was so boring.
[FRANK] Probably went over your head.
I assume you spent your school
years under the bleachers.
I would be offended if
that wasn't entirely true.
[BELL RINGS]
Uh, in high school,
my principal allowed me
to call him by his first name.
Geoffrey.
I have a movie-related question.
How do you smash a glass
bottle over someone's head
without them bleeding out?
Oh, he can't tell you that.
It's one of the many secrets
of the silver screen.
We use sugar glass.
Huh.
You fascinate me.
I'm gonna see if props will
send you over a six-pack.
Wait is he into you?
Wait, are you into him?
No. He's a stupid celebrity.
I just like being here
because it's not work.
Uh, you're in my chair. Move.
Also, am I a dick?
Yeah, massive. Sh!
I don't know why you only wear
this on laundry day.
I mean, this is peak Emily.
I look like I went swimming
in a lost and found.
Wait, you have
to throw away ketchup, too?
It's all a temptation.
Alright, you are this close
to turning into
a cartoon turkey leg.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- [NOTIFICATION ALERT]
- Oh, no! No!
Oh, I totally forgot about
Templeton's dip party thing.
I'm gonna be late-late
and not ten minutes early late.
But we still have
to get through all the salsas.
Oh, yeah. I need that, actually.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye!
Hmm.
Not a great turnout.
Hey, what are you doing?
Don't get your hair in there.
You don't have a hairnet on.
[TEMPLETON] Disgusting.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
There was, um, traffic.
There was, there was cars and
- Save it, save it.
- Oh.
Okay, you already missed
the toast and the roast
and the birthday spankings.
Not to mention you're dressed
like a common subway flasher.
Okay, a flasher would never
wear as big of underwear
as I have on right now, so
You know, you say you want this
happy merger of the precincts.
Yet you don't even show up
for one of your key officer's
special days.
And where are the two-two
losers, where are they?
Oh. Oh, I know. You probably
didn't invite them.
Well, I didn't realize
I was supposed to.
You don't realize much, do you?
Like your plummeting approval ratings.
- What?
- Yeah.
I did a Survey Monkey.
Okay, let me guess.
These people are the only
ones who filled it out?
These people do you see
what I'm shielding you from?
She's like this all the time.
I'm-I'm just using plural pronouns.
Don't agitate them.
You're right. I shouldn't make
this about them,
'cause it's about me.
And you don't like me,
and that's why you dissed me
on my special day.
And not for nothing,
but you're not pulling off
those basketball shorts.
Yes, I am.
You don't know fashion, okay?
I-I am pulling them off.
You know what, Templeton?
You're right. I-I don't like you.
And why would I?
You're crude, you're disrespectful,
and you've said from day one
that you're coming for my job.
So, I did not forget
your birthday on purpose.
But maybe there was some kinda
subconscious thing going on
'cause most of the time,
you act like such a D-I-C
Oh, you can't say the K.
- [WHISPERS] K
- [CROWD GASPS]
I'm sorry, team, for swearing.
I'm just gonna go, but
I'm taking this with me.
And I made you a really
nice salsa, a pico de gallo.
So.
Pico de bye-o.
[BELL RINGS]
Director said you wanted
to speak with me?
Specifically not Victoria. What's up?
I'm supposed to release this
rehabilitated eagle, right?
But he just stands on my arm.
There's no spark.
And, I mean, we supposedly, you know,
just saved a school bus together.
Well, chemistry is tricky.
You can't fake it.
That's why 50 percent of all
eagle marriages end in divorce.
Damn.
Well, let me know if you
think of something, okay?
Oh, and by the way, uh,
what's your vacation policy?
I mean, is a two-week trip
to San Sebastián in the cards?
Well, uh, I, uh
I mean, between vacation days,
uh, sick days,
and inventing dead relatives,
I can make any trip work.
Awesome.
You know, I'm thinking about
flying Victoria over on the PJ
for the Tempranillo harvest.
[VICTORIA] Bradley.
Oop.
Uh, back to your earlier question.
Uh, look that eagle
straight in the eye.
They respond very well
to unbroken eye contact.
I can do that.
[DIRECTOR] Okay, we're framed.
And
Action.
[EAGLE CHIRPING]
Looks like those kids are gonna
get to recess after all.
[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE]
- [SCREECHES]
- [BOYD SCREAMS]
- [DIRECTOR] Cut! Cut! Cut!
- [BOYD] My leg!
Why would he ever antagonize
that bird on purpose?
Who knows? He's an actor.
I didn't put him in
the hospital, the eagle did.
I mean, and the bird
didn't even touch him.
He had an anxiety attack
and is now refusing to go back
to work because you told him
to stare down a bird of prey.
Now the entire movie is on hold.
Seattle needs this, Frank.
This could be the next Sleepless.
Well, technically, You've Got Mail
was the next Sleepless.
Alright, I need you to go down
to the hotel,
apologize to Bradley,
and get him back to set.
No. He called me a dick.
