Animal Control (2023) s05e04 Episode Script

1
Okay, Tim, the tortoise
is officially 100 years old!
All his friends are dead.
[ALL SINGING] Happy birthday to you. ♪
Birthday boy's a little shy.
[ALL SINGING] Happy birthday to you. ♪
I wouldn't come out
for a lettuce cake either.
[ALL SINGING] Happy birthday, dear Tim. ♪
Happy birthday to ♪
Tim?
[PATEL] Tim?
[CROWD MURMURING]
Well, I'm gonna call it.
Time of death
mid-afternoon.
[CROWD GROANS]
Here lies Tim.
- He was a noble tortoise.
- Yeah.
He liked lettuce and
looked like a rock, and
I got nothing. Did anyone know
Tim particularly well?
I could do a poem or something.
- He lives!
- Hey!
[CROWD CHEERS]
- [PATEL] Classic!
- A roller coaster of emotion!
[ALL SINGING] And many more!
Not that many more, probably.
[VOCALIZING] ♪
sync & corrections awaqeded
Hey, quick question for the group.
Can anyone think of a time
when I treated Shred differently
than anybody else in the office?
Uh, maybe the millions of times
that you put your tongue in
his mouth in the storage closet?
No, I'm-I'm talking more
unethical conduct, like
raises, promotions, time off.
I find baby talk unethical.
Oh! Fwankie's cwanky.
I only ask because in a couple
of days, our HR rep, Rhonda,
is going to interview us
to make sure I didn't show Shred
any preferential treatment.
You seem pretty casual,
considering this HR lady
decides whether or not
to fire your ass.
Actually, Bettany's been teaching me
a neat way to stay calm.
Octagon breathing, it's twice
as effective as box breathing.
You take a breath with
each side of the octagon
as you trace its shape.
[BOTH INHALING AND EXHALING]
It works because my body
thinks it's sprinting to safety.
You are not safe at all.
When I was on the force
[GROANING]
Ah it's relevant.
When I was on the force,
the guys in my unit took bribes.
I wouldn't do it because I have
a little something called
a moral compass. So, they accused me
of making false accusations and
I was not adequately prepared.
[GROANING]
Wow, that's very interesting,
Frank. What happened next?
I got fired! And sentenced to a life
of driving around with you, numb nuts.
Sometimes it's hard
to have your back, dude.
I feel pretty ready, I mean,
I scheduled these interviews
for when Templeton's getting
his CPR certification,
which explains why he had
that lady mannequin.
So, he can't badmouth me.
I mean, what else can I do?
You need to wake up and
realize this is life and death.
We need to treat this as trial prep.
Figure out how to answer
anything the HR rep will ask.
I'm talking mock interviews,
coaching witnesses,
and as the only one who
has actually been through
this process, I nominate myself
as mock interrogator
and I humbly accept.
Okay. Yeah, I'll try it.
I just hope this isn't
a Frank power trip thing.
[FRANK] Of course not.
But I will be taking over
the multipurpose room,
so notify the dogs
their vaccinations will be
taking place another day.
Why do you look like you're
going Christmas caroling?
Maya's friend Isha gave it to me.
She started this closet
organizing business.
So, Maya hired her to come by
the house and declutter
while they're outta town.
She noticed I don't have
a white cable knit sweater.
And voilà!
Hmm. It really draws a lot
of attention to your face.
Thank you
Oh
That looks great on you.
Say hello to my little sweater!
It's Pacino from
a YouTube compilation.
[LAUGHING] I can't. Stop!
You liked that?
I know we've had a lot of fun
looking at shoe organizers,
- Mm-hm.
- but it's time to make a decision.
- Oh, boy.
- The Wesley or the Tommen?
Tommen. It's not even close.
I knew it. We are simpatico!
Isn't Amit the best?
- Him?
- Hoo-ahh!
- Oh!
- Serpico.
[LAUGHING] I can't with you!
If you're robbing the precinct,
you're being way too obvious about it.
I'm setting up
my interrogation station.
I need to familiarize myself
with all the ammo
the HR rep might use against us.
Okay, just be careful,
'cause I file everything
with a very meticulous
All right.
- I got it.
