Shoresy (2022) s05e03 Episode Script

1
(Shoresy, in English):
You look so good. I'm in danger
of suffering a penile injury
in my pants.
-Should I move my foot?
-I swear to God,
I would paper cut my own eyelid
for a wet willy from ya.
You've got a style
all your own, Shoresy.
Well, it got me
the hottest girl in Sudbury.
-Let's fuckin' go.
-But that kinda sweet talk
-doesn't work on me anymore.
-Why? Huh?
Huh? 'Cause you told
Wayne Gretzky
you'd let him close an elevator
door on your nuts.
I'd let The Great One
sauce pucks into my teeth.
-That's fuckin' 99.
-Let's get serious.
-I'm super serious.
-These are my terms.
Oh my God.
-You can stay over
-Mm-hmm.
on nights
I don't have my kid.
I already stay over on nights
you don't have your kid.
While we work our way up
to you staying over on nights
I do have my kid.
So, we're working our way up
to me staying over on nights
you don't have
your kid and also
Nights I do have my kid.
So, we're working
our way up to
-Moving in together.
-Yeah!
(clapping)
Yes!
-Sit down, Shoresy.
-Yeah!
Eddie said sit down!
Oh, my God, you've made me
the happiest girl alive.
-I'm ready for this.
-We're gonna have so much fun.
We're gonna stay up late,
we'll drink pop.
-But
-We'll watch wrestling.
I want my kid to let me know
when he's ready for this.
Then we wait for the kid.
-So, this is cool?
-What?
I don't know, my friends say
I'm slow playing you too much.
You talk to your friends
about me?
Yeah, and they still can't
believe I'm dating a slut.
What do you say?
I say you do nice things for me.
Well, fine,
I'll buy ya breakfast,
but it's your turn
and that's your rule, not mine.
I think you'd do
just about anything for me.
Wanna see if I can swallow
that salt shaker?
I say you keep me entertained.
Well I'm crazy about ya
and I don't care who knows it,
Eddie!
Okay, Shoresy.
You make my life easier.
What do you say?
-Don't.
-Don't what? What do you say?
Just like, how good it feels
to like feel something.
What are you doing?
To feel something like
real.
-Stop that.
-I was startin' to think
-maybe I never would.
-I will kick you in your nuts.
People say manifesting
is stupid, it's silly.
Okay, I know you're joking,
but this is so dumb,
-I won't even joke about it.
-But I did it.
Did what, manifested something?
What did you manifest?
(Shoresy laughs)
("I'll Believe In Anything"
by Wolf Parade plays)
So give me your eyes ♪
I need sunshine ♪
Give me your eyes ♪
I need sunshine ♪
(Nat): They're unbeatable.
That's the media narrative.
-Okay.
-They're seven and O.
-Ex-pro.
-Every one of 'em
-drafted to the show.
-Their average height is 6'5".
(Nat): They're killing
everybody.
-Average height.
-Their goalie won Olympic gold.
These guys are monsters.
How do you eat
an entire elephant?
-I dunno.
-One bite at a time.
You think the Bulldogs
can beat the EU All-Stars?
-No.
-No?
-No way.
-Bro.
Then what are we fuckin'
doing here?
(mocking): Then what
are we fuckin' doing here?
Hangin' tight
for your good idea, Shoresy.
We form the NOSHO All-Stars.
-That's not gonna do it.
-Plus some other guys.
The NOSHO All-Stars?
Plus some other guys, yeah.
We have to market this shit,
Shoresy.
You really wanna run with
the NOSHO All-Stars
-plus some other guys?
-No.
-Then what?
-The EU All-Stars versus
-The NOSHO North Stars.
-Bingo.
-It's perfect.
-What do you think?
-I really don't care.
-Who?
What?
(Nat): Who?
-Huh?
-Oh, my God.
-Who're the other guys?
-I'll have your roster
-by end of week.
-Where they coming in from?
-North America.
-Well that narrows it down.
Did you not give it
its kibble this morning?
