Animal Control (2023) s05e01 Episode Script

1
[FRANK] We all knew the risks
when we signed up for this job.
Every call is a dance
on the knife's edge.
So, why do we do this?
We do it for love.
For faith.
And also
For money.
Let's roll.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC]
We're here. Waiting on your signal.
This place stinks of crime.
Let's crack a window.
That's a great line.
Yeah, I heard him
rehearse it in the truck.
Nobody move! You're all
Absolutely adorable.
[PUPPIES BARKING]
Come here, guys.
Let's get you out of this puppy mill.
Ah watch your paws.
I got a lot of glass in my beard.
Gabby, Joey, Purnell, and
I will name you all later.
Backs against the wall, now.
Nobody move!
[VICTORIA] A pig in a puppy mill?
What kind of sick genetic hybrids
are you trying to create?
It's not like that.
The-the pig keeps the puppies calm.
You wanted to play God?
Well, now you're gonna pay!
A $63 citation for operating
an unlicensed breeding facility.
And there's something else
you should know.
There's a $5 convenience fee
for paying with credit card.
Who are you guys?
We are
- Frank and Shred.
- Animal Control.
Sorry. Give me another chance.
I'll nail it.
[VOCALIZING] ♪
♪
What saint did I punch
in the face in a previous life
to deserve Templeton as a boss?
The worst.
What kind of a monster makes you
clean grooming drains on the weekend?
There was so much hair.
It was like when I shared
a shower in a hostel
in Eastern Europe.
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- Why's your handbag screaming?
I picked up this little guy
at the puppy mill raid.
I think it's imprinted on me
and like, it's cute,
but also really annoying.
Oh, hey! Here's the beautiful couple
whose illicit romance
got us into this hell.
I know I don't technically
work here right now,
just dropping Shred off.
And I also made you guys some scones.
- Yay!
- I know you guys love them.
- Save it for later.
- Yeah.
Today's flavor, triple cranberries,
after my boyfriend's favorite band.
Yes, and take it from me,
this flavor will also linger.
This is just the kind of creativity
I can access now
that I have so much free time.
As much as I love
your journey of self-discovery,
when are you coming back?
My lady's suspension
hearing is in four weeks.
What? Oh, that's way too long.
No, I need Templeton to quit.
Maybe we set up a honeypot trap.
Victoria, you get all tarted up,
we catch him in an HR violation.
I think we just caught you
in an HR violation.
Fine, I'll go it alone. Old school.
I'll undermine his authority
at every turn
until he goes insane and then quits.
That's kinda what you
always do with a boss.
No, this is Frank Plus. Ad free.
No, Frank, you need
to get along with Templeton
and play ball until I can come back
and run the precinct again.
- Hopefully.
- [FRANK] I make no promises.
For this is the time upon us
when all good men must look inside
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]
I was just getting started.
Morning meeting in one minute.
Uh-oh!
Men, watch your back!
Sexual predator on the premises.
Can you not call me that, please?
'Cause I'm just in a consensual,
albeit currently litigated,
romantic relationship.
Okay, everyone inside,
unless you've been suspended.
Okay. That's me.
Um, okay. I'm-I'm going.
- [VICTORIA] Bye.
- You don't have to play me off.
This is not the Tony Awards.
It's sad clown music
'cause you're a sad clown.
I'm not a sad clown, Templeton.
I'm just a woman.
First time I felt bad for a trash can.
I can't even get the pig to eat it!
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- I'm sorry, baby.
Hey, did you try
one of Emily's scones?
You know I only eat these
when Emily is looking at me.
You'll be fine here, okay?
Happy Monday morning, everyone.
I hope you had an enjoyable weekend.
We were here snaking the drains.
Outstanding.
You also may be wondering why I have
such a big smile on my face.
No, but I am wondering if they
took your braces off too early.
Cool your beans, Frank.
Cool your beans.
It's because my new seagrass
rug has been delivered.
