Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s04e17 Episode Script

Last time, on Hercules.
Hercules! - Hercules? - Why would I wanna kill a pig? Because this pig is Hercules.
Hi there.
Nice day for a ride, don't you think? - I'm Katherine.
Are you talking to me? If we had Hermes' sandals, we could cover this entire province in no time.
I'll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way,capisce? We're in a slaughterhouse, and the man who brought us here is a butcher.
Okay, think, Herc.
Stop this crazy thing! Whoa! You idiot! This isn't Hercules! What? That pig's a girl! Whoa! Way to go, Flavio.
What's the matter, Discord? Chicken? - You are on my list! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it's not too late to go back.
Will you come with me? It would be my pleasure to take you home.
See, if I could, I'd tell you that everything is gonna be okay.
You know, that your family's not gonna be upset that you ran away and that, well, they're gonna be glad that you came home.
That's all well and good as far as it goes, but there was more to my running away than I told you.
Katherine, I- I can still understand you.
Well, it'd be sad if you forgot everything you learned as a pig.
Yeah, but you just let me go on and on, ever since we left my mother's house without so much as an oink.
Why didn't you tell me we could still talk to each other? I wasn't sure you'd want to, since you're human again.
Humans are sort of above the rest of us.
That's what most of 'em seem to believe anyway - that they're superior.
I've been both.
I, uh- I know better.
Enough, okay? Fix this! Lean on Artemis! Get her to change me back! Not to hurry, Discord.
The possibilities here are interesting.
Not a chance! Pull it on some other pullet.
Just give me back my body! All in good time.
You were close to greatness.
Turning Hercules into a porker, it was, well, genius.
But you blew it.
You just had to be the porkee.
You've got a one-track mind.
What do you want from me, beside the obvious? What can a chicken do to Hercules? My mind isn't on my brother right now.
It's on that piddling mortal who did this to you- lolaus.
I'm offended he thought he could get away with it.
You're offended? How do you think I feel? My giblets are in a stew! Your giblets got you into this in the first place.
Perhaps this will teach you to keep your tail feathers together.
What? Oh.
You are really twisted, you know that? I think I'll leave you the way you are for now, give you time to think about how you screwed up the perfect opportunity.
Don't push it.
Next time, it won't be an egg.
Ha! What kind of gratitude was that? Let me tell you something.
Hermes without his little sandals is a nobody.
You think he'd be glad to get 'em back.
Considering we stole them in the first place, I can understand his attitude.
Well, I still think it's a bad idea.
Eventually, I would've gotten the hang of flying those little puppies, and it would've been very handy.
Oh, yeah.
Handy for quick getaways, leaving no trace.
No, no.
You misunderstood me.
I meant handy in a good way.
You mean like you could steal everything and anything? That's your idea of a good way.
I prefer to think of it as honing my craft.
Oh, please! - Ares.
- Oh, I got a bad feeling.
Oh, it's gonna be so much more than a bad feeling.
Does this look familiar? Let me at 'em! Ah, well, the- The beak looks familiar, but- You know, to tell you the truth, all chickens pretty much look the same to me.
So what do you think? Original recipe or spartacue sauce? Impudent toad! Before this day is out, you'll be groveling for mercy.
Get ready for the worst day of your miserable lives! Doesn't he know I'm the King of Thieves? I'll shuck these toys like a bad habit.
Those chains were forged by Hephaestus.
No lock to pick.
No way to get out.
You two are stuck with each other.
By the end of the day, you will despise each other.
That'll be an improvement.
Yeah, okay.
She doesn't think the chains are enough and, you know, I think I agree.
I'll be back.
Got a big surprise in store for you, lolaus.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Oh, I don't know why Ares included me in his little game.
You're the one that turned Discord into a chicken! Yeah, but only so she wouldn't turn you into a rat, which, now that I think about it, you already are.
Will you watch where I'm going! Oh, look! My arrangement! You rearranged my arrangement! Oh, what if I did? There's plenty of small leaves around.
We gotta find some clothes.
