The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e14 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way
we became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hey, Steve.
Listen, you guys, I
Hi.
Come on, you guys. It isn't my fault.
( Sighs )
Hi.
I'll walk home with you.
( Sighs )
Bobby!
Hi, Cindy.
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Everything's wrong.
What do you mean?
My whole class hates me.
( Car horn honks )
Hi, Dad.
Hi.
You didn't say anything
about getting a boat.
Well, I didn't know I was going to.
Hey, honey, where did you get that?
I delivered my plans
for the marine addition to Joe Houston.
He was about to commit
this thing to the junkyard.
I thought, with a little work,
you know, we can fix it up.
Far out.
It doesn't look very seaworthy.
As a matter of fact
it doesn't even look very bathtub-worthy.
Wow! A boat!
Is it ours?
Well, I'm afraid so, sweetie.
When do we go sailing?
As soon as we're sure
we're not going to go sinking.
GREG: Hey, look what we got, Bobby!
Hey, where you going?
Up to my room.
Gee, that's not like Bobby.
I thought he'd be
more excited than anyone.
I think Bobby has a problem.
A problem? Did something
happen at school today?
It must have.
Why?
Bobby says
his whole class hates him.
I hate you, too.
Mind if we come in?
My goodness, Bobby,
you look like the world
has come to an end.
That would be good.
What? Bad as all that?
Want to talk about it?
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing anybody can do.
Well, let's see.
Come on, you tell us about it.
( Sighs )
So?
Don't you know what it is?
Sure. It's an armband.
School "safety monitor."
Safety monitor?
S.M. Should stand for "snitch monitor."
What's that supposed to mean?
It means I have to fink on all my friends.
That's not finking, Bobby.
If the kids at school break a rule,
it's the safety monitor's
job to report them.
Some job.
When the teacher asked for a volunteer,
not one kid in the class
raised his hand not one kid.
So she made me the safety
the class cop.
Did you ever stop to think
that she might have picked
you because she thought
you were responsible enough
to do a good job?
What do you mean?
Well, take police, for instance.
You know, it isn't part of their job
to like arresting people.
They share a responsibility
to enforce the rules.
And rules are very important, Bobby.
They're made to protect people.
Never thought of it that way.
And you'll be a great
safety monitor, Bobby
if you try.
You think so?
Why, we'd bet on it.
( Whispering ): What are you doing?
Studying the rules.
If I've got to be a safety monitor,
I'm going to be the best one
the school ever had.
Well, it's past your bedtime,
so just a few more minutes, okay?
Okay.
Oh, wow!
What's the matter?
I didn't know chewing gum
was against the rules.
I've been illegal all term.
Hey.
Yeah?
You're chewing gum.
So?
Regulation 16-A says you're not allowed
to chew gum in classrooms or hallways.
This is my post. No gum.
Who's chewing gum?
Hey, wait! You're trying
to swallow the evidence!
I just did. Nyah!
Won't do any good.
( Clucking like a chicken )
I'm not a chicken.
I'm just doing my job.
How do you spell your name?
Last name first.
Well, he's
you know, every time we go someplace,
she always gets carsick.
We have to give her this Dramamine
What's your name?
Why?
You just littered.
I tried to get it in the waste can.
That's what they all say.
Name, please. Last name first.
BOY: Come on, give it to me!
Come on, give it to me!
Okay, you three hold it.
Right there. Hold it.
There is to be no
disorderly conduct in the halls,
especially at my post.
We were only trying
to help him carry his books.
That's your story.
I know, last name first.
Boy, this is what I've
always wanted a boat.
Ha-ha. Me, too.
Give me a boat and a moonlit night,
and I'm all set.
Haven't you forgot something?
What? The girl.
Oh, she's there, little brother.
She's there.
MIKE: Ahoy, there!
Hi. Oh, hi.
Okay, kids, if we're going to go sailing,
we're going to have to learn
a little something about it.
With a boat this size,
there really isn't much to learn, is there?
Oh, yeah? Well, if you want
to do it safely,
there's a lot more than you think.
For instance, who knows
which side is port
and which is starboard?
The left side is port.
Right. Yeah.
I know which side is starboard.
The right one.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I couldn't miss.
Okay, now, when two boats meet,
who has the right of way?
The biggest boat.
No, no, no. The boat that's on the right.
It's the same as the rules of the road.
Yeah, but what if they're
coming straight at each other?
Then we're back to the biggest boat.
What are we doing? Hi, Cindy.
Well, we're learning a little
bit about sailing, sweetheart.
Can I learn, too?
Why, sure.
Where's Bobby?
He's still busy at school.
What's he doing?
He stopped seven kids
from running down the stairs
and he was still trying
to get their names when I left.
Well, he's really serious
about being the long arm of the law.