So, if there's any
one-on-ones in my office,
I will be insisting
you remove your shoes.
Especially you, Victoria.
I'd rather chop my feet off.
- I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.
- Uh, nothing.
- Shoes off. Got it.
- [SNORTING]
But it's not just about me
and my awesome new boss stuff.
It's also about you, too.
That's why I'm instituting
an update to the uniform.
A new utility belt.
Daisy here is gonna
give you a little spiel.
- [DAISY] Mm-hmm.
- That looks a little heavy.
It really isn't.
This belt has everything.
Binoculars. Medical gloves.
Oh, a tiny screwdriver
and a roadkill spatula.
But most importantly,
it has the revised edition
of the Employee Handbook.
A new foreword by yours truly.
Just basically my origin story.
Hey, uh
- Can I see that?
- Yeah, of course.
Inspirational quotes. Salty anecdotes.
If you're a delicate reader,
you might wanna skip
the Montreal section.
Yeah. Interesting.
[GASPS]
Wow! That's insubordination.
So, now you will all have
to skip lunch
and express the anal glands
of the sheep we picked up
at the petting zoo.
- What?
- No!
You can thank
your buddy Frank for that.
Aw, Frank!
Shaw. In my office.
Yeah, I got some stuff
to say to you, too.
Ah-da-da-da-da.
Your boots. Your boots.
- Wait, are you serious?
- As a heart attack.
Boots comin' off.
Out of respect for
the craftsmanship of the rug,
not your leadership.
All right, let's do this.
Oh, sorry.
We'll have to do this later.
Some boss stuff came up.
I just took my boots off.
You did.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Hey.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
Do you want this door open or closed?
- Open's fine.
- Okay.
Oh. So sorry. That's terrible.
- What?
- No, I wish
we had a choice, but we don't.
Mm-hmm. I love you too, baby.
I just got the most amazing news.
My mother-in-law is sick.
She was right!
You marrying Maya
will be the death of her.
No, she's gonna pull through.
She's gotta have surgery.
So, Maya's gonna take the kids
to India, help her recover!
No kids? Wow!
Whatever will you complain about?
I have no idea.
I'm sure you'll find something.
Frank's calling a meeting
on the secret channel.
- The goat's in the meadow.
- Nice.
The cow is in the corn.
Line secure, proceed.
Oh I'll proceed.
Frank couldn't be chill
and I missed my lunch.
That I will not abide.
This is all part of Templeton's plan.
He wants us to turn on each other.
Oh, no. Don't worry, we're not.
We're turning on you.
Yeah, and Emily was very clear.
She said to keep our heads down
until her suspension is over.
Well, Emily's not here.
She's at the quarry sourcing
new ingredients for her scones.
I'm just going to say it.
I think you're taking
this a little too personally.
This is not about me.
None of us should feel good
about where our hands were at lunch.
He's right, everything with Templeton
is getting out of hand.
He started timing our bathroom breaks.
No, he's not timing
our bathroom breaks. What?
Is-is that just me?
He's an intolerable perv
who has to go.
But I can't make him quit on my own.
We've gotta present a united
front of insubordination.
For this is the time upon us
when all good men
must reach down deep
Oh, shut up!
Fine, I'll do it.
I got a bad feeling in
my stomach about this, but
that might be the scones. I'm in.
Sorry, Templeton,
he's really not timing
anybody else in the bathroom? Just me?
Nope.
I'm in.
I figured out what I wanna do first
with my two months of freedom.
I'll tell you what it is.
In a-one, a-two, a-one, two, three!
- It's drums?
- It's drums.
I've always wanted
to hit the high hat,
but my parents wouldn't let me.
Then my babies didn't let me.
See, my family, they've always been
my greatest obstacle to joy.
Until now.
Wow.
Purchased.
Quiet! He's coming!
How are those glands?
Are the sheep all smiling?
We're good to go, boss.
That's the spirit.
