Son of a Critch (2022) s05e03 Episode Script
The Great Debate
1
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Debating.
The next best thing to theatre arts.
I loved it because I got to talk.
Fox loved it because she got to argue.
Should jeans be allowed in school?
Cara, you take the con
side, arguing against.
Critch, you're the pro side.
Calm down, Matlock.
Cara first.
Thank you.
My name is Cara, and I
believe that jeans should not
be allowed in schools
for the following reasons.
Denim dungarees are the devil's trouser.
The Canadian tuxedo is
anything but formal wear.
It is an abomination to
not only the school system,
but to the human eye
[VOICE FADES OUT]
JUDGE: All rise.
You may be seated.
MARK: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your Honour
I may not be a big city lawyer
like my learned friend over there,
dressed in her New York finery.
No, sir.
I didn't go to some fancy
Ivy League law school,
and I sure as sugar don't got me no suit
cut finer than a frog
hair split four ways.
But my momma, God rest her soul,
she taught me right from wrong
when I was knee-high to a grasshopper.
Now, I may just be a small-town lawyer,
but that don't give her
the right to pee down my
back and tell me it's rainin'!
I got a burr in my saddle, sir,
and I am madder than a wet hen,
because this witness's story
it's all cattywampus, sir!
- [BANGS GAVEL]
- Cattywampus, I say!
[BANGING GAVEL]
[SMACKS BOOK] Wake up, doofus.
It's your turn.
My name is Mark and I think that jeans
should be allowed in schools.
I like mine baggy.
I mean, I tried wearing
tight jeans, but I just
couldn't pull 'em off.
You ever wonder what those tiny
pockets in your jeans are for?
For coins.
I was so excited when I found that out,
but the guy who was
wearin' 'em sure got upset.
So, you like movies, folks?
We rented Jaws the other night.
Did you know that shark wore jeans?
[MIMICKING JAWS THEME]
"Den-im Den-im
Denim, denim, denim."
Oh, then we played some Super Mario.
He's a plumber. He wears jeans.
[MIMICKING SUPER MARIO THEME]
"Denim, denim, denim!" Ooh
[SMACKS BOOK] Enough! Enough.
First of all, that was the same
dumb joke, like, three times.
- I object!
- And second of all,
did you even listen to Cara's argument?
I got the gist.
This is a debating club,
Mark, not a comedy club.
Someone's a sore loser.
She didn't lose.
I love you, but I love a loser.
[SMACKS BOOK] Cara wins!
I demand a retrial!
CARA: This is such a waste of time.
We need more members.
Serious ones.
I take my comedy seriously.
Yeah, maybe a little
too seriously, sometimes?
May I approach the bench?
[HEART-WARMING MUSIC]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- SISTER ROSE: Ahem.
Am I interrupting something?
Typical behaviour from
a child of a broken home.
Get to class, hussy.
Not you.
♪
VOCM colour weather radar.
Rain, drizzle, and fog
with patches of sun,
followed by freezing
rain this afternoon.
Light flurries overnight.
Something for everyone,
on the big number one in VOCM Valley!
- [SIGHS]
- Mr. Bartlett.
Mike. I'm goin' through the books.
The advertisers are droppin' like flies.
Ever since the cod moratorium,
might as well be a radio moratorium.
Well, people turn to radio
in times of crisis, sir,
and VOCM is the voice they trust.
Well, the people are leaving in droves
and taking their money with 'em,
so what you and I gotta do
is start making some cuts.
We gotta get out the pen, the red pen!
Red as in blood.
Now, please explain to me, Mike, why
why do I own the house that you live in?
Oh, uh, well
well, that's the company house, sir.
You see, I'm kinda like
a lighthouse keeper,
in case something goes wrong
in the middle of the night.
When I first started,
the station was in
the middle of nowhere.
Was. Now it's on the edge of somewhere.
The city has grown.
That's prime real estate.
And Mike
you're hardly paying anything in rent!
Oh, well, that arrangement
goes back decades, sir.
And it's reflected in my pay.
I don't make near as much
as the news directors
at other stations, and
in fact, you know,
we're barely getting by,
and I was going to ask
Yes, sir, prime real estate.
