Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s05e03 Episode Script

1
MRS BROWN CACKLES
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
Our Mrs Brown. ♪
APPLAUSE
Right, try this.
What does "yield right of way" mean?
It means, erm
..yield Go on.
..right Yeah.
..of way.
LAUGHTER
And what are you supposed to do?
I'd yield right of way.
Which is what?
Which is what it says on the sign.
Ah, come on, Birdie.
Ask me another.
OK.
Where would you see
a broken yellow line?
On the road.
Where on the road?
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, Birdie, that's a good one.
Erm
Pass.
You can't pass!
Is that what it means?
What?
The broken yellow line -
that you can't pass on the road.
OK. Feck that, I'm going to
check on Grandad.
How is he?
He's a little better.
Dr Flynn says he needs more iron,
so they have him on a drip.
Ferrograd?
No, Guinness. THEY LAUGH
Are you listening to that inside?
Mother of God!
Winnie's husband's car has been
in the garage for ten years.
She's decided now she wants to drive it.
She's in there preparing
for her feckin' test.
I swear to God,
she's going to kill someone.
OK, here's an easy one.
Right.
When a traffic light turns from
green to orange, what do you do?
I know this one because Buster told me.
Oh, well, Buster'd know.
Put the boot down before it goes red.
LAUGHTER
That's not the answer here, but
But that'll work.
Heya, Ma! Hello, Dermot.
CHEERING
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster.
So, what's the promotion?
Er, the pest industry are having
their annual conference in town.
This is their magazine. Oh, I see.
I was going to start a
celebrity magazine for the elderly.
Oh, lovely. I was going to call it
YELLS: Hello?!
THEY LAUGH
Some good stuff in here
for getting rid of pests, Ma.
Really? Try it on her, will you?
They were giving out free samples, Ma.
Very nice.
Put it on the counter, Dermot.
Thank you.
How's the driving test going,
Mrs McGoogan?
I don't think
I'm going to be ready, love.
You'll be grand.
Says the man who got it
on his sixth attempt.
Fifth.
And I would've got it on the fourth
if that instructor could've swam.
MRS BROWN SPLUTTERS
Here, Mrs McGoogan,
if you like, I'll give you
a couple of driving lessons.
Would you, Buster?
Oh, that's very kind of you, son.
No problem. I'll give you a shout later.
Thanks, Buster.
Is it an automatic or a manual?
Er, it's red.
Go on, the two of yous, hop off.
Go bug somebody else!
See what I did there, Dermot?
I got it, Ma. Yeah!
Oh, Dermot, on your way out,
put me bin out for collection,
will you, love?
I can't, Ma, I'm in me costume.
Fine, I'll put it out meself.
DOOR CLOSES
I have to go, too.
My Enzo's away for the weekend
and I said I'd feed his snake.
I hope you're not feeding him live mice.
Not at all. I'm giving him
steak and kiddly pie.
You mean kidney.
That's what I said, diddle I?
BOTH CACKLE
I can't believe you fell for it, there.
What? It's a joke, Winnie.
A joke? Yes, here's another one.
Look. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Oh, Jesus, stop the funeral.
What funeral?
The fella in the coffin wasn't dead.
Then, why was he in the coffin?
That's the point of the buckin' joke!
But he's a corpse!
And here's another one just arriving.
Good morning, ladies.
Hello, Mrs Nicholson.
Make yourself at home.
I'm here to discuss an important issue.
Did we know your man?
Who?
The fella that was in the coffin
that wasn't dead.
Who's dead?
Not the fella in the coffin, anyway.
Winnie, just go home, will you?
Hilliary?
Would you like to see my vulva?
SHE SQUEAKS LAUGHTER
Winnie, it's a Volvo! A Volvo!
Just go home.
Oh. I'm here to discuss
an important issue.
Yeah, well, what's the issue?
DOOR CLOSES
Well, the number 40 bus terminus
is currently Plunkett Avenue.
Yes. So what? Well, I believe
DOOR CLOSES
DRAWER OPENS, CLOSES
B-Birdie, did you forget something?
No.
I mean, yeah.
Me handbag, have you seen me handbag?
No, I haven't seen your hand
Actually, Birdie, I've never
seen you with a handbag.
Well, I have one that's lost!
OK!
Well, I I'll check inside.
No, you stay there.
I'll find it.
What are you looking for, Birdie?
Erm, me handbag.
What colour is it?
Sort of snakeskin.
Oh.
As I was saying, the proper
place for the terminus
is Mullen Grove,
right up by the church
and the village hall.
Well, Father Damien would be happy.
Exactly.
It shouldn't be a problem. Oh.
Any luck, Birdie?
No!
Was there anything important in it?
