Ghosts (2021) s05e04 Episode Script

1
Hey, guys. What are you doing?
Trying to guess what
the day's special will be
based on the staff's prep work.
It's not exactly fun,
but it's something.
Thor hoping Jay finally
take Thor's suggestion
and put rams' testicles on menu.
- And what is Gabe doing?
- TREVOR: Gabe is waiting
to come down from whatever
he smoked on his break.
HETTY: He says he's speaking
telepathically to the cauliflower.
This man should not
have access to knives.
NEEL: Sorry I'm late.
Last night I took my date
to that ice cream shop
next to the animal shelter.
I teared up looking at those
senior dogs in the window,
and then it was "game on."
You're such a sleaze.
An ice cream/puppy cuddle doubleheader
is exactly the kind of move
T-Money would have pulled in his prime.
The ice cream doesn't
melt, but the panties do.
Why doesn't the ice cream melt?
I don't know, Pete, just
let me have a catchphrase.
You get everything I requested
for tonight's special?
Sure did, Cobra.
Ooh, here we go.
Yes!
Thor right. Rams' testicles.
Diners eat well tonight.
Thorfinn, those are brussels sprouts.
They're vegetables.
And people eat?
Thor gonna be sick.
♪
Sam. Remember how I have a daughter now?
Well, she came to visit,
and while she was here,
you texted her from my
phone, pretending to be me,
and said that the man who raised her
wasn't her real father
and that you were,
and then I had to take the
blame, so, yeah, I remember.
Well, great news, I saw on
Instagram that she lost her job,
so you can hire her
here at the restaurant.
Oh, boy. Trevor wants us to hire
his daughter as a server at Mahesh.
Uh, too bad we spent all our money
fixing the stripper-shaped
hole in the roof.
I know it's not technically possible,
but I swear that hole had abs.
What if I pay her salary?
I have the money from my finance job.
Trevor says he'll pay Abby's salary.
He just wants to be around her.
- It's actually kind of sweet.
- Hmm.
Yeah, okay. I mean,
it's a really good deal.
Yes. You won't regret this.
Okay, well, we don't even
know if she'll take the job.
I just appreciate that
you're gonna ask her.
And while he's saying yes to things,
maybe we should hire her hot
friend Brooke as a hostess.
Ew, Trevor, that's
your daughter's friend.
I'm new to the whole girl dad thing.
I'm learning on the job.
Good note.
So, how are things
going with you and Pete?
I mean, good, but since
we both have roommates,
we don't have anywhere to make out.
Oh, so you two are still
just at the kissing stage?
Okay, well, FYI, there's more.
I know all about it,
'cause, you know, I did it with Joan.
Oh, and she was so satisfied,
she still hasn't come back.
That's impressive.
Attention, everyone.
Creepy Dirk has an announcement.
I am running for reelection.
- What's he talking about?
- NANCY: You guys don't remember?
Four years ago, Dirk
beat Isaac and Alberta
and became ghost representative.
[CHUCKLES] You had to resort
to flimflammery to beat me,
which is the ultimate compliment.
Anyways, Dirk's four-year term is up,
and I'm running his reelection campaign.
And we're just up here
to "press the flesh,"
as they say in the politics game.
- [LAUGHS]
- Alberta, would you like to press my flesh?
I'm good.
SASAPPIS: Isn't the
position just ceremonial?
I know originally it was
supposed to be the ghost
that communicates with Sam,
but now it's just an
empty figurehead position.
- I mean, who would even want
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Not to Higgintoot my own horn,
but I believe destiny has
chosen me for this moment.
If the upstairs ghosts
can line up behind me
and we don't split our
vote again, I shall prevail.
So here I am, throwing
my hat into the ring.
Ooh, that sounds fun.
- What does?
- Throwing hats into rings.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY] I'm in, too.
No. No, I literally just explained
why we shouldn't both do
that. It's self-defeating.
But on the other hand,
throwing hats into rings rules.
[LAUGHS]: Yes.
Dibs on Alberta's hat.
[GROANS]
TREVOR: Look at my girl.
Shayna punim.
I know I can't hug her,
but would it be weird
if I poked her cheek?
We're so thrilled that you were
able to fill the position, Abby.
Yeah, you caught me at
a bit of a rough moment.
I broke up with my boyfriend,
lost my job, and my roommate
adopted a bunch of ferrets.
I had a bunch of ferrets once.
Oh, that coat was the
envy of East 61st Street.
Well, we're lucky to
have you. [CHUCKLES]
I'm a bit confused why you
reached out to me, though,
'cause waiters are very easy to find
and I've never done it before.
I think she's delicately asking
if you have a weird obsession with her,
which, honestly, the facts support.
Well, we saw some of your recent posts,
and we noticed that you were
having kind of a tough run of it.
And to be totally honest,
I still feel bad about
How do I say this?