(Ziig): Fuck you, Shoresy.
Like, one of you must keep
some extra pellets
in your pocket by now, no?
And you're certain these guys
from North America
will get on a plane
to Sudbury for this?
To play a team of Euros
they're saying is better
at our game than we are?
-Yes.
-They'd walk.
-How can we help?
-Actually, I'll need to borrow
your service dog
for this first call.
-(Miig): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Emotional support animal
or whatever.
(Nat): Okay, Shoresy.
But first can you give it
some fuckin' chow?
Who do you need me
to call, slut?
And if you throw
some white rice in there,
-it won't be so farty.
-Who is he talking oh.
Oh, my God.
(video call chimes)
Gorgeous Gord Gallant.
Fancy seeing you here.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
It's gonna be a real long
road if you wanna talk
like a fruit, Gord.
Twice in two days, Ziigwan.
How'd I get so lucky?
What does he mean
twice in two days?
-(mocking): What does he mean
-Huh?
I banged him on Zoom last night.
Ew!
It was a first for me.
-Not for me.
-On this computer?
We are assembling a team
to play the EU All-Stars.
Whoa, those guys
are bigger than me.
Can you fly here this week?
(Gord): To play on the team?
No, to bake muffins.
-I'd walk.
-Told ya.
You'd better bring
some fuckin' Gatorade, Gord.
Yeah, bring her a pigs ear
or two. She loves those.
Fuck you, Shoresy.
(Shoresy): Oh hey, can you
hang out for the next call here?
-Why?
-'Cause you're the only one
I've ever seen communicate
successfully with them.
Who?
(video call chimes)
-(Ziig): The Freezer Twins.
-Yes?
Guys, have you heard of this
EU All-Star team
that's over here
killing everybody?
-Yes.
-When?
You were at McDonald's.
We're putting together
a team to play them.
-Where?
-Here.
-When?
-Good question. When?
-Matt just asked that.
-No, I was asking Ziig.
-What?
-When we're playing
-the EU All-Stars?
-Why?
Because I don't know
the answer.
-Ziig, when is the game?
-Soon.
My cousin Tim's birthday
is July 9th.
-Oh, my God.
-The game'll be before that.
Okay, because I can't
play that day.
-It'll be in the next couple weeks, right?
-I don't know.
-No, I was asking Ziig.
-Do you know?
-Do I know what?
-Yes, the game will be
within the next couple of weeks.
Do I know if I'm going
to Tim's birthday? Yes.
Guys, let's focus here.
It's glow in the dark bowling.
Nat is going to fly you guys
to Sudbury
to play in a hockey game
against the EU All-Stars.
-Soon?
-Yes.
How soon?
Because Survivor's almost on.
(sighs)
Gord, can we lock this up?
I'm doing my best.
Gonna be here 'til fuckin'
summer with these guys.
But Tim's birthday is July 9th.
-Holy!
-I don't think they understand.
Is there any reason
all these have to be on Zoom?
-No.
-Divide and conquer?
Yes.
("Let It Go" by Kotier playing)
(Dolo): Delaney.
They don't wanna let it go ♪
(phone ringing)
Schnurr.
In.
(phone rings)
Hello?
We're playing those guys? Yep.
(upbeat electronic music
continues)
(Schnurr): Palmer!
Playing that European
All-Star team.
(Palmer): Where?
In a town that just got
their strip club back.
Let's go!
(electronic music continues)
They don't wanna let it go ♪
They don't wanna let it go ♪
(music stops abruptly)
-Why are we sitting out here?
-It's nice out here.
As opposed to where, Delaney?
The furthest bathroom stall
from the door?
-The dressing room.
-Shut up, ya fuckin' coke head.
I'd rather be
out here, personally.
(in French): Everyone just be
quiet and listen to Shoresy.
(in English):
Dressing room's dank. It's dry.
I don't think something
can be both dank and dry.
It can't. (Michaels):
It's terrible for your skin.
Any French guys here?
(in French): I'm not French,
bro. I'm Québécois.
-(in English): Why?
