Ghosts (2021) s04e21 Episode Script
Kyle
1
Ah, poutine. Gravy and
cheese curds on fries?
It sounds nuts, but you
can't argue with the smell.
[LAUGHS] I know you can't hear me,
but I'm gonna pretend
you laughed affably.
Trente quatre !
Trente quatre !
Uh, oh, is that 34?
Yes. Smoked meat.
Ooh, I was hoping someone
would get the smoked meat.
Let me get right in there. [SNIFFS]
Okay, could you not?
You can see me?
Yes, I can see ghosts.
Now, have a good day.
Oh, sure, I'm just
going to let that drop.
Are you kidding me? We're
going to talk about this.
Not if I leave the property.
Oh, I've got news for you, Smokey.
'Cause of your smoked
meat? Hold on. C-come back.
♪
So, we just sit here
and wait for that branch to fall?
There've been some close calls
over the last decade.
I think we're one fat squirrel away
from that thing coming down.
That's cool.
I saw the Parthenon last week.
NANCY: Oh, hey,
look at you two lovebirds.
You guys do it yet?
Excuse me?
Sorry, it's just,
we're betting on this in the basement.
In fact, I've got a parlay
going where if you guys boink
and that branch falls before next week,
I get 10,000 back rubs, so, you know,
think horny.
We'll keep that in mind. Thank you.
I'm so sorry about her.
Well, her dialogue could
use a little polish,
but maybe she's got a point.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
I'm saying,
maybe tonight's the night.
Oh.
And just to be clear,
- you're not talking about the branch.
- Oh, Sass.
You don't get to be
a 500-year-old virgin
by picking up on clues, okay?
I need things spelled out.
JAY: I just don't get it,
why aren't people coming
back to the restaurant?
Well, there was a lot of bad publicity
because of what happened.
That's crazy. I mean,
by lightning strike rules,
there's no restaurant
on Earth less likely
to have a stripper crash
through the roof now.
It's very rude to mention lightning.
Too soon, small man.
Hey, guys. Uh, Sam,
I was just outside, and
there seems to be a Living
about to come in, so
I don't know, maybe he's a customer.
I don't know anything about him.
- [SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER]
- Hi, I'm Kyle.
Hi, Kyle, welcome to Woodstone.
Kyle is dumb name.
Well, it matches his dumb back-purse.
- Yeah, well, at least I'm alive.
- [GASPING]
Sorry, I
Pete wanted me to do this thing
where I pretend like I can't see ghosts,
but I can see ghosts.
[LAUGHING]: He can see ghosts.
- Wait, what?
- Seriously?
Booyah! I totally got you guys.
You should see the look on your faces.
This is incredible.
Oh, it's another freak.
THORFINN: Like Sam,
but man. Man Sam!
ISAAC: I actually like your back-purse.
I was just piling on.
There's a lot of pressure
for me to maintain my reputation as
[CLEARS THROAT] "the funny one."
I thought I was funny one.
PETE: Oh, raise your hand
if you've been paid to
do improv at a Sheraton.
Oh, wait, that's just me.
And when I woke up from my coma,
I could see ghosts. How about you?
I was on a roller coaster
and a giant bird hit me in the face.
Oh, my God, you got Fabio'd?
What is Fabio?
- Well
- He's this model
who was on the cover of a bunch
of romance novels, and he famously
got hit in the face with a goose.
SAMANTHA: It is so nice
to have somebody else
who can answer ghost questions.
I know, it's so cool to meet somebody
who actually knows
what I'm going through.
I saw the ghosts once.
- That's cool, man.
- But then I didn't anymore.
It was just for an afternoon.
And then I became a zombie.
Oh, Jay. He so desperately
wants to be a part of this.
So, Peter, where does this
scrumptious fellow live?
- Oh, you can just talk directly to me.
- What?
- Ghost thing.
- Ghost thing.
- Ah.
- Ah.
[LAUGHS] Man Sam and
Sam Sam say same thing.
But to answer your question, Hetty,
I kind of just bounce around.
It's really hard to hold on to a
job when I have to keep pretending
like I can't see ghosts.
Which is what he was doing
during our famous meet cute.
Our smoked meat cute.
[PETE CHUCKLES]
When we met, I was smelling his meat.
Oh.
He says a lot of stuff like that.
Hmm. What's happening?
And he says a lot of stuff like that.
[LAUGHTER]
What is it? Why are you guys laughing?
See?
- Oh, Jay.
- [LAUGHTER]
THORFINN: So,
Joan say tonight is the night.
Yep, and she wasn't talking
about the branch. I clarified.
Oh, it's so on.
Are you so excited, Sass?
I mean, yeah. I'm a little nervous.
Why, just 'cause you oldest
virgin in human history?
TREVOR: Or is it because she's a roamer
and has likely had her choice
of history's greatest lovers?
You guys are not helping.