( Girls laughing )
Hey, wait!
Stop!
You're running in the halls.
It's okay it's my brother. Come on.
Cindy!
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
I know her name. What's yours?
Last name first.
Bobby, you can't turn me in!
I'm your own sister!
Watch it.
I can also cite you for arguing
with a safety monitor.
Neatness counts.
Thanks, Alice.
Here.
What's the cheese for?
For you. All rats eat cheese.
What was that all about?
Oh, she's just sore
'cause I was doing my duty.
I had to turn her name in
'cause she was running in the hall.
Oh. That's why she had
to stay after school?
'Cause you reported her?
Yeah. She was running in the hall.
When you break a rule,
you have to get punished.
Well, I'll keep it down to a slow walk
in the kitchen.
And he wrote down
the names, even mine.
But that's his job, sweetheart.
Yes, but I'm his very own sister.
Well, that doesn't give you
any special privileges.
The same rules apply to you
that apply to everyone else.
I don't see why they should.
Let me see.
I'll try to explain it to you this way.
Let's say that Bobby was a policeman,
and, uh, I drove through a red light
accidentally, of course.
Well, I would expect
him to give me a ticket.
Your own son?!
Absolutely.
Boy, if I ever had
a son who was a policeman
and he gave me a ticket,
I'd give him a spanking.
( Stamping feet )
I guess she was complaining about me.
You guessed right.
I guess you took her side.
You guessed wrong.
You didn't?
Yeah. Well, Cindy didn't like it,
but, well, you were just
doing your duty, honey.
I'm glad you understand, Mom.
Oh, I do. I do.
Listen, being in a position
of authority isn't easy.
Right. Thanks, Mom.
It's kind of tough being a lawman.
It's a big responsibility.
Oh, I know, Officer.
I wonder if he really would
give me a ticket.
( Knocking )
Come in.
Jan, I got to talk to you about something.
Well, can't it wait? I'm awful busy.
I just saw Alice setting the table.
So?
It's your turn to set the table tonight.
What business is that of yours?
Mom and Dad told us
not to go pushing off our chores on Alice.
Well, look, Bobby, I have
You're breaking a rule.
People can't just go around
breaking rules.
Bobby, you're a safety
at school, not at home.
A rule is a rule
at school or at home.
You're going to be on my report.
What report?
I'm turning in a report to Mom and Dad
at the end of the week.
Well, I've got a very good reason
for not setting the table.
And I've got a very good reason
for reporting you.
You broke a rule.
See you later.
( Door opens )
You were supposed to be in by 11:30.
Sorry I woke you up, Bobby.
You're 25 minutes late.
Go back to sleep.
I'm going to have to tell Mom and Dad.
Huh?
You're going to be on my report
at the end of the week.
What report?
You broke a rule. You came in late.
Listen, I have a very good
reason for being late.
That's what they all say.
How could they cram ten feet
of nerve into four feet of kid?
You know, I thought
everybody would love
the way that Jan and I painted the boat.
Boats are supposed to be one color.
You want to scare the fish to death?
Okay, so we goofed.
Listen, you're lucky
you're not on Bobby's report.
Yeah. Do you believe that report?
I have to. I'm on it.
So am I. The little stinker.
What are you on it for?
Well, I'm not supposed to borrow
any of Mom's things unless I ask,
and Bobby saw me borrowing a bracelet.
You know, I think being a school safety
has gone right to his fat little head.
I'd like to give him a good kick
right in his fat little other end.
Two eggs. Check.
Two cups cream. Check.
Beat at high speed for 30 seconds.
BOBBY: Alice. Hmm?
I just went by the trash cans.
You've got some spray bottles and cans
in with the other things. So?
They're supposed to be kept separate.
Sorry, but I'm going to
have to put you on my report.
Report?
( Mike grunts )
( Kids cheering )
The S.S. Brady. Boy, does that look neat!
Mm-hmm. Who's
going to be the captain?
Your father, of course!
Ta-dum!
What am I going to be?
Probably seasick.
Hey, when can we go sailing, Dad?
Well, if we get the sail back
that I ordered today,
we ought to be able to put it
in the water on the weekend.
Good! Oh, good!
That's really great, Dad.
Hey, where are you going
all dressed up?
All us safeties have to go to school
and get our picture taken.
Well, just be careful
and don't get your good
clothes dirty, okay?
Don't worry, I won't. See you later.
Okay, honey. Bye.
Dad, does he have to go with us
when we launch the boat?
Well, now, that's a silly question.
Of course he does.
Well if he's going to go,
I don't really think I want to.
That goes double for me.
Make that triple.
Hey, wait a minute.
Come back here. What is this, huh?
We haven't even launched the boat yet,
and we've got a mutiny?
What's going on here?