-I don't like fuckin' French guys.
Well, I don't like
fuckin' 'em either,
but there's no reason
to be disruptive, old man.
We should get a humidifier.
-Don't be so aggressive.
-Don't be such a pussy.
-Let's just go to the room.
-We don't have a room.
-Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
-We don't have a dressing room?
Not at this juncture.
-Schnurr got his hand up. Look.
-What a fuckin' nerd.
-Schnurr!
-Rather than all of us
clashing over trivial matters
en route to coming together
in the pursuit
of a common goal
Ah, fuck you Schnurr,
you old fuck.
-Let him finish.
-Why don't we just connect
on that common goal now,
focus on what really
matters here,
beating the EU.
That's what I'm trying to do!
-(Goody): Settle down.
-So dumb.
(in French): Everyone just
shut up and listen to Shoresy.
-(in English): Oh, my God.
-Let's get on the go, b'y.
Yeah, fine.
Say,
you guys happen to know
anyone with a cereal,
a winery, and
2,857 NHL points?
-Are you fuckin' serious?
-Wayne Gretzky?
-Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.
-We don't know him.
-Oh, my God. -We know of him.
-Don't be a smart ass.
-Well, he asked if we knew him.
-Well, I didn't mean literally.
(in French): Doesn't matter. (in
English): Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Just I was talking
to Wayne the other day. Gretzky.
Really?
(Shoresy): Yeah, really.
-You serious, Shoresy?
-Why, you heard of him?
-Yeah.
-What did you talk about?
Me and Gretzky? Oh, man.
Well, he's like, How's it goin'?
And already I'm thinking,
this is crazy.
-That's so crazy.
-What else did you talk about?
He's just like, what's new?
Just like, really
easy to talk to
when you might not
think he would be.
-That's so cool.
-And anyway, we get chattin'
a little bit more, and he says
that he watched us on TV.
-Whoa.
-Wayner?
Yeah. National Senior
Tournament on BROdude.
-(indistinct excited chatter)
-The Great One.
Says he loves how we play.
-Whoa!
-What!
-Woo!
-Wayner.
-Fuckin' eh, boys.
Yeah, I'm just standin' there,
minding my own business.
The Great One walks over,
says, you're gonna give me
somethin' to watch
-next year, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-What'd you say?
Ask and you shall receive,
Mr. Gretzky.
-You really said that?
-Well, no. I fuckin' wish
I could be that cool in front
of The Great One.
Probably said something like
(mocking): Fer sure!
-(laughing)
-We are gonna give him
something to watch this year.
-Called the NOSHO North Stars.
-Yep.
We're gonna be playing
the EU All-Stars.
-Yep.
-And boys,
we're gonna do some
real bad shit
to those guys.
(together): Oh, yeah!
But first things first.
Starting a new team.
What do you need
when you start a new team?
Culture. Need to build
a winning culture.
And how do you build
a winning culture?
Two things.
First thing: names.
Take care of the people
that take care of us.
Know their names, chat 'em up,
be good to 'em.
(in French): Hasn't always been
your style, Shoresy.
(in English): Yeah, I know
it's not always been my style,
but it's important.
Yeah, so
we don't have, like,
a trainer or equipment guy
-or anything like that.
-It's senior whale shit hockey.
Yeah, we're kinda pov,
so we don't have nice things.
But we do have
Emily.
She works the ticket window,
runs the 50/50 and one time,
she put her hand on my leg
at a Christmas party.
Now, sometimes Emily's
got her granddaughter
Ethel with her.
And I know it's kinda weird
'cause like, Emily's old
with a young person name,
but Ethel's young
with an old person name,
but that's, just like,
an example of the type of thing
you can chat to her about
when you stop by
to see how she's doing.
What's her name?
(all): Emily.
This is Kev.
Drives the Zamboni.
Keeps the ice clean for us.
He's here every night past 11
with the beer leaguers
and back every morning at 6 a.m.
for the Timbits kids.
He's one of the greatest
community members Sudbury's got.
