Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e01 Episode Script

1
Good morning, and happy
"my second favorite holiday
after Christmas"
Development Day, every Ooh, donuts.
Oh, that's nice, but I am cutting today,
so I will just have a yogurt.
Hmm. How am I feeling today, right?
Am I feeling sophisticated,
or am I feeling nutty?
Am I feeling chocolate frosted?
Janine
Oh, classic. Thank you.
You know me well, Mel-Mel.
Well, six years will do that to you.
Oh. Did you guys hear about the
ceiling falling in at Addington?
- Mm.
- And that building was built after ours.
- JACOB: Good thing our building's solid.
- Mm-hmm.
Morning, y'all. I did get finer.
We don't have to talk about it.
And thanks to whoever
brought in these donuts.
I thought you did.
Now, why would I do that?
They were actually here when I came in
- to get my coffee this morning.
- Hmm.
"Donut Worry 'Bouta Thing."
JACOB: Oh, that place is great.
Remember I brought in donuts
for the last day of school last year?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, but none of us got any
because we were all determined
to clean out our classrooms
and get the hell out of here
before rush hour.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER SUBSIDES]
[SPITS]
Mr. Johnson, um
you cleaned out the kitchen
at the end of last year, right?
Yeah.
Wait, did you say last year?
Yeah.
Nah.
[ALL GROAN]
Be kidding.
Guys, this year is still gonna be great.
[CLATTER, BODY THUDS]
[ALL GASP]
[GRUNTING]
I wasn't living here.
Ooh, donuts.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
JANINE: A welcome back lolly.
Yay. [CHUCKLES]
Y'all know what time it is.
It's Development Day. [CHUCKLES]
Some of the, uh, "grown-ups"
are dreading school starting,
but let me be the first to say
"Welcome back" with a lollipop.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Melissa.
My lolly.
Barbara, you don't want a
welcome back lollipop, do you?
I'd love one.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm elated to be back.
At the end of the last school year,
I really found a groove
with the music class.
So I spent all summer lesson planning
and familiarizing myself with the music
that the students love these days.
I've just been re-energized.
It's a new chapter
in the book of Barbara.
Can y'all come take a look at
something real quick?
Like this?
I see we won't be having
any fun this school year.
Somehow, the stove got all outta place.
We cannot have the hookups
exposed like that.
Not my jurisdiction.
I'll have someone come check it out.
Oh, please.
You don't got to call anybody.
Step aside. I got this.
It just needs a little love.
The rumors are true. I'm in love.
His name is O'Shon,
and he works in tech.
You know, when we first started dating,
everybody was against us.
The district even fired me to
try to break up our relationship.
And Janine tried to keep me
from getting my job back.
But in spite of it all, we
we made it through.
♪♪
In summary, I go above and beyond,
because I'm in love and O'Shon'd.
Ava, for the dozenth time,
you really shouldn't show us that stuff.
It is an HR violation.
So is your shirt.
Okay. What else?
New counselor coming boring.
Oh!
Everyone, please welcome
our new fourth grade teacher,
Dominic Clark.
[APPLAUSE]
- Where do I know that name
- I don't know.
Dominic Clark.
Did you star
in that new Tyler Perry movie,
"Madea's Destination Wedding"?
No, Mrs. Howard, it's me Dominic.
I was in your kindergarten class.
[GASPS] Dominic. How could I forget?
You colored everything red.
Still do.
I'm just playing.
I don't do that anymore.
[LAUGHTER]
It's just an honor
to be your new colleague.
My new colleague
Hi, everyone.
TEACHER: Hey. How you doing?
Wow, imagine that.
My kindergarten student of
nearly whoo 20 years ago
is my new colleague.
Which is crazy, Barbara, because
you guys look the exact same age.
Yes, we do.
This is not gonna be good.
This is a minefield, okay?
That guy is going to set
Barbara back to old grumpy Barb.
