Clarkson's Farm (2021) s05e02 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
[goat bleating]
[soft piano music playing]
[Jeremy] It's easy to be distracted
by stuff you see on the farm.
Barn owls especially.
But the fact is, I had
two big jobs on my to-do list.
Number one, work out
how we'd celebrate Christmas at the pub.
And number two,
decide what to do about the London rally
that was being planned
by farmers to protest
about the budget.
This march
Next week, Tuesday.
[Jeremy] The question is,
do we go?
Because if it turns ugly,
people start flinging,
- you know, some
- Wellies or something.
muck-spreaders and things and start
covering public buildings in slurry
like the French do,
do you wanna be associated with that?
And if you don't go,
does it look like
you're not backing the farmers?
Oh God
I don't want to be in a riot.
Hmm I don't wanna be in a riot.
And, quite a few people are saying
that I should make a speech.
[Kaleb] I mean, I'm gonna have to go.
I don't like big crowds and I'm literally
gonna be in the middle of a big crowd.
I'm gonna be the worst person there.
[Jeremy] I don't mind a crowd,
and it's nice to go down to London.
I'll be able to talk about Al Pacino
and people will know what I'm on about.
So are you going?
I think I'm going to go.
Erm And I'm gonna lay on a coach.
- I think that's a good idea.
- So that if Well.
For two reasons:
one, it's a nice thing to do,
and the other thing,
this is for farmers to go to London.
And the other is,
if there's a coach going,
it will stop a farmer taking
a tractor and a muck-spreader.
All right, I'll be on
the bus then, yeah?
And I'm going to make a decision
on speaking kind of when I'm there.
Because, you know, if you're standing
in the middle of flares going off
Yeah, yeah.
And slurry being flung
around the place
You don't wanna be doing a speech then,
do you?
- [Jeremy] It's hasty-retreat time.
- I'd be off then.
Well, you won't, cause you don't know
your way around London.
- No, I don't. I'll stick with you.
- Stick with me.
Yeah.
[Jeremy] Discussion over,
Kaleb and I went to see
the un-roundup-able EasyCare sheep.
- How are you?
- Morning. Very well, thank you.
[Jeremy] Because the new EasyCare
boyfriends were being delivered.
They're mice! Why have I got two mice?
- [laughing]
- [Jeremy] Woolly mice.
- [John] Yeah
- [Jeremy] Also, quite small testes.
[Louise] It's only because it's cold.
- [Jeremy] Oh, is it?
- [laughing]
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had slathered
their chests in marker paint
so we'd know which
sheep they'd serviced,
the rams trotted off to meet the ladies.
That one is tiny.
[Louise] But again, you know,
EasyCares are more feminine.
They don't look
like your average really big rams.
[Jeremy] I then told Louise
that one of the ewes had died.
And she had
a rather surprising theory about why.
You know what?
What I think, I maybe left
the sister or something at home
and it's just gone
into a complete spiral of despair
that its sister wasn't with it.
Really?
- [Jeremy] Pining?
- [Louise] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It actually died
of a broken heart?
[Louise] Yes, yes.
[Jeremy] Bloody hell. Who knew?
Oh, look, they're off, they're off.
- [Louise chuckling] God
- [Jeremy] The women are running away.
[Louise] They always do, to be fair,
at first.
[country music playing]
[Jeremy] Leaving the rams
to their romancing,
I headed over to the pub,
because apparently, there'd been
a disturbance in the force.
Annie tells me somebody has had
an accident in here.
[Jeremy gagging]
[coughing]
No way!
[Jeremy] I was so astonished
I had to get a second opinion.
Fuck's sake.
[Jeremy] And even a third.
[Charlotte] That's vile.
That's actually vile.
[Nick] That can't be one person.
That's gotta be, like, five people.
[Jeremy] This event could not
have happened on a worse day.
Because some very special guests
were inbound.
I'd always been keen for the pub
to host live music evenings,
and Lisa, having trawled
through her Irish address book,
had managed to book The Corrs.
And a couple of hours later,
with the car park hosting
a full-on hazmat clean-up operation,
they arrived!
- Hello.
- Jeremy, I'm Sharon. How are you?
Hi there. I'm very well. How are you?
- So here we are.
- We're very happy, yes.
When was the last time you played
at a venue smaller than this?
[Sharon and Jim Corr] Oh
[Jeremy] Once inside,
they began the sound check.
So go on, go on ♪
Come on, leave me breathless ♪
Tempt me ♪
[Jeremy] And as I was taking in
this surreal moment,
His Cheerfulness arrived.
- Amazing, innit?
- It is. But I have been thinking.
- Health and safety Don't tell me.
- No, no.
It's gonna be quite difficult
to go to the loo while they're singing.
Why?
Just 'Cause they're right there.
Oh!
I'll cancel it.
[Charlie chuckling]
And, you know, power's not perfect here
and we have this on?
No.
So there's some worry that, you know,
we're gonna have to turn stuff off
in there when they start singing.