Not yet.
LAUGHTER
I'll keep an eye out for it.
Believe me, you won't miss it.
Yes, well, I was about
to approach Dublin Bus,
but I want to be sure
to have your full support.
Of course.
Wait a minute, Hidily. What is it?
Apart from the church, the village hall
and the vicar's rectum
..the only other house
on Mullen Grove is yours.
Well, it's purely a coincidence.
All right, say I do help you with this,
what will you do for me?
I will not be held to ransom.
Suit yourself.
She'll be back.
What do you want?
Leave it with me.
I'll think of something.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLE
And I will think of something.
SHE CACKLES
Oh, put me feckin' bin out.
SNAKE HISSES AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
Amen, amen.
Is it over?
Please, God, tell me it's over.
How did I do, Buster?
WEAKLY: Yeah, not bad, for a first time.
And I told you I would fit
down that alley, didn't I?
WEAK LAUGHTER
Yeah, it was close. It was
And I can get new mirrors, you know?
Yeah. And I can get out
your side if I have to.
Yeah.
OK, er, three things
HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
Yes.
Er, one, when you see a stop sign,
you have to stop.
Good idea! SHE CHUCKLES
Second, this car has five gears.
You're only using two.
Five?! Yeah, yeah!
And, er, third thing -
do you know what that is?
It's a mirror. Good, good.
Then, use it! Ah!
Now turn off the engine!
OK! QUIETLY: Stop shouting.
No!
SOFTLY: Oh, shit.
WHIRRING That's the heater.
I'm trying!
WHIRRING STOPS
Are we near the sewage plant?
No.
Well, there's an awful smell of shi
There is, Winnie, yeah.
I'm getting out now.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Cider, Agnes?
No.
Brandy. And make it a double.
Buster Brady destroyed my bathroom.
How did the driving lesson go?
Disaster.
I think he's in shock.
I think he's suffering from PBSP.
SHE LAUGHS
PTSD, Mrs Brown.
Post-traumatic stress disorder.
No, PBSP -
Poor Bastard Shit his Pants. THEY LAUGH
And she has her driving test on Friday.
What can I get you, Mammy?
I'll have half a stout
and a double brandy for Agnes.
Is Buster not with you, Mrs McGoogan?
Well, he was, but he said
he had to go home and change.
Said it was an emergency.
Oh, right.
Oh, thanks, darling.
Mark, now, you're a handy man.
I can hear a rattle
in me vulva.
LAUGHTER
Would you have a look at it?
Mark, if you're too busy, I will.
Ha-ha!
SHARON: No, you won't.
Volvo, Mammy, it's a Volvo!
So, did you hear about George Flynn?
Oh, the tubby fella from the chemist?
Rumour going around
he left his wife for a young one.
Where did you hear that?
Oh, I can't give away my source.
But it was at the book club.
The whole of Finglas
is talking about it.
Mrs Flynn is a stunning-looking woman.
Mm, in her day, Maria, yeah,
but if you seen her now -
if she was a car, she'd be written off.
LAUGHTER
Unless she had a big vulv
No, Winnie, Winnie, stop, just stop now.
Mammy!
I'm telling you, Cathy, she's in bits.
She's a right jigsaw.
Your mammy's right, Cathy.
Have you seen Mrs Flynn's teeth?
Only short of a white one
for a snooker set.
THEY LAUGH
That's terrible -
leave the poor woman alone!
We wouldn't even be talking about her,
only you started your feckin' gossiping.
Speaking of gossip
..I believe Sammy the shoemaker
is after getting a penis extension.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Well, his house must look stupid.
LAUGHTER
Well, I might as well tell yous -
you're going to find out anyway.
My father lost his job
at the insurance company.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Oh, no, Maria.
I was just talking to your mother
and she never mentioned it.
She's a bit embarrassed.
You know what she's like.
Lost his job at the insurance company.
I hope he's insured against it.
THEY LAUGH
I hope he's insured against it, yes!
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Oh, there's Birdie's handbag.
Who's a good doggie?
He's Mammy's boy. SHE CHUCKLES
You awake, Mammy?
Yeah, I am now.
Afternoon, Mammy. Yeah, whatever.
CLATTERING OUTSIDE
Birdie?
BIRDIE: Yeah, Agnes?
What are you doing out there?
I'm, er, I'm looking for me handbag!
CLATTERING CONTINUES DULL THUD
In the shed?
Well, you never know!
Birdie, there's nothing
in that shed but rats.
Not any more!
LAUGHTER
Vacate.
SHE TUTS
Grassy arse.
Oh, Cathy, did you type
that letter for me?
Yes, but what are you writing
to Dublin Bus for, Mammy?
