The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e21 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Uh-uh-uh, messing up the
house today is a no-no.
Surprise visitor coming.
Who?
Your mother's
grandmother from Kentucky.
Great-Grandma Hutchins? Oh, terrific.
Yeah, your mom and dad
went to the airport
to pick her up.
Oh, I can't wait!
It's been years since we've seen her.
Wait till you meet her.
You'll love Great-Grandma Hutchins.
I'm sure I will. She must
be an old lady by now.
Old? Somehow I never
think of her as old.
Me either she's got so much go-go-go.
Well, if you haven't seen her for years,
don't be surprised if some of
her go-go-go is gone-gone-gone.
GRANDMA: What kind
of a welcome is this?
Where's the brass band?
Great-Grandma Hutchins!
Oh, Grandma!
Oh, you precious kiddies
just look beautiful.
And that's without my specs.
Oh, come on, Grandma,
for gosh sakes
don't spoil them.
Alice, I'd like you to meet
the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky,
the one and only Connie Hutchins.
Put her there, Alice.
I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins.
I've heard a lot about you.
Lies, all lies,
unless, of course, it was something nice.
Grandma, wouldn't you
like to freshen up a bit
after your trip?
Well, that's mighty kind of you.
Well, I'm sorry
we can't have dinner
with you tonight, Grandma.
Oh, yes,
we really are.
But like I said, you caught us by surprise
and we've had that dinner
date with my boss for a week.
Now, don't you worry about that, honey.
It'll just give me more time
to get to know these
precious children better.
ALICE: Here, kids,
take your books.
I'll show Mrs. Hutchins
where she's going to stay.
Boy, what a gal.
How come a woman like that
never got married again?
Well, I guess at her age,
a good man is hard to find.
Listen, at any age
a good man is hard to find.
Yeah, don't I know it.
I'm going to tell Grandma on you.
Did you hear that?
What?
About a good man.
I know a man that would make
a wonderful husband for Grandma,
and he's not hard to find.
Who?
Dad's grandfather
Great-Grandpa Brady. Right!
( Doorbell rings ) That's Grandpa!
I'm so excited!
I know!
Oh, he's going to love her!
Hi, Grandpa! Hi, Grandpa!
Afternoon, my dear.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Well, it's always a pleasure
to help out my great-granddaughters.
Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper
um, I found what I
needed in my civics books,
so I'm sorry I bothered you.
But we're glad you're here anyway,
'cause there's a visitor
we want you to meet.
Oh?
Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.
She's really with it.
And far out.
With it?
Far out?
Well, children nowadays
seem to have trouble
expressing themselves with words
from the English language.
Well, that's modern English, Grandpa.
Well, modern, perhaps English, no.
Come on.
Hi, Judge Brady.
Good afternoon, Alice.
How have you been?
Oh, splendid, thank you.
But, as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca
when they met in the Forum,
"Omne ignotum pro magnifico."
( laughs )
( laughs )
Oh, that Pliny really knew
where his head was at.
Alice
MARCIA: Come on, Grandpa.
( Boys laughing )
( Whistle blows )
Foul! Charging.
I can't help it.
They're taller than I am.
Well, sonny
you have got to try to find a way
to outsmart them.
Now, I'm going to show you
the way Jerry West does it.
You just stand over there
and watch, okay? Okay.
You two boys try to guard me.
You boys ready?
Here I come.
Watch it. Back, back
Get her, Grandma!
You can make it!
Right behind you!
Go on, shoot! You can make it!
BOBBY: Come on!
Shoot!
Beautiful!
That was great, Grandma!
Yep. Well, honey,
that's what you call a real fake-out.
You just got to have the moves.
Now, come on. You try it.
Okay.
GRANDMA: Watch it
That's your great-grandmother?
Yep, that's Great-Grandma.
Hmm!
While you two get acquainted,
I'll make you some lemonade.
Well, that's mighty kind
of you, Alice. Thank you.
