Ghosts (2021) s05e02 Episode Script

1
I just can't stop thinking about it.
Carol, our newest and
arguably worst ghost,
an adulterous mob accountant,
does one good deed and
[WHISTLES] up she goes.
I mean, it was a doozy
of a good deed, though.
You know, she saved Jay, she saved me.
Well, in truth, she didn't
really end up saving you
but rather took your spot up there.
She robbed you of the suck-off
that was rightfully yours.
Damn it, Carol.
What's with all the water bottles?
Oh, the company that
delivers Sam and Jay's water
got bought out by some big conglomerate,
and now the service has
fallen completely off a cliff.
Sam has been trying to cancel for days,
but she can't get a human on the phone.
She's slowly going insane,
and it is a joy to watch.
SAMANTHA: Representative.
Representative.
- Still no luck, Sam?
- No. This company is so annoying.
They still haven't
picked up the empties.
Wait, did they drop off more bottles?
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
Okay, got it.
You're requesting more
bottles. Is that right?
What? No.
This is why, in the cult, we
always got water from the stream
and milk from the neighbor's dog.
- [RV HORN BEEPING]
- PETE: Ooh, look at this bad boy.
Class A, extended cab.
[CHUCKLES] I bet that baby's
got some sweet slide-outs.
Hello, there, Samantha.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
What do you think of the old girl?
- I mean the RV, not Margaret.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
I kid. I am still very
sexually attracted to her.
I heard a truck. Is that
the water delivery guys?
Oh. Hey, Farnsbys.
Hello, Jay. We just wanted to stop by
to let you two know that
we'll be leaving for a while.
We're embarking on an autumnal tour.
We're doing a little peeping.
- I bet you are.
- JAY: Oh, wow.
Well, uh, how long are you
thinking you'll be gone?
MARGARET: Several months.
We've rented out the house
to a lovely young couple.
We're going to hit all the
major swinger communities.
- Apparently, Harrisburg goes hard.
- Yeah.
It's true. It does.
So, would you like to take
a quick tour of the RV?
Yeah, I would not go inside that bus.
No, thank you. We're good,
but have fun and drive safe.
And, uh, do other things safe.
All right, Margaret. All
aboard the Pineapple Express.
[LAUGHS]
Bye, everyone.
♪
BJORN: Father!
We have big news!
Judy and I are getting married!
That is wonderful!
We were waiting till my pervert son
and his degenerate wife moved out,
and now that day has finally come.
Judy not want to risk orgy
breaking out during wedding ceremony.
Thorfinn completely understand!
Orgy meant for after ceremony!
This is wonderful news, Thor.
Yeah, really happy for you,
big guy. Representative.
And they doing ceremony in
front of screaming window
so Thor can watch.
FLOWER: I'm his plus one.
And I know exactly what I'm wearing.
This.
Bjorn also bestow great honor upon Thor.
He ask Thor to speak at wedding.
Thor most touched.
Oh, that's great, Thor,
and if you need someone to sing
- We all good.
- PETE: Hey, guys.
I just got back from the Farnsbys'.
Heard the big news, Thor.
Mazel tov. Huh?
Please don't say Jewish
things and point at me.
Anyway, Sam, guess who's
renting the Farnsbys' house.
The names Garrett and
Libby mean anything to you?
Get out. Seriously?
They're this great couple
we know from Brooklyn.
Jay, Garrett and Libby
are renting the Farnsbys'.
This is huge.
So we just moving on from Thor thing?
What is so great about
Garrett and Libby?
They were like the social
chairs of the friend group.
They plan these great
couples' trips every year.
They look so fun.
Last year they went white water rafting
in the Yellowstone River,
and then-then, this year, I hear
they're planning a
scavenger hunt in Bimini.
I don't know where that
is, but we need to be there.
Ugh, these two needy
numbskulls. God love 'em.
Why wouldn't they have
reached out to us, though?
They know we live up here.
Very simple explanation for that
they think you're both nuts.
