Rescue Me s05e01 Episode Script
Baptism
Previously on rescue me Tommy hasn't had a drink in,like,what? Listen,jerry was a great guy and a great firefighter, so I got big shoes to fill.
Hey,by the way,feinberg has been making a lot of noises about you lately.
Ok,what kind of noises? Hey,calm down.
I'm gonna-- Calm down.
Run your narrow ass,I'm telling you, every second of every day.
You ever hear of section eight? Which means you're nuts? The meeting is adjourned.
Go! Tommy gavin around? Hey,col.
Hi.
Uh,he's somewhere inside.
Hey,col.
That's his daughter.
Verboten.
That means don'T.
You know,after that initial you know? I'll get a little bored, so I'll be able to hold on for a little bit longer, like-- You're basically saying that this is--this relationship is kind of doomed.
Well,aren't they all? He's a gavin.
He was born to hate.
Guys listen,this is good.
This will be,like,a natural break for everybody.
It just,you know-- Michael?Your mom-- she's passed.
Some people think that when you die,you--you see,uh,people.
And you and me both know that's bullshit.
I'm not seeing your mother or johnny or connor ever again.
I know that.
You die,they stick your body in the ground, and you're worm food.
Simple as that.
Death is a goddamn scary thing,tom.
We ask,father,that you welcome your servant michael james gavin into your heavenly kingdom, where he may rest with you for all eternity.
His time here is done.
His earthly concerns are cast off.
We offer you the soul of your son michael, a devoted husband,loving father, and brave soldier and firefighter in service to his country and his community with our love,our respect,and our prayers.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
The family asks you to join them at a reception at the home of janet gavin.
Thank you.
God,they sound so beautiful.
Yeah,I heard that song a million times.
If they could play in-a-gadda-da-vida, then I might be impressed.
I'm glad you're dead,you son of a bitch! Youdamn die,asshole.
You're gonna be late.
And make sure you walk your goddamn pony before you go.
I'm sick of taking care of him.
It's not a pony.
Yeah.
If that's a dog,I'm a pink gorilla.
King kong's got her panties in a bunch.
What? I'm taking him.
Civie thinks it started on the second floor.
There are squatters coming out,probably more inside.
Be a doll and get 'em out,please.
-Our pleasure.
-Thank you.
All right.
On in here for you,boys.
She's pretty.
Yeah,she sure is.
Let's go,folks.
Come on,room service.
Hang on,lou.
hello! We got her.
All right,take her down.
Hand her off.
-shit.
Shit.
-boys.
No go,guys.
Hallway just went up.
All right.
All right.
Hey,uh,chief,we just lost our way out of here.
You got building plans? You got stairwells on either side of the building.
Can you make it down to the other end? All right,we'll try it.
Copy that.
Boys,we're moving it down this way.
Franco,I got something in here for you.
yeah? Holy shit.
Beautiful.
Hey,sir? I need you to come with me.
I need you to walk.
Let's go.
Cigarette? I need you to come on.
Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
I think it's welded shut.
It's all good news today,isn't it? Hey,chief,we're all jammed up here.
We can't go down.
How's up looking? Negative.
Do not go up.
They're having trouble knocking this bitch down.
Security says there's a stairwell in the middle of the building.
It is unmarked,so keep your eyes open.
Let's go.
Masks on.
Masks on,guys.
-Holy shit.
-Keep moving.
Keep moving.
Here,sir,why don't you take a little bit of air,huh? You trying to kill me? Sir,I'm not trying to kill you.
I'm trying to help you.
I need you to stay with me,ok? Back up,asshole! Hey,guys,I got a situation here.
All right,frank.
-Nice right,franky.
-Thanks.
Help me get this asshole turned over,will you? Found it.
All right,head on down.
We're right behind you.
man.
Shit.
a dead end--just what we need.
I'm gonna check these windows.
All right.
All right,boys,let us find a door, or we're gonna have to breach a wall.
So,let's get looking.
Hey,found a door over here,lou.
Hey,guys,drop your grabs.
Get over here.
Help clear this doorway out.
I think we got a way out,chief, but keep that ladder coming.
Copy.
Guys,guys,move the shelves,not the boxes.
I told you guys.
-You didn't tell us that.
-You didn't say that.
-Well,I was thinking it.
-Well,next time,speak.
Don't think.
Guys,guys,guys,let's just get it done,ok? Well,they can always go out the windows if he's not gonna-- what are they doing? those monkeys are clearing the doorway.
All right,hey,guys-- Guys-- Take cover.
Get your grabs down on the ground,all right? What the hell is that? Lou,what's going on in there? Tom--I don't think we can stay here,tommy.
No shit,sherlock.
Lou,what are we doing? Turn this shit off! Hey,just relax.
Stay calm.
Somebody make it stop! Hey tables.
Tables.
Good.
Lou,the ladder's in place.
Can you make it to the window? Son of a bitch! Lou,the ladder is up.
Copy.
Jesus christ.
Somebody give him a hand.
Lou! Son of a bitch.
Hey,guys,check it out.
Real nice,tinkerbell.
It's pretty cool,huh? Get that shit away from me,man.
Half a ton of fireworks,and you go and steal the biggest, pussyest firework in the history of fireworks,short of the match.
But I like sparklers.
They'resparkly.
You know,and it's kind of cool the way the sparklers shower down, and it kind of hurts,but it kind of feels good,too.
Just remember they're not for rectal insertion.
You know,I know a guy in high school once stuck a roman candle in his ass.
And right when he lit it,blew a giant fart.
And? Nearly singed my eyebrows off.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No,he couldn't do the reach-around by himself, so I had to,you know,light it for him.
I'm lucky I'm not blind.
Or a proctologist.
I knew a guy in high school lost an eye to a bottle rocket-- tony marchesi.
Now we call him lefty.
Oh,yeah?I got you beat.
My buddy hector blew one of his balls off on cinco de mayo.
Ouch.
What do they call him now? Han.
Solo.
Right.
I'll tell you later.
Was this one of those roman candle out of the ass tricks gone wrong again? Yeah,except he pulled a bad candle.
The guy lost a nut and gained a second asshole.
Wait a minute.
The guy gains a second asshole,and you call him solo? Well,we called him two hole for about 6 months, but then it kind of healed up.
But believe me, the half a ball sack was not pretty.
He showed it to you? Kind of.
Looked like italy.
Kind of? Italy? Is italy,like,big? Bro,aren't you italian? I know.
I should know this stuff.
All right-- Quick quiz.
You got to pick one,you got to lose one-- ball or eye? Ball.
Or,no.
Eye.
Or ball.
I mean,if you lose an eye,you're not gonna see your balls, so what's the point of that? Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
I have the floor.
Ball--immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point.
I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one? Eye-- definitely eye.
Shawn? I ain't losing either, 'cause I'm not stupid enough to mess around with fireworks.
Them shits are scary,son.
This is a truck guy who's afraid of fireworks.
M-80s? Now,y'all know that's not,like,regular fireworks.
Them shits is like,uh,military-type stuff,right? That's not military-type shit.
When I was growing up,in the morning,in the summertime, that's how we started the day off--m-80s,ok? M-80s,bottle rockets,cherry bombs-- we had a guy who left the neighborhood and went to vietnam, came back.
You know what he said? It was quieter there.
I think I pulled a muscle in my neck.
-Hey,everybody.
-Hey,tommy.
How are you? A little late for your tour,aren't you,chief? I didn't get much shuteye last night,on account of a 4 A.
