Only Murders in the Building (2021) s05e04 Episode Script

1
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Lester likened all the tenants to birds,
his favorite hobby.
And you were the cuckoo chick!
The neediest bird of all, a taker.
The taker?
Mabel, what's the first word
that comes to mind
when you think of me?
- [MABEL MORA] Oh, narcissist.
- What the hell?
Oh, my God.
Mabel Mora?
Althea?
Actually, it's THĒ now.
I shortened it, T-H-Ē.
[OLIVER GRUNTING AND PANTING]
Something's not adding up.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to take a little peek.
We're doing an autopsy?
A meat cleaver to the chest.
Maybe cocaine?
I got it! Money amounts.
"Brown-headed cowbird."
Maybe these are code names.
There might be a game tonight.
We have to go.
Lester and Nicky have both been here.
- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKS]
- [CHARLES GASPS]
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
[OLIVER PUTNAM] You're gonna get us
killed by a bunch of
murderous mobsters.
They're all billionaires.
This isn't the mob.
This is the new mob of New York.
[FINGERS TAPPING]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMILA WHITE] How does it feel
to be worth a billion dollars?
If I'm honest, not as good as it felt
to win my first hundred dollars
on a perfect bluff.
That was the day I fell in love
with parlor games,
and with winning.
I was five years old when
I first beat my father at chess.
Before that, I thought he was
the smartest person in the world.
Broke my heart to learn that I was,
that no one would beat me
for the rest of my life.
What fun is that?
The problem for most rich people
is that there's no amount of money
that can make 'em stop wanting more.
Money's a game, and they love to win.
I know people see me as a rich guy,
but I barely even think about money,
which is why I'm so normal.
- [PHONE CHIMING]
- Alright, good.
Take that. Throw the ball.
- [DOG BARKING]
- [GUARD] Go get it.
[BARKING]
It's great getting out with the pup.
- [DOG BARKING]
- He can't find it. Go get it.
[BARKING CONTINUES]
[AMBIENT CITY STREET NOISE]
[LIGHT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS] Not a typical Saturday night.
I think our days of typical nights here
are behind us.
Let's be fast about this.
- Are we going to talk about
- [GLASS CLANKING]
- What was that?
- [SEBASTIAN "BASH" STEED] Maybe a rat?
[POKER CHIPS RATTLING]
[CHIPS CLACKING]
[TENSE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Who's in here?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Why are the richest people in the world
in our basement?
And did they kill our doorman?
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Find out next season on
Oh, I'm taking a panorama.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[SECRET CLOSET DOOR RATTLING SHUT]
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]
- [LIGHT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
Jay Pflug has a bandaged nub,
and we have a finger.
I don't think it's a huge leap to
assume that our finger goes on his nub.
Oh, he's definitely a suspect.
At the least, he was involved.
Maybe the cleaver
that was in Nicky's chest
also chopped off Jay's finger.
And Lester was down there.
Maybe he saw something
- he shouldn't have.
- [ROBOT] Hello.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
What the hell?
I'm LESTR.
Aw, look how moved everyone is.
Meet our new doorman. We named him
after the dead one, in tribute.
L-E-S-T-R.
Logic Engineered Secure Tenant Robot.
Those words don't even
make sense together.
They're trying to trick us
into thinking it's a tribute
- instead of the rise of the machine.
- [LESTR ROBOT] That's true.
My greatest challenge
is my unsettling effect on humans.
Well, I've seen The Terminator,
so I'm on Team Machine.
As the keeper of
the building's secrets,
the board hired me to train LESTR.
This is so sad. A robot doorman.
The beginning of the end
of old New York.
- No!
- [PEN CLATTERS]
See, the machine will just handle things
like deliveries or reminders.
Thanks to the union my union
there will always be
a human face at the door.
Just, hopefully this human.
He's right. We couldn't get rid of him.
[LESTR ROBOT] I just need to scan
everyone's iris and fingerprint.
That thing's not getting
anywhere near my irises.
- [ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]
- Alright, I'm gonna get my hair done.