Keep it up and I might
reward you with some high tea
in the boss's office.
Oh, I'd like that.
Okay.
Ahh!
[SHEEP BLEATING]
My seagrass!
[CHUCKLING]
What happened, did the sheep
not take their shoes off?
Of course it's you.
Having fun with the new boss.
Razzing El Jefe.
Is that the best you got?
Oh, you better find
the cool side of the pillow
because your nightmare has just begun.
I'm not gonna rest until you quit.
I guess you're gonna learn
the hard way.
You don't come between a man
and his rug.
I have watched
and heard you eat spaghetti.
There's nothing you can do to hurt me.
Are you sure about that?
'Cause your dream call just came in.
The Seattle Seahawks' mascot
has escaped to Pocket Beach.
Wait.
Taima is missing?
It's real! Adam Schefter reporting.
It's the kinda call you wait
your whole career for.
A chance to buddy up
with Seahawks players.
Season tickets.
Maybe become the practice
squad long snapper
and get subbed in last-second
in the Super Bowl?
Ah, too bad I already
gave the call to Daisy.
Eh. She'll appreciate the perks.
Listen, we both got heated here.
Too late.
You lost the call.
You know what?
You're right.
I'll help you clean the rug.
Okay. Thank you.
Hey, where are you going?
Play action pass!
I don't recognize your authority!
Get back here! That's a direct order!
Stand down, Daisy!
This bird is mine.
Templeton said I was getting the bird.
I don't care what
that bag of yogurt has to say.
And you shouldn't either.
Your friendship is unnatural.
Nuh-uh!
You are not wearing your
regulation uniform utility belt.
Don't need it.
Don't need a damn thing.
Actually
I need my net.
And sunglasses, too.
Maybe some water.
You know, and some gum.
Ugh!
What the hell?
Where's the latch?
It's hidden for your safety.
Should've paid attention
during our belt tutorial.
- It's so tight!
- It should be.
[BIRD CRIES]
Taima.
[VICTORIA] At least with Frank
and Templeton at war,
we finally get lunch.
[PIG SNORTS]
[PHONE PINGS]
Oh, just calm down. Calm down!
- Oh, God.
- Is that Emily? Don't lie.
She's bringing in
a mid-day scone basket.
- No.
- Let me tell you something.
You need to make her stop.
I don't know what that is,
but it's not food.
Can one of you guys
convince Emily that
I have an eating disorder?
[EMILY] I'm back!
Someone got inspired.
Okay, guys, she's really
into the baking thing,
and she needs this right now.
And who knows,
maybe this batch could be delicious.
Stop lying to yourself.
It's a new relationship, Victoria.
I just started lying to myself.
Hello!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- It's scone time again.
- Oh!
- Hi, baby.
- Scone time.
I'm calling this one The Shred.
Because you love olive bread
and you love blueberries.
What did you do?
- Just try one.
- Uh, maybe later.
No, now! I wanna see your face.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Here's the thing.
What?
I'm just really excited
to try one of these right now.
Aww.
Baby, that's so sweet. You really are.
- You're, like, shaking.
- Mm-hmm.
Frank's mutiny needs to be punished.
Get me a list of all the dogs
with rotten mouth.
All right. Okay.
Okay. Um, that was a close call.
Um, I-I better go.
Thank God. Really, you sure?
Patel, will you take a video
of him eating it, though?
I just, I really
wanna know what you think.
- Okay.
- Call me.
I'm not gonna let Templeton's
stupid belt slow me down.
I'm dropping ballast like
the brave men of Apollo 13.
You're kicking sand on me!
[CAWS]
It is an honor to capture
a Super Bowl champion.
[CAWS]
Please tell me that's me
from the future.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
Surf's up, Frank!
Life's a beach.
My, how the tides have turned.
Oh, just pick one.
Surf's up.
Hurry up. I'm not maternal.
I'm not gonna hold your hand.
Oh, my God.
Is that a dog grooming bandana?
