Happy Days (1974) s04e23 Episode Script

1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
(organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps)
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days ♪
Are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours ♪
! ♪
I'm walkin', yes, indeed ♪
I'm talkin' ♪
.
That you'll come back to me ♪
I'm lonely ♪
Why do you let me walk backwards all the time?
Okay, put it on the table here, Tony.
Okay. Set it down nice and easy.
Oh, good. Excuse me.
Lift up my side.
That's pain.
Plug it in now, would you?
Girls, girls
I'm hopin' that you'll come back to me ♪
Girls, time out here, girls, time out here.
Will you just calm down?
All right, now, Doris, come here.
You are a terrific driver. You dig it? Terrific.
Next time, just keep your hands on the wheel.
That ain't too much to ask, you know?
Hey, all right.
Excuse me, Fonzie. I need your advice.
Yeah?
Do you think the TV set there is okay?
Al, I got other problems on my mind.
My bike is busted can you dig it?
I mean, I got 50 chicks here dying to drive me home.
Well, what we're going to do
is we're going to have all the football games now
and in color. Whoopee, Al.
Yeah, well, it's going to be a big thing,
I mean, since Ralph started gambling
with those football cards.
Yeah, I'll tell you something.
That bubblegum king is getting out of hand, huh?
What do you think of the new Ralph?
I think I like the old one better.
All right, all right, all right.
Now, girls girls, when I get back,
I'm going to have the answer
to who can drive me home, all right?
So just just keep calm.
Have your driver's license ready.
No learner's permits.
This is private, girls.
All right, all right, step right up!
The big game is about to start.
Put your bets down.
College or pro.
All you need is three teams to win.
Taking candy from a baby, right, doll face?
Right, sugar lips.
Sugar lips. Thank you.
Okay, check off your three teams.
Malph, get your hockey stuff together.
Game starts in 30 minutes.
Sheila, I don't believe you've met the boys.
Richie and Potsie,
my very close friend Sheila. Charmed.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Ralph, come on. You got to help us out,
We got a game.
Okay, okay. Will you excuse me, baby?
Ooh! Anything
you say, sugar lips.
Boys.
Sugar lips, huh?
How about that Sheila?
There's one manicurist who can curl your cuticles!
We're talking about hockey, not cuticles.
Gentlemen, I have a business to run here.
Yeah, but but you're our goalie.
Without you, what chance do we have
against the Shotz Hot Shots?
Very little.
What's with you, Malph?
Ever since you took over this football pool,
we haven't been able to talk to you.
You can still talk to me.
The only difference is now it costs money.
All right,
any three teams to win,
college or pro, dollar minimum,
dollar gets you ten. Forget it.
Like my rings, guys?
Wait a minute. You're giving ten to one?
Uh-huh.
All right, I'll take one of those.
Here you go.
Rich, I'll need a dollar.
I'm good for it.
Oh, yeah. You're my friend.
Okay, I'll give you till tonight.
Malph, are you playing hockey or not?
One second, Pots.
Wake Forest?
You're picking Wake Forest to beat Notre Dame?
(stifling laughter)
I like the points.
Some guys will do anything to throw away their money.
See you, Pots.
Keep going for those long shots, Richie.
Okay, okay, one hour till game time!
Put down your bets.
Bruiser!
Take a card.
He's even taking a bet from Bruiser.
He's sick.
Oh, yeah, but he's rich.
Hey, sugar lips!
Hey, baby.
Girls!
Hey. Fonz, Fonz, Fonz.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I said girls, not candy canes.
Yeah, but we got to talk to you about something.
Yeah? What about?
We haven't got a goalie, Fonz.
What happened to Ralph?
Well, he he's gotten carried away
with these football betting cards.
Yeah, I noticed. I noticed.
He's a big boy. It's his funeral.
Hey, Fonz, you want to be our goalie?
You want to be a puck?
No, thanks.
Come on, Pots.
Yeah. Thanks anyway, Fonz.
Yeah, Fonz.
All right, now, girls, let's get down to business.
Let's get down to business.
Whoever catches this comb,
gets to drive me home, huh?
Ooh, you lucky girls. Here you go.
All right, all right!
Congratulations, Cicely.
Now go out there and warm up the car.
Oh, you know, I'll tell you something.
My heart is like Mount Rushmore.
I understand it's cold.
I understand it's cold, all right? You can all ride along.
(gasping) That's right.
Those of you that don't fit, run along the sides.
La, la-la, la, la, la-la, la la ♪
La, la-la, la, la, la-la, la ♪
La-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪
Oh, Mom, why did you have to get succotash again?
