My Name is Earl s04e12 Episode Script

READING IS A FUNDAMENTAL CASE I think there's something wrong with these books.
The Camden Library couldn't afford actual classics so they bought knockoffs.
That explains The Adventures of Chuckleberry Flinn.
I'm going to read Trazan the Ape Man.
He's got a pet cheetah named Monkey.
All right, let's get started.
Trazan the Ape Man.
"You may be shocked as I describe this strange and unusual tale "but I assure you that every word is true.
" And you may be shocked I'm reading to kids but like all good adventures, it starts at the beginning.
Back before my list, me and Randy got sentenced to community service in the "Humiliate to Rehabilitate program.
" Hi, Dad.
How big's a body part got to be before we're supposed to report it? Fist or larger.
Never mind then.
It was crappy work but one guy made it kind of fun.
That guy's doing the theme song from that show that comes on every couple of years about the different colored people with superpowers like swimming fast or throwing sticks real far.
I saw an episode of that once.
Come on, fellas, they're only going to burn it later on.
Why should those bastards in the dump have all the fun? Those guys at the dump do have all the fun.
Give me that lighter.
This is a huge misunderstanding.
Raynard was so cool he let us crash with him when our dad threw us out for the eighth time.
Come on in! There's a bathtub in the living room.
And he's got outside plants growing on the inside.
I didn't grow them on the inside, I just opened up the window and gave the plants a choice.
And did you open the bathroom door and give the tub a choice or are you just crazy? I'll tell you what is crazy, is letting somebody tell you where you can put your tub.
Believe me, the news isn't so depressing when you're surrounded by bubbles.
I think your globe is upside down.
It's not.
No, I'm pretty sure it is.
Geography was the only class I went to in high school.
Teacher was hot, had a touch of the palsy.
She was always dropping stuff.
Bending over to pick it up Dropping it again Anyway, the North Pole should be on top.
There is no up or down in space, man.
Look at my hand.
A spaceship is coming at the Earth like this, okay? This is the top.
But if you come at it like this the top becomes the bottom.
Makes you think.
A globe is the Earth? Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me I come from Alabama with a guitar on my knee As fun as Raynard was, he was a little nervous around the ladies.
Nice Let me handle this.
We're in a band.
We're opening for U2.
- U2? - Yeah, me, too.
All of us.
That's right, so, who wants to party with guys that are going to be sharing a shower with Bono? Sweet! Do you have a tour bus? 'Cause we don't party with garage bands.
No, but we take the bus.
He's kidding.
Yeah, we got one.
A big shiny one.
It's like 100 feet long! Everybody stop talking.
Meet me outside in ten minutes.
I went out and stole the first bus-like thing I could find.
We wanted to party where we wouldn't be disturbed, so we drove out to the old abandoned Camden Scout Camp.
The next morning, we got the girls to leave by telling them we had to rehearse and that we'd call them later.
Neither one of those things were true.
And we didn't want to get caught driving a stolen Bookmobile, so, we walked, too.
That girl bit me.
Is that hot or scary? And that's where our tour bus stayed until me and Randy went out to do #219: "Stole a Bookmobile.
" But I don't understand why I can't have one.
I promise I'll feed it and walk it and if it's bad I'll hit it with a shovel.
I'm not sure you're ready for a puppy, Randy.
Let's see if she'll start.
What the hell?! "No one who saw him could say for certain "if he was an ape or a man.
"Perhaps he was neither one of those things.
"Perhaps, he was both.
" "Even though we were paralyzed with fear, "we couldn't help but gaze with wonder at this most odd creature "that looked so much like a man "but acted so much like a beast.
" What are we going to do? Raynard always told us to think for ourselves.
We should set this thing on fire and run.
We can't leave leave him, Randy.
I got a feeling this might be all my fault.
Turns out, it was all my fault.
The last time I saw Raynard was right after me and Joy got married.
Earl! Buddy! Great to see you, Raynard.
But we got to keep it down.
I got a wife now, pregnant hormones a little touchy.
Super hearing.
What's with all this chitter chatter? Hey, sugar.
- It's my friend, Raynard.
- Who cares? I'm working my ass off to grow this baby and you're out here having a party! I need peace and quiet.