'Cause you don't even have drums yet.
Dress for the hobby you want.
Stop! I feel sorry for you.
Hey. Sorry, uh,
could you help me out here?
I heard there's a big
puppy adoption going on.
Sorry. We're fresh out, so
However, if you would like
something equally as adorable
and currently just as small,
right now.
I do have this guy.
Aww.
Uh, are these easy pets?
Yes. Very easy.
They sleep all day
and eat your garbage.
You know what? I'm gonna let you
hold him, because
Look at you guys! [PIG SQUEALS]
That's a good sound.
He's super excited.
I'm gonna go get that adoption
paperwork for you to fill out.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
[PIG SQUEALS]
[CAWS]
[FRANK] Hey, Roman!
Hand over the bird.
I'm on official
Animal Control business.
That's funny.
That's why I'm here, too.
I don't know if you saw my Insta,
but I'm starting my own
private animal control company.
Look, if you wanna become me,
I recommend starting with
a trip overseas
for leg lengthening surgery.
Not everything's about you, Frank.
There's a lot of untapped
money in your industry.
Okay, just give me the bird.
You can't just start your own
animal control company.
- You need
- State of the art drones?
Driverless trucks?
Ta-da!
Sick sunbrella headwear.
[CHUCKLES] My startup
is going to be sleek,
tech-driven and innovation forward.
Look, I can save you a bunch of time
and just set your money on fire.
Pax Romana.
So, you've besmirched
the Latin language
and the memory of Emperor Augustus.
Your world's about to get very dark.
Just like yours, every time
you put on an adult-size hat?
Car?
Please take me to where
the Seahawks do their rehearsals.
Jealous?
Veni, vidi, vici!
Drone, follow and record.
Hey, was this plastic rake
on your belt?
Or did I just steal from a kid?
- You!
- Oh, don't you "you" me.
Your pudgy little finger.
I just lost the most important
bird in my life.
Daisy said you let a private
animal control company best you.
It's not a real company.
It was just Roman.
And I would've caught Taima
if you hadn't made me
wear a Home Depot around my waist.
Come on, Roman's had
a jump on you ever since
your sheep insurrection plan fizzled.
History will be kind.
It was symbolic.
It got its message across.
- Which was?
- Your rules
like you buying birth control,
are sad and pointless.
You know your rank
insubordination is the rot
at the heart of this precinct.
Somebody needs
to do something about you.
I'd like to see somebody try.
Well, somebody's about to.
I challenge you to a fight
in the kennel.
Doggy style.
- And if you win
- I will.
I'll step down as your supervisor.
- But if I win
- Ha!
You'll accept your role
as my loyal underling.
My forever lackey.
- My biznotch.
- You're on.
I can't wait to tell your
parents that their son's
last word was biznotch.
You know, I hate to say it,
but this is what happens
when men are in charge.
A few ground rules.
Taint's off limits.
Unless it's a finishing move.
- No, thanks. No.
- That's not right.
Oh, good. You found a way
to make this even weirder.
Oil wrestling's not weird.
It's the national sport of Turkey.
- [VICTORIA] Okay.
- Oh, man.
Hurry up.
Let's go.
All right.
Cover your skin tags, T!
That's an easy hold.
Put that body on him, Frank.
Try to get a grip.
Get up in there. Yeah!
Didn't expect all the sounds.
Oh!
[SHRED] No, don't go into
his guard, Frank.
Kick out of it!
- Where are we?
- Flip him over!
- Oh!
- A hundred bucks
the dumb one loses!
[ROMAN LAUGHS]
Either way, I win.
Oh, this?
Just some thank you swag from
the boys in blue and green.
That should be my swag!
[IMITATING] That should be my swag!
- Finishing move!
- Stop!
Beating you idiots
will be easier than I thought.
We get it. You caught the bird.
Now you gloat. Okay
Time out! Time out.
That's not all I caught. For I
snagged my very own city contract.
What?
