The Brady Bunch (1969) s04e22 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
must somehow form a family ♪
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Alice? Hmm?
How come we buy the
same things every week?
Maybe it's because we got
the same kids every week.
Mother! Alice! CAROL: Hi, hon.
Guess what happened at school today.
What?
I was picked from all the kids at school
to be on a television show.
On a television show?
Yeah. The one called Question the Kids.
That's the one where
kids from different schools
compete against one another.
Right. Oh, that's wonderful, sweetheart.
Congratulations, Cindy.
When are you going to be on TV?
Well I'm not sure
I am going to be on television,
but I got picked!
You got picked to do what?
Well, you see,
there are different tests
for different grades,
and I got picked to take
the test for my grade
to see who gets picked
to be on television.
Oh, well, that's still terrific, honey.
Big deal.
I got picked, too, for my grade.
Both of you got picked?!
That's terrific.
Boy, we've really got some brains
in this family, huh, Alice?
Yeah, two eggheads in the same nest.
Lots of kids got picked to take the test,
but only four get to be on television.
So we'll have to study real hard
or we won't even have a chance to win.
It'll be a cinch
for me, anyway.
Too bad Bobby's suffering
from a lack of confidence, isn't it?
Hey, Bobby
I've got a great idea.
What?
We both have to take a test
to be on the television show,
so why don't we study together?
I don't have time.
Why not?
I'm busy.
I'm building a real Indian tepee
like I saw in the movies.
What's so important
about building an old tepee?
Just ask any old Indian.
I've got to wash my hair today.
It looks awful.
I've got to study my French.
Lately, it sounds like Pig Latin.
Jan?
Mm-hmm.
Would you help me study?
I'm sorry, Cindy, I can't.
I've got to wash my hair.
Can't you wash it tomorrow?
What? And take a chance
of having oily follicles?
Would you help me study, Marcia?
Can't, Cindy.
I've got to study this French vocabulary.
Then I guess I might as well forget
about being on television.
You mean you made it?
You mean you got picked
to take that television test
that we were talking about?
Yeah.
Well, sure, we'll help you.
You will?!
Sure.
Gee, do you have to
learn both those big books?
Oh, no. All of these, too.
Hey, uh, Bobby,
aren't you supposed to be studying?
What for?
For that test for the television show.
Don't you want to be on TV?
Sure, but I know all that stuff.
Cindy's really studying for her test.
Maybe I'm smarter than she is.
You're not too smart
about putting up a tepee.
Hey, come on, let's help him.
Hold it!
I know all about putting up one of these.
Oh, well, listen to Big Chief Know-It-All.
Hey, you start.
Okay. Go.
Uh-huh. Just you,
the Swansons and the Clarks.
Yeah, no, no, no,
just wear something casual.
Mike's going to barbecue.
Okay, right, yeah.
Saturday the third, okay?
Bye-bye.
Hey, you guys, look!
Wow!
Not bad.
See, I told you I could do it all by myself.
Hey!
( Greg and Peter laugh )
Look like you big mistake.
( Grunts )
Hey, Alice, I think this solution's
finally getting the rust off the barbecue.
The Watsons got some special stuff
they just sprayed on the grill
that ate the rust right away.
Well, why don't we use that?
'Cause it ate the grill, too.
Oh.
Mike? Yeah?
I just talked to the Clarks
and the Bernsteins,
and they said the third
would be just great.
Hey, good. Oh, listen.
I forgot to tell you I ran into
Ross Allen and Don Metzger,
and they'd heard about the
party from Chuck Swanson,
so I had to invite them, too.
Oh, but, honey, if we invite
the Allens and the Metzgers,
then we're going to have to invite
the Kaufmans and the Burkes.
Well, why don't we ask them, too?
Steaks for 14 people?
Well, I could take a loan on the house.
Mrs. Brady, why don't
we have a Mexican dinner?
It would cost a lot less.
Hey, Alice, that sounds like a great idea.
Listen, I thought you
wanted me to barbecue.
I've got some great Mexican recipes.
They come in three degrees:
hot, super hot
( gasps ): And pass the fire extinguisher.