M.
Call from the marshal-- something about an impromptu fireworks display uptown.
Want to tell me what happened? What do you want me to say? Some clown was storing illegal fireworks at a warehouse.
It's not like we were waving flags and roasting weenies in the parking lot.
You know,you can't go storming every abandoned building like it's the goddamn alamo.
Listen,it's the culture of accountability,kiddo, so you better get your act together.
Let's have no more bullshit around here--no more crazy-ass crap.
Hey,tom,you been working out? Ye Lookin' good.
Thanks.
You know,I think he's over the whole section eight thing.
I think he's really taking a liking to me.
You think? Sure.
What?You guys don't see it? I'm serious.
Uh,what are you doing here? Nice to see you,too.
I decided to drop by and say hello to the kids.
That'Sfor wyatt -Oh,thank you.
-A present.
But we have rules now,tommy.
You know that.
ok.
The "drop by" days are over for a--what? Nothing.
Just So,just,next time that you want to play daddy for a little bit, -please call first.
Ok? -Well,I forgot to call.
-Can I come in? -No.
-Thank you.
-Tommy You know I brought your,uh,monthly little pile of cash.
-Thank you.
-Which reminds me, I hope you still have that real estate gig going on, because the way the section eight hearing is shaping up, you might need the money from your job.
When is the hearing? Don't know yet.
Still waiting to find out.
Where's katy at? She,uh-- No,she's at--she's at a playdate,which is why you need to call first.
Can we stop using the term "playdate," ok? A little tired of that--like they're on a date.
When was the last time you were on a date that involved puking and crying and somebody almost shitting their pants? Don't answer that.
I'm with you on the playdate thing,brother.
Ye.
Uh,tommy This is dwight.
Dwight,tommy--my ex.
Well,technically,you know,it'S we still have to work that out.
Gonna make things a whole hell of a lot easier for me if you did.
How are you? I'M good.
You're probably expecting to see that guy from janet's work-- that guy with the little cat eyes.
But-- Yes,right.
It didn't work out between the two of them.
--What was his name? Never shit where you eat,right? Yeah,we don't really have to worry about that sort of dating stuff at the firehouse.
Are you a firefighter? She--she didn't tell you that I was a firefighter? So,your name doesn't come up much.
Right.
We've been really busy.
Uh,ok.
Ok.
You know,I was thinking about being a firefighter at one point.
Yeah,I mean,everybody does when they're little,but,uh,even when I got older.
But then I was thinking,you know,you guys,what? You fight fires,like,once,twice a month.
The rest of the time,you're sitting around picking your ass.
I'm an active guY.
That wouldn't work for me.
No--no disrespect.
No.
None--none taken.
Is this guy a dick,or is it just my imagination? Time to go.
Hey,you have one of those spotty dogs? One of those dalmatians? Do you really let those guys ride around on the truck with you, or is that just bullshit? Oh,my god.
So,y-you're busting my balls on purpose,now,right? That's what we're doing here? This-- I'm just having fun,just having a laugh,trying to defuse the tension.
I know you guys do god's work.
I really do.
God's work.
So,w-what do you do,besides the defusing thing? Well,I'm into extreme sports.
I mean,I used to be an athlete--not so much anymore.
I'm trying to settle into a new gig.
Hey,pop a squat.
Oh,no,no,no,tommy.
No,no,no.
-You have that thing.
-What thing? You know.
You have that thing,tommy.
You have.
He has a thing.
-- I have a thing.
Ok.
Take it easy with the thing,brother.
Ok.
All right.
Get a doggy bone for me,will you? Nice to meet you.
I like dogs.
They do shit where they eat,though.
He still busting my balls? Mike, you can't give it away.
I can, too.
It's my inheritance.
Bro, who gives away their inheritance? Assholes.
-Shitheads.
-Yeah, shitheads and assholes--both of which you are, by the way.
But right now,you got a shot at actually changing that.
I don't like having that money,you know.
God,it's just a shitty reminder that my mom's dead.
Mike,you give the money away,your mom's still gonna be dead.
And you're gonna be broke.
And sorry.
Sorry that you didn't listen to your friends when they told you not to be an asshole.
-Or a shithead.
-See? no.
Well,I already promised the cancer society,you know.
Cancer society-- what's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000? -It's 150,actually.
-Really? You give the money to those guys,you know what they're gonna use it for? Research? Postage--to send letters out to other people to get more money.
It's a vicious cycle,mike-- not to mention the fact that they're never gonna find a cure,because there isn't one.
Because cancer is god's disease.
It's his way of thinning out the herd.
And it's cruel and mysterious,and no one's ever gonna figure it out, because that's the way god likes it.
So what am I gonna do with the money? I got an idea.
What if we get a place like this? You mean,a bar? A bar--a bar like this.
But why do we come here? It's a firefighter's bar.
Exactly--it's a firefighter bar,owned by a firefighter.
Mario says it's a gold mine.
It's,like,the best investment he's ever made.
All you gotta do is kick the old-timers out.
And the chicks,they flock to firefighter bars like geese-- Smokin' hot,drunk-as-shit geese just waiting to drop their panties for us.
Exactly.
And the best part is,once you get the chicks in here, then the guys show up,wanting to buy the chicks drinks,right? Mario says it's,like,8 bucks a pop to buy drinks,and these jerks actually pay for it, thinking that they're gonna score--which they usually do,by the way.
So,at the end of the day,what happens? We get rich and we get laid.
It's win-win.
Well,if I'm providing the money,then what are you guys bringing to the table? dude,I got my associate's degree from scranton,almost.
I would provide the business savvy.
You would be the money.
I would be the brains.
Got it? Wait a second.
If your dumb ass is the brains,then what the hell does that make me? Well,we're gonna need a bouncer,for sure.
I mean,mike's the money,I'm brains,you would be the brawn.
Wh-why do I gotta be the brawn? First of all,lou told me what you did to that bum in a fire the other day.
-Yeah.
-Nice work.
Secondly,you know,you're big.
You're puerto rican.
You're kind of scary.
I mean,who's gonna mess around in a bar with a big,giant, scary puerto rican guy standing in the door,you know? Except,maybe other puerto ricans,but let's be honest.
We're not gonna let them in.
Whatever,man.
Give me any title you want.
I just want to be around to watch you two humps sink this goddamn ship.
All right,what do you say,mike? As long as I get to name the place.
No.
Ok.
-You're in?Deal? -Yeah.
All right.
So,he's sitting there on the couch,right--the couch I paid for,by the way.
Doesn't even get up to greet me--sticks his hand in the air, like I'm supposed to cross the room and greet him like he's the pope or goddamn michael corleone or something.
Maybe he felt threatened or uncomfortable or something.
I don't know.
Then he says he was an extreme sports guy-- extreme prick is more like it.
Yeah,well,janet always knew how to pick 'em.
Yeah,well,I'll tell you one thing.
When I go over there next time,he better get up off his ass and come over and shake my hand.
Otherwise,I'm taking him outside and throwing a beating into him.
Did I tell you about the dalmatians? You want to go to teddy and ellie's tomorrow night? I don't know.
Well,listen,maggie found-- when she was going through some of your father's old stuff-- found a bunch of old home movies.
It'll be fun.
We'll have a gavin family film festival.
You gotta come.
Come on.
No.
I'm not coming funny.
Thank you.
Last thing before we wrap up--anybody want to volunteer to be a sponsor? We have some of our newer members who are looking.
If you like to help out,let's see some hands.
