Shoresy (2022) s05e02 Episode Script

1
(music quickens)
(upbeat emotional music)
(music stops)
("O Canada" ringtone playing)
(phone buzzing)
(Nat, in English): You think
this was my idea?
No, there's nothing I can do.
Don't shoot the messenger, man!
I just told you.
There's nothing
we can do. It's done.
You were serious about
that track suit, eh?
(Nat): Stop yelling, bro.
Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
-Was that Sanguinet?
-No, Han Solo.
-Where is he?
-(Ziig): The Millennium Falcon.
-Huh?
-At home.
Why is Sanguinet at home?
-He's not coming.
-Ziig smells like
a chicken coop,
but he'll get used to it
-just like everybody else.
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Don't worry, Ziig.
-New smells just mean
-you're becoming a woman.
-Fuck you, Shoresy!
-Why isn't Sanguinet here?
-Because the NOSHO folded.
Huh?
The NOSHO fold
The entire league folded?
(Miig): There were only
five teams.
We've been hanging on
by a thread for a while.
Cunt hair away from
a full on collapse.
-The Soo Hunt folded?
-They're the only ones
that didn't,
leaving them and us.
-What about Timmins?
-Not enough players.
-And North Bay?
-Not enough ice.
-And the other Soo?
-Bankrupt.
And there's nothing you can do?
We would have done it.
-I'm sorry, Shoresy.
-I tried.
Look, there was a lot
of buildup to get you to coach.
We can figure something out.
-(Shoresy): Don't be a liar.
-The transition to life
after hockey is tough.
We'll continue to be here.
-(Shoresy): Don't be a pussy.
-Then stop standing there
like you had a miscarriage, bitch.
Did you not fuckin'
feed it today?
Buck up and go
get your dick sucked.
Should just keep some fuckin'
crumbled up treats
-in a baggie in your desk.
-No one's more disappointed
than I am, Shoresy.
I grew up in this league.
I'm devastated it's gone.
-It's not that.
-Senior hockey is not dead.
-Far from it.
-It's not that either.
-Then what is it, slut?
-You pooped yourself?
He's probably sad
he won't get to wear
that track suit again.
(all): Oh, my God, he is!
-It's iconic!
-(all): What?
-This blue, it's iconic.
-It's a Care Bear colour.
Don't you think I look
like a celebrity?
You don't look like a celebrity.
-(Shoresy): Huh?
-He looks like gay Run DMC.
Well, not like a celebrity,
but like a personality?
You look like
a fuckin' popsicle.
-Bro, more baby blue?
-I think this is more
of a robin's egg blue.
-It's a hibiscus blue.
-It's an Easter colour.
You're a fashion guy now, eh?
I read in Men's Health
that your clothes
are supposed to make you
feel good.
-So?
-So, I'd never thought
of that before.
Ten seconds out of hockey
-and he's Coco Chanel.
-He's Lady Gaga.
He's Zendaya.
("O Canada" ringtone playing,
phone buzzing)
Anik Archambault.
(Anik): The NOSHO's folding?
Yeah, you gonna say
sorry to hear?
(Anik): Come to Toronto.
No then, eh?
(Anik): Toronto. Now.
Why?
We're gonna make you
an offer you can't refuse.
-Have a go.
-New panel, new personalities.
-Refused.
-Stay with us.
-Hey, Shoresy!
-Good to see you again.
-Hey, Mike.
-You try that Malaysian spot
I was telling you about?
(Mike): Yeah!
The satay was unreal.
Hey, try the beef rendang.
-One topic.
-One-time thing.
Where the game was,
where the game is,
where the game's going.
That's three topics,
all boring.
Welcome back, Shoresy.
Hey, Erin. You still
got your kid in dance?
She's the worst one there.
I told ya, put her in hockey!
You paying for it?
Your old teammates
have missed you.
How do you remember
everyone's name?
I'm so bad at it.
Here's the trick:
get good at it.
-That's the ticket, eh?
-That's how you build
a winning culture.
Mike, what is that shirt?
Birthday present
from my girlfriend.
-Put it in the garbage.
-(Mike): Fuck you, Shoresy!
Come on, Shoresy. It's clear
you had some fun around here.
One more, for old time's sake.
Well then, make me an offer
I actually can't refuse.
Gretzky.
Wayne Gretzky.
-Wayne Gretzky.
-Are we just saying words,
or am I gonna get
some actual information here?
You're going on TV here
today with Wayne Gretzky.
(inhales sharply)
Are you gonna sneeze?