Almost destroying her
family last time she here?
How things went when you visited.
Well, yeah, I'm-I'm happy to work here.
But there need to be some
very clear boundaries set
because last time things got very weird.
Understood.
Sam, I promise I will not make
you look like a freak again.
Thank you.
Is what you could have said
in response to what I said.
It's just sort of polite.
HETTY: Yes, you're not a
freak who can see ghosts,
you're merely an annoying
etiquette hawk. Well played.
- We off to good start.
- Mm.
ISAAC: Flower, listen. I'm concerned
that if we both run for
ghost representative,
we'll split the upstairs vote,
thus extending Creepy
Dirk's reign of ickiness.
Look, Isaac, when I first
threw my hat in the ring,
I'll admit, I thought it was
literally about hats and rings.
And just checking,
we're sure it's not that?
No, sweetie. This is about
running for elective office.
Which I dig.
My whole vibe was
about effecting change.
Us hippies, we weren't just doing acid
and having orgies for fun.
We were doing those
things to protest Nixon.
Why don't you two have a primary
to pick which of you will run
against Dirk in the general?
That way you won't have to
split the upstairs ghost vote.
ISAAC: Interesting.
And any primary would, of
course, feature that grandest
of political traditions: the debate.
Flower, do you accept this challenge?
- Okay.
- Then it's settled.
It shall be I, someone who has committed
the entire works of Aristotle to memory,
versus Flower, who is
oop currently staring at a lamp.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
I was wondering why this TV
show had gotten so lamp-heavy.
TREVOR: Look at her.
She's nailing it.
And she's only 298 months old.
Hey, girl.
The customers are loving you.
Must be that famous Lefkowitz charm.
- [LAUGHS]: What do you mean?
- Ooh, Bela,
that's gonna be a tough one to explain.
Uh, because, you know, when, um,
they hosted your biological
father's memorial here,
a lot of people talked
about how charming he was.
So that's how I know. [CHUCKLES]
Not because he personally charmed me.
[LAUGHS] How could he? He's dead!
Yes. She pull it off.
[DOOR OPENS]
What's up?
I'm Neel. I'm one of the cooks.
Uh-oh, what's this?
Could be innocent. We don't know.
You're new here, right?
No, I've been here for months.
I'm just really good at blending in.
NEEL [CHUCKLES]: Funny and cute.
That's a dangerous combination.
Come on, this is flirtatious.
No, she's just being
nice. He's too old for her.
THORFINN: She just tuck hair behind ear.
- It is on.
- NEEL: Well, I can show you
around the town after work if you like.
But only if you answer
one question correctly.
What's that?
Do you like ice cream?
[SLOW-MOTION]: No!
Yeah. Who doesn't like ice cream?
Great.
Ice cream means sex.
In order to help you with
your debate against Isaac,
we'll ask questions that
could come up at the debate,
- and you just do your best.
- Ooh.
Question one: the shaft of
light in the upstairs den.
It's always been first
come, first served,
but do you think that's fair,
or should we have designated times
- like we do with the TV?
- Ooh,
I know this one.
- Seven.
- What's that?
Teen? Seventeen?
But those are just numbers.
- Red?
- Child, our girl's in trouble.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, no, no oh, ooh
Oh
Whoa.
- Ow.
- ALBERTA: Are you okay?
I'm more worried about Gabe.
[GROANS] I think I need to sit down.
The most stoned man in the
world just got Flowered.
Uh, is he gonna be okay?
Hmm. You posit an interesting
question, Sasappis.
Based on his prodigious use
of mind-altering substances,
I'd have to assume that
he's an extreme outlier
in terms of his capacity to
metabolize THC and psilocybin.
What the hell just happened?
I-I think Flower got smart?
B-Because Gabe walked through
her? How does that work?
As I currently feel sober,
I can only surmise that
Gabe's impressive tolerance
has caused him to absorb the
entirety of my intoxication.
SASAPPIS: Okay, so,
are you just gonna be smart from now on?
Based on what I've
witnessed in my time here,
these metaphysical side
effects are always temporary.
I have no reason to believe
this will be any different.
Then let's get you to that debate.
- Yes.
- Ha!
What was in that Pop-Tart?
I'm just gonna take a nap.
[EXHALES]
SAMANTHA: No, Pete, I'm
sorry, I'm not gonna have
a dedicated room for the
ghosts to make out in.
Would it help if I told you we
already have a name for the room?
It's Smooch City.
He told me, and now you have to know.
- Ugh.
- Sam, I need you to fire Neel
before the restaurant closes tonight.
He's gonna take Abby out for ice cream.
Ice cream, Sam.
That doesn't sound so bad.
No, that's his big
move. The guy is a dog.
Jay, Trevor is worried
because Neel asked Abby out,
and I guess he's a bit of a playboy?
