Ghosts (2021) s04e13 Episode Script

1
And here are your tickets to Acapulco.
You guys are gonna have
one heck of a honeymoon.
We can't wait.
- And these are nonsmoking?
- Yeah.
A full two rows behind
the smoking section,
so you should be all good.
(LAUGHS) Oh, the resort
is incredible, too.
Uh, make sure you bring lots
of coins for the pay phone
in case you want to
(IMITATES E.T.): phone home.
(BOTH CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
Have you seen it? You got to see it.
I wept.
Hey, Vinnie, I'm just helping out
these two lovebirds.
I'll be right with you.
Just swinging by to grab
those traveler's checks, Pete.
Totally. Got 'em right here.
Hey, you guys have so much fun, okay?
And send me a postcard. Now
Beat it, ooh! ♪
(LAUGHS) Have you
listened? You got to listen.
Talented artist, better man.
♪
And now you add your cup of Dr. Pepper.
Pete says to add the
Dr. Pepper now, Jay.
It feels wrong, but it smells so right.
- What going on?
- SAMANTHA: Jay's making Pete's
legendary arrabbiata sauce.
Fun fact: "arrabbiata" actually
comes from the Italian word
for "angry," which is
what people would get
when we ran out of this
at Sunday night dinner.
Partly because they
loved my sauce so much
and partly because they
were all tanked on Riunite.
JAY: Okay, that's amazing. I
wish I could put this on the menu.
Well, why can't you?
What about some sort of
Italian/Indian fusion thing?
Yeah, like a garlic naan with
an arrabbiata dipping sauce.
Ooh! I could do different
dishes to honor each ghost.
Like, um, samosa knish for Trevor or
collard greens paneer for Alberta.
Uh-huh.
- What? What is it?
- Thor's pitching ram's testicle masala.
Is obvious and winning combination.
- Okay. Well, that's an idea.
- PETE: Sam,
I don't know about putting
my sauce on the menu.
Pete's not sure about you
using his sauce on the menu.
Aw, man.
It's just that it's actually
an old family recipe of Carol's.
When we got married, she made me promise
never to share it with anyone.
And did she keep all
her wedding day promises?
Fair point. Objection withdrawn.
Pete says now he's cool
with you using the sauce
because of Carol sleeping with Jerry.
Okay, feel like I missed some context,
but I'll take the W. Thanks, Pete.
Carol also lay with Thor,
but that more of a hero
move on Thor's part.
You're welcome.
HETTY: Trevor, I think we
should discuss next steps
for our new power friends alliance.
Right. The thing where we team up
to manipulate the others
for our mutual benefit.
I had a thought about what
our first project could be:
getting Flower to move out of my room.
And then on day two,
the Grateful Dead played.
They were late to come onstage
because their sound guy
whose nickname, ironically, was Bear
wanted to make sure everything
was good with the electrical
'cause of all the rains, which
you never even hear about.
I do. I hear it quite a bit.
I get not wanting to room with Flower,
but that seems more like a
"you" thing than a "we" thing.
And what are you two talking about?
- Uh, pedestrianism.
- The ladies of Tri Delt.
- What?
- Nothing.
We're just catching up.
More importantly, how are you two?
Enjoying the 21st century?
Lately, you two seem to be
lurking in a lot of corners
and having some very
hushed conversations.
ISAAC: And we don't want to
jump to any conclusions, but
are you two romantically
entangled again?
What? No. We're just
friends. Normal friends.
And what concern is it of yours?
ISAAC: We just remember what it
was like the sneaking around,
the breaking up, the
getting back together,
the big public blow-ups.
And then we'd get dragged into
all the exhausting fallout.
Trev would come whining to me whenever
you'd do something thoughtless.
It was a lot. And I like drama.
Me, too. But not all this drama.
Well, there's nothing going on.
I pray you're telling the truth,
because you two getting back together
would be a disaster on
the scale of the Sugar Act,
which was very bad.
Aw, did they make you pay tax on sugar?
And molasses, which we
used in many products.
- It was a grave injustice.
- Yes, the 18th century
was very difficult for
white, male landowners.
Thank you.
Peter, this arrabbiata
fusion dish is a smash.
I'm just glad I could help Sam and Jay.
I know how important this
restaurant is to them.