I think a bug flew in his mouth.
Just give a second.
Are you crying?
(tearfully): Just give me
a second.
-Is he crying?
-Are you crying?
-(Shoresy cries)
-He's crying!
(Shoresy): Can I go sit
in someone's car for a minute?
-Why are you crying?
-'Cause my whole life just
flashed before my eyes.
It's emotional.
-What are you talking about?
-Just all those years I was
sure I was gonna
be a fuckin' loser.
You're not out of the weeds yet.
Just wish I could go back
and tell that kid
-he's going on TV with Wayne Gretzky.
-The Great One himself.
Just wish I could go back
and tell that kid
-everything's gonna be all right.
-99 arrives in one hour.
(Shoresy): Ah, fuck.
Just give me a fuckin' Kleenex.
(Mike): Use your tampon!
(Shoresy): Oh, shut the fuck up,
Mike, you tit fucker.
(Shoresy): Dad.
(Dad): Hey, how are you now?
-What're you doin'?
-(Dad): I'm at a
Actually, it doesn't matter.
I'm going on TV
with Wayne Gretzky.
(Dad): What?
Yeah, I'm going on TV
with Wayne Gretzky.
(Dad): What are you talking
about? Where are you?
I'm in Toronto, I'm at BROdude,
and Wayne Gretzky
is on his way here.
We're going on TV.
(Dad): Together?
Yes, just the greatest hockey
player of this generation,
or any other, and me.
I know.
(Dad, laughing): Shoresy.
I know! (Dad): Shoresy, and all
these years you were pretty sure
-you were gonna be a fuckin' loser
-A fuckin' loser, I know!
It's crazy. (Dad): Ah
boy, and look at you now.
It's crazy.
(Dad): I'm so proud of you.
Does your brother know?
-No, I'm gonna call him next.
-(Dad): You better call him.
Yeah, I'm gonna give him a call.
-(Dad): Well, give him a call.
-Well, Dad I gotta get ready
for the fuckin' Great One.
(Dad): Give him a call
-then call me back.
-Yeah, I'll give ya a call.
-(Dad): Love ya, have fun.
-Yep. Love you, bye.
(call rings)
(Mo): Yo.
Hey, Mo!
(Mo): What's up? I'm working.
Remember all those years
you were pretty sure
I was gonna be a fuckin' loser?
(Mo): A loser or dead, yeah.
What are you doin' right now?
(Mo): Bakin' some Timbits
then I'm on the drive-thru
window 'til end of shift. Why?
I'm about to go on TV
with Wayne Gretzky.
(Mo): What?!
-Yeah.
-Who's the loser now, bitch?
-(Ziig): Are you kidding?
-Don't shoot the messenger.
Do you know how many times
I've said that today?
I'm sorry, Nat. Ice
is harder and harder to come by.
We've got too many
players, too many teams.
Kids in sports
stay off the streets.
If the Bulldogs are folding,
we have to give your weekly
ice times to someone else.
-What a punt to the cunt.
-And once the ice is gone,
it's gonna be really hard
to get back.
-Just like that.
-There's no grace period?
-To what?
-To get our shit together.
The body's still fuckin' warm, woman.
-Ziig.
-What?
This is our barn,
our banners in the rafters,
our name on the marquee.
-Bulldog Hockey, baby.
-Don't shoot the messenger.
You can take the dog
out of the fight
We just won the country here!
How long do we have?
-I'm worried the dog will bite.
-(Ziig): I'm sorry, I'm just
a bit pent up.
Needs to get laid.
-How long?
-The basketball team
needs the Bulldogs
dressing room ASAP.
-What?!
-(whispers): Calm down.
The basketball team
also needs this office.
-What?!
-(whistle screeches)
Wanna talk about
that Sudbury church league
-thatot banned from their rink?
-Those guys play like psychos.
Anik!
-Don't smile like that.
-Can't help it.
-You'll freak him out.
-I can't help it.
I know, I'm excited too.
Say something so I can
check your levels.
I was sure I was gonna be
a fuckin' loser.
-Me too. You're good.
-Thanks, Erin.
Your one eyelid droops
a little bit though, eh?
-I don't fuckin' care.
-I'm going on TV with Wayne.
Gretzky.
What?
Wayne Gretzky.
Are we just saying words again,
-or am I gonna get some actual
-He's not coming.
He cancelled.
-Fer what?
-'Cause he's a fuckin' asshole.
(Anik): Em.
(Emma): No.
He's a fuckin' asshole.