I mean, what if I'm doing something really important on the baby today? Like his brain or his weiner? You even care? I need a glass of Chablis! She seems nice.
So Earl, buddy, I was wondering if I could crash with you guys for a while.
I got evicted.
Cheers! Stop talking funny! You can see what I'm up against here.
Joy's not going to like it if I let you stay.
But I've tried everywhere.
I've got nowhere else to go.
Earl! My water broke! Never mind, never mind, I just peed the bed.
Come clean it up.
After that night, Raynard wandered broke and homeless for days until he stumbled across what was left of Camden's library outreach program and that reminded him of the Bookmobile.
I got to put him on the list, Randy.
When we were in trouble he let us crash at his place but when he need somewhere to stay, - I didn't help him.
- But that's Joy's fault.
She was so mean when she was pregnant and when she wasn't.
We could've tried harder.
We should've been there for him.
Raynard, don't be scared.
It's Earl and Randy Hickey.
You remember us? We stole this Bookmobile with you.
We're your friends.
You! Friend! What's the matter, buddy? You been living in the woods so long you forgot how to speak? No one speak to me.
Cool.
He figured out a way to talk out here using less words.
What a time-saver.
Me like you talk.
Me like you talk, too.
- Smell Raynard? - No, thank.
Just like talk part.
So, what are you doing out here? You okay? Yeah, happy.
It paradise.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
But where do you find food and stuff? Food? Food.
You hungry.
I be back.
Weird.
I think he's gone crazy.
I don't know, Earl.
He seems happy.
Plus, he's got a pretty sweet setup.
Maybe we're the crazy ones for not living like this.
Friend! This is my hot wife, Sharlene.
Nope, he's the crazy one.
Food.
Hot wife! Perfect life! And then I realized why he was crazy.
Me and Randy had seen those berries before.
Back when I was married to Joy and the bill collectors got to be too much, - sometimes we'd go camping.
- Ya'll be honest, is the bottom half of me a horse right now? Joy, what's wrong with you? Joy, say something.
You're weirding me out! Is anybody home? Freakhead! Baby, no! How about we skip the berries and go in my car and get a pizza? Earl, you're using too many words.
Pizza.
Come on, we go.
Rubber face! Poor guy.
Living out here eating crazy berries.
And doing God knows what with a raccoon.
We got to bring him back to civilization.
When we catch Raynard, can I keep him for a pet? What? No! He's a person.
Here, Raynard! Here, boy! Come with us and see what you've missed.
Remember how you used to like putting a lime in your beer? Well, now they make beer with the lime already in it.
Crazy, huh? And everybody's got a phone in their pocket, and a dog in their purse, and cars fly.
- Everybody's rich! - We don't want to oversell it.
Just try to fight through the crazy berries and listen.
It's Earl! I'm your friend, I want to help you.
You know what? You're not the only one that can climb a tree.
I'm coming up there after you.
"We watched in awe as he ran away, "as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
"As fast as a jackrabbit.
"And we knew we wouldn't be able to catch him with our strength, "we would have to use our brains.
" "The Ape Man used his primitive skills to escape, "but we knew we were smarter.
"So, we decided to set a trap.
"And that required bait.
" Don't mention this to my boss.
There's a strict policy at the club against letting people lure you into the woods.
What kind of freaky crap is that? There was more to that relationship than I thought.
"In an effort to civilize this beast man, "we brought him back to the city.
"To see such a monster paraded through town made people stare.
"Most were disgusted "but some were overcome with curiosity.
"We knew for the creature's own good "we had to tame it quickly.
" What the hell is that idiot doing with a wild man tied up in the back of his car? That Earl and his list.
He gets himself in so many predicaments.
We were in a hurry to get Raynard back to normal.
Luckily, Catalina knew about something called a colonic that gets all the bad stuff out of your body.
Aw, man.
Bad news, Raynard.
The hose goes in the other end.
Don't worry.
I got a G.
I.
Joe stuck up there on accident once.
This hose is a lot smaller and there's no gun to get caught on anything.
I hoped to never have to give another dude a forced colonic.
It was good to see Raynard back in his right mind again.
Married? To a raccoon? Those must be some powerful berries! It was a girl raccoon, right? The next step to get Raynard back on his feet was getting him cleaned up.
Is that one a tick or a mole? Mole.