With the stroke of my
commemorative Sam Darnold pen,
I now officially
take over your friends
at Precinct 17.
We're in the middle of a very
important oil wrestling match,
and there's no way this city
is gonna allow you to take over
the whole east side.
It's just a pilot program,
but who knows?
Pretty soon
my company could take over
all of Seattle Animal Control.
I've had enough of you, Roman.
Take your shirt off. It's go time.
No can do, I'm allergic to most oils.
And look at you.
Just a bunch of Neanderthals.
But I'm taking Seattle
into the future!
Starting with my next post on Insta.
[SINGING] Drone!
Oh, my gosh. No photos.
Daisy, get the catch pole. Get it.
[LAUGHING]
Roman just keeps coming back.
I'm glad I'm shirtless
for this moment.
It's too ominous for clothing.
[LAUGHING]
Thank you for picking me up, babe.
You're welcome, baby.
Hey, I was, um,
just going through the trash
outside the precinct,
and look what I found.
I told the janitor
to empty the garbage off site.
Yeah, I mean, what's going on?
Do you, like, hate
my scones or something?
- Be honest
- Yes! Yes.
Everybody. And I've seen Patel
eat melted ice cream cake
off of a picnic table.
What do you mean, everyone does?
That was, like, a rhetorical question.
Why didn't you tell me?
You were just so excited about baking.
And I was happy you found
something 'cause you were, like,
really down when
you first got suspended.
Yeah, of course I was down.
I mean, my job is, like,
everything to me.
Other than you.
Okay. It felt like an add-on,
but I know your career
is very important.
Don't cry. It's okay.
You can take a baking course!
I'm not crying
about the stupid scones.
I just, I feel, like,
really lost right now.
I don't know, I thought I could
distract myself with a hobby,
but apparently I've just
weaponized baking.
Hey, I hear that.
But you're not lost right now.
You're who you've always been.
My lady.
Who I'm crazy about.
Okay? And you're gonna get
your job back in, like, a month.
Yeah, but what if I don't?
You will!
'Cause you're the most
incredible boss ever.
I don't know, you guys seem to
be doing just fine without me.
Are you serious?
Do you know that Templeton
oil wrestled Frank today?
Roman Park started his own
private animal control.
Betty spaghetti! What?
We are falling apart without you.
Are you just saying that?
'Cause I know you're
a really good liar now.
Lady at the DMV didn't even
blink when I said I was 5'11".
- 5'11" now, are we?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- When did you bite me?
- I don't remember.
Fog of war.
Look
Roman may look like a breakfast
cereal mascot, but
he's a real threat.
In order to save the precinct
[SWALLOWS HARD]
Just choked back some bile.
I think we
should set aside
our professional, personal,
and genetic differences
and work together.
I grudgingly agree,
but you gotta give Daddy
something first.
[FRANK GAGS]
Just bile again.
No more mean-spirited pranks from you
and your pack of yapping jackals.
No more dumb uniform accessories,
forced workouts,
or unsolicited backrubs.
Fine.
We win this war
then we finish this fight.
Looks like we've entered
into a coalition
of unpleasant necessity.
That's a word-burger.
Why don't we just call it a C.U.N.?
- No!
- You know what?
The Coalition.
We'll call it The Coalition.
Okay. What do you have
- Sorry. Still very slick.
- Gross.
I'm gonna go get that dish soap
they use on the oil spill ducks.
I don't know what's worse.
The guy returning this
super clingy pig
or me having to look
at that every day.
[PATEL] It's weird, his eyes
are following me wherever I go.
Hey. Pretty great, huh?
Next time you look up at God,
know that I'll be there
stealing your prayers.
Can't wait to see you
covered in bird crap.
Nah, I got some squeegee boys
coming in once a week.
Car? Peel out
at speed limit. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, everybody grab a rock.
Yep. Fresh outta the oven.
[FRANK] Three, two, one!
sync & corrections awaqeded