Thank you. That would
be very pleasant indeed.
Well, you know, I've never met
a real, live judge before.
Well, I'm retired at present.
What happened?
You get tired of sending
them to the pokey?
Madam, I'd like to think
I dispensed justice fairly
in the 40 years I sat on the bench.
40 years on the bench? Whoo!
You must have picked
up a seat full of splinters.
( laughs )
You know, there's something
I've always wondered about judges.
What would that be?
Is it true that on hot days,
judges don't wear any
pants under their robes?
My good woman,
I certainly can't speak for all judges,
but I assure you, hot or cold,
I always wore my trousers.
Too bad.
Here's your lemonade.
Thank you, kiddies. You're welcome.
It looks like you two
are really getting to know each other.
Well, these past few moments
have proved most illuminating.
Right on.
Groovy.
Uh delightful.
Splendid.
That's better.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice. Hi.
Hi, kids.
Uh, Alice
how do you feel
about helping two people fall in love?
( Chuckles )
I'm all for it, especially
if one of the two people
turns out to be me.
We're talking about
Grandma and Grandpa.
Grandma and Grandpa?
Well, you see, right after
Mom and Dad go out,
all us other kids will give
excuses to leave, too.
So you can serve Grandma and Grandpa
a romantic, candlelight dinner for two.
Oh, you little devils, you.
Okay, Alice?
Okay. Oh, thank you.
You get them to the launching pad
and I'll fuel them up for a blastoff.
Great! JAN: Thank you.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well, here's to today
and to auld lang syne,
here's to good health, yours and mine.
Up the flagpole.
( Sighs )
( Sniffing )
Something wrong with yours, Judge?
Eh? Oh, no.
I was merely enjoying
the opalescent play of colors
and the tantalizing bouquet.
Well, while you're doing all that,
would you mind hitting me again?
Pardon? Oh, yes, of course.
You just hold your glass,
and I'll pour.
There you go.
All the way, honey.
Grandpa, Grandma.
Hi.
I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to skip dinner tonight.
Oh, that's too bad.
Got a heavy date.
You know how it is.
We remember how it was.
Don't we, Judge?
Good night.
Bobby and I have to go, too.
My friend Willy's got a sprained ankle
and he's racked up in bed.
Yeah, we're going over to cheer him up.
Well, that's very commendable.
You know, as Homer said,
"Friendship is proved by adversity."
Uh, yeah.
That's right.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Greg, wait up. You can drop us off.
Grandma, Grandpa,
sorry we can't stay for dinner.
Our ballet teacher's having a recital.
We said we'd come.
We promised.
Good-bye, children. Have fun.
Well, Judge, that leaves just you and me.
Here's to solitary confinement.
Pardon?
Come on, honey,
where's your sense of humor?
( Chuckles feebly )
( Soft romantic music playing )
Why is it people have to eat
in the dark, I wonder?
Is, uh, is everything all right, folks?
Oh, out of sight, Alice.
My compliments, Alice.
Thank you.
Wait till you see the dessert.
There you are, sweetie.
Thanks.
I wonder why we need that music.
Ooh, I like it turns me on.
Makes me feel like I want
to dance hoo-hoo!
Well, not me.
Oh, come on, Judgie.
I'll bet you used to fox a
pretty mean trot in your day.
Ha-ha-ha!
Come on. How about a little dance?
Good for your digestion.
Come on. Get up there.
That's the way. Come on.
Madam,
don't you think this farce
has gone far enough?
Farce?
Your entire transparent scheme
the children conveniently disappearing
a cozy dinner for two
romantic music and candlelight
You think I planned all this?
I think it's obvious.
But your romantic fantasies
are not about to come true.
( With French accent ):
Madame, monsieur
the crepes suzettes, they are ready.
Romantic fantasies!
Who'd who'd want
an old goat like you?
Old goat?
Yes, old goat!
Madam
may I remind you
that you are no spring
chicken yourself.
