Only Murders in the Building (2021) s05e03 Episode Script
Rigor
1
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [LESTER COLUCA] Okay, Randall,
today is gonna be a big day of training.
- Years of notes in here.
- What's that?
[LESTER] It's nothing. But if a man
comes in with a white gardenia,
you don't talk to him. Only me, okay?
You don't wanna get involved. Got it?
[MABEL MORA]
Guys, the police report just came in.
[MABEL, OLIVER, AND CHARLES]
Accidental death?
- You're the cuckoo chick!
- Cuckoo what?
Lester likened all the tenants to birds.
Why does the shrimp you're holding
- have a fingernail?
- [SCREAMING]
It looks like there's some sort
of green fungus on the nail.
You've heard about my family's ties
to criminal activity.
Can you explain what you meant
when you said
that your missing husband
has everything to do with our building?
We own Clean-Ups,
the dry cleaner in the Arconia.
How many guests are we expecting?
Just Althea, Tim,
and a few friends from Bayport.
Nicky used to carry these decks
around everywhere he went.
There's a map on the back
of one of Nicky's cards.
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [LOCK CLICKING]
[OLIVER PUTNAM] Hello?
[OLIVER SIGHS]
- [OLIVER SCREAMING]
- [BODY THUDDING]
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
George Bernard Shaw once said,
"In gambling, the many must lose
in order that the few may win."
He also said some pro-Stalin things,
and he was kind of anti-cow,
which isn't relevant here.
- Mabel, can we cut that?
- [MABEL] No.
[CHARLES] Okay, great.
At the onset of the 1910s,
the rise of the automobile
rendered the horse stables
under the Arconia obsolete.
It wasn't long before some
of New York's most infamous mobsters
found a new, more lucrative use
for the space.
By the 1920s, the mob
had secret gaming rooms
all over the city,
and none played host
to more power players
than the Velvet Room.
For over a century,
some of the most consequential decisions
in the city were made here.
Rumor has it,
this is where the Empire State Building
contract was awarded,
where it was decided that bars
could stay open until 4:00 a.m.,
and where, at the last second,
it was changed
from "Zachary Taylor Island,"
to "Roosevelt Island."
Even as the fashion, decor,
and clientele changed over the years,
ONE CONSTANT REMAINED: the mob.
Everyone from Lucky Luciano
to John Gotti wielded power
over the five boroughs
from this location,
known to an elite few.
And that continues to this day.
I always assumed
the Velvet Room was a myth,
but it was right here all along.
How did I miss it?
Well, to be fair,
it was down a secret staircase
that only opened
with a magic deck of cards.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.
You know, this does make for a good
opening twist of our podcast.
Should I be videoing? A lot of podcasts
- are doing video now.
- [GROANING]
Do you hear that?
- Is that?
- [OLIVER] Oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Oliver, is that you?
- [OLIVER] Mabel?
Are you okay? What's going on?
[OLIVER] I'm in the dry cleaners.
I found Nicky Caccimelio.
Oh, great! Can you keep him there?
[OLIVER] Shouldn't be too hard.
He's dead!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [PANTING]
Does he have all his fingers?
His fingers? [GRUNTING]
[SNEEZING]
- Ugh! Geez.
- Okay, okay, just stay calm,
and meet us at Charles's apartment!
And Oliver, whatever you do,
don't touch the body!
The last thing you want is your DNA
all over a dead mobster's body.
Ah!
[VOICE ECHOING]
- [FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ooh!
- Hey, watch where you're going, pal!
- Sorry.
[OLIVER EXCLAIMING]
- Oh no!
- [MOVER] Whoa!
Oh! Wha What are you doing?!
[MOVERS GRUNTING]
Ah! [SNORTS]
[PLASTIC WRAP RUSTLING]
I paid extra for starch,
I'll have you know!
- [FRANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
- [EXCLAIMING AND SNORTING]
[BUTTON TAPPING RAPIDLY]
[DOORS THUD]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Uma, so fun to see you.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
[UMA SNIFFING]
Smells like somebody died in here.
[LAUGHING]
You you truly
are the building cut-up.
Have have you ever tried open mic?
Why are you sweating?
Excuse me?
Why are you sweating?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh, I wasn't I wasn't aware
that I'm sweating. [CHUCKLES]
Menopause is tricky,
even for us fellas.
[SIGHS, SNORTS SOFTLY]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
I gotta move out of this building.
- [OLIVER SNORTING]
- [BUTTONS TAPPING RAPIDLY]
[OLIVER GROANING]
- Oliver?
- What's with the dry cleaning?
[OLIVER WHIMPERING]
[MABEL] Oh, my God, Oliver!
[CHARLES] What the hell did you do?!
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]
[CART WHEELS RATTLING]
[MABEL] Oh, my God, Oliver!
What part of "don't touch a dead body"
did you not understand?
Well, I sneezed on him.
I'm allergic to gardenias
and Martinizing.
Look, I-I-I get that this looks
- Like you've lost your mind.
- Like you've committed a felony.
I was gonna go "A bit kooky,"
but yes, those also work.
Oliver, what did you do?
It's really quite simple.
After sneezing,
I had to clean my essence off him,
and then I blacked out,
and the next thing I know,
I am pushing a corpse down 86th Street.
And no one noticed you with a dead body,
pushing it in a laundry cart?
Oh, please, this is Manhattan,
it didn't even crack
the top three weirdest things
happening on the block.
But why'd you bring him
to my apartment?
Well, I Obviously, I didn't want
a dead body in my apartment.
You only think of yourself.
This is so typical you.
I have never brought
a dead body to your home.
What is this?!
Well, you've implied
I've done it before, which I haven't!
Go fuck yourself!
Believe me, I've tried that,
it didn't work.
- You tried it?
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [CLAPS HANDS] Guys!
- You've tried What?
Can we focus on what to do
with this expired human in front of us?
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He is so dead.
I mean, this is it.
This is what we're all gonna look like.
No, no. No, no, not me.
I have a signed napkin
from the guy who did makeup
on Planet of the Apes,
and Rick told me
no matter how mangled it is,
he's gonna make my corpse
look like, tops, 35.
[CHARLES] I feel faint. I'm woozy.
Do I look woozy? I feel woozy.
Okay, calm down, woozy.
The dry cleaners
doesn't open until 7:00.
Whoever put Nicky there
is expecting for the body
- to be found tomorrow when they open.
- Right, right, right, right.
So, we need to get Oliver's DNA off
and put the body back
before they realize we took it. Okay?
- Good plan. Yes.
- I hate this.
Now does anybody know how
to clean DNA off a dead body?
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLOTHES RUSTLING]
Okay, I think I'm off him.
I'm glad I got these wet-naps
from the wings place.
- You eat wings?
- No, of course not.
But you can't get the wet-naps
anywhere else.
Well, at least now we know
he has all of his fingers.
Wait.
There's something green
under his nails,
just like our shrimp finger.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
That's F1 Grade Lachlan felt,
made from the wool of the now-extinct
Scottish Dunface sheep.
That's the same felt they have
in the Velvet Room downstairs.
- What are you talking
- Well, I used to deal cards
on poker night, and you'd be surprised
how different felts can affect
the card slide.
You wanna get a good toss
and have the card
My God, he managed
to make gambling boring.
Can we get back to Nicky?
Do we have to call the body
by its name?
I mean, you're not even
supposed to name lobsters.
Well, his name is the only thing
we know about him.
