Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s05e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
MRS BROWN CACKLES
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
Hello there.
The bulb was gone in this lamp,
so I replaced it.
Now I can see how dirty
me feckin' frames are.
SHE CHUCKLES
Isn't it amazing
how one little thing you do
leads to another big thing?
SHE SIGHS
See what I mean?!
Yeah, I know how to fix that.
Done.
Grandad, can I get you anything?
No.
I'll run you a nice hot bath.
Leave me alone.
He's not himself.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
He hasn't moved out of
that chair for two weeks.
It's all right for you -
you only have to look at him.
I have to put up with the buckin' smell.
Hello, Mummy.
Buckin' "Mummy"?
Ask me how my day went.
Cathy, I haven't time for games.
The house has a fungal infection,
and I think Grandad is patient zero.
Just ask me, Mummy.
Cathy, what is this Mummy crap?
I answer to many things -
Mammy, Mam, Granny
Ma! That.
But never Mummy.
Wait till I give you a laugh.
What is this, Dermot?
Friend of mine is looking
to start a business.
Wants me to invest.
That's his business plan.
Er, Mammy?
You never asked me
why my day was amazing.
Er, Cathy, because I already know why.
You've met a man.
Whoop-a-dee-doo.
THEY LAUGH
How could you possibly know that?
Because you're miserable
most of the time
and when you're not miserable,
it's because you've met a man.
Wow. Well, that's lovely, thank you.
It's the truth, Cathy.
Oh, he's going to be the answer
to all your problems,
and you plan your life together.
And then he'll pump you
and he'll dump you.
And we'll all have to listen
to Enya for a month
while you survive on
a diet of ice cream and vengeance.
His name is Roger.
LAUGHTER
Roger the buckin' Dodger.
As soon as he gets what he wants,
he's going to head for the hills.
Mm-hm. It's not like that, Mammy.
It never is, Cathy,
till they get you in the back
of a Ford Cortina
..and they duff you!
And then all of a sudden,
before you know it,
you're walking home in the rain
with your knickers in your pocket and
And no shoes.
I didn't know Daddy
drove a Ford Cortina.
Shut up, Dermot.
I was talking hypothetically.
Roger and I are going to be
work colleagues.
Oh, stop saying colleagues, Cathy.
You've only just met the man
and all of a sudden,
you've changed, you're different.
You're even talking different.
Well, Roger wants to get
on top of my diction.
LAUGHTER
As long as you don't get on top
of his diction.
Do you know what?
Forget it. Forget what?
What were we talking about? Argh!
So, Ma, the proposal - gas, isn't it?
Ah, I like it, Dermot.
Well done, Buster.
How'd you know it was his?
The crayons were a giveaway.
Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Dermo thinks it's stupid.
Nobody's going to pay to
have their dog walked, Buster.
I would if I still had a dog.
Dermot, people are too busy nowadays
to be giving their dogs
proper exercises.
That's what I said, ha-ha!
Well, you already have a job, with me.
I happen to know a thing
or two about business, Buster,
and for that reason, I'm out.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
I happen to know a thing
or two about business, too,
and for that reason, Buster,
I'm going to make you an offer.
25% and I'm in.
Yes! Oh, thank you so much, Mrs Brown.
You're not serious, Ma?
I am serious, Dermot.
I think it's genius.
Ha-ha! Hear that, Dermo? I'm a genius!
I didn't say that. I didn't say that.
So this is how Einstein felt.
E equals MC
..Hammer.
LAUGHTER
Cathy seems in great form in there.
Yeah, well, we'll see when this
Roger fella dumps her. Ha-ha, ha.
Though she insists
it's different this time.
But is it? Apparently.
It IS different, Mammy.
Roger's looking to exploit
a gap in the market.
I've had a few Rogers
exploit my gap in the market.
THEY LAUGH
The podcast market.
Oh, sorry.
I thought we were talking about fanny.
THEY CACKLE
Podcast is the newest form
of entertainment stroke communication,
airing stroke broadcasting
to an audience
that can be local stroke worldwide.
There's an awful lot of strokes
in that, Cathy.
Is it a sex thing?
It's a type of audio programme
people listen to for entertainment.
A radio show?
No, podcast is completely different.
Roger's goal is to give
lots of different women
A lash.