The problem is
Well, the problem is,
we've got people booked in,
you know, right the way
8:45 onwards.
- So we're still gonna be serving food.
- You're saying is we can't serve food
and have a gig on at the same time?
Do you want Andrea Corr
to be giving you a bollocking
- [Jeremy] Or a sausage roll?
- Or a sausage roll?
Let's have The Corrs.
[music fading out]
[Andrea] This seems very exciting.
[Jeremy] Once the
sound check was over
[Jeremy] Those acoustics aren't bad,
are they, in there?
[Andrea] Really good, really good.
[Jeremy] I showed The Corrs
to their dressing room.
It's actually my office,
which I've given over to you.
[Sharon] That's very nice.
- [Andrea stumbling] Oh! Lovely.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, mind the steps.
[Andrea] This is Ooh.
- [Andrea] Wow.
- Yeah, it smells a bit.
[Jim] Who did the decor?
[Sharon] The Smarties
are a particularly good touch.
No, no, no, not Smarties.
What are they? M&Ms?
[Jeremy] Yeah, but what have we done?
Just to show we've
[Sharon] You've taken
out the brown ones!
[Jeremy] We took out the brown ones.
- [Sharon] That was Prince.
- I thought it was Van Halen.
[Sharon] Yeah, it could have been.
I thought it was Prince.
- Anyway, this is your green room.
- [Sharon] I don't know.
There's my office chair.
You're more than welcome.
- [Sharon] Wow.
- [Jeremy] Sorry it's not bigger.
And I'm sorry that there's a beam in it.
But well, you're on
at 8, and it's now 5.
Anyway, I'll leave you to it. I'm
just gonna go out and close the door.
- [Caroline] Could we get a heater?
- Don't lock us in now.
A fan heater? No, we haven't got one.
- [Caroline] Are you sure?
- [Jeremy] Well, the problem is,
we haven't got enough electricity.
- Oh
- We're genuinely worried.
- It's either cooking tonight or singing.
- Okay.
[Jeremy] You won't be disturbed in here,
that's the important thing.
- [Caroline] Okay.
- [Jeremy] See you later, guys.
- Thanks, Jeremy.
- [Sharon] We're a little bit
[Jeremy] 2 hours and 55 minutes later,
The Corrs were, understandably,
quite keen to get on stage.
[Andrea] Oh, God.
[Jeremy] I do love you touring
with James May, I think that's great.
It's nice to see
he's got gainful employment.
[laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen!
[crowd cheering]
Thank you very much.
Next week,
they will be performing at the O2,
but tonight,
they will be performing
in The Farmer's Dog,
the first band to do so.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Corrs!
[crowd cheering]
Good evening,
you fine folk of The Farmer's Dog.
["Breathless", by The Corrs
starts playing]
[Jeremy] The Corrs then delighted the
room with some of their biggest hits.
So go on, go on ♪
Come on, leave me breathless ♪
Tempt me, tease me ♪
Until I can't deny this ♪
I would run away with you ♪
Because ♪
[crowd singing]
I have fallen in love ♪
With you ♪
[woman] Do you remember The Corrs?
[Kaleb] No.
No idea who they are.
["Toss the Feathers" by The Corrs
playing]
[Jeremy] By the end, Charlie had stopped
worrying about electricity and lavatories
and had even taken to the dancefloor.
[music continues playing]
[crowd cheering]
Thank you very much!
[cheering]
[Caroline] Thank you very much.
[overlapping conversations]
[Jeremy] Afterwards, their biggest fan
of many years standing couldn't wait
to congratulate them.
- Lovely to meet you. That was amazing.
- [Andrea] Thank you.
[Jeremy] That vibe, honestly
For me, tonight is the full pinch-pinch.
When you go, "We had this idea
of what the pub would be like",
and then you look at this and go,
"We've done it, we've actually done it."
[tense music playing]
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
it was time for another big event,
only this one was much more serious.
[Kaleb] Here we are, look at this.
[Jeremy] Because today was the day
of the farmers' rally in London.
[tense music continues]
- Morning, all.
- [man] Morning.
[Charlie] Right.
- Hello.
- Hello.
James.
James, hi. Charlie. Pleased to meet you.
[Jeremy] The Diddly Squat convoy
thundered down the M40.
And once it reached London,
I sought advice
on the conundrum running round my head.
Right, to speak or not to speak?
Shall we have a vote?
What, just generally speak
or not to speak?
Well, the doctor told me not to speak.
Amazon's told me not to speak.
- [Charlie] There it is, Kaleb, look.
- [Kaleb] What's that?
- That's the Royal Albert Hall.
- Is that a museum?
No.
At the end is Parliament Square,
where the Houses of Parliament are.
[Charlie] Right, let's get kitted up.
Morning, morning.
Are you all completely lost now,
I'm guessing, are you?
- Yeah.
- I've lived here 30 years. Follow me.
I know where we're going.
[Jeremy] None of us fancied being part
of a riot-hungry mob,
but when we reached Whitehall,
the location of the rally,
veteran broadcaster Andrew Marr
sort of put that worry to bed.
