Ghosts (2021) s05e01 Episode Script

1
PETE: The reason I left was
because I had to go talk to Donna
to tell her that I can't see her anymore
because there's something I have to do.
- What?
- This.
Oh, my.
Something brought me
from the dirt today.
A presence most evil.
Although you know me as
a hardworking publicist,
I am, in fact, Elias Woodstone,
an emissary for the Devil.
- No.
- When you signed the contract to hire me,
in exchange for making
your dreams come true,
I secured your soul for Satan.
What's important for you is to relax
and enjoy what little
time you have left to live.
- Look out!
- (SHOUTING)
ELIAS: (GROANS) Rats.
Thought I'd get him on the first try.
Oh, well.
See you soon.
JAY: Sam? I'm afraid to use the toaster.
I can't live like this.
ISAAC: I know Elias showed up
and revealed that he had
tricked Jay into selling his soul
and is now actively trying to kill him,
but it was a lovely book launch party.
It's true.
It'll be pretty bitchin' as
one of Jay's last memories.
How is Jay doing today,
Samantha still on edge?
Yes, we're both on edge.
An emissary of the Devil
is trying to kill my husband
and drag him to hell, so
we're on high alert, okay?
It's DEFCON 5.
Oh, actually, DEFCON 1
is the most dangerous.
Not now, Pete.
JAY: Sam,
did the bubble wrap I ordered arrive?
(PANTING)
I'm gonna need you to wrap me up, babe.
Poor Jay. An eternity in hell.
I know what that's like.
I once spent a weekend in Boston.
(LAUGHS)
Jay, I don't think this is gonna cut it.
We need a better solution than
hockey pads and some bubble wrap.
You're thinking I should
put on my stormtrooper armor.
Gah, wish I had mithril,
which, as you know,
protected Frodo from an orc's
spear at the mines of Moria.
HETTY: Oh, I see,
he's intentionally trying
to shrivel your desire
for him in order to make
his upcoming absence
more bearable for you.
That's thoughtful.
I don't think the answer is that we just
keep evading attempts on your life.
We need to figure out how
to get you out of this deal.
How are Jay's fiddling skills?
(CHUCKLES)
Do people not get the reference?
"The Devil Went Down to Georgia"?
It's a phenomenal song.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on. "The Devil
went down to Georgia,
he was looking for a soul to steal.
And he was in a bind
'cause he was way behind
and he was willing to make a deal."
"When he came across a young man
sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot.
So he hopped up on a hickory stump,
and said, 'Boy, let me tell you what.'"
What's going on? Are the
ghosts concerned for me?
Uh-huh.
Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run ♪
(VOCALIZING FIDDLES)
Devil's in the house
of the risin' sun ♪
(VOCALIZING FIDDLES)
Are you tapping your toe?
Why are you tapping your toe?
It's just a nervous tic.
We're all nervous, Jay.
Thank you, guys.
(VOCALIZING)
- ISAAC: Hey!
- PETE: Yee-hah!
♪
What's going on here?
Small man fixing ghost
trap in quixotic bid
to circumvent deal with Devil.
If you're wondering
about all the big words,
Sam got a word of the day calendar
and Thor's been following along.
Thor never skip day.
Thor very ambidextrous.
He doesn't always nail it.
Jay, I was thinking, maybe we should
start pureeing all your food, you know,
cut down on choking hazards
while we're figuring out
this whole Elias thing. Wait.
What are you doing?
Well, you know, I was
thinking about what you said,
and I can't keep worrying
about Elias trying to kill me,
so I've come up with a plan.
And it is nuts.
I got in touch with Janis.
The Latvian ghost trap repairman.
And he talked me through
how to fix the ghost trap.
If I live, we're having pierogis
with him and his mom next week.
- Cool.
- Anyways, the plan is
if Elias kills me, in
the few seconds I have
before he drags my soul to hell,
I'm just gonna touch the ghost trap
and get sucked right on in.