- Never mind.
Can you get that box?
Doesn't it stress you out
that Frank's gonna rifle
through your stuff?
Oh, not really, it's mostly
just boring paperwork and stuff.
Except the bottom drawer
is my personal things,
but it's really just my neck pillow.
And theTwilight
fan fiction book you wrote.
I beg your pardon?
Why would you put Blood Moonin there?
I gave that to you in confidence.
I took it home, um,
but it's very dense,
um, so I brought it back
to finish it on my lunch breaks.
And I'm going to,
but it's-it's very, um long.
I don't think you understand.
If Frank finds that,
he has 300 pages of werewolf
erotica to make fun of me with.
Feels longer.
All right, listen up, everyone.
Despite the name,
a mock interview
is nothing to laugh at.
When I call you,
come to the multipurpose room
having emptied your bladders
and steeled your nerves.
Shred, you're first up.
I'm full of the truth,
so squeeze me like a lemon, brother.
It's 11:14 AM.
The weather is fair,
but a storm is coming.
This is Frank Shaw
questioning the first witness.
- What's your name?
- Shred Taylor.
- First day of employment?
- November 1st, 2023.
How long have you been
involved with Emily Price?
Six beautiful months.
You just lied three times.
Your legal name is Fred Taylor.
You started on November 15th
and you've been involved
with Emily since the moment
you laid eyes on that dork.
Well, I think my recall
is pretty good for a guy
that's had eight concussions.
Once you've proven yourself a liar,
they won't believe anything you say.
And next thing you know,
they'll be asking for your gun
and badge and telling your
old man that his kid's a rat.
Do you need a minute, buddy?
No! Don't change the subject.
Now buckle up, because I'm gonna be
as thorough as a lice comb.
At what point were you aware
that Shred and Emily
were in a relationship?
When they got caught
sucking face at the ACOOTYs.
Now, let me ask you a question.
Is there anything funny
about Patel's Pacino impression?
I'm asking the questions.
And let the record show there is not.
According to Emily's
citizen complaint log,
you've been caught without
proper identification
on no less than 17 calls.
[SCOFFS] Okay, I can explain this.
When Maya travels,
she uses my badge to get
through TSA super quick.
That's so blatantly illegal.
I can't believe you disclosed it.
Congrats on being
our most honest witness.
You talkin' to me?
Unfortunately, yes.
And that's a De Niro quote.
Like myself, you uncovered
Shred and Emily's
relationship early on.
- I knew first.
- Wrong.
I knew he like-liked her
since his first day on the job.
I will ask you one more time!
Did you ever witness
Supervisor Emily Price
show preferential
treatment to Officer Taylor?
- No.
- No.
- No
- No.
Great, well, that oughta do it.
Come on, you can buy me lunch.
You know what makes me suspicious?
Nothing being suspicious.
I gotta get into the files. Deep dive.
Wait a s wait.
I think I do remember
a time that Emily
might have favored Shred.
She let him skip cat bath Wednesdays.
Yeah, he hates cat bath Wednesdays.
I mean, we all do,
but he always tries to
wriggle out of it, like the cats.
I think I've got it.
Ooh!
Looks like everyone's prepped
and ready for their interview.
Everybody is.
Except for you.
What are you talking about?
I gotta be honest.
Part of today was about me
playing cop one more time.
But damn it, if I don't still got it.
I found the smoking gun.
It's got your fingerprints
all over it.
[SUCKING IN AIR]
♪
Why do Shred's timecards say
that he arrived at work at 8:30,
when Victoria confirmed
that he didn't get there
till noon that day?
[EMILY] Um
Oh, I
I did fill this in for him,
but only because he was
running an errand for the precinct.
Off site. Totally above board.
Well, what was the errand?
I'd rather not say.
Where was he, Emily?!
Where was your boy toy?!
- Oww!
- Are you okay?
I've been hitting the table a lot.
Just tell me the truth.
Ugh. Fine, fine. Um, he was
picking up, you know,
our softball jerseys.
What?
He was picking up
our softball jerseys, okay?
The precinct hasn't had
a softball team
since we disbanded it two years ago.
No, Frank.
I'm sorry, but we do still
have a team.