Look, Sass, you have
nothing to worry about.
Joan's crazy about you.
And you're going to
be, what, one of four
or five people there?
You don't have to do everything.
Just follow their lead.
What? No, it's just
going to be Joan and me.
Yikes.
You better bring it, man.
[SIGHS]
Oh.
Alberta.
Hi. Just got back from the old trip.
- Nice hat.
- Don't make it weird, Pete.
Are you referring to how you tried
to kiss him and he facepalmed you?
Yes, Hetty.
Which must be especially
painful given that
not long ago, you were the
one doing the facepalming,
and Peter was the sad recipient.
I don't think Alberta has anything
to be embarrassed about, okay?
I'm just dating someone now.
But I think you are a
swell gal and a neat friend
- who any guy would be lucky to
- [ALBERTA GROANS]
Please, God. Take me up,
take me down, just get
me the hell out of here.
So, I just met that Kyle guy.
Pretty crazy that he
can see ghosts, too.
Yeah.
And you're cool with him being around?
Yeah, I mean What do you mean?
Well, you know, hot guy
You think he's hot?
- Jay, don't be dumb.
- You cannot deny
that those are stableboy cheekbones.
Yeah, he's attractive.
But more importantly,
he and your wife have this connection,
- that seems pretty rare.
- So
Look, I don't think Sam
would ever cheat on you,
but none of my boyfriends
ever thought I would cheat
on them. And yet, I did.
This story ain't helping.
Look, Bela, I trust Sam.
Yes, they have a unique connection,
and his hair's cool,
but, you know what,
truth is, I'm just happy
that she has someone else to talk to
who has this ability.
See, my guy Jay is a sweetie.
JAY: I think it's good for her,
and I don't want to come off
like some jealous husband.
Besides, he's only here for one night.
And then Kyle and I are off to Chicago
where he has promised to
let me inhale his kielbasa.
He facepalmed you.
BELA: That's a really
healthy attitude, Jay.
Hey, you guys.
You remember how our last assistant
got scared and ran away
because he thought we had ghosts?
ALBERTA: I remember how he was correct
and you gaslit him to hell.
Well, you know who wouldn't
have had that problem?
Kyle!
So I've hired him as our new assistant.
JAY: Oh.
Neat.
SAMANTHA: I mean, it's great. Not only
will he be helpful with
things around the hotel,
but he can also help out
with, like, ghost stuff.
We are a handful.
- Yeah, I'm really excited.
- Uh, thank you.
HETTY: So you can make him do anything?
Ask him to rub down a horse.
Again, I can hear and see you.
Well, then it's all
out on the table, Kyle.
So go grab a brush and get horsing.
And that is our reservation system.
Seems pretty straightforward.
What makes it really easy,
is they almost never have guests.
Anyway, next, let's talk about
your ghost-related duties.
Right. Uh, they've been
filling me in a little.
Turning on the TV,
opening the shouting window
so that Thor can yell at his son.
Also, going to the supermarket
to buy magazines with Momoa content.
ISAAC: That's the stuff Samantha's
been doing in her spare time,
but now that we have
a dedicated servant,
we have other demands.
The special projects.
You're not getting a puppy.
But Kyle will take care of it!
He works for us!
HETTY: We also have an idea
for an aroma we would
like for you to maintain.
Oh, yes, right.
What do you mean,
maintain? Like a candle?
A perpetually "just out of
the microwave" Hot Pocket.
Some are calling it "The Eterna-pocket."
But how would it constantly be
just out of the microwave?
Because, Kyle, every five minutes,
you shall prepare a fresh one.
We, the people, demand pepperoni.
Or, if it's sold out,
broccoli chicken cheddar.
- Good luck, Kyle.
- [SCOFFS]
You must be the new
Living who can see ghosts.
Yeah. Hi. Kyle.
I'm Nancy. I died of cholera.
Oh, but the open sores,
those aren't usually a symptom.
I've come across a few
cholera ghosts before.
Oh, sweet of you to notice, Kyle.
Oh, is that a basement ghost?
You talking to a basement ghost?
[LAUGHS] I know about them.
Yeah, Nancy walked in.
NANCY: What we think
happened was that there was
a concurrent outbreak of
a flesh-eating bacteria.
See, the pest house
was sort of a mélange of disease.
It does have colorful anecdotes.
Have you ever noticed how the ghosts
- are, like, obsessed with their deaths?
- Oh, my God,
I know, right? Constantly working it in.
It's like, "How was your morning?
Let me tell you about the Spanish flu."
[LAUGHS]
Wasn't that funny.
And ghosts are always asking
you to look up their relatives.
Uh, yeah.
I'm just here to see a movie,
I don't wanna go to Toledo
to find out if your
nephew became a doctor.
It's so good to have somebody else
to talk about this stuff with.
Yeah, it is.
