Maron (2013) s04e11 Episode Script

1 Do they really need that? Man, you don't really know a lot about high-end automobiles, so I-I-I know that if one doesn't fill the void, two isn't gonna, either.
Yeah.
I should probably get a boat.
All right, so, uh, look, man, uh I'm moving on, man.
You know, and I and I just want to thank you, you know, for the job and for the place to live and for the insight into your creepy marriage.
You know, just thanks.
Thanks a lot.
What is this? Where are you going? Well, you know, t-there's nothing for me in L.
A.
anymore, man.
You You know what I mean? Show business is done.
I'm just gonna get in the RV, head north, get a fresh start.
Maybe go to that town where my kid lives and Yeah, that's a really bad idea.
No, it's not.
Why? Well, for one, it's not your kid.
Uh, it's my sperm, it's my kid.
Yeah, you donated the sperm.
I know, but I donated the sperm directly into a woman's vagina with my penis, and she asked me to do it, and her partner did, too.
Just forget about the kid.
Stay in L.
A.
You know, it's a perfect place for sad, desperate, pathetic people like you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
Have you ever asked, uh, you know, Nina to maybe cram that up your ass? Has that ever happened? Oh.
Mm-hmm.
What are we doing? All right, if you're leaving, I want to show you something.
Whoa! - What?! - Yeah! It's my stuff.
How did you All right, so I got it at an auction.
Oh, my God.
Thought this stuff was gone forever, man.
Just, uh, get it out of here 'cause I gotta make room for the motorcycle I'm probably gonna die on.
Hey, buddy, I really appreciate it.
I really appreciate you holding onto this stuff for me.
- Yeah.
- Come on, man, bring it in.
No.
Really? [Farting.]
What? What What? What's wrong with you? I'm sorry.
I would be a terrible sponsor if I signed off on this.
Honestly, you're too new in your sobriety to move away.
You'd just be running away from the things you need to look at inside yourself.
This is nothing more than a classic geographic.
Things don't get better just because you're in a new location.
I mean, I'm telling you, bro.
It just doesn't work.
It's just You Go like this.
You got crumbs on you.
- Did I get it? - No.
Ugh.
Come on, Gerry.
Just go easy on the cookies, will ya? Please don't leave, man.
- Look, all right.
- What am I gonna do? A-All right, all right.
I love you, man.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna miss you.
I love you, too.
You're my only friend.
Want to have another cookie? You want another cookie? Just This is your home.
You can't just leave.
Like, w-what am I supposed to do with this information? - What about me? - What? What are you talking about? We see each other like two, three times a year.
I mean, we're not even that close, if you think about it.
Well, that's because you're too annoying to be more than a tri-annual friend.
- That's a category for you? - Yes.
And even though we don't hang out all the time, I still like to know that you're around.
It still makes me happy to know that you're in town.
Hmm.
Yeah? I think we should definitely have sex.
[Scoffs.]
What? Or Or get married or something.
You have feelings for me, Whitney.
- That's That's what's happening.
- Jesus.
Is this why you invited me to drive all the way down here? So that you could manipulate me into having sex with you? Did not start out that way, okay? But then, you know, you, like, obviously like there's You know, there's something here.
And we've known each other a long time, and I-I know I know that you're curious, yeah, about what it would be like to experience me.
[Stifles laugh.]
- Experience you? - Mm-hmm.
- But think about it.
Think about it.
- What? If it doesn't go well, we never see each other again.
Right, there's no risk of post-coital awkwardness, right? Just nice and clean.
Two funny, sexy people just saying, you know, "Thanks for being my friend.
" I'm good.
Uh so have a safe trip.
Drive safe.
You know, the deal.
- Use Waze.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, thank you for the coffee.
I love you.
Don't do that.
You don't know what love is.
We both know that.
Hey, man.
Remember me? No.
Yes, you do.
You came to my house when you listened to records on my McIntosh turntable.
Sorry, I don't.
- You're lying! - No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Dwayne.
I don't think this is the best way to get the most cash for these.
Shut up.
So, listen, liar, I want you to give me a fair price on these, and I know what I have, all right? We're gonna take a look around.
All right.
Frampton records are on the wall.
Oh, ouch.
Posturing douche.
He knows me.
Oh.
Oh, it's my L4 again.
Oh! Look, we'll be out of here in 10, then we'll go by your house, I'll get the cats, and then I'll be, uh on my way, I'll hit the road.
Yeah, about that.
We didn't know you were coming back for them, and my wife she's very attached.
What are you saying, Andy? She'll kill me if I give them back.
They're my cats.
Look, I can't cross her.
It's not like I have women lined up around the block.
I-I-I'm not leaving town without my cats.
Okay, how about this? I'll keep one, and I'll give you the other.
What? No.
I can't have one cat? I don't know.