Speaking of people doing
nice things for friends,
here come Carol.
Pete, we need to talk.
Did you really give Jay
my family's sauce recipe?
Yes, Carol, I posthumously
shared a sauce recipe.
Big whoop.
Excuse me, garçon. I'd
like to speak with the chef.
Yes, sir.
Oh, God. Why does that
guy look so familiar?
CAROL: Pete,
that's my cousin Anthony.
Little Anthony?
I haven't seen him since he was ten.
Hi, I'm Chef Jay. Welcome to Mahesh.
This arrabbiata
it's very good.
- It's also very familiar.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it's supposed to
be like home cooking.
That's what we're going for.
I don't think you're following me.
I'm saying you stole my sauce.
Excuse me?
My name is Anthony Randuzzo.
I'm the proprietor of
Anthony's Trattoria.
Look, sir, I've never
been to your restaurant.
Jay, just apologize,
go back in the kitchen.
You do not want to cross this man.
What? He was always such a sweetie pie.
Easily bribable with a lollipop,
although that info may be dated.
I'm gonna make this simple.
You're gonna take this
sauce off the menu, or else.
(CHUCKLES) Or else what?
Or else I'm not gonna be very happy.
Okay, well, you know what?
That's what Yelp's for.
Although I will warn you.
My sister personally responds
to all negative reviews.
And she studied
creative writing at Penn.
- State.
- Altoona campus.
Did not graduate.
(SIGHS) Come on, Angie. We're leaving.
That's his goomar Angie.
What is going on?
Pete, get with it.
Anthony's in the Mafia.
JAY: You don't really think
he's gonna write a bad review, do you?
That's the kind of thing
that could kneecap a new business.
That's not the kind of kneecapping
you should be worried about.
So, you know how that sauce
recipe you got from Pete
was actually an old
family recipe of Carol's?
No.
Well, it is, and the problem with that
is it got so popular and so distinct
that word got back to
Carol's cousin Anthony.
- The guy who Jay told to get lost?
- SAMANTHA: And Anthony,
in addition to being a restauranteur,
is apparently high
up in the local Mafia.
- How high?
- He's head of it.
And if Jay doesn't get
that sauce off the menu,
he's gonna be sleeping with the fishes.
He's the head guy, Jay.
Seriously?! I'm gonna have
to go into witness protection.
All I did was make a sauce.
Just take the dish off the menu.
Man, nothing ever goes right
with this ghost stuff. (GROANS)
Sound like someone rethinking
not going with ram's testicles masala.
Not too late.
I just don't understand.
How did Anthony get
mixed up with the mob?
You really don't know any of this?
He was born into it.
He's head of the Randuzzo crime family.
What do you mean?
Randuzzo's your family.
And they weren't in the mob.
They ran a travel
agency. I worked there.
The travel agency was a front, Pete.
It's where they cleaned the money.
What? No.
- I'm in a little bit of a hurry here, Pete.
- Yeah, no problem.
Uh, how much you looking to do
this week in traveler's checks?
- 30 large.
- All right.
Vinnie, we all good with that thing?
Yeah. The thing is good.
What thing?
Oh, wait a minute.
Are you guys planning
a surprise party for me?
Can't get nothing by you, Pete.
(LAUGHS) Ouch.
I'll take it in the back to count.
You know I'm happy to help you
bring stuff back there, Carmine.
You don't go in the
back, Petey. Capisce?
All right. All right, I'm
the front man. (LAUGHS)
But I booked trips for people.
Was none of that real?
It was a functioning travel agency.
But you were the only one
doing any travel agent work.
So, you're telling me
that Vinnie and Carmine
and Fat Sal and Little Sal
those guys were in the Mafia?
I mean, yeah, those
names scream travel agent.
I am sorry, Pete.
I just assumed you'd figured it out
and never wanted to talk about it.
So I was just the useful idiot.
Oh, all good operations need one.
It's a vital position!
FLOWER: Day three of the
festival opened with Canned Heat.
Interestingly, their lead
singer was nicknamed "The Bear."
Not to be confused with the
Grateful Dead's sound guy
or the animal that devoured my
corpse in return for hugging it.
You know, Flower, I've been thinking.
Right on. I do that, too, sometimes.