Half the province is moving to Alberta.
My car lots are dying.
No one's buying cars!
They're they're
renting moving trucks!
That's what I should do. I
should buy a fleet a' those,
and and
I should park 'em right where
your house is, which is
right on the highway.
That's somethin' to consider.
[SOMBRE MUSIC]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I'm sorry, Sister
but I'm only human, after all.
I mean, our Lord was tempted
in the Garden, am I right?
Save it, Romeo.
I don't care about your
sweaty-handed fumblings.
This is important.
The premier ! [SCOFFS]
This cod moratorium is
going to affect all of us.
He says we can't
afford different schools
for Catholics and Protestants anymore.
He wants to
bring us together.
Schools without nuns?
I I won't stand for it!
Oh, shut it.
What's so bad about going to
school with Protestants, Sister?
What's so ? [SCOFFS]
Without Catholic schools,
you wouldn't know God at all.
Do you know that the Baptists
don't even think that Mary was a virgin?
Do you want to go to
school with a slutty Mary?
Yeah. I, uh, I see your point.
I mean, you're a teacher,
but I doubt the new school
board is gonna hire any nuns.
No offence.
The premier is having a referendum
on the denominational school system.
I, for one, intend to go down swinging.
There's a cable TV call-in show.
"Community Chat"?
Channel 9, Wednesdays at 7.
It's up against "The Price Is Right."
Terrible slot for a terrible show.
They've asked for some Holy
Heart students to appear.
I never miss it. Do go on.
They want the Catholic
and Protestant students
to tell them how they
feel about the change.
Besides, you signed up for shop class.
I know Jesus, and you are no carpenter.
You want out?
I can make that happen.
I'm in.
I'm passionate on the issue. I think
Ah-ah-ah!
You don't know what you think
until I tell you what you think.
You wanna be on TV, Critch?
So very much.
Then you'll say what I want.
You're no debater, Critch.
You're an actor. You need lines.
I will be Jim Henson,
and you will be my Muppet.
Mahna-mahna. Do-do, do-do-do. ♪
This stays between us.
Let's get to work.
♪
SISTER ROSE: Okay
MARK: Nightcap?
POP: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Yeah, good lad.
- Careful, it's hot.
- Ooh, thanks.
Ah, lovely. Oh, bag in, yeah, good.
[SIPS] Mmm!
Look at this damn thing.
"The premier plans to
scrap Newfoundland's
275-year-old denominational
school system."
Jesus.
It's all moving so fast.
275 years is fast?
I mean, they just stopped
saying the Mass in Latin,
and now they're lettin' Protestants in!
Did you ever know any?
Prods? Hmm.
Ah hmm
Y'know, we were taught
to stay clear of 'em.
I mean, they had they
had different churches,
different schools, different
side of the harbour.
They owned the shops,
we worked the docks.
The only time we ever
mixed was to fight.
Why did you fight?
Because they were Protestants!
But are Protestants bad?
No.
We just didn't know
any better, you know?
All that stuff
it really should have stayed
behind in the old country.
Does it really matter what
church people don't go to?
Well, but combining
schools means less schools.
You know, and Term 17
of the Terms of Union with Canada
clearly guarantees the church's
right to administer education.
That's our right.
Our God-given right!
Sweet Jesus.
You're beginning to
sound like Sister Rose.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Busted.
But
you do have an excellent point.
Thank you.
For ending it!
You know, that nun,
she's brainwashed you!
It's time she taught you
to think for yourself.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Oh, I could think for myself;
I just couldn't say what I thought.
So what?
I wanted to be a TV actor.
And what is acting
if not creative lying?
♪
[GASPS EXCITEDLY]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Woo!
[UPBEAT TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
[POT LID RATTLING]
Ooh!
You get back in your little
hot tub there, sweetie!
Mary, Mark's on the TV tonight.
We should have supper
in the Good God!
I know! Lobster! Isn't it great?
[GIGGLES]
POP: What? Oh, disgusting!
You know, in my day,
the family that ate the
lobster were the poor ones!