[JAY LAUGHS]
The-the ghost boundary,
that's weird, huh?
Yeah, like, some ghosts'
deaths predate the house,
but they all have the same boundary.
HETTY: You know what's
weird about the boundary?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What? What is it?
No, it's just Hetty.
It's hard to explain.
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Totally! Peanut butter!
[GHOSTS LAUGHING]
SAMANTHA: Peanut butter!
SASAPPIS: I can't do this.
I'm gonna tell Joan that tonight's off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, buddy.
You guys totally freaked me out.
I mean, I have no idea what I'm doing.
FLOWER: No one knows what
they're doing the first time.
First times are awkward. We'll help you.
Talk to us. What's your plan with Joan?
Well, I figured we'd go to my room
[IMITATES BUZZER] No
offense, but your room
is half-virgin, half-Pete.
The vibes are friendship at best.
I'm going to let you use
my room, aka "The Boneyard."
No one calls it that.
They will if you do your job.
See, now, this is
what I'm nervous about.
Like, how do you even, like,
start the whole process?
As oldest and most experienced ghost,
Thor will share move
that has never failed.
Women like it when hunk take control.
He's not wrong about that.
In heat of moment,
pick Joan up and throw her on bed.
Yeah?
THORFINN: Trust Thor.
I will demonstrate with Flower.
Oh!
- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]
But just so you know,
once this fuse gets lit,
there will be an explosion.
You guys are welcome to stay.
Yeah, we prefer.
Okay, on that note, I'm gonna go,
but thank you, this has
actually been really helpful.
Eh, I've got nothing else to do.
JAY: I mean, I get it.
If I met another D&D player
who was a Level 9 Chain Warlock,
we'd have a lot to talk about.
How this nerd has any wife
to worry about is beyond me.
But it's the talking
and the laughing and the inside jokes.
I mean, it's excessive, right?
Especially given how hot he is.
What? I'm agreeing with you.
This is all Pete's fault.
He's not wrong.
How am I supposed to
not introduce two Livings
who share this rare
gift? I connect people.
That's why I was social
chair at the Kiwanis Club.
Kiwanis. Are those the guys
with the hats and the little cars?
No, that's those frickin' Shriners.
You know what? I can't.
JAY: I don't like this one bit.
And now the guy's working here?
Yeah, this is not good.
I mean, look at his abs.
You looked him up online?
And turned off "safe search,"
whatever that means.
Yeah, I mean, I just
wanted to get a full picture
of what we're dealing with.
Wait, is that a mug shot?
TREVOR: This is interesting.
It says here Kyle was convicted
of breaking and entering.
He robbed a house.
He spent six months in prison.
That doesn't sound like someone
Sam would want working here.
Exactly.
Oh, these two are cooking something up.
You're saying I tell Sam
about Kyle's criminal past.
And she sends him packing.
No! Do not deny us our butler.
Not when the dream of
the perpetual Hot Pocket
is finally within reach.
All right, let's do it.
Let's get rid of Kyle.
Yes, and then Sam will have
no choice but to just settle for the old
"can't see ghosts" Jay.
I'm back in, baby.
So, here we are.
Indeed.
Here we are.
Look, Sass, if this is all
moving too fast for you,
we can just have Sam, or Man Sam,
put on a movie for us to watch.
No, no, no, no, no. I
I really want to do this.
You're sure?
I'll show you sure.
Joan, get over here.
This is a different side of you.
Oh, my! [LAUGHS]
Take me, Sass.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Oh, boy.
Hey, Kyle. How's it going?
Great, just got back from the market.
We basically cleaned
them out of Hot Pockets.
Oh, you know, I was thinking,
maybe sometime I could scoop the filling
out of one of these things,
and put in some baked cod,
and then you got
yourself a "cod pocket."
Don't tease Thor
unless you plan on follow through.
Oh, good, everyone's here.
Well, you two, and I'm
guessing some invisible people.
Just so you know, I fought for you.
- What?
- Is everything okay, Jay?
Actually, it's not.
It turns out, your
little friend Kyle here
is hiding a deep, dark secret.
He's a convicted felon.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about him
doing six months in prison
for breaking into some
poor family's home.
I brought a criminal into the house.
I'm sorry. But also, it's kind of on you
to do background
checks. I'm just a ghost.
Kyle, is this true?
I didn't want it to come out like this.
There was this ghost, Marian,
who intended, on her deathbed,
to give her daughter a locket.
But a winter storm delayed
her daughter's arrival,
and so Marian died
without being able to pass
on that family heirloom.
Years passed,
a new family moved into the house,
and ghost Marian begged
me to get the locket,
which was hidden in the house,
and track down her daughter.
So I tried to talk my way
into the house at first,
but to no avail,
and so, one night, I, uh, I broke in.
And I got the locket
to Marian's daughter,
but I got caught on
the neighbor's Ring cam.