A secret one.
Oh, you got a secret softball team
without your star player
who's got the arm
of a Greek god? I don't believe you.
You got real jerseys,
not just T-shirts?
[FRANK] The Silly Billies.
And the pants.
Pants.
[FRANK] You liars!
Liar. Liar. Liar.
- Wait, what?
- What?
I thought we passed.
Frank, I can't go back in there, okay?
I finally just stopped shaking.
I know about the Silly Billies.
[ALL GROAN]
And terrible name, by the way.
It doesn't instill fear at all.
Hey, my son came up with that name!
Hold on, Daisy's on the team?
Sorry, guys, he started asking
lots of questions about
the day Shred picked up
our new jerseys.
- Aw, we got new jerseys?
- Yeah.
I'm the only one
the opposing team insisted on
taking a performance
enhancing drug test.
I'm your best player!
You definitely look like
you should be.
Uh, you know, you're up there
with your little hat
and your big, strong muscles,
but you do this funny thing
when the pressure's on
and it counts the most, you
- What?
- How do I put this?
You're a strikeout machine.
- Yes.
- Name one time.
[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
There was that time
with the fifth graders
when our opponents were no-shows.
She was throwing spitters!
She had Vaseline all over her hat!
You threw a tantrum,
yelled at an 11-year-old girl,
then spent the entire post-game
pizza party bumming us out
with your lame excuses.
You also only eat dry Caesar salad,
which is a different kind of bummer.
So when the game is on the line,
you would rather go with,
oh, I don't know, Emily?
Please. I'm the bunt queen.
But you know
what's really unbelievable?
Is that you're doing this to me.
A survivor.
[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
That is what I am, a survivor.
I survived being kicked off the force
only to suffer the indignity
and humiliation again.
Double survivor.
Watch out, he's gonna storm off.
Storm? Nah.
I am a category five hurricane.
And you are all
low-lying coastal areas.
[PATEL] What's this basket thing?
A hamper.
For your dirty clothes.
I usually just throw
my clothes on the treadmill
and they show up clean.
[LAUGHING]
[ISHA] Stop!
If we're all set here,
I'm going to head to
the Container Store
and get those hangers we chose.
Grab a couple of these hampers.
Oh! [LAUGHS] I might.
Ah I don't get it.
She is laughing at your jokes.
Is she simple or something?
She's got a lot going on. Okay?
Small business owner.
Just left an unhappy marriage.
Ah divorced. That's it.
She's hitting on you.
No!
You think?
No.
Take it from a fellow divorcée.
We are out there on the prowl
trying to get connection
anywhere we can get it.
And I do mean anywhere.
Oh, my God, you're right.
It makes perfect sense.
Since Maya left,
these women have been crawling
out of the woodwork.
I mean, she's the first one,
but they're coming.
Okay, well, you need to shut
this down.
- I know, I'm gonna talk to
- [PHONE PINGS]
[CHUCKLES] That's funny.
- Isha
- Patel!
I know. I'm shutting it down.
[EMILY] Frank?
Have you seen Frank?
He's just totally abandoned
my interview prep.
Uh not sure.
He mumbled something
about needing pine tar.
[GASPS] Yes!
Still got it.
Mm-hmm
Oh, thank God. Aaah!
And
- Volume two.
- Yay
Wait, why are you so obsessed
with Frank finding your book?
I mean, he only reads
male authors anyway.
Well, there's this character
called Shadowkeep.
Oh, the man-cougar
who's in every sex scene?
- Spicy stuff, by the way.
- Thank you.
There's a chance that
Frank might think
Shadowkeep is based on him.
Really? I guess that makes sense.
He is the ripped village elder
with a well-groomed mane.
Wait, did you base him on Frank?
No! Of course not. Ew.
That's good, 'cause you go into
detail describing his loins.
Yeah, but you know what Frank's like.
He's an egomaniac, he will make
everything about himself.
[FRANK] Attention!
It is time to restore
my reputation as a man
and an athlete.
Seriously?
Well, look, I'm sorry
about the softball team,
but I have an investigation
you promised to help me with.
- Three pitches.
- What?
Three pitches in the parking lot,
and I guarantee at least one
of them will be a home run.