So, in this scenario, you're still dead,
but instead of going to hell,
you're just stuck in a
little box for eternity?
No, just until you guys figure out a way
to extricate me from
the Devil's bargain.
Ask him about the tiny
furniture. It's crazy.
And the tiny doll furniture?
Well, I might be in there
for a while, and I thought
I might as well be comfortable.
It actually doesn't cost much to live
a luxurious doll's life.
He's lost it.
JAY: And check this out.
Huh? You never let me
have one of those in real big life.
I honestly can't tell
what he's rooting for.
Jay, I've just got to be honest here,
this seems like a terrible plan.
Well, it's the one to beat.
Uh, Sam, Elias Woodstone
is here in demon form,
and he would like to talk to Jay.
Oh, no. Jay, Elias is here.
Okay.
Let's just hear what he has to say.
Wait, wait.
Now I'm ready.
(GASPS) An eterna-cookie.
That's genius.
Hey. There's my partner in crime.
If kissing were a crime, which it's not.
Although arson is, and we did
almost burn this place down.
(LAUGHS) You're damn right we did.
So, how are we planning
to tell everyone about us?
Oh, I'd like to maximize jealousy,
and, ideally, it should
involve me singing.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I mean, I know it's not the same,
but when Carol and I got engaged,
we announced it in
the Kiwanis newsletter.
There had been a float collision
at the Rhubarb Days Parade,
so most of the other
announcements were pretty somber.
Oh. Well, maybe we
should just go downstairs
and tell everyone the good news.
We could.
Although, is it a little insensitive
to put our happiness on display
with all Sam and Jay are going through?
That's partly based
on some feedback I got
after the rhubarb tragedy.
Sure, I get that, it's just,
as far as everyone in
the house is concerned,
I professed my love to
you in front of everyone,
and then you immediately
fled the property.
Oh, boy. Yeah, I didn't
think about it that way.
Although, I mean, with all
this Jay stuff going on,
I-I doubt that's on anyone's radar.
Yeah, I guess you're
right. (SHORT CHUCKLE)
Leave the man alone, Alberta.
He's not interested.
(LAUGHS) I filled her in on the whole
"day of humiliation" thing.
We're friends now. We walk.
Well, Carol, if you must know
I can't take a hint.
Can't blame a girl for trying.
Is there anyone for her in the basement?
Creepy Dirk is newly single,
but he's pretty picky.
I'll do a temp check.
ELIAS: I'm here to talk about
the timeline of your death. Wait.
What is that?
It's an air fryer.
I'm looking for healthier
ways to eat chicken nuggets.
Ah. At last we come face to face,
hell spawn.
Who is this little freak?
SAM: Patience just came in
and is confronting Elias.
Seriously?
I knew I was right when I sensed
the Devil's presence in this house.
And now
it is my destiny to smite thee.
Oh, damn, it's about to go down.
She says she's gonna smite him, Jay.
Say goodbye, demon.
(GROWLS)
What's happening?
Is she shooting lasers out of her eyes?
Are there flames?
Not exactly.
Smite! Smite! Smite!
Smite! Smite!
Smite!
Is this your whole plan?
Just to yell "smite?"
ISAAC: I mean, it
does leave one wanting.
Patience, have you
ever done this before?
Well, not exactly,
but I just assumed on
account of my holiness
and his wickedness
Patience not need to feel ashamed.
Very ambidextrous effort.
- It didn't work, Jay.
- Damn it.
I mean,
yay, my publicist is saved.
This doesn't make any sense.
Patience. Patience!
ELIAS: Now, where were we? Ah, yes.
I am not here to kill you.
Okay.
Could be trick. I often tell
Dane, "Not going to kill you,"
but then I do kill.
- Very funny.
- ELIAS: I realized
it was unsporting of
me to take your soul
before I made good on
my end of the bargain.
I mean, you made a deal with the Devil.
You should get something in return.
So, in exchange for Jay's soul,
I promise to take him to
new heights of success,
to put him and his
restaurant on the map.
