Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s05e02 Episode Script

1
MRS BROWN CACKLES
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
She's Mrs Brown Agnes
That's Mrs Brown Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
SHE GRUNTS
SHE GROANS
Hello, campers!
As they used to say in Hi-de-Hi!
Hi-de-Hi!, you know, it was a comedy
based in Maplins Holiday
Oh, it doesn't matter.
We never had a real holiday
when I was a child.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
We couldn't afford it.
You see, my father invested
all his money in sick horses.
He didn't know they were sick
at the time he backed them.
No, no, we had nothing, thanks to him.
Even at Holy Communion time,
all the girls got little white dresses.
Me? I got a veil, and he let me
look out the window.
Mm
All I had was hand-me-downs.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I was the only girl in my ballet
class with football boots.
Hello, Mrs Brown, I'm just heading off.
Oh, hello, Dr Flynn. I didn't know
he was down for a checkup.
No, I was just dropping in
some pamphlets to Grandad
that he asked me about, about homes.
Oh, funeral homes. It's getting
to that time, all right.
Now, what we do is we let him
pick the best coffin he can,
and we'll bury him in a cardboard box.
Not funeral homes, care homes.
Care homes?
Yeah. Some lovely ones.
But I'm sure he'll choose
what's right for him.
I'm sure he will. Right, I'm off.
Yeah, see you, Dr Flynn.
Are you all right, Grandad? I'm fine.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Are you here, Agnes?
Do you want a cup of tea?
Not if it's going to depress you.
No, it's not
Do you feckin' want one or not?
Yeah. I had to get out of the house.
My Enzo is fixing his motorbike -
in the kitchen.
Why did you call him Enzo?
Was his father Italian?
I don't know, he paid me in sterling.
I remember thinking,
"That's the end, so"
so I called him Enzo!
Well, I won't ask you
about your youngest, Little Willy.
I'd love to tell you
it's a lo-o-ong story.
But it's not.
How are yous? How are you, Winnie?
Cup of tea, Agnes, please. Coming up.
Winnie, did I see you
in the village this morning
coming out of the joke shop?
Yeah. I'm exhausted.
I've been looking all morning
for a costume.
A costume? For what?
For Father Damien's
yearly thingy, you know,
Stars Of Finglas.
So, what costume did you pick?
I'm not saying! It's a surprise.
What is your talent? Impersonations. Oh!
You should try impersonating a human.
It's a surprise.
I look forward to seeing it, so.
Birdie? Yeah?
Did Grandad mention anything to you
about care homes? No, why?
Nothing, just thinking.
My mother was in a care home,
Agnes, and she loved it there.
I've never seen her so happy.
Yeah, it was beautiful.
Beautiful, yeah.
Right, OK. I'll see yous.
See you, Birdie. See you, Birdie.
See you, Grandad!
Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson! Birdie.
She's in the kitchen. As always.
Morning, Agnes.
Yeah, hello, Hilliary. Er
Do sit down.
Morning, Hillary. Yes.
I'm here on an important mission.
Do you want tea?
Have you got anything herbal?
Me shampoo.
No, thank you.
So, I'm putting together a petition,
and I'd like to get your signature.
What's it about? Well, it's a demand
about the sewage plant.
What about it?
It stinks.
I'm shocked!
A sewage plant that stinks?
But there's no reason for it.
There are ways to reduce the
..let's say emissions,
that are not being implemented
at our local plant.
I'll sign it, but I know the council
will say that, just like you,
it's full of shit.
Cathy, is there something
bothering your mother?
Not that I know of, Father. She did
say she was worried about Grandad
because he's not eating. She should
do what my mother used to do.
She'd get a spoonful of food and go,
"The train is coming!
Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga!
"Choo-choo! Choo-choo!"
And you'd eat your food?
Oh, you'd have to, Cathy,
otherwise she wouldn't
untie you from the tracks. Stop!
Aye, aye, here's the shite detective.
Inspector Pooseau.
Well, ladies, I've got vox populi.
Oh good, well, keep using the cream
twice a day.
It's Latin, dear, "Voice of the people",
the people have spoken.
And what does vox popu-lilo say?
My petition. 200 signatures
have forced the sewage plant
to implement changes to remove
the foul odours it spews.
That's nice.
Veni, vidi, vici. What?
I think Cathy got me
a bottle of that for Christmas.
Latin again.
It's a well-known phrase.