Yeah, no. I am on this.
All right. Due to an increase
in middle school students,
Ms. Schemmenti will no longer
be teaching second grade.
She'll be moving up to teach
middle school math in homeroom.
[ALL MURMUR]
No, no, it's all right. I already knew.
And, you know, every app is
like sports betting these days.
So I figured this is an opportunity
for me to refresh my percentages skills.
And since there aren't enough
second graders for two classes,
Ms. Teagues will now have 40 students.
I, for one, am excited to see
if it will break her.
It won't.
It might.
Okay, now you're just doing crowd work.
We're gonna go finish
setting up our classrooms.
Yep. Development Day over.
Good job, team.
Well, did someone say team?
Who's the suit?
Oh, right. This paper skeleton is Craig.
The district sent him for some reason.
Uh, yes.
Good morning, Abbott Elementary,
and welcome back.
All right!
There it is.
Uh, Principal Coleman is right.
I am here for a reason.
The district thinks
Abbott is a very special school,
and we wanted to make it more special
by reaffirming
some core district principles
and moral guidelines
through team building.
[ALL GROAN]
This is a result
of their no longer trusting us
because of last year's lying.
Extortion of businesses.
Yep, and our annual tradition
of unpermitted shows and festivities.
Maybe. Yes.
So this is a punishment
couched in team-building activities?
Yes.
To show we're all one big team
and rebuild the trust
between the district and Abbott
that you all shattered,
I will be leading everyone in a day
of mandatory team-building activities.
So without further ado,
let's all obligatorily scoot
to the library!
- Whoo!
- I got work to do.
Oh, come on, everybody.
A few team-building games might be fun.
Oh, not games. Activities.
So, when I was in your
kindergarten class 20 years ago
Let me stop you right there, Dominic.
Oh. Uh-oh. Here we go.
Um, hey, Dom,
you should probably just
You know, I'm trying to keep my cool
but you got me so excited.
My former student is now my colleague.
Oh, what a blessed day to be alive!
Hey, Poindexter, whatever
this is, can we hurry it up?
Some of us got real jobs to get back to.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, to start us off,
you're gonna share
something people know about you
and something they don't.
So I'll start.
Uh, something people do know
about me is that I love my job.
[ALL GROAN]
Uh, something you don't know
is that I wear a cross,
but I don't believe in God.
But He believes in you.
I'm Barbara Howard,
and one thing you all know
about me is I have a very strong
and loving relationship
with God and Gerald.
Oh, but one thing you don't know
is I never used the Lord's name in vain.
Mnh-mnh.
Melissa.
- Sweet baby Jesus.
- It doesn't count 'cause it's a baby.
MELISSA: Okay, so, sure.
Uh, something that you know about me
is you already know everything
you need to know about me.
Something you might not know about me
is that I will smack you in the mouth.
Okay. Mr. Johnson.
Something you know about me
is I used to work at Chippendales.
Stop.
Something you don't know
is I swam an entire triathlon.
Well, that's just an athlon.
Wait, why swam?
Easier than riding a kite.
- Oh
- I think you mean a bike.
I wouldn't know, never rode one.
That's why I swam the whole thing.
What do you mean you never rode one?
You have a Tour de France
trophy in your closet.
Yeah, that's for coaching,
which you'd know if you
if you took the time to admire it.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but w-what's that smell?
- Oh, I love this game.
- Oh. Yeah.
Uh, it smells like dead squirrel.
No, it's raccoons. It's raccoons.
Oh, no. I-I know what that smell is.
It's Morton! [LAUGHS]
It's not me.
Although it does smell like gas.
I told you, a professional
needs to look at that stove.
It probably is Morton's nasty
ass, but I'll go check it out.
Well, I smell
a little somethin' somethin',
but nothing too crazy, right?
[GAS HISSING]
Right?
[THUD]
Oh, damn.
Oh, damn!
Okay, who would like to go next?
