The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e17 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Hi, honey. I didn't hear you come in.
Well, I never disturb a genius at work.
So I guess I'm not bothering you, huh?
Thank you. ( Laughs )
Hey, how's the speech coming?
I didn't realize it was going
to be this much research.
What's it going to be about?
( Sighs ) The use of ancient architecture
in modern buildings.
Ah, that ought to turn them on.
( Chuckles )
( Phone rings )
Hello?
Yes, this is Mrs. Brady.
Oh, hello, Mr. Hillary.
My husband happens to be at
home right now, as a matter of fact.
Yes, we can both come over.
Yes. Okay, Mr. Hillary.
Yes, we'll see you
in a little while. Thank you.
Bye.
Bad news.
He didn't say
but when the principal calls,
is it ever good news?
Salt, pepper, uh
cookies.
Cookies! Ha-ha! Cookies.
Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies.
Alice, Mr. Brady and I
have to go see the principal.
And we won't be gone
long. Okay, Mr. Brady.
Principal?
( Door shuts ) Which principal?!
Elementary school?
Junior high? Senior high?
I wonder which kid has done what
to who and where.
"'My Hero, ' by Robert Brady.
"My hero is a very famous man,
"just like Robin Hood
and the Three Musketeers.
"He was a great American
"and his name is
Jesse James."
Jesse James?
The outlaw?
It disturbs me
when impressionable children like Bobby
read books and see movies that
glorify men like Jesse James,
turn them into folk heroes.
Jesse James was a cruel
and vicious killer.
I'm really surprised at Bobby.
PRINCIPAL: Well, don't be, Mrs. Brady.
Look what's happening today.
The press write stories
about gangsters and skyjackers.
They make them seem very glamorous
in the eyes of the children.
Right. Today's criminals will probably
be tomorrow's folk heroes.
Well, we'll certainly discuss this
with Bobby, Mr. Hillary.
Good. Oh, Bobby's teacher
might never have brought
this composition to my attention
if it hadn't been for this.
( Sighs )
He knows better than
to bring a cap gun to school.
Well, at recess,
he was playing Jesse James,
pretending to hold up the other kids.
Well, it wasn't the first time, so I thought
this was an area where the,
uh, parents and the school
ought to get together.
We really appreciate it, Mr. Hillary.
MIKE: Well, we'll certainly
have a talk with him.
Though I'm sure he doesn't intend
to make a profession
out of being an outlaw.
( Both giggling )
One wrong move from anybody
on this train,
and you get it!
Please don't shoot me, Mr. James.
Just give me your money, lady.
There, that's all I have.
Thank you, ma'am.
Okay, now
everybody stay in your
seats till I jump off.
Whoa! Easy, boy.
Stay.
Whoa.
Ha!
You're supposed to be on the train.
No, I'm not. Now I'm the posse
hunting you down.
You'll never get me.
Nobody gets Jesse James.
Ha!
Come on, boy!
BOBBY: Ha! Ha!
Jesse James, you're under arrest.
No way. You can't arrest me here.
Why not?
I just crossed the Rio Grande River.
This is Mexico.
Well, vamoose, you caballeros,
because all of Mexico's
gonna get mopped up.
But I have to arrest him first.
Forget it, Deputy.
Even a U.S. marshal can't arrest you
once you get into Mexico.
Is that true, Alice?
As Axel presidente of Mexico,
I give you permission
to take this hombre prisoner.
You can't. You have
to have extradition papers.
MIKE: I've got some.
And I am extraditing you
into my den right now.
Move it, Jesse.
What's the matter?
I got a C-plus.
That's not too bad.
Bob, it isn't the grade.
What we're interested in is
how you happened to write it.
I had to. It was an assignment.
Bobby, what we mean is,
why did you choose Jesse James
for your hero?
Well I guess 'cause he's famous.
Bobby, he was famous
because he robbed and killed
a whole lot of innocent people.
Bobby, did you know
that almost everything
Jesse James did was against the law?
My pal Jimmy wrote about Robin Hood.
Robin Hood was against the law.