H-H-How do you make a choice like this? I mean, LaFonda sleeps on my feet, and Monkey follows me when I take a walk.
I can't, Andy.
This is cruel.
It's wrong.
Just pick a cat, please! - All right, Monkey.
No, LaFonda! - Okay.
I ca I can't believe you're doing this to me, man.
Okay.
All right, $60 for everything.
What, are you kidding? $60?! Dude, this this this "Evening with Wild Man Fischer" is mint, and it goes for over $100 on Vintage Vinyl.
This record.
$40 for everything.
$40?! It's worth over $200.
All right, all right, okay.
I'll take $40 if you admit that you remember me.
I know you.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Enjoy your hollow victory.
I will.
And thanks for the $200 record.
Oh, shut up! So it's a big day for you.
I'm changing my life! What the hell? Hey, Bernie.
What are you doing? Volunteer work.
Giving back to the community.
But there's not a school around here for miles.
Yes.
It's been a slow day.
Can I take you across? No, no, I'm in the car.
Where you headed? I'm heading up north.
I'm I'm moving, actually.
That's beautiful! Thank you.
Not You're the only guy that's said that, actually.
No! Yeah! North is a hell of a direction! I have family up there.
You want some company? Uh no.
No, I'm good.
I haven't seen my brother, Kenny, in years.
Oh.
I didn't even know you had a brother.
He's kind of messed up.
- One in every family, right? - Yeah.
It sure would mean a lot to him if he saw me.
How far up north is he? Not far, not far.
Uh all right, get in.
[Rock music plays.]
[Door closes.]
[Chuckles.]
Jerky? No, no, no.
No, I'm good.
This is gonna be fun having some company.
- Stop! - What? - [Brakes squeal.]
- We're here white house.
Okay.
Well, that was fun.
You have a blessed journey.
And pick me up on the way back.
Marc: Pretty lonely and boring, huh? This was a bad idea, just like everyone said.
Why? I needed a change.
Feels right.
I mean, what could go wrong? We get up there, nothing works out.
We got nowhere to go.
We're living in an RV.
Or worse, we just die out here on the middle of the highway.
Oh, man.
Are we going to Sheila's? We're not going to Sheila's, are we? Yeah, yeah.
I just want to catch up.
Can't have sex with her, man.
She's in a wheelchair.
What? Really? I don't know.
It's been like 30 years.
Wheelchair? Why would you say that? Shit happens, man.
Just be prepared.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
- Marc? - Yeah! It's me! Hi, Sheila! Hello.
I I hope this is okay.
How did you find me? I mean, what are you doing here? Okay, I g I guess that's excitement.
Um I'm I'm moving to Chilton, and I thought, like, "Why not stop?" And, yeah, is this okay? Y Of co Of course.
Oh! [Sighs.]
So, about a year and a half after you and I broke up, I met David.
Brilliant, brilliant photographer.
18 years older.
Kindest person I ever met.
We got married pretty quick.
Against my parents' advice, of course.
Yeah, they didn't like me, either.
Oh, they liked him a lot.
They just thought he was too old.
Passed away two and a half years ago.
Heart attack.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are these your kids here? Yeah, Jenna's 27.
She just had her first baby.
Can you believe I'm a grandmother? What? Max is 24.
24? That's how old I was when we were dating.
Oh, my God.
We were kids! How about you? It's been a rough, oh, what is it, like, 30 years.
Hmm.
I don't feel great.
I don't think I've ever felt great.
Have you ever tried Reiki, Marc? No.
I've heard of it.
I don't know what it is.
It's energy work.
Is that like magic? Mm-hmm.
Kinda.
It's what I do now.
Hmm.
I'm certified and everything.
You, uh feel like giving it a try? Mnh-mnh.
You sure? It might be good.
I don't know.
Mm, no.
[Door opens.]
Oh.
You got undressed.
Oh, I'm not supposed to? I can just get my clothes back on.
I mean, people would usually You know what? Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
Nothing you haven't seen before, right? Yeah.
It's, uh, just been a while.
[Sitar music plays.]
All right, I'm gonna check out your chakras, starting with your crown chakra.
Moving to your third eye.
Whew.
There's a lot going on in there.
Yeah, yeah, always.
All right.
I'm gonna move to your heart chakra here.
[Breathing heavily.]
Oh.
Oh, Marc.
It's all broken.
Shh.
Just let it happen.
Breathe.
I blew it! [Sniffles.]
I blew everything! My whole life! I hurt so many people! Everyone's better than me! I never learned how to play chess! Give it a sound, Marc.
Give it a Give it a sound.
[Whining whimper.]
Good, good, Marc.
Let it out.
[Guttural groan.]
Ugh.
Everything sucks.
There's no point.
I wasted my life.
It's okay.
It's okay, Marc.
No, no, Marc.
Please.
It's what we used to do.
I fall apart, and then you'd have sex with me.