I want to preface this by saying
I adore having you as a roommate.
Aw.
But I'm starting to
fear I'm being selfish.
What do you mean?
You're in a wonderful
relationship with Thor,
but it's being stunted by the
fact that you're living with me,
when you should be moving
in with your beloved.
Thor has actually mentioned
that he wants that.
But I don't know. Moving in together?
It's a big step.
Flower, a relationship is like a shark.
It must move forward, or it dies.
That's from Annie Hall,
which is a Jewish movie
that Trevor once showed me.
I mean, I don't want
our relationship to die.
I died once.
It wasn't great.
Then give it a shot, and I will
bravely carry on here alone.
Oh, and maybe don't mention
to anyone that this is my idea.
It'll seem more special
if it came from you.
It's already forgotten. I believe you.
SAMANTHA: So, how did it go?
I went to Anthony's
Trattoria, I talked to Anthony.
I profusely apologized.
I told him we were gonna
take the dish off the menu.
And I think we're good now?
This whole situation is so scary.
Oh, don't worry. If they
really wanted to whack him,
he'd be dead already.
That's comforting, right?
I just feel terrible. I
mean, the last thing I want is
for Jay to be whacked off
by a bunch of mobsters.
ANTHONY: Hi, Jay.
How are you doing?
- This is Paulie.
- Yo.
- And Joey.
- Nice place.
They're back. This is not a good sign.
The good news is, typically,
the wives are off-limits.
Uh, hey, gentlemen. Um,
what can I help you with?
Well, there was something
I just couldn't get
my head wrapped around,
and that was how it is exactly
you came up with the arrabbiata.
Oh, I just came up with it. (LAUGHS)
Because there's this
interesting coincidence, see?
My cousin Carol
May she rest in peace.
ANTHONY: died here
on your property not too long ago.
And, uh, I was thinking, is it possible
that someone went through her purse,
found her recipe book?
Anthony, sir, we would never.
We knew Carol.
We were very sad about the
doughnut-hole-related tragedy.
JAY: Yeah. Look, guys, I just
came up with the same sauce, okay?
People come up with the
same great idea all the time.
Armageddon and Deep Impact.
A Bug's Life and Antz. It happens.
Well, actually,
Antz was a rip-off of A Bug's Life.
DreamWorks rushed it into production
after they caught wind
of what Pixar was doing.
That actually makes a lot of
sense. Antz felt rushed.
Be that as it may, I
didn't steal the sauce.
You sure about that?
Sam, it's gonna be okay.
You're young. You'll find somebody else.
Uh
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER) We're just messing with you.
No, no, we're good, we're good.
- Yeah, totally.
- ANTHONY: Let's, uh,
let's find a table. I'm starving.
- Is it just the three of you?
- Well, actually, we're expecting some friends.
We need a table for ten.
Oh, uh, well (LAUGHS)
We can definitely accommodate you.
It's just, it's gonna be
a little bit of a wait.
I don't understand.
Does this man want to
wear concrete shoes?
We don't do waits. Okay?
We'd like to sit down now.
How about that table over there?
JAY: Oh, well, they just sat down.
(LAUGHS) It's her 40th birthday party.
And?
And we'll move them.
Oh. See, that's great. She
gets it. I like this one.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- All right, let's do it.
(LAUGHTER) This is funny.
Perfect timing. They're just about
to decide which house they're gonna buy.
The fixer in the good school district
or the turnkey across
from the drug-ridden park.
Oh, you got to go drug-ridden park.
I mean, that's just added convenience.
Speaking of big real estate
moves, Thor have news.
(THOR LAUGHS)
Flower moving in to our room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just move Flower in here.
Well, for one, we don't
have room for three people.
(LAUGHING): Are you kidding?
In the summer of '66,
I lived in a Volkswagen
with five other roommates.
And not the Bus the Bug.
THOR: So it's decided.
(LAUGHING): We shall now
fornicate in celebration!
No, no, no, you can't just
make this decision on your own.
That's a fair point. Let's take a vote.
Yes, voting is best.
Vikings have early form of democracy,
which we call "the
thing," or "folkmoot."
(LAUGHS) But we also like pillaging.
Vikings very well-rounded.
All those in favor of me moving in?
Why now? Why is this
happening all of a sudden?
