Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e03 Episode Script

1
Okay, now let's turn the page.
Now this is a high-quality product.
Look at that workmanship.
Kids, we talked about side chatter.
We've been dealing
with these little weird toys called Labubu
since the top of the year.
The kids are obsessed.
I don't even know
how they're getting them.
I mean, they're really expensive
and that usually protects us
from the worst kid crazes,
but [SIGHS]
these little demons found a way.
The toys, not the students.
Keep your Labubus in your backpack.
It is distracting.
Margaret, hand it to me.
Wait, this isn't a Labubu. What is this?
It's a Lafufu.
- A what?
- And I'm selling 'em for $5 a pop.
- No, you're not.
- Okay. Four dollars?
Now you're talking. Sold.
[MARGARET CHUCKLES]
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
[YAWNS]
Everyone shut the hell up.
It's Teacher Appreciation Night
at the Phillies game tomorrow
- and we're going.
- The whole school?
[AVA] Obviously not.
We have eight tickets.
It's me and O'Shon and
Two non-teachers.
A beautiful principal
and a sexy tech genius.
A ticket for Mr. Johnson, of course.
Also not a teacher.
Yes, but he deserves one
because he was in the Negro leagues.
Whoa, he was?
Can y'all stop interrupting my generosity?
For the last five tickets [SIGHS]
I don't know, scraping the bottom
of the barrel. Gregory.
Yeah. I'm down. I've been meaning
to get to a game this season.
- I'll bring my score book.
- Melissa?
I've been trying to get to bed early,
but you know what they say,
you're only alive this one brief time.
I don't know. Barbara?
Yes, please. Well, I can't wait
to see that Kyle Schwarber.
- [STUTTERS] You know Kyle Schwarber?
- [BARBARA] Know him?
He's the best left-handed power bat
in the National League.
Been meaning to talk to him
about his stance though.
You know, it is hurting him
against the southpaws.
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]
What? I'm a baseball diva.
Gerald and I, oh we've been watching
the game since before y'all were born.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. Maybe
- Jacob.
- [JACOB] Yes!
Citizens Bank Park and the Phillies
have this Red Goes Green
sustainability program.
It's-It's pretty punk rock.
And the last ticket
Take me out ♪
To the ball game ♪
Janine, I guess.
Oh, no. Um, it's okay 'cause
I don't really like baseball. [GIGGLES]
I've tried watching it on TV. It's just
kind of boring and I
don't understand it.
I can never find the ball. It is so
small. But it's okay.
I'll pass. You can
Trust me, you will
fall in love with the game in person,
it is a completely different feeling.
She'll take the ticket.
Well, that's everyone then.
Thank me later,
and I mean it with y'all ungrateful asses.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
So it's just Principal Coleman
and her friends?
Every single day.
Did you get my text?
Yeah. Yeah, sounds cool. Thank you.
I haven't been to a game in forever.
You know, I'm
Anyway, you and I
are getting on the PhanaVision kiss cam,
so plan accordingly.
Okay, but you can't
just get on the kiss cam. It's random.
Look at me. Look at you.
We're gonna be on camera.
True. All right, bet.
Oh, also, we're taking my car.
I can't be seen in your hooptie.
But they don't have cameras
in the parking lot. [CHUCKLES]
You don't know that for sure.
We can't take that chance.
[MELISSA] Do you see it?
Whoo. Thank God this day is over.
I'm ready for baseball.
It's gonna be so much fun
as long as you don't wear that hat.
Yeah,
I didn't know it was bobblehead night.
[GASPS] A hat on a hat.
You're not gonna get hit with a
baseball. You don't
need to wear a helmet.
Yes, I'm sure everyone thinks that,
until wapow!
Yeah, I've seen
the YouTube blooper compilations.
It's gonna be great, I promise.
It's gonna be better than great.
We are visiting the first team
to join
the Environmental Protection Agency's
- Green Power Partnership program. That
- Jacob.
Jacob, don't ruin baseball.
It's gonna be a blast. You got food,
you got beer, you got a place to sit.
God-fearing men playing for his glory.
And they're nice enough to do it
in tight pants.
- [BARBARA, JACOB] Amen.
- [MELISSA] What's not to love?
Well, some people go
for the love of the sport,
but, you know,
whatever gets you to the ballpark.
Well, then, let's hop to it
'cause I got to count
all of the players wearing crosses
before I talk to Schwarbs.
Wait, they play in jewelry?
Isn't that dangerous? No?