The rich crowd, they could
afford to buy canned goods.
Bottom feeders!
Beady little eyes.
Times have changed, Pop.
Lobster's classy now.
It's chic.
We can't afford lobster, Mary!
That's the thing! These
were free from work.
Now that there's no more cod,
the tourism department
is pushing lobster.
There's even gonna be
a Great Lobster Boil
on the waterfront, just like the song!
The Great Lobster Boil!
[GIGGLES]
But
shouldn't they all
be in the one big pot?
Lobster! And here I thought I
wasn't paying ya enough, Mike.
Mr. Bartlett!
Uh, what are you doing here, sir?
Well, it's still my place.
I guess I can look
around my own property.
The landlord? Oh, good!
'Cause there's plenty around
here that needs fixing.
This place is a dump!
MARY: Mr. Bartlett,
would you care to stay for supper?
We're having lobster, don't you know?
- Love to.
- Rats of the sea.
♪
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
It was like West Side Story,
but with less knives
and more crucifixes.
You must be from Holy Heart.
What makes you say that?
Just 'cause she's a nun?
That's exactly the anti-Catholic
prejudice we are here to expose.
But you are from Holy Heart?
Uh, yes, we are.
Excellent.
What the hell was that?
What?
[SIGHS]
As we practiced, Critch.
Remember, you are an empty vessel.
Like a silver chalice ready to be filled
with the blood of Christ.
CREW: Places!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I felt like a 1960s doctor
about to do a cigarette commercial.
CREW: Quiet on the set, please!
MARK: Okay
Yes, it's a it's a nice
home you have here, Mike.
Or I should say, "I have."
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
POP: You should see
the linoleum over there.
Peeling like a sunburn.
And don't get me started on the windows.
You could dry your hair with the wind
that blows through this place.
- Pop
- And the front step?
[CHUCKLES]
One false move you're in the street.
You'll have a lawsuit on your hands.
Lawsuit.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Mary?
Mary!
Dinner is served!
[STATELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
In case you have trouble with
the shells, don't you know?
♪
You can use it later
to fix the curtain rod.
I have no idea how to eat this
as I have never had
lobster before in my life.
We usually only have a
few dirty old potatoes.
MARY: Mike!
- [CLINKING SOUNDS]
- I believe my lobster's moving.
[LOUD THUD]
Bon appetit!
Hey, you guys are eating without me?
Ooh! Lobster!
He lives here too?
Yeah, but I'm in the,
uh, basement apartment.
Ah apartment?
What, am I housing the entire station?
Well, I am lookin'
for a place of my own.
So, you won't need all this room?
Mark is on the TV tonight.
Should be starting soon.
Why don't we go watch
in the living room?
CREW: In 3, 2, 1
[THEME MUSIC]
Tonight, we speak to
our province's youth
about the denominational school system.
What do they think?
We're joined by Catholic
and Protestant students.
New TV, Mike?
Why, yes, it is.
Only 'cause Mark broke the old one.
In Newfoundland, there
are Catholic, Anglican,
United, Presbyterian, Salvation Army,
and Seventh-day Adventist
schools in some districts.
A public school system
would have just one.
How do you feel about that?
I think it'd be good.
There'd be more money for stuff
like sports and music programs.
CARA: I'm actually United.
My mom had to fight hard
to get me transferred to Holy Heart,
and I live next door.
Taxpayers' money shouldn't
be used to split kids up.
This is religious persecution!
Catholics are just
37% of the population.
We're a minority.
Can you imagine if the
other provinces voted
that Quebecers can no
longer speak French?
The Pope has lots of money.
They should sell a few
statues in the Vatican
if they want their own schools.
Yeah.
I read that if they combine schools,
it saves $30 million a year.
That's a lot of books.
Um
I'm thinking of one
book they wouldn't buy.
It's my favourite book.
It's got it all.
War romance
zombies.
It's, uh, a little book called, uh
the Bible.
Maybe, uh maybe you've heard of it.
Your little fella's some religious.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
MARY: He's graduating
high school this year,
don't you know?
Oh, another empty bed!