I think hot'll be hot enough.
I'll bet that "pass
the fire extinguisher" one
is really something special.
Automatically makes you
a Mexican citizen.
I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue.
Can I see some of those recipes?
Yeah, sure. Oh, good.
Carol?
Yeah?
What about my barbecue?
Oh!
It looks just terrific.
Adios.
I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue
really looks terrific.
A-ha! Here's one.
Who gave the famous speech
that started,
"Four score and seven years ago"?
Abraham Lincoln.
That's right.
I'm going to give you
one to test your logic,
so listen real carefully.
It's tricky. Okay.
You're the bus driver,
and the bus is empty.
At your first stop, ten people get on.
At your second stop, nine people get off,
but two more get on.
Okay? Okay.
Okay. At your next stop,
two people get on, but four more get off.
You got that?
Got it. Okay.
Now here's your question.
What's the name of the bus driver?
The name of the bus driver?
Yeah.
How should I know?
Cindy Brady.
I said you were the bus driver.
I told you it was tricky.
That was real tricky.
Okay, now here's another one, Cindy.
See if you can get this.
It's tricky, now. You ready?
I'm ready.
All right. There's a rooster,
and he's sitting on top of the house
and it has a slanted roof.
Now, when he lays an egg,
which side will it roll off?
It won't roll off at all,
'cause roosters don't lay eggs.
That's right.
That's using logic.
Mrs. Brady?
Yeah. I found that magazine
with the recipes in it.
Oh, good, we can get started
on our smorgasbord menu.
What smorgasbord menu?
For our party on the tenth.
What happened
to our party on the third?
Oh! Didn't I tell you?
The Kaufmans and the Burkes
couldn't make it on the third,
so we switched it to the tenth.
What about all that Mexican food?
Oh, honey, well, see,
the Swansons and the Allens
have guests that weekend,
and the Metzgers' uncle is
visiting them from Seattle,
so they have to bring them along,
and that's just too many
people for a sit-down dinner.
So instead of Mexican food
on the third, we're going to have
smorgasbord on the tenth. Right.
We not only change dates,
we change continents.
Oh, that's right, today's the big day
of the TV test, isn't it?
I got it down cool.
Yeah, good luck.
Good luck, honey.
How about you, Cindy?
Are you ready for it?
Well, I'll just try to do my best.
Well, honey, that's all any of us can do.
Bye-bye. Good luck.
I still don't understand
why we're having smorgasbord
when we've got 45 pounds
of Mexican food?
And the party's on the
tenth, not the third.
I wonder if I'm invited.
Find anything interesting
for our smorgasbord, Alice?
Well, nothing I can pronounce.
Here's one that sounds good,
but it's complicated.
I don't know if you can make it.
It's, uh, a recipe for sma kottbullar.
If you can say it, I can make it.
Oh, here's some more.
There's, uh rhabarb bragrot
persch torsk
schlot steak
and that old standby, frikadeller.
Such language!
I'm glad the children aren't around.
I can't wait to see how
this dinner turns out.
I've got some more recipes
in that magazine in my room.
I'll get it. Okay.
CINDY: Mom! Mom!
I won! I won!
I'm going to be on television!
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you!
Me, too.
How'd Bobby do?
I didn't even wait to find out.
I wanted to come home
and tell you about me!
Congratulations, honey.
Why don't you go tell Alice the news?
She's in her room.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Come here.
( Sighs )
How'd you do on the test?
I got wiped out.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
It was a tough test.
Really tough, huh?
It was so tough, lots
of guys didn't make it.
Let's face it, chum:
You didn't make it
because you didn't study.
Well, maybe not too much.
Yeah. Maybe not at all.
( Sighs )
I guess.
Bobby?
You're going to be on
the TV show with me, aren't you?
You mean you won?
Sure. Didn't you?
No.
It was a tough test.
Tough?
Mine was easy for me.
I guess I'm just smarter than you are.
How.
Hi, Dad.
Hmm.
Well, I hear of tribe named Blackfoot.
Never hear of tribe named Sneakerfoot.
You did a nice job on your tepee.
Yeah. Better job than I did on that test.