No, Mammy.
A platform.
Everybody hears celebrities'
opinions on things,
but what about real women?
Nobody hears what they have to say.
Real women?
So where do you come in?
I am the host.
Roger said I'm really interesting.
And are you sure you heard him right?
Yes, Birdie.
Well, maybe he said something similar.
Yeah, like uninteresting.
I AM interesting.
And so's Maria and Sharon.
I've asked them to join my panel, too.
We're recording a trial episode
this evening.
Well, I don't know who's
going to listen to that, Cathy.
I mean, I'm your loving mother,
and you bore me to sleep.
This show will help women, Mammy.
SHE SNORES
Well, thanks for the pep talk.
Cathy, if you want any help
What I want and need is for you three
to stay as far away
from this podcast as possible.
Thank you.
I think we all know where this is going.
LAUGHTER
How we get there, that's the fun.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, that'll be Dr Flynn.
Birdie, get him in there, will you?
SHOUTS: Come in, Dr Flynn!
What seems to be the problem, Mrs Brown?
Him.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know -
maybe we should call a doctor.
Is he showing any symptoms?
Well, he's very quiet
and he's no get-up-and-go.
And he's developed an allergy.
Really? To what?
Soap.
It's sad, Mrs Brown.
Of course it's sad.
We all think it's sad.
Did you even go to medical school?
S-A-D.
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I've seen a lot of it lately.
We need to act fast.
Well, now, Doctor, I don't want him
pumped full of mind-numbing drugs.
Or do I?
If only it were that simple, Mrs Brown.
I think the best course of action
is a change of lifestyle.
Oh He needs vitamin D.
Take him out into the sun. Sun?
He needs exercise. Walk with him.
Walk?
Cook him a healthy, nutritious,
well-balanced diet.
Diet?
And even give him the odd massage.
LAUGHTER
Massage?
It's really all up to you, Mrs Brown.
Yeah.
What did he say?
Doctor says you're fucked.
But deep down,
in the fulcrum of my being,
I feel I have more to offer.
I don't have a fulcrum.
Yes, Maria.
Oh, my God, yes.
I can be more than just Maria Brown.
And in recognising that,
I somehow kind of
It kind of galvanised me.
Does that make sense?
What's galvanised?
Maria, what you said there
is just so brutally honest
and, I think, strikes a chord
with so many women.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, here's our producer.
Hello, Roger.
ROGER: Yeah, that sounds fine.
Yeah, let's take five,
get our ducks in a row,
shake off the old cobwebs, yeah?
Sorry? Take a break.
Oh! Thanks, Roger.
Was that OK, Cathy?
I hope I didn't ramble on.
Are you kidding me?
That was amazing, Maria.
I'm going to galvanise me fulcrum.
THEY CHUCKLE
Girls, can you believe it?
We're going to be podcasters.
Yes! I know! THEY GIGGLE
DOOR OPENS
DOOR CLOSES
What a load of shite. Yeah.
MIMICS CATHY: You were amazing, Agnes.
No, no, you were amazing, Winnie!
Oh, and Birdie, you were SUPER amazing!
I know! Here, here THEY LAUGH
ALL: We're going to be podcasters!
THEY LAUGH
Gobshites.
Who in their right mind
is going to listen to that?
BIRDIE LAUGHS
And the bit about underwear -
I was wanting to cut me ears off.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
"Why can't I get meself
a comfortable bra," she asks?
Because you're too lazy
to go into the buckin' shop
and try one on, that's why. Yeah.
Instead, they order them online
and then they whinge and moan
when they don't fit.
What happened to real problems? Mm.
When I was their age, my biggest problem
was having too many children
and not enough tits to feed them.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
Same here, Birdie.
I was like a walking dairy.
THEY LAUGH
I couldn't blink but
one of them wanted to be fed!
I remember once,
I went down to the village
and I went into the butcher's -
well, the people were staring at me.
I didn't realise
Dermot was still stuck to me.
THEY LAUGH
Hanging on for dear life!
THEY LAUGH
I remember that, Agnes.
How old was he then?
THEY CHUCKLE
What's that, Agnes?
I don't know.
Will I press it? No, don't!
Cathy'll kill you.
Go on, Birdie, press it.
She is not pressing that button.
I am.
Oh!
