Animal Control (2023) s05e02 Episode Script

1
♪
Okay, so her puppy chased
a butterfly under the porch,
and now he's stuck there.
Aww. So adorable.
But crawl spaces are
like bars after 3:00 AM.
Nothing good'll ever happen in there.
Mmm. Uh
What was the breed of this
fluffy little angel of yours?
Oh, Barkley is a French bulldog.
Oh, cute, helpless dummies.
I mean, they can't even
breathe without assistance,
it's like nature doesn't
want 'em to exist.
[SHRED FAKE LAUGHS]
All right.
Barkley.
Come here, boy.
[FRANK] Barkley!
Come here, boy.
I see a lot of dry rot.
[FRANK] Shoddy foundation.
These people are slobs.
Barkley! [WHISTLES]
[DOG WHIMPERS]
Barkley?
[SCARY MUSIC PLAYS]
[FRANK YELPS]
Please tell me she stores her
Halloween decorations down here.
They melt in the attic.
They're just festive props.
[SHRED] Proceed, buddy.
[DOG WHIMPERS]
[TOY SQUEAKS]
[MOUSE SCREECHES]
[FRANK YELLS]
My partner isn't
a big fan of holidays.
- [MOUSE SCREECHES]
- [FRANK SCREAMS]
[VOCALIZING] ♪
♪
Sorry I'm late.
Templeton's not in today.
You don't have to pretend
somebody died.
Something did die.
My ability to walk
around the house naked.
I don't have to worry about that
'cause my neighbor's blind.
Or at least that's what he told me.
Addy bailed on
her family trip to India.
She skipped the connecting
flight and came back
to see her new boyfriend.
Oh, no.
No, no, look at me.
Excu
You [TOY SQUEAKS] look at me!
Oww!
You promised me two months
of no bitching about your kids.
Get Addy out of town.
Put her in a roller suitcase
and check it in if you have to.
Also, how did she even
get a boyfriend?
It's that's
Don't make eye contact
with the crazy lady
wheeling the board.
Emily, you're not the boss anymore.
I know I'm not the boss.
Templeton made that, um
very clear, um.
But we are in the fight
of our lives against Roman,
and we cannot afford any mistakes.
And right now,
Templeton is down at City Hall
getting reamed out by the Commandant
because our customer service
scores have dipped.
We're not in the Coast Guard.
I'm not gonna call him Commandant.
He's Reggie, the mayor's cousin.
I thought our scores were
at an all-time high last month.
Yeah. We've been killing ourselves.
I don't even use the bathrooms
in people's homes anymore.
You shouldn't be anyways, no.
Our scores are down
and Templeton has named me
Citizen Czar.
Citizen Czar is not a thing.
He just watched the movie
Anastasiafor the first time.
Anyways, Pax Romana
could shut us down.
And right now, Roman is winning
the war with the public.
Word on the street is
he's giving away awesome
purple water bottles,
so we have to up our game.
Which means
We need tens across the board.
Which we have, except for Truck 12,
who just got a terrible review.
- What?
- Excuse me?
How does that happen?
What're you doing out there?
What did you do?
Julie S. gave us a five?
But I rescued her dog
out from under her porch.
It was pure heroism.
What did she say
about the D-Day invasion?
"Too sandy. Three out of ten"?
Other comments include,
"Officer was rude,
inconsiderate, and showed
no regard for others".
Um that's the dictionary
definition of Frank.
Look, I accept that opinions,
like ironic T-shirts,
are just things that some people have.
But I reject their power over me.
You just can't play the game, can you?
[VICTORIA] Nuh-uh.
Look, the only reason
you get tens is because
every time you screw up,
you say you have diabetes.
- Can't prove I don't.
- Probably does!
Okay, we know how important
these scores are,
so today we will approach every call
with a glimmer in our eye
and a song in our heart.
Won't we, Frank?
- Grumble.
- You can't just say grumble.
- Shrug.
- Okay.
We're gonna get those scores up, boss.
I mean, babe. Sorry! Emily.
Sorry
Czar.
A lot of changes to navigate.
♪
I hate review culture.
That's why I only lasted
one shift at TGI Friday's.