Nobody got mad at Jimmy.
Aw, honey, we're not getting mad at you.
We're just interested in knowing
why you chose to write
about Jesse James, that's all.
Listen, right now he may seem
like a a very colorful
Western character to you,
but in actual fact, he was just a criminal.
Now, that may be easier
for you to understand
when you get a little older.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I'll probably just grow out of it.
I'd give that about five more
minutes, Mrs. Brady.
Good, Alice. Girls, don't
forget the salad forks.
Okay, Mom. We won't.
Ladies, could I have your attention
for a minute? Sure.
Well, I've almost finished
my speech for the convention.
Great. But I-I-I wanted
to kind of start out with a joke,
'cause I want to do something
to get their attention.
So, could I try it out on you? Yeah!
Oh, sure. Love to hear it.
Um, so I come in, and I say
Mr. Chairman
ladies and gentlemen
fellow architects
honored guests
before I launch into my subject
for this evening
I would like to make a very
important announcement
about our progress in city planning.
I hear that we have just
torn down a freeway
to make room for a slum.
( Chuckles )
That's the joke!
( laughs )
Well to architects,
i-it might be funny, huh?
Oh, sure, honey
it's just that none of us are architects.
MIKE: And keep us ever
mindful of Thy bountiful blessings.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
( Cap pistol fires )
MIKE: Bobby.
I didn't mean to pull the trigger.
We have told you before,
no toys at the table,
and especially cap guns.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I won't play with it again.
Yeah, well, just to make sure.
You and that dumb Jesse James.
What about Jesse James?
Uh, Bobby wrote an English
composition about him.
He's his hero.
I had to write about a hero once.
Mine got an A.
Who'd you write it on?
Joan of Arc.
She saw visions, and she won battles.
And later she was made a saint.
She was a great woman.
That's okay for you.
You've got a lot better chance
of being a woman than I have.
Personally, I like George Washington.
Now, there's a hero.
Fat chance I got of being
Father of My Country.
Bobby, there are lots of great heroes
who are around right now.
Take Wilt Chamberlain, for instance.
Yeah, now, there's a great guy
for you to follow.
Yeah, some chance I've got
of being seven foot two.
And black.
( All laugh ) Bobby.
Just eat your pizza.
Mr. Chairman, fellow architects,
honored guests
Dad, Mom, could I ask a favor?
What?
Well, could I stay up just a
little bit after my bedtime tonight?
What for?
You see, there's this really neat movie
on television, and I've never seen it.
Is it okay?
What's the picture?
Well it's called
You see
What's it called?
Jesse James on the Vengeance Trail.
Jesse James?!
Bobby, what have we
been talking about?
We have had enough
Jesse James around here,
and that's it.
But, Dad
Bobby, you heard your father that's it.
Oh, okay.
Close the door.
Honey, Jesse James must've killed
45 people in that picture.
That was before the credits.
Imagine Bobby watching
a picture like that.
Yeah, imagine.
Thanks for letting me watch the show.
Well, this is one movie
about Jesse James
we thought it'd be a
good idea for you to see.
I think this is the scene
where he robs the bank.
Yeah. He shoots all
the customers in the back.
( Horses neighing )
Wow! Jesse didn't even use a gun.
They skipped the whole incident.
They edited it out.
( Horse neighing )
They skipped another scene
where they killed everybody.
( Scoffs )
Mike, I forgot what happens here.
Well, I'm not sure I remember,
but I think this is where
he shoots the prospector in the back,
then he rides off with
the daughter as a hostage.
Yeah.
Boy, isn't Jesse nice
to give that girl a ride?
( Sighs )
The network took out all the violence
just when we were trying
to prove a point.
Jesse James will be even
more of a hero to him now.
You know, maybe Bobby had
the answer to this himself.
What do you mean?
Well, when he said he'd
probably grow out of it.
Yeah, maybe you've got a point.
Let's just wait and see what happens.
Wow! Look at Jesse ride!
Carol?
Carol?
Ca oh. I'm right here, honey.