Mm-hmm. Well, cheer up.
It's not the end of the world.
I guess I was a real
dummy for not studying.
Yeah. Well, if you never make a mistake,
you never learn a lesson, huh?
I guess so.
Yeah. That's all water under the bridge.
Okay, Chief?
How.
How.
Hey, Cindy, you want
to play in the tepee?
Don't be silly.
What's silly about it?
I might get dirty.
So what?
Television stars don't play in tepees
and they don't get dirty.
Who's a television star?
I am, that's who.
Hi, Cindy.
You want to lick the bowl?
No thanks. It's not ladylike.
Ladylike?
Yes. What are we having for dinner?
Swiss steak and spaghetti.
Not me.
Honey, those are two of your favorites.
Not anymore, they're not.
They're rich and fattening.
Well, sure. All that good stuff is.
Just fix me a small salad, please.
Hey, wait a second.
Do you mind telling me
why the special diet?
A star can't go on television
all fat and broken out.
Hi.
Hi.
Cindy's at it again.
GREG: She's been in there for an hour.
"When you're a TV star,
your hair has to be just right."
How many ways can there be to fix hair?
She's tried everything but an afro.
Well, if she keeps this up,
she won't have to worry
about her hair on the TV.
She'll be bald.
I was wondering
do you think I ought to have
my ears pierced?
Cindy, the last thing you need
is two more holes in your head.
Oh, no.
Cindy, not again.
I have to make sure
I wear just the right thing
on television, don't I?
But, Cindy, you've already tried
these dresses on umpteen times.
So? I don't know which goes best
with my hair and my eyes.
Cindy, you're really getting to be a drag.
You're acting as if
it was a beauty contest
instead of a brain quiz.
Okay, then, just name me
one big television star
who isn't worried
about the way she looks.
Lassie.
Art, art.
Hurry.
Oh
Oh, God.
Well six shopping carts full.
I think that's a new record.
Yeah, but you've got to admit,
this smorgasbord is a pretty good idea.
We have got enough food
to feed all our friends,
their relatives, their houseguests,
plus any last-minute drop-ins.
Even their drop-ins
can bring their drop-ins.
Ooh, looks like you've got
plenty of smorgas for the bord.
There's still more smorgas in the car.
Hey, Alice, were there
any calls while we were out?
Just one.
The school called to give you the date
of Cindy's television show.
Oh, good. When is it?
I'll give you a hint.
We're going to be eating
this stuff a long, long time.
Alice
you don't mean?
I do mean.
No, no, no. No, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, naturally, the tenth
the night of our party.
I'll get the rest of the stuff
out of the car.
You know
I don't believe it.
First, we're going to invite
a couple of friends over.
I'm going to barbecue steaks.
Then we changed to a Mexican dinner
so we can invite more people.
So I cancel the steaks.
I run all over town
in search of authentic Mexican food.
But then we switch to a smorgasbord
so we can have friends
and friends of friends
and uncles and relatives
and assorted drop-ins.
But now I have got enough Mexican food
to feed every guitar player
in Guadalajara,
and I corner the market on herring.
And now I find out
that we are having a party
for 26 people on the tenth,
and the only people
who aren't going to be here are us.
That was a wonderful soliloquy, Hamlet.
Are you finished?
Yes.
Ah, maybe you better go help Alice
get the rest of the things out of the car.
( Sighs )
Poor dear.
Mom, we're going to study
in the family room.
Oh? What's wrong with your own room?
It's too full of Cindy, the television star.
She has her clothes scattered all over
and she never stops talking
about being on television.
Cindy
How do you think these look, Mom?
Terrible.
You are much too young
to be wearing Marcia's earrings.
I can see now why Marcia and Jan
are complaining.
They're just jealous.
They are not jealous and they're
not the only ones complaining.
If you mean Bobby, he's just mad
because he was too dumb to win.
Listen, sweetheart, Bobby is not dumb.
If he didn't win,
it's just because he didn't study.
Well, that's dumb.
Besides, he's a bad loser.
It seems to me that you're a bad winner.
You know, you shouldn't
put down a loser, Cindy,
because you might be one
yourself someday.