He might even be a bigger beauty
than Emily. Figuratively.
And literally, I guess.
What's his name?
-(all): Kev.
-This is Santiago and "George" (Jorge).
Jorge spelled with a J,
which I think is a pretty
cool way to spell it.
They don't even speak English.
Now, these guys clean the rink.
Which means that every time
some asshole spits their gum
into the urinal,
they gotta fish it out.
And every time some drunk hurls
a sidewalk pizza in the stands,
they gotta mop it up.
Now, they won't say much,
but they love donuts.
So, if you're stopping by Tim's
on the way to the rink,
it's a honey cruller
for Santiago
and a Boston cream for Jorge.
And if you grab a maple dip
for Kev, I doubt he'd complain.
What's their names?
(all): Santiago and Jorge.
What's his name?
(all): Kev.
What's her name?
(all): Emily.
Hell yeah, fuck yeah.
First practice as a team here, boys.
Big practice on deck here now.
I want hard passes,
calling for pucks,
practice how you play.
What do you say Old Gorgeous?
What's second?
(Shoresy): Huh?
-The second thing?
-What do you mean the sec
To building a winning culture.
You said it takes two things.
First thing, names.
Second thing?
Beers.
("The Music Began To Play" by Mark
Knight, Armand Van Helden playing)
(upbeat electronic music)
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
And the music began to play ♪
-(Nat): Shoresy?
-What?
Come here.
-Fer what?
-You do a head count?
Do I look like a fuckin'
scout master?
One is missing. Where is he?
Probably gettin'
his dick sucked.
-It's Delaney.
-Fuckin' coke head.
He's our best scorer.
Where is he?
On the strip club side
of the bar, for sure.
This is a team mixer, Shoresy.
Well, you brought 'em to a bar
where half of it
is a strip club.
-So?
-So, bring a kid to play land,
he's gonna go ball pittin'.
We are here to get
to know each other.
-I know.
-We're here to build
-a winning culture.
-You're right.
-We need total buy-in.
-I'm with ya.
So, what's he doing over there?!
Ziig, hold my beer.
(Ziig): Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fine. I'll go get him.
-Go get him.
-Yeah, I'm gonna go get him.
-Go get him!
-Fuckin' Delaney!
(upbeat electronic music
continues)
Oh, you're an idiot
if you think you can get her,
Michaels.
-I know, Shoresy.
-Look at you compared to Sanguinet.
He's tall with long hair
and a long dick.
-Okay, Shoresy.
-You're short
with a weird face.
(Michaels): Okay, wow!
Pretty good dick though,
I'll give you that.
-(Michaels): Thanks!
-Delaney.
Half of this bar
is a strip club!
-This is a team mixer.
-Yeah, but half of this bar
We're here to get
to know each other.
At a strip club?
That's kinda weird.
No, only half of this bar
is a strip club.
-Uh-huh. Wanna come back in 10?
-We're here to build
-a winning culture, Delaney.
-Okay, five.
You can't build
a winning culture
unless every guy buys in.
-I know.
-Every single guy.
-Absolutely.
-So then what are you doing
on the strip club side
of the bar when there's
a team mixer
on the club side of the bar?
You brought me to a bar
where half of it
-Not buying in.
-All right, man! I'll buy in.
-No, you won't.
-I'm buying in.
-No you fuckin' aren't.
-I'm in.
Now let's fuck these Euros up.
Yeah, unless we're playing
at a rink
-where half of it's a strip club?
-Now we're talkin'.
Oh, you fuck
-You're cut.
-Fuck off!
No, we don't need ya.
Get outta here.
-Aw, come on, man. It's the first night!
-Beat it.
-What do I have to do?
-We're gonna do some real bad
shit to these guys, Delaney,
and we can't do it unless
every guy buys in.
-I'll do it.
-The Euro's are seven and O.
I have to be on this team,
Shoresy. I'll do anything.
-I don't believe ya.
-How do I prove it?
Let me prove it.
(indistinct chatter)
-We don't have a dressing room.