- [GREGORY] You got your You sure?
- [JANINE] I got my phone. Yeah.
- [MELISSA] Come on.
- All right.
We can do this later.
Can't miss first pitch.
- Really? A book?
- It's in case I get bored.
I thought about bringing a wet blanket,
but I see we already got one.
You know, every time a Phillies player
hits a home run,
they plant a tree in the Delaware Valley.
Jacob, you cannot do this to me
for the whole game. Please.
- Hold up.
- Me? Oh.
Am I not allowed
to wear the batting helmet?
Uh, it's weird, but you can.
But that bag can't come in.
Oh, my God. Hey, guys,
just go on without me.
We'll be right They are gone.
Damn, they didn't even look back.
All bags need to be clear, small,
or left in your car.
All right, you know what?
You just go ahead and-and, um,
I'm going to run back to the car
really fast, okay?
I just need the keys.
And where did we park?
Also, how would one get to our seats?
It's okay. We'll just go together.
[ANNOUNCER ON
PA] And now the starting
lineup with the
visiting Atlanta Braves.
- Maybe we go quickly? Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hop on my back.
Gregory, I can run. Jesus.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
[JANINE PANTING]
Actually, um, if I I-I'll do the back.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
- [GRUNTS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANNOUNCER ON PA]
It's a beautiful night for baseball.
Remember we have to sit
in the middle of the row.
The PhanaVision cameras
never go for the aisle.
Seeing the stairs
makes the ballpark look empty.
Yeah. Yeah, I got you.
Mr. Johnson, how'd you beat us here?
I know some people.
They let me use the special entrance.
[O'SHON] You came in through the tunnel?
Isn't that where the Phillie Phanatic
comes out?
You know what? I don't even know
why I asked. Just stay focused.
Hey, Barb, what seat do you want?
Kyle! Kyle Schwarber! Kyle!
It's me, Barbara Howard! I'm a teacher!
- Look over here!
- That's a dedicated woman right there.
[ANNOUNCER ON PA] It's Teacher
Appreciation Night
at Citizens Bank Park.
Wow, we are really close.
Good thing I brought protection.
I mean my helmet.
- Oh. Yeah, I-I know.
- Okay.
Um, these are nice seats, right? It
feels good to be teacher appreciated.
[JANINE] Yeah.
All right. Scorecard, pen, red pen,
permanent marker.
We made it.
- Mmm. All right! So ball game, check.
- Uh-huh.
Peanuts and Cracker Jack, when?
Because they really hyped that up
in the song.
Uh, soon. The vendors will come by.
Oh, they come by?
How would they know when we're hungry?
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [JANINE] Oh. Oh.
- Is it a home run?
- Uh, no, the game just started.
Oh, okay.
- [CROWD BOOING]
- Oh. Uh-oh, now they're booing.
Well, they hate the other team.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- Okay, you're smiling. What happened?
- Ah!
First pitch, right on time.
Mmm. [GIGGLES] Which one is Mike Schmidt?
Come on, Phillies! Let's go! Let's go!
What happened? I can't see.
You know, I bet they could
start collecting all the sunflower seeds
and, uh, the peanut shells
and save them for composting.
I'm going to kill this guy.
Don't those two live together?
Stop worrying about them.
Look forward, stay sexy, and lock in.
I wonder where the landscaping team sits.
- Hey, Gregory. Do you know
- Huh?
Okay, that's enough.
I'm going to the concession stand.
- Excuse me, Barb.
- Oh. I'll come with.
I want to get a closer look
at their dual stream trash cans.
They're made
out of HDPE recycled plastics.
It's-It's basically trash
made out of trash.
Yeah. Well, Mr. Johnson would like that.
Hey, where's Mr. Johnson?
Where did Mr. Johnson go?
I don't know,
but he's missing the Phanatic.
[CROWD CLAPPING, CHEERING]
[CROWD WHISTLING]
Oh, did you put on that lip mask
I gave you last night?
No, I was never gonna do that.
[SIGHS] Put this on.
So my lips look dewy
after the kiss cam kiss.
Oh, yeah. Nah, baby.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ANNOUNCER ON PA] Now batting
for the Phillies, number 12,
designated hitter Kyle Schwarber.
[CROWD CHEERING]
That's a Schwarbomb.
Did you know that somewhere in
this ballpark there is a Phillies garden
- that provides fresh produce to all
- For the love of God.
- Jacob, please.
- What? It's inspiring.