Why don't you get your hand up? What are you,nuts? I'm not ready to be a sponsor.
Well,you got some time clean.
I mean,come on.
You're solid.
It might do you some good to think about somebody else other than yourself for a change.
Get your hand up.
Well I'm already thinking about her.
Look around.
See if you see someone that you might want to sponsor you.
And after the meeting,you can all talk.
No,no.
I do believe someone's got an overdue book and should be punished.
I kept it for months.
What? I believe--you know,I'm not into this.
I think-- I think this is actually kind of boring.
-It is lame.
-This is good.
And I can'T.
I'm sorry.
He's just staring at us.
Get out of there.
Go.
Get out of here.
You know? Hit me with the ruler.
What? I've been bad.
Hit me with the ruler.
Come on.
Someone's been bad,i believe,and they need to be hit with a ruler.
Ok,good.
A little harder,ok? Like,draw blood.
Try to draw blood.
You know? You don't actually have to make me bleed,but just-- You know? I-I'm not into this.
I think this is--uh-uh.
I'm sorry.
I'm not into this.
I think this is stupid.
I'm going to take a shower.
I'm done.
Hello? Hey,col.
It's dad.
What,did you forget to look at the number before you answered? I was actually expecting another call--a very urgent one.
From who? That's the other line now.
You know,honey,I know this trick.
I'll call you back.
Bye.
Bye.
Was that him? He needs to know.
No,he doesn'T.
This shit is crazy.
I I think we just got to come out and just tell him.
I'm willing to tell him.
Baby,if that's what you want to do,then I'm not gonna try-- It's what I gotta do.
Yes.
How do you want me to dispose of your remains? Come on.
I'm not afraid of your pops.
Please.
Tommy and me,we have this mutual respect thing going,all right? And I just want to respect the respect.
You're the man's daughter.
And you're sweet.
And I know this.
I just rigged the trunk of black shawn's car with a bunch of fireworks.
When he throws his stuff in,it's gonna go off like mount vesuvius.
You know,feinberg's been on your ass ever since you came into this house because of your age-- our age.
He thinks you're too young to be a chief.
You're supposed to be establishing yourself as an authority figure.
You want to watch,or what? Yeah.
Hey,tom.
Hey.
You get a haircut? No.
Later,guys.
You're really looking good.
Heard you had a nice,quiet day.
We--we did.
Good boy.
Did he just "good game" you? Yeah.
Oh,you're so dead.
Aw,shit.
It's sheila.
Holy shit! I can't talk right now.
Oh,no,no,no.
I need to see you.
No.
It's s an emergency.
Are you on fire? No.
Well,I know you're not choking to death,because you're talking to me on the phone.
Although,I suppose anything's possible.
Are you being held hostage? Hello? Somebody called me from your headquarters about your section five thingy.
Eight.
Five,eight,big diff.
Uh,I need to see you right away.
It's urgent.
Ah,all right,I'm coming.
Do you know how much 2 years' tuition at nyu costs? It costs over 80 grand.
Right?That kid is not dropping out.
I do not know what the hell has gotten into damian.
All right,I know I'm not mother of the year or anything, but I thought that I taught him enough sense to know that he has to have an education.
He can't be a dropout.
What's he gonna do? He's gonna drive a goddamn garbage truck? Is this the urgent shit that you had to talk to me face to face about?--Yes,it is.
What about the section eight guy?Is that--yeah.
Bullshit,ok? Let me tell you something.
Damian's old enough to vote.
He's old enough to go to war.
He's old enough to make his own decisions.
All right? So,I you're texting? What?No.
Yeah.
You're unbelievable.
You know,you're always giving me shit about how my A.
D.
D.
-- I can't have a conversation with you without thinking about something else.
And meanwhile,you can't even enga -you're texting again.
-No.
I'm not texting.
I'M -What? -I'm taking notes.
Taking notes for what? My class.
What class? A drama class.
You're taking an acting class? I'M You're--and you're lying about it.
No.
I'm not--I'm not-- no,no it is a drama slash acting slash therapy class.
All right? All right.
Bye.
Just--sit down! Listen.
It's different.
It's a different kind of therapy,ok? He's what you call a psychodramatist--or a psycho dramaturgist--or he practices psychodramaturgy.
You staring at my tits? ye -psycho -Ok,all right.
So,um,it's about healing fractured relationships by reenacting pivotal moments in my life.
And it's about my issues with damian,with jimmy,and with my parents.
So,it's about me,really.
Not about--no.
Yeah,it's about me.
No,it is not about you.
Oh,ok.
That's great.
You know,um,speaking of issues, there's an issue of sports illustrated back at the firehouse that has my name on it.
-That's interesting.
-Yeah,it is actually.
It's very interesting,actually.
I think brett favre is on the cover.
What are you--are you gonna take a note about brett favre? Yeah,no.
I'm actually gonna take a note about how it's so not about you.
Ok.
Really?My tits again? I glanced.
Yeah.
Don't wear the necklace that points down at the I know how much you need me,and in know how hard it is to live without me, but I gotta think about what's best for me for a change--my wants,my feelings,my needs.
And I value our friendship,and I do want us to be a part of each other's lives.
But sleeping together is not something that I can do right now.
Oh,christ,tommy.
Don't be like that.
Whatever.
Will you just,for once,please just say what you feel? I don't think so.
Uhh,god!You are such an insensitive little bitch! I could totally just strangle you right now,tommy! I hate you! Tommy,I hate you! You suck! How did that feel? That felt really good.
Can we do it again? Are you staring at my tits? Tommy's staring at your tits.
Hey,lou can I get your ear on something? Yeah.
What's up? You and tommy--you're tight.
Well,if you mean we're close,yeah.
In terms of actual tightness,I can only speak for myself.
So,if tommy were to find out that one of the guys in the crew was doing something behind his back that he might not be so-- Oh,my god.
You're sleeping with colleen.
How did you know? I'm right? So,is that bad? I-it could only be worse if you were banng katy.
Tell me you're not banging katy.
Of course not.
I'm not banging either one of them.
Wait a minute.
You just said you were sleeping with colleen.
I am.
So? Well,we're sleeping together,but we're not,you know.
H,I see.
So,you're not,like No.
No.
-None of that going on? -No.
And if we ever do,I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
Well,so,what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you,anyway,for just seeing her.
I mean,you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Those days for me are over.
What,your "getting laid" days? Listen,lou,there's something you need to know about your man shawn.
I've tapped plenty of ass in my day--good ass,and usually pretty quick.
The quicker I tap it,the quicker I'm out the door.
I'm looking for a real relationship here.
You know,I want the sex to have value.
Well,your life's on the line.
That's valuable.
Come on.
You're telling me you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex? Not on purpose.
No.
Well this is on purpose.
The next ass I tap is the ass I marry.
That's sweet.
I'd like to see that on a sampler.
But I would leave tommy out of it.
It's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
Hey.
Hey,tom.
How you doing? Fine.
How is your day? It's good.
How's your day? Spectacular.
That's cool.
Um,did you see that catch that david wright made? It was,like,the lead thing on sportscenter? By the way--that,um,section eight review Yeah? Set for tuesday,3:00.
Try not to be late.
Tommy look at how cute tommy was.
What happened? Oh,my god.
Mickey,that's-- that's your dog.
What was his name? Her name--bootsie.
Of course,she had those little black feet like boots.
-Bootsie.
-Oh,my god.
Haven't thought of her in a million years.
Good dog.