Hello! welcome to Finglas FM Live
with The Three Biddies.
THEY CACKLE
And what's your name, caller?
Er, Roger.
Hello?
Hey, Marco?
Would you pay me to walk your dog?
No.
Why not? I don't have a dog.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to buy a dog?
No.
OK, let's say you did have a dog.
You'd pay me to walk it
for you, wouldn't you?
Buster, I'd pay you
just to leave me alone.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Aw.
How much?
OK, let's go over it again.
Agnes, we've done this 100 times.
Winnie, we have to get
our stories straight.
If I've deprived Cathy of her
podcast opportunity, I'm dead.
And let me be very clear here.
If I go down,
I'm taking you two with me.
Hiya, Ma.
Mark, have you seen Cathy?
No.
Why? What did you do now?
Nothing, I didn't do anything.
Neither did I.
Here, what's wrong with Grandad?
Dermot said he's not well.
Dr Flynn said he needs
to get out of the house,
but the bastard won't budge.
Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mrs Brown.
A lot of my congregation
are suffering from it.
That's why they can't come to mass.
You keep telling yourself that, Father.
I don't know what to do with Grandad.
I could mention him
in my prayers, if you like.
Oh, thank you, Father.
Problem solved.
Did you hear about
Cathy's podcast, Mark?
No, what happened?
Well, you know Cathy was
worried Mammy would ruin it?
Like she normally does, yeah.
Well, as it turns out
LAUGHTER, CHATTER
Actually, here she is now,
I'll let her tell you.
Quick, girls, look normal.
Oh, champagne all round, please, Sharon.
I hope you'll all join us
in a little celebration.
Recording went well, then, yeah?
Very well.
Roger called it ground-breaking.
That's fantastic!
I'm delighted for you, Cathy.
And relieved.
SHE MOUTHS
I feel guilty, Mammy.
I was convinced
you'd find a way to ruin it.
Oh, so was I.
Me too.
Oh, thanks a bunch, girls.
To say I'm hurt is an understatement.
Where are they?
Where are my newest
podcasting superstars?
Over here, Roger. Hey, Cathy.
A toast to the latest
podcasting sensations, huh?
Agnes, you and those two other women
are going to be internet stars.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
She still looking?
They both are.
Just couldn't help yourself, could you?
It was a complete accident, Cathy.
We didn't know he was
listening, did we, girls?
I had me suspicions when
he said, "Hello, it's Roger."
LAUGHTER
Every time something good
happens in my life,
you stick your oar in and ruin it.
You three better not embarrass me.
We won't.
Now, where was I?
Son, you were at the bar
and then before that,
you were standing there.
What?
BOTH: You get used to it.
Now a podcast with all six
of you giving your opinion
and discussions will bridge
the generational divide.
You see, this has never been
seen before.
On one side, we have the modern woman,
full of vigour and exuberance
Don't worry, Cathy,
he'll get to you in a second.
And then on the other side,
we have wisdom, perseverance
And Mammy.
I'm telling you, Roger,
she will break you.
Well, she seems fairly tame to me,
like a little pussycat.
Meow.
Now, what is the topic going
to be for our first episode, huh?
Toilet rolls. Toilet rolls.
Why are they so expensive
all of a sudden?
Yeah, I'm not really sure Mammy!
This podcast will discuss major issues
that women struggle with
on a daily basis.
We should include
kitchen towels, though.
It's not consumer affairs!
Well, look, let's look at this
from a different angle.
What are the topics
that you discuss mostly
on a daily basis?
Social injustice. Politics. Mortality.
Penis.
You took that right out of me mouth.
BOTH CACKLE
I love it, Mrs Brown!
I don't know if we'll get
an hour out of it.
Lucky to get two minutes
out of most men!
Zinger! And everybody's applauding!
Roger!
We don't want our show to be about
stereotypical rubbish.
No, Cathy's right.
Women need a forum for
discussion and guidance.
Show me one woman that wants
to hear another podcast about sex.
Come on, Grandad. Oh
We'll just be going
as far as the garden!
No!
Grandad, don't be so stubborn.
Mark is just trying to help.
I'm staying here!
Hey, Ma!
Hello, son.
DOOR CLOSES
Hello, Buster.
So, how's the dog-walking going?
Ruff!
