Son of a Critch (2022) s05e01 Episode Script

1
Summer breeze ♪
Makes me feel fine ♪
Blowin' through the
jasmine in my mind ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The last summer
before my last year of high school.
Pure, indulgent laziness.
Frig's sake, Rip Van Winkle!
Haul yourself up outta bed.
It's summer holidays, Mom!
This is what summer's for. Sleeping in.
Lazy as a cut dog.
I knew I should have
made you get a summer job.
I have a job. I'm an artist.
I need to keep my mind
empty to let the inspiration
come through my brain.
Well, my foot is about
to come through your arse
if you don't get up!
[SEALS AND CROFTS, "SUMMER BREEZE"]
So I walk on up to the doorstep ♪
Through the screen
and across the floor ♪
♪
Summer breeze makes me feel fine ♪
Oh, uh, I didn't know we had company.
Uh, gentlemen.
Sorry I haven't dressed yet. It's, uh
summer holidays.
It's just the lads from the club.
We're getting a booth at the Regatta.
Wait
it's the Regatta today?
TV: St. John's, Newfoundland
is now waiting to hear
if the Regatta is a go.
I hate the Regatta.
Augh Blasphemy!
You know, the Regatta's the biggest day
of the Newfoundland summer.
What are you pouring
out my good juice for?
Oh, I need the bottle
for the bottle toss.
Well, drink it first, you old coot!
What, with my bladder?
Geez!
[CHUCKLES] Here!
Oh, that's a nice one, Pat!
MARY: Are those my good vases?
Where are my flowers?!
Oh, well, they'll grow back.
Oh my
God!
Give me this.
Here, blow that up.
I suffer from asthma.
Oh, breath enough to talk,
breath enough to blow.
Lazy as a cut dog.
That is what I said!
Alright, go easy! Slow.
Just I wanted it blown up halfway.
- Why?
- Ancient carnie secret.
Here, I'll show you.
Ladies and gentlemen, step right up!
Here, Madam.
Pop the balloon with
this dart and win a prize.
- Oh!
- [CHUCKLES]
- POP: Aw!
- Oh, you frigger! That's rigged!
Damn right it is.
Here. Consolation prize.
That's my teddy bear!
Oh, grow up!
Ah, don't they call it
off if it's too windy?
It's blowin' a gale out there.
Who plans a holiday around
Newfoundland weather?
I got work to do.
What are you doing, Mom?
The Tourism Department has me manning
[CLEARS THROAT]
womaning a booth, for
the big Come Home Year.
It's called "Soiree."
I'm drawing in the tourists
for the cod-kissing booth.
Arse-kissing booth, more like.
The last thing we need at
the Regatta is mainlanders.
MIKE SR: [RADIO] Regatta
Day in the capital city.
- Oh, they're making the call!
- Yeah!
MIKE SR: In just a few moments,
officials will decide if
the Regatta is a go, or no.
Stay tuned to VOCM,
your Regatta station,
brought to you by Wild Bologna.
[ZANY MUSIC PLAYING]
DICK: [RECORDING] Listen for
the call of the Wild Bologna!
[MIMICS TURKEY CALL]
So, is the Regatta on, Dad?
Uh, patience. We'll
know in just a minute now.
Well, it better go. I'm
too drunk to be workin'.
Hello, beer tent!
Mike Critch, VOCM News.
I understand.
Thank you.
What's the word? We on?
DICK: [RECORDING] VOCM,
your Regatta station,
brought to you by Wild Bologna.
Oh, some shockin' size.
This is Mike Critch
with the official call
of the Royal St. John's
Regatta Committee.
I know many listeners
are very anxious to learn
if the Regatta is a go, or no.
Some may even have started
partying a little bit too soon.
For others, the Regatta is nothing
more than a poor man's casino.
Now, luckily, today is
a beautiful, sunny day.
But sunshine has nothing to do with it.
Argh !