God knows why,
since nobody ever notices.
What's happening
to our sweet little murder building?
Yeah. Things are changing fast.
[SHOES SQUEAKING]
- Are you doing toe raises?
- Yeah, I do toe raises.
I've never seen you do a toe raise.
Have you ever seen me brush my teeth?
I do that too.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[LIGHT PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MABEL SIGHS]
I took Winnie's doggy Ritalin,
stayed up all night,
- and basically solved this.
- You two are a lot for me today.
- Vince.
- What are you doing here?
And look at you with two eyes.
Hiya, guys.
Lester and I were birding buddies.
So, Oliver invited me
up here to decode the ledger,
figure out which one of the birds
was playing cards
- on the night that he died.
- You birded with Lester?
Well, he was the expert,
I just followed along
to keep him honest.
He had a knack for turning
a robin into a bushtit
[CHUCKLES] if you know what I mean.
No one has any idea what you mean.
Well, he was an optimist.
Very good at life,
but not so at birding.
But I miss him.
I miss our days in the park.
Sit, sit.
Okay.
[GASPS DRAMATICALLY]
[MABEL] Oh-ho, wow!
An Oliver Putnam murder board.
Love the sari.
Yeah, from my '70s Rajneesh days.
Please let that be a hash stain.
That's a lot of work.
Oliver, what happened to you?
Well, I thought about
what you said to me the other day
when you complimented me.
What'd you call me?
- Self-centered narcissist.
- [OLIVER] Yes, that that was it.
Anyway, I heard it.
So, last night, as I lay there
thinking about myself
the strangest thing happened.
I suddenly thought about you
and how you always make
the murder boards.
So, I thought to myself,
I'll do it, for you.
Bravo, Oliver. Bravo.
- What growth.
- Okay.
We did solve one mystery:
why Lester wrote down
the player's names
using a secret bird code.
They're the most powerful
people in the world.
He was scared of them.
Somebody be recordin', because
I am about to get birdie with it.
- [RECORDER DINGS]
- Per Lester's notes,
the gaming parlor usually hosted
a whole flock of birds.
But last Saturday,
there were only five.
Now, first, Nicky.
He is the Brown-headed cowbird,
known for their mafia-like
retaliatory behavior.
[MIMICS BROWN-HEADED COWBIRD CALL]
- [SHOUTING CAW]
- Oof! Okay, 'kay, 'kay,
you don't have to do the calls.
Well, it sounds like
a mobster, doesn't it?
Next, Jay Pflug,
heir to the Pflug fortune,
maker of Pflug faucets,
which gave everybody lead poisoning.
So, they founded Pflug Pharma,
which invented a medicine
to cure lead poisoning.
Made billions.
He branded himself
as, uh, this black sheep philanthropist,
but the guy is a monster.
His last nonprofit funneled money
to guerrilla groups.
The terrorists, not the primates.
L-Let's let's keep it on birds.
He's the Eurasian Jay.
[MIMICS EURASIAN JAY CALL]
- [CHARLES AND VINCE MIMICKING LOUDLY]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
I, too, get my bird on.
Okay, lotta new colors on you.
Anyway, since the Jay bird
is missing a claw
No, I'm sorry, I'm done.
He's missing a finger,
so, it's obviously
No, no, no. We're not done.
Bash Steed.
AI genius, longevity freak.
Way older than he looks,
but no one knows how old
because he owns the internet.
Now, I have to find out how old he is.
He is the kākāpō.
[MIMICS KĀKĀPŌ GULPING CALL]
They are known to live up
to 90 years in the wild.
And finally, Camila White.
Lifestyle queen, hotel magnate,
duchess of cashmere.
You can buy a candle
that smells like the inside of her nose.
She is the queen of decor.
The bowerbird,
maker of beautiful nests.
[VINCE AND CHARLES
MIMICKING BOWERBIRD CALL]
[SCREECHING] Ah!
Okay, anyways,
there's a finger in Charles's freezer
and we have a suspect missing a finger.
So, how do we get to Jay?