It's kind of weird.
First time we didn't know a victim.
It's easy to guess
the kind of guy he was, I suppose.
- Oh, I can't stand to look at him.
- [NICKY CACCIMELIO] What's the matter?
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Thinkin' about what your corpse
is gonna look like in this apartment?
I'm guessin' you're gonna die alone,
in the bedroom.
Or on the toilet.
Also a popular pick.
Why does this always happen to me?
Or maybe you'll make things
really interesting
and die alone in a laundry cart, huh?
Twinsies!
Except I didn't die alone.
I got a hot wife.
But I don't gotta tell you
about her, do I?
You little perv.
[SIGHS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC STOPS]
Okay, and this ends this episode
OF "CSI: My Apartment."
- Let's take the body back.
- Um
Really?
Hear me out.
We found the envelope,
so we know that Lester
was in the gaming room.
If you're right about the felt,
Nicky was in there, too.
And if there's any chance
these deaths are linked,
don't you think we owe it
to Lester to find out?
Linked? They died a week apart.
He is wearing the same clothes
from the day of my wedding.
He could have been dead since then.
Look at his gardenia. It's not wilted.
He died recently.
I agree, something's not adding up.
Look, we handed Lester's body
to the cops,
and they called it "an accident."
Are we really gonna do
the same thing with Nicky?
I know it's kind of gross,
but this is an opportunity
for us to look for clues
we'd otherwise never get.
Plus, it'd be good for the podcast.
I mean, I don't think
anybody's doing this.
I do love a good "first."
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to take a little peek.
We're doing an autopsy?
- [OLIVER EXCLAIMING]
- I said a peek, a little peek!
Okay, yes, yes.
- [BLINDS CLINKING]
- [PEN CLICKING]
[GLOVES SNAPPING AND SQUEAKING]
Autopsy step one, cause of death.
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb
here and say meat cleaver to the chest.
"Meat cleaver."
Nice.
You know, I always wanted
to get gunned down in a toll booth,
Sonny Corleone style.
But that dream went out the window
with E-ZPass.
Still, this isn't bad.
Better than whatever boring way
you're gonna go out, right, Savage?
Time of death.
[MABEL] Hmm.
[OLIVER SIGHS]
"Corpse is Cristy."
That podcast about Cristy Tejas,
the co-ed who died
in Corpus Christi, Texas.
Oh, they got so lucky.
The whole case revolved
around the time of her death.
Someone's gonna have to check
to see if he has rigor mortis.
Mm-hmm.
[OLIVER CLEARING THROAT]
Fine, I'll do it.
[GRUNTING]
[OLIVER] Ah-ha! No rigor mortis.
So, he died in the last few hours.
Or the rigor mortis has already passed
and he's limbered up again.
Yeah, it looks like blood
has pooled by his ankles.
I don't think that's supposed
to happen right away.
Probably a little sauce
from that meatball sandwich
I was eating earlier.
Oh! Bada-bing! [CHUCKLES]
Seriously, this is how
you imagine I speak?
I mean, I know
I'm a member of the family,
but I'm personally offended.
I went to Cornell, you know.
Okay, fine, I didn't go to Cornell,
but you didn't know that.
[MABEL] Wait.
And there's this white substance
on his sleeve.
- Maybe cocaine?
- Ooh, let me sniff.
I directed theater in the '80s,
I could probably tell you
the exact street in Colombia
it came from.
Ah!
[SNIFFING AND SNORTING]
I think it looks like paint.
Yeah.
Gee, I miss cocaine.
I'm sure it misses you too, pal.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[PENSIVE ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
No sign of maggots or blowfly eggs.
And I was just getting hungry. Ugh.
Don't "ugh" me.
What, your corpse
is too good for maggots,
or whatever those other things
this girl said are?
[CAMERA CLICKING]
Rope marks.
Ooh, this could be a sexy crime.
We probably should check his nipples.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[CAMERA CLICKING]
- [MABEL] What's this?
- No, not the Sur la Table tongs!
Oh, please don't say maggots.
Please don't say maggots.
No, it kinda looks like a burn.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
While rigor indicates
Nicky's been dead for days,
the decomp level suggests
he died recently.
- Wow, that was so cool.
- [OLIVER CHUCKLES]
I know, I'm giving,
like, Meredith Grey vibes.
- [OLIVER LAUGHING]
- You seem awfully cheery
about this autopsy.
I know this is weird to say
over a dead body,
but I feel like I'm in a really
good place in life right now.
[OLIVER] You are.
You're doing your first autopsy.
- Your new apartment is really shaping up.
- [MABEL] I know.
It feels like I've earned
my spot in the building.
And I feel Oh! Wait, sorry,
we still don't have time of death.
Ah-ha! What we need is leftovers.
Charles, what do you have
in your fridge?
I think I have some
Chinese in the freezer,
- but it's a couple of months
- Perfect!
All my greatest creative
breakthroughs have happened
over reheated Chinese food.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
What if this is the last thing
Lester saw before he died?
- Me, yelling at him about shrimp.
- Oliver.
After all he did for me.
Am I a narcissist?
No! I mean, just clinically.
What?
Mabel, what's the first word
that comes to mind
- when you think of me?
- [MABEL] Oh, narcissist.
What the hell?
How am I just learning this at 55?
Look, you can't change
the last things you said to Lester,
and you can't change who you are.
We are complex characters.
We are flawed heroes.
Flawed dudes. Flawed
[WHISPERING] lucky fuckers.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to get philosophical.
Yeah, where is this coming from?
It happens every time I have
a dead body in my kitchen.
- Hey, buddy.
- [GLASSES CLINKING]
- [BOTH SLURPING]
- [MICROWAVE TIMER DINGS]
[DISTANT CAR HONKING]
Ow!
Enjoying Oliver's famous
microwaved dumplings?
He managed to make it
boiling hot on the outside,
- yet freezer burned on the inside.
- Oh, please.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Wow, where was that word
two minutes ago?
What if the burn behind Nicky's ear
isn't a regular burn,
it's freezer burn?
It would explain why the body
hasn't decomposed.
He could have been killed days ago,
frozen, and just now thawed.
I'm gonna check his lips
to see if they're chapped.
The creative power of Chinese food
remains undefeated.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time
I've had a breakthrough
over some moo shu
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mabel, what the hell are you doing?
It's a piece of paper.
I mean, it's really soggy, but
Is that the logo of the Arconia?
Nicky had Arconia stationery
in his mouth? Why?
Well, we'll add that
to our list of questions.
We should start thinking
about getting this body back.
Oh! [GASPS]
[WHISPERING] It's 6:45 a.m.
We spent all night autopsying?
Damn you, murder,
for being so interesting!
Okay, we got this. We'll just make sure
we bring his body back
to the dry cleaner's place
- in less than 15.
- Okay.
Well, now it's 14 minutes.
Not helping, Charles.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WHISPERING] Okay.
- [DOORS OPEN]
[DR. GROVER STANLEY] Hi.
- Hi.
- Alright.
- How are you?
- [COUGHING, CLEARING THROAT]
[SNIFFING, GROANS]
- It's Oliver.
- Oh, that makes sense.
Just headed to the dry cleaners.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Oh, perfect!
Um, I'm in a bit of a time crunch.
Do you mind dropping off
these shirts for me?
I can offer you
a free therapy session in return.
Oh, that actually would be nice.
My DGA insurance
lapsed in the early '80s.