So, yeah, I did some time.
But it was it was worth it
to-to give an old ghost some closure.
Aha! So he admits it.
This is not a good color on you, Jay.
I wanted to come here because
I thought that it would be neat
to meet somebody else
who has the same curse.
- Curse?
- With those cheekbones,
- I'll allow it.
- KYLE: But I can see now
that me being here has
caused some sort of trouble,
so I, uh, I think I should probably go.
[JAY SIGHS]
What was that about, Jay?
Huh?
What's going on?
Are you jealous of Kyle or something?
No, but I do think it's a little weird
that he took this entry-level
job at the drop of a hat.
He is very jealous.
His being here was
going to be good for us.
You know all the ghost stuff
I spend so much time doing?
He was taking that off my plate.
And putting cod pocket on Thor plate.
Yeah, we were connecting,
but it wasn't him
trying to steal me away,
it was somebody else who was dealing
with the same thing
that I'm dealing with,
which is pretty rare.
PETE: Yeah, we only know
of Sam, Kyle, maybe Fabio.
Whatever. You don't understand.
Ah, Joan, how'd it go with Sass?
Well, he threw me out
the side of the house.
Oh, is that an old-timey expression?
No, it is not.
Hey, Kyle, sorry about
all that in the kitchen.
No, I
I should have disclosed
that I have a record.
It's just, it's an
awkward thing to bring up.
Of course. Geez.
What was prison like with this ability?
Not great, Sam. There's
not a lot of people
dying peacefully in
their sleep in prisons.
Also, the Livings were kind of scary,
and the salad bar had limited options.
[CHUCKLES] Well,
it was nice to finally meet
someone else who can see ghosts.
It was.
You know, I, uh, I spend so much time
trying to hide who I am.
It's just such a relief
to finally meet somebody
that I can be myself around.
I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh. Oh.
- Oh, God.
Sorry. I'm sorry, I think I
must have misread something.
Kyle, what the hell?
I-I thought we were connecting.
Yeah, we were connecting,
about seeing ghosts.
Yeah, no, I know. I'm
sorry. I just, uh
You don't know what it's like out there,
trying to meet people with
this weird thing, you know?
I-I try to hide it and
they think I'm insane.
Or I tell them, and
they think I'm insane.
Or they're-they're not Jewish.
Look, you'll find someone.
I don't know that that's true.
There's not a lot of people out there
that are willing to put up with this.
I was with someone when I
when I first got this power.
Somebody I thought was really special,
but she just couldn't handle it.
That sounds hard.
[SIGHS]
So, do you just want to Venmo
me for the four hours of work?
Uh, you know what, no. It's fine.
- Goodbye, Kyle.
- Yeah.
There you are, slugger.
Joan, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, come on.
I'm head over heels for you.
Literally. I landed face down
on a family of woodchucks.
See, Thor said I should
take control and
I feel like such a fool.
Your problem is you're
trying to be somebody else.
Some cool guy I've never met.
That's not the guy I'm crazy about.
So, you're saying I
should just be myself?
Yes.
I should trust my own instincts?
Except for the one that's telling you
to keep talking right now.
Right, I keep making
that mistake. I've got to
remember there's a time for talking
Shut up, you damn fool.
- PETE: Hey, guys.
- Oh!
Not sure when the
perfect time to announce
that I was sleeping on the floor was,
but now seems better than later.
You know, for a roamer,
you sure are around a lot.
That's probably true.
Um, but I did catch the tail
end of what you were saying,
and I have to agree with Joan.
Sass, you are a wonderful
- Pete, get the hell out of here.
- Absolutely.
Jay, listen
Wait, let me go first.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have gotten jealous.
I trust you.
And Kyle seems like a really great guy.
He made a pass at me.
I knew it! I was right!
Oh, I am so angry, but also vindicated,
so I'm a little happy about that.
How far did you let it go?
Blink twice for "all the way."
I facepalmed him immediately.
Okay, why is that
everyone's move suddenly?
You start it.
Oh, right. That's true.
Alberta Haynes, trendsetter.
JAY: Let's just put this all
behind us and pretend it never happened.
No, Jay. Listen, I don't want to do that
because this whole thing
has just reminded me
how lucky I am to have you.
I know it's not easy
to be married to somebody
who has my abilities,
and you're patient and understanding,
and I don't tell you that enough.
Small man about to be
thrown out side of house,
if you know what Thor mean.
I love you, Jay.
I know.
That was Han Solo, Empire.
Is Pete in the room?
- No.
- Oh, well then,
I love you, too.
JAY: Sass and Joan are still up there?
Something's wrong. It's been too long.
Calm down, Jay, this
isn't helping anyone.
That's it, I'm going in there.
Flower, no!
They might need help.
This isn't something two people
should do by themselves.
Wait, there he is.
♪
Well?
Oh, yeah.