[OLIVER SIGHS]
- We let him know we're onto him.
- [OLIVER] Ahh.
Yes.
[OLIVER] [ON COMPUTER] And while
we here at Only Murders in the Building
- aren't pointing fingers just yet
- [PODCAST THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
we're wading into the dangerous
waters of both old mob and new.
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
Uber rich powerbrokers
who don't have to break an arm
to get what they want.
They just write a check.
[MABEL] No one writes checks anymore.
[CHARLES] We already have some ideas
about who has a partial hand
in these two deaths,
so don't miss season five.
This is so good.
Oh, we're definitely
gonna hear from him.
He'll wanna defend himself.
- Post, young one!
- [COMPUTER KEY CLICKS]
I do wish we'd worked
in the word "phalange."
Okay, for the last time, Charles,
phalange-thropist is not a good pun.
- That's funny.
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- To you.
- [OLIVER] Mm.
[BIRDS CAWING, WINGS FLUTTERING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh, my God, hi!
Althea THĒ.
Um, this is Oliver.
- Oh, hello. How are you?
- Hi. Cute pillows.
Yes, I'm bequeathing them to young Mabel
for her new apartment.
That is so kind of you.
I mean, I could buy myself pillows,
it's just, these are vintage Missoni.
THĒ! Hi!
- Howard Morris.
- [BOTH CHUCKLES]
[WHISPERING] That's THĒ.
- Uh, hello, Howard.
- Hi.
[LESTR ROBOT] THĒ is the number one
most downloaded artist
- [THĒ CHUCKLES]
- for 13 weeks in a row.
- [HOWARD GIGGLES]
- Here's her current hit.
- [UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, that's cute ♪
- You're thinking 'bout me all day ♪
- Oh, excuse me, pardon me. Ah!
Glamorous! Okay.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God, stop it!
- [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
- Wait, why did it stop?
Oh, I'm just I'm just kidding.
Anyway, Mabel, how are you?
How's your little podcast going?
Great. We dropped our season five teaser
a few days ago.
[LESTR ROBOT]
Their listens are 24% lower
- than their season four teaser.
- [VOICE DISTORTING]
Oh, did you all hear the new podcast
Drunk Sluts Do Murder?
Oh, my God, yes. I love the sluts.
- Do people say "slut" again?
- Sluts do.
Did you hear the one where
they play strip beer pong
- with the forensics expert?
- Beyond.
- [KISS SMACKING]
- [LESTR ROBOT] Drunk Sluts Do Murder
are ranked 19 spots higher
than Only Murders
No. No, don't feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
It's just 'cause Wondify is, like,
shoving the sluts
down our throats, you know?
It's so hard to get noticed
when you're indie, right?
We actually just signed
a huge deal at Wondify.
So, be prepared to have us
down your throats, too.
We did?
I mean, I I still can't believe it.
That is amazing!
Oh my God, so you know what you need?
You need my publicist.
He's so intuitive.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
He's psychic, and
he's a hired assassin.
But you did not hear that from me, okay?
[LAUGHING]
Bye, Howard! Bye, robot.
- Bye, girl!
- Bye, girl.
[MABEL SCOFFS]
So, I lied,
but maybe that's not a bad thing,
because now I'm sending in
this kick-ass pitch,
and they'll offer us
a podcast deal, right?
I mean, there's already
a movie about us,
and I I'm, you know, just shocked
that they haven't
come to us already, you know?
Mabel, why did you do this?
Okay, fine.
Althea and I were each other's
only friend in middle school.
I trusted her with everything.
And we'd make
these stupid little videos
where we'd play these characters,
Sunny and Cloudy.
Sunny was optimistic.
Cloudy was, well, cloudy.
- And you were Cloudy.
- No, I was Sunny.
[LAUGHING] Oh, so that's the joke.
- What do you mean?
- Uh, just continue.
Anyway, then when Zoe died
Zoe is a familiar name.
Oliver, Mabel's friend. The roof.
Oh, from season one!
Oh, my God, that was so sad.
