Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e04 Episode Script

1
Duck, duck, duck
Listen, I know it's a lot to commit to,
Barb, but seriously, you're missing out.
Melissa,
I cannot possibly watch 500 episodes
of a British reality show,
even if it does deal
with my favorite emotion, love,
on my favorite landform, an island.
Duck, duck, goose is the perfect game.
Yeah, first of all,
contained to a small area.
- Only one kid talks every round.
- Yeah.
And then they tire themselves out
running around in a
circle two at a time.
Plus we can watch them
and catch up at the same time.
- Yeah, perfect game.
- Perfect.
Ladies, can we please stop leaving
our windows open.
There's a bird in the hallway.
We are in the gym.
I think that's a hallway problem.
Duck, duck, duck
- Can you please just pick one?
- Duck Bird!
- [STUDENTS SCREAMING]
- [CROW CAWS]
[MELISSA] It's okay. It's okay.
[JACOB] What the hell?
And now it is a kitchen problem.
And then every once in a while,
the hottest piece
you have ever seen
in your life enters the villa.
These are called bombshells.
This is Callum.
Hang on. Hang on.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SONG STOPS]
- My water broke.
- I told y'all she's pregnant.
No. Okay, let me clarify,
the water in my apartment is not working.
Something about the pipes.
[SIGHS] Game night's canceled.
Not so fast, milady. I can host.
- No, you can't.
- No, I can't.
What did we talk about?
Go stand up for yourself.
Melissa, I can do what I want in my room.
- It's my room.
- It's her room.
Damn it. Oh, God, this sucks.
I was really looking forward
to hanging out with Elijah.
[SMACKS LIPS] It's a classic love story.
Boy sees ex at karaoke bar.
Boy meets new boy.
Boy brings that boy to game night.
[CHUCKLES] Somebody write
the movie already. [CHUCKLES]
You know what? I'll host.
But you said you don't believe in
friendship in the home.
I know, but I'm a little bit more
open now, and Janine has said that
my apartment should be
in Architectural Digest.
Yes, my second favorite magazine to read
at the dentist's
office after Highlights.
I've decided to be excited.
Additionally,
I have decided this is going to be great.
Whoo. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, so Gregory's home is very
Architectural Digest
in that there are several bowls of limes
and it looks like
maybe no one's ever lived there.
[INHALES] And the furniture,
it's very firm.
Oh, I think we can all survive
some firm-iture.
[CHUCKLES] It's not just the furniture,
you know, it's just not that cozy.
And I never said anything because
how do you tell someone that
- when you first start dating?
- No, you don't.
- You ignore it and hope it'll go away.
- Exactly.
But now it's too late to say anything.
Well, it's a big deal
that he invited people over.
You don't want to scare him out of it.
Right. And I won't. I won't.
I'll just make a few
light suggestions, right?
Some here and theres, bits and
bobs [CHUCKLES] pots and pans
'cause he doesn't have any. [CHUCKLES]
Well, just be gentle.
You know he is so babygirl.
[WHISPERS] Yes.
[GROANS] Rain next week.
- Glad I won't be here.
- Where do you think you're going?
Nobody told me trash
was taking a week off.
I'm going to New Orleans tomorrow,
as I've told you several times.
What I wouldn't give for
a vacation in New Orleans.
Beignet in one hand,
Irish coffee in the other.
By the way, only
thing the Irish ever got
right besides red
hair and Colin Farrell.
- What about your brother Seamus?
- Meh.
My first vacation in 30 years.
I made sure to secure a middle seat.
Two different shoulders to nap on.
Well, do you have a REAL ID?
You have to have one to fly now.
Of course my ID is real.
I look like
a 16-year-old trying to buy a BuzzBall?
No, they're talking about
these fancy new IDs
that you have to go down
to the DMV and get them.
Oh, man, it's always something.
I'll go down there after work.
I'll call my pickleball league,
tell them I can't make it.