It's early in the day, it's only
11 o'clock or so, and it's wet.
Lots of comments about this
is gonna be overtaken by the Far Right,
it was going to be extremist.
And I've come down to look.
And this is mainstream,
patient, weather-beaten,
decent Britain on the streets.
It's really impressive.
[whistles blowing]
Isle of Wight.
- Hertfordshire.
- Devon.
[whistles blowing and horns hooting]
We're quite a small farm,
only about just over 200 acres,
but it's gonna hit us
hard. We're arable.
We'll never ever be able to afford
what they want us to pay
and we will have to sell up.
How can you ask people
to give up a lifestyle
and punish them for producing food
and looking after the countryside?
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, Charlie had been
asked by a reporter for a quick comment.
And she was indeed
getting his version of "quick".
Out of those 1,500, there will be
a minority that are not impacted
by the combination of business
and Agricultural Property Relief.
You know, it has a massive impact.
Yes, financially,
but also on confidence
to invest in future production
[dialogue fading out]
[dialogue fading in]
[Charlie] That's 1.2 million.
So they'll have a tax liability
on the actual asset
that they're producing milk from.
[journalist] We're 2 minutes over time,
if that's okay to wrap, that'd be great.
Thank you so much.
[Jeremy] By noon,
with Whitehall absolutely packed
by thousands of farmers
and their families,
the speakers took to the stage.
This week in the Lords,
I spoke against this proposal
from the Labour benches.
And from every bench in that house,
Conservative, Liberal Democrat,
cross-benchers, and even the bishops,
speakers condemned this policy.
- You have
- [crowd cheering]
You have the backing of the nation
for what you are doing here today.
- Very good.
- [cheering continues]
I'm Olly Harrison.
I'm just an arable farmer
from near Liverpool.
My family
has farmed in Tarbock for 175 years,
with me being the fifth generation,
and James' dreaming of being the sixth.
[crowd cheering]
Why do we farm?
Why do we accept low prices?
Why do we put up
with low wages and long hours?
I'll tell you why.
We farm for our children.
We farm to feed the nation.
We farm because it's in our blood.
And we farm because we love it.
No one does it for the money.
There is none.
Do they know what it's like to get up
at 4 a.m. to feed cows?
[crowd shouting] No!
[Olly Harrison] Do they know what
it's like to give CPR to a weak lamb?
[crowd shouting] No!
[Olly Harrison] Do they know what
it's like to unblock a combine at 2 a.m.
with bleeding hands and knuckles
'cause of the thistle in it?
[crowd shouting] No!
[Olly Harrison] Do the government
even know where food comes from?
[crowd shouting louder] No!
[Olly Harrison] Today we come together
to show the government we will be heard.
Downing Street, if you can hear us,
you need to fix this.
[crowd shouting] Yeah!
[crowd cheering and applauding]
[Jeremy] I couldn't possibly match
the emotional power of Olly's words,
but I did think
there was one point I could make.
- Hello everybody.
- [crowd cheering]
[Jeremy] Now, I know a lot of people, all
across the country, in all walks of life,
took a bit
of a kick on the shin with that budget.
You lot got a knee in the nuts.
[crowd cheering]
[Jeremy] I know.
You've heard a lot about it today
and I'm not gonna dwell on that.
I will just say this.
Rachel Reeves has told us
What is it?
72% of farms
are gonna be unaffected by this.
Let's see if we can educate her here.
How many people here, if you'd raise
your hands, are from a family farm?
I want to see.
Right, that's a lot of hands.
Now, I want you to lower them if, if
you think,
and you've had time to work this out,
you think you're going to be unaffected
by the changes to APR and BPR.
Put your hands down
if you're gonna be unaffected.
Thank you.
My case rests.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
Thank you, everybody.
[cheering continues]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] In the end, I was glad
I'd gone to the rally and spoken,
but not everyone shared that view.
Doctor went berserk with me last night.
What for? Just
She went,
"You know we told you
to have six weeks rest?"
She said, "I meant sitting
by the fire drinking minestrone soup"
[coughing]
"Reading a book."
I haven't been doing that.
- [Jeremy whistling]
- [Lisa] What can I do, K?
[Jeremy] Kaleb and Lisa
obviously agreed with the doctor,
because when I tried to help them
with the cow weighing,
I was immediately fired.
[Lisa] No, no, no, don't.
Stop it! Just don't.
You're gonna hurt your back
and then you're gonna go
I love this! This is great!
[Jeremy] I know you don't want me
helping but who would do this without me?
Well, I think
Kaleb and I could manage it.
Go on.
[Lisa] 592.
[Jeremy] Having been shooed away, I did
some irritating government paperwork.
But this quickly became boring.
So I went down to the woods to cut
down a Christmas tree for the pub.
Where are they?
[Jeremy] Yes There's a tree.
It's a beauty.
I must be careful
not to cut myself,
'cause I'm on blood thinners.
