Ghosts (2021) s04e22 Episode Script

1
SAMANTHA: Isaac, we just got off
the phone with the publisher.
- They want to tell your story.
- (GASPS)
Provided your story
involves you being a vampire.
You got to take risks
every now and then.
Ho!
Maybe I'm just attracted to the danger.
I'm the most pious among us.
Who experiences less joy than I?
Who is more severe?
Hi. I'm Kyle.
Kyle's a dumb name.
- Well, at least I'm alive.
- (ALL GASP)
- I can see ghosts.
- He can see ghosts!
- (ALL SCREAM)
- ELIAS: Sometimes I even
get to come to Earth as a living human.
You have not seen the last of me!
(LAUGHS) All right, let's go to the zoo.
No. I made that up.
I just wanted to have
a private conversation
without the ghosts hearing us.
So, no zoo? Oh, man, I really
wanted some Dippin' Dots.
Okay, big news. The
publisher just told me
they want to have a
big fancy launch party
for my vampire book
about Isaac next week.
- That's awesome.
- Here's the thing, though.
The party's in New
York, so Isaac can't go.
Ooh, he's gonna be so
bummed, which I can relate to
as a man who thought he
was gonna see tigers today.
Which is why I'm thinking
we just don't tell the ghosts about it.
But we need a cover story
for why we're out of town that night.
Got it. The Knicks
are giving me a tryout
'cause they uncovered some
of my old high school tapes.
Swish.
Seriously?
I'm low on blood sugar, okay?
This is why I need my Dots.
Please. We're out already,
we got our jackets on
They got a new baby hippo.
Okay. Fine.
♪
(CAMERA BEEPS, CLICKS)
What's going on here?
Oh, Bela's taking headshots of Jay.
He wants to be ready in
case anyone ever wants
to write an article
about his restaurant.
Does someone want to write an
article about the restaurant?
No. Sadly, he's putting
the cart before the horse.
But what he should do is
put the horse into the pie,
and then the articles
will surely follow.
Just got back from the Windy City.
Hey! (PETE CHUCKLES)
Kyle and I went on a sausage tour.
I spent the whole weekend
smelling his kielbasa.
Who's Kyle? And what's a kielbasa?
Kyle's that guy who can see ghosts.
He was just here last week.
And kielbasa is a Polish tubed meat.
You're hanging out with Kyle
after he did Jay so dirty?
What? He apologized.
And the number of
Livings who can see ghosts
who I can hang out with is very limited.
Oh, Sam, congratulations, by the way.
Kyle tells me the
publisher is throwing you
- a big fancy book launch party in Manhattan.
- What?!
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) I'm pretty
sure you're mistaken, Pete.
What? No. Kyle talked to Bela,
and she told him.
Is that why you're going to New York?
I-I thought it was for Jay's
tryout with the Knickerbockers.
Jay, you told Bela about the
launch party and she told Kyle.
I told her off-property.
I thought that was okay.
Bela, why are you talking to Kyle?
- You have a boyfriend.
- What?
It never hurts to have
someone waiting in the wings.
Eric could get hit by a bus.
Oh, my God. She gonna push
Eric in front of a bus.
- Will someone please tell me what's going on?
- SAMANTHA: Isaac.
(SCOFFS)
The publishing company is throwing
a big launch party for the book.
I didn't say anything
because it's out of
town and you can't go.
I didn't want you to feel left out.
And yet, left out I feel.
Like Peter from numerous school
dances growing up, I assume.
- Hey!
- Am I wrong?
- No.
- I'm sorry, Isaac.
That makes two of us.
♪
PETE: Well, that was one heck
of a House Hunters
International episode.
Although the postmortem
about how it was filmed
before the hurricane did
put a damper on things.
Well, I'm off. I'll
see you ladies later.
- What was that?
- What?
- Did you just ogle Peter's posterior?
- You saw that?
If this were a cartoon,
your tongue would currently
be unspooling across the floor.
Okay, fine!
I'm hot for Pete.
Ever since that night
he and I almost kissed.
Facepalm Two: Peter's Revenge.
That's what we've all been calling it.
I can't stop thinking about him.
He's a dorky travel
agent with knobby knees,
but now all I can see is
this globe-trotting bad boy
who ain't afraid to show some leg!
(GASPS) I mean, Peter? Really?
With those high socks
and silly wordplay?
I had a dirty dream about him.
I made him keep his socks on.
- Bertie.
- Promise me
you won't say anything to anyone.
No, no, no, you can trust me, Alberta.
My son murdered someone.
I kept that secret for a hundred years.
I know. It was me.
Perhaps you aren't the best audience
for that particular anecdote,
but it does prove my point.
- Your shameful secret is safe with me.