Okay.
Say we did.
How would we get 'em on with these? Hercules! He's the one that can break us free before Ares comes back with his big surprise, whatever that is.
Okay, and where do you suppose we find Hercules? He could be anywhere! What is this, Katherine! Hercules has gone to take her home.
We'll go there first.
Well, let's get going.
I'm flapping in the breeze here.
Okay! Yeah, okay! I've been thinking about something, Hercules.
Would you help me become human? But you don't like humans.
Why would you wanna be one? Some of them are pretty nice.
Humans can do as they please.
Pigs can't.
Look, everyone lives with some limitations.
But you're smart and brave and generous.
I've seen that.
That's well and good as far as it goes, but I'm still a pig.
The King of Thieves in a sack.
My image is ruined.
Listen, you, why don't you just pick up the pace? Because the sooner we get there, the sooner Hercules can free us and the sooner I'll be rid of you.
You know, two can play the yank game.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! Do you like hospital food? You wanna wake up with a crowd around ya? - You and whose army? - You're lookin' at him.
Yeah? Yeah.
You'll never- I told ya- Get up! It ain't gonna happen! It just keeps gettin' better and better.
Listen, I told you.
I'm a hunter.
I've got an excellent sense of direction, and the village is this way.
Yeah, well, I'm a thief, and I robbed that town, and I'm telling you it's back that way.
You couldn't find your way out of a sock! dddd Hey, let's ask the little girl.
Oh, this is just too good.
Little girl- You said it, Baby.
Wait till they try and explain themselves.
No one will understand a word they're trying to say.
Hi, honey, it's okay- What is her problem? I don't know.
Kids these days.
What is it? What's wrong? It was a monster! It looked like it was coming apart.
It tried to get me.
Come, dear.
Let's get it! Believe me, you don't even wanna be half-human.
If the Fates had cast your destiny to be a human, you would've been born that way.
You're meant to be a pig.
I mean, that's who you are.
I know you're right, but if I have a chance to change that destiny and want to, shouldn't I take it? - And shouldn't you help me? - Look, Katherine, I wish I- Hello, Aphrodite.
Who's that? Uh, don't ask.
Don't tell.
I'd expect this sort of thing from Ares, but for you, Herc, it's a little kinky.
Oh, you wish.
I'm here as a favor to Artemis.
Oh! Yeah.
I figured someone would be along.
She's very grateful to you, Hercola.
And she wants to know if there's anything she can do in return, - or that I can do for her.
- No, just tell her thanks.
I was glad to help.
Hercules, once the bow is gone, so is my hope.
It's my one wish in life.
Please? I'm not up on my pig latin, but this sounds serious.
It'll break my heart if I stay a pig.
- She wants to be human.
- Honey, you can wait until you're old and cold for a man to get a clue.
But broken hearts are my department.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Aphrodite, what- D-Don't! - Yeah! - There you go, Hamlet.
If you're gonna be one, you might as well look your best.
- Thanks, sis.
- You're welcome, bro.
Toodles.
Yippee! Great.
Yippee! Thank you, Hercules! Thank you! This is the happiest day of my life! You're welcome.
But I never thought clothes would be so uncomfortable.
Well, they're kind of necessary.
I don't see why.
Not on a beautiful, sunny day like today.
Look at that! What? Oh, uh, Katherine, I don't think- No.
No, no, it- Ahh! Katherine, you really shouldn't be- Mama, look at the funny lady.
- Whee! Uh, Katherine, please.
There's- There's people.
Oh, boy! Oh, yeah.
Take it off! Take it all off! Katherine, really, this isn't a good idea.
There's people here, and it's just- Katherine, see, humans don't do this.
Come with me! Whee! She, uh, says it's good for her complexion.
This is my favorite thing in the world.
All right, Mr.
I-know-where-we-are, where are we? We're lost.
That's where we are.
We're headed north! I know where we are.
Yeah, so do I.
We're in a swamp being eaten by bugs.
Shush! Ah! Look.
A crowd of people came through here.