Okay, here's what we're going to do.
We're going to do the 999 Challenge.
Is that when you try and swallow like
nine ounces of cinnamon or something?
No, what? No, it's nine hot dogs,
nine beers in nine innings.
- Oh, okay. What, like for a cause?
- Yeah.
Yeah, the cause is to shut you up.
- All right.
- Okay.
But also if you successfully
complete the challenge,
I'm gonna give you
your own shelf in the fridge at home.
I don't know.
That sounds like a lot of processed food.
I was gonna get a cheesesteak.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right. What,
with the organic Cheez Whiz?
Without.
No dogs, no shelf.
Now, are we talking in addition
to the door shelf I already have?
Instead of.
I am in.
Okay, two dogs
and two beers please, ladies.
Pay them.
Thank you. Perfect.
Hey, where do you guys source your dogs?
["I LOVE IT" PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
So he, uh, spilled his popcorn on me.
So I'm guessing something good happened.
Explain it to me like I'm five.
Oh, well, we're in between plays.
I think he just
really liked the batter's walk-up song.
This just isn't for me.
I might go home at halftime.
Don't tell me they don't have a halftime.
[ANNOUNCER ON PA] It's time
for the Phillies dance cam!
["GANGNAM STYLE" PLAYING]
Well, this part is fun. I like this.
Oh, my God.
Oh. Um.
My girlfriend's on the dance cam!
My girlfriend's on the dance cam!
[AVA] But she's on the aisle!
They're all on the aisle.
Who the hell's running this thing?
[ANNOUNCER] Look at that little girl go!
I think we have our winner!
- [JANINE SQUEALING]
- [GREGORY STUTTERING]
- No one ever beats a kid.
- [CHEERS]
Go Phillies! [CHUCKLES]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, my God. Another one.
That's two That's two home runs.
Is he gonna do it?
- [JACOB LAUGHING]
- Is he gonna do it? Yes! Ah!
- And the crowd goes
- Wild! [SCREAMS]
Okay, look alive, kid.
Round six coming up.
How are you feeling?
- I feel incredible.
- All right.
This is easy shelf, honey.
- The hell did you call me?
- [CHOKES]
- What's up?
- Oh, no.
What What if we did,
like, the 666 Challenge?
No, uh-uh. Man up or give up, you choose.
Where have you been, Mr. Johnson?
Handling business. Why don't you try
minding your own, handsome?
Oh, my God. What?
[ANNOUNCER] If you're looking
for the Phillie Phanatic, don't worry,
he's rooting for a hot dog challenge.
Oh. That sounds fun, right?
I have other plans.
Baby, I'm gonna run to the bathroom
after this inning,
but I need you to keep an eye
on Mr. Johnson while I'm gone.
For example, does he stay in his seat?
If not, where does he go?
Uh-uh. Either go to the bathroom
now or wait till the next inning starts.
The kiss cam happens in between innings,
and I need you on your mark.
All right, all right. I'll be right back.
Oh, no, the other team hit the ball!
And it is stopped by Sosa.
Sosa fires to Turner.
Turner fires to Harper.
Oh, my God, a triple play!
- [PERSON WHISTLES]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
That's it? Wait! No! Foul! Challenge!
Okay, chow down, buddy. There you go.
- What?
- Yeah, triple play.
It's almost the bottom of the inning.
It's almost time for another round.
[SQUEALING] Oh, my God.
God, I feel so alive.
Gregory, write that down.
Write down I feel alive.
- See? Baseball.
- Uh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, my God, look at this.
This is community.
You didn't tell me about the community.
Well, I thought it was a given.
[ANNOUNCER] Pucker up, buttercup.
It's time for kiss cam!
[CROWD CLAPPING]
No. Where is he?
Men never have to wait for the bathroom.
That's the whole point of being a man.
Who are you even talking to?
[MIC DROP'S "GET BUCK WILD" PLAYS]
Oh.
- That's not my man. [CHUCKLES]
- I certainly am not. Ew.
What do you mean "ew"? Ew me? Ew.
[BARBARA] Over here, over here.
Kyle. Kyle Schwarber. You are up next.
You've been out on your front foot.
Do it like this.
Schwarber, over here!
- [GREGORY] Oh!
- [CROWD GRUNT]
- [GREGORY] Ooh.
- [JANINE GROANS]
[ANNOUNCER] Hope
that little girl is okay.
Anything can happen
at a Phillies game.
Can we get that
camera off them now?
That young man
is going to be sick.