Oh, no, Jay. They think we're nuts.
Did they talk to Nico and Sasha?
Oh, the couple that thought you
wanted to murder them on Halloween?
Bingo.
Silver lining, apparently,
you two are a favorite topic
at some very cool dinner
parties in the city.
Samantha, let not one setback
define your social standing.
Your failure at Halloween is
just a rumor to these people.
They weren't there to see
how truly embarrassing
your behavior really was.
Yeah, just go say hey.
The ghosts think we should
go try to smooth things over.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I don't know.
That sounds like it might get weird.
It doesn't have to be weird.
Just go ask for a cup of sugar,
or if their dog is
postpartum, some milk.
PETE: They just went for a jog.
They'll probably be
back in a couple minutes.
Let's get out to the mailboxes.
Pete says they'll be
jogging by any second.
What about Ever Creek?
I don't think the
reception will go that far.
Oh, uh, we could just
call them back later.
Are you joking?
We're six hours in.
We're not hanging up.
I showered with this phone in a bag.
He looked ridiculous.
I mean, I imagine he looked ridiculous.
Sam, allow me.
We ghosts can't do much,
but we can wait on hold.
And certain, very powerful ghosts,
can even press one
to remain on the line.
[ALBERTA LAUGHS]
My man can leave the property.
- You know he can.
- [LAUGHS]
- ALBERTA: Ooh, so powerful.
- PETE: That's right, baby.
Oh, God, where do we look?
Okay, so the ghosts are in
place for the yelling line
in case anyone from Ever
Creek picks up the phone.
Hetty, give a test yell!
Samantha's posture
is not that of someone
attempting to make a
good first impression!
- Loud and clear!
- Here they come, here they come.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, my God. Garrett and Libby, hi.
Uh, hey.
What are you guys doing
here? We're checking our mail.
Good improv, Jay. A
little first thought,
but sometimes the first
thought's the best thought.
Uh, we actually just rented
a house in the neighborhood.
The Farnsbys'?
Oh, no way. We live just down the road.
- [CHUCKLES] Welcome.
- JAY: Yeah.
We love it here.
It's so nice to get
out of the city, huh?
Oh, yeah, the city was driving us crazy.
I mean, not crazy. Crazy
was a poor choice of words.
PETE: Oh, because they
heard that you were crazy.
Oh, that's sensitive of them.
Yeah, it's a great area.
We just got a new brunch spot. Nena's.
Oh, we tried to go there this morning.
Yeah, but the line was, like, nuts.
Not nuts. It was long.
- The line there was long, is
- Mm-hmm.
So how are you liking the Farnsbys'?
It's great.
You know, we were thinking
about turning one of the bedrooms
into a media room,
but is it rude to move
all the furniture around in a rental?
- I'm sure they wouldn't mind.
- GARRETT: Oh.
- Really? That's great.
- Yeah.
HETTY: Strike while the iron is hot!
Extend a social invitation!
Uh, so speaking about great
restaurants in the area,
which is something we
recently talked about
before we talked about something else.
Power through.
Uh, anyway, we have a restaurant.
[LAUGHS] Jay is the chef.
JAY: It's called Mahesh. Uh,
you guys should join us
for dinner there tonight.
Yeah. It'd be so fun.
Sure. Why not?
They got a why not!
HETTY: Resigned acceptance!
We'll take it!
BJORN: Father!
Wedding is tomorrow! [LAUGHS]
So happy to get to share
this special day with you!
Me, too, son!
Will be moment I cherish for eternity!
[TUTS] Okay.
Wait, what happening?
[GRUNTS]
You don't think it's weird
in front of the window?
No, babe, the point of a home theater
is that it's dark. This is good.
BJORN: Father!
They intend to block the window!
Your attendance at the
wedding is in jeopardy!
Father!
No!
- To our victory at the mailbox.
- [LAUGHS]
FLOWER: Ooh, what are they celebrating?