Well, Gerald and I are traveling
for the holidays,
and I've been putting off getting mine,
so why don't we go down to the DMV
together and just get it out the way.
Yeah, I might as well do it too.
I mean, misery now or misery later, right?
I'll go too.
I'm looking scrumptious today,
and my ID is expiring soon,
so time for a new pic.
- I'll drive.
- [MELISSA] Dibs.
- Shotgun!
- Dibs on shotgun. Amateurs. [CHUCKLES]
[GREGORY] All right, you guys,
have a good day.
Um, Gregory. Hi.
Uh, Jacob wanted to know what to bring.
[SMACKS LIPS] Um, I told him
he could bring cups. He said cake.
We settled on cupcake, but I just
wanted to double-check with you.
Um, he doesn't need to bring anything.
I got it covered.
I'm sending out
a Google form to everyone now.
Oh, fun. Everybody loves
a pre-party form. [CHUCKLES]
[INHALES] Maybe I can come by
a little bit earlier and help set up.
No need. I'm going to the store after
work and the apartment's already clean.
- I got this.
- Oh, no, I know.
Just hosting can be really overwhelming.
Just wanna make sure
you don't overlook anything.
Oh, I won't. According to my calculations,
I have three extra minutes
for silent contemplation of game strategy.
All right. Maybe I'll bring
a couple of throw pillows. Or a candle.
[GRUNTS] I feel like if I need it,
it's in my checklist.
You know, I'm actually really surprised
I've never hosted before.
It's so many logistics.
- Loving it.
- I love chips.
- Chips are so good.
- Yeah. I know.
You think you're gonna have
any chips at the party?
- Come on now.
- Okay.
What kind of party would it be
without chickpea chips.
Chickpea what?
You know there's
three grams of protein per serving?
- No, I didn't know that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
- Mm-hmm.
Love to learn.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] B10.
[CACKLES] Read it and weep, suckers.
I'm B12. They're already at B10.
Mr. Johnson, are you sure that you
have all of the proper documentation?
Yeah, 'cause one of those folders
is just signed headshots.
I got everything I
could ever need to prove I am
who the American government thinks I am.
I, for one, I'm very proud of you
for taking this vacation.
It's very easy for us older folks
to get wrapped up in the work
that we forget to make time for ourselves.
And you need the rest.
Thank you, but I won't be resting.
I will be tearing it up.
Ah. I hate it when he tries
to sound like the kids.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] B15.
- Oh. That's me.
- What the helly?
[MR. JOHNSON CHUCKLES]
Hello, I'm Mr. Johnson.
- You got a first name, Mr. Johnson?
- It's
Never mind. I see it,
but this isn't gonna work.
You filled this out with blue ink.
- Please fill it out again with black ink.
- Lady, I got arthritis.
I don't know how many forms
I got left in me.
Did the arthritis keep you
from following the instructions?
- Next.
- So rude.
- What is this, the post office?
- You watch your mouth.
Welcome to Gregory's goofy game night.
[JANINE CHUCKLES] Aw.
I-I actually have
my party shirt on already.
It's it looks black,
but it's actually really dark blue.
Oh, I see.
Oh.
I should have come early.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Yeah, it's okay.
We still have enough time
to get things ready.
What do you mean? It is ready.
- I-I have the three S's.
- Oh.
- Seating, snacks and sounds.
- Ah.
These are binaural beats
for concentration.
- Oh. Okay. It's great.
- Yeah.
[SMACKS LIPS]
Do you think there are enough seats for
everyone? 'Cause it's just the couple
Uh. Yeah. We have
The other chair rolled away.
Oh.
- [JANINE] Ah.
- [GREGORY CHUCKLES] Skrrt.
- Crossover.
- Mm-hmm.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Oh.
Uh, can you make sure
the other chair doesn't roll away?
- The ball?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just put a hand on it.
- Okay. Yeah.