Oh, no, no, Mark's an actor.
He's never leavin' home.
POP: What are you, hm?
You're not Catholic, right?
Anglican? United!
No, no, I'm Pentecostal.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
I'm surprised they even
let you watch the TV at all!
MARY: Pop! Don't be an arsehole!
We have company!
No, no, Mary, it's fine. I'm
used to all the questions.
I tithe 10% right off the top.
Goes straight to the church.
But, Mike, this is why I drive
myself so hard in business.
You can't be generous
unless you've got it to give.
"Render to Caesar the
things that are Caesar's,
and to God the things
that are God's."
Mark 12:17.
Give me a break! You
think nuns are saints?
They made my brother
write with his left hand
tied behind his back.
And they told me my mom would
burn in hell for divorcing Dad.
What's that got to do with math?
And now they're making
you be their suck hole!
I assure you, I have sucked no holes.
Oh, and, uh, we have a
caller! Go ahead. Line 1?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Saved by the bell!
SISTER ROSE:
[IN FAKE VOICE] Hello.
I have to say I agree
with the young boy.
I am a youth me'self and I
think religion is totally cool.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The show
was going off the rails so fast
it was almost ready for daytime TV.
Welcome back.
If you've just joined us,
we've been talkin' to two groups
on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
Protestants who believe that
Jesus was the Son of God
and Catholics who believe
that Jesus was the Son of God,
but with a Pope.
I have a question for
the red-headed hussy.
What'd you call me?
Why do you think you're "all that"?
Because ya ain't!
Come up here and say that!
Bring it!
[DRAMATIC TV TALK SHOW
CONFRONTATION MUSIC]
- [LOUD THUD]
- [AUDIENCE YELLING]
[SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]
Now it's time for my final thought.
As different as they
are, they are both wrong.
You can't learn your lesson
if you don't learn to listen.
And the best place for
that is a school of thought.
Until next time, take
care of yourselves.
And each Oh!
HOST: Mark? Anything you'd like to add?
Uh
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
Just, uh, to remember
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
Even though you vote behind a curtain
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
♪
God is watching.
Give me a break!
You don't even go to church anymore!
MARK: [TV] That's not the point!
FOX: [TV] Oh, then what is
the point? Do you even
[TV SWITCHES OFF]
MIKE: [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Kids!
Well, thank you for the meal, Mary!
It was
enlightening.
Hey, don't forget the toilet!
You have to jiggle it!
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Uh
Uh, Mr. Bartlett, uh, sir, I, uh
[SIGHS]
You have a nice family,
Mike, and a good home.
Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
But this? We can't go
on like this forever.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[EXHALES]
Well, I think this evening
went just about perfectly.
Hm?
Come on.
Mark's show's comin' back on.
["COMMUNITY CHAT"
THEME MUSIC ON TV]
HOST: [TV] This is the
referendum question.
"Do you support a single school
system where all children,
regardless of their religion,
attend the same schools?"
If you could, how would you vote?
Can I get a show of hands? Yes?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
♪
HOST: Mark
you seem to have had a change of heart.
Uh, I I guess.
Well, the Protestant kids
I live closer to
their school than mine.
If I'da gone there [CHUCKLES]
I coulda slept an extra
20 minutes every morning,
maybe even had breakfast.
We've always been taught
to stay away from them
but hearing these kids today,
they're no different than us.
Someone once told me that this stuff
should have stayed in the old country.
If we stopped dividing everything
buses, sports teams, dances, kids
we wouldn't just have
more resources, we'd
we'd have more friends.
I dunno, it just seems
silly, doesn't it?
And I feel comfortable saying that,
'cause my teachers
they taught me to think for myself.
[SIGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Times change.
The things you once
thought were immovable
have a way of shifting overnight.
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
MR. BARTLETT: [INDISTINCT] Gertie
Look at this, Gertie, my dear.
This is the future, Gertie!
Out with the old
Sorry, Mike.
In with the new!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes
change happens too fast.
You don't have to embrace it,
but eventually you do have to accept it.
Some people think that if they
just keep their heads down
long enough, maybe
time would pass them by.