The Regatta Committee have
checked the official windsock,
and, unfortunately for some
the Regatta is
a go!
[ALL CHEERING]
Happy Regatta Day, everyone!
Enjoy, everyone!
I'm just gonna kick back in the tub
with an Archie Double Digest.
Good night!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Summer.
That magical time
Lazy as a cut dog.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): when
laziness finds respectability.
[TRADITIONAL NEWFOUNDLAND MUSIC]
♪
MIKE JR: That was the summer student.
She called in drunk. Said
she can't wear the suit.
What suit?
The Bursey Meats Wild Bologna man.
- That's a mouthful.
- Which is one of their slogans.
They're the sponsor.
Where am I gonna find
someone free to work
this late on Regatta Day?
Ah !
Where's your mudder?
At the Regatta with Pop. Why?
I need someone to work it.
I wish I could help.
Lazy as a cut dog.
You know, this is your
last year of high school.
How the hell do you plan
on supporting yourself?
- I'll act.
- You're gonna need a day job.
People who have nets fall into a net.
Unlike you, I believe in myself.
I believe in the value
of an honest day's work.
Now who am I gonna get to
wear that bloody costume?
Costume?
It pays 50 bucks.
I I mean, it is acting, technically.
Congratulations.
You just got yourself a summer job.
♪
I wonder what a Wild
Bologna sounds like.
[MIMICS TURKEY CALL]
Everyone knows the call
of the Wild Bologna, b'y.
Dick, we know that Wild
Bologna's not real, right?
That's what everyone says until
they get lost in the woods.
Well, you'd know. You're, like, uh
what, 90% bologna?
- Shut up!
- Enough!
Being a bologna is serious.
If you want to follow your dreams,
you need to show me
that you can wake up every now and then.
You're almost grown.
Start acting like it.
By acting like a bologna?
Exactly.
Glad we had this little talk.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every
part, no matter how small,
was a chance to ply my craft.
Good morning.
You think you can dissect me?
You know what you look
like with your wax casing
and your Mickey Mouse gloves?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
You look like lunch.
Cut thick or thin
depending on one's taste.
Or lack thereof.
You're nothin' more than
a treat for white trash.
Bologna.
That's Italian, isn't it?
But that accent you've tried
so desperately to shed
is German.
What does your father do?
Was he a frankfurter? No?
Austrian.
He's a small man, Viennese.
Packed tight in a can
with his sweaty brothers.
A Vienna sausage once tried to test me.
I ate him with a handful of
ketchup chips and a nice
cold Pepsi.
- [HISSING SLURP]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[HORN HONKING]
[MARCHING BAND MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
WOMAN: Yeah!
♪
♪
♪
We'll call the races from
the arse end of the pond, b'y.
You stay here.
You sure?
MIKE JR: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This stuff's heavy.
We'll need the two of us.
That's mighty kind of ya. I
admire your work ethic, son.
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
- Beer tent, baby!
- Yiss!
Mark, will you come out?
The first race is about to start!
Uh yeah.
Oh! That fits great.
I'm having second thoughts.
All you have to do is walk around
and pass out a few free bologna.
Who doesn't love a free bologna?
Now try on the head.
♪
The head smells like feet.
I can't see!
God
Well, if you could see
yourself the way I do,
you'd be mighty proud, son.
It's what's inside that counts.
You know what's inside a bologna?
Lips and arseholes.
Guts!
So, be proud of yourself, son.
And, uh, put your mask back on.
Hey, Mr. Critch!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): My girlfriend
couldn't see me like this!
It was all bad enough.
I had to do whatever it took to
What's with the big wiener?
Oh, that's not a wiener, Fox.
That there is a bologna.
Mark, your girlfriend is here!
[SIGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): So much for that.
POP: Step right up!
Try your luck!
We have the biggest prizes on the lake.
Yes, sir, what can I do you for?
Oh, here you go, sir.
MARY: Look at this delicious cod!
He wants a kiss!