[Jeremy] As it turned out,
this wasn't the medical issue
that mattered.
[Jeremy breathing heavily]
[Jeremy groaning]
[breathing heavily]
[panting]
I shouldn't have done that.
[sighs]
Not doing that again.
[Jeremy] After this,
I decided I needed a proper rest.
But that night,
Mother Nature decided otherwise.
Storm Darragh has left
thousands of people without power
across the UK
and the Republic of Ireland.
A rare "red" warning for strong winds
has been issued,
meaning there's a danger to life.
[wind whistling]
[metal clanking]
[Lisa] The sound is terrible.
My big worry is the trees.
[whistling and clanking continues]
[Lisa] Ah, Jesus.
[Jeremy] In the morning,
I met with Annie for a damage report.
It swung twice, it went really high,
90 degrees, cracked,
and straight down, missed
the bonnet of a car by centimetres.
Yeah, that would be
That's a weighty item, innit?
You can't move it. It's too heavy.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- [laughing] I know!
- [Jeremy] Shit, look at it.
- [Annie] Yeah, it is ripped.
- [Jeremy] Morning.
- [woman] Morning.
[wind whistling]
[Jeremy] So there's a beam
come down there, look.
And 'cause we've lost
the structure of the outside,
these could now come down.
[Jeremy] Shit
[Jeremy] Outside,
there was more carnage in the car park.
[Annie] All of the festoon lighting
has been ripped.
[Jeremy] And some of the trees
had indeed taken a battering.
[Annie] The one
that's most precarious is here.
- [Jeremy] Oh, yeah, shit.
- [Annie] That's not good.
[Jeremy] Yeah
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Back at the farm, Lisa
was surveying what 10 hours ago had been
the house where her
faceless sheep lived.
[bleating]
- Jesus Christ.
- I know.
Yeah. Luckily
the sheep weren't in it when it tumbled.
We built a little pen for them
out of straw
but I've got to get them into the barn,
the cow barn on the other side.
- [Jeremy] We'll put them in the new barn.
- [Lisa] No.
- The cow barn's better.
- [Jeremy] No, the new barn.
- We can't put them in the new barn.
- [Jeremy] Why can't we?
Because I've got
some snails in there that I'm breeding.
- I mean
- Snails?
Yeah.
[Jeremy] Every time we have a barn that's
empty for 5 minutes, you fill it up.
It was totally empty for about a month.
Look.
[Jeremy] Oh my f-! What the hell?
- [Lisa] Nice, right.
- [Jeremy] What's this?
Tada! Behold.
So I've got a thousand snails.
They're gonna breed.
- [Jeremy] But why have you got them?
- [Lisa] Okay.
- So when the mucin starts coming out
- [Jeremy] The what?
The mucin. The slime that comes out.
It's called mucin.
And it's anti-inflammatory.
It's anti-ageing.
So, so We're gonna have to start
from the beginning. I'm utterly lost.
Okay.
- Snail slime.
- Yes, it's a thing.
- It's what you're farming here.
- Yes.
- A lot of beef farmers
- The slime?
- Yes! And the slime
- What do you do with it?
Well, I put it on my face
and it's amazing on the hands.
It's really good.
And it's hypoallergenic.
You can't get an allergy
from it because it's totally pure.
Vegans can have it
'cause no animals have been killed.
And it's anti-inflammatory as well.
So if you've kinda got joint stiffness,
it's incredible, it's so good.
[Jeremy] So, hang on. They go along
and they leave slime, we know this.
Yes.
And then,
let me just see if I've got this clear.
You take it to the farm shop
and you sell snail slime.
No, no, I make it
into a cream by using the slime.
- So how many have you bought?
- Only a thousand.
There's a thousand?
[Lisa] We'll have 80.000 thousand
once they mate.
- What?
- [Lisa] Good, right? Prolific.
[soft music playing]
[Jeremy] And the snails weren't the only
livestock that Lisa had on the go.
[ticking]
Back in the summer, she'd taken delivery
of a flock of geese.
[Lisa] Right, girls and boys.
Geeses.
[Jeremy] Which had thrilled
the Diddly Squat goose expert, Gerald.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
- [Gerald] Bzz, on the top of that, yeah?
- Oh yeah?
[Jeremy] Over the following months,
she'd worked tirelessly
In all weathers
[Lisa] Oh, fuck a duck.
[Jeremy] And round the clock.
[Lisa] See you in the morning.
[Jeremy] To rear and fatten them.
[Lisa] Morning, morning!
- Morning, morning.
- [geese honking]
[Lisa] Ugh!
[music fading]
One, two, three, four, five
[Jeremy] And now,
on a cold December evening,
all that hard work was set to pay off
as she prepared to put on the first
in a series of festive geese nights.
So this is what
You should be proud, actually.
- I am. They look beautiful.
- You should be.
I thought it might be weird looking
at them, but they do look perfect.
And look, they've been well stuffed
and there's no little hairs and stuff.
They look great. Wow.
I hope tonight works well, actually.