Excuse me.
Oh, Judge!
And it's too late to apologize.
Apologize, my foot!
You forgot your hat!
Good evening.
Good-bye!
Hi, Alice.
Good morning. GREG: Good morning.
Hey, where's Grandma?
About on her third lap, I'd guess.
Third lap?
Around the block.
She came in, grabbed an orange,
and jogged off
sucking the orange.
She really is something.
Alice, did she have
a nice evening with Grandpa?
Well, I think there's a better word
to describe it than nice.
Wonderful?
No.
Beautiful? No.
What?
Disaster-ful.
Oh, what happened?
Well, at dinner, one word led to another,
and by the time they
put all the words together,
they weren't talking.
Oh, no.
What started it?
Well, I don't know how it started,
but I do know how it ended.
How?
She called him an old goat.
And then he called her an old chicken,
and he split the barnyard.
We've got to do something.
We can't let them stay angry
at each other.
I told you not to meddle.
MARCIA: Hi, Grandma.
GREG: Morning.
Morning, there.
Think fast, sonny.
Ooh, I'll tell you.
Nothing like a mile in the morning
to get that blood circulating.
I understand you had a little
argument with Grandpa last night.
Marcia, I wouldn't speak
to that man again
if he was the only one on Earth left
with the key to the wine cellar.
Grandma, I'm sure he
didn't mean what he said.
I know what he meant.
For the first time,
he was talking in English
instead of Latin.
I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.
Not on my part, honey.
Can you imagine him thinking
I was trying to trap him? Ha!
I wouldn't take him on a silver platter
with an apple in his mouth.
Grandma
Him calling me old?
His wrinkles have got wrinkles,
and he's calling me old.
Oh, I'm getting so steamed up
I think I'm going to have
to take another lap.
You're never going to get
anywhere with Grandma.
Maybe I'll have a talk with Grandpa.
Why don't you just leave him alone?
Because if I do,
they'll never get together and fall in love.
Love? Right now, you'd be smart
to settle for mutual indifference.
Grandpa, as a judge
you always have to be fair
and reasonable, don't you?
I have always been fair and reasonable.
Then, last night
didn't you kind of convict
Grandma Hutchins
on circumstantial evidence?
My dear, that opinion is open to question.
But Marcia and I are willing to swear
that Grandma had nothing to do
with arranging that dinner for two.
Well, Jan, if you say so,
then I must accept that fact.
Well, then there's no reason
why you can't phone her and apologize.
Never.
Nomen est no men.
What does that mean?
A name is a name.
Old goat, indeed.
But that's just a figure of speech.
And smell.
Now, I know she sent you girls
here to say all of this,
but you can tell her for me,
res non est sub judicae octum est.
Case is thrown out of court.
We told you to butt out.
We were just trying
to do something nice.
Marcia, if you ever want
to do something nice for me,
give me a warning.
I want a chance to get out of town.
Boys are never any help.
Yeah. Bobby's not even here worrying.
He's out playing
in the park with Grandpa.
Hey, wait a minute.
Bobby's out in the park
playing with Grandpa.
That's what I just said.
Cindy, how would you like to go
to the park with Grandma?
Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.
All right.
I love coming to the park.
Don't you, Grandma?
Oh, I sure do, honey.
I've loved coming to the park
ever since I was a little
girl just your age
which was only a few weeks ago.
Oh, I think you need a
little more rudder there.
Yeah.
Come here, and let's take a look.
Hey, look, there's Grandpa!
Oh!
Careful, sweetheart.
I don't have my running shoes on.
Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.
What's your surprise?
I always come here.
There's something on the other side
of the park you've got to see.
What is it?
It's a squirrel.
I've seen millions of squirrels.
CINDY: This one's collecting nuts.
BOBBY: They all collect nuts.
We'll be right back.
You may sit down, madam.
It's all yours.
( Chuckles )
( Chuckling )
May one inquire as to what
you find so amusing?