Very ruff, Ma.
Give us a hand in here, Dermot.
I'm giving it up, Mrs Brown. Oh
I didn't get a customer all week.
Wasted all our money on this crap.
Buster, you have a good thing
going here.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
How long did it take?
1,000 years.
No way. I'd be too old.
I tried to warn you, Buster! THEY GRUN
But would you listen?
No.
Dermot, he needs a mentor,
not a tormentor.
Business is about hard work, Ma.
I didn't get to where I am
today by walking dogs.
Do you hear Elon Musk in there?
It's pointless, Ma.
There's no moving him.
Pointless? It could be worse,
it could be The Chase.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
APPLAUSE
CREW: And action.
It's pointless, Ma.
There's no moving him.
Feck it, I was hoping to get rid of him
before the podcast starts.
Hi, Cathy.
DOOR CLOSES
Hey, Mark. Hello, love.
She hasn't said a word to me all day.
That's nothing, Ma. Maria hates you.
She actually said it.
I didn't mean to hijack
the feckin' podcast!
It was an honest mistake.
I know that, Ma.
But try not to cause
any more drama, will you?
Me? Drama?
Oh, my God!
What now? Grandad's out of his chair.
Buster, how did you do that?
I just asked him
did he want to go to the park.
Throw the ball, throw the ball!
Buster, never mind the dog-walking!
I think you've found your calling.
Really? What do you mean, Ma?
Dr Flynn said that
there's old people all over Finglas
who have Grandad's condition.
Buster, throw the buckin' ball.
GRANDAD GRUNTS
Buster, this is an untapped market.
You need to get the word out.
Like an advertising campaign
in the newspaper.
Dermo, shush. Business talk.
No, no. No, bigger than that.
And I think I have just the thing.
Buster, get out there to him quick.
He's pissing on me daffodils!
Ladies.
Er, can we get the talent
in here, please?
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Did you hear that, Cathy?
He called us the talent.
Oh, sit.
How do you want to do this, Rog?
Will I take the lead?
Absolutely not! I am the host.
I want you to think of this like
a football team, Mrs Brown.
Cathy here is our midfield maestro
pulling all the strings, yeah?
Are you sure?
Because she folds under pressure.
Will you shut up?
Cathy will distribute the ball
to all of you
and all you have to do
is score the goals.
So she does the donkey work
in the midfield
and I'm the out-and-out striker?
Exactly. I like it.
Are we doing
a diamond formation or 4-4-2?
It doesn't matter, Mammy! Jesus Christ.
It does if you're a striker.
The best of luck, everybody!
In five, four, three
The ball is in, and the game is on.
Hello and welcome to Debatable,
the new podcast made by women for women.
Ba-ba-da-bip-boo-boo! ♪
Seriously? We can lose it in the edit!
Continue! Well, let's just dive in.
What's the biggest struggle
facing women in today's world?
Potatoes.
What?
I don't know if you've noticed it,
but I've noticed this -
potatoes are getting smaller.
Finally, somebody has
the courage to stand up
and say what we've been
thinking for years.
Yeah, you get two or three
big ones in the bag
and then you get loads of little ones,
and it takes forever to peel them.
I just felt it needed to be said.
I think our listeners would
like to hear something
a little more highbrow.
Yeah, eyebrows are getting silly now.
LAUGHTER
Maria has nice ones.
Yeah. Yes, you do, Maria.
Are they pencilled in
or are they au natural?
I'm lost.
Can we get back to potatoes?
No!
Yes, Maria.
Well, menopause is
a difficult discussion topic,
and I would love to know
what advice the older ladies
might have to offer.
Yes, so would I, Maria.
So, how did you ladies
deal with the dreaded change?
I just got on with it.
That's it? That's your advice?
Yeah.
Yeah, you'll be grand.
The wine helps.
LAUGHTER
What are you doing here, Buster?
Oh!
SHE CLEARS THROA
And now a word from our sponsor.
We don't have a sponsor, Mammy.
That's what you said about the jingle.
Roger! You need to do something here!
We can lose it in the edit, Cathy.
Just continue.
Hello.
Do you have a hairy friend
that needs walking?
A dog or an old person, perhaps?
Question mark.
Well, have no fear -
Buster Brady Canine and
Geriatric Mobility Service is here.