- (SIGHS)
SAMANTHA: Isaac, I really do feel bad
about the book launch party, so
I convinced them to do
the party here instead.
Surprise!
What?
No one's ever surprised me before.
Except the British at White Plains
which I deftly repelled
with a surrender
but never anything like this.
I just called the
publisher and explained
that I had crippling agoraphobia,
which I was able to back up
with a note from my therapist.
- Thank you, Thor.
- You're welcome.
Glad that Thor eating best friend
in some small way help you move party.
But, Samantha, it will still
be well-attended up here, yes?
I mean, I'm thrilled to participate,
but I wouldn't want the change of venue
to compromise the success of the event.
Don't worry, Isaac,
everyone is still coming.
All the tastemakers,
all the buyers from the big booksellers.
Trust me, it's gonna be awesome.
Of course it is. I mean,
the place is looking great.
It's gonna be fun!
And who doesn't like fun?
♪
Uh, guys
We got company.
Oh! Hey, Patience.
I smell the devil's presence.
Okay
Yes. (SNIFFING)
Yes. Evil is near.
I shall snuff it out.
Patience!
Nice to see you, too.
Who is this lady?
Our editor. She's the best.
Most of her notes concerned
things Samantha insisted upon.
She generally loves all my stuff.
Are you sure you don't want us
to throw up some cobwebs
or some spooky stuff?
I mean, it is a vampire novel.
Yeah, but this isn't Comic-Con.
Yeah, Jay, it isn't Comic-Con.
This may be a YA genre novel,
but we're hosting New York's
literary elite tonight,
and they don't respond well to gimmicks.
That's the tone Sharon uses
when she scolds Samantha
for a stray comma,
and she uses a lot of them.
Check out this poster. Isaac wishes.
That vampire would certainly
clean up with the ladies.
Kind of like this guy recently.
Oh, geez, I hope it goes well tonight.
I mean, all these VIPs that
could make or break the book.
Apparently, there's a lady coming
- who has three million followers.
- FLOWER: Wow.
Bruce only had 32 followers.
How big is her yurt?
PATIENCE: The evil is close.
- (ALL GASP)
- Oh, my
I can sense it.
SASAPPIS: Patience.
So good to see you.
Uh, how are things in the dirt?
What goeth on here?
Oh, they're setting up
for a book launch party.
Isaac and Sam wrote a vampire novel.
What is a vampire?
It's an undead creature that sucks blood
and drains the life force out of people.
This party is to celebrate the undead?
That sounds demonic.
I mean, we're ghosts, so
maybe don't throw stones.
Hey, guys. What's she doing here?
What's going on?
I'm talking to the ghosts,
and I brought you over
so I don't look crazy.
But there's a Puritan
here who lives in the dirt
and has a history of ruining events.
Something brought me
from the dirt today.
A presence most evil.
And now that I'm here,
I fear it is this most unholy event
for which you are preparing.
Oh, no, this is just a book party.
(CHUCKLES) There's not gonna be
anything unholy happening here.
You guys got to try these deviled eggs.
(GASPS) The eggs of the devil!
And lo, they're sprinkled
with the blood of the innocent.
Pretty sure that's just paprika.
- Listen, Patience
- Patience is here?
She's not gonna do the
wall blood thing, is she?
Wall blood thing?
That is exactly what I intend to do.
This occult gathering
shall not occur. (INHALES)
- No, no, no.
- (OTHERS GASPING, MURMURING)
Wait, no. You're right.
The party totally has satanic undertones
that I just didn't see.
But thank you for bringing
them to our attention.
- We are gonna call the whole thing off right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, we are?
- Yes.
Patience is heartened
that you have canceled your event.
And yet,
I still sense a strong
force of evil about.
Perhaps I shall remain
lest the evil show itself.
Uh, y-you know, maybe
the evil you're sensing
is back at the house.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I've been
getting strong evil vibes
from the mansion lately.
You know, it would be
great to have an expert come
check it out, maybe do a sweep?
I suppose I could investigate.
Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
Patience will not fail you.
- Cool.
- May I?
- Oh, yes.
- That woman's about to eat the devil's egg.
She will carry his spawn!
- (GRUNTS)
- What the
Sorry, I saw some shell in there.
(SIGHS) Another soul saved.
HETTY: Was he making
puns in the dirty dream?
I said I don't want
to discuss it anymore.
But yes, there was a lot
of talk about his arrow.
(GASPS)
- Greetings.
- Oh, God. What's she doing here?
I mean (CHUCKLES) Hey, girl.
- So, guys, Patience showed up at the book launch.
- Mm-hmm.
And helpfully identified
the proceedings as evil.