Look at johnny.
He was always so serious,even as a toddler.
Oh,there's pops.
Hi,pops.
Look at that twinkle in his eye.
I miss him.
He always had that.
Tommy,you want to get the lights? Oh,boy.
He was a good man.
The besT.
Solid as a rock.
All right,guys.
What? You got nothing to say? Well--well I thought they were pretty cool.
I--I don't know what you want me to say.
Yeah,yeah,tommy,we all really want to hear what you're thinking and feeling right now,yeah.
Ok.
I think I'm watching a bunch of assholes get teary-eyed about maybe the biggest asshole in the history of assholes.
Ah-- Ok.
Uh,tommy,I really don't think that that is in the spirit of this evening.
Listen,I'm not one of these guys that thinks somebody's a saint just because all of a sudden,they kicked the bucket,you know what I mean? It's like when you would see those celebrities showing up on,like,david letterman and say, "oh,I'm having a baby.
" You know? Everybody goes crazy in the audience,like she just pulled a rabbit out of her pussy on live tv.
You know,it's not that spe--everybody has babies.
Everybody dies.
It's not,you know--what? So,what's your point,tom? My point is,my dad was many things--chief among them,for me,a giant pain in my balls.
I mean,you know,he never once told me,"hey,tommy,you know,I hear you're a great fireman.
I'm so proud of you,son.
" You know? "Hell of a hockey player,tom,from what I hear,even though I don't go to your games, and even though I could a couple of times.
" But you know what I mean? It's just--not even once did he ever say to me,"hey,you know what? Tom,you're a great baseball player,you know? You remind me a freddy lynn with that swing.
" That's because you're a pretty shitty baseball player.
That's not the point.
The point is,listen--46 years with this guy, and he waits until we're at a baseball game,and I get 6 innings of niceness from him.
I get 6 innings,and he gives me that much--finally,that.
that's as close as I got to some kind of a connection.
And then what does he do?Drops dead.
You know,it's so funny,because,you know,you could kill your own mother and hollow out her head and smoke crack out of the skull.
And then if you drop dead from a heart attack,they put you in a box and say," She loved her mother.
" Bootsie You know what?Let me tell you something about bootsie.
Bootsie was a bitch.
That's what bootsie was.
Bootsie was a fat-assed,shedding bitch.
That's what she was.
Remember when she used to shit in the pantry? Like,every 3 days,she'd go in the pantry and take a big,steaming bootsie-shit.
And then,you know,you watch tv, you go in to get a little something to eat,like some cheese-its or something, and you step into a pile of bootsie shit! Yeah.
Right.
But nobody remembers that anymore.
"Oh,bootsie.
" You know,why don't you all get up and go in the pantry and just piss and shit your brains out? 'Cause you know what? If you drop dead tomorrow,nobody's gonna remember that.
No.
We're all bootsie.
Good night,assholes.
thank god you're here,tom.
He's gone mad.
Well,jesus,christ.
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
And I'm here to tell you something--it's all a pack of lies.
So,you might as just well take that baby home and I don't know.
Stick him in the tub or something.
Don't worry.
It's just-- it was just bread.
Hey,mick.
Hey,tom.
You,uh,you want to go for a walk? Yeah.
This place is dry,anyway.
Congratulations on the baby.
All right.
So,let'S let's get going.
Come on.
You don't want to do that.
This is my bender.
It's over when I say it's over.
Lighten up,cuz,will you? Yeah.
That's the beautiful thing about the program-- take a tumble,get up,you dust yourself off,they let you right back in the club.
No penalties,no judgment,no fines--absolute forgiveness.
Yep.
Plus coffee and snacks.
Careful.
So,I come out of the house this morning.
There's this dog in the street.
Along comes this suv.
Bam.
I run over.
I scoop the dog up in my arms.
I mean,I run to the nearest vet.
Dog dies before I get 2 blocks.
So,I'm looking down at the dog in my arms.
And I start thinking of I start thinking about my bootsie.
Bootsie the pantry shitter? She only shit the pantry once,god damn it.
I-I'm pretty sure it was more than once.
Ok? I'm holding this dead dog and I look up.
I see this liquor store across the street.
I mean,it's glowing.
It's beautiful--like a sign from god.
Going into it seemed like the thing to do.
And later,I saw those people going into the church like sheep, and I just--oh,god,I had to tell them.
It's all a crock of shit.
Nobody gets saveD.
Now that I think about it bootsie shit in that pantry at least 3 times.
I'm telling you-- It was once.
Ok-- One goddamn time.
It was the fourth of july barbecue.
Remember,it was somebody's birthday or-- Oh,will you shut up? Please.
You know,it's like you said.
None of it matters what we do in this life, who we hurt,the damage we do,the lies we tell.
I mean,unless you push it to extremes--I mean,you're hitler on one side,you're christ on the other.
Nobody cares.
We're all just tiny specks of vapor in the vast,infinitesimal,filth-ridden slurry of human experience.
Ok.
First of all,I never mentioned hitler or christ,and I've never used the word "slurry" in my life.
All right? But I understand what you're trying to say.
You're trying to say that this is my fault.
That's where you're going.
No,that's not what I'm trying to say.
-That is exactly what you're trying to say.
-No,it isn't what I'm trying to say.
I bought the booze.
I went into the liquor store.
I made a scene at that church.
I take responsibility for my own actions.
But it is kind of your fault.
How?How is it my fault? If you'd just keep your goddamn mouth shut about my poor dog shitting in the pantry all those times.
"All those.
" "All those times.
" That's what I was looking for.
Oh,shut up.
As far as I'm concerned,"all" implies at least 3 times.
This is sad.
Look.
I may have overstated it when I said bootsie was a bitch.
There were times when the dog-- No.
I'm not getting any drunker.
I'm done.
Yeah? All right.
Let's go.
-Hey,tom? -Yeah.
-Did you hear? -What? Mike,franco,and I-- Yeah? We're buying a bar.
Uh,correction--mike bought the bar,and I'm watching garrity screw it up.
No,it's gonna be awesome.
And if you have any suggestions,tom,we're totally open.
Oh,cool.
Yeah,I got a couple.
You know,build it on the edge of a cliff, and go inside and start fixing it up,and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side.
Save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah,well,that actually is not gonna work,'cause we're opening it in the city.
I love it.
Enough is enough.
That shit ain't funny anymore.
Pretty funny.
Come on,you guys,huh? I told you to cut out this shit with the cherry bombs before you set this joint on fire.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Actually,it would be the fourth.
Yeah.
Look at that.
There's gonna be a visitor in the house.
It's a french lady.
She's a journalist-type person.
She's writing this big book about the tenth anniversary of 9/11.
She's been to a couple of houses,but she wants to talk to you guys.
Of course it has to be a chick.
We seriously gotta talk to this girl,chief? You don't have to do shit.
Talk to her,don't talk to her-- no skin off my nosE.
Insert the jew joke now,ok? Well-- Get 'em up there.
Let's go,guys.
Fire department.
Anybody here? Hey,check this one.
Hey,guys.
-Yeah? -Get that room? You got it.
Hello? You better hurry it up,lou.
We got water issues down here.
Copy that,chief.
What's up,man? My tank's all screwed up.
I don't know what's the matter.
Garrity!Garrity! Sean! Sean,are you all right? Lou,where you at?We got a problem.
Mayday.
62 truck.
Man down.
Garrity's down,chief.
We gotta get him out of here.
No,no,no,no.
You've got to get everyone out.