Buster Brady Enterprise accepts
no liability or responsibility
for anybody lost or dead or
Please contact your doctor
before enrolling.
And now back to the show.
Ba-ba-da-bip-bip-boo! ♪
Talk to Mammy.
I would love some advice on something.
I have a friend, and her mother
is ruining her life.
Oh, that's a tough one, Cathy.
How old is your friend?
Oh, same age as me.
Is she an only child?
No, she has brothers.
My friend tries to rise above it,
but very recently,
she came to the conclusion
that her mother is a selfish,
manipulative tyrant!
Oh, the poor girl.
You know, it can happen.
Mothers can be cruel
without realising it.
Agnes
Shut up, Winnie, I'm talking.
She probably wants to scream
and shout in frustration,
but I say no.
Nyet.
No, no, no, Mamma Mia.
No.
Give her a hug.
Her mother'll get the message.
OK, I think that's
the perfect time to take a break.
Yeah, I think so.
I'm gasping for a cup of tea.
I wouldn't mind a leek, either.
SHE LAUGHS
I thought that went well.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Thank you for that, Mammy.
No problem, Cathy.
Oh, shite.
You all right, Agnes?
Roger?!
That soppy bit at the end,
we can lose that in the edit, can't we?
Here, do you know
the Finglas Dogs' Home?
I didn't even know he was away.
What about it?
I saw Buster Brady coming out of there
with about six dogs pulling on his belt.
He went past me like a stagecoach.
THEY CACKLE
So where was he?
Buster? No, the Finglas dog!
You should've seen the church
this morning, Mrs Brown.
Standing room only.
Oh, I'm delighted for you, Father.
Thanks be to God.
No, Mrs Brown,
thanks be to Buster Brady.
He arrived there with
lots of elderly folk on leashes!
OK, everybody,
just make yourselves comfortable.
Good boy. Go get 'em. He-he, he!
Mrs Brown, I have a surprise for you.
Buster, I don't want
a return on the investment,
I'm just happy to see you succeed.
Oh, what the hell is that?!
Grandad left that in the park.
Here, Buster, give that to Dermot.
He's been giving you a lot of shit
over the last couple of days.
Right, I'll see yous tomorrow.
OK. For podcast number two.
Yeah.
I'm glad he's back, Agnes.
Who? Grandad?
No, the Finglas dog!
SOFTLY: For fuck's sake.
Well, that's it for today's podcast.
Get in touch.
We love to get your questions.
Er, but Cathy, just before you go
SHE CLEARS THROA
..there's something I want to say.
SHE CLEARS THROA
Lately I've been thinking
about, you know,
how things sometimes
lead to something else.
Like everything you say or do
influences something or somebody else.
I'll give you an example.
I was in our local garage,
and I saw a man filling
his Escort with diesel.
I bet she died did she?
Shut up, Winnie!
He put the fuel in the car
and the car went.
And I saw Buster Brady,
who's a dog-walker,
taking the time to figure out
what was wrong with Grandad.
And, look, me, Winnie or Birdie,
we never intended to do a podcast,
and yet here we are.
Thanks to my daughter, Cathy.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
A mother and daughter relationship
can be tough sometimes.
I know over the years,
Cathy felt I treated her
like a child Well, Mammy
Let
And maybe she's right.
Because, you see,
I never wanted Cathy to grow up.
Every time Cathy's upset,
all I see is a little girl
holding her arms out saying,
"Mammy, pick me up."
She's too heavy for that.
The point is,
I think mothers
expect more of their daughters
than they do of their sons,
and I'm sorry for that, Cathy,
and for a few other things, too.
But I won't change.
To me, you'll always be
that little blonde child.
That's not her real colour.
I swear, Winnie,
I will buckin' kill you.
Standing there,
with your arms open wide, saying,
"Pick me up, Mammy."
And I will, every chance I get.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Right, let's all go home.
Mammy, you didn't press record.
No, I didn't.
Because that last bit was just for you.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Goodnight, Mammy.
Goodnight, love.
Well, you didn't think I was
going to apologise to her
in buckin' public, did you?
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE
Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
As the best mum of all,
she wears the crown
Mother hen watching all her chicks
Sassy old lady full of tricks
It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down ♪
Goodnight! She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
SHE CACKLES