So with that taken care of,
we thought maybe
Patience could help expose
and clean up any evil here in the house.
Away from the barn.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, yeah.
You know, now that you mention it,
that, uh, vase seems pretty evil.
- Mm.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(GASPS)
No. No, I'm not sensing
the devil's hand at play in that vase.
Okay but-but that.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Yeah, that thing screams evil.
I mean, look at it.
No. 'Tis just a toy.
It seems nothing in this house
requires my righteous intervention.
Perhaps I should return to the barn
to ensure the devilish
mirth hath fully ceased.
(STRAINING)
Alberta's been having
impure thoughts about Peter.
What the hell, Hetty?!
- Wait, what?
- What?
She's been obsessed
since she tried to kiss
him and he face-palmed her.
And it just, it seems really sinful.
And-and-and perhaps something
that you could help smite.
He face-palmed you?
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
There is something we can do
that shall rid you of this evil.
- I'm good.
- Alberta!
Patience is willing to
help you here in the house.
No matter how long that may take.
Fine.
Hallelujah! I'm so excited.
But not too excited,
for to be so is a sin.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
ISAAC: I can't believe Patience.
What did I ever do to her?
Well, you did sneeze
and let go of her hand,
abandoning her to the
dirt for over a century.
That feral Puritan almost ruined
my book's chances of
becoming a bestseller.
And, with the grace of God,
a lavish Broadway musical.
(GASPS) I wonder if Samantha could get
the Tonys relocated to this barn.
Patience crazy. She find evil in things
as innocent as picnic or orgy.
Point is, sometimes
things just good clean fun.
Right? There's nothing
evil going on here.
So, what part of the
city do you live in?
Mm. Hell's Kitchen.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
Alberta, are you ready
to confess in detail
all your most impure
thoughts regarding Peter?
Yep, let's get this over with.
But do these two really need to be here?
It's not a Day of
Humiliation without witnesses.
- A day of what?
- Come in, everyone! It's time.
Come in. That's it. That's it.
Make sure you can see.
She can't feel your judgment
if she can't see you.
ALBERTA: Seriously?
You want me to spill my
guts in front of Creepy Dirk?
Why am I being singled out?
He's actually quite
an empathetic listener.
In the Puritan community, we believed
that the surest way to rid oneself
of impure urges was to
declare them publicly.
All right, let's do it! Let her rip.
(SIGHS) Okay, um
Ah, screw it. What the hell?
I've had lustful thoughts about Pete.
(ALL GASP)
And I can't seem to stop them.
I thought it started a couple weeks ago
when I saw this different side of him.
(CHUCKLES) This "bad boy" side.
But the truth is,
maybe these feelings
have always been there
and I just didn't want to see them.
When I first met him,
I thought he was nice.
But maybe too nice.
Never the type of guy
I would ever go for,
so I kept him at arm's length.
But maybe
all I was really denying was myself.
'Cause I'm starting to
think a guy like Pete
is exactly what I need.
(SIGHS) But I blew it.
I waited until he had a
girlfriend before I took my shot.
So I guess, shame on me.
♪
PATIENCE: Yes.
Shame on you.
Shame!
Shame!
Everyone.
ALL: Shame! Shame!
Shame!
Oh, my God, Kyle, get this.
The ghosts brought this, like,
Puritan lady back to the house
to distract her so she won't
ruin the book launch party.
I just came by the
house to grab something,
but I'm heading back there now.
No, no, no. They told her
they canceled the party,
but then they just,
like, went ahead with it.
Patience hath been tricked?
Uh-oh.
Patience will not stand for this.
Patience! (SIGHS)
- (PANICKED WHIMPERING)
- Wait!
I've had impure
thoughts about Catherine!
Don't do this, Stuart.
ISAAC: Keep going, Samantha.
They're loving this
excerpt you're reading.
"Isaac and his fellow
patriots crept onto the vessel
under cover of darkness.
The Boston Blood Party
was about to begin.
'No exsanguination
without representation, '
shouted Captain
Higgintooth at the Redcoats,
who howled impotently at the moon."
So we're the werewolves?
I'm having trouble following.
Oh, crap.
" said Captain Higgintooth
a-as he heaved his barrel into the bay."
We try to stop her, Samantha.
If you won't put an end
to this demonic gathering,
then I shall.
(GROWLING)
(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)
Okay, um
(GROWLING)
(SIGHS)
So cool! Right?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Oh, wow.
Oh, this is so cool.
Blood!
Because vampires.
That's clever. (LAUGHS)
Where does the blood come from?
We don't ask that question.
There are no good answers.
Huzzah!
(LAUGHING) Yes, stand!
(FRUSTRATED GROANING)
Thank you! Thank you so much.