Kiss the cod and get a Soiree button.
Who wants to kiss the cod?
POP: Step right up!
A quarter will buy you any game.
Step right up. Come on!
Kiss the cod!
POP: Try your luck
Tell your friends!
POP: Step right up! Try your luck!
Well, I'll take a kiss.
Oh
- What's this?
- The cod you kiss!
- I thought I was kissin' you.
- Oh, yes, b'y.
I wouldn't kiss you with his lips.
Frig off!
POP: Spin the wheel!
[WHEEL CLICKING]
'Round and 'round she goes!
Where she lands, God only knows!
MARK: Want a free bologna?
Mark?
Surprise!
You said you hated the Regatta.
I do.
Everything the Regatta
stands for, I stand against.
Sports. The outdoors.
Fun?
Dad says I'm lazy.
But I'll show him.
I'm going to become the bologna.
Sorry, it just
I never thought I could
get you to the Regatta.
I know this is very serious work,
but maybe we could
play some games later?
I'll win you a stuffed animal?
You're not embarrassed of me?
Me? No.
No, this is like
88th most embarrassing
thing you've ever done.
BRAD: Give me that, loser!
GIRL: Hey!
[LAUGHTER]
Put your hat back on. Quick.
MARK: I thought you weren't embarrassed!
[LAUGHTER]
Look at the big wiener!
Bologna.
I know. Stupid, right?
It's a wild bologna.
Let's fry him up!
MARK: Oh! Ah
What a loser! [LAUGHS]
Yeah loser!
[QUIETLY] I'm sorry!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I was starting to rethink
my acting career.
MARK: Oh!
[IN GOOFY VOICE] Hey, fellas!
Can I offer you a free Wild Bologna?
I wants one!
MARK: Oh
[QUIETLY] Yeah
To smack ya in the bird with!
- [THUD]
- Ah!
[LAUGHTER]
Stop!
Are you okay?
I'm okay. I have padding.
- I want a turn!
- No, okay
No. Oh
- [MARK GROANING]
- Okay, guys, enough!
- [SMACKING AND LAUGHTER]
- [MARK GROANING]
- Okay, okay!
- Get him!
♪
FOX: Guys, enough!
[SMACKING AND LAUGHTER]
♪
MARK: Okay Ah
- Get him!
- [LAUGHTER]
Leave him alone!
[LIVELY MUSIC]
He won't last a day.
Step right up, try your luck!
A quarter will buy you any game!
Three for a dollar, how about that?
Here This is all for charity.
And charity begins at home.
Step right up, try your luck!
Oh, speaking of which,
are you having any?
No, you're taking all my customers!
Yeah, of course I am,
because you don't
have any bloody prizes!
I have got Soiree buttons,
which I have got to get rid
of or I'll lose my packin' job.
Yeah, sure
Hey, I got customers.
Yes, sir, please.
Ah, just a dollar's worth?
Sir, thank you, thank
you. Thank you very much.
Alright, all the best!
Here we go!
Just pop the balloon.
Oh! Unlucky, unlucky.
Try again.
Yes!
Oh, so close!
Oh! You wanna try again?
That'll be a dollar. Thank you.
- [QUIETLY] Jesus.
- Can I give you change?
Mike Critch, lakeside for
the Royal St. John's Regatta
brought to you by Wild Bologna.
That's Wild, b'y.
[STARTING PISTOL FIRES]
MIKE SR: And they're off!
Strand Lounge crew is in the lead
followed bythe Duke of Duckworth shell.
Then we have the
Republic, and in the rear,
we have Stella's Vegetarian Restaurant.
Maybe they should try some Wild Bologna.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER]
- Get him, brother!
- Stop friggin' chasin' me!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oof!
MIDDLE FOX: Wild Bologna!
[LIVELY MUSIC]
MIDDLE FOX: Look at the soggy wiener!
And you can get your bologna
from the Wild Bologna himself.