I'm gonna leave it to Lisa.
It's Lisa's Geeses night.
[Jeremy] And anyway,
I had some festive plans of my own.
So I asked Charlie
to join me in my office for a briefing.
We need a grotto.
- What?
- Well, we need a Christmas grotto.
- I've had a brainwave. Don't worry.
- [Charlie] You mean, as in
- [Charlie] Elves and Santa and
- Yes, exactly.
[Jeremy] Because we don't need
the goose hut at the moment,
because the geeses aren't in it
'cause they're all
- So we'll bring the goose hut over here.
- [Charlie] Okay.
And we'll use that as the grotto.
So I'll put Father Christmas in it,
children come, Father Christmas
gives them a little present,
you know, some little toy,
and we'll have a Nativity scene outside.
[Charlie] Where are we gonna find
a Santa? It's December.
We need to check
them, background checks.
- DBS check, just to make sure they're
- Sorry?
[Charlie] DBS,
just to make sure they're safe.
What? I don't know what "DBS" means.
- DBS: have they got a criminal record?
- Oh.
If they have got a criminal record,
what's it for?
Well, every single year Santa breaks into
about a billion houses round the world,
I should imagine
he has got a criminal record.
[Charlie] Well, so
we need to check that.
How
I mean, what if he doesn't turn up?
Well, you could say that if you were
running a British Airways concern.
"There's no point buying these planes.
What if the pilot doesn't turn up?"
How long do they get with Santa?
- I don't know, five minutes?
- [Charlie] So it's 12 an hour.
[Jeremy] Hmm.
- Okay, and
- [Jeremy] Six hours a day. Twelve sixes?
72 sets of presents.
And make sure that there's somebody
in there with the child as well.
- [Jeremy] Who?
- Either a parent
- [Jeremy] Or an elf.
- Or an elf.
So I've gotta put an advert
in the local paper saying,
"Wanted: Man or woman
to dress up as an elf
for minimum wage."
No, national living wage.
So you're saying
that we've gotta get a Santa,
we've gotta make sure
he's not a paedophile,
an elf,
and all it means
is bringing the goose hut over,
hosing some of the faeces out
- [Jeremy] Well, actually all of them.
- All of the faeces.
[Charlie] Disinfected.
[Jeremy] While Charlie was
fully supporting my plans upstairs,
Lisa was in the kitchen
getting some rather unwelcome news.
We're just salting them,
to bring the moisture out and make
the skin crispy when they get roasted.
And when will you bring the rest in?
The rest? They're all here.
But, no, we're not We're just
Aren't we going to have them
throughout the weeks
up until Christmas
for lunches and dinners?
Do you have more geese?
No, I think this is for tonight
for the big banquet, right?
This is all of them.
- I had 30.
- This is this is all the geese.
- [Lisa] The whole lot's going tonight?
- [Nick] Yes.
[Lisa] But I thought we could have them
for lunch and dinner up until Christmas.
No.
[Nick] The geese that you sent
will cover us for tonight, no more.
Reindeer,
are there any reindeer near here?
[Charlie] Are there
any reindeer near here?
So we get a normal deer
Which will freak when
a kid goes near it.
How high do the fences
have to be for deers?
[Charlie] Like, 6 feet, 8 feet.
Okay, so we'd put a six-foot
It'll look like a prisoner-of-war camp.
[Jeremy] I know, I went
to Stalag Luft III the other day.
Which is impressive,
but I'm not sure it's the right theme.
Plastic animals.
[Charlie] That would look great.
I mean, it wouldn't,
but it would be great.
That's the first good idea you've had.
[Jeremy] Later that night, Lisa decided
that all her geese guests
should be made to share her pain.
Yes, and I thought all these geese
would last from now
until Christmas Day.
No, no, no. You've eaten
them all tonight apparently.
[Jeremy] As for me
[upbeat music]
Charlie had eventually signed off
on my grotto plan,
but I couldn't start on it just yet.
That's it.
[Jeremy] Because with winter
now upon us
[Jeremy] Hello, cows and End Game!
[Jeremy] The time had come
to move our four-legged residents
Sorry, cows.
[Jeremy] Into the warmth of their barn.
[Kaleb laughing] What are you
doing that for? You're not boxing.
He might come at me.
- [Kaleb laughing]
- Good End Game, yes.
You're my friend, aren't you?
That's good.
[bleating]
[Lisa] And that, my dear,
is how you move sheeps.
[Jeremy] Once the animals were sorted,
I could get cracking with my grotto.
[soft guitar music playing]
And having advertised
in nearby villages for a Santa,
a local chap had applied for the job.
When I can, but I have four dogs.
And you're not a paedophile?
I'm not a paedophile, no.
Right.
[Jeremy] With the checks done
and Santa hired,
the next job was to move
the goose hut up to the pub.
And once that was done,
I could start turning it into a grotto.
Erm
Here's my plan.
We're gonna have the "aminals"
and the Nativity scene in there
with straw on the floor,
and then in here
will be Father Christmas's grotto,
so I'll have to carpet this
and this will be snuggy.
