Ghosts (2021) s05e03 Episode Script

1
ARCHAEOLOGIST: Pack that carefully.
It's a precious relic.
MAN: This is a travesty.
You know not what you do.
Just let him rest in peace.
A curse on whoever is
responsible for this.
A curse upon their descendants.
♪
JAY: She's beautiful, isn't she?
The centerpiece of my
new farm-to-table menu,
the blue heirloom squash.
Grown from seed right here at Woodstone.
Have you ever seen anything like her?
Sam, do not leave that man
alone with this vegetable.
Jay is very excited about the fall menu.
We really want to get the
restaurant back on track.
Yeah, and since we don't have Satan
or any of his dark powers helping us,
I had to do something splashy.
THORFINN: Nothing more
splashy than old squash.
Guess who just sold four more tickets
to our first annual
Halloween haunted house?
Bela. The answer is Bela.
She's also forcing the kitchen
staff to work the event,
which warmed my labor-exploiting heart.
TREVOR: I still think
it's crazy you're resorting
to a bunch of fake blood
and verkakte costumes
when you got the real deal
right here, baby. We're ghosts.
Yeah, but your guys'
stuff isn't exactly scary.
- Excuse me?
- Don't poke the ghosts, Sam.
Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit
if I try real hard.
And my humming can be heard
in the world of the living,
if the room tone is quiet enough.
And if you wait until
Saint Patrick's Day
Oh, why do I even bother?
Thor have the power
to harness electricity.
Strike fear into the hardest of hearts.
(BELLOWING ROAR)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING QUIETLY)
Oh, was that Thor?
- Mm.
- THORFINN: See?
Bela terrified.
Tremble before Thor.
Hey, Bela, thanks so
much for taking the lead
with all the haunted house stuff.
Yeah. I just wish the
house was a little spookier.
I mean, it's derelict,
that's good, but I feel
like we could use some more
creepy decorations or something.
Oh, there's a bunch of
creepy stuff in the basement.
We could bring some
of that crap up here.
Excuse you, sir. Crap?
Jay, it was a little insensitive
to refer to Hetty's
family heirlooms that way.
- Mm.
- JAY: Insensitive?
Her husband tried to kill
me and drag me to hell.
Come on, Sam.
You would never treat me like this.
I'm telling you, get
rid of that thing, Sam.
Puree it, chuck it, just
get it out of the damn house.
Gosh, I love a good haunted house.
The peeled grapes that are
supposed to be eyeballs,
the zombie brains that
are just cold spaghetti.
Oh, zombies are a trip, man.
Can you imagine being dead,
but still, like,
walking around and stuff?
Yeah, that's really hard to picture.
Yeah, no matter what they do,
this home will never be more frightening
than the scariest house of all,
the U.S. House of Representatives.
(LAUGHING)
'Cause of the dysfunction.
How wonderful it is to see you all.
Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.
Well, it is Allhallows Eve,
which means we can bring back
a ghost who's been sucked off
and I plan on bringing back Chris,
the sky-diving exotic dancer
- who stole my heart.
- ISAAC: Right,
because he was sucked off,
as we all remember and lament.
Right, guys?
That is the story that I heard
and have no reason to question.
(CHUCKLES) A-Although,
um, here's the thing,
and you might not have been
aware of this, Nigel, but
in order for a ghost to come back,
the Living who's doing the séance
must have an object that the ghost
had on their person when they died.
Oh, dear.
No, I didn't realize that was necessary.
ISAAC: Yes, and we don't
have such an object,
so I guess there's nothing
we can do except just go on
with our afterlives and
never think of this again.
Oh.
What about the penis straws
the stripper died with?
- Excuse me?
- FLOWER: He was gonna pass them out
to the bachelorette party,
but then Sam took them off
his dead body and kept them.
- Why would she do that?
- I don't know.
She's a secret freak? Stop
shaming her, you square.
NIGEL: Well, this is outstanding news.
Yes, so great.
Oh, thank you, Flower.
Hmm?