He's lakeside
workin' very hard indeed.
♪
Get him!
MIKE SR: Strand Lounge
is still in the lead
as I turn things over to Dick Dunphy
on the other end. Dick?
[LAIDBACK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN TENT]
Dick ?
Dick Dunphy, how are things on your end?
- Dick!
- [MIC FEEDBACK]
This is Mike Campbell on the
other end of the lake, Dad.
Mike. And things are
lookin' great over here.
[MIC FEEDBACK]
The first boat is in the lead,
with the second boat
following close behind.
The third boat, of course,
ahead of the fourth.
And and they they are
rowin'!
They are really rowin' now.
They are rowin' hard and fast.
And the first boat is in the lead.
Gonna send it back
to you, Dad. Uh, Mike.
That was wicked, buddy.
Couldn't have done it better me'self!
Yeah. Probably get back to work, huh?
Beer first?
I'm good.
You takes after your old man.
Whatever you do,
don't say it's over ♪
Split up!
[FAST-PACED, PLAYFUL MUSIC]
♪
[PANTING]
♪
Oh, this reeks!
Okay. Oh, I'm starved.
Mmm.
[DOG SNARLING]
[DOG BARKING]
Oh [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
This is not what it looks like.
It's not cannibalism.
I'm not actually a bologna.
I'm a boy!
You want this, okay?
No problem.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS,
"WORKIN' FOR A LIVIN'"]
♪
MARK: Oh, good boy.
I'm sorry, buddy, but I
I got a job to do!
Some days won't end ever,
and some days pass on by ♪
I'll be working here
forever, at least until I die ♪
Damned if you do,
damned if you don't ♪
I'm supposed to get
a raise next week ♪
You know damn well I won't ♪
Workin' for a livin' (Workin') ♪
Workin' for a livin' (Workin') ♪
MARK: Give it back!
Please
Good doggy
Good doggy!
Come on.
Free kisses? Free kisses from the cod?
Aw The slightly defrosted cod.
Gross.
I guess I can't blame anybody
for not wanting kisses from you.
Selling fish, Mrs. Critch?
I'm not selling anything, Jennifer.
I have got the worst booth in
this whole friggin' Regatta.
Ah, we have a winner!
Oh, surprise package!
Oh, here we are. [CHUCKLES]
It's empty!
Yes. That's the surprise!
You need prizes, Mrs. Critch.
You can't catch flies without honey.
The Regatta's almost over.
Where am I gonna get prizes now?
Hey, old man.
Well, look who it
isn't. Little Miss Red.
Well, I hope you've got your allowance.
I got money. I'll take a
dollar on your balloon toss.
Oh.
Alright. Good luck.
Alright
I make my own luck.
[CHUCKLES]
- Whoo!
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
- [SQUEALS]
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
I win.
Three large prizes.
It's it's impossible!
You must be cheating.
How do you know that?
Because I'm cheating.
- [GASPS]
- These are all rigged.
There's no way you could
ever win at these games!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Metaphorically speaking!
No, no, no, no, no. It's
just a figure of speech!
Ha-ha! Oh
Another round! Hit me.
[MARK PANTING]
Hard day at the office?
I got beaten up
Chased
A dog bit me.
But I didn't give up.
I know. I've been watching you.
You got a good work ethic.
Better than a lot of people I know.
Hey.
I'm proud of you, Mark.
You finally learned
the value of a dollar.
Oh, that reminds me.
Here you go.
Paid in full for an honest day's work.
You know what you're gonna spend it on?
I got an idea.
♪
Pfft
♪
That's for you.
For you!
[CHUCKLES]
Oh
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
What good is a day off
without a day's work
to give it sweetness?
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Woo!
♪
Thank you.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We don't
all have to do great things
if we manage to do small
things in a great way.
Oh ice cream!
Hey, two, please. Double scoop.
Oh! Big spender.
It's payday.
[CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The
rewards you actually earn
taste all the sweeter.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