But change has a way
of creeping up on you.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Debating.
The next best thing to theatre arts.
I loved it because I got to talk.
Fox loved it because she got to argue.
Should jeans be allowed in school?
Cara, you take the con
side, arguing against.
Critch, you're the pro side.
Calm down, Matlock.
Cara first.
Thank you.
My name is Cara, and I
believe that jeans should not
be allowed in schools
for the following reasons.
Denim dungarees are the devil's trouser.
The Canadian tuxedo is
anything but formal wear.
It is an abomination to
not only the school system,
but to the human eye
[VOICE FADES OUT]
JUDGE: All rise.
You may be seated.
MARK: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your Honour
I may not be a big city lawyer
like my learned friend over there,
dressed in her New York finery.
No, sir.
I didn't go to some fancy
Ivy League law school,
and I sure as sugar don't got me no suit
cut finer than a frog
hair split four ways.
But my momma, God rest her soul,
she taught me right from wrong
when I was knee-high to a grasshopper.
Now, I may just be a small-town lawyer,
but that don't give her
the right to pee down my
back and tell me it's rainin'!
I got a burr in my saddle, sir,
and I am madder than a wet hen,
because this witness's story
it's all cattywampus, sir!
- [BANGS GAVEL]
- Cattywampus, I say!
[BANGING GAVEL]
[SMACKS BOOK] Wake up, doofus.
It's your turn.
My name is Mark and I think that jeans
should be allowed in schools.
I like mine baggy.
I mean, I tried wearing
tight jeans, but I just
couldn't pull 'em off.
You ever wonder what those tiny
pockets in your jeans are for?
For coins.
I was so excited when I found that out,
but the guy who was
wearin' 'em sure got upset.
So, you like movies, folks?
We rented Jaws the other night.
Did you know that shark wore jeans?
[MIMICKING JAWS THEME]
"Den-im Den-im
Denim, denim, denim."
Oh, then we played some Super Mario.
He's a plumber. He wears jeans.
[MIMICKING SUPER MARIO THEME]
"Denim, denim, denim!" Ooh
[SMACKS BOOK] Enough! Enough.
First of all, that was the same
dumb joke, like, three times.
- I object!
- And second of all,
did you even listen to Cara's argument?
I got the gist.
This is a debating club,
Mark, not a comedy club.
Someone's a sore loser.
She didn't lose.
I love you, but I love a loser.
[SMACKS BOOK] Cara wins!
I demand a retrial!
CARA: This is such a waste of time.
We need more members.
Serious ones.
I take my comedy seriously.
Yeah, maybe a little
too seriously, sometimes?
May I approach the bench?
[HEART-WARMING MUSIC]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- SISTER ROSE: Ahem.
Am I interrupting something?
Typical behaviour from
a child of a broken home.
Get to class, hussy.
Not you.
♪
VOCM colour weather radar.
Rain, drizzle, and fog
with patches of sun,
followed by freezing
rain this afternoon.
Light flurries overnight.
Something for everyone,
on the big number one in VOCM Valley!
- [SIGHS]
- Mr. Bartlett.
Mike. I'm goin' through the books.
The advertisers are droppin' like flies.
Ever since the cod moratorium,
might as well be a radio moratorium.
Well, people turn to radio
in times of crisis, sir,
and VOCM is the voice they trust.
Well, the people are leaving in droves
and taking their money with 'em,
so what you and I gotta do
is start making some cuts.
We gotta get out the pen, the red pen!
Red as in blood.
Now, please explain to me, Mike, why
why do I own the house that you live in?
Oh, uh, well
well, that's the company house, sir.
You see, I'm kinda like
a lighthouse keeper,
in case something goes wrong
in the middle of the night.
When I first started,
the station was in
the middle of nowhere.
Was. Now it's on the edge of somewhere.
The city has grown.
That's prime real estate.
And Mike
you're hardly paying anything in rent!
Oh, well, that arrangement
goes back decades, sir.
And it's reflected in my pay.
I don't make near as much
as the news directors
at other stations, and
in fact, you know,
we're barely getting by,
and I was going to ask
Yes, sir, prime real estate.