Everything looks okay,
although your breathing is a little weird.
- Oh, no, that's normal.
- Mmm.
- [STUTTERS] Big energy, little lungs.
- Mm-hmm.
Right. Well, take it easy in here
for a bit just to be sure.
- Okay. Thank you.
- I'll check back in a few.
- [GRUNTS]
- Janine, I'm sorry.
You didn't even want to come to this game,
and now you're on the injured list
and receiving first aid.
I just wanted you
to love baseball as much as I did,
but I forced it and now you
I love it.
- You what?
- Yes, I mean [INHALES]
look, I might not know
what a 6-4-3 triple play is
or how to "read a scoreboard"
or where we even parked,
but I do know this,
I'm gonna walk out of this ballpark
with stories I'm gonna tell forever
and even more love for my city.
[SIGHS] And if that's
baseball, then swing
batter, batter. I love it. [LAUGHS] Ow.
- You sure you're okay?
- [JANINE] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
40,000 people watching the same game,
eating the same snacks
[GASPS] waiting for a fumble.
- Strikeout.
- I get why they call it
- the beautiful game.
- Soccer.
It feels like you belong
to something bigger.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi, I'm Cooper with the Phillies.
You must be Janine?
- I am. Wait, am I famous now?
- [COOPER CHUCKLES]
- [JANINE] We will take the free tickets
- Uh-huh.
And I am literally
the biggest Phillies fan I think ever.
I got something
better than season tickets.
How would you like to meet
the Phillie Phanatic?
- Even better.
- Are the tickets still an option?
[PERSON] Whoo!
[CROWD CHEERING] Yeah!
[ANNOUNCER] And that's
Schwarbomb number three.
His 48th of the season.
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!
[CROWD] MVP! MVP! MVP!
- You can keep that.
- Can I?
[PARRY MUSIC'S "STADIUM CLAP" PLAYS]
Still can't believe you missed kiss cam.
If you had let me go to the bathroom
when I wanted to, I would've been here.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Baby, you got control issues.
Well, if we're being real about it,
this is the first time
I've gotten to sit
in the stands with
the person I'm dating.
Because usually they're too busy
playing on the field
or on the court or on the ice,
so I just wanted to do all
the normal people things I never could.
Because, you know, I'm used
to being with professional athletes.
Was that supposed to be a sad story?
Just reminding you of who I've dated.
I mean, even though your reasons
are a little superficial,
I admit kiss cam would have been cute.
So, I tried to do the next best thing.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
[CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING]
That's sweet.
- That's cute. Yeah.
- That's cute?
[AVA LAUGHS]
Good job.
Let's go, Phillies!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ANNOUNCER] That's Kyle Schwarber's
fourth home run tonight.
Yes!
[BELL DINGS]
That's right.
Let's do it.
I'm out. I can't do it!
[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
no one thought you could. It's okay.
You managed not to talk about
the environment for a couple of hours.
I'm gonna give you a shelf anyway.
You really pulled off the 999 Challenge.
More like 10108. I finished last inning.
Give me this.
Mr. J.
Don't mind if I do.
- Hey, Abbott group, right?
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
I just wanted to let you know your
friend Janine only has ten minutes left.
- Of life?
- [JACOB GASPS]
Sorry, I should've
phrased that differently.
She has ten minutes left with the medic.
- Oh. [SIGHS]
- [COOPER] She's totally fine.
And about to meet the Phanatic.
Wanna join?
Sorry, can't,
got something else to attend to.
- [BARBARA] Yeah.
- [COOPER] Cool. Game's almost over.
So let's go see your friend
while she's still here.
- All right.
- Can you please stop saying it like that?
- [BARBARA] Thanks.
- [COOPER] She's safe.
[ANNOUNCER] Congratulations to Kyle
Schwarber on his four home runs.
He now leads the National League.
- Yeah.
- All right, everyone, as promised,
someone very special wants to meet you,
the Phillie Phanatic.
- [JANINE SCREAMS]
- [GREGORY] Hey!
[JANINE GIGGLES]
- Wow!
- Hey.
[SCREAMS] Oh! Ooh!
I-I knew it. I I knew it.
You're the You're the Phillie Phanatic.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [BARBARA] Yes.
- No, y'all, no.
Mr. Johnson is the Phillie Phanatic.
[MR. JOHNSON] What gave it away?
All day
I've never seen you and the Phanatic
in the same place at the same time.