[GREGORY] Okay, well.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Erika.
- Hey, Gregory.
- [JANINE] Hey, girl.
- [GREGORY] Hey.
- So this is your place.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So, um, sterile.
- Mmm.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Almost like a facility.
- Thank you.
- Uh, can I get you anything to drink?
- Oh, I would love one.
- Filtered or bottled?
- Filtered alcohol?
- Oh. You're funny. You're really funny.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]
[GREGORY] People tell you you're funny
all the time, don't they?
Look, since you don't have a preference,
I will bring you both
filtered and bottled
because that's the kind of host I am.
- Great host.
- But keep the jokes coming.
Yes, I'm looking at you
for the funny tonight.
- [ERIKA CHUCKLES]
- She's hilarious. [CHUCKLES]
Girl, what the hell is going on?
This is Gregory's first time hosting.
I don't want to discourage him.
Please be nice.
So don't tell him his apartment is
the physical embodiment
of Edvard Munch's The Scream?
What? A bitch can't like art?
No, you can.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] B11.
[GASPS] Ooh. I gotta be next.
Are you looking at mug shots
for inspiration?
Well, they use the same camera
and lighting setup here as they do
when you get booked, so mug shots
are the perfect reference photos.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] G26.
Finished. I'm gonna turn
the Big Easy into the big sneezy.
Wait, how how are you next?
It's supposed to be me.
You people on some kind of bingo system?
Pretty privilege. [CHUCKLES]
Finished, in black ink.
- You want a cookie?
- I'll take two.
Paper looks good and I see
your document from list A,
but where's something from list B?
Only brought documents from list A.
You need one document
from list A and list B,
or one document from list C. It's and/or.
I haven't seen Andor. It's a Rogue One.
So you're unprepared and uncultured.
If you can't produce that document,
we won't be able
to get you your REAL ID today.
Next.
Looks like the only jazz
I'll be singing is the blues.
[CHUCKLES] That was pretty good.
[SMACKS LIPS] This is
administrative injustice.
- It's all right, ladies.
- Oh, it is not all right.
You know they can't close until the
last person leaves, and we are staying.
Well, I'm not really invested,
but Barb's my ride, so
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] M44.
Oh, that's me.
You are getting on that plane,
Mr. Johnson,
or my name isn't Barbara Howard.
I ought to run for office.
She got my two votes.
Hello.
[SIGHS] You know, while I have you here,
I'd like to talk to you
about my friend, Mr. Johnson.
That man, he needs a break.
Ma'am, you're gonna need to take
the written exam.
- Line's over there.
- Excuse me?
Your license expired two years ago.
Excuse me.
Are you holding car keys right now?
Did you drive here?
[SMACKS LIPS] Excuse me?
Oh, you can't hear me?
I'm gonna put you down
for a hearing test as well.
[SIGHS] Oh, where did you get
this firm couch, Gregory?
I got it from this
place in Baltimore, but
when I first got it,
it was way too soft,
so I just went in there and removed
some of the unnecessary filling.
- It's firm.
- So you unupholstered it?
I don't wanna make it sound fancier
than it was, but, yeah, I guess I did.
Well, I'll tell you what,
I am having a blast.
Okay, well, uh, maybe now is a good time.
I saw this thing online.
They said it was really good for parties.
Jacob and Elijah, I feel like you guys
are really gonna love this.
I wasn't sure if it would be ready in
time, but I just checked and it's, uh
- It's smelling pretty ripe.
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
- [WHISPERS] Did he just say ripe or right?
- [WHISPERS] I don't know.
And, Erika, you're gonna love this, okay?
It's got alcohol in it.
Ooh, thank God. [CHUCKLES]
- It's homemade kombucha.
- [BLEEP]
Right? So who wants some?
- I do.
- [GREGORY] Okay.
I'm low-key kind of offended
by that question 'cause
of course I want some.
- [JANINE LAUGHS]
- Where is the kombucha?