- Frank
- The only people
who say the customer
is always right are people
who never have to interact
with the dum-dum public.
- Look, man
- I'm not talking about
a true cultural critic
who provides checks and balances
on a society run amok.
Your Oscar Wilde, Fran Lebowitz,
- Gene Siskel
- We get it! Okay?
You're a rebel. A lone wolf.
A single man with no dependents. Okay?
But when you alienate the public,
it hurts the whole team, dude.
And it reminds me of a time when
I smell a clumsily shoehorned
snowboarding story coming on.
Sure, I was up there alone
on that mountain,
But my personal score
affected the team score.
So when I messed up,
I had to stand up
in front of my whole team
and own up to my mistakes.
And that's why you need to start
taking some accountability.
Yeah, accountability
leads to apologies.
It's a slippery slope.
I'm not doing that.
Oh, yes you are.
'Cause I'm driving to
Julie S.'s house right now
to show her that
Frank Shaw is no five.
He is a ten in looks
and an eight in personality.
So, an eight point five.
Personality is weighted.
Ooh! Sleeveless.
Someone's planning on barbecue today.
This is my intimidation look.
Addy's bringing her new
boyfriend by for lunch.
I'm going to scare him
into breaking up with her.
Oh, yeah, I like that.
A breakup is perfect for us.
It gets Addy out of town
and it wrecks her confidence.
That girl feels way too good
about herself.
Once this punk takes a look
at Addy's tough old man,
he's gonna run.
[LAUGHS THEN CHOKES]
Yeah.
Okay, and this is
my dad's stupid office,
which explains why
he always smells so weird.
Hey.
Hey, I'm Walt. Nice to meet you, sir.
You say that now
Oh, excuse the hardware.
It's a tranq gun. It shoots.
Cool.
Dad. You're being weird.
We're getting sodas.
Okay. To be continued.
I've already lost the upper hand.
Yeah, you need our help.
So Emily and I
are gonna break them up.
[EMILY] Me? No, no, no.
No, I can't be involved
in any office shenanigans.
But you're not the boss
right now, so this is
your chance to be a much
cooler version of yourself.
That's true. I am floating today.
I mean, maybe I could talk to
Addy about prioritizing things
other than a boyfriend.
It's important for girls
to hear that from girl bosses.
- Girl Czars.
- Yeah.
First, let me talk to Walt,
'cause I can already think of, like,
15 things that suck about Addy, so
Okay, but don't mess her up too bad,
'cause I can't afford therapy.
Okay. Let me do the talking.
Hi, there.
You might remember us
as the friendly Animal Control
officers that helped you
with Barkley yesterday.
Yeah. Of course.
- Is everything okay?
- Yes.
We just wanted to swing by
and see how Barkley is doing.
- Barkley's fine.
- Great!
Well, we take customer satisfaction
very seriously at Animal Control.
So, please let us know if
there's anything else we can do.
Ah, okay you're here
because of my review.
Listen.
I know my partner's a bit
of an acquired taste.
Like blue cheese or no-show socks.
Actually, I didn't ding
you guys because of him.
It was you.
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
This is why I get out
of bed in the morning.
Please, continue Julie.
And really, you can't be too harsh.
Okay, well, take a look.
[BLOWS AIR]
Oh!
Yeah.
Oh, my Lord, I'm a monster.
I'd like to apologize
for my revolting partner.
- Thank you.
- Step one.
Accountability.
Let's rewatch that clip
and drink it in together.
Gladly.
Can you turn it up?
I think I'm gonna cry.
Is this what you look like
when you're happy?
I'm seeing teeth
I've never seen before.
Just when I think the universe
is indifferent to my joy,
it brings me a gift like this.
I probably have
some bad habits left over
from my snowboarding days.
Like how I sometimes I slip
into calling people bro.
Nose blowing is probably
one of those things, so
I'm sorry, bro.
Oh, it's okay.
Take a break, pee in the yard.
It's not funny, Frank.
Look at what she's drinking out of.
That's a Pax Romana water bottle.
Roman is closing in,
and I am failing my beloved Czar.
Oh, this is not about Emily.
This is about you being
the rude one and hating it.
Of course I hate it!
Okay? I'm the lovable
mop-top cutie guy.