He carries five condoms in his wallet.
From the outside, it looks
like the Olympic rings.
JAY: Abby's a grown woman,
and a restaurant's not
like normal workplaces.
Chefs work hard, they got to play hard.
I got some stories for
you about other people.
Uh, third-party, very distant.
Don't companies today have policies
against dating in the workplace?
Yes. My investment firm certainly does.
I know because I got reprimanded
for posting that hot-or-not
list on the company Slack.
SAMANTHA: The ghosts are
suggesting we institute
a policy about dating in the workplace?
Sam, please.
I just, I don't want her to get
her heart broken by some jerk.
He's really worried about Abby.
Come on, it's his daughter.
Okay oh, geez. Okay, fine.
W-well, maybe we can tell everyone
there's a mandatory
meeting about HR stuff,
and we can sneak the new policy in.
- Yes.
- HETTY: In my day,
"HR" referred to Heath Rutherford,
who was in charge of dumping cold water
on young factory workers
asleep at the loom.
That is the downside
to employing children.
They are always napping.
PETE: Okay.
Welcome to the first
upstairs ghost primary debate.
We'll begin with opening
statements. Isaac?
- You have the floor.
- Thank you, everyone, for attending.
Democracy works best
when all participate.
White male landowners and others.
Okay, that felt like an
applause line, but no matter.
[CLEARS THROAT] Now, Flower,
which style of debate
would you like to engage in?
A debate is a sort of
formalized exchange of ideas.
Thank you, Isaac.
I'm equally comfortable
in Lincoln-Douglas,
British Parliamentary, or Oxford-style.
You can choose.
Uh
No, she speaking gibberish.
We need to stop this.
Okay, now it's time
for our first question.
Yes, I have one. Who are you
and what in the hell
have you done with Flower?
I maintain that all of us
have within us the ability
to rise and meet the moment.
If elected,
I would follow the words of Cicero:
Salus populi suprema lex esto.
The welfare of the people
shall be the supreme law.
What is happening? Why is she so cogent?
Okay, our next question
comes from Sasappis.
Let's say a ghost wanted to smell pizza,
but Sam refused to order one.
How would you, as ghost
representative, handle that?
I'll take this one.
As a ghost, I would
be powerless to help.
Therefore, I would
advise you to surrender.
Which, not to brag,
I am incredible at.
Thank you.
Uh, Flower, same question.
Scratch and sniff
stickers employ a process
known as microencapsulation
to capture various scents
including pizza in
two-dimensional objects.
I would convince Sam to keep
a number of these on hand,
and then Trevor could activate
them using his ghost power.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes!
Bravo, Madam Representative!
This isn't fair. There's
flimflammery afoot.
There's flimflammery, I say!
Okay, uh, well, th-thanks,
everyone, for gathering.
Um, I'll try and keep this brief.
It's just a quick update on our new
dating in the workplace policy.
I'm sorry, we have a dating
in the workplace policy?
- We do now.
- MARK: And I support it,
100%, whatever it is, because
of my respect for women.
Thank you, Mark.
- What are you doing here?
- I heard there was a seminar
on sexual harassment,
and that is a subject
I am always looking to improve on.
And by "improve on," I mean
"get better at doing it."
Great tush, by the way.
- [LAUGHS]
- [GASPS]
Is this new policy because of, uh,
me and the linens lady?
No.
Then is it because of me and Gabe?
Did we hook up?
[LOW]: You met my parents.
Look, this isn't about
anyone in particular.
Just going forward, the
new policy is we don't allow
for workplace relationships.
Did you hear that
Neel and I are supposed
to get ice cream tonight?
No, that was not on my radar.
But it would be prohibited
under the new policy.
ABBY: So, there was no policy,
and now there is a
policy just a few hours
before Neel and I are
supposed to hang out,
and you're telling us now
in an emergency HR meeting?
That's just a series of coincidences.
Ooh, this is a damning fact pattern.
This is very weird and
very messed up, Sam,
but, honestly, I'm not surprised at all.
Abby, wait.
I think people should be
allowed to date who they want.
She's a woman, too.
I'm supporting women.
- Do you want to kiss?
- Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES] We just
came back from the vote,
and you won in a landslide.
[LAUGHS]: That's incredible.
What did I win? Was it best smile?
In the commune, I won
three years in a row,
but then I got high and
chipped my tooth on a rock
that looked like an apple
but tasted like a rock.
[LAUGHS] Welcome back, Flower.
It's actually really
good to see you again.
Oh, we missed you, you knucklehead.
So, do you remember anything
from when you were smart?
I just remember this
overwhelming feeling of futility.
Like, I was hyperaware
of how powerless we are
and how we're trapped here forever
with absolutely no idea why.
Do you guys ever think about that?
- Constantly.
- It was bleak, man.
ALBERTA: Well, yeah,
it's incredibly depressing.