If I succeed, I'll be reinstated
back onto the Silly Billies.
I could get fired.
Everyone! To the parking lot!
Uh no.
What about my investigation?
We have to prep, Frank.
Somebody call 911
'cause Frank's about to choke.
Yeah, keep chirpin'. I live for this.
Strike one. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to see one.
Then why you swing at it?
Shut up!
Am I interrupting work stuff?
I can just leave these on your desk.
Sure. Actually
do you have a second?
I need to talk to you about something.
Ah, I know I went over budget
with the wood hangers,
but a classic man
deserves a classic setup.
Let me convince you over dinner.
I don't think so.
Korean barbecue?
You told me Maya doesn't like it.
She says I'm too impatient
to fully cook the meats.
I'll pick you up here at 6:00.
I I don't know.
My treat.
For my best client.
You're really twisting my arm.
Okay, fine. I'll do it.
Great.
I'm calling it. Smoothie shop rooftop.
You're making this harder
than it needs to be, man.
Bring it.
You're calm and you're safe.
- Strike two.
- [FRANK] Oh!
So now we're counting
foul balls as strikes?
Yeah. We're playing by the rules
that were established
180 years ago.
Zip it, Cannon!
Are you freaking joshing me, Frank?
I mean, not only do you
abandon me when I needed you,
but then you almost decapitate us?
I just had her centered
in a cool, cool seat.
I'm glad you're all here.
I want as many eyes
on this as possible.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
Can I actually
can I take a look at your hat?
- [EMILY GRUMBLING]
- Hey! What are you doing?
Stop it, stop it!
What's going on here?
- Stop!
- Rhonda!
Why are you here right now?
I'm here to pick up some
documents for your HR case.
But now I also have to get
statements from everyone
about what I just witnessed.
Rhonda, I'd also like to file a claim
about softball-related ageism.
[EMILY] So
just had words with Rhonda.
Thanks to my little moment
with the hat,
uh, she's opening a second
investigation against me
for creating a hostile
work environment.
What? But you wouldn't hurt a fly.
Literally. I've seen you take
them outside and free them.
Don't worry, we'll do another
set of mock interviews
and we won't let them
or their facts win.
Oh, my gosh.
Maybe I shouldn't be
reinstated because I am guilty
of showing preferential
treatment to you, Frank.
Ooh! Today has everything.
I mean, do you know how hard
I have to work
to protect your ego and cater
to your ridiculous demands?
If I got special treatment,
I wouldn't complain as much as I do.
Wh-wh-what about
your lumbar support chair
that I had to special order for you?
Or the fact that I keep
your birthday a secret
so that no one can celebrate it?
It's March 17th, everybody!
March 17th, 1990.
I also gave you your own
drawer in the refrigerator.
Yeah, that pissed me right off.
And now, on the most stressful
day of my whole career,
now you decide to exercise some demons
from getting kicked off the force.
I just ahh
You know what? I am gonna
prep for my interview alone.
I mean, come on, she's exaggerating.
You know what? Come on, Silly Billies.
Emily needs her team.
Support on three.
One, two, three
[ALL] Support!
So, how did Isha take it?
It wasn't an easy conversation,
but I was straight with her.
I'm married,
and it just doesn't feel right.
Okay, seriously,
when are you gonna talk to her?
After dinner.
I need grilled short rib and
one more night of validation.
She's friends with Maya.
She knows that this is just platonic.
Oh, well, do her yabbos know
that this is platonic?
Oh, wow.
Me and her, dinner, with that
Dress. Okay, this isn't great.
I should call Maya.
Get ahead of this.
Unless I'm being too hard on myself.
I mean, what have I really done wrong?
Everything, I've done
everything wrong.
[CALL RINGS]
Hey, babe.
How's Mom?
There's been a little setback.
Oh, no. Hey, listen, there's
something I want you to know,
and I wanted you to hear it from me.
Isha may be in love with me.
- What?
- I know.
She's got it bad. It's not her fault.
I did my Pacino.
Hold on, I'm adding Isha.
What? Don't do that.
Why-why would you do that?
Hey, Maya. What's up?
Isha. Uh
Amit said you've
fallen in love with him.
[BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING]
[ISHA] Did he say that?
Yeah, you're in love with him.
Hey, but you invited me to dinner!
I told her to check in on you.
I know you've been lonely.
I didn't completely make this up.
You got all dressed up for me.
No. I got dressed up for my boyfriend.
What's up, Amit?
Psyched for some Korean barbecue?
My God, he's perfect.
Yeah, she clearly has a type.
You guys are like twins.
All right, this isn't necessary.
I was just trying
to be a good husband.
By going on a date with my friend?
Sweetie, I love you, I really do.
Mom, you are never gonna
believe what Amit
You know, maybe you guys
just go on without me.
I'm just feeling a little
Hoo-ahh
- Hi, Rhonda.
- Ahh!
You're from Precinct 22, aren't you?
Yes, Officer Frank Shaw.
Oh, and you do
the Elmcrest trail, too?
I do, I love the
- Gradient.
- Oh.
Look, I don't actually,
I followed you here.
Which I now realize sounds creepy,
but I wanted to talk
to you about Emily
and what happened yesterday.
Well, then, you'll have to keep up.
I'm very athletic.
Look, Emily is a great boss,
and puts up with a lot
of nonsense from her employees,
I would know. I work with them, too.
I'm sorry, I can't look past
workplace aggression.
Listen, Rhonda,
when I was on the force
[RHONDA GROANS]
Oh! I'm sorry that I got shot at
so you could feel safe
walking in public.
Look, when I was on the force,
my biggest mistake
was that I had a moral compass.
But Lady Time wore me down, so
What if I gave you a name?
Someone who did something
that'll make Emily's outburst
look like small potatoes?
What are we talking,
embezzlement, forgery?
I hate to say it, but one of
my more oblivious coworkers
got mixed up with the feds.
TSA.
I'm still listening.
Oh, we're running again.
Emily's interview is taking forever.
I wish I had a Bettany
to calm me down.
[PATEL] There she is.
I think it's good news.
Although I'm terrible
at reading women.
Well
- I nailed it.
- Yeah!
I laid out an airtight case
that I didn't demonstrate
any preferential treatment to Shred.
And at the end, she said, "Very good."
And she didn't even
bring up the hat attack.
Yes! High five! High five!
I mean, the city's gonna make
their decision in two weeks,
so we're not outta the woods yet.
But, you know, at least
we didn't set the woods on fire.
- [VICTORIA] Yay! Okay.
- [CHEERING]
Officer Patel.
I have some questions
for you on a separate HR matter.
Can you come with me, please?
My God, I'm gonna
have to call Maya again.
Hey.
I heard you talked to Rhonda.
Yeah, I ran into her
on one of my hikes.
- She struggled to keep up.
- Mm-hmm.
I also heard that you said
I was one of the best bosses
you've ever had.
Well, I kinda got you in trouble,
so I felt a lie was appropriate.
Mm-hmm.
I know I'm not the easiest employee,
and managing my genius
must be exhausting, so
I appreciate you giving me
the space to be
Me.
So, there you go.
Well, you're welcome.
Hey.
Get your bat.
All right, you get one pitch.
Are you ready?
Bring me that meat, bunt queen.
And that ball is outta here!
- [SMASHING SOUND]
- [EMILY] Oh!
Who drives a red hatchback?
I do. Why?
Tell everyone I'm back on the team!
[CAR ALARM WAILS]
Can you pass the tail detangler?
Oh, hey, you know who could
use a good detangling?
Shadowkeep.
[LAUGHS] You're gonna
you're gonna be
so annoying about this.
No, it's an honor
to have a character based on me.
Although I would never go
on a quest to avenge my father.
If anyone was based on you,
it would be Smitty,
the village elder
who dies of dysentery.
Oh, come on.
Shadowkeep's tall, he's clever.
He protects the creatures
of the Rodanthian forest.
"So virile, his bare feet make
flowers unfurl their petals."
- It's beautiful.
- He also dyes his beard.
But the night elves
pretend not to notice
'cause they don't
wanna hurt his feelings.
You can finish up here.
It's okay.
Shadowkeep has night vision.
sync & corrections awaqeded