That's your father's favorite,
and besides, it's very healthy for you.
Well, it may be healthy, but it makes me sick.
Will you just put away the groceries?
Your father will be home from his Leopard meeting,
and he'll be hungry as a bear.
Oh, good one, Mom.
What? What did I say?
You know leopard, bear. What?
Forget it.
Look, Rich, if you could just give me the dollar.
Oh, Ralph, don't you look spiffy?
Thank you. Thank you.
So, how are things on the riverboat?
Sit on it.
How was the hockey game?
We lost, 12 to nothing.
Oh. Is that bad?
Not when you consider we had a German Shepherd for a goalie.
Hey, Rich, wait a minute.
Where are you going?
I'm going upstairs to change my clothes.
Why? Do you want to make a bet
on what color socks I put on?
Aw, come on Rich.
Football's my specialty.
Pick a pro team.
No. No, I lost a dollar today, and that's it.
I'm not betting anymore.
Oh, Rich, what's a buck
to an ambitious kid like you?
Green Bay Packers are a cinch to win.
Don't hand me that.
Everybody knows Paul Hornung's got a bad leg.
He'll play in a wheelchair.
What's the difference?
Everybody in Milwaukee bets Green Bay.
That could be a pretty good game.
A great game. Here. Green Bay's the third one down.
I see it. I see Green Bay.
What does your dad think of this?
Are you kidding?
He doesn't know.
He'd crack up. He'd go ding-dong.
I think you're getting a little carried away here, Ralph.
I mean, at ten to one, what happens if you lose?
The odds never go against the house.
Okay, house, here's your card.
Thanks.
I liked it better when you were a comic, Ralph.
Why are you following me up to my room?
Hey, a buck's a buck.
Hey, Rich, you think Rockefeller got rich trusting people?
It's always a pleasure to drive you home, Howie.
You're such a sweet guy.
Mickey, you don't have to butter me up.
If the lodge thinks that Ralph should
be Junior Leopard of the Year, then he will.
Hello, Howard.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Did you get the succotash? Oh.
Hello, Mickey,
Ralph is right upstairs.
Oh, good. We can drive home together.
We'll have some laughs.
The kid's got a great personality.
Right, Howie?
I wish you'd please stop calling me Howie.
Oh, Howie, the kid's a natural.
He's cute and witty.
You know, when they made Ralph,
they broke the mold.
I can see why.
Do you have a teenage daughter, Mickey?
No. Would you like one?
(laughing) Good one, Howie.
RALPH: So, Rich, look.
I took the odds from all the papers,
and then I figured out the averages.
Oh, hi, Dad. I was just explaining averages,
helping Richie with some math.
Oh, what a kid, huh?
Helps his friends, huh?
Hey, my boy, Ralphie. Right, Pop. Right.
Well, we better
hit the road, Ralphie.
Okay, Dad.
Uh! Let's give them one.
Okay, Dad.
Hey, Dad,
you know, I just came back from Africa,
and I played cards with the natives.
Zulus?
No. I won.
Ha-cha-cha! Ha-cha-cha!
Come and get it.
Well, thank goodness we still have Abbott and Costello.
Oh, good! I'm hungry as a bear.
(dog barking)
Oh, Mom, uh, could you save the bone for our goalie?
Yes, dear.
You have a dog for a goalie?
Yeah. He played today.
Wa, wa, wa-wa, wa-wa, wa ♪
Wa-wa, wa-wa, wa. ♪
RICHIE: Can't you fix the color, Al?
AL: What do you want from me? I can't.
Bruiser broke the antenna off.
Such a boring game.
He dropped it again. Look.
Aw, come on.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Green Bay's down by 11 points.
They'll catch up. You know the Packers.
(softly): They haven't got a prayer.
There's two minutes to go.
Let's have a soda, you beautiful thing.
Come on. Put in Hornung!
Don't worry, Pots. They'll put him in.
(softly): They'll never put him in.
The man should be in a wheelchair.
Okay, service! May we have service, Alfred?
Ralph, I'm trying to watch a football game.
Al, I'm buying sodas for the house.
Oh. Well, I can read about it in the newspaper.
Could you turn up the sound?
There isn't any sound.
After the Wake Forest game, Bruiser bit off the knob.
(laughing)
Look at that. Come on!
Come on!
MAN: We're gonna lose our shirts.
Hi, Fonz.
I'm buying everybody sodas,
but I want you to have a cheeseburger.
How does that sound?
Let me tell you something, Malph.
I got my own problems, all right?
I got to find a piston, and they ain't cheap.