The most incremental
bit of forward movement
in a potential friendship
with the couple renting
the Farnsby house.
Disaster has struck!
What's wrong, Thor?
New renters move furniture
in front of screaming window.
Thor can't see son. Will miss wedding.
This time next year, we're
gonna be scavenger-hunting
on a beach in Bimini. [LAUGHS]
That is if, in fact,
Bimini is by the ocean.
I'm 80% sure it's an island.
I'm 100 years dead and even
I know you can look that up.
Jay, Garrett and Libby moved a bookcase
in front of the screaming window.
But how's Thor gonna see the wedding?
Yeah, that's the problem.
Thor, this is solvable.
Samantha and Jay will
simply broach the subject
at their upcoming dinner tonight
and get the couple to
remove the offending object.
Yes. So simple.
You look troubled. Why
are you looking troubled?
Samantha, I would
hate for you to trample
this nascent friendship
with an awkward request
for something that should
be none of your concern.
THORFINN: Samantha, please.
Son's wedding mean everything to Thor.
Thor not there for son's first kill.
Not there for Bjorn's first orgy.
That's so sad.
Thor not there Bjorn's first wedding,
so need to be there for this one.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS]
If there's an opening, we'll
bring up moving the bookcase.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- JAY: Damn it,
we were on such a "not
weird" roll with this couple.
I mean, the successful
interaction at the mailbox
Oh, okay, I guess that's all there was.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
Please continue to hold.
And thank you for choosing Ever Creek,
the Hudson Valley's only
choice in water delivery.
Why are they so proud of that?
Dude, you're still on hold?
It's been a nightmare.
I mean, I did get a brief chuckle
when she said I was 69th in line,
but other than that, it's been a slog.
So, just walk away. Who cares?
The thing is, I have a theory.
Carol hit the mother lode.
She did a mitzvah so huge
it resulted in an
immediate ticket upstairs.
We should've jumped on
that grenade. We blew it.
Exactly. And opportunities
to do good deeds that giant
don't come around very often. But maybe
there's a way to do a
bunch of little good deeds.
Like waiting on hold.
And then, eventually,
they add up and boom,
T-Money's hitching a ride
on the Suck-Off Express.
I want in. I can help you wait on hold.
No, no, no, no. This
is my tiny good deed.
You start helping, you're
gonna take half my points.
No, no, no. But-but-but-but
you letting me in
and sharing it with me,
that-that feels like
its own tiny good deed.
Oh, that's true. Okay, fine.
- But no one else.
- Deal.
We appreciate your patience.
Press any button or
say anything to hang up.
What are these options?
It's a rigged game. These guys are good.
LIBBY: This whole property is so cute,
and the food is amazing.
Well, if you do have any complaints,
I can take them right to the chef.
[LAUGHTER]
My man. That mailbox magic
was not just imagined.
Enough tiny talk. Bring up bookcase.
They are getting to it. This
is conversational foreplay.
What is foreplay?
It's true, he has no idea.
Um, do you guys know
about these couples' trips
that we organize every year?
Oh, my God, it's happening.
Uh, uh Whew. I don't know.
I think we've seen something
on Instagram, maybe.
Well, uh, this year, we are
organizing a scavenger hunt
on this beautiful island called Bimini.
[QUIETLY]: Yes, an island. I knew it.
Well, I don't know what
your schedule's like
this winter, but we do have
one slot open, if you
guys think you can make it.
We'll check. It's very
interesting. Sounds fun.
Cool as a cucumber.
I have rarely been proud of
you, but never more so than now.
Bookcase, now.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, uh, shifting gears
[IMITATES GEARS GRINDING]
Oh. I hate this.
What ended up happening
with the media room?
- Is it all set up?
- GARRETT: Yeah, I mean,
it's not a professional
job, but it works.
There was a lot of light in the room,
so we just moved a bookcase
in front of the window.
- Ooh
- Is that bad?
Yes. Bring it home, Samantha.
It's just not great in
terms of, um, feng shui.
Okay. Whatever.