[CAWS]
Take a hike, bird.
Whoa! Don't piss off a crow.
They remember faces and hold grudges.
They're the Italian grandmothers
of the animal kingdom.
Is there anything else
he can clean while we're here?
I'd offer him for gutters,
but even on the ladder he can't reach.
I bet you don't have that problem.
I can break six-five
if my hair product cooperates.
Wow.
And I know he's being coy,
but there is a button
on the website that will
allow you to adjust reviews.
I don't normally
I don't even leave reviews.
I don't like to encourage the idea
that everybody's opinion matters.
Let's be honest,
most people aren't Gene Shalit.
- [CROW CAWS]
- [SHRED SCREAMS]
Come on!
I'm working on your amenities here!
Should you help him?
Nah, he's got it.
Whoa.
This place keeps on going.
You're a nice guy, Stretch.
Oh. Thanks.
Really noble.
'Cause, like, you could be
playing the field.
Crushing it, by the way.
But instead, you're going
out with someone
who's, like, really ugh!
You know what I mean?
Uh not really.
I just think it's really sweet
that you're not bothered by
Addy's chronic diarrhea.
She's so brave.
Uh what are you doing?
I have to hydrate these
lizard eggs twice a day.
- Huh.
- That's the mom.
We rescued her from under
a ferris wheel at a carnival.
Whoa. Can I hold her?
- Yeah.
- Huh.
[LIZARD CHITTERS]
- [LIZARD CHITTERS]
- [WALT] Whoa!
That is so dope.
You can keep it if you dump Addy.
- Hmm?
- Hmm?
[FRANK] Everybody gather round!
Gather round, everyone.
Gather round.
Why is Shred standing on a desk?
It's funny you should
bring up accountability.
- I didn't.
- No, Shred did.
While he was lecturing me
about teamwork.
So, just like in his
snowboarding days,
our humble little truck
has a new policy.
Now, he will publicly
explain his failures.
Everyone
the bad review was not Frank's fault.
It was mine.
- [CROWD REACTS]
- [EMILY] What?
In full view of
a security camera, I
Frederick Taylor,
air hankied into Julie S.'s avian spa.
You what in her what?
A ring video of the incident
is now on all your phones.
[MESSAGES PINGING]
[BLOWS AIR]
- Eww!
- [CROWD GASPS]
[SHRED] It's not pretty.
[SHRED] It's not nice.
I wasn't even aware that I do it.
Some of us are aware. Very aware.
You are killing me, babe.
I'm Citizen Czar!
On a personal note,
uh, this has been a real wake-up call.
I didn't realize I was
such a repugnant menace
to the public,
and I've decided to formally
offer my resignation.
Mmm! Not necessary.
But I do believe this calls
for a wholesale reevaluation of Frank.
Turns out he's an angel.
A big, strong millennial angel.
Okay, none of this
helps our situation.
Our board remains unchanged.
Whoa! Rad graphics.
Dagnabbit, Walt!
Where did you get that bottle?!
Pax Romana.
Did a whole thing in the gym.
Oh, cool. Okay.
Fear not.
While F. Snot Fitzgerald
was busy cleaning himself up,
I convinced Julie
to change her review.
She will be resubmitting
a rave shortly.
So, turns out
I'm a hero.
A parade would be too much,
but I think a cake
would be too little.
♪
Huh?
Status update on the breakup?
Not good.
Walt really likes
and respects your daughter.
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
Emily, you're up.
A breakup gets Addy back on a plane
and restores my freedom, so
You say all that crap about
independent women or whatever.
Okay, um, I'm just gonna
jump into the hijinks
and act like I belong.
- Mm-hmm. Giddy up!
- Oh!
I'm screwed.
Hey.
So, girl time is so important.
I'm gonna go get Walt.
OMG! Speaking of Walt,
he seems super cool.
I mean, so much rizz,
and seems like he uses tissues.
Unlike lots of men
walking around these days.
But I don't want you
to get sidetracked
from the more important
things in life.
You know, um
you might find this hard to believe,
but I actually stayed
single in high school.
'Cause I had other priorities, like
copy editing
the morning announcements,
and getting to know my aunts.
Oh, right, because you
didn't have computers.