Yeah, well, I I
wasn't doing that great.
I stayed here for the summer
and depressed.
And then, when I went home,
Althea had completely changed.
She had made all new friends
and turned everyone against me.
I kind of spiraled
and spent the rest of high school
in my room with Tumblr.
That's a pornography site.
Not anymore. They ruined it.
Well, now, the person
who has turned me off having friends
- [PHONES BUZZING AND CHIMING]
- is here at number one
while we are 32, and
Um, are my old-men friends
texting while I trauma dump?
Jay Pflug just sent us a video.
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, podcasters, heard your teaser.
Sounds like you have some thoughts.
I'll be by at 7:00 to clear things up.
- [GONG RINGING]
- Oh, shit.
[HUMMING] Om
- [VIDEO STOPPING]
- A billionaire is coming to dinner.
[PHONE LOCK CLICKS]
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
Champagne, caviar, Godiva.
This is what you're serving
a billionaire for dinner?
No, no, no, we don't serve dinner.
We serve salty sweets
to make him thirsty,
then offer him
nothing to drink but bubbly.
He'll get blackout and tell
us everything. This is my way.
Yes, let's get a possible murderer
hangry and drunk. Great plan.
If you invite someone over at 7:00,
you have to serve 'em dinner.
It's a rule of society.
And that's why I brought
What is that, the Magna Carta?
No, it's my great-gran's recipe
for duck à l'orange.
It's a billionaire's delight.
Charles, no one needs
your 17th-century old lady food
and outdated social rules.
Do you know how many billionaires
I've entertained here?
Well, technically none,
but plenty of millionaires,
which were the billionaires of the '80s.
Alright, we are interrogating,
not entertaining.
Ah, yeah, but you
need one for the other.
This is one of the richest people
on Earth.
He wants courses. Many, many courses.
- Etiquette is not dead.
- I think etiquette died
four months after
the internet was invented,
and that guy's head went
into an elephant's ass.
- Ah, well.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[WHISPERING] He's early.
He's an early bird.
[OLIVER] [WHISPERING] Okay, okay.
Oh, Jay, welcome. Come in.
I come bearing gifts.
- Ah.
- Never show up empty-handed.
Though, I'm a little handicapped,
if you don't mind grabbing that.
Oh-ho. Beer, how generous.
Ah, stoked to meet you all.
One of the reasons
why I play cards here
is because it's the murder building,
and that is all because of you.
Well, we give a lot of credit
to the murderers.
Say, so, uh, what has you playing cards
in our famous Velvet Room?
- You know, I started a few months ago
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
- [SCOFFS]
- [SIGHS]
Man, I knew I was being followed.
[SIGHS]
Good evening. Camila White.
[PLUCKY CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, isn't this an assaulting amount
of everything?
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Better.
Oh, my goodness.
Jay, is that you?
- I had no idea you'd be here.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I heard the podcast,
and it seemed like these people
thought you were involved
in the mob killing.
Camila White, charmed. Camila White.
Oh, dear God. A plum plaid.
So, I'm here to clear Jay's name.
Fuck off, Camila,
I'm here to clear my name.
You were worried about what
I'd say about you.
That is certainly not true,
and I don't like the ugly use of words
that end in hard Ks.
Shall we begin again?
- Softer consonants?
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
[WHISPERING]
Our host brought four chocolates.
Hello. Sebastian Steed.
No I'd invite you in
if I had more chocolates.
[OLIVER SIGHS]
Oh, my God. You're spying on us.
Of course he is, he owns the internet.
Just stopping by for a drink, Bash?
No. I'm here because
they're investigating you.
Naturally, I've been
having you followed.
I knew you'd try to pin it on me.
Thanks for your robot-like honesty.
You're welcome.
Well, we're really having a party here.
Please, have a seat.
[CHARLES] Whoo!
Who needs champagne?
- [GRUNTING]
- [CORK POPPING]
Oh, I'll have a '97 Bordeaux.
- I don't think I have that.