Half the province is moving to Alberta.
My car lots are dying.
No one's buying cars!
They're they're
renting moving trucks!
That's what I should do. I
should buy a fleet a' those,
and and
I should park 'em right where
your house is, which is
right on the highway.
That's somethin' to consider.
[SOMBRE MUSIC]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I'm sorry, Sister
but I'm only human, after all.
I mean, our Lord was tempted
in the Garden, am I right?
Save it, Romeo.
I don't care about your
sweaty-handed fumblings.
This is important.
The premier ! [SCOFFS]
This cod moratorium is
going to affect all of us.
He says we can't
afford different schools
for Catholics and Protestants anymore.
He wants to
bring us together.
Schools without nuns?
I I won't stand for it!
Oh, shut it.
What's so bad about going to
school with Protestants, Sister?
What's so ? [SCOFFS]
Without Catholic schools,
you wouldn't know God at all.
Do you know that the Baptists
don't even think that Mary was a virgin?
Do you want to go to
school with a slutty Mary?
Yeah. I, uh, I see your point.
I mean, you're a teacher,
but I doubt the new school
board is gonna hire any nuns.
No offence.
The premier is having a referendum
on the denominational school system.
I, for one, intend to go down swinging.
There's a cable TV call-in show.
"Community Chat"?
Channel 9, Wednesdays at 7.
It's up against "The Price Is Right."
Terrible slot for a terrible show.
They've asked for some Holy
Heart students to appear.
I never miss it. Do go on.
They want the Catholic
and Protestant students
to tell them how they
feel about the change.
Besides, you signed up for shop class.
I know Jesus, and you are no carpenter.
You want out?
I can make that happen.
I'm in.
I'm passionate on the issue. I think
Ah-ah-ah!
You don't know what you think
until I tell you what you think.
You wanna be on TV, Critch?
So very much.
Then you'll say what I want.
You're no debater, Critch.
You're an actor. You need lines.
I will be Jim Henson,
and you will be my Muppet.
Mahna-mahna. Do-do, do-do-do. ♪
This stays between us.
Let's get to work.
♪
SISTER ROSE: Okay
MARK: Nightcap?
POP: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Yeah, good lad.
- Careful, it's hot.
- Ooh, thanks.
Ah, lovely. Oh, bag in, yeah, good.
[SIPS] Mmm!
Look at this damn thing.
"The premier plans to
scrap Newfoundland's
275-year-old denominational
school system."
Jesus.
It's all moving so fast.
275 years is fast?
I mean, they just stopped
saying the Mass in Latin,
and now they're lettin' Protestants in!
Did you ever know any?
Prods? Hmm.
Ah hmm
Y'know, we were taught
to stay clear of 'em.
I mean, they had they
had different churches,
different schools, different
side of the harbour.
They owned the shops,
we worked the docks.
The only time we ever
mixed was to fight.
Why did you fight?
Because they were Protestants!
But are Protestants bad?
No.
We just didn't know
any better, you know?
All that stuff
it really should have stayed
behind in the old country.
Does it really matter what
church people don't go to?
Well, but combining
schools means less schools.
You know, and Term 17
of the Terms of Union with Canada
clearly guarantees the church's
right to administer education.
That's our right.
Our God-given right!
Sweet Jesus.
You're beginning to
sound like Sister Rose.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Busted.
But
you do have an excellent point.
Thank you.
For ending it!
You know, that nun,
she's brainwashed you!
It's time she taught you
to think for yourself.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Oh, I could think for myself;
I just couldn't say what I thought.
So what?
I wanted to be a TV actor.
And what is acting
if not creative lying?
♪
[GASPS EXCITEDLY]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Woo!
[UPBEAT TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
[POT LID RATTLING]
Ooh!
You get back in your little
hot tub there, sweetie!
Mary, Mark's on the TV tonight.
We should have supper
in the Good God!
I know! Lobster! Isn't it great?
[GIGGLES]
POP: What? Oh, disgusting!
You know, in my day,
the family that ate the
lobster were the poor ones!
The rich crowd, they could
afford to buy canned goods.