[GROVER POLITELY CHUCKLES]
[BAG THUDDING]
- [BAGS RUSTLING]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
[UMA EXHALES SHARPLY]
[PASSENGERS SNIFFING]
It's me! I stink!
So, let's all just please drop it!
Thanks.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Randall.
- Mm-hmm?
The elevator's making
that weird humming noise again.
Oh, okay oh, no!
That's that's bad.
Uh, the sound, is it more like
a "eee," or more like a "mmm"?
Okay.
You know what, let me see what Lester
had to say about that.
Hey, c-could you do this
somewhere else?
- Oh!
- Thank you.
- Excuse us.
- [CART WHEELS RATTLING]
[SOFTLY] What are you doing?
[SOFTLY]
The ledger that Lester gave him,
it looks like the same paper
that we found in Nicky's mouth.
We've gotta get our hands on that.
You two go.
I'll I'll charm it off him.
- Oh, great plan.
- Yeah.
[RANDALL AND UMA
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Um
Wait, did he just stick us
with a dead body
that he brought here?
He's good. He's very good.
- [MABEL GRUNTING]
- [PAPARAZZI CLAMORING]
- Wait, why is there paparazzi here?
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
Ugh, they finally found my address.
It's not for you, Charles.
- [PAPARAZZI CONTINUE SHOUTING]
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
[POP SONG PLAYING FROM PURSE]
Oh, my God.
- Mabel Mora?
- Althea?
- [CHUCKLES]
- What are you
Actually, it's THĒ now.
I shortened it, T-H-Ē.
Isn't that just "The"?
No, it's not, 'cause the "Ē" has,
like, the little line thingy above it.
My team thought it would
be easier for my fans,
and they were right.
Ever since the name change [SCOFFS]
I'm the number one
most searched artist on Wondify.
- Ah. So brat.
- [THĒ CHUCKLES]
Mabel, I'm gonna
[GRUNTING] deliver this laundry.
How is that possible?
Oh, 'cause it sounds cool
- and mysterious. [CHUCKLES]
- [PAPARAZZI SHOUTING EXCITEDLY]
And also, anytime
anyone searches for a band
that begins with "The,"
my name comes up first.
It's genius, right? [CHUCKLES]
I mean, you wanna listen
to The Beatles?
"THE" comes up.
The Spice Girls?
It's "THE" again. [LAUGHING]
- Yeah.
- The Chicks? "THE"!
[CHUCKLES] Thank God I was unaffected
by their name change.
But enough about me and my success.
How are you, Mabel?
I am great.
- Ah!
- And it's so crazy and wild
that I ran into you,
but I gotta better run.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God,
you haven't changed a bit.
I'll be seeing you all the time.
I just bought the penthouse.
I'm sorry, you got a place
here in my building?
- Yeah.
- Bought, like an investment,
or bought, like you're living here?
Living. And do they allow pets?
'Cause I have an otter,
and my last co-op,
they were such dicks about it.
[PAPARAZZI 1] It's Bloody Mabel!
Bloody Mabel!
[PAPARAZZI 2] THĒ! Can we get a picture
of the two of you?
- [WHISPERING] Come on.
- [PAPARAZZI CLAMORING, CAMERAS CLICKING]
Come on. You'll get
used to it. It's fine.
[PAPARAZZI 3]
Bloody Mabel! You're amazing!
[TENSE ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CART BANGING]
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
[MUTTERING]
[EXHALES]
Really? You're gonna get DNA
on me all over again?
Jesus, I thought you guys
were supposed to be good at this.
Yeah.
[SANITIZER SQUIRTS]
[BLOWS]
[ROLL SQUEAKING]
[PLASTIC WRAP RUSTLING]
[BLOWING FORCEFULLY]
What's he doing now?
Yeah?
[TENSE ORCHESTRA MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [GRUNTING]
- Ah, Jesus!
I'm just fucking with you. I'm dead.
[SIGHS]
- [BELL DINGING]
- [PANICKING]
The fuck?
[CHARLES SIGHS]
Okay, okay.
- [CHARLES GRUNTING]
- [BODY THUDS]
Just gimme a minute, I-I'll
I can look through the
Get back, you animals! Back, I say!
You'll all get your waxed jackets
and New Yorker totes in due time!
- [TENANTS MURMURING]
- Scatter! [HISSING]
[TENANT] Mm!
Wow.
- Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh, no problem, champ.
Randall.
Randall, the Champ. [CHUCKLES]
I just want to, uh, say that
you're doing such a great job.
Oh?
Doesn't feel like it.
Oh, you're a natural.
You probably don't even need that.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- What even is that?
A ledger. Here, just
You flatter me, Mr. Putnam.
You really do.
You know something?
I wish all the residents
were as kind as you.
Oh, I'm not that kind.
Well, you are a friend of doormen.
No, I'm really not, actually.
What are you talking about? You just
This is the real Oliver Putnam!
- Sorry.
- [FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
And even though, you know,
I have my brownstone in the Village,
and my cave upstate, my team advised me
to buy somewhere more boring.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, duh.
The Arconia."
It's all old people.
And Mabel.
You still living with your aunt?
Yea no!
Uh, actually, I have my own apartment.
Yeah, it's a studio,
but it has everything I need.
A bed, a spot to record
my podcast, obviously.
You've never heard of my podcast.
Uh, well, they're making
a movie about it, so I don't know.
It might be a big deal,
Eva Longoria is playing me.
Oh, wow. [CHUCKLES] I only
listen to podcasts to fall asleep.
- What's yours?
- Only Murders in the Building.
Are you sure that's what it's called?
'Cause I'm just not
seeing it in the top 10.
You might have to click "See More."
Oh, I didn't know that was a thing.
Okay, I'm clicking,
I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling
[GASPS] Number 17, that's great.
[GASPS] Idea.
What if I came on as a guest?
You'd shoot right to the top.
Wow, uh, y
You know, I don't think we need
any, you know, shooting anywhere.
We're we're pretty successful.
Totally. [CHUCKLES]
- [POP SONG RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh! [SIGHS]
This is my therapist,
and she is so needy.
We've been playing phone tag for days,
but the offer still stands.
Sandra? Honey, it's okay.
How have you been?
[WHISPERING] Psst, Mabel.
I'm rooting for you.
Trauma's hard, Sandra. We all have it.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[FLOOR SQUEAKING]
[LEGS THUD]
[PANTING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] "Death Alone"?
Isn't that, uh, Pablo Neruda?
What?
Big scary mob guy can't like poetry?
- Sorry, I just thought that maybe
- You know what's funny?
I spent the last few years thinking
about how fuckin' old I am.
And now that I'm dead,
everybody's gonna be like,
"Oh, my God, he died so young."
[CHARLES SIGHS]
Not sure that would be the case for me.
Well, you better get a move on, pal,
because death is definitely coming.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
By the way, why the fuck
did I quit smoking?
"There are lone cemeteries
"tombs full of soundless bones,
"the heart threading a tunnel,
"a dark, dark tunnel.
"Death is drawn to sound.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
"Like a slipper without a foot,
"a suit without its wearer,
comes to knock with a ring,
stoneless and fingerless."
Shh!
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
I thought the body was
supposed to be hanging up.
Who cares?
Just write up what they said.
Time of death, this morning.
Top suspect, Caputo crime family.
- Less we know, the better.
- [CAMERA CLICKING]
- What the hell was that?