[ALL CHEERING]
Yeah!
♪
Ah, poutine. Gravy and
cheese curds on fries?
It sounds nuts, but you
can't argue with the smell.
[LAUGHS] I know you can't hear me,
but I'm gonna pretend
you laughed affably.
Trente quatre !
Trente quatre !
Uh, oh, is that 34?
Yes. Smoked meat.
Ooh, I was hoping someone
would get the smoked meat.
Let me get right in there. [SNIFFS]
Okay, could you not?
You can see me?
Yes, I can see ghosts.
Now, have a good day.
Oh, sure, I'm just
going to let that drop.
Are you kidding me? We're
going to talk about this.
Not if I leave the property.
Oh, I've got news for you, Smokey.
'Cause of your smoked
meat? Hold on. C-come back.
♪
So, we just sit here
and wait for that branch to fall?
There've been some close calls
over the last decade.
I think we're one fat squirrel away
from that thing coming down.
That's cool.
I saw the Parthenon last week.
NANCY: Oh, hey,
look at you two lovebirds.
You guys do it yet?
Excuse me?
Sorry, it's just,
we're betting on this in the basement.
In fact, I've got a parlay
going where if you guys boink
and that branch falls before next week,
I get 10,000 back rubs, so, you know,
think horny.
We'll keep that in mind. Thank you.
I'm so sorry about her.
Well, her dialogue could
use a little polish,
but maybe she's got a point.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
I'm saying,
maybe tonight's the night.
Oh.
And just to be clear,
- you're not talking about the branch.
- Oh, Sass.
You don't get to be
a 500-year-old virgin
by picking up on clues, okay?
I need things spelled out.
JAY: I just don't get it,
why aren't people coming
back to the restaurant?
Well, there was a lot of bad publicity
because of what happened.
That's crazy. I mean,
by lightning strike rules,
there's no restaurant
on Earth less likely
to have a stripper crash
through the roof now.
It's very rude to mention lightning.
Too soon, small man.
Hey, guys. Uh, Sam,
I was just outside, and
there seems to be a Living
about to come in, so
I don't know, maybe he's a customer.
I don't know anything about him.
- [SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER]
- Hi, I'm Kyle.
Hi, Kyle, welcome to Woodstone.
Kyle is dumb name.
Well, it matches his dumb back-purse.
- Yeah, well, at least I'm alive.
- [GASPING]
Sorry, I
Pete wanted me to do this thing
where I pretend like I can't see ghosts,
but I can see ghosts.
[LAUGHING]: He can see ghosts.
- Wait, what?
- Seriously?
Booyah! I totally got you guys.
You should see the look on your faces.
This is incredible.
Oh, it's another freak.
THORFINN: Like Sam,
but man. Man Sam!
ISAAC: I actually like your back-purse.
I was just piling on.
There's a lot of pressure
for me to maintain my reputation as
[CLEARS THROAT] "the funny one."
I thought I was funny one.
PETE: Oh, raise your hand
if you've been paid to
do improv at a Sheraton.
Oh, wait, that's just me.
And when I woke up from my coma,
I could see ghosts. How about you?
I was on a roller coaster
and a giant bird hit me in the face.
Oh, my God, you got Fabio'd?
What is Fabio?
- Well
- He's this model
who was on the cover of a bunch
of romance novels, and he famously
got hit in the face with a goose.
SAMANTHA: It is so nice
to have somebody else
who can answer ghost questions.
I know, it's so cool to meet somebody
who actually knows
what I'm going through.
I saw the ghosts once.
- That's cool, man.
- But then I didn't anymore.
It was just for an afternoon.
And then I became a zombie.
Oh, Jay. He so desperately
wants to be a part of this.
So, Peter, where does this
scrumptious fellow live?
- Oh, you can just talk directly to me.
- What?
- Ghost thing.
- Ghost thing.
- Ah.
- Ah.
[LAUGHS] Man Sam and
Sam Sam say same thing.
But to answer your question, Hetty,
I kind of just bounce around.
It's really hard to hold on to a
job when I have to keep pretending
like I can't see ghosts.
Which is what he was doing
during our famous meet cute.
Our smoked meat cute.
[PETE CHUCKLES]
When we met, I was smelling his meat.
Oh.
He says a lot of stuff like that.
Hmm. What's happening?
And he says a lot of stuff like that.
[LAUGHTER]
What is it? Why are you guys laughing?
See?
- Oh, Jay.
- [LAUGHTER]
THORFINN: So,
Joan say tonight is the night.
Yep, and she wasn't talking
about the branch. I clarified.
Oh, it's so on.
Are you so excited, Sass?
I mean, yeah. I'm a little nervous.
Why, just 'cause you oldest
virgin in human history?
TREVOR: Or is it because she's a roamer
and has likely had her choice
of history's greatest lovers?
You guys are not helping.