"I came, I saw, I conquered."
I've used a phrase like that. Mm?
I came, give me a fag, now feck off.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
You know, I did Latin in school.
I was in your class in school,
I don't remember that.
Well, maybe it wasn't Latin.
What language does the word
"redundant" come from?
English. Ah, it was English, so.
It'll come in handy if I visit London.
But you already Birdie,
just leave it there.
I feel sorry for schoolkids nowadays,
the amount of homework they get.
Bono does be exhausted.
Yeah, well, at least they don't
get the cane any more, Agnes.
I was terrified of our old teacher.
With good reason. If we made a mistake,
we got 20 lashes across our knuckles.
In my school, we got our arses caned.
OK Mm.
Mind you, I only ever got it the once.
You must've been well behaved, so.
No, I just encouraged the teacher.
To hit you? Mind games, Agnes.
He whipped me and I went
SHE GASPS
"Thank you, sir.
"I'm such a bad girl, aren't I, sir?"
You mad bitch!
Never caned me after that.
Evening, ladies. Hello, Father.
There seems to be
a couple of empty slots
on the entrance form
for the Finglas Talent Show.
What are you raising money for
this year, Father?
I'm changing the Holy Sacrament
wafers to low fat, vegan
and gluten free.
We'll soon be getting "I Can't
Believe It's Not Jesus".
Father, I will not be
in the talent show this year.
What?! But it'll be crap
without you, Mrs Brown.
I know. Ah, don't worry, Father,
I'll be there.
Give me the form, love.
I'm begging you, Mrs Brown.
No, Father, I have too much
on me mind at the moment and
Grandad's not himself.
I was actually hoping
you'd be a judge this year.
She's made her decision, Father, so
deal with it.
Well, just hold on, Winnie,
let the Father speak.
You wanted me on the panel?
To replace me. Myself and Trevor
have been working on an act.
Now, now, Damien,
we don't want to give it away.
They'll never guess it!
Simon & Garfunkel.
I hate them. Me too, yeah.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No, I'm not, now fuck off
and take the guitar with you.
I told you we should've done Oasis.
Relax, Damien,
we'll think of something else.
Will you be a judge, Mammy?
Who's the head judge?
Mrs Nicholson. That's nice.
I'll pass.
Are you not entering the show, Birdie?
No, I don't really have any talents.
I've heard you sing.
You sing like a bird, you do. Oh
Fuckin' goose.
Yeah, but I'd be too shy,
like, to sing in public, Agnes.
Ah, there must be something
you can do, Birdie?
Ah feck it, I'm going
to put me name down.
Sure, what's the worst that can happen?
That's the spirit, Birdie! Go, girl.
I'll just need to find a place
to hang me pole.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
BOTH CHOKE
Breathe, Mrs McGoogan!
Thanks, Maria. Oh!
I'm all right now, love.
Urgh!
Are you all right, Mammy? Urgh!
I went down the wrong pole.
Hole! Hole!
It went down the pole
and then Oh, urgh!
Have you girls entered the competition?
Oh, not yet. Father Damien
wants one of us to be host.
Oh, Maria, you'd be great at that.
Thanks, Mrs Brown. Er, hello?!
Hiya, Cathy.
No, Maria, you really would
be great at that.
Hey, Ma!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, boys!
Oh, let me guess, yous are promoting
Murphy's Circus,
coming to town next week.
Ha, we sure are! How did you guess?
Call it women's intuition.
Well, what's your pitch?
HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY
HE CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY
Roll up, roll up,
come and see the circus!
See the fat man bouncing
on the skinny man's
Willy, shut the tent,
there's a draught coming
from the elephant's
Ho-o-old your tickets
for the next show!
Very good.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it, Ma. Thanks, Dermot.
Well, Buster, I believe
you're doing stand-up comedy
at the talent show. Ha-ha, yeah!
Ah, oh, I'm so sorry, wrong house.
No, it's the right house, Father.
My God, it's you, Birdie.
So, Buster, give me a sample
of your stand-up.
I don't just mean stand up,
I mean tell me a joke!
A man walks into a bar,
he says, "Ouch!"
It's an iron bar.
Buster, don't do that one.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Ah, hello, Father Damien.
Birdie?! The breasts threw me.
I get that, Dermot,
I can see your titties.
Come on, Buster, let's get back to work.
Dermo A man walks into a bar
Heard it!