Nobody panic, but I'ma need
everybody to lead with love
outside.
Immediately. Lovingly.
Did I mention I was in love?
Who else got something to live for?
- What?
- Let's go. Come on.
All right, so the district
will have someone out here
to fix the gas leak.
But what it won't be able to fix
is the fractured moral
infrastructure of this school.
Now, split up into five groups.
Each one will have a different activity
that I will walk you through.
[ALL GROAN]
Look, the sooner we finish this,
the sooner you'll be able
to get back to your day.
All right, so what is this,
some kind of metaphor about
how we need to jump-start
our school year?
No, I just didn't realize
how many people there would be,
and those were in my trunk.
You are welcome to come to me
with any problem or concern,
big or small.
I am here to help.
She does have an office hour, though,
so you might want to, you know,
store a bunch of problems
over several weeks.
But if I'm in the office,
those hours are open.
In fact, let me just give you my cell.
What the heck? Just giving
that sucker away for free?
What? You mad 'cause
your real mom left you,
and now your fake mom
is leaving you, too?
No, it's just Barb's
all happy now, which is great,
but this guy is getting the Barb
I had to work three years for.
Besides, I'm supposed to be
the recipient of her mentorship.
You know, the up-and-comer
to her veteran ways.
The Scrappy-Doo to her Scoobs.
Now he's Scrappy? I just
Ooh. Way to go, hoopers.
A fun new wrinkle is
to try with your eyes closed.
And what else is left up for grabs
in the Mystery Gang, you know?
Because Gregory's Fred and Jacob
is Velma and Melissa's Daphne.
I'm Daphne.
My God, Janine, your perception
is damningly awful.
My point is, who am I at Abbott now?
Who am I?
Hey, you know, I was thinking
about what you said
about the triathlon.
You really can't ride a bike?
Never had time to learn.
That is wild. You live such a full life.
I just don't know how riding
a bike got skipped over.
I worked a lot as a kid.
Well, if you want, I can
teach you how to ride a bike.
It's never too late to learn.
What about your group?
They're fine.
Gregory, um
which direction do I turn?
Uh, Gregory?
Middle schoolers, huh?
Surprised you didn't
mention it all summer,
since, you know, I teach middle school,
and, well, we live together,
so we see each other every day.
Well, what's to mention? Kids are kids.
The only difference is the math.
I spent the summer learning
to do that, so
[CHUCKLING] Well, there's
a lot more to it than math.
Okay. Preteens are very
different than second graders.
Eh, not really. Just add
a few years and puberty.
I talked to the older girls
all the time.
Well, talking is great. Talking is fun.
But teaching the second
you become their teacher,
you become their enemy, right, Morton?
They're gonna eat you alive.
Okay, no offense, but this
sounds like a you two problem.
Okay, well
you have no idea
what they're capable of.
Yeah. You want a taste?
Uh, gross, but yeah.
Do your worst.
Yeah! Craig, we finished in
what I can only imagine is record time.
- CRAIG: Amazing.
- Yes!
You'll never guess what level two is.
Don't tell me. It's reverse.
It's reverse.
Yeah! Look alive, people!
Reverse, reverse!
Okay, so I'm young enough
to be the ingenue,
but that's been usurped.
Barbara's doing the optimistic
and positive thing.
[LAUGHS]
There's not a grump on the first floor.
I could be the downstairs grump.
Now, see, if you had
a better personality,
you wouldn't have to search for one.
You could use that time to find a man.
Okay, you know that I'm dating Gregory.
That's still happening?
Sorry, I haven't been able to keep up
ever since I started dating
the world's only real man.
O'Shon.
Good for you. No one cares.
That was my attempt at being a grump.
I may have overshot it a bit.
All right. I got us a bike.
Okay, Mr. Johnson, get on up here.
Maybe not right now.
My knees aren't feeling so good.
You know, it's actually better
for your knees than walking.