These hydrants are dry.
We gotta let this building go.
You copy? All right.
We're on our way out.
Double time.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Hey,by the way,feinberg has been making a lot of noises about you lately.
Ok,what kind of noises? Hey,calm down.
I'm gonna-- Calm down.
Run your narrow ass,I'm telling you, every second of every day.
You ever hear of section eight? Which means you're nuts? The meeting is adjourned.
Go! Tommy gavin around? Hey,col.
Hi.
Uh,he's somewhere inside.
Hey,col.
That's his daughter.
Verboten.
That means don'T.
You know,after that initial you know? I'll get a little bored, so I'll be able to hold on for a little bit longer, like-- You're basically saying that this is--this relationship is kind of doomed.
Well,aren't they all? He's a gavin.
He was born to hate.
Guys listen,this is good.
This will be,like,a natural break for everybody.
It just,you know-- Michael?Your mom-- she's passed.
Some people think that when you die,you--you see,uh,people.
And you and me both know that's bullshit.
I'm not seeing your mother or johnny or connor ever again.
I know that.
You die,they stick your body in the ground, and you're worm food.
Simple as that.
Death is a goddamn scary thing,tom.
We ask,father,that you welcome your servant michael james gavin into your heavenly kingdom, where he may rest with you for all eternity.
His time here is done.
His earthly concerns are cast off.
We offer you the soul of your son michael, a devoted husband,loving father, and brave soldier and firefighter in service to his country and his community with our love,our respect,and our prayers.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
The family asks you to join them at a reception at the home of janet gavin.
Thank you.
God,they sound so beautiful.
Yeah,I heard that song a million times.
If they could play in-a-gadda-da-vida, then I might be impressed.
I'm glad you're dead,you son of a bitch! Youdamn die,asshole.
You're gonna be late.
And make sure you walk your goddamn pony before you go.
I'm sick of taking care of him.
It's not a pony.
Yeah.
If that's a dog,I'm a pink gorilla.
King kong's got her panties in a bunch.
What? I'm taking him.
Civie thinks it started on the second floor.
There are squatters coming out,probably more inside.
Be a doll and get 'em out,please.
-Our pleasure.
-Thank you.
All right.
On in here for you,boys.
She's pretty.
Yeah,she sure is.
Let's go,folks.
Come on,room service.
Hang on,lou.
hello! We got her.
All right,take her down.
Hand her off.
-shit.
Shit.
-boys.
No go,guys.
Hallway just went up.
All right.
All right.
Hey,uh,chief,we just lost our way out of here.
You got building plans? You got stairwells on either side of the building.
Can you make it down to the other end? All right,we'll try it.
Copy that.
Boys,we're moving it down this way.
Franco,I got something in here for you.
yeah? Holy shit.
Beautiful.
Hey,sir? I need you to come with me.
I need you to walk.
Let's go.
Cigarette? I need you to come on.
Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
I think it's welded shut.
It's all good news today,isn't it? Hey,chief,we're all jammed up here.
We can't go down.
How's up looking? Negative.
Do not go up.
They're having trouble knocking this bitch down.
Security says there's a stairwell in the middle of the building.
It is unmarked,so keep your eyes open.
Let's go.
Masks on.
Masks on,guys.
-Holy shit.
-Keep moving.
Keep moving.
Here,sir,why don't you take a little bit of air,huh? You trying to kill me? Sir,I'm not trying to kill you.
I'm trying to help you.
I need you to stay with me,ok? Back up,asshole! Hey,guys,I got a situation here.
All right,frank.
-Nice right,franky.
-Thanks.
Help me get this asshole turned over,will you? Found it.
All right,head on down.
We're right behind you.
man.
Shit.
a dead end--just what we need.
I'm gonna check these windows.
All right.
All right,boys,let us find a door, or we're gonna have to breach a wall.
So,let's get looking.
Hey,found a door over here,lou.
Hey,guys,drop your grabs.
Get over here.
Help clear this doorway out.
I think we got a way out,chief, but keep that ladder coming.
Copy.
Guys,guys,move the shelves,not the boxes.
I told you guys.
-You didn't tell us that.
-You didn't say that.
-Well,I was thinking it.
-Well,next time,speak.
Don't think.
Guys,guys,guys,let's just get it done,ok? Well,they can always go out the windows if he's not gonna-- what are they doing? those monkeys are clearing the doorway.
All right,hey,guys-- Guys-- Take cover.
Get your grabs down on the ground,all right? What the hell is that? Lou,what's going on in there? Tom--I don't think we can stay here,tommy.
No shit,sherlock.
Lou,what are we doing? Turn this shit off! Hey,just relax.
Stay calm.
Somebody make it stop! Hey tables.
Tables.
Good.
Lou,the ladder's in place.
Can you make it to the window? Son of a bitch! Lou,the ladder is up.
Copy.
Jesus christ.
Somebody give him a hand.
Lou! Son of a bitch.
Hey,guys,check it out.
Real nice,tinkerbell.
It's pretty cool,huh? Get that shit away from me,man.
Half a ton of fireworks,and you go and steal the biggest, pussyest firework in the history of fireworks,short of the match.
But I like sparklers.
They'resparkly.
You know,and it's kind of cool the way the sparklers shower down, and it kind of hurts,but it kind of feels good,too.
Just remember they're not for rectal insertion.
You know,I know a guy in high school once stuck a roman candle in his ass.
And right when he lit it,blew a giant fart.
And? Nearly singed my eyebrows off.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No,he couldn't do the reach-around by himself, so I had to,you know,light it for him.
I'm lucky I'm not blind.
Or a proctologist.
I knew a guy in high school lost an eye to a bottle rocket-- tony marchesi.
Now we call him lefty.
Oh,yeah?I got you beat.
My buddy hector blew one of his balls off on cinco de mayo.
Ouch.
What do they call him now? Han.
Solo.
Right.
I'll tell you later.
Was this one of those roman candle out of the ass tricks gone wrong again? Yeah,except he pulled a bad candle.
The guy lost a nut and gained a second asshole.
Wait a minute.
The guy gains a second asshole,and you call him solo? Well,we called him two hole for about 6 months, but then it kind of healed up.
But believe me, the half a ball sack was not pretty.
He showed it to you? Kind of.
Looked like italy.
Kind of? Italy? Is italy,like,big? Bro,aren't you italian? I know.
I should know this stuff.
All right-- Quick quiz.
You got to pick one,you got to lose one-- ball or eye? Ball.
Or,no.
Eye.
Or ball.
I mean,if you lose an eye,you're not gonna see your balls, so what's the point of that? Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
I have the floor.
Ball--immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point.
I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one? Eye-- definitely eye.
Shawn? I ain't losing either, 'cause I'm not stupid enough to mess around with fireworks.
Them shits are scary,son.
This is a truck guy who's afraid of fireworks.
M-80s? Now,y'all know that's not,like,regular fireworks.
Them shits is like,uh,military-type stuff,right? That's not military-type shit.
When I was growing up,in the morning,in the summertime, that's how we started the day off--m-80s,ok? M-80s,bottle rockets,cherry bombs-- we had a guy who left the neighborhood and went to vietnam, came back.
You know what he said? It was quieter there.
I think I pulled a muscle in my neck.
-Hey,everybody.
-Hey,tommy.
How are you? A little late for your tour,aren't you,chief? I didn't get much shuteye last night,on account of a 4 A.
M.
Call from the marshal-- something about an impromptu fireworks display uptown.