So how long, exactly,
do I have left to live?
Gosh, I mean,
a rise from obscurity to
the top of the culinary heap
could take decades.
Decades. Okay, I can work with decades.
No, I was saying it could take decades,
if I were a less incredible publicist.
But I pulled some strings
and worked my connections
and I secured you an appearance on
Good Hang with Amy Poehler!
- Wow.
- Oh, that's actually a really big podcast.
- Yeah.
- So what does this mean?
ELIAS: It means that I
fulfilled my end of the deal.
Oh, one more thing it tapes tomorrow.
After which you die.
- (GASPS)
- So, make it a good hang,
for it shall be your last hang.
(CACKLING)
I can't believe you
married this guy, Hetty.
I had two cousins to choose from.
And the other one had weird teeth.
(ELIAS CONTINUES CACKLING)
Big ol' bag of gorp, this is bad.
We got to come up with a
plan to save Jay's life.
And three clever anecdotes
for Jay to talk about on the podcast.
We've all heard the pasta story.
- That's not gonna cut it.
- JAY: Okay,
here's what I'm thinking
I fill a ziplock bag full of water,
put it in the ghost trap,
and now little Jay has a waterbed.
FLOWER: Wait a minute.
- The ghost trap.
- ALBERTA: Yeah, sweetie,
that's what it's called.
No, I'm saying what if we
trick Elias into going inside it
and hold him hostage until
he lets Jay out of the deal?
It's like what the cult
did to get that radio deejay
to read Bruce's manifesto on air.
A good idea undermined
by a disturbing example.
The ghosts are saying we
should try to trap Elias
in the ghost trap.
Interesting.
Either he lets me out of the deal
or we use the evisceration
function to destroy him.
But we can't trap a
demon in a ghost trap.
We need to get him back to ghost form.
- Mm.
- Right. How are we gonna do that?
ELIAS: Jay?
The Good Hang folks want to know
what you'd like for lunch
in the green room tomorrow.
I don't know.
Big Dill Double Sonic Smasher, I guess.
You're a chef, man.
What if I just refuse
to go to the podcast?
I-Is that some kind of loophole?
ELIAS: Sadly, it's not.
And, honestly, it's
just rude to Poehler,
who is lovely.
Speaking of lovely,
nice to see you again, Alberta.
Well, that must feel like
a nice shot in the arm
after the brutal public
rejection from Peter.
Still think you're a super lady.
TREVOR: Hey,
Elias seems like he's
really into Alberta.
Maybe we could use that to
lure him into ghost form.
- What do you mean?
- I'm just saying,
if Elias were made to think
he's got a shot with Bertie here,
he'd have to turn into
a ghost to make a move.
You're suggesting a
classic Hoboken Honeypot?
And before anything happens,
we make him come into
contact with the ghost trap
and, boom in he goes.
Sounds exciting. I'm in.
Oh, Bertie's about to get flirty.
SAMANTHA: The ghosts are suggesting
we have Alberta hit on Elias
to get him back into ghost form.
JAY: Interesting.
And her confidence isn't shot
from that whole Pete debacle?
Forget it. Send this man to hell.
She can do it, Jay.
- I certainly believe in her.
- Shut up, Pete.
PATIENCE: Well, I
come to bid thee farewell.
Following my failed smiting,
I am returning to the dirt,
where I shall live
out eternity in shame.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you.
- Ah.
- Wait, wait, Patience.
Are you okay?
I don't know.
For centuries, I've wondered
why God hath abandoned me
to this purgatory.
And then Elias came
and it all made sense.
I was kept here to defeat the Devil.
I think I'm here to entertain
others with my stories.
Have I ever told you about
the time I found a weird apple?
PATIENCE: It just doth make no sense.
A good and pure soul should
be able to vanquish evil.
SASAPPIS: Well, maybe
and don't take this the wrong way
it's possible that your soul
isn't so pure.
- Patience?
- THORFINN: Is true.
Patience spend much
time saying others bad
but not much time
doing good.