Well, I forgot my baseball
card to put in the spokes.
All right, come on. No excuses.
Okay. I'll even hold on
until you get the hang of it.
[SIGHS] Okay, here we go.
Yeah. There you go.
All right. There it is.
Promise not to let go.
I promise.
- Pinky promise?
- Well, I can't now.
I'm holding on to the bike.
Ow!
Look, these kids are mean.
One told me, "That's
why your bitch left you, bitch."
I think you're overdoing it
on the B word.
I don't think he's doing it enough.
Hey, why'd you rat out your
brother and get him locked up?
What?! That never happened!
And scene. I was being a kid.
We live in a post-truth landscape,
and these kids hit below the belt.
Which is where you haven't been
touched in years, snitch.
[GASPS] Unless you count Sweet Cheeks.
You keep my son's name
out your filthy mouth.
And don't even think about
talking back to them,
or you will get written up.
Every day is like
an episode of "Scared Straight."
Take your shoes off!
Okay. Who are we in this scenario?
Everyone.
- You still got me?
- Hey. I got you, I got you.
JACOB: And you have to handle
all of this while teaching.
And if even one kid gets
the best of you,
that could be a wrap
for the period or the year.
Oh, no. Unh-unh, these kids
are gonna [BLEEP] respect me.
Uh-uh-uh! Don't curse.
They will report ya.
Yeah, I'll [BLEEP] report you.
He just cursed!
He can do that, you see?
He's a little boy.
Actually, I'm a little girl.
You ain't hard, homie!
- Ok
- Yeah, that's right. You ain't hard.
Just keep moving forward!
- DOMINIC: What?!
- You're doing great.
- Eight.
- Eh, seven.
- What are we doing now?
- Rating you to your face.
Have you ever been called a one
on a day you just knew you were a 10?!
- You're a one!
- One.
- One!
- One.
- One!
- Stop it! Stop!
- Stop?
- No, no, no. D-Don't stop. Walk forward.
- There you go. You got it.
- I told you.
- Turn left.
- Left?
No, no, no! Go Go right. Go right!
[THUD, CAR ALARM BEEPS]
Aaaahhh!
You promised!
You promised you wouldn't let me fall!
[SIGHS] Looks like we're
gonna be here all day.
Mm-mm-mm.
New year, same old Abbott.
Mm-mm.
No, just at the top.
Don't have to do it twice.
- You an organ donor, Gregory?
- Why?
'Cause whatever I break,
you're gonna donate to me.
And I like those shoulders, Gregory.
Well, today was supposed
to be about building trust
and working together as a team.
And the only thing
you accomplished together
is how to fail in unique ways.
Progress!
And now you get to start over
and do it again.
[ALL GROAN]
Well, I, for one,
can't stand this, right?
'Cause this guy sucks. You all suck.
And this whole day sucks. Right, guys?
Well, it may suck,
but if we don't finish today,
we can always come back on the weekend.
[ALL GROANING] No.
Hey, Ava. Listen, um, you know,
I was thinking about
this whole grade-switch thing,
and I think it might be better
if Janine did the swap instead of me,
'cause, uh, Sweet Cheeks
is afraid of heights,
so, you know, for him,
it's ground floor or nothing.
Um, no. Guinea pigs are from the Andes.
They're not afraid of heights.
All right, listen, I
A change this big, I just don't know
if I'm, like, exactly up for it.
[SIGHS]
[AS MELISSA] "Zero problem whatsoever."
"Bring it on."
"Those kids are about to get
a lesson in learning lessons,
and you can quote me on that."
That's what you said in June
when I asked you about this.
There's no going back.
Here. This'll cheer you up.
That's O'Shon shirtless in Wildwood.
It is.
No, actually, it kinda helps.
It sure does. [CHUCKLES]
Good job.
Hey, Mel. So, about before.
You were totally busting my chops about
how the sixth graders act, right?
- I knew it.