Oh, I shall go talk
to Samantha forthwith.
It's been a hard few months,
but it appears my luck
has started to turn.
(CHUCKLES)
Flower, what have you done?
You mean, like, ever?
That's a toughie.
Um, acid, quaaludes,
I smoked a toad once.
No, I was lying when I said
that Chris got sucked off.
As you all know, he floated
away on his own accord,
and Nigel will be
crushed when he finds out
and furious at me for deceiving him.
Oh, no. Okay.
I have to go find Samantha
to get our stories straight.
I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?
Yeah, but if I didn't,
he was gonna smoke me.
At least, that's what he
told me after I smoked him.
What's this weird little clamp thing?
That's an elbow clip.
Well-bred children wore
them during adolescence
to ensure their elbows
stayed nice and pointy.
Oh, that's terrible.
Says the girl with the
rounded baker's elbows.
I don't know what kind of
theme Bela's working with here,
but this Egyptian
stuff looks pretty real.
THORFINN: That because it is real.
There actual mummy in there.
We were the first in
the county to have one,
which was very important
as the Vanderbilts
had just acquired the
skull of a pig boy.
Yeah, you can't be out pig-boy'ed.
Jay, apparently, that's a real mummy
in that sarcophagus, that
Hetty somehow acquired.
Well, that doesn't sound
like something we should have.
Still very cool, though.
We bought it from an
unscrupulous antiquities dealer
in the early 1890s.
Back then, mummies were all the rage,
their wrappings a popular cure-all.
- She eat his toe.
- Mm.
- Thor watch. Was gross.
- (HETTY LAUGHS)
- People ate mummies?
- Oh, yes.
Never did much for my insomnia,
though to be fair, at the time,
I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.
Whoa, it comes with a manual.
Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?
I got an app for this.
He pays $29 a month for that,
and this is the first time he's used it.
JAY: "The Egyptian Book of the Dead."
Dope.
SAMANTHA: "Oh, thou Only One,
who shinest from the Moon,
when Tuat is opened to the gods,
let me come forth to do his pleasure
upon Earth amidst the Living."
(WHOOSHING)
(GASPS)
Greetings. I am Amunhotep.
Son of Horemheb and Meresankh.
Oh, my God.
What happened to its toe?
- I'm sorry, what just happened?
- SAMANTHA: Uh, Jay,
when I just read that thing,
an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.
What? How?
Perhaps I could shed
some light on the matter.
The mummy is gonna explain.
Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a Living,
but I can see and talk to ghosts.
My husband, Jay, can't.
Pretty hard "C" on that "can't"
there, Sam. Felt aggressive.
3,000 years ago, when I died,
the priest who was supposed to oversee
my mummification rituals was waylaid,
and his replacement was not
what you would call experienced.
You got a second-string
priest. Continue.
The rituals were performed
incorrectly, and as such,
my spirit was confined
to my mummified corpse.
Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes,
this one is a doozy.
Much later, I was stolen
from my tomb in Egypt
and transported to a strange land.
A despicable family
known as the Woodstones
paraded me around like a trophy
at their parties and even
ate my toe.
Thor saw. Was gross.
Who is Thor?
Thor Thor.
Uh, how did you learn English?
I was unable to see my surroundings,
but from inside my wrappings,
I could hear what was going on.
Slowly, I learned the
language of this land.
So, if you were to ever hear
the voice of a Woodstone
I would recognize it instantly.
Their evil cadence is
burned into my brain.
If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone,
I would take revenge
by raining pestilence
and death down upon them.
Well, good thing there are
no Woodstones here anymore.
What?
There aren't, Jay.
They're all gone, right?
- Yep. No more Woodstones.
- That is good.
Forgive me, I have not asked your names.
Oh, uh, well, you've
already met the Livings here.
And Thor and Trevor, and I'm Alberta.
And, um (CLEARS THROAT) this is
(MINNESOTA ACCENT): Oh, hi. Hiya.
I'm Marge, dontcha know.
I died at a costume party in 1995.
So nice to meet ya.