Would you like a cup of tea, Father?
No, thanks.
I'm just here to make a final plea
for you to judge the talent show.
Thank you very much, but, no,
I-I have too much on me mind.
OK. Is it anything I can help with?
Very nice.
When are you going?
I'm not feckin' going!
Grandad wants to go.
Oh But I don't know why.
Would you like me to talk
to him? He listens to me.
Really? Yes!
I'll be glad to.
Five, four, three Hello, Grandad?
two, one. I-I just want a word.
Feck off!
Right, Mrs Brown. That's me away.
Bye! See you, Father.
All right
what's all this about?
What's all what about?
This - care homes.
I'm leaving.
Are you, now? Yes.
OK. Don't try and stop me.
Stop you? I'll pack your buckin' bag
for you.
I can pack meself.
"I can pack meself."
I'm dying to see that.
You lazy bastard.
Talk to the hand
because the leg ain't listening.
The face! The face ain't listening.
Sorry. I'm a bit deaf.
Yeah, when it buckin' suits you.
What's all this about, Agnes?
That was intense.
Grandad going on about care homes.
No!
You're too young for a care home, Agnes.
I was caught completely off-guard.
I wouldn't have known anything about it,
only Dr Flynn blurted it out.
Strange behaviour. It was.
Is he even a doctor?
I'm talking about Grandad.
Grandad's not a doctor.
Winnie, shut up.
Maybe Grandad didn't mean it, Ma.
Oh, he meant it all right, son.
He packed three pairs of underpants.
That's not confusion, son,
that's commitment.
Maybe he was just looking for attention.
Maybe he was just looking
for a kick in the arse.
Well, that won't make him feel
any better.
It would make me feel better.
It's not like Grandad to get emotional.
Well Cathy, he did, I promise you.
Even Winnie felt it,
and she's dead inside.
Dead.
It doesn't make any sense, though.
Why would Grandad want to go
to a care home?
They have pickleball. Cool!
Focus, Damien.
So, when is he talking about leaving?
He didn't say.
He told me he was going Friday evening.
He told you?!
He doesn't even buckin' like you.
Did he mention why?
Because you're a bossy bit Sh!
No, he didn't really.
Mammy, just let him go.
Do I look like I'm stopping him?
Mammy!
It's sad.
It is sad.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
So sad. AUDIENCE: Aww!
So very sad.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
So so very, very sad.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Right, who's up for a pint?
Yeah. Yep!
So that's the meeting done, then, is it?
SHE SIGHS
DOOR CLOSES
Right, I-I'm off to the talent show.
Will you be here when I get back?
Probably not.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Well, I'll I'll say goodbye
now, then.
Goodbye.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Thanks for
AUDIENCE: Aww! you know
everything.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
You're welcome.
Good luck.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Bye.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
SAD MUSIC PLAYS
When is this going to end?
Relax, Ma. It won't be long.
What's Winnie's surprise?
I don't know, she wouldn't tell me.
Two men walk into a bar
You're funny, man.
Ha-ha, Marco! Elvis.
Uh-huh!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Who are you doing, Mark?
Elvis! I'm doing Elvis, baby.
WINNIE LAUGHS
That's very good!
Are you doing Elvis as well?
No! What made you think that?
Everybody ready?
Maria, I don't think I can do this.
Of course you can. Don't be frightened.
Everybody out there wants
everyone to succeed. Aargh!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
You look great, John!
You look great too, Edward.
But not as good as me, though.
Yes, I do. No, you don't!
Yes, I do-oo! You drive me mad, you do.
I do, what about you?
You're not even as handsome as me.
Yes, I am. No, you're not!
Yeah, that works great.
Oh, we were rehearsing?
I thought you were serious.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
SPOONS RATTLE
Mother of God!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
I'll get the drinks in.
Make mine a double, Dermot!
I don't know if I can put up with
much more of buckin' Evel Knievel.
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
AUDIENCE: Aww!
OK, well, we'll go to the judges.
What do you say, Mother?
Er
You need three things to be a star,
and you don't have any of them.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Dr Flynn?
Well, I've always said there's
nothing like a good spoon player.
And that's you.
Nothing like a good spoon player.
Er, Sharon, what did you think?
Well, I wasn't expecting much
from my mother.
And yet somehow,
I feel short-changed.
Well, I can sing something else.
ALL: No!