Look, Sass, you have
nothing to worry about.
Joan's crazy about you.
And you're going to
be, what, one of four
or five people there?
You don't have to do everything.
Just follow their lead.
What? No, it's just
going to be Joan and me.
Yikes.
You better bring it, man.
[SIGHS]
Oh.
Alberta.
Hi. Just got back from the old trip.
- Nice hat.
- Don't make it weird, Pete.
Are you referring to how you tried
to kiss him and he facepalmed you?
Yes, Hetty.
Which must be especially
painful given that
not long ago, you were the
one doing the facepalming,
and Peter was the sad recipient.
I don't think Alberta has anything
to be embarrassed about, okay?
I'm just dating someone now.
But I think you are a
swell gal and a neat friend
- who any guy would be lucky to
- [ALBERTA GROANS]
Please, God. Take me up,
take me down, just get
me the hell out of here.
So, I just met that Kyle guy.
Pretty crazy that he
can see ghosts, too.
Yeah.
And you're cool with him being around?
Yeah, I mean What do you mean?
Well, you know, hot guy
You think he's hot?
- Jay, don't be dumb.
- You cannot deny
that those are stableboy cheekbones.
Yeah, he's attractive.
But more importantly,
he and your wife have this connection,
- that seems pretty rare.
- So
Look, I don't think Sam
would ever cheat on you,
but none of my boyfriends
ever thought I would cheat
on them. And yet, I did.
This story ain't helping.
Look, Bela, I trust Sam.
Yes, they have a unique connection,
and his hair's cool,
but, you know what,
truth is, I'm just happy
that she has someone else to talk to
who has this ability.
See, my guy Jay is a sweetie.
JAY: I think it's good for her,
and I don't want to come off
like some jealous husband.
Besides, he's only here for one night.
And then Kyle and I are off to Chicago
where he has promised to
let me inhale his kielbasa.
He facepalmed you.
BELA: That's a really
healthy attitude, Jay.
Hey, you guys.
You remember how our last assistant
got scared and ran away
because he thought we had ghosts?
ALBERTA: I remember how he was correct
and you gaslit him to hell.
Well, you know who wouldn't
have had that problem?
Kyle!
So I've hired him as our new assistant.
JAY: Oh.
Neat.
SAMANTHA: I mean, it's great. Not only
will he be helpful with
things around the hotel,
but he can also help out
with, like, ghost stuff.
We are a handful.
- Yeah, I'm really excited.
- Uh, thank you.
HETTY: So you can make him do anything?
Ask him to rub down a horse.
Again, I can hear and see you.
Well, then it's all
out on the table, Kyle.
So go grab a brush and get horsing.
And that is our reservation system.
Seems pretty straightforward.
What makes it really easy,
is they almost never have guests.
Anyway, next, let's talk about
your ghost-related duties.
Right. Uh, they've been
filling me in a little.
Turning on the TV,
opening the shouting window
so that Thor can yell at his son.
Also, going to the supermarket
to buy magazines with Momoa content.
ISAAC: That's the stuff Samantha's
been doing in her spare time,
but now that we have
a dedicated servant,
we have other demands.
The special projects.
You're not getting a puppy.
But Kyle will take care of it!
He works for us!
HETTY: We also have an idea
for an aroma we would
like for you to maintain.
Oh, yes, right.
What do you mean,
maintain? Like a candle?
A perpetually "just out of
the microwave" Hot Pocket.
Some are calling it "The Eterna-pocket."
But how would it constantly be
just out of the microwave?
Because, Kyle, every five minutes,
you shall prepare a fresh one.
We, the people, demand pepperoni.
Or, if it's sold out,
broccoli chicken cheddar.
- Good luck, Kyle.
- [SCOFFS]
You must be the new
Living who can see ghosts.
Yeah. Hi. Kyle.
I'm Nancy. I died of cholera.
Oh, but the open sores,
those aren't usually a symptom.
I've come across a few
cholera ghosts before.
Oh, sweet of you to notice, Kyle.
Oh, is that a basement ghost?
You talking to a basement ghost?
[LAUGHS] I know about them.
Yeah, Nancy walked in.
NANCY: What we think
happened was that there was
a concurrent outbreak of
a flesh-eating bacteria.
See, the pest house
was sort of a mélange of disease.
It does have colorful anecdotes.
Have you ever noticed how the ghosts
- are, like, obsessed with their deaths?
- Oh, my God,
I know, right? Constantly working it in.
It's like, "How was your morning?
Let me tell you about the Spanish flu."
[LAUGHS]
Wasn't that funny.
And ghosts are always asking
you to look up their relatives.
Uh, yeah.
I'm just here to see a movie,
I don't wanna go to Toledo
to find out if your
nephew became a doctor.
It's so good to have somebody else
to talk about this stuff with.
Yeah, it is.
[JAY LAUGHS]
The-the ghost boundary,
that's weird, huh?