I actually can't tell
you whose idea it was
because I promised Hetty I wouldn't say.
Flower very discreet.
- (FLOWER LAUGHS)
- Hetty.
This is a disaster.
They've gone through, like,
12 bottles of wine already.
One of the goomars said she
wanted ten racks of lamb to go.
Apparently, they're hosting a fundraiser
at Anthony Junior's school, which,
you know, is kind of sweet,
as far as extortion goes.
And they keep saying,
"Put it on my tab."
Sam, I don't think they're
gonna pay their tab.
He doesn't think the mobsters
are gonna pay their tab.
Bright kid.
ISAAC: They ate Joanna Feinberg's
40th birthday cake. (SNIFFLES)
And I believe she
brought that from home.
Anthony blew out the candles,
which, frankly, just seemed mean.
Well, they finally left.
They did grab some art off the wall,
told the waiter to put it on their tab.
Okay, well, at least they're gone,
and we made it through the night.
Yeah, about that. I heard them talking.
They're planning on coming back
tomorrow and the next night.
I was afraid of this.
This is just the beginning.
This is how they do it.
This is how they do what, Carol?
They're gonna bleed you
dry until you need a loan.
They'll give it to you,
and you'll have to take it.
Eventually, they'll own the place,
and after they squeezed
every dollar out of it
and there's nothing left to steal,
they'll burn the place down
for the insurance money.
Hmm. If only Peter
hadn't shared that recipe.
I was just trying to help.
Oh, God. This isn't good.
What isn't good, Sam? (CHUCKLES)
CAROL: This is the beginning
of the end. (POPS LIPS)
Kiss your restaurant goodbye.
- Oh, no.
- Sam?
Carol, isn't there any
way out of this mess?
- You know these people.
- Please.
I don't want to burn down my
restaurant for insurance money,
no matter how many times I
said I love Goodfellas.
It was a little violent for my taste.
PAW Patrol violent for your taste.
I don't like how they
glorify the police,
but I do love puppies, and
they keep that town safe.
Carol, please, can't you help us?
Well, there is one
thing that might help you
get out of this mess, but I can't do it.
SAMANTHA: Sorry, Jay.
Carol says she won't help.
You never go against the family.
Enough. I'm your family, too, Carol.
And you lied to me for my entire
adult life about our marriage
and, apparently, my joke of a job.
- No, it wasn't a joke, but
- Let me finish, okay?
Because while we're on the subject,
Sam and Jay are my family.
And I got them into this mess
and I need to get them out of it.
But I need your help, Carol.
So, please, for once,
just be there for me.
I guess we could go on the run.
One of the cooks makes fake
IDs for high school kids.
You're right, Pete.
This won't make up for
everything I've done,
but I owe this to you.
- Now Carol says she will help.
- (LAUGHS)
I kept the books for all
the family businesses,
and just like the travel agency,
they were basically fronts
for laundering money.
Carol was a mob accountant.
She kept evidence in a storage facility
in case things ever went south.
Like Charles Grodin in Midnight Run.
Totally. I was thinking the same thing.
How have you not seen that movie, Sam?
- It's a classic.
- I've been busy, Jay.
You've watched White Chicks
three times in the past week.
Sam, I'm gonna give you the address
and the combination to the lock.
Thank you, Carol.
But promise me, you
will not look in the box
that is labeled "Tasteful Nudes."
You have my word.
TREVOR: Hetty, did you tell Flower
to move in with me and Thor?
All I said was that she and
Thor deserved to be together.
Okay, well, if you're so
invested in their relationship,
why don't you let them move in with you?
HETTY: What?!
My room has but one bed.
How would three people
possibly share one bed?
- Well, in the cult
- Nope.
- Okay, then, in the commune
- Not relevant.
- When I was dating Fleetwood Mac?
- It's not happening.
I am not sharing a bed with a couple.
Well, I'm not sharing my
room with Flower and Thor,
and I'm not letting
you get your own room
as a result of all this meshuggaas,
so here's what's gonna happen.
I'm moving in with you.
- What?
- HETTY: I suppose that is the most
fair solution, given
the current dilemma.
Uh-uh. If you two start sharing
a room together, it's only
a matter of time before
you're back together.