- Come on, now. This is my guy.
- Yeah!
[WHISPERS] Jacob, thank you so much
for filling him in
- on the whole being chill thing.
- Oh, I didn't say anything.
His social and emotional IQ
is through the roof.
- Oh.
- Either that or he's way weirder
than I thought.
Should I just bring a pitcher out? Yeah?
- Yeah, babe, bring a pitcher out.
- Right. For everybody?
- You want some? I'ma get you some.
- Bring it out. Yes! [CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
[GREGORY] Now, who is that?
- Gregory!
- Simon.
Didn't match my energy,
but, yeah, it's me.
That's because you didn't fill out
the attendance form.
- That's okay.
- [SIMON] There's my queen. [CHUCKLES]
Be nice.
We're trying to pretend
like this is all normal and good.
Okay, great,
and you guys can read Simon the rules.
- Yeah? That'll be fun.
- Yeah, definitely.
Unless you've already played Soil Erosion.
Is that on Xbox?
- You are hilarious.
- I told you.
- The two of y'all are Right?
- I told you.
[GREGORY] You're so funny.
I see why this works.
"At a crosswalk, you must:
A, increase your speed."
Yep, that's it. First one's always "A."
I don't know about you two,
but I am not getting back into Barb's car.
She just said you should
speed up at the crosswalk.
It's only a problem
if you're in a crosswalk.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] 12B.
Oh, that's me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't
know where you think
you're going, buddy.
No, no, no, I'm 12B.
You're B12, like the vitamin.
- This place hates Italians.
- I'm Italian.
This place hates women.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] 12C.
- Oh. Sorry, Mellie Mel, that's me.
- Sell me your ticket.
No. I've always wanted a mug shot,
but they will never catch your girl,
so [CHUCKLES]
this is the next best thing.
Don't you worry, Mr. J.
I will talk to them
and get you on that flight to New England.
- New Orleans.
- Wherever.
They won't say no to me.
This face card never declines.
"If you see livestock on the road,
you should"
Now why in the world
would I be driving on a farm?
Thanks for making room for me, Gregory.
Now I get to sit next to E baby
on this, uh, weight bench.
[ERIKA CHUCKLES]
Hey, as a heads-up,
bathroom's out of paper towels.
Well, there's always
the environmentally conscious move
of putting out a hand towel.
Multiple sets of hands
on one towel is crazy,
but I can't believe
I ran out of paper towels.
Um. You know what? It's okay.
Just go ahead and, uh,
wipe your hands on my shirt.
It's terry cloth. It's fine.
- Oh, I don't wanna do that.
- Do it.
So, you're just gonna be a hand towel?
What's up, Jeff?
While I'm here, I wanted to talk to you
about an employee of mine.
That is not a sentient bowling ball.
That is Mr. Johnson, and he has
a flight to catch tomorrow
and the only thing stopping him
from a much needed vacation
in New Hampshire is a REAL ID.
So if you could just help me
You didn't just take a picture
without a countdown.
- Next.
- [AVA] No.
Go ahead and delete that one
'cause we're gonna do it again.
Three
You didn't even get to two!
I've got a long line, ma'am.
And it's gonna get longer if you
don't "three, two, one" another picture.
Hey, yo, stop playing with me. What the
Okay. "While you were asleep, a rogue
farmer snuck in and tilled your fields.
Go back three spaces." Damn it.
[VOICE ACTOR] Are you tired
of seeing crack
just because you want your water back?
At Gentleman's Plumbing,
all of our plumbers wear belts,
and that's a guarantee.
- It's free if there's ads.
- I mean, money ain't gonna save itself.
Yeah, and you know,
a lot of the times I think
that the ads are better
than the music. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, I know.
When I get up there, I'm gonna handle it,
okay? I promise. [CHUCKLES]
[INHALES] I try not to be that
kind of Karen white woman,
but every once in a while, the universe
just [GRUNTS] forces my hand.