I'm sorry. Honey, look, it's my speech.
I put it right here last night.
Now it's not here. Well, don't
get too upset. We'll find it.
It's got to be here someplace.
I've been all over this house.
I'm around here for the second time.
Mom, Dad, I've come here
to discuss a very delicate matter.
What? My allowance you forgot.
I did? Yeah.
Listen, I will give you an extra dollar
if you find the speech I
lost it's on paper just like this.
Hey, great. No, no, no, we'll look here.
You go look around the house.
Yeah, go pass the word along
to the rest of the kids.
Do I have to? Yes!
Okay.
What?
My allowance.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
Looking for something.
Can I look, too?
Sure.
Can I ask you something?
What?
What am I looking for?
Dad's speech there's a
reward out for whoever finds it.
One dollar. Wow.
All right
all you women to the rear of the bank.
Bobby, would you leave us alone?
Just get lost.
Nobody tells Jesse James to get lost.
Well, we're telling you. Get lost.
All right.
I'll just rob me a different bank.
Dad could have stuck his speech
in his pocket and forgot it.
For a dollar, it's worth a look.
It's not in this one.
Not in that one, either.
Okay, stick 'em up, both of you.
Now that you've got the bank
vault open, just empty it out.
Will you beat it?
You're talking to Jesse James, partner.
Knock it off.
Into the bank vault, both you varmints.
I got a better idea
you get in the bank vault, Jesse.
No! No!
Greg, stop! Let me out!
Leave him in there for two hours, huh?
Yeah. Boys
BOBBY: Let me out!
Boys, what's going on? In here!
The great Jesse James
just got captured. Let me out!
Okay, joke's over. Come on, split.
BOBBY ( knocking ): Let me out!
Let me out! Let me
Now, I want this to stop.
Am I coming through loud and clear?
But, Dad, they No buts!
No more Jesse James, Bob.
Now, that's an order!
Yes, sir.
Mr. Chairman, fellow
architects and Mike Brady.
Yes?
It gives me great pleasure
to tell you that I found your speech.
Oh! Great, honey!
Where'd you find it?
It was in a very strange place.
Where?
Your briefcase.
My brie
I put it in my briefcase
when I was doing research
at the library the other day.
Oh, how dumb.
Aw, sweetheart, you are a lifesaver.
Mmm.
Is that all I get?
What'd you expect?
A dollar.
I'd like to check these books in, please.
Certainly. I hope they were helpful.
Yes, they were.
I finished my research. Good.
We're just delighted
when our library can be useful.
Yeah. Uh, I was interested
in finding some books on Jesse James.
Jesse James?
Yes, but I didn't want, uh, novels.
I'd rather have factual accounts
of his life.
Mm-hmm. As a matter of fact,
we have several good books
on his life right over there.
Honey, can't we put the light
out in the old bunkhouse?
The cattle drive starts
early in the morning.
Mm-hmm.
( Sighs )
Honey, this cowhand
needs a little shut-eye.
You know, this is a very interesting book.
It was written by a fellow
whose father was killed by Jesse James,
and it's got a whole bunch
of eyewitness accounts
of the killings in here.
Hm, maybe Bobby ought to read it.
Yeah. I got a better idea.
You know, on the flyleaf,
in the biography of the author,
it says when this book
was written, at any rate,
he lived in Sundale.
That's not far from here, is it?
Right.
( Doorbell rings )
Mr. Collins.
Yes, sir, that's me.
How do you do? I'm Mike Brady.
Come in. Thanks for coming.
Oh, I'm glad to know
someone read my book.
I thought I was the only
one who bought a copy.
No, it was a very interesting book.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
You know, I think you're gonna be able
to help us with our son, Bob.
I've been thinking over what
you told me on the phone.
Hmm. I feel sure I can
straighten out that boy of yours.
Good. Oh, honey, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Collins.
Mr. Collins, this is Mrs. Brady.
Pleasure to meet you.
Aw, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Collins.
If you'll excuse me, I'll get Bob.
Please sit down.
Would you like some coffee?
Coffee, no.