Yeah, like, some ghosts'
deaths predate the house,
but they all have the same boundary.
HETTY: You know what's
weird about the boundary?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What? What is it?
No, it's just Hetty.
It's hard to explain.
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Totally! Peanut butter!
[GHOSTS LAUGHING]
SAMANTHA: Peanut butter!
SASAPPIS: I can't do this.
I'm gonna tell Joan that tonight's off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, buddy.
You guys totally freaked me out.
I mean, I have no idea what I'm doing.
FLOWER: No one knows what
they're doing the first time.
First times are awkward. We'll help you.
Talk to us. What's your plan with Joan?
Well, I figured we'd go to my room
[IMITATES BUZZER] No
offense, but your room
is half-virgin, half-Pete.
The vibes are friendship at best.
I'm going to let you use
my room, aka "The Boneyard."
No one calls it that.
They will if you do your job.
See, now, this is
what I'm nervous about.
Like, how do you even, like,
start the whole process?
As oldest and most experienced ghost,
Thor will share move
that has never failed.
Women like it when hunk take control.
He's not wrong about that.
In heat of moment,
pick Joan up and throw her on bed.
Yeah?
THORFINN: Trust Thor.
I will demonstrate with Flower.
Oh!
- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]
But just so you know,
once this fuse gets lit,
there will be an explosion.
You guys are welcome to stay.
Yeah, we prefer.
Okay, on that note, I'm gonna go,
but thank you, this has
actually been really helpful.
Eh, I've got nothing else to do.
JAY: I mean, I get it.
If I met another D&D player
who was a Level 9 Chain Warlock,
we'd have a lot to talk about.
How this nerd has any wife
to worry about is beyond me.
But it's the talking
and the laughing and the inside jokes.
I mean, it's excessive, right?
Especially given how hot he is.
What? I'm agreeing with you.
This is all Pete's fault.
He's not wrong.
How am I supposed to
not introduce two Livings
who share this rare
gift? I connect people.
That's why I was social
chair at the Kiwanis Club.
Kiwanis. Are those the guys
with the hats and the little cars?
No, that's those frickin' Shriners.
You know what? I can't.
JAY: I don't like this one bit.
And now the guy's working here?
Yeah, this is not good.
I mean, look at his abs.
You looked him up online?
And turned off "safe search,"
whatever that means.
Yeah, I mean, I just
wanted to get a full picture
of what we're dealing with.
Wait, is that a mug shot?
TREVOR: This is interesting.
It says here Kyle was convicted
of breaking and entering.
He robbed a house.
He spent six months in prison.
That doesn't sound like someone
Sam would want working here.
Exactly.
Oh, these two are cooking something up.
You're saying I tell Sam
about Kyle's criminal past.
And she sends him packing.
No! Do not deny us our butler.
Not when the dream of
the perpetual Hot Pocket
is finally within reach.
All right, let's do it.
Let's get rid of Kyle.
Yes, and then Sam will have
no choice but to just settle for the old
"can't see ghosts" Jay.
I'm back in, baby.
So, here we are.
Indeed.
Here we are.
Look, Sass, if this is all
moving too fast for you,
we can just have Sam, or Man Sam,
put on a movie for us to watch.
No, no, no, no, no. I
I really want to do this.
You're sure?
I'll show you sure.
Joan, get over here.
This is a different side of you.
Oh, my! [LAUGHS]
Take me, Sass.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Oh, boy.
Hey, Kyle. How's it going?
Great, just got back from the market.
We basically cleaned
them out of Hot Pockets.
Oh, you know, I was thinking,
maybe sometime I could scoop the filling
out of one of these things,
and put in some baked cod,
and then you got
yourself a "cod pocket."
Don't tease Thor
unless you plan on follow through.
Oh, good, everyone's here.
Well, you two, and I'm
guessing some invisible people.
Just so you know, I fought for you.
- What?
- Is everything okay, Jay?
Actually, it's not.
It turns out, your
little friend Kyle here
is hiding a deep, dark secret.
He's a convicted felon.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about him
doing six months in prison
for breaking into some
poor family's home.
I brought a criminal into the house.
I'm sorry. But also, it's kind of on you
to do background
checks. I'm just a ghost.
Kyle, is this true?
I didn't want it to come out like this.
There was this ghost, Marian,
who intended, on her deathbed,
to give her daughter a locket.
But a winter storm delayed
her daughter's arrival,
and so Marian died
without being able to pass
on that family heirloom.
Years passed,
a new family moved into the house,
and ghost Marian begged
me to get the locket,
which was hidden in the house,
and track down her daughter.
So I tried to talk my way
into the house at first,
but to no avail,
and so, one night, I, uh, I broke in.
And I got the locket
to Marian's daughter,
but I got caught on
the neighbor's Ring cam.
So, yeah, I did some time.