Cathy, is it unusual for a citizen
to have an interest
in what's going on
in their local community?
For a citizen? No.
But for you? Absolutely.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it on me way out. Thanks, love.
"Propose change of route number 40 bus.
"I'd like to move it to"
Do sit down.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
Here.
Why, this is amazing.
This completely supports
the moving of the terminus.
Yes.
Now, let's get to the quick go pro,
go pro, de pro go.
Quid pro quo.
The what? Quid pro quo.
Yeah, that.
You are to give Winnie McGoogan
a driving lesson.
That's it? That's all you want?
That's it.
That is not a problem. Ha!
Ha!
LAUGHTER
We'll feckin' see.
Handbrake.
HANDBREAK CREAKS
Ignition.
SHE SIGHS
So, how did I do?
SHE WHIMPERS
Is it car sick, love?
That's it, yes.
You didn't stop for the policeman!
What policeman, love?
That one!
Oof!
Hello, Garda!
Hello. Is this supposed to be funny?
No, not at all. I'm terribly sorry.
Well, it was a little bit funny.
I suppose it was.
Mind how you go now.
Thank you, Garda.
What?!
You should be in prison for that!
Well, if you're going to be like this,
I'm not going to let you
give me any more lessons.
You clipped a litter bin,
you drove through somebody's garden
I can still smell the clutch burning.
All right, but apart
from those, how did I do?
SHE SOBS LAUGHTER
The doctor told my husband, you know,
he said, "You have to stop
masturbating."
And my husband said,
"Why?" and the doctor said,
"Cos I'm trying to talk to you."
THEY CHUCKLE
Here, take your endorsement!
It's not worth my life.
Oh!
I'll see you tomorrow, Hilliary.
Not if the sky falls.
Yeah, it's meant
to be raining all right.
But I have wipers!
Somewhere. SHE CHUCKLES
Oh!
Do you know, I think she's still upset
about her husband being unemployed.
He's not unemployed. No?
No, he's working part-time
as a bus driver.
Is he driving the 40 bus? Yeah.
Mammy, do you want me to post that?
No, Cathy,
I want to make sure they get it.
I'll deliver it myself.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Are you OK there, Agnes?
Never mind me, you keep
your eyes on the buckin' road!
Will you relax, Agnes?
For God's sake, what would you
be like if the car was moving?
Don't touch anything,
don't touch anything!
Oh, shite, we're moving. We're moving!
We're not.
You know, if I knew
you were going to be like this,
I wouldn't have let you come.
Let me come?!
You buckin' dragged me here.
Hold on, hold on, Agnes, here he is.
Here's the tester.
WHISPERS: What's he doing, Agnes?
I don't know, looking for a way in?
Oh, don't be silly, Agnes.
All doors on cars are in the same place.
Maybe he's doing a safety check.
Maybe he knows we're from Finglas
and he's counting the hubcaps.
THEY CACKLE
Oh
UNDER BREATH: He didn't like that. No.
Oh Look at the puss on him.
Yeah.
Somebody hit him in the face
with a buckin' frying pan.
WINNIE LAUGHS
Stop, you're making me laugh again.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
What?
INAUDIBLE
What's he doing, Agnes?
I think he's having a wank.
WINNIE LAUGHS
Window!
What's he saying, Agnes?
Winnie, he wants to know
if you're a widow.
LAUGHTER
No.
Press the knob.
WHISPERS: What's he saying?
Something about his knob!
Oh, Winnie, I think he fancies you.
Stop! I'm going to open the window
and we can hear him better.
OK.
I'm so sorry, I couldn't
hear you with the window up.
That's what I was
Never mind. I just want
to check your brake line, so
OK just press the brake.
Press the brake.
ENGINE REVS
No, that's the accelerator. OK.
The brake pedal stops the car.
That one makes it go faster.
OK, let me out of here, I'm getting out.
Agnes, relax, will you?
It's a simple mistake.
What is he going to think of us?
Who cares what he thinks of us?
Look at him.
He looks like a big penis.
BOTH LAUGH
I'll bet his name is Dick.
Agnes! Will you stop?!
I bet, I bet, wait and you'll see.
See when he gets in
Yeah? ..ask him his name. WINNIE LAUGHS
I bet it's Dick.
Oh, he's coming, he's getting in.
OK.
Mrs McGoogan.
Well, er, call me Winnie.
OK. Winnie.
What? Oh, yeah.
Erm, what's your name?
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
It's Tom. BOTH GROAN
Tom O'Toole.
BOTH CACKLE
I told you, Winnie.
I told you there'd be
a cock in there somewhere!
MRS BROWN CACKLES
Ladies, this laughter
is highly insulting.