- [GARRETT AND LIBBY LAUGH]
- It's fine.
- GARRETT: Yeah.
- Okay, Sam, they heard you out.
Samantha, with Bimini in the balance,
I do not advise you to
pursue this any further.
What? Keep pressing.
Here's the moment of truth,
where she chooses
between her own prospects
- and Thor's happiness.
- PETE: I'm rooting for Thor,
- but also Sam.
- Samantha, please.
So, tell us more about
this scavenger hunt.
Coward.
She did what she had to do.
Ugh, this is so boring.
Before Sam, this would've at
least been something to do, but
we have TV now.
I love TV.
TV's the best.
Ugh, why is a play so boring,
but TV is so good?
Look, we're, like, 50th in line.
Why don't we go upstairs
and watch one show
and then get right back on hold?
Right, we get a little
break, and then we come down,
we help Sam, and collect
our suck-off points.
- Great. One show.
- One show.
Maybe two, if it's
good or a cliffhanger.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
You are now 49th in line.
Plenty of time.
JAY: Bimini, here we come, babe.
Thor very happy Livings
get to go on precious trip,
while Thor miss out on most
important moment of afterlife.
Thor, I tried to bring
up moving the bookshelf,
but you saw. It was awkward.
I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to push.
You have to push.
You think village elders
just agree to jump off cliff?
No. Sometimes, people need little push.
I mean, "need" is a little strong.
You could've just, you
know, let them turn 35.
Okay, so I just came back
from Libby and Garrett's,
and man, are they singing your praises.
- Ooh, you are in, girlfriend.
- SAMANTHA: Maybe we should keep
the momentum going with, like,
a little housewarming gift.
- Cookies.
- Well, you better get over there quickly
because they also said
they're about to head back
to the city for the weekend.
Yes! That amazing timing.
Sam, all you need to do
is break into Farnsbys',
move bookcase for
wedding, then move back
so new friends never know.
Ooh, a candle!
Uh, Jay, Pete said
that Garrett and Libby
are going back to the
city for the weekend.
No doubt with tales of our
normalness for the friend group.
Right, but then Thor wants
us to break into their house
and move their bookcase.
Okay, no. That's nuts.
You know I am doggedly protective
of your social advancement,
but they will be gone anyway.
Plus, if you guys get caught, at least
that'd be exciting.
I mean, we got a couple ghosts
sitting on hold overnight.
- We need this.
- PETE: If it helps,
I happen to know that
the lock on the back door
is broken over there, which
is probably why Mrs. Farnsby's
always telling people
to come in the back door.
THORFINN: Samantha,
Thor own father die
before Thor get married.
He was not there to see Thor wedding.
Was wonderful day, but
touched with sadness.
His absence felt most strongly.
Thor says his own father
wasn't able to attend his wedding.
[SIGHS] That's rough.
We drank mead and had great feast.
Table full
many, many rams' testicles.
But two testicles were missing.
Those of my father.
That was beautiful, sort of.
Jay, I
- We're breaking into the Farnsbys', aren't we?
- Yep.
Yes. Pete was right.
I'll take "things Carol
never said" for 600, Alex.
She stole my slot in
heaven, the final insult.
Come on, this way.
Bet she's hanging out
with Alex right now,
laughing at me.
[JAY EXHALES]
Okay.
That is heavy.
- Someone's muscles are pumped.
- George the Puritan ghost says hi.
Samantha, thank you so much for
making it possible for father
to attend ceremony.
Thor can see! Grateful!
So glad you could make it!
Oh, yeah, there is a glare on the TV.
I can see why they did that.
Okay, let's get you kids married.
The wedding's about to start.
And I shouldn't watch
TV during the wedding.
- No, Jay.
- Okay, cool. I'll just be on my phone.
Idea: The Golden Bachelor,
but for young people.
They have that. It's
called The Bachelor.
What? Then why are we
watching these old bags?
I'll be right back.
Whoa, aren't you gonna
watch the final rose?