Want to tell me what happened? What do you want me to say? Some clown was storing illegal fireworks at a warehouse.
It's not like we were waving flags and roasting weenies in the parking lot.
You know,you can't go storming every abandoned building like it's the goddamn alamo.
Listen,it's the culture of accountability,kiddo, so you better get your act together.
Let's have no more bullshit around here--no more crazy-ass crap.
Hey,tom,you been working out? Ye Lookin' good.
Thanks.
You know,I think he's over the whole section eight thing.
I think he's really taking a liking to me.
You think? Sure.
What?You guys don't see it? I'm serious.
Uh,what are you doing here? Nice to see you,too.
I decided to drop by and say hello to the kids.
That'Sfor wyatt -Oh,thank you.
-A present.
But we have rules now,tommy.
You know that.
ok.
The "drop by" days are over for a--what? Nothing.
Just So,just,next time that you want to play daddy for a little bit, -please call first.
Ok? -Well,I forgot to call.
-Can I come in? -No.
-Thank you.
-Tommy You know I brought your,uh,monthly little pile of cash.
-Thank you.
-Which reminds me, I hope you still have that real estate gig going on, because the way the section eight hearing is shaping up, you might need the money from your job.
When is the hearing? Don't know yet.
Still waiting to find out.
Where's katy at? She,uh-- No,she's at--she's at a playdate,which is why you need to call first.
Can we stop using the term "playdate," ok? A little tired of that--like they're on a date.
When was the last time you were on a date that involved puking and crying and somebody almost shitting their pants? Don't answer that.
I'm with you on the playdate thing,brother.
Ye.
Uh,tommy This is dwight.
Dwight,tommy--my ex.
Well,technically,you know,it'S we still have to work that out.
Gonna make things a whole hell of a lot easier for me if you did.
How are you? I'M good.
You're probably expecting to see that guy from janet's work-- that guy with the little cat eyes.
But-- Yes,right.
It didn't work out between the two of them.
--What was his name? Never shit where you eat,right? Yeah,we don't really have to worry about that sort of dating stuff at the firehouse.
Are you a firefighter? She--she didn't tell you that I was a firefighter? So,your name doesn't come up much.
Right.
We've been really busy.
Uh,ok.
Ok.
You know,I was thinking about being a firefighter at one point.
Yeah,I mean,everybody does when they're little,but,uh,even when I got older.
But then I was thinking,you know,you guys,what? You fight fires,like,once,twice a month.
The rest of the time,you're sitting around picking your ass.
I'm an active guY.
That wouldn't work for me.
No--no disrespect.
No.
None--none taken.
Is this guy a dick,or is it just my imagination? Time to go.
Hey,you have one of those spotty dogs? One of those dalmatians? Do you really let those guys ride around on the truck with you, or is that just bullshit? Oh,my god.
So,y-you're busting my balls on purpose,now,right? That's what we're doing here? This-- I'm just having fun,just having a laugh,trying to defuse the tension.
I know you guys do god's work.
I really do.
God's work.
So,w-what do you do,besides the defusing thing? Well,I'm into extreme sports.
I mean,I used to be an athlete--not so much anymore.
I'm trying to settle into a new gig.
Hey,pop a squat.
Oh,no,no,no,tommy.
No,no,no.
-You have that thing.
-What thing? You know.
You have that thing,tommy.
You have.
He has a thing.
-- I have a thing.
Ok.
Take it easy with the thing,brother.
Ok.
All right.
Get a doggy bone for me,will you? Nice to meet you.
I like dogs.
They do shit where they eat,though.
He still busting my balls? Mike, you can't give it away.
I can, too.
It's my inheritance.
Bro, who gives away their inheritance? Assholes.
-Shitheads.
-Yeah, shitheads and assholes--both of which you are, by the way.
But right now,you got a shot at actually changing that.
I don't like having that money,you know.
God,it's just a shitty reminder that my mom's dead.
Mike,you give the money away,your mom's still gonna be dead.
And you're gonna be broke.
And sorry.
Sorry that you didn't listen to your friends when they told you not to be an asshole.
-Or a shithead.
-See? no.
Well,I already promised the cancer society,you know.
Cancer society-- what's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000? -It's 150,actually.
-Really? You give the money to those guys,you know what they're gonna use it for? Research? Postage--to send letters out to other people to get more money.
It's a vicious cycle,mike-- not to mention the fact that they're never gonna find a cure,because there isn't one.
Because cancer is god's disease.
It's his way of thinning out the herd.
And it's cruel and mysterious,and no one's ever gonna figure it out, because that's the way god likes it.
So what am I gonna do with the money? I got an idea.
What if we get a place like this? You mean,a bar? A bar--a bar like this.
But why do we come here? It's a firefighter's bar.
Exactly--it's a firefighter bar,owned by a firefighter.
Mario says it's a gold mine.
It's,like,the best investment he's ever made.
All you gotta do is kick the old-timers out.
And the chicks,they flock to firefighter bars like geese-- Smokin' hot,drunk-as-shit geese just waiting to drop their panties for us.
Exactly.
And the best part is,once you get the chicks in here, then the guys show up,wanting to buy the chicks drinks,right? Mario says it's,like,8 bucks a pop to buy drinks,and these jerks actually pay for it, thinking that they're gonna score--which they usually do,by the way.
So,at the end of the day,what happens? We get rich and we get laid.
It's win-win.
Well,if I'm providing the money,then what are you guys bringing to the table? dude,I got my associate's degree from scranton,almost.
I would provide the business savvy.
You would be the money.
I would be the brains.
Got it? Wait a second.
If your dumb ass is the brains,then what the hell does that make me? Well,we're gonna need a bouncer,for sure.
I mean,mike's the money,I'm brains,you would be the brawn.
Wh-why do I gotta be the brawn? First of all,lou told me what you did to that bum in a fire the other day.
-Yeah.
-Nice work.
Secondly,you know,you're big.
You're puerto rican.
You're kind of scary.
I mean,who's gonna mess around in a bar with a big,giant, scary puerto rican guy standing in the door,you know? Except,maybe other puerto ricans,but let's be honest.
We're not gonna let them in.
Whatever,man.
Give me any title you want.
I just want to be around to watch you two humps sink this goddamn ship.
All right,what do you say,mike? As long as I get to name the place.
No.
Ok.
-You're in?Deal? -Yeah.
All right.
So,he's sitting there on the couch,right--the couch I paid for,by the way.
Doesn't even get up to greet me--sticks his hand in the air, like I'm supposed to cross the room and greet him like he's the pope or goddamn michael corleone or something.
Maybe he felt threatened or uncomfortable or something.
I don't know.
Then he says he was an extreme sports guy-- extreme prick is more like it.
Yeah,well,janet always knew how to pick 'em.
Yeah,well,I'll tell you one thing.
When I go over there next time,he better get up off his ass and come over and shake my hand.
Otherwise,I'm taking him outside and throwing a beating into him.
Did I tell you about the dalmatians? You want to go to teddy and ellie's tomorrow night? I don't know.
Well,listen,maggie found-- when she was going through some of your father's old stuff-- found a bunch of old home movies.
It'll be fun.
We'll have a gavin family film festival.
You gotta come.
Come on.
No.
I'm not coming funny.
Thank you.
Last thing before we wrap up--anybody want to volunteer to be a sponsor? We have some of our newer members who are looking.
If you like to help out,let's see some hands.
Why don't you get your hand up? What are you,nuts? I'm not ready to be a sponsor.