Oh, so you're saying
Patience talketh the talk
but don't walketh the walk.
Yeseth.
(GASPS)
Patience know what she need do.
Patience.
Now back to the apple story.
It was a red,
but it was a weird red.
No, he doesn't want something better.
He wants Sonic.
- (SIGHS)
- (CHUCKLING)
A man who goes after what he wants.
I wonder if there's anything
else he has his eyes on.
Excuse me?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) It's just
we don't get a lot of
handsome strangers around here.
Oh. I'm sorry.
- Is it hot in here?
- (CHUCKLES)
I'm not the best judge.
My condo is in the fiery pits of hell.
Ooh, a homeowner. (CHUCKLES)
Oh,
that's right.
When you're a demon,
I can't touch you.
Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
There's an easy fix for that.
(GASPS)
Hello.
Oh, my.
(LOUDLY): So you in ghost form now?
Indeed.
I believe you were
about to touch something.
SAMANTHA: No. You're
about to touch something.
He's in, Jay.
(EXCLAIMS)
ELIAS: What's going on?
You're in a ghost trap, Elias.
And I just hit the evisceration button.
You have five minutes to
release me from our deal
or you're toast.
Now I'm gonna wait for
you to say something
- and have Sam tell me what you said.
- Mm-hmm.
CAROL: Why is everyone screaming?
Who is that?
Who are you?
- Oh, no.
- SAMANTHA: Uh, Jay,
I think we have a problem.
It seems as if Carol is
also in the ghost trap.
Aw, crap.
Carol, what are you doing in there?
CAROL: Well, I was in the kitchen
sniffing baked goods,
and Jay walked in with
this strange little box.
I tried to poke my head
in to see what was inside.
Next thing you know, I'm
in this weird little room.
SAMANTHA: Carol, I was holding
the ghost trap for the last 20 minutes.
Why didn't you yell for help?
I must have fallen asleep.
There's this really
comfortable chair in here.
- Oh.
- BarcaLounger.
SAMANTHA: Great. She
would have been rescued,
but she fell asleep in your doll chair.
So I would have been comfortable.
ELIAS: Oh, this is rich.
You thought you had me.
Threatening to eviscerate me
unless I release Jay's soul.
But you can't destroy me
unless you destroy your precious Carol.
- I don't know about "precious."
- Three minutes until evisceration.
ALBERTA: Oh! Can we stop the clock?
Maybe we can just hold
them hostage for a while.
The only way to stop the
countdown is to let them out.
Or let them both, you
know (SNIFFS) poof.
- (FLOWER GASPS)
- Hetty.
I am just talking it out.
I mean, it would save Jay.
And it's Elias. And Carol.
Uh, if we had to choose two
ghosts to be eviscerated,
would we be anywhere
different right now?
- Really? Hmm?
- ELIAS: All right,
so Carol's not quite the bargaining chip
I thought I'd lucked into.
But we all know you don't
have it in you to
eviscerate an innocent ghost.
TREVOR: "Innocent" is strong.
She cuckolded Pete for
years with his best friend.
ALBERTA: And then she lied to
him about his entire career,
leaving him to believe he
was a legitimate travel agent
when he was actually an
unwitting front for the mob.
PETE: Some of those
trips were real. Although,
some, in retrospect, appear
to have been assassinations.
You can also just kind of
tell she voted for Nixon.
When you put it all together,
she is kind of a bad person.
SAMANTHA: Jay, the ghosts
are sort of implying
that maybe it's okay
if we sacrifice Carol.
Not all the ghosts.
Look, I know Carol is far from perfect,
but, deep down way, way down
I know there's good inside her.
I don't want to go to hell, but
I signed that deal.
I can't do that to somebody else.
Even Carol.
- Oh!
- Oh
You tricked me, Jay.
Not cool!
He went back down.
Okay, so
maybe the danger's passed?
Yes, I'm sure that's it.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Jay's life ends now.
Elias, please, just
Silence!
(GASPING)
Oh, my God!