[ANNOUNCER OVER PA] Now calling
circle four dot.
What the "Circle four dot"?
What in the Fred Flintstone [BLEEP]
is that? It's not a number.
- I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.
- That works for me.
- [MACHINE BLARES]
- Oh, what a wicked machine.
Come on, man. Just take another picture.
You think my man can't hack
this little system?
- That would be a federal offense.
- So? He's a member of Anonymous,
but he's so fine they won't even
let him wear a mask.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
Oh, you think I can't jump over
this counter?
Y'all said you could help me
get to New Orleans,
- but you're just a bunch of jambalayas.
- [MELISSA EXHALES]
Damn [CHUCKLES] I'm on fire.
- Oh. You got jokes.
- Gotta have jokes in here. [BLEEP]
I think I'm gonna use
my soil coins to buy another cow.
As Doja Cat once said, "Mooo!"
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Oh. What was that?
- Uh. It's my air quality monitor.
Yeah, the CO2 levels are a little high.
I think the addition of Simon
increased the concentration levels.
Oh, no. Why don't you tell your man
to stop breathing so hard.
Why don't you tell your man
to get a damn grip.
- It's all right. I'll just open a window.
- It's October.
Yeah, it's already 60 degrees in here.
If we're anti-window,
I can get everybody masks.
- Just open the [BLEEP] window.
- [GREGORY] Okay.
Big money, big money, big money!
[CHUCKLES] Hey, this is fun, right?
- [GREGORY] Oh.
- [JACOB SCREAMS]
[SIMON] Oh, my God! What?
[JACOB] Oh. Not again!
Let me take out my Merlin app.
Oh. Rock pigeon.
You didn't know that's a pigeon?
Okay, I got a game we can play.
Two truths and a lie.
[INHALES] Kombucha is not real alcohol,
it's too damn cold in here,
and this party sucks.
Erika.
That's too many truths.
She has to start over now.
Does my party suck?
[INHALES] No. No.
Big money, big money, big money.
- [JANINE SCREAMS]
- [GREGORY GRUNTS]
Why didn't you tell me
you didn't think I should host?
You said I should have gone back-to-back
in the Apartment of the Year Awards.
I know, and that doesn't even exist. It
just You seemed so excited to do it.
I'm not a kid. You can be honest with me.
I want you to be comfortable here.
I-I am comfortable here. [INHALES]
It's just I do think that you could
use real chairs and consider a pillow.
And I think Jacob was onto something
with that hand towel thing.
I just wish that I would just let you help
from the beginning.
If I just listened to you,
maybe people would actually have fun.
Well, it's okay because I listen to me.
I'm looking forward to
finding out what that means.
Come with me.
Oh, my God. Um, okay, it is a fun party.
- Uh. Oh.
- Jesus.
Hey, guys.
- I wish you had more rooms.
- Enjoy.
- [ANNOUNCER OVER PA] B12.
- That's me!
Okay, okay. I'm coming, I'm coming.
Well, this was a bust.
Can't believe I let y'all talk me
into wasting my time like this.
Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry you're not
gonna be able to take your vacation.
It's okay. I've gone 30 years without one.
What's another 30?
[CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS]
Ticket, please.
Oh. Yes, yes, I had it in my pocket.
Sorry, but without a ticket,
I can't help you.
No, no, no, I'm B12.
Please, please, you have to believe me.
My mind is fractured. My soul is broken.
Darkness reigns supreme.
Welcome to the DMV.
[GRUNTS]
Come on. It was Oh, it's right there.
Okay. No. No!
Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
I'm going to need you to please
empty out that vacuum cleaner.
No can do. That's trash.
- Mr. Ronson.
- Mr. Johnson.
How you doing, man? [CHUCKLES]
You left the school district
and took your talents to the DMV?
You know, it's a pretty good gig aside
from all the red tape
I have to vacuum up.