- [CAMILA] Oh, truly,
any '97 Bordeaux will do.
[SOFTLY CHUCKLES]
I don't have any '97 Bordeaux.
So, I'm noticing three
of the richest people in the world
are here in our little building.
I'm top three, they're top 20.
Sebastian, on many lists I'm four.
Uh, the point is that you all
seem a little nervous
about what our little
investigation has uncovered.
No one's nervous.
We're all here for one reason. Yeah?
Yes. To give you the opportunity
to keep us out of your podcast
before we sue you for libel.
[OLIVER SPITS OUT CHAMPAGNE, CHUCKLES]
Libel, wow. [LAUGHING]
Let's let's just turn down
the temp a tad,
and, uh, let's nibble some caviar
- [SNORTS]
- [JAY CRUNCHING]
[OLIVER] Oh.
[JAY PFLUG] Oops. I'm so sorry.
There really wasn't very much.
It's not libel to say we found you
sniffing around a murder scene.
What do you mean?
The news said that the body was found
hanging from a rack
in his own dry cleaners?
Yes, I I don't know why
you're even looking into this.
I mean, my people say
you do murders in the building.
It's an odd business model,
this "in the building" rule.
Your metrics would improve
with a wider net.
Bash, always be talking metrics.
Well, the dry cleaners
is on the street level,
so technically,
it is "of" the building.
Listen, nobody wants to sue anyone.
We just can't have our names
tied to secret card games
- and dead mobsters, you know?
- [CAMILA] Mm.
My stock crashes, and tens of thousands
of indigenous weavers go hungry.
Because she fires 'em.
Yes, why else would they go hungry?
So, the three of you knew the
"Dry Cleaning King of Brooklyn"?
The dead mobster? Not at all.
I know he owned the gaming parlor.
The mobby shit's always been part
of what makes the place so cool.
What's there to investigate?
A mob hit is very open and shut.
Won't be your best season.
Well, we're also investigating
the death of our doorman.
Did you know him?
I mean, there was a guy
who always covered the door
for the Saturday games.
Uh, gray mustache?
That was Lester.
It was ruled natural causes
because of a fall.
Yes, falls are the leading cause
of injury deaths in the elderly.
- You two, be careful.
- Our Pilates instructor says we have
- the gait stability of 46-year-olds.
- It's true.
[BASH] If you're serious
about age-reversal,
you have to consider
plasma replacement therapy.
I own a stable of teen plasma donors.
We have reason to believe that Nicky
died last week when Lester died.
There were signs that Nicky was frozen.
Someone hid his body to make it
look like they were unrelated.
Oh, you got your hands on the body.
[JAY] Wow.
I mean, can you admit that
on a podcast? That's a felony, right?
I'm sure they went
to the authorities immediately.
[CAMILA] Mm.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mm-hmm. Um, you know what,
let's get you some more caviar.
- Mm. Absolutely.
- Let's get it, I think there's more caviar
- in the kitchen.
- I'm good.
- [OLIVER] We definitely have bologna.
- [CHARLES] And, uh,
I think there's a fresher bottle.
Okay, okay, okay,
I was not prepared for all three.
Are they making veiled threats
or being charming?
I can't tell.
Let's split them up and see
what they say about Jay's finger.
I'll take Jay because we're not old.
And Charles should take Bash
because they're both, well,
what we used to call "the weird kid."
[CLICKING TONGUE] Aw.
Camila! I I just have
a few more questions.
Can I give you a tour?
Fine.
If you can stop yelling,
a tour before dinner.
Dinner! I said we need dinner.
Of course, a party at 7:00
means dinner.
Thank you, Bash! Gimme a hand?
If the servants don't mind.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, the servants aren't gonna mind.
[JAY] Beer?
So, Jay
[CAN POPPING]
How'd you lose the finger?
How'd those two old guys
become your best friends?
Nice.
[PLUCKY CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
So, how well do you know Jay?
Have you have you two
been playing together for long?
All I know about Jay
is he has a tantrum
like a toddler when he loses
- Ooh.
- which is tragic and amusing.