You need money, and I can use an associate.
Hey! Hey! All right! Yeah!
Interception!
Green Bay just intercepted a pass!
POTSIE: They're going all the way for the touchdown!
(all cheering)
I told you guys they'd catch up.
Thank you, my dear.
(all cheering)
I could use a tough cookie like you to help me collect.
First of all, the Fonz is not a cookie.
See, a cookie is something you put in your mouth.
Like this.
Bad choice of words.
Let let me rephrase.
Yeah, do that. Rephrase.
Fonzie,
I am prepared to offer you ten percent of my business.
Malph, do you have any idea
what a dirty business you're getting into?
All right, all right, 50-50.
Malph
Don't say it.
You're moved, I can see it.
Yeah, I'm moved.
Outside there's too much hot air in here.
(all shouting, cheering)
Hey, listen, Ralph, you better get over here,
because everybody bet on Green Bay
and you could lose a lot of money
you could lose your shirt.
Hey wait, fumble.
Green Bay recovered it!
Look, look, look!
They're putting in Hornung!
They won't put in Hornung the man can't even walk.
What's he doing?
Get out of there you got a bad leg!
It looks like he's recovered to me.
.
Look at him run! There he goes!
Okay, okay, look, we all know who's gonna win.
(indistinct shouting) I'm gonna turn this off.
35! He's at the 35! 30!
ALL: The 25 20
15 ten
the five touchdown!
(shouting, whooping)
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where's Ralph?
Come on, Ralph, you owe us a lot of money.
You better pay up.
Don't worry, you're gonna get every penny of it,
in due time.
It's time.
Hiya, Bruiser.
Don't go run off.
I got a winner I got Green Bay.
You sure do, Bruiser you did real good.
I want my 80 bucks!
Look, Bruiser, I'm a little short right now.
How about a camel's hair?
I want my 80 bucks!
Okay, Bruiser, look,
now, you're gonna have to trust me.
I sense a lack of trust here.
Wait! Bruiser, wait a second, wait a second.
Don't try anything I got to tell you something! What?
I can't stand pain!
Please don't hurt me. Please.
Pain makes me cry.
Look, I'll give you the money, I promise.
When?
Very soon just tell me, how soon do you want it?
I want it now.
That soon?
How about tomorrow?
Too late!
Wait! Wait! There's Fonzie!
There's Fonzie! It's Fonz!
Like I said, Bruiser,
you'll get your money when you get it.
Right, Fonz?
Pal?
I hear Malph owes you some money.
Yeah, 80 bucks.
Richie said you had a big problem.
Worse than a problem, Fonz, he was gonna rearrange my face.
Nothing less than I would do had you welched on me.
(whimpering)
He's kidding, he's kidding! Good one, Fonz.
He's a kidder. Put him straight, Fonz.
Hey, listen, I just came in here to check my hair.
Perfect, as usual. Wait a minute!
Hold it! Hold it! Fonzie!
Bruiser.
Yeah?
I don't think there's any sport
in beating up a guy who's groveling at your feet?
I bet you could give him 24 hours.
I don't think I want to wait.
I think you do.
I do? Yeah.
Yeah, I think I can wait.
Okay, Malph.
But I think I ought to get some kind of insurance.
What do you got that's worth 80 bucks?
(whimpers, pants)
Nothing. I'm all cleaned out.
All I got left are the fillings in my teeth.
FONZIE: Uh, Bruiser
I think he was kidding.
He fancies himself like a comedian, you know?
Bruiser ain't one of your fun-loving audiences.
I can tell that right away.
Hey, uh, you interested in that chick out there, uh, Sheila?
The brainy chick?
Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
You can have her, Bruiser.
She's outside, and she'll do your nails.
The manicurist?
Yeah, the brainy one.
Okay!
Well, you got 24 hours.
Wonder what we'll talk about.
Fonz, you saved my life.
Yeah.
Oh, man, was that a close one!
Fonzie
what am I gonna do? Well, you're either gonna pay him back,
or you're gonna learn to live very comfortably in pain.
Come on, Fonz.
You were gonna lend it to me all the time, weren't you, pal?
Never entered my mind, pal.
(whimpers)
Hey, like Fred Astaire said:
"You want to dance, you got to pay the fiddler."
Oh, but, Fonz, you saw Bruiser
he ain't Fred Astaire.
You'll find the money somewhere.
But what if I don't?
Hey
how much damage can the, uh, Bruiser do to you?
A lot, Fonz, a lot.
Yeah, well, you're young, you'll recover.
(whimpers)
(girls shrieking, squealing)
.