Well,you got some time clean.
I mean,come on.
You're solid.
It might do you some good to think about somebody else other than yourself for a change.
Get your hand up.
Well I'm already thinking about her.
Look around.
See if you see someone that you might want to sponsor you.
And after the meeting,you can all talk.
No,no.
I do believe someone's got an overdue book and should be punished.
I kept it for months.
What? I believe--you know,I'm not into this.
I think-- I think this is actually kind of boring.
-It is lame.
-This is good.
And I can'T.
I'm sorry.
He's just staring at us.
Get out of there.
Go.
Get out of here.
You know? Hit me with the ruler.
What? I've been bad.
Hit me with the ruler.
Come on.
Someone's been bad,i believe,and they need to be hit with a ruler.
Ok,good.
A little harder,ok? Like,draw blood.
Try to draw blood.
You know? You don't actually have to make me bleed,but just-- You know? I-I'm not into this.
I think this is--uh-uh.
I'm sorry.
I'm not into this.
I think this is stupid.
I'm going to take a shower.
I'm done.
Hello? Hey,col.
It's dad.
What,did you forget to look at the number before you answered? I was actually expecting another call--a very urgent one.
From who? That's the other line now.
You know,honey,I know this trick.
I'll call you back.
Bye.
Bye.
Was that him? He needs to know.
No,he doesn'T.
This shit is crazy.
I I think we just got to come out and just tell him.
I'm willing to tell him.
Baby,if that's what you want to do,then I'm not gonna try-- It's what I gotta do.
Yes.
How do you want me to dispose of your remains? Come on.
I'm not afraid of your pops.
Please.
Tommy and me,we have this mutual respect thing going,all right? And I just want to respect the respect.
You're the man's daughter.
And you're sweet.
And I know this.
I just rigged the trunk of black shawn's car with a bunch of fireworks.
When he throws his stuff in,it's gonna go off like mount vesuvius.
You know,feinberg's been on your ass ever since you came into this house because of your age-- our age.
He thinks you're too young to be a chief.
You're supposed to be establishing yourself as an authority figure.
You want to watch,or what? Yeah.
Hey,tom.
Hey.
You get a haircut? No.
Later,guys.
You're really looking good.
Heard you had a nice,quiet day.
We--we did.
Good boy.
Did he just "good game" you? Yeah.
Oh,you're so dead.
Aw,shit.
It's sheila.
Holy shit! I can't talk right now.
Oh,no,no,no.
I need to see you.
No.
It's s an emergency.
Are you on fire? No.
Well,I know you're not choking to death,because you're talking to me on the phone.
Although,I suppose anything's possible.
Are you being held hostage? Hello? Somebody called me from your headquarters about your section five thingy.
Eight.
Five,eight,big diff.
Uh,I need to see you right away.
It's urgent.
Ah,all right,I'm coming.
Do you know how much 2 years' tuition at nyu costs? It costs over 80 grand.
Right?That kid is not dropping out.
I do not know what the hell has gotten into damian.
All right,I know I'm not mother of the year or anything, but I thought that I taught him enough sense to know that he has to have an education.
He can't be a dropout.
What's he gonna do? He's gonna drive a goddamn garbage truck? Is this the urgent shit that you had to talk to me face to face about?--Yes,it is.
What about the section eight guy?Is that--yeah.
Bullshit,ok? Let me tell you something.
Damian's old enough to vote.
He's old enough to go to war.
He's old enough to make his own decisions.
All right? So,I you're texting? What?No.
Yeah.
You're unbelievable.
You know,you're always giving me shit about how my A.
D.
D.
-- I can't have a conversation with you without thinking about something else.
And meanwhile,you can't even enga -you're texting again.
-No.
I'm not texting.
I'M -What? -I'm taking notes.
Taking notes for what? My class.
What class? A drama class.
You're taking an acting class? I'M You're--and you're lying about it.
No.
I'm not--I'm not-- no,no it is a drama slash acting slash therapy class.
All right? All right.
Bye.
Just--sit down! Listen.
It's different.
It's a different kind of therapy,ok? He's what you call a psychodramatist--or a psycho dramaturgist--or he practices psychodramaturgy.
You staring at my tits? ye -psycho -Ok,all right.
So,um,it's about healing fractured relationships by reenacting pivotal moments in my life.
And it's about my issues with damian,with jimmy,and with my parents.
So,it's about me,really.
Not about--no.
Yeah,it's about me.
No,it is not about you.
Oh,ok.
That's great.
You know,um,speaking of issues, there's an issue of sports illustrated back at the firehouse that has my name on it.
-That's interesting.
-Yeah,it is actually.
It's very interesting,actually.
I think brett favre is on the cover.
What are you--are you gonna take a note about brett favre? Yeah,no.
I'm actually gonna take a note about how it's so not about you.
Ok.
Really?My tits again? I glanced.
Yeah.
Don't wear the necklace that points down at the I know how much you need me,and in know how hard it is to live without me, but I gotta think about what's best for me for a change--my wants,my feelings,my needs.
And I value our friendship,and I do want us to be a part of each other's lives.
But sleeping together is not something that I can do right now.
Oh,christ,tommy.
Don't be like that.
Whatever.
Will you just,for once,please just say what you feel? I don't think so.
Uhh,god!You are such an insensitive little bitch! I could totally just strangle you right now,tommy! I hate you! Tommy,I hate you! You suck! How did that feel? That felt really good.
Can we do it again? Are you staring at my tits? Tommy's staring at your tits.
Hey,lou can I get your ear on something? Yeah.
What's up? You and tommy--you're tight.
Well,if you mean we're close,yeah.
In terms of actual tightness,I can only speak for myself.
So,if tommy were to find out that one of the guys in the crew was doing something behind his back that he might not be so-- Oh,my god.
You're sleeping with colleen.
How did you know? I'm right? So,is that bad? I-it could only be worse if you were banng katy.
Tell me you're not banging katy.
Of course not.
I'm not banging either one of them.
Wait a minute.
You just said you were sleeping with colleen.
I am.
So? Well,we're sleeping together,but we're not,you know.
H,I see.
So,you're not,like No.
No.
-None of that going on? -No.
And if we ever do,I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
Well,so,what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you,anyway,for just seeing her.
I mean,you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Those days for me are over.
What,your "getting laid" days? Listen,lou,there's something you need to know about your man shawn.
I've tapped plenty of ass in my day--good ass,and usually pretty quick.
The quicker I tap it,the quicker I'm out the door.
I'm looking for a real relationship here.
You know,I want the sex to have value.
Well,your life's on the line.
That's valuable.
Come on.
You're telling me you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex? Not on purpose.
No.
Well this is on purpose.
The next ass I tap is the ass I marry.
That's sweet.
I'd like to see that on a sampler.
But I would leave tommy out of it.
It's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
Hey.
Hey,tom.
How you doing? Fine.
How is your day? It's good.
How's your day? Spectacular.
That's cool.
Um,did you see that catch that david wright made? It was,like,the lead thing on sportscenter? By the way--that,um,section eight review Yeah? Set for tuesday,3:00.
Try not to be late.
Tommy look at how cute tommy was.
What happened? Oh,my god.
Mickey,that's-- that's your dog.
What was his name? Her name--bootsie.
Of course,she had those little black feet like boots.
-Bootsie.
-Oh,my god.
Haven't thought of her in a million years.
Good dog.
Look at johnny.
He was always so serious,even as a toddler.
Oh,there's pops.
Hi,pops.