Alberta, we are more than capable
of avoiding that particular pitfall.
There shall be no hanky nor panky.
ALBERTA: See, now, that's exactly
what they say in a romantic comedy
right before they do get back together.
Well, it's happening,
unless anyone else has a better idea.
It's moments like this
that a hero must emerge,
and I shall be that hero.
For the sake of house harmony,
I surrender my private quarters
to Thor and Flower.
And I shall
move in with Alberta.
I don't love the idea of
not getting my own room,
but anything's better
than these two shacking up.
Can't get dragged into
all this drama again.
So we're getting Isaac's room?
Thor can live with that.
Will miss performing
in front of audience,
but is small sacrifice
to pay for house harmony.
ANTHONY: What is this?
You-you interrupted my meal.
We just want to talk with
you for one second, Anthony.
Ooh, that is a nice pot.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take that.
- Put that on my tab.
- JAY: Actually,
I don't think we'll be putting
anything on your tab anymore.
Ooh, great line, Jay.
Anthony doesn't know
it yet, but he'll see.
What is that supposed to mean?
You'll see.
We have something else that we thought
might be of interest to you.
These are the books for the
Randuzzo family businesses,
detailing decades' worth
of money laundering.
Enough to put you away
for a long, long time.
Where'd you get these?
We will be asking the questions.
We don't have any at this time,
but when we do, we'll be asking them.
Not so tough now, are you, big guy?
He can't hear you, Pete.
That's why I feel
comfortable yelling at him.
We can ruin you with these books,
or you can leave us alone, starting now.
And we have photocopies
of everything, FYI,
and if anything happens to us,
the police will be notified.
Well, I don't know
where you got them from,
and I'm not admitting to anything.
But you got a deal.
So you'll leave us alone?
Yeah, we'll get out of your hair.
But, seriously, though,
where did you get the pot?
Because Angie's birthday is coming up,
and all I got her so far
is that art off your wall.
It's from Williams Sonoma,
and I'll send you a link.
Now scram!
All right. Sheesh.
- Nice, yes.
- (LAUGHTER)
Oh, thank God it's over.
Well, I'm glad it all worked out.
And I'm glad your business will survive,
even if my life's work was a joke.
About that.
We actually found something else
while we were in the storage facility.
- What's this?
- Jay?
"Dear Pete, greetings from Morocco.
This was such a great trip.
You were right about
that little tagine place
around the corner from the hotel.
Thank you for going above and beyond."
These are postcards from your many,
many satisfied and real clients.
There are hundreds of them.
SAMANTHA: The travel agency
may have been a front, but
you brought actual
joy to people's lives.
You were a great travel agent.
Thank you, Sam.
Oh, God, we got a nude!
Oh, it's a nude!
Oh, that is tasteful.
Beautiful bearskin rug.
TREVOR: Oh, it's incredible
having my own room.
I can stay up all night watching
reruns of MTV Spring Break.
Man, to die in Daytona,
that's the dream.
I haven't heard a single
Grateful Dead story in days.
(LAUGHING): I am in heaven.
BOTH: Power friends.
What was that?
Nothing.
FLOWER: It's strange.
It's almost like you
guys are up to something.
Oh, no. The wheels are slow and
wobbly, but they are turning.
Just stay very still.
She can't put it
together without our help.
FLOWER: Oh, my God.
I know what happened.
You two orchestrated this
whole roommate reshuffle
so you'd end up with your own rooms.
- That's absurd.
- How would that even work?
FLOWER: Well, what I'm thinking is,
Hetty convinced me to move in with Thor
to initiate a fake fight with Trevor
that led to the threat that
you two would move in together,
thereby filling the house with
your unbearable romantic toxicity,
which you knew Isaac and
Alberta would do anything
to avoid, up to and
including moving in together
to free up a spare room
for Thor and Flower, aka me,
thereby leaving each of
you with your own rooms.
A perfect plan executed seamlessly.
And you almost you got
away with it, except
Wait. What were we talking about?
Woodstock?
Oh, right on. Yeah.
Jefferson Airplane had this dog
that was so shaggy, they
called him "The Bear."
Now keep in mind, this is
completely unrelated to the sound guy
for the Grateful Dead or the
lead singer of Canned Heat
or the beast that mauled me to death.