And lo, the geese shall go
and there shall be rugs.
Right.
Presents.
Now technically,
these aren't reindeer, but
Yeah.
And there shall be light.
Elf of the week.
His writing desk.
Santa's weed.
[Jeremy] Once I'd furnished
Santa's grotto
and laid out the Nativity scene
[Jeremy] This is amazing, look at this.
[Jeremy] I thought it wise
to refresh my memory
about the birth of the Baby Jesus.
So I've got myself,
from the local church
a Bible.
And in Matthew,
it says that
"Mary was pledged
to be married to Joseph."
I thought they were married.
Okay, they were engaged.
"But before they came together,
she was found to be with child
through the Holy Spirit."
Now, he presents that as a fact.
No checking, no backup,
"She's pregnant with the Holy Spirit."
"And because Joseph, her husband,
was a righteous man
and did not want to expose her
to public disgrace,
he had in mind to divorce her quietly."
What?
I never read that before.
"But after he had considered this,
an angel of the Lord appeared to him
in a dream and said,
'Joseph, son of David,
do not be afraid to take Mary home
as your wife
because what is conceived
in her is from the Holy Spirit.
Then the virgin, '" which she isn't,
"'will be with child
and will give birth to a son
and they will call him Emmanuel.'"
What?
Emmanuel, why?
Why would they name the child
after a 70s porn film?
Honestly, Matthew,
he writes like I do.
It's just all made up
as he's going along.
[Jeremy] Besides Matthew's
baffling version of events,
there was a more immediate issue,
as I explained to the Reverend Cooper
upon his arrival.
- What worries me, Kaleb
- Yeah.
This was what we rented
as the infant Baby Jesus.
Look at the hair.
That's quite a lot of hair.
That's taken some growing in that!
I mean, that is Basically,
this is the son of Barry Gibb.
Who's Barry Gibb?
[Jeremy] For me, the offspring
of a Bee Gee simply didn't work
as the Baby Jesus.
So, I'd bought an alternative.
[Kaleb] It looks awful.
Well, it looks better than this.
We get some swaddling clothes on that
[Kaleb] It's got a hat on it!
[Jeremy] It's a Cabbage Patch Jesus.
[Kaleb laughing]
- [Jeremy] Is it a cabbage patch?
- It's not a cabbage patch.
- [Jeremy] Isn't it?
- You're calling him a vegetable.
[Kaleb] He wasn't born with a hat back
in whatever B.C. it was or something.
- "Whatever B.C. it was."
- [Kaleb] Well, when was it?
Nought, that's the point.
Well, it's not B.C.?
[Jeremy] Oh, God strewth, Kaleb.
Do you know what B.C. stands for?
- [Kaleb] No, I thought it was primaeval.
- "Before Christ".
So there was people before Christ?
[Jeremy] Yeah, there were
people before Christ.
I thought the whole intention
of the Bible was that God come along
and created Jesus
and that was, like, the birth of people.
No?
No! Well, where do you think
Mary and Joseph were?
- How did they happen?
- I don't know!
I thought they were once the T. Rex,
and then all of a sudden they was
a monkey and then they come to this.
There was a T. Rex and a monkey
and then Mary and Joseph
I just thought evolution come along
and, you know, we were once a monkey
and then we started talking
and all of a sudden,
we started becoming humans.
Yes, that's evolution,
that's what happened.
Yeah, so that's
what I thought this happened.
No, no.
The Bible tells us that God
Well, it's fake,
'cause she can't pregnant
without having a penis inside her.
- Well, she did.
- It's impossible.
[Jeremy] Well, he believed her. Anyway,
let's not get bogged down in that.
[Kaleb] Who's Gloria?
[Jeremy] The Angel Gabriel brought a
towel along with "Gloria" written on it.
He's obviously gotten
the sex of the infant wrong.
- [Kaleb] It looks great, doesn't it?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
The kids are gonna love this, though.
[Jeremy] I know they are.
[Jeremy] And I still hadn't finished,
because despite Charlie's enthusiasm
for the animals being plastic,
I thought my grotto would be better
if it had some real livestock.
So, while I decorated the outside
[Jeremy] Lovely job.
[Jeremy] Charles Darwin
went off to get some.
[Kaleb laughing]
Welcome, goats, to your new home.
[Jeremy] Come on. In you go.
Come on, you.
Go on.
Yeah, look round the corner like,
"What the fuck is that?"
Well, that's their nemesis.
I mean, this is the symbol of the Devil,
and in there is the Baby Jesus.
Look at them, happy goats.
[Kaleb] He's having a piss
already in there.
[Jeremy] What's he done?
He's eating the fairy lights.
Is that actually powered by electricity?
We should
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- I need to stop that.
Shit.
They're going to electrocute themselves!
[Jeremy] We have an emergency!
[Kaled] There you go.
- [Jeremy] Is that the mistletoe?
- Huh?
- [Jeremy] Right.
- That's the holly.