ALBERTA: Wait, why were
you doing an impression
of the cop lady from Fargo?
(NORMAL VOICE): It was the
first thing that came to mind.
I don't know why, when
you encounter a man
whose digits you've consumed, you panic.
Okay, wait, so this mummy
ghost, if he finds out
that Hetty's the one who brought
his remains over from Egypt
and that you're one of her
descendants, he's gonna
I'm sorry, what was the quote?
Uh, "rain pestilence
and death down upon us."
That's hard to misinterpret.
- (ROARING)
- (ALBERTA YELPING)
Oh, where the hell did he come from?
I hate this haunted house.
Gabe, we're not haunted house customers.
It's Sam and Jay, your employers.
Oh, my bad.
In my defense, I'm pretty baked.
That's not the best defense.
SAMANTHA: This isn't good.
It's only a matter of time
before Amunhotep figures out
that Hetty and I are
Woodstones, and then (SIGHS)
- Then what?
- I don't know,
but we watched The Mummy,
- it wasn't good, man.
- PETE: Wasn't good?
It was some of Brendan
Fraser's best work.
Plus, Rachel Weisz. (PURRS)
You want to give that
review another run, Pete?
It was fine.
Uh, it wasn't really my thing.
Okay, let's just talk this out.
It was a, it was a scroll
spell that unleashed him,
so maybe, if we do a counterspell,
that'll get him back into his bandages.
That's worth a shot.
Pete and Alberta, you
guys distract Amunhotep,
take him on a tour of
the mansion or whatever,
while we figure out how
to try to get him back in.
- On it. Pete, let's go.
- Are you mad?
Oh, Pete, I was just messing with you.
Okay, 'cause I don't
even think she's pretty.
More like Rachel "Yikes."
Samantha, where have you been?
I've been looking for
you. I need your help.
Nigel's gonna ask you to
summon Chris the stripper
using the penis straws you kept
for some reason after his demise.
I did not keep the penis straws.
Wait, what's happening?
(SIGHS) Chris the stripper
had this package of
novelty drinking straws
on him when he perished,
and I held on to them thinking maybe
they could be used as evidence.
Then, when the cops laughed,
I thought about returning
them to his family.
That's a hard call to make.
"Sorry your son died.
I got his penis straws
if you want something
to remember him by."
Samantha, please, just tell Nigel
that you don't have the straws.
Okay.
I can see this is important to you.
(MINNESOTA ACCENT): There's more to life
than a couple of penis
straws, dontcha know.
(NORMAL VOICE): Oh,
just so you're aware,
I'm not Hetty. I am Marge Gunderson.
A small town police woman
whose husband paints pictures of birds.
Okay, Marge, this is crazy.
You look just like my
friend Hetty. (LAUGHS)
And that is mansion.
Before mansion, Thor live
here for many centuries, alone.
(SIGHS) I have been trapped in my
mummified corpse for 3,000 years.
They took my brain out
through my nose with a hook.
Okay, is not competition.
You know who else looks like her brain
was sucked out through her
nose? Rachel Weisz, yuck.
(SIGHS) I was just messing
with you. Move on, Pete.
If I could give you two a little advice?
Don't waste your time fighting
because you never know when
fate will rip you apart.
What you mean, friend?
'Tis a sad tale, Thor.
My wife and I were entombed together,
but then the Woodstones stole
me from our resting place.
Too rich to leave me alone,
too poor to buy the both of us.
Oh, that's so sad.
So, it's true, there
is a new hunky ghost.
I am Amunhotep.
Amunhotep.
More like "I'm-a tap that."
Uh, what is that?
Why is there a painting
of that woman Marge
who died at a costume party in 1995?
- PETE: It's not, it's not.
- TREVOR: No, I don't think that looks like her.
Marge? What are you talking about?
That's Hetty Woodstone, the
lady that built the house.
- Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
- Yeah.
Yes, I do. It's Hetty. Am I crazy?
(SIGHS) That is Hetty Woodstone?
Uh-oh.