But it was it was worth it
to-to give an old ghost some closure.
Aha! So he admits it.
This is not a good color on you, Jay.
I wanted to come here because
I thought that it would be neat
to meet somebody else
who has the same curse.
- Curse?
- With those cheekbones,
- I'll allow it.
- KYLE: But I can see now
that me being here has
caused some sort of trouble,
so I, uh, I think I should probably go.
[JAY SIGHS]
What was that about, Jay?
Huh?
What's going on?
Are you jealous of Kyle or something?
No, but I do think it's a little weird
that he took this entry-level
job at the drop of a hat.
He is very jealous.
His being here was
going to be good for us.
You know all the ghost stuff
I spend so much time doing?
He was taking that off my plate.
And putting cod pocket on Thor plate.
Yeah, we were connecting,
but it wasn't him
trying to steal me away,
it was somebody else who was dealing
with the same thing
that I'm dealing with,
which is pretty rare.
PETE: Yeah, we only know
of Sam, Kyle, maybe Fabio.
Whatever. You don't understand.
Ah, Joan, how'd it go with Sass?
Well, he threw me out
the side of the house.
Oh, is that an old-timey expression?
No, it is not.
Hey, Kyle, sorry about
all that in the kitchen.
No, I
I should have disclosed
that I have a record.
It's just, it's an
awkward thing to bring up.
Of course. Geez.
What was prison like with this ability?
Not great, Sam. There's
not a lot of people
dying peacefully in
their sleep in prisons.
Also, the Livings were kind of scary,
and the salad bar had limited options.
[CHUCKLES] Well,
it was nice to finally meet
someone else who can see ghosts.
It was.
You know, I, uh, I spend so much time
trying to hide who I am.
It's just such a relief
to finally meet somebody
that I can be myself around.
I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh. Oh.
- Oh, God.
Sorry. I'm sorry, I think I
must have misread something.
Kyle, what the hell?
I-I thought we were connecting.
Yeah, we were connecting,
about seeing ghosts.
Yeah, no, I know. I'm
sorry. I just, uh
You don't know what it's like out there,
trying to meet people with
this weird thing, you know?
I-I try to hide it and
they think I'm insane.
Or I tell them, and
they think I'm insane.
Or they're-they're not Jewish.
Look, you'll find someone.
I don't know that that's true.
There's not a lot of people out there
that are willing to put up with this.
I was with someone when I
when I first got this power.
Somebody I thought was really special,
but she just couldn't handle it.
That sounds hard.
[SIGHS]
So, do you just want to Venmo
me for the four hours of work?
Uh, you know what, no. It's fine.
- Goodbye, Kyle.
- Yeah.
There you are, slugger.
Joan, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, come on.
I'm head over heels for you.
Literally. I landed face down
on a family of woodchucks.
See, Thor said I should
take control and
I feel like such a fool.
Your problem is you're
trying to be somebody else.
Some cool guy I've never met.
That's not the guy I'm crazy about.
So, you're saying I
should just be myself?
Yes.
I should trust my own instincts?
Except for the one that's telling you
to keep talking right now.
Right, I keep making
that mistake. I've got to
remember there's a time for talking
Shut up, you damn fool.
- PETE: Hey, guys.
- Oh!
Not sure when the
perfect time to announce
that I was sleeping on the floor was,
but now seems better than later.
You know, for a roamer,
you sure are around a lot.
That's probably true.
Um, but I did catch the tail
end of what you were saying,
and I have to agree with Joan.
Sass, you are a wonderful
- Pete, get the hell out of here.
- Absolutely.
Jay, listen
Wait, let me go first.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have gotten jealous.
I trust you.
And Kyle seems like a really great guy.
He made a pass at me.
I knew it! I was right!
Oh, I am so angry, but also vindicated,
so I'm a little happy about that.
How far did you let it go?
Blink twice for "all the way."
I facepalmed him immediately.
Okay, why is that
everyone's move suddenly?
You start it.
Oh, right. That's true.
Alberta Haynes, trendsetter.
JAY: Let's just put this all
behind us and pretend it never happened.
No, Jay. Listen, I don't want to do that
because this whole thing
has just reminded me
how lucky I am to have you.
I know it's not easy
to be married to somebody
who has my abilities,
and you're patient and understanding,
and I don't tell you that enough.
Small man about to be
thrown out side of house,
if you know what Thor mean.
I love you, Jay.
I know.
That was Han Solo, Empire.
Is Pete in the room?
- No.
- Oh, well then,
I love you, too.
JAY: Sass and Joan are still up there?
Something's wrong. It's been too long.
Calm down, Jay, this
isn't helping anyone.
That's it, I'm going in there.
Flower, no!
They might need help.
This isn't something two people
should do by themselves.
Wait, there he is.
♪
Well?
Oh, yeah.
[ALL CHEERING]
Yeah!
♪