I'm sorry, but every room
- in this house needs me.
- Oh.
Are those the Statler and Waldorf
balconies on your wall?
Ha! Well, I'm I'm a theater director.
[CHUCKLES]
So, you thought, "I should put
theater directing on my walls"?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Well, but, the the beauty of
this place is really its stories.
Uh, like my ex-wife, uh,
loved these drapes,
so I fought to keep them out of spite.
[LAUGHING]
Not necessarily my finest moment,
but, uh, not all the stories
in here are great.
[GASPS] Well, this looks great.
This is great. It's my new wife.
And she moved in to all this?
Uh, well, n Uh, not yet,
but, uh, you know, I mean
[FOOD SIZZLING]
I love duck à l'orange.
During the war
we only had duck at Christmas.
Oh, and and which war was that?
"Three sprigs of parsley."
Uh, I'll chop.
[KNIFE CLINKING]
[KNIFE BANGING]
Haven't cooked in decades.
So, you haven't used
a a cleaver in a while.
You know anybody else who might
have used a cleaver?
- Anybody?
- Isn't it interesting?
None of us will leave behind
written recipes.
Future generations will just have
bookmarks on chef robots.
Yeah, it's, uh it's true, it's sad.
You know, the the times are changing,
especially for us old guys in our
How old did you say you were?
That depends on the organ.
Charles, wallowing takes
six years off your life.
Dorothy Parker told me that.
She took my virginity.
Point is, you're only old
if you don't change with the times.
You know,
technology's helped me stay young.
But reinvention is the real key.
Yeah, that it it takes
a lot of energy keeping up.
Yeah, it does.
Every time I've put a wife in
assisted living and had to start over,
I've had moments of doubt
that I could do it.
But I did.
And you can.
Well, thank you.
Now, how much orange zest
goes in great-gran's
- [KNIFE BANGING]
- [YELPS]
Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[SAUCE SIMMERING]
My great-gran is gone!
It's gone.
- No!
- [PHONE PINGS]
How much orange zest
is in Charles-Haden Savage's
great-gran's duck à l'orange recipe?
[PHONE PINGING]
[CHAT VOICE]
There are one-and-a-half teaspoons
of orange zest in that recipe.
How did it know that?
- [PHONE PINGS]
- Show me Charles-Haden Savage
making duck à l'orange.
[REGIS PHILBIN] [ON PHONE]
That sounds like a lot of zest, Brazzos.
[CHARLES] I'm zesty, Regis.
Yes, you're a multi-talented guy.
I admire guys like that,
that could do more than one thing.
- I just revel in it.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Probably in ten minutes,
something unbelievable is gonna happen.
[REGIS] Why do I think it's gonna be me
making your duck à l'orange?
[CHARLES]
Well, Regis, because you're psychic.
We're gonna take a commercial break
- and make it happen in the next segment.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[VIDEO STOPS]
I forgot I did that.
My great-gran lives on.
Thank you.
This is why I do what I do.
In the right hands, technology
should keep the past alive, preserved,
like I'm preserved every night
floating in my tank of collagen.
[KNIFE BANGING]
- I also had a sad home.
- [OLIVER] Ah.
My first one.
A young girl with a deep love of beauty,
born to a casino magnate
and his former showgirl wife,
raised amidst a sea of hot pink
in Reno.
Eww, so sorry.
The moment I turned 18,
I moved to Connecticut.
- Oh.
- Leaving that home
jump-started my mission
to beautify the world,
and it turned me into a billionaire.
- [GASPS SOFTLY]
- And I started with nothing.
So, are are you saying that
Loretta and I
should start fresh? Get a new place?
- These bones are remarkable.
- Ah.
You just need to change everything.
- [CAN POPPING]
- [JAY SIGHS]
[MABEL] So, uh, come on, the finger?
I gotta know.
[SIGHS]
The only crime I'm guilty of
is being an embarrassing nepo baby
who's trying to do some good
with his ancestors' blood money.
Yeah, and how's that going?