- [Jeremy] Okay.
- Isn't it?
- [Jeremy] I don't know.
- Huh?
[banging] Oh, fuck!
[Jeremy laughing]
This is glass here.
[Kaleb] Oh, fuck.
[Jeremy] It's to stop the goats
coming in here, mate!
It wasn't there earlier though!
Yeah, well, it is now!
I put it in to stop the goats
coming into our Santa scene.
[Jeremy] No, don't eat Baby Jesus.
- [Jeremy laughing]
- [goats bleating]
[Jeremy] Oh, my giddy aunt.
[Kaleb laughing]
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Eventually,
I had to break away from the grotto
because Dilwyn was coming over to check
and vaccinate the EasyCare sheep,
again.
And up at their field, where clearly
a lot of ram action had been going on,
Kaleb had nearly done a good job
of rounding them up.
The fence is on.
- [Jeremy] Why is that one not in, Kaleb?
- [Kaleb] I can't get it in.
- [Jeremy] What?
- [Kaleb] She is an arsehole.
[Jeremy] Why won't you go in?
Can you go open that gate? I've got it.
Go and open that gate.
Quick. Quick, quick, quick.
[Jeremy] I can't do quick.
- Hold. That's it, hold that far end.
- Shush your noise.
Stop it. Ow, you fucking sheep!
[Kaleb] Oh, my God!
Stop!
For fuck's sake!
Hello, sheeps,
with your triangular easy-birth heads.
[Kaleb screaming]
[Jeremy] Vagina-friendly head shapes,
that's what you've got.
[Kaleb] Jeremy! Jeremy!
[Kaleb] Go on. Hey! Just slowly.
- Hold that far gate! Hold the far gate!
- Ow, fuck!
- [electricity snapping]
- Ow, fuck!
- [Jeremy] Fuck.
- It's electrified.
[both grunting]
[Jeremy] Holy shit.
You let one out.
[Jeremy] Oh don't.
I think it's just broken my finger.
- [Jeremy] These EasyCare sheep
- [Dilwyn] Yeah.
Are proven to Well,
they damn nearly turned him into
[Kaleb] Both my arms!
Oh, my finger is really painful.
[Jeremy] Being a vet,
Dilwyn wasn't really interested
in our human injuries.
He just wanted to vaccinate the sheep
against a rather nasty new disease.
Bluetongue, am I right
in saying is like a little midge,
a little mosquito-ey thing?
Bluetongue's caused by a virus,
which is carried by midges.
Midges? And they started in Holland,
- blew across the Channel
- [Dilwyn] Yeah.
And bluetongue also kills sheep.
Okay, well, let's get
on and inject them.
[Kaleb] Pinch the skin?
[Dilwyn] Yeah, pinch the skin.
Wack it in there.
- [Jeremy] Are you marking them?
- [Dilwyn] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It's not a brilliant look.
They look like Adam and the Ants.
[Jeremy] Dilwyn then decided,
as we'd finally got the sheep in a pen,
he should clip their toenails.
[Jeremy] Is this gonna stop them
being lame?
[Dilwyn] That is the plan.
[Kaleb] Just sit still! Be like a cow.
[Dilwyn] Normally, when you have them
on their back, they just sit there.
[Jeremy] Oh wow,
it's like you're doing a nail salon.
[Dilwyn] One down, 58 to go.
[Jeremy] Is this sheep number 3
you're doing now?
[Kaleb] Two.
- [Kaleb] We're gonna be here all day.
- [Dilwyn] Yeah.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] With all the sheeps
fully manicured,
we could get back to the grotto,
which still needed
some finishing touches,
starting with my snow machine.
[Jeremy] All right,
I think this is how you do it.
[machine rumbling]
- Look at that!
- That's wicked!
We are not going to feature
in The Daily Mail's annual
"Shit Christmas Grotto" photo, are we?
Oh, it's sticking to the trees, look!
[Jeremy] And then,
to complete the Nativity scene
Come on, Brittany.
Whoa! Now what do you think of this,
goats?
Something else to eat.
I love donkeys.
[donkey braying]
- [Jeremy] Oh no, no.
- [Kaleb] Hey!
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
Jesus is having a tough time,
I must be honest.
[Jeremy] Over in the Santa section
of the grotto,
I then spotted another problem.
We're going to need a cameraman in here
so we can film the scene
of Santa with the children.
But that would rather spoil the mood
if you put that in here.
[Jeremy] I then had a brainwave,
which required
the help of our camera assistant.
- Joey? Joey?
- Yeah?
Mate.
This is a big ask.
[unintelligible conversation]
[goat bleating]
[Joey] Are you serious?
[soft folk music playing]
[Jeremy] An hour later,
everything was ready
in The Farmer's Dog Christmas Grotto,
even the cast of characters.
Ho, ho, ho!
- This looks amazing.
- Santa!
[Santa] Hello, little boy.
- Oh
- [Jeremy laughing]
- Hi.
- [Santa] That's debatable.