-That's a real thing?
-We lost it.
-How do you lose a dressing room?
Those guys have it now.
-Wanna be on this team?
-Yes.
-Huh?
-Yes.
Go get it back.
-(scoffs)
-Are you serious?
Buy in.
("Freedom (Body Ocean Remix)"
(by Steve Angello playing)
(glass shatters)
O-M-G no O-N-E ♪
(men shouting indistinctly)
Ain't what they seem
not bold as me ♪
Ain't lived a life
as low as me ♪
(glass shatters)
(shouting)
Valet parking, Rolls please ♪
(glass shattering)
(men shouting indistinctly)
(thudding)
Freedom devour ♪
This is not choice
this is ours ♪
America's ours ♪
Runs like the towers ♪
We back and we better ♪
We rain like the showers ♪
We watching the cowards
All of you cowards ♪
(men shouting indistinctly)
(electronic music continues)
(thudding)
(glass shattering)
(shouting)
(thudding)
Fuck with a boy
ain't cold as he ♪
(electronic music continues)
(group cheering)
Fuck with a boy
ain't cold as he ♪
Ain't what they seem
not bold as me ♪
Ain't lived a life
as low as me ♪
I don't do the nose bleeds ♪
I just pass 'em those keys ♪
Valet parking, Rolls please ♪
Money is power ♪
Look at the people in power ♪
Funeral flowers
Freedom devour ♪
This is not choice
this is ours ♪
America's ours ♪
Runs like the towers ♪
We back and we better ♪
We rain like the showers ♪
We watching the cowards
All of you cowards ♪
(music stops abruptly)
That's how you build
a winning culture.
Everybody buys in.
-Who you gonna do this with?
-Do what?
-Coach.
-Huh?
Every coach needs an assistant.
Yeah, little good cop, bad cop.
-Sanger?
-What, so he can see
-Michaels try to wheel his girl?
-Try?
-She's way too hot for him.
-You think?
She's such a little sweetie.
She's just such a
She's just such a little cutie.
I saw her and Michaels
making out
-on the security cameras.
-Really?
-I saw them making out tonight.
-Really?!
And her and Sanger split.
Really?!
Does she look like
the type to step out?
No.
No, she's such a little sweetie.
She's just such a little
She's such a little cutie.
So then, who is
your assistant coach?
You.
Me?
Are you serious?
-No.
-Oh, my God!
-What the fuck are you gonna do?
-Oh, fuck you, Shoresy.
You never skated
a day in your life.
-I skated for years!
-Not on men's skates.
-(scoffs)
-You are such an idiot.
You gonna fuckin' teach 'em
how to toe pick?
-Then who?
-My brother.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Oh, don't ask me that.
-Why not?
-'Cause it gets bad when
I have to talk about him.
-What do you mean?
-Trust me, it gets bad.
Well, you're gonna have
to talk about him.
We're announcing it
and I promised someone
the exclusive.
Aw, no fuckin'
I'm Jory Jordan
and this is a Sudbury
Kids Sport Report exclusive.
A respected coach,
feared player,
beloved boyfriend
and over-all stand-up guy.
That guest was unable
to make it today,
so instead we've got
formerly #69 Shore.
Shoresy, the growing sentiment
around town and on socials
is that the NOSHO North Stars
is full of irrelevant,
washed-up losers who couldn't
get a win if it was listed
for free on Kijiji.
-What's the question?
-No question.
More to that, for years now,
you've surfed the line between
sinfully ugly and eye-wateringly
stupid. Period.
With Shoresy today is his newly
appointed assistant coach
and brother Morris.
-Call me Mo.
-That's the OG right there.
'Sup, big homie?
That's what it do.
Shoresy, last time I checked,
white people can't call
black people brother
like black people can call
black people brother.
What makes you think
you're somehow above
convention here?
He's actually my brother.
Ah, mixed race parents.
You know what it is.
-No.
-No?
Our dad is white.
Are you sure?
We don't know our moms.
Well, I'll bet yours
is not Nordic.