You've got that silly hat
perched on your head
just like you did last night
when you marched out of that room
with smoke coming out of your ears.
I believe I left with my customary dignity.
Oh, by the way
I believe I owe you an apology.
I jumped to a conclusion last night
which I understand was not true.
Well, I guess I owe you an apology, too.
But when I get hot under the collar
my mouth just flies off in all directions.
Well, perhaps we were
both at fault.
Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.
Oh, what's your hurry, Judge?
Eh?
Well, why don't you just park it
here on the bench
and give it another trial?
Well
Come on.
Perhaps just for a moment.
It's working!
Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins
Oh, make that Connie, will you, Hank?
Hank?
Hank.
Hank? Mm-hmm.
( laughs )
( Wheezes, coughs )
Nobody's called me Hank
since the first day
I was admitted to the bar.
( laughs )
Well, maybe it's time they started.
Maybe you're right.
Oh, um, Mrs. Hutchins
Make it Connie, please, Hank.
Connie.
About that question
you asked me yesterday.
Oh? What question was that?
That question about
whether judges always wear
their trousers underneath their robes.
Confidentially, I once got up so late
I had to wear my pajamas all day long.
( Both laughing )
I'll bet you thought
you were in night court.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me fix that.
Oh, that's that's all right.
Thank you.
If you'd, um, still like to see
the sights of our fair city,
I'd be pleased to show you around.
That's mighty kind of you, Hank.
I would love to.
Well, perhaps we could start
with a drive to the beach this afternoon
and then, this evening,
there is a string
ensemble playing Mozart.
A string
Well, there is also a
what do you call it?
A groovy concert
at some establishment
called the Rock Bottom.
Well, that's more like it, Hank.
You're finally getting it all together.
( Banging )
Mike, wake up.
What's the matter?
I heard a strange noise.
Oh, honey.
Why is it you always hear strange noises
in the middle of the night
instead of during broad daylight
when I'm awake?
Well, maybe I imagined it.
( Banging repeats )
I just imagined it, too.
I'll go take a look.
You're not going down there alone.
I'm going with you.
Listen, if you want to, you can go first.
Come on.
Mike, I know I heard something.
I heard it, too.
Why do you think I got up
in the middle of the night?
Honey, Grandma is leaving.
Suppose she had
another fight with Grandpa?
Gee, I don't know.
Going somewhere, Grandma?
Sorry, kiddies. Didn't
mean to wake you up.
Is it because of the judge?
Yep. Sure is.
Something he said?
Yep. That's it, exactly.
What'd he say?
He said, "Let's get hitched."
Married?
Yeah. We're eloping to Las Vegas.
And don't you try to stop us.
Stop you? We couldn't be happier.
But we'd love to give you a
wedding with all the trimmings.
Can't you wait?
Oh, honey, we haven't got time.
At our age, every minute
counts. Right, Hank?
But there is one thing
you could do for us.
I'd prefer you kept this quiet.
I'd get a good deal of ribbing
from my chums at the chess club.
( laughs )
Our lips are sealed.
We won't say a word.
Neither will I.
ALL: Neither will we.
Well, good-bye, kiddies.
Thanks for everything.
Come on, Hank.
Yes, my dear.
No. That's wrong.
You use the associative property
instead of the commutative property.
Oh, sure.
Kids, kids, we got a postcard
from your great-grandma and grandpa.
Oh, wow. What does it say, Alice?
Let's see "Hi, everybody,
here we are in Las Vegas"
"Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady.
"Had a problem
with the justice of the peace
when he refused to marry us
without consent of our parents."
Oh, wow, that must have
been some wedding. Go on.
"At the wedding at the wedding dinner
"we had caviar and champagne.
"That is, he had champagne.
"The waiter refused to serve me
without an ID card.
"I have to say good-bye now
because Hank and I have
a date to go waterskiing."
Waterskiing? I can't believe it.
Me either.
"Tell everybody they can believe it."