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor-blimey trousers ♪
Somebody take
that feckin' cutlery off her!
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
Mrs McGoogan, you will not be
joining Mark in the final.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
(AS ELVIS) Thank you very much, man.
Yeah!
AUDIENCE: Aww!
They went all-out this year -
big stage, fancy lights.
Yeah, but not much room for punters.
I mean, there's more people on the
panel than there is in the audience.
Hello, Agnes. Hi, Cathy.
You look great, Mrs Nicholson.
I know.
I was worried my posterior might
look large in this outfit.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Yeah, cop on, Hidly.
Oh, thank you. Ha!
Her arse looks big in everything. Stop!
Dermot, where's me drink?
I asked for a nice
Slow Screw Up Against The Wall.
The bar's closed
until after the show, Ma.
Do you mean we have to
sit through this sober?!
Relax, Ma, it won't be that bad.
OK, up next we have Buster Brady
doing some stand-up comedy.
Oh, God, shoot me now.
Grandad's all set, Dermot.
His bags are packed,
ready to go to the home.
I'm really going to miss him
around the place, you know.
Yeah, I will, too. Not me.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
APPLAUSE
Keep it clean, Buster.
Hello.
I was an ugly baby. When I was born,
the doctor slapped me mother.
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
AUDIENCE: Aww!
But when I was a kid, I knew
I was loved. When I had a bath,
my mother would throw me in
a rubber duck, a battleship
A toaster.
Yeah, ha
Three lesbians walked into a bar
BUZZER
I can dance. ALL: No!
Goodbye, Buster!
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Be honest, Mammy, you don't
really want Grandad to leave.
I booked his taxi for him.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
From the day that man set foot
in our house the very first time,
he's made no contribution
to this household.
All he does is take, take, take.
I don't know, Ma. Remember
when he caught Cathy's boyfriend
sneaking in her bedroom window?
No?!
If it wasn't for Grandad, Cathy
could be married to Tommy Rizla now.
Shut up, Dermot!
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
Well, at least she'd be married.
You let that scumbag into our house?
Yeah, well, Grandad bailed Dermot
out of the police station
for stealing cars.
No! What kind?
Police cars.
OK! If you'll all
put your hands together, please,
for our final act of the evening,
Birdie Flanagan.
APPLAUSE
What about when Daddy died?
Grandad brought us all to the
carnival in Bray to cheer us up.
Now, that was a great day. The best.
I don't remember that.
That's cos you were in bed, Ma, crying.
Um. excuse me, Dermot,
I'd just buried my husband.
And Grandad had just buried
his son, Mammy.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
You might not have always seen it,
but Grandad was really good to us.
This is all news to me.
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
Oh, let it go, Mammy!
Dermot, I will kill you!
SLOW MUSIC
And I
Never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well, then, close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember ♪
Where are you going?
Something I have to do.
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me
For sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for ♪
Right, let's go.
What are you doing?
If you're going, I'm going.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Bloody taxi hasn't arrived yet.
That's because I cancelled it.
AUDIENCE: Yay!
I don't want you to go.
What are you saying?
I'm saying stay!
Please.
I'll be no-one's burden.
It's too buckin' late for that now.
I'm kidding.
Look, Grandad,
I'll make a deal with you.
If at any point I can't care for you
..we'll go look at that home together.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I'd love a pint. Well, come on, then.
CHEERING
Elvis is at the bar.
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me
For sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side
forever mo-o-ore ♪
Yeah, baby!
BOTH: That's what friends are for. ♪
CHEERING
Ah
Well, that's Father Damien's search
for a star in Finglas over
for another year. Thank God.
It was a good night, though. Yeah.
It's amazing
how people can be entertaining.
You know, I mean real people.
The likes of Birdie getting up
and whacking out that song.
Or Mark, carpenter by day,
king of rock and roll by night.
I'd be lost without them.
And Grandad.
Is Grandad an arsehole?
Abso-buckin'-lutely.
But he's family, and in this house,
we protect family.
Mm, oh, oh, I know I give him
a hard time sometimes but
..that's only cos I love him.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I-I wouldn't tell him that to his face.
Too late!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ya bastard!
Bitch!
Back to normal!
Goodnight.
Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
As the best mum of all
she wears the crown
Mother hen watching all her chicks
Sassy old lady full of tricks
It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down
She's Mrs Brown ♪
Goodnight! That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
MRS BROWN CACKLES