What is?
Oh, that TV show about
the lamp is on again.
Oh, I've seen this
episode. It's a classic.
So, she just bummed us out and
now she's back in Happy Land.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
Oy gevalt. She's packing, Sam.
- Do something.
- Uh, hey, Abby.
- Have you got a sec?
- ABBY: Oh, wait,
is there another boundary
you want to cross?
Or do you want some blood
so you can map my DNA?
Look, I'm sorry, uh,
that I meddled again.
It's just that The thing is
- The thing is
- Just tell her.
- Seriously?
- BELA: Honestly,
what do you have to lose?
What are you talking about?
Do it.
Your father is a ghost
who haunts this mansion,
and I know that because
I can see ghosts.
It really sound nuts
when she say it out loud.
Oh, she just blurts it out.
Meanwhile, my mother was
institutionalized for menstrual cramps.
ABBY: You people are crazy.
Please never contact me again.
I'm leaving now.
BELA: No, no, Abby, wait. Look,
I had the same reaction
when they told me.
But then Sam proved it by
having one of the ghosts
tell her everything
that was in my purse.
Uh, Sam, are there any
ghosts in here right now?
Hetty, Thorfinn and Trevor.
Your father.
Oh, hi, Trevor.
We have history.
He catfished me.
- [MOUTHS]
- It's a long story, but basically,
I was almost your stepmother.
Bela, please stop talking.
Hetty, do you mind?
HETTY: Makeup, uh, nail file,
a book of crossword puzzles.
And a string cheese out of its wrapper.
Makeup, nail file, crossword puzzles,
and unwrapped string cheese.
All that proves is that you've
been snooping through my things,
which is very on-brand for you.
This is not a trick.
You can take the bag
- out of the room and fill it
- TREVOR: Wait.
She's my daughter. I'll prove it to her.
Sam, tell her to look
at the pen on the table.
Trevor wants you to look
at the pen on the table.
He has the ability to move things.
Okay, yeah, and I bet you haven't tied
dental floss to that or anything.
JAY: Okay, then,
you pick the object.
I mean, there's no way that we could've
rigged everything in this room.
ABBY: All right, my
water bottle, which
I've had with me all day,
so I know you didn't mess with it.
What? No! This thing is huge!
Why do girls carry around
so much water these days?
The thing is, that's a
little heavy for Trevor.
Could you possibly
pick something lighter?
I knew you were full of it.
Okay, okay, fine. If
that's what she wants, fine.
He's trying.
[STRAINING]
- Is impossible.
- Come on, Trevor.
[PANTING] I can do it.
[EXHALES] For my daughter.
[STRAINING]
How are you doing that?
It's Trevor.
BELA: He's really strong for a ghost.
And funny. And sensitive.
- Yes!
- Well done, Trevor.
Is this real?
TREVOR [PANTING]: Yes.
I'm here, Abby.
He's here.
This is a lot to take in.
I told you he was strong.
Is he pumped right now? Do
they get all, like, pumped?
You need to either get
or fire a therapist.
He says if you'll stay, he promises
not to be overprotective.
He just wants to get to know you.
- This is insane.
- And also,
he understands if you
want to go out with Neel,
but he says he's not
good enough for you.
Oh, no, I know that.
I was using him for free food.
His contact in my phone is
literally "Neel the Meal."
Oh, she was gonna play the player.
I have never been so
proud. [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
- Alone at last.
- I thought it would never happen.
Oh. Sorry, didn't realize
you two were in here.
[SIGHS]
But you're staying. Okay.
It's just so unfair.
She was off drugs. How is that legal?
I just got so excited about the idea
of finally holding office.
It's what I've wanted
for over 200 years,
but I couldn't even beat Flower.
You know, Isaac, if
this is what you want,
maybe there's still a way.
I grew up in the South. Do you
know what carpetbaggers are?
Of course, but explain
it for Pete's benefit.
Carpetbaggers are
politicians from the North
who would move to the
South to run for office.
Are you suggesting
that I take up residency
in the basement and primary Creepy Dirk?
Yeah, maybe that's just too crazy.
Someone would have to
be incredibly charming
to defeat a popular
incumbent as an outsider.
Incredibly charming?
But that's me. I shall
move to the basement
and ingratiate myself
with those hideous ghouls,
and I shan't return
until they've chosen me
to run against Flower
in the general election.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Huzzah.
What was that? I thought
you didn't want him
to be the ghost representative.
I don't, but I just got my roommate
to move to the basement.
Which means you and I finally
have that make-out space
we've been looking for.
Well, in that case,
welcome to Smooch City.
This is your mayor speaking.
Unless you want to be
mayor, in which case
- this is your deputy mayor speaking
- Stop talking.
Yes, Madam Mayor.
Hello, besties.
Ooh, what's that smell?
Because I love it.