And after we got him cleaned up, it was time to find him a job.
So, I got him a delivery job at Camden Foreign Foods.
I figured he couldn't mess it up, he just had to hand people food and take their money.
You don't give them the food if they don't give you the money.
Yeah, but she gave me something better than money.
We gave her half a chicken, she gives us a whole chicken.
That's two for one where I come from, Buttercup.
You are fired! After Señor LoMein didn't work out, I got Raynard a job somewhere that standards were so low - I didn't think he'd get in trouble.
- You put the soap on the pillows? Yeah, it forces you to get out of the shower and walk naked, feel the delightful sting of the clim on your privates.
Really pulls the drawstring tight on your coin purse, huh? I thought it was candy on the pillow.
Finally, I found Raynard a job where it didn't matter how you did it as long as the job got done.
The hell are you doing? That's the rat hole I was talking about, you got to spray the poison in there.
I'm not going to spray in the hole, I'll spray around the hole.
If the rat comes out of the hole and he steps into the poison, he steps in the poison of his own free will.
I don't give a rat's ass about that rat's ass and his free will.
You won't do it I'll do it myself.
No, that's not your choice to make! - It's the rat's choice! - Give it! How would you like it if someone sprayed you inside your house, huh? Darnell! Call the police! The exterminator sprayed me in the face with rat poison again! I'd had enough of Raynard's free thinking.
I decided to post his bail and call it even.
Until I found out they hadn't taken Raynard to jail.
My official diagnosis is A.
P.
D.
That's Antisocial Personality Disorder.
And a pretty advanced case, at that.
Here, see for yourself.
Randy, enough.
Santa Claus would not be working in a mental institution.
Why are you so afraid of me, man? 'Cause what? I'm different, because I sound funny, 'cause I can talk just like everybody else here if I wanted to! Would you be more comfortable if I talk about, hot dogs and apple pie? We could tailgate and drink some light beer or he's afraid of me because I don't blindly follow your rules because I'm not a sheep like you! That was a good one.
Luckily, society has a place for people like your friend.
Do they make toys there? Don't worry, he'll be well taken care of after a couple days on the meds, well, he won't even need the straps.
- Can I talk to him? - Of course.
I'll have my assistant take you in.
Would you like to follow me? Okay, Randy, that's weird.
I admit it.
It was sad seeing Raynard all drugged up but after trying to help him fit in, I had to agree that he just didn't belong in the normal world.
I like candy.
Do you have candy? - No, do you? - No, do you? Hey there, Raynard.
How you feeling? Put out your hand.
You thought I was going to let them take me for a ride on their monkey train? How about you untie me, let's get out of here.
I don't think that's the best idea.
You should have left me up in the woods where I was happy, man.
I've tried living in your world.
Look where it got me! I don't know if you were really better off out there.
You were hallucinating on crazy berries.
I'm not going to eat anymore of those damn berries.
Please, the next time I see a raccoon, we're just going to be friends.
Come on, Earl.
I'm dying here.
Raynard was right.
He didn't belong locked up and pumped full of drugs.
He belonged in the wild.
I just had to figure out how to get him back there.
Yo, buddy.
Will you help me do a magic trick to entertain the folks? Sure.
Hey, everybody.
Check this out.
This guy is full of candy.
Like a giant piñata.
Candy! Sorry I got to take the Bookmobile back.
You're all right with the tent? Yeah, man.
Take it back.
That thing's way too restrictive.
Besides, I already read or ate most of the books.
You hear that? Hear what? Exactly.
That's the sound of freedom.
And that chirping is the sound of Sharlene in heat.
That's going to be a tough conversation.
I could hit her with the Bookmobile on my way out.
I don't want to know.
Thanks for everything, Earl.
Thanks for bringing me home.
"At last, he was returned to where he belonged.
"What we had once feared we came to admire.
"He had the courage to think freely, to live freely.
"To truly live.
"He was Trazan.
King of the Jungle.
" The end.
I was glad to bring the Bookmobile back.
Those books were going to help the kids see the world a whole new way.
Kind of like Raynard did for me.
Where did Trazan live? The story takes place in Africa.
Which is down here.
Or another way to look at it, is that it's up here.
Makes you think, doesn't it? A map is also the Earth? Jarick & loky