- Come out with your hands up!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[POLICE RADIO CHIRPING]
[OFFICER]
Hey, we must be hearing things.
Let's get out of here
before anyone sees us, alright?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[DOOR BELL JINGLING]
[DISTANT TRAFFIC NOISE]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- [CHARLES] I put Nicky back.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
These cops that found him
are definitely crooked.
- I think there's a cover-up.
- What Charles, that's huge.
And I'm sorry I left you behind.
No. I enjoyed risking
ten years' jail time
in my neighborhood dry cleaners.
But I'm glad you got to catch up
with your friend.
She's not my friend.
She I mean, she used to be my friend,
but that ended poorly.
[SCOFFS]
She brings out the worst in me.
Just when I'm feeling good
about myself,
she moves into the penthouse.
She's literally looking
down on me in my own home.
Screw her! You don't need her.
You got your whole life in front of you.
I, on the other hand,
much like Pablo Neruda's poem,
will likely experience "Death Alone."
That's dark. Are you okay?
- Yes.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- I got it!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, did you use
the old Oliver Putnam charm
to get it away from him?
S-Something like that.
It's a rich text.
There are notes on all the tenants,
birdwatching notes.
There's even a poem about a doorman,
titled "After You." [CHUCKLES]
A journeyman's effort. He tries
to rhyme "cough" with "through."
- The missing page.
- Wait.
[CRAYON RUBBING]
Ooh, money amounts.
"Gun, blind." Oh, this is juicy.
"Brown-headed cowbird, Eurasian jay,
kākāpō, bowerbird."
Are you kidding me, more bird notes?
So, Nicky had a list
of birds in his mouth.
But why are they all in a circle
with dollar amounts under them?
Well, "gun, blind, river,"
those are poker terms.
So what, Lester was working
on a bird version
of dogs playing poker?
God, this is more embarrassing
than the poem.
Lester's wife said he liked
comparing people to birds.
So, maybe these are code names
for people he was keeping tabs on?
And those dollar amounts
were what they were betting?
Wow, that's a lot.
Ooh, and things are back
to being juicy.
Looks like each page
is a different week's game.
They play Saturday at midnight,
which means there might be
a game tonight.
- We have to go.
- It starts at midnight?
I've already gotten up three times
to pee by midnight.
Well, figure it out,
because the players who were there
the night Nicky and Lester died
might be back.
So, I say we go early,
find a place to hide,
and see who they are.
Okay, but if we're gonna
infiltrate a midnight game
of New York's scariest
and most powerful mobsters,
first, we must nap.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[RANDALL] [WHISPERING] Man,
you can do this. You can do it, man.
Come on, Randall. You can do it.
[INHALES SHARPLY] You got this.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [OLIVER] Randall?
- Um, how may I help
Oh. Mr. Putnam.
I'm just, uh, returning your ledger.
And I'm I'm sorry about
the misunderstanding earlier.
Well, you ripped it from my hands.
Yes, the misunderstanding
was you didn't think I would do that.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING IN LOBBY]
No.
The building's falling apart
without Lester.
And to be honest, I didn't finish
my training with him,
so there's no way I can fill his shoes.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Have I ever told you the story about
when Sheena Easton played Moses
in my gender-bending musical twist
on The Ten Commandments?
Oh, no, the ledger
mentioned this might happen.
So, okay, it was our opening night,
and a then-unknown Sheena
was trying to fill the unfillable shoes
of Mr. Charlton Heston.
Hm.
And it it it just went
horribly wrong. People rioted.
And it definitely didn't have anything
to do with the script.
- Hmm.
- So, I sat her down,
and I told her, "Sheena-baneena,
stop trying to be Chuck
and start trying to be fillet mignon."
[SNORT-CHUCKLING]
And from then on, the rest is history.
So, the musical was a success?
I said it was history.
Point is, it's hard to follow a legend,
so stop trying to be Lester.
You can't be somebody you're not.
I still have a lot of follow-up
questions about this musical,
but I think I get
what you're trying to say.
Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
And I don't care what you say,
you're a good guy.
Ah, well, thank you.
And, um, I know
this might be hard to believe,
given my boyish good looks, but, uh,
I've actually lived
in this building quite a while.
So, if you wanted, I could try
and help you
finish some of that training.
- Really?
- Yes.
A-Any question you have,
please come to me.
Uh, I actually have a bunch of
questions. Can we start right now?
No. Right now, I have to take
a very important nap.
But, I would say any other time,
I promise, I'm there for ya.
- Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
- You got it.
[SOFT MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
[NICKY] "Death lies in our beds:
"In the lazy mattresses,
the black blankets,
"lives a full stretch
and then suddenly blows
"blows sound unknown,
filling out the sheets.
"And there are beds
sailing into a harbor
"where death is waiting,
- dressed as an admiral."
- [PHONE LINE RINGING]
- [PHONE BEEPING]
- Hi.
Uh, this is anonymous patient
General Custer,
and I'm in Dr. Tidyman's trial group,
and I'd like to get the next four doses
of 4-8-3-7-6-3-2-8-X-Y-T.
And I run out on Thursday,
so I'd like to get it
delivered right away.
General Custer.
[DISCONNECT TONE BEEPING]
[SIGHS]
- [OVERLAPPING PHONE ALARMS RINGING]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MABEL]
It's good we're getting here early.
People get whole new identities
to hide from the mafia,
and we're breaking laws to see them.
It's locked.
I discovered it opens with a key card.
Give me that.
[OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKING]
Finesse.
[HINGES SQUEAKING]
[DOOR THUDDING]
Wow!
This was really under
the Arconia all these years?
Yes, and Lester and Nicky
have both been here.
This room has gotta hold
some answers for us.
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKING]
- [OLIVER GASPS, GULPS, AND SNORTS]
- [DOOR OPENING]
[DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER] Wait, wait.
They don't look like mobsters.
[WHISPERING] Those aren't mobsters.
They're CEOs.
[OLIVER GASPS]
Oh, right, I recognize them.
He's the one
who invented the one thing.
And didn't she go to space
with Gayle and Oprah?
[CHARLES GASPS]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING] Here, I'll Safari it.
H-T-T-P-slash-slash.
You you don't have to type
Uh, give it here, old man.
- W-W-W
- You don't have to type that either.
Here, I got it.
Okay, so this is tech billionaire
Sebastian Steed,
- goes by "Bash."
- [OLIVER] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I told you.
The guy who invented the thing.
[WHISPERING]
Okay, so the other guy is Jay Pflug.
Heir of the Pflug pharma family.
Oh, they make highly addictive drugs
that ruined a lot of people's lives.
They also make my blood pressure
medication, so I'm conflicted.
This is Camila White.
She owns half of New York's hotels.
And God, can she rock
a neutral cashmere.
She's like the human incarnation
of a Nancy Meyers kitchen.
Guys, guys, they're all billionaires.
This isn't the mob,
this is the new mob of New York.
Please tell me you recorded that. Okay.
- [CAMILA WHITE] I need a drink.
- [JAY PFLUG] Let's check the bar.
[ALL GASP QUIETLY]
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[CHARLES] As the city has changed,
so too have those in power.
The "mafia," as we once knew them,
may be no more,
but the idea of many losing
in order for an elite few to win
has never been more true.
Gone are the velour tracksuits
and gold chains,
replaced now by boat shoes
and Dogecoin.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[FINGERS TAPPING]
sync & corrections awaqeded
[DRAMATIC MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [LESTER COLUCA] Okay, Randall,
today is gonna be a big day of training.