Not long ago.
See? The guy in the front was shorter than all the others.
That's good, right? Yeah.
Well, then let's find them.
Surely they know the way to civilization.
Wait.
Shh.
Listen.
We're lost again, ain't we? There's no monster here! Yes, there is.
You heard the girl.
And this is the place he'd be.
Nothing gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling like a mob of armed villagers.
Let's get out of here.
Probably no monster anyway.
Come on.
Wow.
Are we glad to see you.
Yeah.
Somebody lose a cow or something? You idiots! They can't understand a word you're saying! I don't think they can understand a word we're saying.
You got it, Mud-boy.
- It's the monster! - Where? Get him! - Don't let it escape! - Burn it alive! No! Skin it alive! Maybe over there.
Where'd he go? Who are those guys? Beats me.
Do I look as bad as you? Yeah.
You know, the one drawback of life on the run is missing regular meals.
I am starved.
Wait.
Don't eat those.
It's a goosenberry.
They're supposed to be fermented.
A common mistake to the untrained eye.
See, this, my friend, is a farkenberry.
It's a cousin to the goosenberry, but with one important difference.
See, your farken doesn't put you to sleep like your goosen.
If this was a goosenberry, I'd be sound asleep by now.
Hmm.
Wait a sec.
Farkenberries.
Oh, great.
Oh, boy.
I could do with some real boots.
You want boots? How about big boots? And the feet to go with 'em.
What the- Ares! Whoa! Hey, don't do that.
Hey, you got quite a set of waffle-stompers there.
Oh.
You like 'em? Hey, you got 'em.
Come on.
Zap 'em again.
What's happening? What's happening to us? I don't know! This is so much fun.
Is that it? Is that all you've got? Oh, no.
Not at all.
dddd [ Harp This is beautiful.
Everyone's so pretty.
Well, so are you.
Um, I'll return your shirt as soon as I find a dress I like as much.
Looks better on you than it does on me.
It's always an honor to have you here, Hercules.
We'll give you our best table.
Thank you, Wolfgang.
It's okay.
Right there.
Sit.
I'm so hungry, I could eat an entire bucket of slop.
What's this for? Oh, uh, that goes on your lap.
Like this.
Yeah.
Here you are.
After this, I'd like to take a look around by myself, feel what it's like to be one of you.
That's a good idea.
I'll be around if you need me.
This is so exciting.
Oh! Katherine? This is delicious.
Mmm! That is disgusting.
Eats like an animal, like a pig! Hercules, I'm sorry, but this won't do.
Oh, um- Of course it will! It's very good soup.
It's a little salty for my taste, but it's very good.
Thank you.
Thank you, I- I suppose.
Mmm! Mmm! Oh, boy.
That was close.
Well, the good news is it can't get any worse.
Gotcha! It's an abomination.
The only good monster is a dead monster.
This is not good.
Uh, fellas, can we talk? Let's kill it before it destroys our minds! Hold on here! - Huh? I am P.
T.
Barnabus, founder of the Greatest Show in Greece.
And I can use this freak of nature in my circus.
Follow me, one and all.
A new freak for the new freak show.
Who you callin' a freak, you geek? Actually, I hate to say this, but to him, we're the geeks.
Oh, be careful! Not too close! Stories of the big-footed, two-headed forest monster has frightened our children for generations.
Yes.
That's why it belongs in a freak show.
Hideous! Anybody got a chicken? Let's see if it bites the head off.
Quick.
We better act crazy.
I'd rather go home with Uncle Carny here than end up a human pincushion.
Okay.
Marvelous! Spectacular! I'll pay top dinar.
We gotta get out of here.
What do you suggest? Run! Are we talking cash on the barrelhead? They're gaining! All right! Hello.
This is another fine mess you got us into.
I got two words for you: Discord, Artemis's bow.
That's three words.
Well, whatever.
You know, I can pick that puny lock in my sleep, but I actually think we're safer in here.
Say, underneath these sacks, we're naked.
Where you been hiding the pick? - Don't ask.