Yeah, but that was a long time ago.
We're not the same people.
I'm not the same person.
Uh-huh.
Not a word! [Air hissing.]
[Sighs.]
Nice rig.
How long you been driving trucks? Eight years.
Cool.
Kinda envy you guys.
Must be nice just driving into the desert sunset, knowing where you're going.
A lot to be said for living the uncomplicated life.
Look, if you're trying to suck my dick, I don't do that shit.
What? No.
I-I-I'm just trying to have a Get the hell away from me! W-Was it the the "desert sunset" thing? It was, wasn't it? [Engine sputtering.]
Oh, hell.
Looks like someone forgot to fill up.
Oh, so now it's my fault? [Sputtering continues.]
[Engine shuts off.]
Hey, thanks for helping me out, man.
There's a cafe at the next exit.
- I'll drop you there.
- Okay.
Look, I don't know what goes on out here, but just so you know, I wasn't looking for gay sex, all right? Just trying to figure my life out.
One of those, huh? What's that supposed to mean? College-boy mental crap.
Well, what do you think it all means? You think too much.
That's your problem.
My cousin Phil, he was a thinker.
He thought his way right into blowing his brains out.
Lighten up.
Old school, huh? - What? - Oh, nothing.
There's just better ways to do it, you know? Cleaner.
Hey, never mind.
I'm okay.
Do the thing.
[Horn toots.]
Yay! [Laughter.]
Joey: So, I'm at the supermarket buying some groceries.
And the lady says, "Would you like a bag?" I said, "No, I'm gonna juggle these 47 items out to my clown car.
" Hannah, you suck! - Maron?! - Yeah.
What the hell are you doing here? - You hanging out? - Yeah, yeah, I'll be over here.
All right.
I'm in I'm in the middle of something.
All right, all right.
Yeah, so I saw your name under "fried haddock" on the sign.
What are you doing up here? Di Didn't I see you on a Subaru commercial? Yeah, that was seven years ago.
You were doing so well down there.
Agh I was working commercials, a couple guest star turns on "Raymond," "According to Jim.
" You know how it goes.
It It dried up.
Sucks, man.
Right when you get good, they replace ya.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
I am much happier living up here.
I married a great woman with a cute 6-year-old.
And I manage one of her dad's UPS stores.
Much easier than banging your head against the showbiz wall.
It's good to hear that.
I needed to hear that.
You have no idea, man.
- All right.
- [Laughter.]
That ought to do it.
What the hell? [Laughter continues.]
[Glass shatters.]
Nice car, old man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, all right.
I remember doing that when I was a kid.
I'll be right back.
- [Engine starts.]
- [Laughter.]
[Music pulsing.]
What the hell, you Goddamn pieces of shit?! This is my world, assholes! Assholes! Assholes! Try that in Los Angeles.
May want to get the hell out of here.
All right.
Good catching up, Joey.
All right, we're here.
You ready to go home? Oh, come on.
Really? The engine's still warm.
You know that's what's gonna happen eventually.
Did you forget? We were miserable at home, too.
Yeah, but we had a routine.
You don't even know anyone up here.
You got no job.
There's no shit to do in a place like this.
What are we gonna do? Hang around the general store? There's a general store? You think they're hiring? We came all the way up here, and you don't even know where the kid lives or even Shay's last name.
Oh, man.
I don't know her last name.
What are you doing now? Hey.
Zoe? What do you want, Marc? You already apologized.
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah, uh, nothing.
Um well, it's weird, but, uh but I'm in Chilton, and and I was just wondering if you knew Shay's address and last name? What?! Look, I just want to see if my kid's okay.
Your kid?! He's not your kid! Sperm donation does not make you his father.
Yeah, I-I Yeah, but on some level, I-I No! On no levels! It was in the contract, for Christ's sake! Who the hell do you think you are?! Hey, look, just 'cause you gave up on everything doesn't mean that I have to.
You think Shay's gonna let you anywhere near that kid? She doesn't want anything to do with either one of us.
Leave it alone! Leave me alone! I'm trying to do the right thing here.
[Scoffs.]
Hello? It's over, man.
Let's go.
We can stop at a diner on the way, order an entire blueberry pie, get a pint of ice cream, and just eat ourselves into a deadened sugar coma.
Can we jerk off first? That's a given.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hello? 527 Stonebridge Street.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you, Zoe.
Thank you so much.
Okay, I And listen, I w I w I won't do anything stupid, okay? Right.
And tell me how they're doing.
Yeah, yeah, will do.
This is gonna get ugly! Get out now! Fine! [Engine starts.]
["Make It Easy" plays.]
What am I supposed to do now? Start walking to Los Angeles.
If you're right, I'll pick you up on the way back.
Could've had Whitney! Bye! The stop and go The ebb and flow Is a batting cage in a personified rage The shifting patterns