N-no, we had computers.
We had
one computer for the whole family.
But the point is,
my life felt very full because
I wasn't tied down to boys.
I mean, I didn't even have
S-E-X until college.
Um, graduation.
Uh I think a little after that.
So, you're saying I should
go for it before it's too late?
No! No, no, that's exactly
the opposite
from what I'm saying, so
I mean, I wouldn't wanna end up
being a sad old lady.
Oh.
Well, that tells me you're not
spending enough time
with your aunts.
'Cause I would be happy
to end up like Gloria, Susan,
or honestly, even Dot.
So
And, um
six-seven.
♪
[SHRED] We're still at a five?
Yeah. Weird, right?
I cleaned the fountain! We apologized.
You two shared a couple laughs.
You said she agreed
to change her score.
Well, I could call her.
Her number's on the incident report.
No, man, that's government info.
It's risky. Don't do that.
She liked me. We had a rapport.
Okay, don't get me wrong,
you're a tall drink of water, bud.
But it's her personal cell phone.
- [CALL RINGS]
- It's ringing.
- Frank.
- [JULIE] Hello?
Hi, Julie. This is Frank.
Uh, from before. At your house.
- Rough start.
- Hi, Frank from before.
I was wondering
if you had time to chat.
[JULIE] Uh, no. Unfortunately not.
I'm sorry to bug you.
It was my disgusting partner's idea.
Don't do that.
- But I am free tonight.
- [FRANK] Oh?
I'm also free tonight.
Uh, you wanna
grab a drink?
[JULIE] I'd love to!
I love you, too.
I mean, I mean
I would love to, too.
Okay! I'll see you later.
Wow.
I feel like I just watched
Sully land a plane
on the Hudson River.
And you're the stupid goose
who almost got us all killed.
Hey, how did it go with Addy?
Um, I may or may not have
convinced Addy
to lose her virginity to Walt.
- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah, things got away from me.
I'm sorry, what do you expect, though?
It's my first shenanigan!
So, now Walt is gonna defile
the most precious thing in my life.
My me time.
There's only one move left.
The original move.
Intimidation.
Uh-huh
Hey, Mr. P.
[DART HISSES]
[VICTORIA AND EMILY GASP]
♪
[PATEL] Oof.
Did anybody see me shoot this boy?
Hamburger help us.
Is he gonna be okay?
Okay, I'm gonna grab
a dose of wake-up juice
and maybe a banana. I don't know.
I always crave those
after I've been revived.
Okay. Excuse me.
This shenanigan is starting
to feel more like
attempted murder.
Hey! Once you're in on shenanigans
you do not bail on shenanigans.
I am so mad at you right now,
and I'm so scared for Walt,
but I also never want
this moment to end.
Like, what's happening to me?
I got it!
We might have to forge some
paperwork, but I got it. Okay.
[WALT GASPS]
Hey! There he is.
How was your nap, buddy?
That was awesome!
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
That's-that's what it's
supposed to feel like.
[PATEL] Awesome.
The essential John Philip Sousa.
I had this CD.
It's on my workout mix.
Tuba's great when
I'm blasting my glutes.
Hmm. Hey, can I have
a little bit more?
Oh, I'll check with the sommelier.
- He says yes.
- Thank you.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
- What?
- Hey! Just checking in.
How's the restaurant?
Also, be sure to pick up the check.
I'm pretty sure you can expense it.
No, we're back at my place.
Okay, this is escalating.
Yeah, it is.
In a very carnal but respectful way.
I'm gonna go for it.
Unless there's some professional
reason this is not a good idea.
Well, it's a gray area.
Flip the camera around,
let me get a view of the space.
Sense of the vibe.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
[SHRED] Well, in that
case, I say go for it.
But to be clear on the stakes,
you are proposing that you have
sex to save all of our jobs.
She's playing
Glory of the Yankee Navy.
It's my walkout song, I gotta go.
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
I can't believe you shot my boyfriend.
Actually, it was pretty fun.
Plus he apologized.
Yeah no, I didn't apologize.
Legally, it's very important
that we agree on that.
I just gave you a hat.
You have the coolest job.
Lizards, tranq guns,
accountability speeches.