- Okay.
Freaks.
Outcasts.
Dregs of society.
Well, that's life under the big top.
I was talking about us.
Don't antagonize 'em.
For once in your life, keep your trap shut, if that's possible.
What, and miss out on all your insults and witty repartee? With pleasure! Oh, go boil your head.
Hey! No sleeping on the job! You give me that stick! I'll ram it down your fat neck! Yeah, you bloodsucking son of a Xiphopagus.
See this ferocious man-eater in a fight to the death with Hippochimora, the muscle man.
Come to the show! Come to the circus! Come to the circus? Come over here, and I'll do a high-wire act on that pasty face of yours! You call that keeping your cool? Next thing, they're gonna wanna throw us to the lions.
Stop it! This is all your fault! Now go to your corner and get out of my hair! Okay, I will! That's amazing.
It's mating with itself.
Mmm! Goosenberries.
Come one, come all! Two nights only! Come to the circus! Kids get in for a half a dinar.
A circus? Sounds like fun.
More fun than a human sacrifice.
Bloodier too! Be there.
Sadie! Do I know you? It's me- Katherine! Katherine! I didn't recognize you.
I'm a woman now.
I'm my own master.
Good for you.
I'm proud of you.
You look a little thirsty.
Here, let me give you a hand.
I've got two now.
Thanks.
That hits the spot.
You know how you used to dream about breaking out of these traces and riding off into the sunset? Well, that's what I've done, and it's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you.
Still, the farm hasn't been the same without you.
You really lit the place up.
We did have fun, didn't we? I just felt like it was time to move on.
Meet new friends.
And I have.
He's wonderful.
But, Katherine, your family, they miss you terribly.
Your parents have been worried sick about you.
I've been thinking about them too.
I never meant to hurt them.
Hey, Herc! Hey, how are you? How's the weather down there? See ya.
Okay, ready.
dd Nana-nana na na Nana-nana na na dd dd Nana nana dddd Don't make faces at the monster, honey.
But for the grace of the gods, it could be you in that cage.
Now run along.
Ha ha! lolaus? Autolycus? Oh! Oh! Boy, am I glad to see you! I wish I could say the same, but you guys are makin' me kind of queasy.
- What are you doing in there? - Six shows a night, that's what.
Yeah.
Hey, now that the big guy's here, this gig is over.
Yeah, I'm with you, buddy.
Come on.
Here we go.
- Let's get out of here.
Come on.
- Will you quit pushing me? I'm trying to get down the stairs.
You're steppin' on my feet! Come on.
What are you doing? Hey, those are big feet.
Well, you know what they say about big feet, don't you? - Big boots? - Will you guys quit it? Chains of Hephaestus.
Ares.
Discord.
Chicken.
Chicken.
Yeah.
'Nough said? Uh, yeah, I get the picture.
Here.
Let me help.
Hold still.
One minute.
Wha- Oh! It's better over here.
Very funny.
Come on.
Get us out of these.
Um, sorry.
Come on.
Yeah.
Ready? Thanks, Herc.
What's the matter? You lose your shirt? Oh, uh, it's my new look.
I'll catch up with you later.
I've gotta go see a goddess about a pig.
Well, I wish I could say it's been fun, but it hasn't.
Yeah.
Good riddance.
You say anything about this, and I'll deny everything.
No problem.
Okay, whoever you are, you think you can sneak up on the King of Thieves, you have got another think- Sweet Mother of Zeus.
Callipus! Callipus! Don't go.
I won't hurt you.
It's me- Katherine.
They don't know you.
We grew up together.
But you're different now.
It won't be so easy fitting in.
Believe me, I, uh- I know.
I'm not ever gonna fit in this world with you, am I? Hercules, will you please take me home, where I belong? It's a mon- It's a mon- M- M-Monster! C- C-Coming for us! Okay, wait.
You mean a real monster did this to you? What kind of monster? It's a- It's b-b-big! Big? Ares said there'd be a big surprise waiting for us.
Okay, come on.
Spit it out.