- Years of notes in here.
- What's that?
[LESTER] It's nothing. But if a man
comes in with a white gardenia,
you don't talk to him. Only me, okay?
You don't wanna get involved. Got it?
[MABEL MORA]
Guys, the police report just came in.
[MABEL, OLIVER, AND CHARLES]
Accidental death?
- You're the cuckoo chick!
- Cuckoo what?
Lester likened all the tenants to birds.
Why does the shrimp you're holding
- have a fingernail?
- [SCREAMING]
It looks like there's some sort
of green fungus on the nail.
You've heard about my family's ties
to criminal activity.
Can you explain what you meant
when you said
that your missing husband
has everything to do with our building?
We own Clean-Ups,
the dry cleaner in the Arconia.
How many guests are we expecting?
Just Althea, Tim,
and a few friends from Bayport.
Nicky used to carry these decks
around everywhere he went.
There's a map on the back
of one of Nicky's cards.
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [LOCK CLICKING]
[OLIVER PUTNAM] Hello?
[OLIVER SIGHS]
- [OLIVER SCREAMING]
- [BODY THUDDING]
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
George Bernard Shaw once said,
"In gambling, the many must lose
in order that the few may win."
He also said some pro-Stalin things,
and he was kind of anti-cow,
which isn't relevant here.
- Mabel, can we cut that?
- [MABEL] No.
[CHARLES] Okay, great.
At the onset of the 1910s,
the rise of the automobile
rendered the horse stables
under the Arconia obsolete.
It wasn't long before some
of New York's most infamous mobsters
found a new, more lucrative use
for the space.
By the 1920s, the mob
had secret gaming rooms
all over the city,
and none played host
to more power players
than the Velvet Room.
For over a century,
some of the most consequential decisions
in the city were made here.
Rumor has it,
this is where the Empire State Building
contract was awarded,
where it was decided that bars
could stay open until 4:00 a.m.,
and where, at the last second,
it was changed
from "Zachary Taylor Island,"
to "Roosevelt Island."
Even as the fashion, decor,
and clientele changed over the years,
ONE CONSTANT REMAINED: the mob.
Everyone from Lucky Luciano
to John Gotti wielded power
over the five boroughs
from this location,
known to an elite few.
And that continues to this day.
I always assumed
the Velvet Room was a myth,
but it was right here all along.
How did I miss it?
Well, to be fair,
it was down a secret staircase
that only opened
with a magic deck of cards.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.
You know, this does make for a good
opening twist of our podcast.
Should I be videoing? A lot of podcasts
- are doing video now.
- [GROANING]
Do you hear that?
- Is that?
- [OLIVER] Oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Oliver, is that you?
- [OLIVER] Mabel?
Are you okay? What's going on?
[OLIVER] I'm in the dry cleaners.
I found Nicky Caccimelio.
Oh, great! Can you keep him there?
[OLIVER] Shouldn't be too hard.
He's dead!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [PANTING]
Does he have all his fingers?
His fingers? [GRUNTING]
[SNEEZING]
- Ugh! Geez.
- Okay, okay, just stay calm,
and meet us at Charles's apartment!
And Oliver, whatever you do,
don't touch the body!
The last thing you want is your DNA
all over a dead mobster's body.
Ah!
[VOICE ECHOING]
- [FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ooh!
- Hey, watch where you're going, pal!
- Sorry.
[OLIVER EXCLAIMING]
- Oh no!
- [MOVER] Whoa!
Oh! Wha What are you doing?!
[MOVERS GRUNTING]
Ah! [SNORTS]
[PLASTIC WRAP RUSTLING]
I paid extra for starch,
I'll have you know!
- [FRANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
- [EXCLAIMING AND SNORTING]
[BUTTON TAPPING RAPIDLY]
[DOORS THUD]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Uma, so fun to see you.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
[UMA SNIFFING]
Smells like somebody died in here.
[LAUGHING]
You you truly
are the building cut-up.
Have have you ever tried open mic?
Why are you sweating?
Excuse me?
Why are you sweating?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh, I wasn't I wasn't aware
that I'm sweating. [CHUCKLES]
Menopause is tricky,
even for us fellas.
[SIGHS, SNORTS SOFTLY]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
I gotta move out of this building.
- [OLIVER SNORTING]
- [BUTTONS TAPPING RAPIDLY]
[OLIVER GROANING]
- Oliver?
- What's with the dry cleaning?
[OLIVER WHIMPERING]
[MABEL] Oh, my God, Oliver!
[CHARLES] What the hell did you do?!
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]
[CART WHEELS RATTLING]
[MABEL] Oh, my God, Oliver!
What part of "don't touch a dead body"
did you not understand?
Well, I sneezed on him.
I'm allergic to gardenias
and Martinizing.
Look, I-I-I get that this looks
- Like you've lost your mind.
- Like you've committed a felony.
I was gonna go "A bit kooky,"
but yes, those also work.
Oliver, what did you do?
It's really quite simple.
After sneezing,
I had to clean my essence off him,
and then I blacked out,
and the next thing I know,
I am pushing a corpse down 86th Street.
And no one noticed you with a dead body,
pushing it in a laundry cart?
Oh, please, this is Manhattan,
it didn't even crack
the top three weirdest things
happening on the block.
But why'd you bring him
to my apartment?
Well, I Obviously, I didn't want
a dead body in my apartment.
You only think of yourself.
This is so typical you.
I have never brought
a dead body to your home.
What is this?!
Well, you've implied
I've done it before, which I haven't!
Go fuck yourself!
Believe me, I've tried that,
it didn't work.
- You tried it?
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [CLAPS HANDS] Guys!
- You've tried What?
Can we focus on what to do
with this expired human in front of us?
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He is so dead.
I mean, this is it.
This is what we're all gonna look like.
No, no. No, no, not me.
I have a signed napkin
from the guy who did makeup
on Planet of the Apes,
and Rick told me
no matter how mangled it is,
he's gonna make my corpse
look like, tops, 35.
[CHARLES] I feel faint. I'm woozy.
Do I look woozy? I feel woozy.
Okay, calm down, woozy.
The dry cleaners
doesn't open until 7:00.
Whoever put Nicky there
is expecting for the body
- to be found tomorrow when they open.
- Right, right, right, right.
So, we need to get Oliver's DNA off
and put the body back
before they realize we took it. Okay?
- Good plan. Yes.
- I hate this.
Now does anybody know how
to clean DNA off a dead body?
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLOTHES RUSTLING]
Okay, I think I'm off him.
I'm glad I got these wet-naps
from the wings place.
- You eat wings?
- No, of course not.
But you can't get the wet-naps
anywhere else.
Well, at least now we know
he has all of his fingers.
Wait.
There's something green
under his nails,
just like our shrimp finger.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
That's F1 Grade Lachlan felt,
made from the wool of the now-extinct
Scottish Dunface sheep.
That's the same felt they have
in the Velvet Room downstairs.
- What are you talking
- Well, I used to deal cards
on poker night, and you'd be surprised
how different felts can affect
the card slide.
You wanna get a good toss
and have the card
My God, he managed
to make gambling boring.
Can we get back to Nicky?
Do we have to call the body
by its name?
I mean, you're not even
supposed to name lobsters.
Well, his name is the only thing
we know about him.
It's kind of weird.
First time we didn't know a victim.