Just remember that.
Don't you want to come
and watch me be on television?
Uh, no thanks.
I've had you and TV up to here.
Okay, then you're going
to miss all the excitement.
Oh, we'll try to live through it.
I never thought my own sisters
would be so jealous.
She's got a size ten body
and a size 24 head.
I'm leaving for the show now.
Hooray.
Would you boys like to be the first
to get my autograph?
Autograph?
Uh, I'm afraid
that's just too big an honor for us, Cindy.
Okay. You had your chance.
Cindy, will you please come on?!
It's time to leave!
You folks all set to go?
Yeah. Hey, Alice, will you try
to get the kids to watch
Cindy on television?
Cindy!
CINDY: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Good luck, honey.
Do you think this dress
will look good on color TV?
Maybe I'd better wear my blue one.
Uh, uh, Cindy.
Come on, come on.
Give me that compact.
Let's go.
Good-bye, Alice.
Bye.
Now, don't forget, kids,
when this little red light goes on,
we're on the air
and we'll be in everybody's living room.
Now, does everybody have
their thinking caps on?
KIDS: Yes, sir!
Good.
Take your places.
( Clicking )
I was just about to call you kids.
Alice, we wouldn't miss
Cindy for anything.
That's what I call real family spirit.
We want to see Miss Smarty-Pants
fall right on her big, fat head.
Yeah, we can't wait to see her bomb.
Like I said, real family spirit.
Hey, Bobby, turn it up, will you?
The questions I'll be asking
are based on your regular schoolwork,
so when you know the answer,
just raise your hand.
And remember, when that little red light
on that camera goes on,
we're on the air.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Question the Kids show.
I'm Monty Marshall, your quizmaster.
And tonight,
it's Clinton Grammar School
versus Woodside.
And may the better team win.
Now, here's your first question.
Listen carefully.
"Four score and seven years ago"
Is the beginning of what speech?
Yes, Woodside?
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.
MARSHALL: That's right.
How is the word "swiftly" used
in the following sentence?
"The boy ran swiftly."
Clinton.
As an adverb.
MARSHALL: That's right.
Mike, what's the matter with Cindy?
Just staring at the camera
like she's got television it is.
Spell the word "thoroughfare."
Woodside.
T-H-O-R-O-U-G-H
F-A-R-E. MARSHALL: That's right.
What's wrong with Cindy?
She's not even raising her hand.
Talk about dumb.
She knows all those answers by heart.
Then why doesn't she answer them?
MARSHALL: Now, name the
last two states that joined the union.
How come Cindy just sits there?
She looks scared.
Come on, Cindy, loosen up.
Woodside.
Alaska and Hawaii.
MARSHALL: Right.
Oh, she knew that.
Now, name
the capital of Louisiana.
Come on, Cindy.
I know you know this one.
Cindy, raise your hand.
Cindy, you know it!
Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge.
Woodside.
Baton Rouge.
MARSHALL: That's correct. Oh, Cindy
Now, how many pecks
are in a bushel?
Clinton! Four.
MARSHALL: Right!
I don't want to see anybody.
They'll all make fun of me.
It's not going to get any easier later.
Come on.
ALL: Cindy!
You looked terrific!
Especially your hair.
The dress was fantastic.
You were the prettiest girl there.
Oh, yeah. We all thought so.
I didn't answer a single question.
I was a real dum-dum.
Cindy
Cindy
I was the dum-dum.
I didn't even pass the test.
You studied and you got on TV.
Bobby, you're a terrific brother.
Women!
One nice word, and you get all wet.
Aw! Poor baby.
Aw! Come on!
Well, honey, I finally got it all worked out.
Yeah? What's that?
Well, I've called the Swansons,
the Bernsteins, the Clarks,
the Kaufmans, the Burkes,
the Metzgers and the Allens.
It took a lot of juggling,
but they can all come on the 24th.
On the 24th, huh?
Yup, that's when we're having
the party. Great. I'll phone you.
Let me know if you're
having a good time.
What do you mean, you'll phone me?
'Cause that's the weekend I'm going
to be out of town at the
convention, remember?
Catch me.