Okay.
Okay, it's big.
Now, uh- Sounds like? Hey, wait, wait! This is getting us nowhere.
Okay, where was this monster? Okay, let's go.
Ah-ah-ah! Wrong direction.
See, if Ares is behind this, there's no escaping it.
Might as well suck it up and face it.
Come on.
Come on.
Whatever it is, it belongs in my circus.
This is exciting! It's all right.
It's okay.
Calm down.
It's okay.
And they callus weirdos.
Is this the spot? Baba! Wait a minute.
What kind of monster could've made these tracks? They look kind of familiar.
A chi-chi- A chi-chi-chi- Hey! Act it out again.
That's funny.
This feels big.
Look! It's the monster! Th-Th-That's it! It's gigantic! It's colossal.
It's a chicken.
It's- It's Discord.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To kill us all! Run! Oh, where's Hercules? He's snoozin' when he should be bruisin'.
As soon as Hercules is around, he'll be here.
She's pretty hard to miss.
Meantime, we're on our own.
What do you mean, we, sidekick? You're the one that turned her into a chicken.
She's lookin' at you like you're a drumstick.
Knock it off! I'll try and distract her.
You come up with a plan.
Yeah, easy for you.
Hey! Hey, chicken! Come on! Come on! Come on! Don't waste time.
Get in the tent.
Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Hey, what're you doing? We gotta get everybody in the tent to safety.
Come on! Are you crazy? This tent won't stop that bird.
I gotta get outta here.
lolaus, I hope you know what you're doing.
All right, everybody listen up.
Step away from the sides of the tent.
Remain calm.
Everything is under control.
Oww! You? What happened to our distraction? Yeah, I know how you feel.
Come on.
We gotta get these people out of this tent.
All right, everyone, out you go.
Nice and easy.
Single file now.
No pushing.
There is no reason to worry.
Hey, hey, hey.
Not a good place to be.
Go.
There's a big- Gotta go.
Safety, safety.
Come on.
Everybody.
- lolaus, let's get out of here.
- Okay.
So much for your plan beta.
Don't look at me.
I'm usually causing trouble.
Chi-chi-chi- Go! Go, go! Everybody run! Run! Get out of here! Come on! - Time for a new plan.
- What do you got? I got a good one.
What? Run like Tartarus.
My baby! My baby! There! Uh, I'll get the baby.
You come up with plan gamma.
I got you, buddy.
Here's your baby, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
I'll collect later.
Plan gamma.
Plan gamma.
Plan- Come on, let's go.
No, wait.
- What are you doing? - Plan gamma.
- Goosenberries? - Yeah.
Oh! Okay, genius, how do we get her to take her medicine? I'll distract her.
You do the rest.
Hey, you, ya big chicken! Come on! Come on! Is that all ya got? Give it to me.
Come on.
I can take anything you got to give.
What do you got under those feathers? For once, you're thinkin'.
Okay, say the word.
Come on! Give me that! Come on! Now! Say good night, Big Bird.
Yeah! Come on, goosenberries, do your stuff.
You know, I haven't laughed so hard since the entire Mycenaean army drank rancid water and got the runs.
Let's go, my little chickadee.
lolaus, wait till Hercules hears that we took on a monster all by ourselves.
Yeah.
You gonna tell him it was a chicken? That'll be our secret.
- You know, lolaus? - Yeah? You're not half bad.
If I ever need a partner, you might just be the lucky one.
Thanks, Autolycus.
I appreciate that, but, uh, I've already got a pa- I love being human, Hercules.
It's just not me.
I guess you were right all along.
Now who know who you really are.
I also know I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you too.
We're ready, Aphrodite.
I had a feeling this would come in handy, although why anyone would wanna trade in a beautiful bod like that is beyond me.
I just love the way that works.
They know me now, Hercules.
I'm home.
One of these days, we're gonna have a long talk, and I wanna hear all about it.
Good-bye, Katherine.
It's so great to see you guys.
I missed you so much.
You won't believe what happened to me.
I met the greatest human.