It's easy to guess
the kind of guy he was, I suppose.
- Oh, I can't stand to look at him.
- [NICKY CACCIMELIO] What's the matter?
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Thinkin' about what your corpse
is gonna look like in this apartment?
I'm guessin' you're gonna die alone,
in the bedroom.
Or on the toilet.
Also a popular pick.
Why does this always happen to me?
Or maybe you'll make things
really interesting
and die alone in a laundry cart, huh?
Twinsies!
Except I didn't die alone.
I got a hot wife.
But I don't gotta tell you
about her, do I?
You little perv.
[SIGHS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC STOPS]
Okay, and this ends this episode
OF "CSI: My Apartment."
- Let's take the body back.
- Um
Really?
Hear me out.
We found the envelope,
so we know that Lester
was in the gaming room.
If you're right about the felt,
Nicky was in there, too.
And if there's any chance
these deaths are linked,
don't you think we owe it
to Lester to find out?
Linked? They died a week apart.
He is wearing the same clothes
from the day of my wedding.
He could have been dead since then.
Look at his gardenia. It's not wilted.
He died recently.
I agree, something's not adding up.
Look, we handed Lester's body
to the cops,
and they called it "an accident."
Are we really gonna do
the same thing with Nicky?
I know it's kind of gross,
but this is an opportunity
for us to look for clues
we'd otherwise never get.
Plus, it'd be good for the podcast.
I mean, I don't think
anybody's doing this.
I do love a good "first."
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to take a little peek.
We're doing an autopsy?
- [OLIVER EXCLAIMING]
- I said a peek, a little peek!
Okay, yes, yes.
- [BLINDS CLINKING]
- [PEN CLICKING]
[GLOVES SNAPPING AND SQUEAKING]
Autopsy step one, cause of death.
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb
here and say meat cleaver to the chest.
"Meat cleaver."
Nice.
You know, I always wanted
to get gunned down in a toll booth,
Sonny Corleone style.
But that dream went out the window
with E-ZPass.
Still, this isn't bad.
Better than whatever boring way
you're gonna go out, right, Savage?
Time of death.
[MABEL] Hmm.
[OLIVER SIGHS]
"Corpse is Cristy."
That podcast about Cristy Tejas,
the co-ed who died
in Corpus Christi, Texas.
Oh, they got so lucky.
The whole case revolved
around the time of her death.
Someone's gonna have to check
to see if he has rigor mortis.
Mm-hmm.
[OLIVER CLEARING THROAT]
Fine, I'll do it.
[GRUNTING]
[OLIVER] Ah-ha! No rigor mortis.
So, he died in the last few hours.
Or the rigor mortis has already passed
and he's limbered up again.
Yeah, it looks like blood
has pooled by his ankles.
I don't think that's supposed
to happen right away.
Probably a little sauce
from that meatball sandwich
I was eating earlier.
Oh! Bada-bing! [CHUCKLES]
Seriously, this is how
you imagine I speak?
I mean, I know
I'm a member of the family,
but I'm personally offended.
I went to Cornell, you know.
Okay, fine, I didn't go to Cornell,
but you didn't know that.
[MABEL] Wait.
And there's this white substance
on his sleeve.
- Maybe cocaine?
- Ooh, let me sniff.
I directed theater in the '80s,
I could probably tell you
the exact street in Colombia
it came from.
Ah!
[SNIFFING AND SNORTING]
I think it looks like paint.
Yeah.
Gee, I miss cocaine.
I'm sure it misses you too, pal.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[PENSIVE ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
No sign of maggots or blowfly eggs.
And I was just getting hungry. Ugh.
Don't "ugh" me.
What, your corpse
is too good for maggots,
or whatever those other things
this girl said are?
[CAMERA CLICKING]
Rope marks.
Ooh, this could be a sexy crime.
We probably should check his nipples.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[CAMERA CLICKING]
- [MABEL] What's this?
- No, not the Sur la Table tongs!
Oh, please don't say maggots.
Please don't say maggots.
No, it kinda looks like a burn.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
While rigor indicates
Nicky's been dead for days,
the decomp level suggests
he died recently.
- Wow, that was so cool.
- [OLIVER CHUCKLES]
I know, I'm giving,
like, Meredith Grey vibes.
- [OLIVER LAUGHING]
- You seem awfully cheery
about this autopsy.
I know this is weird to say
over a dead body,
but I feel like I'm in a really
good place in life right now.
[OLIVER] You are.
You're doing your first autopsy.
- Your new apartment is really shaping up.
- [MABEL] I know.
It feels like I've earned
my spot in the building.
And I feel Oh! Wait, sorry,
we still don't have time of death.
Ah-ha! What we need is leftovers.
Charles, what do you have
in your fridge?
I think I have some
Chinese in the freezer,
- but it's a couple of months
- Perfect!
All my greatest creative
breakthroughs have happened
over reheated Chinese food.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
What if this is the last thing
Lester saw before he died?
- Me, yelling at him about shrimp.
- Oliver.
After all he did for me.
Am I a narcissist?
No! I mean, just clinically.
What?
Mabel, what's the first word
that comes to mind
- when you think of me?
- [MABEL] Oh, narcissist.
What the hell?
How am I just learning this at 55?
Look, you can't change
the last things you said to Lester,
and you can't change who you are.
We are complex characters.
We are flawed heroes.
Flawed dudes. Flawed
[WHISPERING] lucky fuckers.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to get philosophical.
Yeah, where is this coming from?
It happens every time I have
a dead body in my kitchen.
- Hey, buddy.
- [GLASSES CLINKING]
- [BOTH SLURPING]
- [MICROWAVE TIMER DINGS]
[DISTANT CAR HONKING]
Ow!
Enjoying Oliver's famous
microwaved dumplings?
He managed to make it
boiling hot on the outside,
- yet freezer burned on the inside.
- Oh, please.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Wow, where was that word
two minutes ago?
What if the burn behind Nicky's ear
isn't a regular burn,
it's freezer burn?
It would explain why the body
hasn't decomposed.
He could have been killed days ago,
frozen, and just now thawed.
I'm gonna check his lips
to see if they're chapped.
The creative power of Chinese food
remains undefeated.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time
I've had a breakthrough
over some moo shu
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mabel, what the hell are you doing?
It's a piece of paper.
I mean, it's really soggy, but
Is that the logo of the Arconia?
Nicky had Arconia stationery
in his mouth? Why?
Well, we'll add that
to our list of questions.
We should start thinking
about getting this body back.
Oh! [GASPS]
[WHISPERING] It's 6:45 a.m.
We spent all night autopsying?
Damn you, murder,
for being so interesting!
Okay, we got this. We'll just make sure
we bring his body back
to the dry cleaner's place
- in less than 15.
- Okay.
Well, now it's 14 minutes.
Not helping, Charles.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WHISPERING] Okay.
- [DOORS OPEN]
[DR. GROVER STANLEY] Hi.
- Hi.
- Alright.
- How are you?
- [COUGHING, CLEARING THROAT]
[SNIFFING, GROANS]
- It's Oliver.
- Oh, that makes sense.
Just headed to the dry cleaners.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Oh, perfect!
Um, I'm in a bit of a time crunch.
Do you mind dropping off
these shirts for me?
I can offer you
a free therapy session in return.
Oh, that actually would be nice.
My DGA insurance
lapsed in the early '80s.