- MR. MORTON: No, we weren't.
And those were just the experiences
that I haven't repressed yet.
Morton
Sorry.
Janine. I could really use
a positive spin on my situation.
You're screwed.
You are not the two. You are the
- One.
- Girlfriend!
I have seen you handle
challenges far more difficult
than a bunch of sixth graders.
You got this.
Thanks, Barb. I appreciate it.
Hey, you wouldn't want to take
a shot at the sixth grade
this year, would ya?
[LAUGHS]
I'd rather retire.
I am so lucky to be around
such a veteran like Mrs. Howard.
Duh.
She's the greatest teacher ever. Right?
I just wish I could ask
her a couple more questions,
but I don't want to keep bothering her.
You think maybe I could text her later?
Oh, my God, we get it.
You have her cellphone number.
What'd you want to ask her?
Ah, it's pretty basic. I just, uh
Should I take roll as soon
as class starts in the morning?
Oh, no. 10-minute grace period.
A lot of the kids take
SEPTA. It's a whole thing.
I learned the hard way in my first year.
I'm sure I'm gonna have to learn
the hard way a thousand times.
Oh, yeah, you definitely will.
And you're gonna want to scream
and contemplate your life choices.
And it's all normal.
If you have any more questions
and and Barbara's busy,
you can always just ask me.
I appreciate that.
It's what I'm here for.
JANINE: That is who I am now.
I don't have to be a grump.
I can be me and be a mentor.
I'm gonna put the "me" in mentor.
Me-ntor.
The teacher has become the teacher.
I need to get out of the sun.
I just can't ride a bike, okay?
Look, they say you fall down
seven times, you stand up eight.
I gotta fall six more times?
Hey, how's it going over here?
Bad.
He's scared to get back on the bike.
Okay, well, I could help.
I'm a brand-new me. [CHUCKLES]
What do you mean? You sound the same.
Oh, you missed a whole thing.
I went through a bunch
of different personalities.
Landed here. Still sound the same.
- Oh, I'll tell you about it later.
- Okay.
But, Mr. Johnson,
I know you can ride the bike
because I believe in you.
I know what to do.
Uh, everyone, stop what you're
doing and come over here.
Mr. Johnson needs our help.
No, no. Please don't do that, please.
If we don't finish, you
have to come in on the weekend.
You look like a guy that
loves coming in on weekends.
Monday through Friday
the best days of the week to you, huh?
No. My weekends rule.
Yeah, okay.
JANINE: All right, let's go, Mr. J.
Yeah, what's the worst
that could happen?
I fall over and die.
Well, that's just fair.
Look, Mr. Johnson, if you fall,
we will catch you, I promise, okay?
All right. All right.
All right, everyone.
Ready to get back up on this horse?
Riding a horse is easy.
It's bikes I'm afraid of.
Hey, you got this, all right?
All right, here we go. Ready?
- Go!
- Come on, Mr. J.
- You got it.
- Come on, Mr. J.
Come on, you got it. You got it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah!
Go, Mr. J! Go, Mr. J!
I feel like we're starting
to lose focus.
You all need to prove your virtuousness.
Craig?
Isn't that what
we're doing right here? Huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, maybe this qualifies
as completion of team building.
- Wait, really?
- Yes.
Also, I have tickets
to the Ren Faire this weekend,
so I'm gonna need this to count.
Okay.
Fixed the leak. Good news
killed a bunch of mice in your walls.
Bad news it ain't my job
to get rid of 'em.
Worse news
I noticed you have HVAC issues.
What you mean,
like A/C and heat and stuff?
Yep. And you're not
gonna have any of that
if you don't get a specialist in here.
You got someone to handle this?
Well, I'm sure Mr. Johnson's
on top of it.
He's around here somewhere.
[SCREAMS] Gregory didn't
teach me how to stop!
Just use the handlebar brake!
It's a fixie. Just stop pedaling!