I feel like Gertrude's
about to get crushed.
Just got to stretch my legs.
[SCOFFS]
I mean, who am I kidding?
I'd get with all these ladies.
And so, by the power vested in me
via Sam, via the internet,
I now pronounce you man and wife!
Yes! Take her now, and
we watch as Odin commands!
Okay, I was thinking maybe
just a classic kiss the bride.
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER]
They're married now, Jay.
Great. It's an honor to be here.
Now, it's time we all hear
from the father of the groom!
Thor, buddy, take it away!
Bjorn. Judy.
Congratulations.
Oh, I think that's it.
So beautiful, Father!
It really was.
[CAR APPROACHING]
What was that?
Oh, no!
The renters are back.
George says Garrett and Libby are back.
What? No.
What happening?
[WHISPERS]: Garrett and Libby are back.
Pete, you don't need to whisper.
Oh, right. Garrett and Libby are back!
AUTOMATED VOICE
[OVER PHONE]: Stay on the line.
We're thirsty to help you.
- The worst.
- What are you doing?
I-I was just checking to make sure
we had time for another episode.
Oh, yeah, right.
You're trying to steal
this good deed for yourself,
so you can get all the suck-off points.
Fine. Okay? You're right.
But I-I deserve them. I've
been here way longer than you.
So what? This whole thing was my idea.
- You're being selfish.
- SASAPPIS [STAMMERS]: Oh. But you're being a baby.
You are the next caller in line.
You nincompoops, what are you doing?
We're next in line.
I'll alert Samantha.
- Whoa, whoa.
- The hell you will.
SASAPPIS: He's trying to
get in on our good deed
so he gets one step closer
to getting sucked off.
Hold on, you're only
performing this kind act
to accrue credit towards
an eventual ascension?
That's genius.
And it's mine. Samantha!
- Get back here!
- This is my good deed.
I thought they went to the city.
Cool, well, we'll just tell them that
when they catch us in their house.
Go out the window. That's
what the milkman did
when my husband almost
caught us in 1952.
We're not going out the window.
I'm just saying, that
trellis held Tommy,
and he was quite sturdy.
Milk did that body good.
ISAAC: Samantha!
Samantha! You're next
in the Oh, my hair!
- You got to get back here now!
- You're the next caller!
They're saying you're next in line, Sam.
You got to go pick up the phone.
- Jay, Ever Creek. We're next in the queue.
- No.
Estimated wait time, two minutes!
Hi there, Isaac!
What are you wearing?
Yeah. Uh, same thing, George!
Okay, you go out the window,
and I'll move the bookcase back.
I don't want to leave you.
Watch and learn, you two.
That's how you do a marriage.
JAY: I'll figure something out.
It's Ever Creek, babe.
We can't let them win.
Traffic was crazy.
Absolutely.
Why don't we just stay in
and watch a movie tonight?
Right? Like, we have
that whole media room.
I like that.
LIBBY: So what movie you want to watch?
GARRETT: I don't know.
They have a ton of DVDs.
It's been a minute since
I've been in the closet.
They have Swingers. I love this movie.
Oh, no. Is not what they think it is.
- Let's watch it.
- All right.
No. Not on my wedding day.
Well, isn't this a rare string
of wins for our young couple.
You pulled off a Viking
wedding, you managed
not to alienate your new friends,
and you are soon to be Bimini-bound.
And don't forget you successfully
canceled your water account.
Thanks to me.
- And me.
- Mostly me.
Wait, why does Jay seem so upset?
Well, while Jay was
trapped in the closet,
Garrett and Libby put on some
unfortunate viewing material.
You okay, babe?
The sounds.
I can still hear them.
PETE: You're lucky you just heard them.
I saw things. Bad things.
I'm confused. Why
didn't Garrett and Libby
just turn off the
septuagenarian erotica?
None of us could move.
So many knees popping.
Thought it was the Fourth of July.
Gross.
Who am I kidding? I'd watch that.