Okay, this one might work,
but it says that we need an
amulet blessed by a priest.
Is there any chance
that we have an amulet
blessed by a priest around here?
I don't, but I do have a
stuffed albino alligator.
- Is that anything?
- No amulet, sorry, Jay.
Okay, I'll keep looking.
Well, well, well.
(MINNESOTA ACCENT): Oh, hey
there, handsome stranger.
The jig is up! He knows everything.
Oh, Jay, Amunhotep knows about Hetty.
What? Does he know that
you're a Woodstone, too?
- What?
- He's also in the room.
Well, you got to lead with that.
You shall pay. You shall all pay.
A curse upon you.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
Oh!
What was that?
A 3,000-year-old mummy
curse descending upon us.
Seriously?
Oh, geez.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
- Is that
- Yeah.
It's a cloud of locusts approaching.
Amunhotep cursed us.
They're heading straight
for the garden, Sam.
The entire farm-to-table
menu hangs in the balance.
(NORMAL VOICE): You know, a part of
me can't help but feel responsible.
- Oh, really?
- (TSKS)
I know I'm being silly.
Uh, Sam?
I know you got a lot on your
plate right now, but, um,
Amunhotep has reanimated
his mummified corpse
and sent it to kill you.
♪
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Oh, no.
- JAY: We could source
the squash from elsewhere.
I mean, it's a farm to a table.
Jay, there's actually bigger fish.
Oh, I'm sorry, bigger fish
than my heirloom squash?
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Amanda, is that you? Great costume.
No, that's not the line cook, Jay,
that's the real mummy reanimated.
He's trying to kill me.
To the crapper!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
- Oh, we're gonna die!
- HETTY: No!
Wait, we're ghosts, we can't die.
Oh, but we could lose our Living butler.
It might be centuries
before we find another freak like her.
- (GRUNTING)
- (SCREAMING)
- I hate this.
- Why do we live here?
- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- Oh, good, there you are, Samantha.
I have a rather indelicate question.
Little busy right now, Nigel.
- (SHRIEKS) Oh, God.
- NIGEL: Right.
Well, my thing is rather urgent, too.
It's come to my attention
that you are in the possession
of some novelty penis straws.
Oh, for God's sake, Chris
didn't get sucked off, okay?
He flew away. Isaac lied to you.
- What?
- Damn, Samantha.
Ice cold.
I'm sorry, Nigel.
I see.
(YELPING)
Okay, next Halloween,
we're going on vacation.
Oh, poor Nigel. Guy's brokenhearted.
Wait, a minute. Broken heart.
Maybe that's how we can get Amunhotep
to cease this reign of terror.
- What do you mean, Pete?
- ALBERTA: Oh, that's right.
He said, when he was taken from Egypt,
his mummy got separated
from his wife's mummy.
They had been entombed together.
NANCY: Oh, geez, Hetty,
you couldn't spring for the pair?
It was just very
expensive to bring both.
And, I mean, come two mummies?
That's a little show-offy.
You had a pearl toilet.
Jay, I think I know how we can
right things with Amunhotep.
Wait, do you hear that? Silence.
I think the mummy gave up.
- Oh, yes. It's gone.
- (HETTY SIGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
- This isn't that scary.
- Mm, well, just you wait.
- (SCREAMS)
- (YELPING)
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, did you scream?
It was scary.
You knew it was coming, man.
- Isaac.
- (YELPS)
I spoke with Samantha about the straws.
Oh. Oh, what did she say?
She has the straws
and will perform the
séance straight away.
What?
Does that surprise you? You knave!
She told me the truth.
Chris wasn't sucked off. He was blown.
Sorry?
By the wind. The parachute.
Why did you lie to me?
Uh, okay, well, Samantha wasn't
supposed to say that part,
but yes, it's true. I lied.
NIGEL: Unbelievable.
After all you've done to me,
you couldn't help but put your finger
in my bullet hole and wiggle it around.
Thor trying to be fly on wall,
but must point out that
it seem Isaac only do what
he do to Nigel to be nice
so that you not think
Chris just leave you.