He said he'd be here,
he said he'd do this,
so where is he?
Not here, not doing this.
I told my bosses
I got Wayne Gretzky.
I told my husband,
I told my friends.
It's the first time my kids
have thought I was cool. Ever.
(Mike): It's not his fault.
-Aren't you angry?
-Disappointed?
We brought you in
all the way from Sudbury,
told you you were going on TV
with your hero.
Now it's off.
None of it's happening.
I think that warrants
a little bit of irritability.
What do you think?
I think
Gretzky to Lemieux
for the win.
-Sorry?
-I think 50 goals in 39 games.
163 assists in a single season.
Are we just saying words
or am I gonna get
-some real information here?
-I think Wayne Gretzky
even planning
on coming here today
is still the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.
-(scoffs)
-You're fucking with me, right?
Like, the guy's been carrying
the sport of hockey on his back
-for 50 years. Give him a break.
-He's fucking with me.
I've gotta think a sports
icon, global celebrity,
and hockey god
is a pretty full card.
-He's not fucking with you.
-Wayne Gretzky has been
a superstar since he was ten.
Scored 400 goals
as a grade-schooler
and became a media sensation.
Look what other child stars
are doing right now.
You're lucky he doesn't have
a needle in his arm.
Yeah, being called
The Great One since fourth grade
might have produced
a slightly different reality
-for him than our own.
-Now, what's he been
doing instead?
Serving up legendary moments
for our country
on a regular basis
while remaining quiet,
humble, and thankful.
-The most Canadian things.
-Four Canada Cups,
a World Cup,
an Olympic hockey gold.
He was an executive for
the gold medal, not a player.
Not to mention four
Stanley Cups in a Canadian city.
Haven't seen one of those up
here in a few decades, have we?
See a playoff game in Edmonton
before you die. Trust me.
That's a city with an identity.
The City of Champions.
Because of 99.
(Mike): Honourable mention
to Messier. Coffey.
-Mike, oh, my God.
-Fuhr.
Shut the fuck up, Mike!
-Are you done, Shoresy?
-Not even close.
Sports bring
this country together.
(Emma huffs)
Think about all the times
we packed the bars
and then packed the streets
'cause Gretzky had a goal
and three assists.
Gretzky to Lemieux.
Gretzky to Messier.
Gretzky with the hat trick.
Gretzky does it again.
Yeah, we're standing here
with our dicks in our hand
because this guy doesn't show up
and you're not even a little bit
pissed off. Why?
'Cause the hockey world
looks out for each other.
Ya think we're just sayin' it?
What do you wanna do
with this segment?
Shoresy's got all the answers.
I've never been
more ready in my life!
(Ziig): Oh, come on!
They just found out
the league is folding
and that they won't be playing
hockey this year.
Thank God
the strip club's open again.
And now you want us to tell them
-to go get their shit out too?
-Why prolong it?
All on a Sudbury Saturday night.
Nat, that's cunty
even by my standards.
-I'll do it.
-We got you.
-I need a drink.
-She needs a dink.
I said drink.
Although
-She'll figure something out.
-Always does.
Go easy on her in the meantime.
Sorry.
I'd scissor a fuckin'
wheelbarrow right now.
(Anik): Really? You think
NHL Twitter accounts
are the biggest problem
with today's game?
You asked for an example
so I gave you one.
Well, in fairness,
Twitter may be the biggest
-problem with the world today.
-And I didn't say it was
the biggest problem,
I just said it was annoying.
Okay,
what's the biggest problem?
And don't say the crackdown
on fighting.
-The crackdown on fighting?
-That's old news.
-It's the crackdown on hitting.
-On hitting?
Yeah. Next you won't
be able to take slap shots.
You heard it here first.
And a big, big
problem is diving.
How are they
cracking down on hitting?
Well, look at junior hockey
in Canada today.
Actually, look at
the World Junior tournament.
Every hit is a penalty now.
It's their new strategy to get
hitting out of the game.
-Who's they?
-If you hit,
you take a penalty.
If you take a penalty,
you hurt your team.
You don't wanna hurt your team,
so ya don't hit.
Got us playin'
the European game now.
-Ooh, careful.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-There's lots of tough Euros.
-Kronwall.
There's lots of Euros that hit.
-Chara.
-It's just, the European game
was always about
speed and finesse.
The North American game
was about size and grit.
-Traditionally, sure.
-Like a massive part
of the success of Canada
and U.S. hockey
on the international stage
has been the hitting,
the physicality.
The guarantee that if you
play us, we will hurt you.