- [MR. JOHNSON CHUCKLES]
- You two know each other.
I owe everything to this man
standing right here.
When he found me, I was in a dark place.
He sure was.
Cleaning up the basement of a Sears.
So what brings you to my sweeping ground?
Supposed to go on
a little getaway tomorrow.
It'd be my first in 30 years,
but they won't give me my REAL ID
'cause I need some document.
Mr. Ronson, might it be possible for you
to, uh, talk
with your coworker over there?
Okay.
Hey, Tammy, what do you say
- you'd help an old pal of mine out?
- No.
Well, that settles it.
Let's get out of here.
Okay. How about I tell everyone
it was you that clogged the toilet.
Ooh. Damn, girl.
- You wouldn't.
- Try me.
Oh. Looks like you've been approved
for a REAL ID.
So, sir, if you just head over there,
Jeff will take your photo. Okay?
[GASPS] Wow, you're going
to Newfoundland after all.
Tammy, might it be possible for you to
look the other way on my written exam?
- I'm predisposed to failing.
- No.
You're gonna need to retake that.
- You're driving, Melissa.
- [MELISSA SCOFFS]
- Some people, right? So
- No.
I will see you in hell.
I'm already there.
Add Britney, add Gaga, add Beyoncé.
Okay. Okay, could you slow down?
Oh.
Oh, Björk.
I'm finally starting to feel
my fingers again.
How'd you get this
into the car by yourself?
Oh. I didn't. I asked a stranger for help.
Oh. I don't like that at all.
There you go.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
- Ladies first.
- Jacob, I like this one.
And I do too.
Hi, I'm your new best
friend [CHUCKLES]
and we have to be
locked in for life now.
It's an honor,
but don't shake unless you're ready.
Hey, did you bring any better games?
Uh, no. I didn't because I think
you brought the perfect one.
- Great.
- Yeah.
You think I should fire up
some bison burgers on the Foreman?
I don't think that you should.
I think maybe we should order
some pizzas for everyone.
- Oh, someone said pizza.
- I said pizza.
- See how it
- Yeah, sure.
- It's a crowd-pleaser, right?
- I guess. Yeah.
- Thank you for asking my advice.
- Mm-hmm.
You just got a little something on here.
Three, two, one
Oh. Now he can count.
Oh, that's stunning.
[MELISSA] Well, at least one of us
got what we came for.
Mr. Johnson,
you better have the best vacation ever.
Oh, I intend to. Now that I have a REAL
ID and a passport, the world is my clam.
- [AVA, MELISSA] What?
- I'm allergic to oysters.
- Wait, you have a passport?
- Yeah.
You silly son of a bitch.
Mr. Johnson,
you could have just used your passport.
You call yourselves educators?
New Orleans is in the country.
You know, after the initial hiccups,
it feels like tonight was a success.
I agree. Can't wait to do it again.
Yeah, but maybe next time at your place.
Yeah.
- Maybe we can host together.
- Okay.
[SUCKS TEETH] Oh,
I almost forgot the pillows.
- [SIGHS]
- Um.
Actually, maybe you leave those,
if that's okay with you?
- Really?
- Yeah.
[WHIMPERS, CLICKS TONGUE]
- Oh.
- But definitely not that one.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's more my place.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
News flash. You know those big
yellow humps in the middle of the road?
You mean speed bumps?
Turns out
you're supposed to slow down for them.
Who knew?
- Um, y'all not too old to get fired.
- What?
Get to class before this becomes
a former teacher's lounge.
- [BELL RINGS]
- [MELISSA] Oh.
- Let's go.
- [BARBARA] Hang on.
A Philadelphia man
stunned New Orleans
today when he
wrestled seven alligators
in under ten minutes,
breaking his own record from 30 years ago.
They're calling him
the Bayou Bruiser, and
- [CROW CAWS]
- [SCREAMS]
Okay, there is a a bird in the studio.
We have to go to break.