- He's got the Force.
- JAY: Oh, my God,
was that the Force?
Not important right now,
but did Pete say
something about the Force?
- Yes, Jay.
- My man.
- Look out!
- (GASPING, YELLING)
(WHIMPERING)
- (GASPING)
- (MIMICKING LIGHTSABER SOUNDS)
- FLOWER: Is Jay making lightsaber sounds?
- It helps him focus.
He's practiced this in the mirror.
You're ready, Jay. You've got this!
- (GASPING)
- ELIAS: Your soul will soon be mine, Jay,
and, with it, my promotion
from vice president to
senior vice president.
With shared assistant.
Aah!
Just stop, Elias!
Say goodbye, Samantha.
Wait!
Would you accept another
soul in his stead?
What happened, babe? Why'd
he stop trying to kill me?
I think Patience is
volunteering to take your spot?
- No way.
- PATIENCE: It's about time
- Patience walketh the walk.
- Cool.
Let's make it official.
(GASPS)
Oh, wow.
Wow, you can really feel the heat.
Um, it's
- it's pretty toasty.
- JAY: Patience,
I'm so touched.
Yeah, I'm out.
This is just beyond generous of you.
Seriously, I don't know
- how I'm ever gonna repay
- Jay, she bailed.
JAY: Damn it. That
feral little dirtball.
All right, Jay.
Time to die.
I'm scared, Sam.
I'm sorry I signed that contract.
I give you my blessing to remarry
after a respectful seven years.
As long as it's not to Kyle.
I hate Kyle.
I love you, Sam.
I love you, Jay.
Not as much as I do.
- Elias, take me instead.
- Pete, no.
- No.
- Peter!
Jay's my best friend. He's
got his whole life to live.
Oh
Works for me.
- (GASPING)
- Oh my God!
PETE: Carol, what did you just do?
Something I should have
done a long time ago
done right by you.
Carol just sacrificed herself
to save Pete, who also stepped up.
Oh, my God.
All right, I haven't had
one since high school,
but I need a cigarette.
Carol, you didn't have to do this.
You weren't a bad person.
We were just
different.
Like donuts and donut holes.
- How do you mean?
- You know,
'cause they come from
different machines.
But it's all donut material.
No, I don't think so.
- Okay.
- Time to go.
Ta-ta.
Jay, you are officially free.
(LAUGHS)
PATIENCE: I was going to do it.
Uh, some could say I sort
of got the ball rolling.
(HETTY GASPS)
Well, this is new.
No, no, no, no!
What's happening?
She was going down, but now
she's getting sucked off.
CAROL: This is incredible.
Bye, Pete!
Bye, everyone!
Tell Baxter I'll wait for him.
Yeah, right.
Thank you, Carol!
TREVOR: Her sacrifice
must have been enough
to cancel out going down.
- Amazing.
- Hmm!
FLOWER: Wow, this must suck for you.
You were so close.
(CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS) Patience.
New recliner. I love it.
This is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Multiple ghosts just offered
to go to hell for you, sir.
Well, you had a tough week.
I thought you deserved some relaxation.
I'm so glad I didn't lose you.
FLOWER: I'm glad Jay didn't go to hell,
but I'll miss Isaac.
I'm right here.
Okay, well, if you're Isaac,
then who's Doug?
There is no Doug.
(GASPS) We lost Doug?
No!
Doug!
It's all right.
Everyone, we have an announcement.
Now that the danger has passed,
uh, we'd like to let
you all know that
Pete and I finally smooched last week.
(GASPING)
Oh! Sick!
It's just like the doll version.
That is amazing.
- It is amazing.
- No,
I'm talking to Pete and Alberta.
Apparently they kissed last week.
HETTY: L-Let me get this straight
you kissed Peter and then
he immediately
volunteered to go to hell?
No, that's not (CLEARS THROAT)
The two are unconnected. (CHUCKLES)
I don't like this narrative.
JAY: Ooh!
Real big life is fixing to be A-OK.