[GROVER POLITELY CHUCKLES]
[BAG THUDDING]
- [BAGS RUSTLING]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
[UMA EXHALES SHARPLY]
[PASSENGERS SNIFFING]
It's me! I stink!
So, let's all just please drop it!
Thanks.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Randall.
- Mm-hmm?
The elevator's making
that weird humming noise again.
Oh, okay oh, no!
That's that's bad.
Uh, the sound, is it more like
a "eee," or more like a "mmm"?
Okay.
You know what, let me see what Lester
had to say about that.
Hey, c-could you do this
somewhere else?
- Oh!
- Thank you.
- Excuse us.
- [CART WHEELS RATTLING]
[SOFTLY] What are you doing?
[SOFTLY]
The ledger that Lester gave him,
it looks like the same paper
that we found in Nicky's mouth.
We've gotta get our hands on that.
You two go.
I'll I'll charm it off him.
- Oh, great plan.
- Yeah.
[RANDALL AND UMA
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Um
Wait, did he just stick us
with a dead body
that he brought here?
He's good. He's very good.
- [MABEL GRUNTING]
- [PAPARAZZI CLAMORING]
- Wait, why is there paparazzi here?
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
Ugh, they finally found my address.
It's not for you, Charles.
- [PAPARAZZI CONTINUE SHOUTING]
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
[POP SONG PLAYING FROM PURSE]
Oh, my God.
- Mabel Mora?
- Althea?
- [CHUCKLES]
- What are you
Actually, it's THĒ now.
I shortened it, T-H-Ē.
Isn't that just "The"?
No, it's not, 'cause the "Ē" has,
like, the little line thingy above it.
My team thought it would
be easier for my fans,
and they were right.
Ever since the name change [SCOFFS]
I'm the number one
most searched artist on Wondify.
- Ah. So brat.
- [THĒ CHUCKLES]
Mabel, I'm gonna
[GRUNTING] deliver this laundry.
How is that possible?
Oh, 'cause it sounds cool
- and mysterious. [CHUCKLES]
- [PAPARAZZI SHOUTING EXCITEDLY]
And also, anytime
anyone searches for a band
that begins with "The,"
my name comes up first.
It's genius, right? [CHUCKLES]
I mean, you wanna listen
to The Beatles?
"THE" comes up.
The Spice Girls?
It's "THE" again. [LAUGHING]
- Yeah.
- The Chicks? "THE"!
[CHUCKLES] Thank God I was unaffected
by their name change.
But enough about me and my success.
How are you, Mabel?
I am great.
- Ah!
- And it's so crazy and wild
that I ran into you,
but I gotta better run.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God,
you haven't changed a bit.
I'll be seeing you all the time.
I just bought the penthouse.
I'm sorry, you got a place
here in my building?
- Yeah.
- Bought, like an investment,
or bought, like you're living here?
Living. And do they allow pets?
'Cause I have an otter,
and my last co-op,
they were such dicks about it.
[PAPARAZZI 1] It's Bloody Mabel!
Bloody Mabel!
[PAPARAZZI 2] THĒ! Can we get a picture
of the two of you?
- [WHISPERING] Come on.
- [PAPARAZZI CLAMORING, CAMERAS CLICKING]
Come on. You'll get
used to it. It's fine.
[PAPARAZZI 3]
Bloody Mabel! You're amazing!
[TENSE ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CART BANGING]
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
[MUTTERING]
[EXHALES]
Really? You're gonna get DNA
on me all over again?
Jesus, I thought you guys
were supposed to be good at this.
Yeah.
[SANITIZER SQUIRTS]
[BLOWS]
[ROLL SQUEAKING]
[PLASTIC WRAP RUSTLING]
[BLOWING FORCEFULLY]
What's he doing now?
Yeah?
[TENSE ORCHESTRA MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [GRUNTING]
- Ah, Jesus!
I'm just fucking with you. I'm dead.
[SIGHS]
- [BELL DINGING]
- [PANICKING]
The fuck?
[CHARLES SIGHS]
Okay, okay.
- [CHARLES GRUNTING]
- [BODY THUDS]
Just gimme a minute, I-I'll
I can look through the
Get back, you animals! Back, I say!
You'll all get your waxed jackets
and New Yorker totes in due time!
- [TENANTS MURMURING]
- Scatter! [HISSING]
[TENANT] Mm!
Wow.
- Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh, no problem, champ.
Randall.
Randall, the Champ. [CHUCKLES]
I just want to, uh, say that
you're doing such a great job.
Oh?
Doesn't feel like it.
Oh, you're a natural.
You probably don't even need that.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- What even is that?
A ledger. Here, just
You flatter me, Mr. Putnam.
You really do.
You know something?
I wish all the residents
were as kind as you.
Oh, I'm not that kind.
Well, you are a friend of doormen.
No, I'm really not, actually.
What are you talking about? You just
This is the real Oliver Putnam!
- Sorry.
- [FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
And even though, you know,
I have my brownstone in the Village,
and my cave upstate, my team advised me
to buy somewhere more boring.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, duh.
The Arconia."
It's all old people.
And Mabel.
You still living with your aunt?
Yea no!
Uh, actually, I have my own apartment.
Yeah, it's a studio,
but it has everything I need.
A bed, a spot to record
my podcast, obviously.
You've never heard of my podcast.
Uh, well, they're making
a movie about it, so I don't know.
It might be a big deal,
Eva Longoria is playing me.
Oh, wow. [CHUCKLES] I only
listen to podcasts to fall asleep.
- What's yours?
- Only Murders in the Building.
Are you sure that's what it's called?
'Cause I'm just not
seeing it in the top 10.
You might have to click "See More."
Oh, I didn't know that was a thing.
Okay, I'm clicking,
I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling
[GASPS] Number 17, that's great.
[GASPS] Idea.
What if I came on as a guest?
You'd shoot right to the top.
Wow, uh, y
You know, I don't think we need
any, you know, shooting anywhere.
We're we're pretty successful.
Totally. [CHUCKLES]
- [POP SONG RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh! [SIGHS]
This is my therapist,
and she is so needy.
We've been playing phone tag for days,
but the offer still stands.
Sandra? Honey, it's okay.
How have you been?
[WHISPERING] Psst, Mabel.
I'm rooting for you.
Trauma's hard, Sandra. We all have it.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[FLOOR SQUEAKING]
[LEGS THUD]
[PANTING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] "Death Alone"?
Isn't that, uh, Pablo Neruda?
What?
Big scary mob guy can't like poetry?
- Sorry, I just thought that maybe
- You know what's funny?
I spent the last few years thinking
about how fuckin' old I am.
And now that I'm dead,
everybody's gonna be like,
"Oh, my God, he died so young."
[CHARLES SIGHS]
Not sure that would be the case for me.
Well, you better get a move on, pal,
because death is definitely coming.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
By the way, why the fuck
did I quit smoking?
"There are lone cemeteries
"tombs full of soundless bones,
"the heart threading a tunnel,
"a dark, dark tunnel.
"Death is drawn to sound.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
"Like a slipper without a foot,
"a suit without its wearer,
comes to knock with a ring,
stoneless and fingerless."
Shh!
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
I thought the body was
supposed to be hanging up.
Who cares?
Just write up what they said.
Time of death, this morning.
Top suspect, Caputo crime family.
- Less we know, the better.
- [CAMERA CLICKING]
- What the hell was that?
- Come out with your hands up!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[POLICE RADIO CHIRPING]
[OFFICER]
Hey, we must be hearing things.