(SNIFFING)
ALBERTA: Nancy?
Oh, oh. Alberta, hey!
I was just smelling a block of cheese.
(CHUCKLES) How'd you know it was me?
I, uh, recognized one
of your foot sores.
Oh, yeah, that's a
distinctive one. Thank you.
- Have you seen Pete anywhere?
- Yeah.
I think he fled the property.
What? It was right after your
Day of Humiliation speech.
He said something about
having to get out of here.
And then he just booked it.
Those little twigs can move fast.
Oh, my God. I scared him away.
It was pretty intense.
Not defending the guy,
but you laid a lot on him.
I'm such an idiot. Damn it, Alberta.
This is what you get
for being vulnerable.
Oh, okay
There, there?
Sorry, I'm not the greatest
in situations like these.
You know who you should talk to?
Creepy Dirk.
He's a very empathetic listener.
(SIGHS)
To Isaac Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.
May the sales of this book begin
to remotely offset the amount
of money we've lost on ghosts.
- Proud of you, babe.
- SAMANTHA: Thank you, sweetie.
And thank you, Samantha.
Meant the world to see the
crowd reacting to our words.
Mostly my words, but you did type them.
(LAUGHS) Jay, can you believe we're here
in your restaurant celebrating my book?
We have come a long way.
JAY: I know, like, we've
had our ups and downs,
but it's feeling like everything
is starting to click for us.
JILLIAN: Hi.
Just wanted to say, great party.
The book looks really fun.
Thank you. I'm Sam.
This is my husband Jay.
He's actually the man I
came over here to talk to.
Jillian Klein.
Food editor, New York Mag.
Just wanted to say the food
tonight was outstanding.
Oh, my God, thank you.
We've actually been talking about
Mahesh in some of our internals.
Anyway, we'd love to
do a cover story on you
and the restaurant,
if you're interested.
That's amazing. That It's
literally, like, my dream.
How do you even know
about the restaurant?
Well, to be honest, it
wasn't really on our radar,
being all the way out here.
But your publicist, he made
a really persuasive case.
And he was right. Let's be in touch.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Did you
sign with a publicist?
Yeah, I didn't want to tell you
'cause I was too embarrassed,
but then I thought, what the hell?
Hello, Jay.
- (ALL GASPING)
- Oh, no.
JAY: Speak of the devil.
- Here he is now.
- Oh, my God!
- What's wrong, babe?
- This is Elias Woodstone.
JAY: What? No.
- This is Brent, my publicist.
- No.
This is Hetty's husband,
who was also a ghost that went to hell
but now apparently has taken human form?
He got a promotion in hell,
and now he can pose as
a Living to reap souls.
He told us a few weeks
ago when he popped by.
In retrospect, we probably
should've mentioned something.
- You think?
- What is going on?
ELIAS: Your wife is correct, actually.
Although you know me as Brent McAffee,
a hardworking publicist,
I am in fact Elias Woodstone,
an emissary for the devil.
- No
- ELIAS: When you signed the contract
to hire me, in exchange for
making your dreams come true,
I secured your soul for Satan.
- Seriously?
- Jay, you have to read the fine print.
I told you all I would not rest
until I reaped a soul from this house.
Oh, I wonder if this is the
evil Patience was sensing.
The little dirt troll
was right all along.
So, what does this mean,
Elias? Wh-when Jay dies,
- is he going to hell?
- ELIAS: Exactly.
By the way, you're welcome
for the cover story.
And it's looking good for an
appearance on Kelly Clarkson.
What? No, I want out.
Forget the cover story. I want my soul.
Hmm. Unfortunately, what's done is done.
What's important for you is to relax
and enjoy what little
time you have left to live.
What do you mean "little time"?
I-I'm still young. I'm in good shape.
Not sure that true. He
mostly Sonic at this point.
ELIAS: Well, you are young,
but we have ways of
speeding things along.
- (CREAKING)
- Look out!
- (SCREAMS)
- Oh!
Hmm, rats.
Thought I'd get him on the first try.
Oh, well.
See you soon.
♪
I'll get you a quote on that.
Alberta
Pete, uh-uh, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
All that stuff I said before,
I was just going along with
it to distract Patience.
I didn't really mean any of it.
So if we could just forget it.
I don't want to forget it.
I want to talk about it.
Pete, you literally fled the property.
You've been gone for two days.
So let's just move on.
The reason I left was because
I had to go talk to Donna.
To tell her that I
can't see her anymore.
Because there's something I have to do.
What?
This.
Oh, my.
Lip strength. That's from my oboe days.
So, what did I miss while I was gone?
Well, a couple things.
JAY: Sam, I'm afraid to use the toaster!
Sam? I can't live like this!