You hear that, Addy?
Boyfriend thinks I'm cool.
Thanks so much for the ride, Mr. P.
You're the best.
Bye, Addy. See you tomorrow?
- See you, boo.
- Awesome.
Huh.
That guy ruined my life,
but he's a good kid.
He's a dork and
I'm breaking up with him.
Oh.
[GLORY OF THE YANKEE NAVY
CONTINUES PLAYING]
I hope you're not
allergic to cat hair.
I'm deadly allergic, but it's okay.
[PHONE RINGS]
Mmm! Uh
Might be important?
Why don't you get that?
I'll be right back.
[PHONE RINGS]
This is not an ongoing conversation!
Hey, you hung up before
we could wish you good luck.
- [FRANK] We?
- Hey!
Oh, okay, stud!
I see those three
shirt buttons undone.
Listen, I'm not some
sort of piece of meat.
Now, let me go have sex
to save our jobs.
Hey, Frank! It's Emily.
Good luck with the sex.
I can say that
'cause I'm not your boss.
Guys, this isn't a group project.
It kind of is, buddy.
We're all counting on you.
But we all know your
track record with women,
so don't feel like it has to be a ten.
A nine a nine'll do, right?
Actually, I did some quick math
and it does have to be a ten.
Where were we?
About halfway through my usual
90 seconds of foreplay.
Oh, well
[VICTORIA] Okay,
well, have fun, Frank!
But not too much fun.
- Is everything okay?
- Yes.
Spam call.
No, I don't want
your stupid solar panels.
Come here.
Frank Shaw clocking in.
Sorry I'm late. I had to
take Addy to the airport.
I even stayed to make sure
the plane took off.
[VICTORIA] Hell, yeah!
My window of freedom
is open once again.
The ups and downs of in-office
tomfoolery are exhilarating.
And I thought writing
a budget got my heart rate up.
You're cute when you're goofin'.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Then watch this.
[LOUD TRILL]
Oh, I'll call IT. I'm sorry.
[SHRED] It's probably an easy fix.
[OFFICE CHEERS]
- Hey!
- There he is.
Thanks for keeping my mission
such a closely-guarded secret.
You know, office gossip spreads,
usually on that office text thread.
That's where I posted it.
And don't be bashful, Hoss.
Everybody's just psyched
you took such a big swing
on our behalf.
Yeah. Wow. Sex with a woman.
Did you remember how
everything fits together,
or did you have
to consult some charts?
You know, maybe we could
all be adults about this
and respect my feelings and privacy.
Yeah, we're all just really
grateful for you, Frank.
Because you were put
in an awkward position.
This guy?
Probably just missionary.
All right. Enough! But
Who knows what Julie's gonna do?
I mean, maybe
she'll raise our score or
lower it.
Why would she do that?
Is it because you were too good?
Oh, no!
Performance anxiety.
[VICTORIA] I mean, I get it.
I've never personally
witnessed it, but I
I've heard of it happening.
Look, you guys all got in
my head with your good-natured
support and stupid
motivational FaceTime call.
[PHONE PINGS]
Oh, uh
Julie just updated her review.
Just read it.
Okay. Um
"Upon a return visit,
"the officer attempted
to satisfy my request.
"Unfortunately, he lacked
"properly functioning equipment."
Oh!
- You need a hug.
- Don't touch me.
Oh, wa-wa-wait! There's more,
there's more, there's more.
Um "But his determination,
"even in the face of total failure,
"was touching."
- Ten out of ten!
- Oh!
She gave you a pity ten!
[PATEL] Hey! There you go.
Hi. Hey
Just so you know, if you ever
need a little blue pill
I know a guy.
My grandfather.
I'm gonna go run myself over
with a truck.
See, unlike you I can get up.
You're a ten in our books, Frank.
[FRANK] Yeah.
- What's up?
- [CROW CAWS]
That bird.
I think I've seen it before.
No, all crows look the same.
Are you ready to go?
Yeah, it's just my phone.
I left it out there on the table.
Okay do you wanna get it?
[SHRED] Nope. I don't need it.
You don't need your phone?
No.
[CROW CAWS]
Everybody's gunnin' for me.
sync & corrections awaqeded