Let's get out of here
before anyone sees us, alright?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[DOOR BELL JINGLING]
[DISTANT TRAFFIC NOISE]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- [CHARLES] I put Nicky back.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
These cops that found him
are definitely crooked.
- I think there's a cover-up.
- What Charles, that's huge.
And I'm sorry I left you behind.
No. I enjoyed risking
ten years' jail time
in my neighborhood dry cleaners.
But I'm glad you got to catch up
with your friend.
She's not my friend.
She I mean, she used to be my friend,
but that ended poorly.
[SCOFFS]
She brings out the worst in me.
Just when I'm feeling good
about myself,
she moves into the penthouse.
She's literally looking
down on me in my own home.
Screw her! You don't need her.
You got your whole life in front of you.
I, on the other hand,
much like Pablo Neruda's poem,
will likely experience "Death Alone."
That's dark. Are you okay?
- Yes.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- I got it!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, did you use
the old Oliver Putnam charm
to get it away from him?
S-Something like that.
It's a rich text.
There are notes on all the tenants,
birdwatching notes.
There's even a poem about a doorman,
titled "After You." [CHUCKLES]
A journeyman's effort. He tries
to rhyme "cough" with "through."
- The missing page.
- Wait.
[CRAYON RUBBING]
Ooh, money amounts.
"Gun, blind." Oh, this is juicy.
"Brown-headed cowbird, Eurasian jay,
kākāpō, bowerbird."
Are you kidding me, more bird notes?
So, Nicky had a list
of birds in his mouth.
But why are they all in a circle
with dollar amounts under them?
Well, "gun, blind, river,"
those are poker terms.
So what, Lester was working
on a bird version
of dogs playing poker?
God, this is more embarrassing
than the poem.
Lester's wife said he liked
comparing people to birds.
So, maybe these are code names
for people he was keeping tabs on?
And those dollar amounts
were what they were betting?
Wow, that's a lot.
Ooh, and things are back
to being juicy.
Looks like each page
is a different week's game.
They play Saturday at midnight,
which means there might be
a game tonight.
- We have to go.
- It starts at midnight?
I've already gotten up three times
to pee by midnight.
Well, figure it out,
because the players who were there
the night Nicky and Lester died
might be back.
So, I say we go early,
find a place to hide,
and see who they are.
Okay, but if we're gonna
infiltrate a midnight game
of New York's scariest
and most powerful mobsters,
first, we must nap.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[RANDALL] [WHISPERING] Man,
you can do this. You can do it, man.
Come on, Randall. You can do it.
[INHALES SHARPLY] You got this.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [OLIVER] Randall?
- Um, how may I help
Oh. Mr. Putnam.
I'm just, uh, returning your ledger.
And I'm I'm sorry about
the misunderstanding earlier.
Well, you ripped it from my hands.
Yes, the misunderstanding
was you didn't think I would do that.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING IN LOBBY]
No.
The building's falling apart
without Lester.
And to be honest, I didn't finish
my training with him,
so there's no way I can fill his shoes.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Have I ever told you the story about
when Sheena Easton played Moses
in my gender-bending musical twist
on The Ten Commandments?
Oh, no, the ledger
mentioned this might happen.
So, okay, it was our opening night,
and a then-unknown Sheena
was trying to fill the unfillable shoes
of Mr. Charlton Heston.
Hm.
And it it it just went
horribly wrong. People rioted.
And it definitely didn't have anything
to do with the script.
- Hmm.
- So, I sat her down,
and I told her, "Sheena-baneena,
stop trying to be Chuck
and start trying to be fillet mignon."
[SNORT-CHUCKLING]
And from then on, the rest is history.
So, the musical was a success?
I said it was history.
Point is, it's hard to follow a legend,
so stop trying to be Lester.
You can't be somebody you're not.
I still have a lot of follow-up
questions about this musical,
but I think I get
what you're trying to say.
Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
And I don't care what you say,
you're a good guy.
Ah, well, thank you.
And, um, I know
this might be hard to believe,
given my boyish good looks, but, uh,
I've actually lived
in this building quite a while.
So, if you wanted, I could try
and help you
finish some of that training.
- Really?
- Yes.
A-Any question you have,
please come to me.
Uh, I actually have a bunch of
questions. Can we start right now?
No. Right now, I have to take
a very important nap.
But, I would say any other time,
I promise, I'm there for ya.
- Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
- You got it.
[SOFT MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
[NICKY] "Death lies in our beds:
"In the lazy mattresses,
the black blankets,
"lives a full stretch
and then suddenly blows
"blows sound unknown,
filling out the sheets.
"And there are beds
sailing into a harbor
"where death is waiting,
- dressed as an admiral."
- [PHONE LINE RINGING]
- [PHONE BEEPING]
- Hi.
Uh, this is anonymous patient
General Custer,
and I'm in Dr. Tidyman's trial group,
and I'd like to get the next four doses
of 4-8-3-7-6-3-2-8-X-Y-T.
And I run out on Thursday,
so I'd like to get it
delivered right away.
General Custer.
[DISCONNECT TONE BEEPING]
[SIGHS]
- [OVERLAPPING PHONE ALARMS RINGING]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MABEL]
It's good we're getting here early.
People get whole new identities
to hide from the mafia,
and we're breaking laws to see them.
It's locked.
I discovered it opens with a key card.
Give me that.
[OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKING]
Finesse.
[HINGES SQUEAKING]
[DOOR THUDDING]
Wow!
This was really under
the Arconia all these years?
Yes, and Lester and Nicky
have both been here.
This room has gotta hold
some answers for us.
- [KEY CARD BEEPING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKING]
- [OLIVER GASPS, GULPS, AND SNORTS]
- [DOOR OPENING]
[DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER] Wait, wait.
They don't look like mobsters.
[WHISPERING] Those aren't mobsters.
They're CEOs.
[OLIVER GASPS]
Oh, right, I recognize them.
He's the one
who invented the one thing.
And didn't she go to space
with Gayle and Oprah?
[CHARLES GASPS]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING] Here, I'll Safari it.
H-T-T-P-slash-slash.
You you don't have to type
Uh, give it here, old man.
- W-W-W
- You don't have to type that either.
Here, I got it.
Okay, so this is tech billionaire
Sebastian Steed,
- goes by "Bash."
- [OLIVER] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I told you.
The guy who invented the thing.
[WHISPERING]
Okay, so the other guy is Jay Pflug.
Heir of the Pflug pharma family.
Oh, they make highly addictive drugs
that ruined a lot of people's lives.
They also make my blood pressure
medication, so I'm conflicted.
This is Camila White.
She owns half of New York's hotels.
And God, can she rock
a neutral cashmere.
She's like the human incarnation
of a Nancy Meyers kitchen.
Guys, guys, they're all billionaires.
This isn't the mob,
this is the new mob of New York.
Please tell me you recorded that. Okay.
- [CAMILA WHITE] I need a drink.
- [JAY PFLUG] Let's check the bar.
[ALL GASP QUIETLY]
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[CHARLES] As the city has changed,
so too have those in power.
The "mafia," as we once knew them,
may be no more,
but the idea of many losing
in order for an elite few to win
has never been more true.
Gone are the velour tracksuits
and gold chains,
replaced now by boat shoes
and Dogecoin.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[FINGERS TAPPING]
sync & corrections awaqeded
[DRAMATIC MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]