-Okay, take it easy.
-But with the new rule changes
and the crackdown on hitting,
they got us playin'
-the European game now.
-And how do we stack up
against the Europeans
at the European game?
Well, surprise, surprise,
they're better at it
than we are.
But, what do you expect?
They took away our tools.
-I see.
-Keith Primeau, Keith Tkachuk,
Billy Guerin, Brendan Shanahan,
Derian Hatcher.
-Scott Stevens.
-Yes, Captain Crunch.
These guys are world-class
hockey players
and these guys will fuck you up.
-Eric Lindros.
-The new rules cut the nuts
off players like that now.
That's the biggest problem
with hockey today.
The North American
game is dying.
Hey, anyone doing
a dump run this weekend?
-(crew member): Why?
-Throw Mike's shirt in there.
(Mike): Fuck you, Shoresy!
Shoresy
(Gretzky): Shoresy, I'm glad
I caught ya before you left.
Better say something.
Hhh-hey.
-I'm so sorry.
-I had some family stuff come up.
We had our seventh grandchild.
I really had planned
on coming up there.
I hope that's all right.
Sir, you could
close an elevator door
repeatedly on my nuts
and it'd be all right.
Honestly, I was really
lookin' forward
-to working with you.
-Me?
You're not gonna believe this,
but my sons and I, we watched
the "Burberry" Bulldogs
in the National
Senior Tournament.
You watched the Bulldogs?
It was really good,
competitive hockey.
I really enjoyed the game.
You guys are gonna give me
something to watch
again this year, right?
-You bet.
-Hey, I heard what you said.
-About the needle in the arm?
-Because I I was just
(Gretzky): About the death
of the North American game.
Sure, the style of play
might be going,
but that style of player
ain't going anywhere.
You know, some guys, you put
a hockey stick in their hand
and they become
a completely different person.
They can't help it.
They're just born that way.
The Canadian game is not dead.
Heh, oh and Janet wanted me
to tell ya,
if you want a future
in television,
you should think about
a trip to Turkey.
I will.
See you later and good luck.
("Don't Leave Me This Way"
by Thelma Houston playing)
Shall I get you booked
on Turkish Air?
(Mike): See if they can do
something about your face, too.
Mike, shut the fuck up!
(emotional upbeat music)
Don't leave me this way ♪
I can't survive ♪
I can't stay alive ♪
Without your love ♪
Oh, baby ♪
Don't leave me this way, no ♪
I can't exist ♪
I'll surely miss
your tender kiss ♪
Don't leave me this way ♪
Ah, baby ♪
My heart is full of love
and desire for you ♪
Now come on down
and do what you got to do ♪
You started this fire
down in my soul ♪
Now can't you see
it's burning out of control ♪
Come on satisfy
the need in me ♪
'Cause only your good
loving can set me free ♪
Set me free, set me free ♪
Guys, this is my friend Loic.
-What's up, buddy?
-What's goin' on?
He plays for the Sudbury 5.
-Who?
-The basketball team.
Just wanted to say, I'm sorry
to hear about you guys folding.
-We didn't fold.
-You look devastated.
-Pardon?
-Nothing.
And thanks for giving us
your room.
-We'll take good care of it.
-We didn't give it to yas.
-I'm sorry, it's loud in here.
-Can you say that again?
I said we didn't
give it to ya, b'y.
-Did he just say, "buy?"
-He's makin' fun of ya, Hitch.
(in French): No, he isn't.
(in English): Yeah,
'cause ya talk like an idiot.
-How does I talks, b'y?
-We usually just make fun of ya
behind your back.
How about big nuts here
-bringing it right to your door.
-Again, thank you and sorry.
-Yeah, Canadian contest.
-You win.
Where can I learn to talk
as good as what you does?
-Settle down.
-Doesn't matter how ya talk,
you're still gonna look
like an idiot.
-Who's team ya on, old man?
-No team.
We don't have a team.
That's why big nuts
and his boys here get our room.
-Have a good night, man.
-Hey, how big are your feet?
-What?
-(Shoresy): How big are they?
-Shut up, Shoresy.
-They'll never fill our shoes.
-Knows.
-Let's go.
You wouldn't take our room
if we weren't playing?
-It's our rink.
-We takes what we wants!
If it was your room,
I'd walk up and ask.
Wouldn't just show up to the bar
saying thanks, sorry.
-No respect.
-That's earned!
What have you won?
And hey, I left some
championship pedigree for ya
in the toilet far right.