I still like mine cooked over an open fire
and boiled till it's miserable.
( laughs )
Mr. Collins, this is our son Bob.
Bob, this is Mr. Collins.
Hi. Oh, hello. Hello, son.
I think you're gonna find
this gentleman very interesting.
Did you know his father
actually knew Jesse James?
He did?
Wow, am I glad to meet you!
I hear Jesse's a hero of yours.
I wrote a whole composition
about him for school.
I wrote a whole book
about Jesse James
only he wasn't a hero to me.
He wasn't?
Nope.
Jesse James killed my father.
He did?
Shot him in the back.
That's how he usually shot them.
Too cowardly to face them, I guess.
I can't believe that, Mr. Collins.
He's telling you the truth, Bobby.
Son, you know the legends;
I know the facts.
Mr. Collins, why don't you tell Bob
about how it was with your father?
Well, I was just a little boy at the time.
My father was riding a train to California.
Jesse James held it up.
Did they have a shoot-out?
Well, it wasn't much of a shoot-out.
My father with his face to the wall,
his hands in the air
and not wearing a gun.
Then why did Jesse James shoot him?
Because that's the kind of man
Jesse James was
a mean, dirty killer.
My mother used to cry
about it in her sleep.
When I was old enough to understand,
I used to have nightmares
about it myself
awful nightmares
about that train robbery.
COLLINS: Because that's the
kind of a man Jesse James was
( echoing ): A mean, dirty
killer a mean, dirty killer
a mean, dirty killer.
( Train whistle blowing )
Isn't it great to be going to California?
Yeah!
I hear California's really beautiful.
It sounds wonderful.
Yeah, how long before we get there?
MIKE: Oh, not long, son.
With these new trains, it only takes
18 days to get to California.
And that's all the way from Arizona!
( Train whistle blowing )
Hands up!
Don't anybody move.
It's the world-famous Jesse James.
( Screaming )
BOBBY: Jesse James!
I never thought I'd get to meet you!
I said hands up!
Now, everybody throw your purses
and wallets in the aisle.
Be calm, everybody. ( Yells )
Do as he says, and nobody gets shot.
BOBBY: Aw, Dad, he
wouldn't shoot anybody.
Jesse James is a real great guy.
He's my hero.
I even wrote a composition about you
and how you were such a great hero.
Sorry it only got a C-plus.
All right, now, everybody,
face the window your backs to me.
What do you want them
to do that for, Jesse?
Why, so I can shoot 'em, of course.
( Girls screaming )
But but this is my family.
That's my dad!
Bang!
No! You shot my dad!
( Screaming ) Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Stop! That's my family!
You can't do that!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
No, please, stop, Jesse! Bang! Bang!
Jesse, stop! No! Bang! Bang!
( laughing ) Bang! Bang!
Jesse, no!
Don't shoot! Please, stop!
Jesse, no, no!
Bobby? Bobby, what's the matter?
You must have been having
a bad dream.
It was awful.
Tell us about it.
( Sighs )
It was the worst dream
in the whole world.
Well, I think I'm as ready
as I'll ever be with this speech.
( Knock at door )
Come in.
I'm turning in my guns.
I don't ever want to see
another gun again.
Good man.
I'm glad to hear it.
You were right about Jesse James.
He was a real bad guy.
That talk with Mr. Collins
really got through to you, huh?
Did it ever.
Well, you just have to be careful
who you pick for a hero, hmm?
Yeah.
Next time, whoever he is,
he's gonna be a real good guy.
( Chuckles )
Good luck on the speech, honey.
I just know it'll be a big hit.
Oh, I hope so. I just wish I had
a good joke to start it off with.
Hey, listen, I remember
a joke that might fit.
Honey, it's got to be about architects.
Yeah, it is. It's about this architect
who designed a building
that had no doors in it at all.
No doors? How do you get in?
Well, you just keep running around it
and running around it until you're all in.
Get it?
Good-bye, honey.
Hey, wait a minute,
you forgot to kiss me.
That's right.
Bye, honey. Good-bye.
Good luck.