I never see you and Shemar Moore in
the same place at the same time either,
but I don't go around asking you
a bunch of questions about Soul Train.
Wh What? What about the green fuzz
that you had on you?
You kept getting up to leave
every other inning.
We ran into each other, gave me a big hug.
We go way back.
And I was getting up
because I had to go pee.
I hope that's okay with you.
- I
- You really believed that, huh?
[JANINE LAUGHING]
Oh. Uh, that's so nice. It hurts
a little bit though, but it's so nice.
Okay, folks,
we have one more special surprise.
- Oh
- Mr. Kyle Schwarber.
- [BARBARA SCREAMS]
- [GREGORY] Oh!
- [JACOB SCREAMS]
- [O'SHON BARKING]
Hey, guys. Thank you. How's it going?
Hey, I'm sure
that you get this all the time,
but I love the ballpark.
It's a beautiful home.
Oh. I appreciate that. Thank you, guys.
- [MELISSA] So cool.
- [KYLE] Hey, guys.
- Oh, I'm taken.
- Okay. I'm sorry. Um
Hey, so I heard I hit a little girl
on the dance cam.
Oh. [STUTTERS] That was me,
but I'm 29 and a half.
Oh, okay, well, I'm sorry,
these are for you. I'm so sorry.
Oh. Thank you.
Co-Could you sign my-my helmet?
I was wearing it 'cause
I didn't want to get hit in the head
and I took it off
and I got hit in the head.
- Absolutely.
- It was crazy. [LAUGHS]
- [GREGORY] Didn't take it off all day.
- [JANINE] It was his fault.
- Thank you. That's okay.
- [KYLE] I'm so sorry.
All right, Barb, now's your shot. Come on.
[BARBARA STUTTERS]
[INHALES] Mr. Kyle Schwarber, I've
been waiting all day to say this to you.
Hello.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, hi.
Um Can I sign your jersey?
- [GRUNTS] Oh. Yes. Yeah. [GASPS]
- Awesome. Yeah.
- Oh. And this too please.
- [KYLE] Awesome. Thank you. Yeah.
- I'll hold that. There you go.
- [KYLE] Absolutely. Thank you.
- You're not gonna resell these, are you?
- No, gonna sell 'em once.
- [LAUGHS] Good one.
- Hey, Schwarbie, do you know
the carbon footprint of this place?
[STUTTERS, LAUGHS] Uh
Mr. Schwarber, this is my boyfriend.
He's 29 and a half too.
You don't have to say how old I am.
Four home runs, man.
That's a hell of a game.
I appreciate that, dude.
Thank you. Yeah, that was a fun game.
There you go. Thanks, man.
What a night. It was awesome.
- He ruined my stats. He ruined my work.
- But it's Kyle Schwarber.
- [COOPER] How about a group picture?
- Yes!
[KYLE] Absolutely. Let's do it, guys.
Come on. There we go. Let's go.
[GREGORY] But I
How am I supposed to
[JANINE] It's okay. It's fine.
[COOPER] Everyone say Phillies.
- [ALL] Phillies!
- Whoop, whoop, whoop!
[MELISSA] You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna catch up.
- [KYLE] Thank you, guys. I'm so sorry
- Okay. Bye.
[BARBARA] Thank you so much. Great game.
- Such a pleasure. Great night, man.
- I appreciate you. Thank you.
- Four home runs. Wow.
- [MELISSA] Yeah, okay, that's good.
- [KYLE] All right. Oh.
- Hang on. I got something for you.
Okay, what we got?
That was a hell of a game.
There you go. Good job, man.
I will take that. Thank you.
And so I said to Kyle Schwarber,
"Son, don't be out on your front foot.
Keep your weight back."
- Not what happened.
- [BARBARA] How would you know, Gregory?
You were too busy coloring,
letting your girlfriend
get popped in the head.
[JACOB] Guys, could we maybe turn
the lights off and play the quiet game?
How are you this hungover?
I eat ten hot dogs
and ten beers every night. Grow up, Jacob.
Well, it sounds
like y'all caught a great game.
- [BARBARA] Mm-hmm.
- We did.
And if anyone wants to relive the action,
I got Kyle Schwarber autographs
50 bucks a pop.
That's cute. I got these Lafufus
signed by Kyle Schwarber.
You bought those signatures off me
and put them on Lafufus?
That's a smart kid. Hmm.
Is that a Kyle Schwarber Lafufu?
Don't mind if I la-do-do. [CHUCKLES]
I'll take two.