( All talking at once )
See you guys later.
GIRL: Oh, Bobby! Bobby!
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Hi, Jill. You've got to help me.
My cat's stuck. Your cat?
Around the corner.
It's stuck in that old house
they're going to tear down.
I can't get in. It's all boarded up.
Well, we can't go in that old house.
There's a sign right out in the front
that says "no trespassing."
Please, you've got
to get Pandora out for me!
( Sighs )
Gee, Jill, I'd like to help,
but it says "keep out."
A rule's a rule.
What if Pandora's hurt?
You've got to help me.
Please, you've got
to get Pandora out for me!
Well I know
I'm not supposed to do this
Here, Pandora.
Come here, Pandora.
( Meowing )
Pandora?
( Meowing continues )
Are you up there?
( Yowling )
( Coughing )
( Meowing )
( Coughs )
( Meows )
Thanks, Bobby.
( Coughing )
Boy Mom and Dad are going to kill me.
Mom?
Dad?
Wow! What luck!
I've still got a whole hour.
♪
( gurgling )
( Gurgling )
What?!
Oh, no!
We went to our sale.
Yeah, here. Let me help, Alice.
Okay.
Well, if there's one thing I hate,
it's a last-day, half-price bargain sale.
Oh, me, too.
All that pushing and
shoving and grabbing.
I hope I didn't hurt anybody.
I have told those kids
not to leave the door open.
What on earth?
CAROL: Oh, my goodness!
Where are all those suds coming from?
Well, the washing machine must be on.
Well, Alice, did
you leave it on automatic?
I wasn't even using it today.
My goodness
Oh, Alice!
The washing machine's gone crazy!
BOBBY: Help! Mom!
Mrs. Brady, the suds are calling you.
Bobby?
BOBBY: Yeah, it's me!
Where oh, Bobby
Here he is. Where are you?
Here he is. Wait.
Oh, what in the world happened?
Are you all right?
I think so.
What were you doing?
Washing my clothes.
You're supposed to take your clothes off
before you wash them.
Bobby oh Oh, honey
Sorry.
Yeah, you should be.
And when there wasn't anybody home,
I figured I could wash my good clothes
and you'd never find out.
( Sighs )
Well, what do you think?
It calls for a punishment, doesn't it?
I broke a rule I have to get punished.
Well, not necessarily, Bobby.
What do you mean?
Well, you did break a rule,
but you saved a little girl's cat,
and that's a good reason
for breaking a rule.
Bob, we always have to have
rules and laws, but we
also have to use them
with reason and justice.
You mean you're not going
to punish me?
Not for this.
Oh, wow! Thanks!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We're not through yet, you know.
What else is there?
I want to talk to you about that report
you're making out for us.
What about it?
Listen, Bobby, other people have reasons
for breaking rules, too, you know.
Do you know why Greg was
late getting home that night?
No.
Well, because his date
forgot her house key.
Her parents weren't home,
and he didn't want her
waiting around the house alone at night.
Gee, I guess that is a good
reason for breaking a rule.
But Greg never told me that.
Well, he says he tried
to, but you wouldn't listen.
And you know the reason
why Jan didn't set the table that night?
No.
Because she had to read a book
for a test the next morning.
MIKE: And one more thing.
Being an authority at school
does not give you that
same authority at home.
You understand?
Yes, sir.
From what we've heard,
you have become
the most unwelcome young man
at Clinton Avenue Elementary School.
Let alone at home.
I guess I was a real stinker, huh?
Yeah, I guess the name
"stinker" fits pretty well.
Maybe I should apologize to them, huh?
I think that would be a very good idea.
Well, I hope you've learned
something from all this.
Boy, I sure have.
First, even if you have authority,
you've got to listen to people;
and second, you've got to use
good justice and reason like you said.
Good. Anything else?
Oh, yeah, the most important thing of all.
What's that?
Never use a whole box of soap
in the washing machine.
You can say that again.
( laughing )
Okay, everybody.
We've got to loosen the mast
and lash the boat to the top of the car.
Then we're going to put her in the water.
Hey, where's Bobby?
I thought he was here. He
Where'd you get those?
JAN: That's tighter than your skin.
Mom told me to wear something
that it wouldn't matter if it got dirty or wet.
Aren't those his good pants?
Those were his good pants.
Listen, Bobby, next time,
before you wash something,
will you check the label
where it says "dry clean only"?
MIKE: Come on, everybody.
We've got to take the mast down first.
Everybody get in position.
Right. Loosen the line there and
Ready? One, two, three, heave.
( Pants ripping )
Uh-oh.
Excuse me. Uh
I'll be back in just a minute.
What's the matter with Bobby?
I think he got a split amidships.
( laughter )
Yeah, and I'll bet he's got a draft aft.