I started my own nonprofit,
hired a CEO,
a friend of mine I trusted,
who then took all the money.
Everyone thinks I'm a swindler,
but really, I'm just shit
at knowing who to trust.
I'm sure it'll happen again.
Then, why keep trying?
Because I wanna prove to everyone
that I'm not a fuck up.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Are you aware of the pop sensation THĒ?
Uh, the "The" girl? Yeah, why?
She is someone I incorrectly trusted.
She couldn't be more frustrating,
and I I can't stop
wanting to impress her.
So, I lied and said we were
getting a deal at Wondify,
and we aren't.
So, now I have to try
to make that happen.
I'm sure it won't.
And I hate myself for that.
[SINGING] Wish that you were me,
bet you wish that you were me ♪
- I will literally kill you.
- [JAY LAUGHS]
She wrote that, I feel like, about me.
[JAY] It's really good. It's catchy.
I was playing with these bozos
the night Nicky died,
but I did not kill anyone.
So, what happened with your finger?
Just another bad decision
in a long line of bad decisions.
[BUBBLY MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER] While we have a quiet moment,
I wanna help you make sure
you stay out of our little story.
But what happened to Jay's finger?
Fine.
The night Lester died,
Nicky showed up with this cleaver.
[KNIFE BANGING]
Wa Was he mad at someone? Maybe Jay?
He was livid and raving
about the film "Goodfellows"?
He had an inordinate amount
of white powder
under his nose.
I'd call it a Snow White white,
or perhaps a Santa's beard white.
He was nuts.
He was gonna hit someone.
I tried to stop him.
I mean, Bash is covered in baby skin,
but he's pretty old.
Well, I tried to calm him down,
but Jay had to be the hero,
and so Nicky "chh!"
chopped off his finger.
[STIFLED CHUCKLE]
I obviously left because of the mess.
And also, it's rude to be
the last to leave a party, so
I told Jay not to escalate, but
chop-chop. Then we all ran out.
There wasn't time to look for it,
which is why I went back.
It'd be nice not to have a finger
floating around, ya know?
You didn't happen to see it
in there, did you?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [OVEN CHIMES]
Okay. Duck à l'orange
is ready in two hours and 45 minutes.
- Who's hungry?
- I don't eat after 11 a.m.,
but have we answered
all your questions?
Well, yes, I learned that Nicky
chopped off Jay's finger,
and then Bash, Camila, and Jay ran out.
- [MABEL] Yeah, that's what Jay said.
- [OLIVER] And Lester and Nicky
were still alive, so
Huh, look at you two
not lying to pin it on me.
- You do care.
- Case closed.
And now that we've cleared this up,
I trust I won't hear my name
on future episodes.
Okay, duck à l'orange
in two hours and 44 minutes.
Ah. [SUCKING TEETH] Next time.
Forgot I have some friends
coming over to do some rock climbing.
Mabel
thanks.
It was a really nice talk.
Touching food again was pleasant.
[DOOR OPENS]
Enjoy the remodel.
[OLIVER] Wait, what remodel?
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Wow, this really is much better.
[CHARLES] How did we not hear anything?
She's a home decor witch!
[MABEL SIGHS]
[CUTLERY CLINKING]
[MOUTH FULL] This is better.
The hot glue fumes
from my apartment
jump-started my hangover.
Does champagne expire?
Oh, you should really
lay off the alcohol.
Uh, Bash says it inflames your enzymes.
Now, which war would you think
was going on
when Dorothy Parker
was in her sexual prime?
First sexual prime, or second?
How crazy is it that we have
Jay Pflug's finger in your freezer?
At least we figured that out.
So, we're gonna believe these three?
Oh, please, Camila is no killer.
Although, I felt like I was spending
a couple of hours
with a cross between Ann-Margret
and Nanette Fabray, so I almost died.
[LAUGHING, BARKING]
Jay didn't do it.
He was just trying to protect everyone.
He's, um sweeter than I expected.
Mabel
did your eyelashes just flutter?
Oliver, Jay makes
Mabel's eyelashes flutter.