-We're adopted.
-You're adopted brothers?
-Yes.
-I was gonna say,
mixed race parents all day,
but it is rare to see
someone that white procreate
with someone that black.
Shoresy, you've never had
an original thought
in your life. Tell me,
how did you land on my boy here
as your assistant coach?
Oh, man, just
'Cause there's no one
in the world I respect more.
And just 'cause I respect
him so much, and
Trust him so much, and
Since I love him so much.
Can you elaborate
on that, Shoresy?
Just for everything he did
for me growing up.
He
He was always
looking out for me, and
(tearfully): And just
making sure nothing bad
ever happened to me, and
Sorry.
Yeah it gets bad, eh?
Well, you didn't
sob or anything.
It gets bad when I have
to talk about him.
-Bit of a spectacle.
-I know it gets bad, eh?
What are his strengths
as a coach?
He keeps it simple.
What are you doing?
-I want to see the room.
-I want to see the room.
Well, it's not our room anymore.
-Saw that.
-Is it nice?
-You haven't seen it?
-No.
-Come see it.
-How did you get in there?
-It's unlocked.
-And nobody's around?
-No.
-And they just left the room unlocked?
-Who cares?
-Well
Hey, you said you wanted
to see the room.
-Yeah.
-So, come see it.
Keeps it simple.
All the Bulldogs should see it.
(Nat): Shoresy.
(Shoresy): Who cares?
(Nat): Is there a TV in there?
(in French): Holy fuck, boys!
(in English): Been gone
five fuckin' minutes.
(in French): Good is not good
if better is expected?
What the fuck is this?
(in English): I prefer "For the
community, by the community."
(Shoresy): Wee bit
of an upgrade, eh?
What do you think, Big Mo?
(Morris): Like you
were never here.
(crowd cheering on TV)
(announcer 1): A 4-0 lead
for the EU in Edmonton
after one,
with the visiting team
scoring four unanswered
in a dominant first period,
both physically
and on the scoreboard.
(hard hit)
Ooh! Another thundering check
from Hakohrju and another
Edmonton player on the ice.
(announcer 2): Boy, I bet
these guys wish
they were somewhere else.
(announcer 1): Five to nothing
for the Europeans.
Not an inch of room
for Edmonton out there
and the shots reflect that, 27-7
midway through the second period
and the Europeans are up
six to nothing.
We've got Anik Archambault with
EU coach Teppo Maki. Anik
Teppo, some crease crashing
from Edmonton this period,
but Cederstrom has stood tall.
He's a brick wall out there.
It's just nice to finally see
a bit of push back
from Edmonton here.
Nice to see some fight
from anyone on this
side of the pond.
You're garnering quite
the reputation
for your spicy quotes, coach.
We are all watching
the same game. Yeah?
The reputation
for tough hockey here
has expired. Undeserving.
(announcer 1): Look at
the size of Ruzicka.
(announcer 2): That might be
the biggest man
-I've seen on skates.
-Absolutely rag-dollin' 'em.
Edmonton could sure use
some guys from that banned
Sudbury church league
right about now.
I heard those guys
play like psychos!
(announcer 1): Seven to nothing
EU.
We'll go to commercial,
eight to nothing EU.
Nine to nothing, EU.
Ten to nothing, EU.
Double digits. And now 11-0
for the Europeans.
(announcer 2): You really have
to see it to believe it, folks.
This EU team is spectacular.
(announcer 1):
They're unbeatable, old friend.
Unbeatable.
("MIA" by Bishu & Vexx playing)
Don't, don't
move it around ♪
Don't, don't, don't
don't, don't ♪
Move it around
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, move it a ♪
Bunny ♪
Move it around ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, don't, don't
don't, don't, don't ♪
Move it around
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Bunny ♪
Move it around ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, don't, don't
don't, don't, don't ♪
Round, round, round,
round, round, round ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Round, round, round,
round, round, round ♪
Don't, don't, move it around ♪
Don't, don't, don't, don't
don't, don't, don't ♪