Bottom feeders!
Beady little eyes.
Times have changed, Pop.
Lobster's classy now.
It's chic.
We can't afford lobster, Mary!
That's the thing! These
were free from work.
Now that there's no more cod,
the tourism department
is pushing lobster.
There's even gonna be
a Great Lobster Boil
on the waterfront, just like the song!
The Great Lobster Boil!
[GIGGLES]
But
shouldn't they all
be in the one big pot?
Lobster! And here I thought I
wasn't paying ya enough, Mike.
Mr. Bartlett!
Uh, what are you doing here, sir?
Well, it's still my place.
I guess I can look
around my own property.
The landlord? Oh, good!
'Cause there's plenty around
here that needs fixing.
This place is a dump!
MARY: Mr. Bartlett,
would you care to stay for supper?
We're having lobster, don't you know?
- Love to.
- Rats of the sea.
♪
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
It was like West Side Story,
but with less knives
and more crucifixes.
You must be from Holy Heart.
What makes you say that?
Just 'cause she's a nun?
That's exactly the anti-Catholic
prejudice we are here to expose.
But you are from Holy Heart?
Uh, yes, we are.
Excellent.
What the hell was that?
What?
[SIGHS]
As we practiced, Critch.
Remember, you are an empty vessel.
Like a silver chalice ready to be filled
with the blood of Christ.
CREW: Places!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I felt like a 1960s doctor
about to do a cigarette commercial.
CREW: Quiet on the set, please!
MARK: Okay
Yes, it's a it's a nice
home you have here, Mike.
Or I should say, "I have."
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
POP: You should see
the linoleum over there.
Peeling like a sunburn.
And don't get me started on the windows.
You could dry your hair with the wind
that blows through this place.
- Pop
- And the front step?
[CHUCKLES]
One false move you're in the street.
You'll have a lawsuit on your hands.
Lawsuit.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Mary?
Mary!
Dinner is served!
[STATELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
In case you have trouble with
the shells, don't you know?
♪
You can use it later
to fix the curtain rod.
I have no idea how to eat this
as I have never had
lobster before in my life.
We usually only have a
few dirty old potatoes.
MARY: Mike!
- [CLINKING SOUNDS]
- I believe my lobster's moving.
[LOUD THUD]
Bon appetit!
Hey, you guys are eating without me?
Ooh! Lobster!
He lives here too?
Yeah, but I'm in the,
uh, basement apartment.
Ah apartment?
What, am I housing the entire station?
Well, I am lookin'
for a place of my own.
So, you won't need all this room?
Mark is on the TV tonight.
Should be starting soon.
Why don't we go watch
in the living room?
CREW: In 3, 2, 1
[THEME MUSIC]
Tonight, we speak to
our province's youth
about the denominational school system.
What do they think?
We're joined by Catholic
and Protestant students.
New TV, Mike?
Why, yes, it is.
Only 'cause Mark broke the old one.
In Newfoundland, there
are Catholic, Anglican,
United, Presbyterian, Salvation Army,
and Seventh-day Adventist
schools in some districts.
A public school system
would have just one.
How do you feel about that?
I think it'd be good.
There'd be more money for stuff
like sports and music programs.
CARA: I'm actually United.
My mom had to fight hard
to get me transferred to Holy Heart,
and I live next door.
Taxpayers' money shouldn't
be used to split kids up.
This is religious persecution!
Catholics are just
37% of the population.
We're a minority.
Can you imagine if the
other provinces voted
that Quebecers can no
longer speak French?
The Pope has lots of money.
They should sell a few
statues in the Vatican
if they want their own schools.
Yeah.
I read that if they combine schools,
it saves $30 million a year.
That's a lot of books.
Um
I'm thinking of one
book they wouldn't buy.
It's my favourite book.
It's got it all.
War romance
zombies.
It's, uh, a little book called, uh
the Bible.
Maybe, uh maybe you've heard of it.
Your little fella's some religious.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
MARY: He's graduating
high school this year,
don't you know?
Oh, another empty bed!
Oh, no, no, Mark's an actor.