(Loic): Yeah, whatever, bro.
(Jay): Outstanding
North American run by this team
of European all-stars
known as simply the EU.
They're undefeated
through seven contests
against NHL farm teams no less,
with one game remaining
against Edmonton.
I mean, I'm just gonna
come right out and say it
(doorbell chimes)
these guys are beating
the crap out of every
(upbeat rhythmic music)
Good, I've got the right house.
What's your name again?
-Shawn.
-Come in.
("Try" by Blue Rodeo playing)
(all singing)
Don't tell me I'm wrong ♪
'Cause I've been watching
every move that you make ♪
Hearts you steal ♪
When you're made-up in heels ♪
Trouble for the man
that you take ♪
Every time you walk
in the room ♪
What are you doing
over here by yourself?
-Huh?
-Like, you're over here
by yourself like
(fake cries)
-No, I'm not.
-Yes, you are.
You're over here away from
everybody else like
-(fake cries)
-Oh, shut the fuck up,
-you idiot.
-What's your problem?
-What?
-Huh?
-You.
-Oh, I know that look.
-What look?
-You're lookin' to scissor.
You do know that look.
Yep, you're lookin' to scissor.
I'd scissor
a barstool right now.
Oh, it's crazy ♪
(music continues)
What are you gonna do?
I just told you I'd scissor
a fuckin' hall tree right now.
No
Like without hockey.
I don't know.
No, eh?
Well, if this is it,
we'd better dance.
-No.
-Yep, better dance.
You're gonna ruin my odds
with one of these broads.
No, your face is gonna do that.
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Come on, we're dancin'.
-Let's go.
-No, we're not dancing.
Come on,
we're gonna dance. Get up.
My crotch goes nowhere
near your crotch.
Well then fuckin'
jump on my back.
-No! I gotta
-Come on, put your fuckin'
beer down, get on my back.
(Ziig laughing)
Oh, it's cra ♪
(music stops abruptly)
(Shoresy snoring)
(inaudible dialogue)
(volume clicks up)
(Jay): analysis on the EU
all-star team's reign of terror
against pro North American
squads,
we'll bring in TSN's
director of scouting,
Craig Button. But first,
we'll take you to this juicy
post-game statement
from EU coach Teppo Maki.
(Teppo): We are all aware
of the narrative here
surrounding European
hockey players.
Too soft, no grit, too pretty.
Maybe at one point, sure.
But North American players
are not at the level
they once were.
Our record here proves
that the players here
are overvalued.
(reporter): Those are strong
words, Teppo.
That's what you're going with,
overvalued?
Overrated.
(Jay): We're now joined
by Craig Button.
Craig, what do we even
say about this?
Thank God it's almost over.
Thank God it's almost over!
(in French): Turn it down.
(Craig, in English): Jay,
there's a brand of hockey
we used to play over here
that's gone by the wayside
for one reason or another.
The Dion Phaneufs
and the Jordin Tootoos
used to give you two options:
Run your head through
the end boards,
or take it off in the middle
of the open ice.
-(laughs)
-Yes, very true.
For whatever reason,
that brand of hockey
-has fallen by the wayside.
-Whaddya at b'ys?
(Craig): Well, guess what?
This team of European all-stars
picked it up again.
And frankly,
they're playing it better than
we ever played it over here.
I really can't believe
what I'm watching.
I mean, the average height
of this team is 6'5.
You're 6'5!
(Jay): Yes, 6'5!
That is the average height
of this team.
They're unstoppable.
(Jay): Unbeaten through
seven games
with one to go.
(Craig): This was nothing short
of embarrassing.
There's been no answer
to the EU's physicality.
No response to this bullying.
This was just a real drubbing
if I've ever seen it.
That's a great word:
"drubbing."
It's appropriate.
Okay, let's play a quick game.
Words I'd use to describe
the EU's North American swing
against Canada
and the US's finest players
not in the NHL: A thumping!
(Craig): Thrashing!
(Jay): A walloping!
(Craig): Merciless beating!
(Jay): Shellacking!
(Craig): Jay, I can't go on
any further
without drifting into
all kinds of profanity.
(Jay): I'll remind you this is
a family-friendly program,
Craig Button!
(Craig laughs)
This is a family-friendly
program, people!!
(Craig): All joking aside,
this EU team is too big.
They're too fast.
They're unbeatable.
-(Jay): Unbeatable, eh?
-Verified.
Validated. Confirmed.
("VHS" by Tony Romera playing)
(stirring electronic music)
(rhythmic electronic music)