[Jeremy] As the first of the families
turned up
[Santa] Oh, hello!
[Santa laughing]
[Jeremy] Charlie arrived,
and even he was impressed.
You know I had my doubts
about this thing?
I know, you have your doubts
about everything I wanna do.
I know. Well
But it's really good, actually!
And the business plan?
10 pounds a ticket.
- The presents were 4 pounds.
- Yeah.
Father Christmas, I can't remember
how much we're paying him - not much.
We're using
the camera assistant as an elf.
So off your ten pounds,
have you taken 20% off?
Oh, I don't know.
Why are you bringing
accountancy into the festive
Off the 10, we only keep 8.
Cause we have to give
20% to the government.
[Jeremy] Anyway, listen.
This is the biggest problem.
Never mind your accountancy.
- [Jeremy laughing]
- [Charlie] What? No!
[Kaleb] Why?
[Jeremy] Jesus is being tossed around
like an empty pair of pyjamas!
[Santa] Are you ready? Right
- [woman] No!
- [Santa screaming]
- [woman] Oh my
- [Santa] Oh no!
[Santa] Oh! Get away!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] While the endlessly
comedic goats laid waste to the grotto,
it was time for the rest of us
to down tools
and in our own Diddly Squat way,
celebrate Christmas.
[horns hooting]
[Jeremy] Out on the roads,
we joined all the local farmers
who'd temporarily forgotten
about Rachel Reeves
so they could entertain the children
with their annual Christmas tractor run.
[horns continue hooting]
[cheering]
- How are you doing?
- [Jeremy] How are you?
- How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, at The Farmer's Dog,
we hosted a Christmas lock-in
for all the people
who'd helped us make it a success.
[piano music playing]
Hi, guys. Help yourselves.
The bar is open.
[piano music continues]
[Jeremy] Along with
all the familiar faces
Hi!
[Jeremy] There were Diddly Squat alumni
from previous years.
- [Jeremy] Look who's here!
- Are you all right?
[Jeremy] Like Kevin and Ellen,
the sheep people.
I was reading you had
shedding sheep now.
[Jeremy] Yeah, we've got EasyCare.
One of them was so easy
to care for it died.
[Jeremy] Even Mr "No, No, No" Tom
turned up,
proudly announcing
he was now a published author.
- Is this your book?
- Yeah.
I used to go out with local groups
and do moss walks and stuff.
- [Jeremy] Fantastic.
- [Lisa] This is great.
[Jeremy] I thought it said
"A Guide to finding Moses".
Lisa? Harriet's bought us a present.
[Lisa] No way!
- [Lisa] Did you make that?
- [Harriet] Yes.
- You made it?
- [Harriet] Yes.
- [Lisa] Thanks, Harriet.
- [Harriet] It hangs that way.
It's Christmassy and violent.
And my sister and my dad shot them all
and killed that pheasant.
Aw, that is brilliant!
- Where should we hang it?
- You don't have to put it up!
- We do.
- We do.
[Charlie] Hi, Nick. You all right?
- [Lisa] You go like that.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Lisa] You pick it up with your mouth.
- [Jeremy] What?
You'd have to be
Mick Jagger to get that.
- No, hang on.
- [Lisa] Okay.
[Jeremy] Right, so
No, no, no, not on your knees.
No hands and no knees.
[people cheering and laughing]
[Jeremy] Ha, ha!
- [Kaleb] Are you ready, Gerald?
- Yeah.
- All right, 101, yeah? Double out.
- Who can do maths?
- [Kaleb] I'm quite good at darts maths.
- [Gerald] Nothing in!
There's no light on
the dartboard either, I can't see it.
[Kaleb] You're getting
closer every time!
[Harriet] You should get your head torch
and put it on it!
[Harriet] Yeah!
- That was good.
- What's the prize anyway?
I'll buy you a drink.
[Harriet and Ellen] It's a free bar.
I know, that's my point.
[soft Christmas music playing]
[cheering]
- [Jeremy] Could you do that?
- Absolutely zero chance.
I couldn't. Absolutely ridiculous.
I was on my hands and knees.
[Lisa] Come on, Charles.
I'll do health and safety for ya.
[Charlie] Oh, Jesus!
Hang on
[Charlie] No way! That's not gonna
happen!
- [Gerald] No, that's 21.
- [Kaleb] What?
- [Kaleb] You didn't get 12, you got 9.
- I got 7 and 5.
[Kaleb] You got 9, 7 and 5.
[soft Christmas music continues playing]
[Jeremy] As the drink flowed
and the fire roared
[soft Christmas music continues playing]
There was no doubt
we'd made a really good pub
But in the New Year,
I knew we had to make
a really good farm as well.
[Kaleb] It's gonna feel weird
leaving England.
- [Jeremy] This is what abroad is like.
- [Kaleb] Wow.
[Jeremy] Bloody hell.
[man] This is the future of farming.
[Kaleb] Holy shit.
This is just, like,
my mind is in overdrive right now.
It's about to blow up.
[rock music]