He's never leavin' home.
POP: What are you, hm?
You're not Catholic, right?
Anglican? United!
No, no, I'm Pentecostal.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
I'm surprised they even
let you watch the TV at all!
MARY: Pop! Don't be an arsehole!
We have company!
No, no, Mary, it's fine. I'm
used to all the questions.
I tithe 10% right off the top.
Goes straight to the church.
But, Mike, this is why I drive
myself so hard in business.
You can't be generous
unless you've got it to give.
"Render to Caesar the
things that are Caesar's,
and to God the things
that are God's."
Mark 12:17.
Give me a break! You
think nuns are saints?
They made my brother
write with his left hand
tied behind his back.
And they told me my mom would
burn in hell for divorcing Dad.
What's that got to do with math?
And now they're making
you be their suck hole!
I assure you, I have sucked no holes.
Oh, and, uh, we have a
caller! Go ahead. Line 1?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Saved by the bell!
SISTER ROSE:
[IN FAKE VOICE] Hello.
I have to say I agree
with the young boy.
I am a youth me'self and I
think religion is totally cool.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The show
was going off the rails so fast
it was almost ready for daytime TV.
Welcome back.
If you've just joined us,
we've been talkin' to two groups
on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
Protestants who believe that
Jesus was the Son of God
and Catholics who believe
that Jesus was the Son of God,
but with a Pope.
I have a question for
the red-headed hussy.
What'd you call me?
Why do you think you're "all that"?
Because ya ain't!
Come up here and say that!
Bring it!
[DRAMATIC TV TALK SHOW
CONFRONTATION MUSIC]
- [LOUD THUD]
- [AUDIENCE YELLING]
[SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]
Now it's time for my final thought.
As different as they
are, they are both wrong.
You can't learn your lesson
if you don't learn to listen.
And the best place for
that is a school of thought.
Until next time, take
care of yourselves.
And each Oh!
HOST: Mark? Anything you'd like to add?
Uh
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
Just, uh, to remember
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
Even though you vote behind a curtain
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
♪
God is watching.
Give me a break!
You don't even go to church anymore!
MARK: [TV] That's not the point!
FOX: [TV] Oh, then what is
the point? Do you even
[TV SWITCHES OFF]
MIKE: [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Kids!
Well, thank you for the meal, Mary!
It was
enlightening.
Hey, don't forget the toilet!
You have to jiggle it!
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Uh
Uh, Mr. Bartlett, uh, sir, I, uh
[SIGHS]
You have a nice family,
Mike, and a good home.
Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
But this? We can't go
on like this forever.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[EXHALES]
Well, I think this evening
went just about perfectly.
Hm?
Come on.
Mark's show's comin' back on.
["COMMUNITY CHAT"
THEME MUSIC ON TV]
HOST: [TV] This is the
referendum question.
"Do you support a single school
system where all children,
regardless of their religion,
attend the same schools?"
If you could, how would you vote?
Can I get a show of hands? Yes?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
♪
HOST: Mark
you seem to have had a change of heart.
Uh, I I guess.
Well, the Protestant kids
I live closer to
their school than mine.
If I'da gone there [CHUCKLES]
I coulda slept an extra
20 minutes every morning,
maybe even had breakfast.
We've always been taught
to stay away from them
but hearing these kids today,
they're no different than us.
Someone once told me that this stuff
should have stayed in the old country.
If we stopped dividing everything
buses, sports teams, dances, kids
we wouldn't just have
more resources, we'd
we'd have more friends.
I dunno, it just seems
silly, doesn't it?
And I feel comfortable saying that,
'cause my teachers
they taught me to think for myself.
[SIGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Times change.
The things you once
thought were immovable
have a way of shifting overnight.
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
MR. BARTLETT: [INDISTINCT] Gertie
Look at this, Gertie, my dear.
This is the future, Gertie!
Out with the old
Sorry, Mike.
In with the new!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes
change happens too fast.
You don't have to embrace it,
but eventually you do have to accept it.
Some people think that if they
just keep their heads down
long enough, maybe
time would pass them by.
But change has a way
of creeping up on you.
♪