And you, madam, should not be
in this car, so out.
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
I'll see you later, Winnie.
Oh, Agnes, wait for me here, love.
No, no, Winnie, it's not far, I'll walk.
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
Tom the Tool! Ha-ha, ha!
Can we begin, Winnie?
Of course.
SHE CHUCKLES
I'm so sorry.
Just go.
ENGINE REVS
SNAKE HISSES AUDIENCE: Ooh!
All I'm saying is, if you try
and do something perfect,
you get bored.
What are you talking about?
Look, if I see
a house that's half-painted
I immediately think,
"There's a man that got bored."
It's the price you pay for perfection.
Boredom.
What do you think, Mark?
What?
Sorry, I missed that, what?
You all right? Yeah, I'm grand.
Betty, is it?
MARK SIGHS
I thought she was coming home
this weekend.
She was supposed to, but
her mother got worse or whatever.
Yeah.
It's Bono that misses her
really, you know?
Me, not so much.
Not so much?
I'm going out for a quick smoke.
Is he all right?
I think he's worried
Betty is sleeping
with some chap in Donegal.
I hope so.
LAUGHTER
What?
I hope she's sleeping
with some chap in Donegal,
because if they're awake,
they're probably having S-E-K-S.
LAUGHTER
Sharon McGoogan?
Yeah, why? What did you hear?
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Sharon.
Your mother was in
a car accident this afternoon.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Her vehicle mounted the pavement
and hit a pedestrian in a shop.
Oh, my God, is she all right?
She has no injuries.
She's a bit shook, though.
She insists
there was a snake in the car.
Thank God, she's OK. She was lucky.
Aye.
Luckier than the pedestrian.
She's been taken to hospital,
unconscious.
MARK: Is it serious?
Touch-and-go.
SIGHS: I hate this part of the job.
I bet.
Now you have to tell
the injured woman's family.
Yeah. Mark, about that
AUDIENCE: Aw.
STEADY BEEPING
LOUD WHIRRING
Would anyone like a coffee?
We have your mother in an induced coma.
Apart from her back injury,
she arrived unconscious and
so we think she hit her head.
The scans should show us
if there is any brain swelling.
It's OK, I'm here.
Stand back, let me take a look.
Oh, hello. Dr Thaddeus Flynn.
She's my patient.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Dentist?
General practitioner, thank you.
I was just updating the family.
Yes, why don't we do that?
There were no broken bones,
although she has sustained
an injury to her neck and back.
Mm, indeed quite common
in any fatal accident.
I mean vehicular accident.
As for internal injuries,
and those are the ones
that worry me most
Oh HE CHUCKLES
..you and me both.
..we will know more when
the tests and scans come in.
I concur.
Coffee?
COFFEE MACHINE WHIRS
I-I'm so sorry!
Winnie, we know it was an accident.
A freak accident.
Yeah, it could happen to anyone -
that's driving on a footpath.
LAUGHTER
No-one's blaming you, Winnie.
Of course not.
We all know she's your best friend.
Why would you kill her?
I I mean I mean damage, damage.
Look, everything's going to be fine.
It was the snake!
Now, now, Mrs McGoogan,
the tester was only doing his job.
No! It was a real snake.
Mark, does your mother smoke?
For God's sake, madam,
have some decency.
Go and ask someone else for a cigarette.
Damien, what are you doing?
Nothing.
Is that the last rites paraphernalia?
Maybe.
I'm sure everyone has
a nice story about Mammy.
I remember when I was inside,
she came to visit me every week
without fail.
Some of the lads thought
she worked in the prison.
ALL LAUGH
Do you remember
when she tried to wax herself?
Oh, God.
MRS BROWN: 180!
LOUD RIPPING
MRS BROWN YELLS
I remember how kind she was
when I told her
I wanted to join the missions.
She just smiled and said,
"A lot of men are gay."
LAUGHTER
And yet, she didn't see it in Rory.
All right, Mammy?
Hello, Rory. Do you want a cup of tea?
No. Are you going into town?
Yeah. Now, don't you go getting
some girl into trouble.
I won't.
ALL LAUGH
We were inseparable.
Winnie! What are you feckin' doing?!
Agnes!
Agnes! Me face is stuck
to your knickers!
Uh-oh.
Agnes, please don't fart!
She treated me like family.
I used to stand beside my mammy and hope
that when she'd finished
whipping the cream,
she'd let me lick the whisk.
Go on, Father.
LAUGHTER
What about you, Cathy?
Cathy, what's your happy memory of her?
I'm thinking!
DOOR OPENS
Erm, the scan results are back.
DOOR CLOSES
I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to turn the machine off.
STEADY BEEPING
STEADY BEEPING