Is that true, Isaac?
Well, at the time,
you were still reeling from
being left at the altar.
Doesn't matter by whom.
You were just trying
to spare my feelings.
That's a bit of a surprise.
Well, it shouldn't be.
I care about you, Nigel.
I always have.
And your happiness is important to me.
- Thank you, Isaac.
- ISAAC: Mm-hmm.
Although, it does bring
into focus the stark reality
that the man I thought
I shared a spark with
couldn't even care enough
about me to say goodbye.
Oh
I'm a sad, sad little man.
(STAMMERS) You know,
now-now that I think back,
you know, Chris did mention
something about a return date.
- Really?
- ISAAC: Mm-hmm.
When?
- Christmas Eve.
- For real?
No. I don't know why I said that.
I just don't like the
uncomfortable moments,
but I course corrected in
real time, and that is growth.
(CHUCKLES) You need help.
I know.
The mansion was actually built
on the ruins of a cholera pest house.
I'm just happy our
story's getting out there.
(GROANING)
- So fake.
- (THUNDER CRASHING)
HETTY: Amunhotep!
Please, call off the curses.
Why would I do that?
Because we, the Woodstones,
have learned the error of our ways.
I should've never separated
you from your beloved.
My husband and I were
products of our time,
but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting
your remains the way we did.
Though, not to toot my own horn,
- there were nine toes I did not eat.
- Hetty.
HETTY: The point is, I'm sorry.
And we might be able to
help right this wrong.
Amunhotep, we can reunite
you with your wife.
Tell him, Jay.
We did some research there's
this thing called the Internet.
Turns out, you were
quite a notable fellow.
So notable, in fact, that
we found your wife's mummy.
Where is she?
She's in a museum in
Egypt, and you can join her
along with your remains, if you want.
- I'm going home?
- PETE: That's right buddy,
and I'm gonna with you,
a-and when we get there,
I can recite the incantation and
free her from her mummy as well.
You and your wife can
finally be together.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
What's he saying, babe, is he happy?
He's very pleased, Jay.
Okay, so he's gonna call off
the locusts and the mummy?
And the herd of rats headed your way.
Oh, didn't know about the rats.
They were going to eat the locusts,
and then prove to be
a much bigger problem.
I had this whole thing planned.
Now, Peter, are you sure you will
be able to memorize this incantation?
You're talking to the guy who
does a word-perfect version
of Bill Murray's "It just doesn't
matter" monologue from Meatballs.
What is Meatballs?
(LAUGHS) Oh, buddy. We got
a whole plane ride to Cairo.
We're gonna get into Rudy, the sad kid.
We'll talk about Marty,
the camp director,
whose bed they hilariously
put in the middle of the lake.
Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs,
we'll move on to the extended
Ivan Reitman universe.
- Can I ride in my box?
- Nope.
- (GROANS)
- (LAUGHS)
So, it all starts in a
parking lot full of buses,
where a bunch of ragtag
hormonal teenagers
are about to have the
summer of their lives.
Mm, yeah.
PETE: It was really lovely, you guys.
I did the spell, and, sure enough,
Amunhotep's wife came out of the mummy.
Oh, the moment when they first
saw each other Tingles.
Pete says it was really sweet
reuniting Amunhotep and his wife.
Oh, I love that.
Hey, Jay, do you hope we
spend eternity together?
This is a "must say yes" situation.
- Yes.
- FLOWER: There you go.
It was a lay-up, but you
still got to make those.
(SIGHS) I will be sorry to
retire Marge Gunderson
(MINNESOTA ACCENT): But okey dokey.
Say, you happen to do a Philly accent?
(NORMAL VOICE): Well, that
depends on whether or not
you can move that glass of
- (PHILLY ACCENT): "Wah-der"?
- Say more.
I saw on the boob tube that the Eagles
- are gonna be good this year.
- Yeah.
- Let's go throw, uh, batteries at Santy Claus.
- (TREVOR GIGGLES)
- You like that?
- Mm-hmm.