No, I'm n
Shut up, I'm not fluttering.
It's just maybe we should
give him his finger back.
Crushing on a suspect, Mabel?
This is really a Charles storyline,
- isn't it?
- Ugh.
- [EMAIL NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
- If both of you couple up,
that leaves me birding with Vince,
or getting a drink with a robot.
[GASPS] Oh, my God, you guys,
Wondify wants to sign us.
- [GASPS]
- They said that they would love to have us
come see the studio and become part
of the Wondify family.
- Your email worked!
- You're kidding.
Oh, take that, THĒ.
[IN VALLEY GIRL ACCENT]
Whoa, wish that you were us, bitch!
[NORMAL] Whoa, I didn't mean
for that to come out.
Wish that you were us, ma'am.
- I'm very excited.
- [CHUCKLES] Me too.
[BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
- [OFFICE PHONES RINGING]
[CLAPPING] Welcome, OMITB!
Congratulations, you have
a beautiful baby podcast.
Oh, we're so excited.
Let me give you a tour, okay?
I love the stripes.
- [OLIVER] Oh, thanks.
- It's fab.
Some of our smaller studios
are that way.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
Those are the Drunk Sluts.
Such champs,
recorded seven episodes today.
- [KNOCKING]
- [DRUNK SLUT 1] Oh my God
You're killin' it, ladies!
- [DRUNK SLUT 1] Hi!
- [DRUNK SLUT 2] Ah!
[PODCAST EXECUTIVE] Okay.
[MUFFLED CHATTER]
- This is your studio.
- [CHARLES ] Whoa. What?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHING] Oh, really?
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- [CHARLES LAUGHING]
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- [CHARLES] Thank you. Oh, water.
[OLIVER] Hello, how are you?
- [EXECUTIVE] Oh, your camera operator.
- Hi.
- [EXECUTIVE] Your engineer.
- Hi.
- [MABEL] Hi.
- Look at the awards.
- It's insane.
- Okay, uh, this'll do. [CHUCKLES]
[EXECUTIVE] Okay.
So, per the contract,
we'll relaunch you
with a month-long stint
on our welcome page.
- [CHARLES] Uh-huh.
- I told your lawyer between makeup lines
and elder safety devices,
you're an advertising juggernaut.
Well, the timing couldn't be better.
I mean, considering who
we're investigating,
we could use a little extra firepower.
And it's a cast of characters
you dream of.
You know, an an adulterous mob wife.
Sebastian Steed and Camila White
running for their lives
after a mobster chops off
Jay Pflug's finger.
Incredible. Just one thing
[MABEL] Sorry. Guys?
Which way do your pointers curve?
They point away from each other.
- Huh, never noticed that.
- [OLIVER] Yeah.
Jay lost his right finger.
The finger we have curves left.
That lying piece of shit.
- This isn't his finger.
- So, who Whose finger is it?
You mean, they were lying
when they told us what happened?
[OLIVER] They had gotten
their stories straight.
Someone else
was in the room that night,
someone that Lester
didn't put in his little bird ledger.
Well, I'm ready to start recording.
I'm gonna take
that little nepo baby down.
Wow, what a twist.
Just keep in mind the restrictions of
the corporate machine we have here.
Sorry? What restrictions?
Well, per the contract you just signed,
you're unable to podcast
about management of the company.
Conflict of interest.
And we have new majority stakeholders
as of very recently.
Um, who?
[DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMILA] The easiest way to win a game
is to make your opponent
think they're playing
a different game entirely.
- I confided in Jay.
- They joined forces.
They're all dirty.
[BASH] While focused on that game,
your opponent may give you
just what you need
to win the real prize.
Oh God, don't worry.
If eliminating those three
takes the teeth out of this story,
your deal can be rolled
to any other podcast ideas.
You know, you're family now,
and will remain exclusively so
for three years.
[DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING]
By the time they realize
what you've done
game's over.
[ELEVATOR DOORS THUD]
sync & corrections awaqeded
[LIGHT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]