Look at that twinkle in his eye.
I miss him.
He always had that.
Tommy,you want to get the lights? Oh,boy.
He was a good man.
The besT.
Solid as a rock.
All right,guys.
What? You got nothing to say? Well--well I thought they were pretty cool.
I--I don't know what you want me to say.
Yeah,yeah,tommy,we all really want to hear what you're thinking and feeling right now,yeah.
Ok.
I think I'm watching a bunch of assholes get teary-eyed about maybe the biggest asshole in the history of assholes.
Ah-- Ok.
Uh,tommy,I really don't think that that is in the spirit of this evening.
Listen,I'm not one of these guys that thinks somebody's a saint just because all of a sudden,they kicked the bucket,you know what I mean? It's like when you would see those celebrities showing up on,like,david letterman and say, "oh,I'm having a baby.
" You know? Everybody goes crazy in the audience,like she just pulled a rabbit out of her pussy on live tv.
You know,it's not that spe--everybody has babies.
Everybody dies.
It's not,you know--what? So,what's your point,tom? My point is,my dad was many things--chief among them,for me,a giant pain in my balls.
I mean,you know,he never once told me,"hey,tommy,you know,I hear you're a great fireman.
I'm so proud of you,son.
" You know? "Hell of a hockey player,tom,from what I hear,even though I don't go to your games, and even though I could a couple of times.
" But you know what I mean? It's just--not even once did he ever say to me,"hey,you know what? Tom,you're a great baseball player,you know? You remind me a freddy lynn with that swing.
" That's because you're a pretty shitty baseball player.
That's not the point.
The point is,listen--46 years with this guy, and he waits until we're at a baseball game,and I get 6 innings of niceness from him.
I get 6 innings,and he gives me that much--finally,that.
that's as close as I got to some kind of a connection.
And then what does he do?Drops dead.
You know,it's so funny,because,you know,you could kill your own mother and hollow out her head and smoke crack out of the skull.
And then if you drop dead from a heart attack,they put you in a box and say," She loved her mother.
" Bootsie You know what?Let me tell you something about bootsie.
Bootsie was a bitch.
That's what bootsie was.
Bootsie was a fat-assed,shedding bitch.
That's what she was.
Remember when she used to shit in the pantry? Like,every 3 days,she'd go in the pantry and take a big,steaming bootsie-shit.
And then,you know,you watch tv, you go in to get a little something to eat,like some cheese-its or something, and you step into a pile of bootsie shit! Yeah.
Right.
But nobody remembers that anymore.
"Oh,bootsie.
" You know,why don't you all get up and go in the pantry and just piss and shit your brains out? 'Cause you know what? If you drop dead tomorrow,nobody's gonna remember that.
No.
We're all bootsie.
Good night,assholes.
thank god you're here,tom.
He's gone mad.
Well,jesus,christ.
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
And I'm here to tell you something--it's all a pack of lies.
So,you might as just well take that baby home and I don't know.
Stick him in the tub or something.
Don't worry.
It's just-- it was just bread.
Hey,mick.
Hey,tom.
You,uh,you want to go for a walk? Yeah.
This place is dry,anyway.
Congratulations on the baby.
All right.
So,let'S let's get going.
Come on.
You don't want to do that.
This is my bender.
It's over when I say it's over.
Lighten up,cuz,will you? Yeah.
That's the beautiful thing about the program-- take a tumble,get up,you dust yourself off,they let you right back in the club.
No penalties,no judgment,no fines--absolute forgiveness.
Yep.
Plus coffee and snacks.
Careful.
So,I come out of the house this morning.
There's this dog in the street.
Along comes this suv.
Bam.
I run over.
I scoop the dog up in my arms.
I mean,I run to the nearest vet.
Dog dies before I get 2 blocks.
So,I'm looking down at the dog in my arms.
And I start thinking of I start thinking about my bootsie.
Bootsie the pantry shitter? She only shit the pantry once,god damn it.
I-I'm pretty sure it was more than once.
Ok? I'm holding this dead dog and I look up.
I see this liquor store across the street.
I mean,it's glowing.
It's beautiful--like a sign from god.
Going into it seemed like the thing to do.
And later,I saw those people going into the church like sheep, and I just--oh,god,I had to tell them.
It's all a crock of shit.
Nobody gets saveD.
Now that I think about it bootsie shit in that pantry at least 3 times.
I'm telling you-- It was once.
Ok-- One goddamn time.
It was the fourth of july barbecue.
Remember,it was somebody's birthday or-- Oh,will you shut up? Please.
You know,it's like you said.
None of it matters what we do in this life, who we hurt,the damage we do,the lies we tell.
I mean,unless you push it to extremes--I mean,you're hitler on one side,you're christ on the other.
Nobody cares.
We're all just tiny specks of vapor in the vast,infinitesimal,filth-ridden slurry of human experience.
Ok.
First of all,I never mentioned hitler or christ,and I've never used the word "slurry" in my life.
All right? But I understand what you're trying to say.
You're trying to say that this is my fault.
That's where you're going.
No,that's not what I'm trying to say.
-That is exactly what you're trying to say.
-No,it isn't what I'm trying to say.
I bought the booze.
I went into the liquor store.
I made a scene at that church.
I take responsibility for my own actions.
But it is kind of your fault.
How?How is it my fault? If you'd just keep your goddamn mouth shut about my poor dog shitting in the pantry all those times.
"All those.
" "All those times.
" That's what I was looking for.
Oh,shut up.
As far as I'm concerned,"all" implies at least 3 times.
This is sad.
Look.
I may have overstated it when I said bootsie was a bitch.
There were times when the dog-- No.
I'm not getting any drunker.
I'm done.
Yeah? All right.
Let's go.
-Hey,tom? -Yeah.
-Did you hear? -What? Mike,franco,and I-- Yeah? We're buying a bar.
Uh,correction--mike bought the bar,and I'm watching garrity screw it up.
No,it's gonna be awesome.
And if you have any suggestions,tom,we're totally open.
Oh,cool.
Yeah,I got a couple.
You know,build it on the edge of a cliff, and go inside and start fixing it up,and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side.
Save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah,well,that actually is not gonna work,'cause we're opening it in the city.
I love it.
Enough is enough.
That shit ain't funny anymore.
Pretty funny.
Come on,you guys,huh? I told you to cut out this shit with the cherry bombs before you set this joint on fire.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Actually,it would be the fourth.
Yeah.
Look at that.
There's gonna be a visitor in the house.
It's a french lady.
She's a journalist-type person.
She's writing this big book about the tenth anniversary of 9/11.
She's been to a couple of houses,but she wants to talk to you guys.
Of course it has to be a chick.
We seriously gotta talk to this girl,chief? You don't have to do shit.
Talk to her,don't talk to her-- no skin off my nosE.
Insert the jew joke now,ok? Well-- Get 'em up there.
Let's go,guys.
Fire department.
Anybody here? Hey,check this one.
Hey,guys.
-Yeah? -Get that room? You got it.
Hello? You better hurry it up,lou.
We got water issues down here.
Copy that,chief.
What's up,man? My tank's all screwed up.
I don't know what's the matter.
Garrity!Garrity! Sean! Sean,are you all right? Lou,where you at?We got a problem.
Mayday.
62 truck.
Man down.
Garrity's down,chief.
We gotta get him out of here.
No,no,no,no.
You've got to get everyone out.
These hydrants are dry.
We gotta let this building go.
You copy? All right.
We're on our way out.
Double time.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.