Come on, Malph,
get a grip on yourself, will ya?
There you go, Ralphie boy.
Now, look, you're gonna have to grow up.
Just talk to your father, okay?
Better, you get Richie to do it.
(chuckles)
I still got it.
Richie, I really appreciate you helping me,
but I don't understand why your dad is coming.
D-Don't play with the equipment, come on.
He's coming because I-I explained it to him, and
Look, don't you understand?
Old people have a way of talking to each other.
J-Just trust me, all right? All right.
Okay, guys, I'm here.
Oh, thanks for coming, Howie.
Like father, like son.
You know, this neighborhood is getting real weird.
There's a girl downstairs giving
some rough-looking guy a manicure.
(whimpers)
Oh, I I guess that's Bruiser.
I'll go down and get him. Richie
Just a joke. Ha-cha-cha!
Will you guys quit clowning around!
I got to get back to work in a half hour.
Where's your dad? He's in the lab.
Come on, Rich, let's wait in the reception room.
Don't try and run off on me, Ralph.
Where would I go? Bruiser's downstairs.
I may sleep here.
Mickey, come on out I haven't got all day.
Hi, Howie.
Gotcha! (Laughing)
You scared me, Mickey!
Well, how could that be?
You haven't seen the bill yet.
(laughing)
I didn't come here for an examination
I got to get back to work.
Listen, I, uh,
I came here to talk to you about Ralph.
He won!
My little Ralphie he's Leopard of the Year!
Oh-ho, sit back, sit back!
Oh, I knew you'd come through, Howie.
I'm gonna give you a free checkup.
Cover your eye and read the chart. All right. No Mickey,
it is nothing like that.
Now, will you please let me finish?
Now, listen to me.
Your son Ralph is in trouble.
Some girl got my Ralph in trouble?
No, Mickey, it's not that.
You see, your son Ralph
has been running a gambling operation,
and he's got some real problems.
My Ralph? Mm-hmm.
Gambling?
It's true.
But I think maybe he'd better tell you the rest himself.
He's waiting outside.
Okay, come on, Ralph, he's all yours.
Ralph.
Hi, Dad.
Howard here has been trying to tell me
that you're in some kind of a mess.
Now, I want you to tell me, Ralphie,
who it is that got you in trouble.
Was it Potsie?
Fonzie! Fonzie.
Dad, it wasn't anyone.
It was me.
I got myself in trouble.
Aw, Ralphie, you're too good.
You're too good.
You're always protecting your friends.
Now, I want you to tell your pop,
who are you covering up for?
Dad, I'm not covering for anybody.
I don't get it. What's the punch line?
What's the matter with us, Dad?
We can't even talk to each other.
All we do is tell jokes!
Don't yell at me I'm your father.
?
It was my fault, Dad, only my fault!
I'm a teenage bookie!
Sit down, Ralphie.
What you said just now, that's true.
I never yell at you.
Dad That's because you're an only child.
I don't know.
Maybe I've been too worried about
being a pal instead of a father.
We always had such fun together.
Dad?
Dad
I'm-I'm sorry I let you down.
I know you always thought I was Mr. Perfect.
.
Dad!
Almost perfect.
Almost perfect.
(laughs)
(laughs)
Hey, Ralphie
what are we gonna do about this gambling business?
Oh, well, Dad
you know, I know what I did was wrong,
and I promise, I'll never do it again, I promise.
But I owe a lot of money.
How much?
Dad, sit down.
Dad
I owe $80.
Eighty dollars?!
Come here.
Ralphie, I'm gonna give it to you.
But you're gonna work it off of your allowance
two nights a week right here in this office!
It'll help you out later when you become an optometrist.
Dad, I don't want
to be an optometrist, I want to be a comedian.
You're joking.
Dad, Dad, I'm-I'm serious.
Comedian?
(chuckles)
Ralphie, all kidding aside, huh,
you're not that funny.
I'm not?
Gotcha.
(laughing)
Hey, Dad, we still got it.
We still got it.
I'm not that funny?
Howie
let's us do a father-and-son thing.
I can't my father lives in Florida.
Oh, no, no, no, I mean us.
Us.
Oh! Gotcha!
How'd it go?
Well, all right, I guess.
But Ralphie told me he doesn't want to be an optometrist.
He wants to be a comedian.
I'll tell you, Mickey, it's tough being a parent.
Come on, guys.
Seems like he took it pretty well.
Well, I told him a lot of things, Rich.
It wasn't easy.
It's tough being a kid.
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
Happy days! ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These days are ours ♪
These days are ours ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