Okay, well, the mayor's media liaison
is really breathing down
my neck for this one,
so, now I'm breathing down yours.
Okay, but are we gonna
address the slanderous
name he called me?
Well, one way to prove
that you're not a
[CLEARS THROAT] is to
hat-in-hand yourself down
to the presidential suite
and just get this movie
back on track. Please.
Okay. Fine.
I'll run your little errand.
- Thank you.
- And it's not my fault
that sardonic wit goes over
all these morons' heads.
Okay. Yep. I heard it.
I'm officially over the hump.
I'm post-food.
I don't even need this
"If the Cashew Fits".
Post-food?
- Really?
- Y-Yeah.
Oh, great. So you wouldn't
mind if I did this?
No, I wouldn't. No no no no no no!
Of course I mind!
Don't you know false
bravado when you hear it?
You're really losing it, man.
So I guess you wouldn't
mind if I did this?
Oh Of course I mind!
I didn't even bluff that I didn't!
I'm so hungry that I'm nauseous.
You know what makes me nauseous?
The way you prance around
the office like you're
the world's most charming boy.
Well, you're a grumpy old man
who always needs a nap.
Stop having kids
if you hate 'em so much.
At least I can have kids.
That's right, I know all about
your frozen rooster.
Perez Hilton was wrong
about my rooster.
It works just fine!
Oh.
What are we we're insulting
each other's penises.
I'm out.
You win.
I need trail mix.
No. Don't do that.
Don't do that. No!
I'm not gonna let you give up.
I can't do this. [SOBS]
- Look at me.
- I can't do it.
Yes, you can.
Because I can't either.
But together
we can do anything.
Juice dawgs for life?
Juice dawgs for life.
God, our grip strength is so weak.
So, let me guess, your boss
made you come here to apologize.
It's a good guess.
Just like in Defuser 4
when you had to guess
which wire to cut.
Wait, that was all those movies.
I just gotta ask Frankie. Why? Huh?
Why did you put me
in danger like that?
I didn't like the inaccurate way
you were portraying my industry.
You don't
handcuff the animals
and read them their rights.
Some of them don't understand English.
No, that's not it.
See, I am in you now.
I am in your psyche.
Something else is motivating
your vindictive choices.
No. Get out of my psyche. Stop it.
Huh? What is it, jealousy?
Greed?
[GASPS]
Unrequited love?
Whoa! That bidet is crazy.
Oh. Hi.
You're here?
Oh.
Nice.
Little bang-hang.
Yeah, yeah, I-I feel that.
Anyway, um
sorry about the bird.
Um, see you at work.
I'll put the Do Not Disturb
sign up as I leave.
Okay.
Hey
I just, uh, I wanted to
apologize, uh, for last night.
Even though our relationship is
- Terrible.
- Yeah.
It's not great, but, I mean,
that's partly my fault.
I should never have gotten
personal with you last night.
I knew what I signed up for
when I agreed to work for a female.
I-I'm trying to apologize here.
I mean, it's not like you didn't
say some things too, right?
It's kind of a two-way street.
I guess I can have some
big feelings on my special day.
My mom, uh, didn't believe
in celebrating birthdays,
Yet there was always
a cake on Flag Day.
Well
You know what, I promise to
make better birthday memories
for you, starting right now.
Um. Attention everyone.
I would like to publicly
acknowledge the belated birthday
of our very own Templeton Dudge.
Who we're so lucky to have.
And if you wouldn't mind following me
into the kitchen, I have
a little surprise waiting.
[SINGING] Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Why are we stopping? Let's keep going.
Ha no!
What the heck, you guys?
I'm so sorry. We're so sorry.
Our-our grip strength was weak.
[MOUTHFUL]
Look away! Don't look at us.
Really twisting the knife
on my special day, boss.
Well, if that's how
you wanna play it, game on.
No! No no no no no!
No, Templeton, this wasn't on purpose.
So sorry.
[FRANK] Victoria.
You and Bradley.
So, you've fallen under
the spell of a celebrity.
It's pretty American of you.
And I ate my body weight
in peanut butter M&Ms.
Pretty American of me.
Well, I think that movie's
gonna be a bust.
I mean, his impression of me is
Right. You're right.
His impression of you was way off
because you were amazing last night.
It was hot.
Hey, Shred. I would've
never eaten that cake
if it wasn't for you.
[GASPS] Patel! No!
What are you doing?
That was my partner.
- Now, who's gonna get me my coffee?
- No!
[EMILY] We are civilized people!
Please stop fighting!
No! Oh, my God, I'm calling 911.
Gotcha!
It's sugar glass from
props department.
Uh-huh, then
then why is Frank bleeding?
[VICTORIA] Wait, wait.
Frank, are you okay?
Whoa. Fake blood. Nice!
Nope. Uh, I think I bit into
my tongue when I fell.
I gotta go to the hospital.
And this is why we don't play
with movie props at the office.
sync & corrections awaqeded