Shoresy (2022) s05e04 Episode Script
Practice How You Play
1
And I'm joined by the coach
of the EU All-Star team,
Teppo Maki.
Teppo, welcome to Sudbury.
What do you think
of Northern Ontario?
(Teppo): Fentanyl problem.
-Indisputable.
-But any highlights?
Bus broken into twice.
I believe it. But the city
is not without its charm.
Can't be worse than Edmonton.
-No comment.
-You've just concluded
your North American run.
How would you describe it?
-Fun.
-Fair.
Your team was a perfect 8 and 0.
Outscoring your opponents
71 to 9 along the way.
-That was a statement.
-So was that.
What's been the key
to your success here?
-We don't get hit.
-Well, you've got a big team.
That hasn't mattered.
I thought it would be
advantageous to bring big men
who could withstand punishment,
but I could have done this
with little girls.
-Now that is a statement.
-It's certain that girls
would bring more emotion
to the game
than our opponents here brought.
Okay, last question.
What made you decide to extend
the tour an extra game
-with the NOSHO North Stars?
-The promise of a challenge.
By general manager, Nat,
I'm assuming?
-I don't know her name.
-That tracks.
We gain nothing
if we return home untested.
I want at least one really good
battle for my men.
One really good fight.
Careful what you wish for.
I've been following
the Northern Ontario
Senior Hockey Organization
for quite some time now,
-and they battle here.
-Yeah?
They fight.
We are not scared of them.
-Hear that, Shoresy?
-They're not scared of you.
("Eden" by Juelz
feat. Fussy playing")
Uncover me my precious sweet ♪
Hallowed hide ♪
My disbelief
in the unseen shadows hide ♪
I found my place
in the garden ♪
Among the snakes
in the darkness ♪
My desperate for belonging ♪
Above the stakes ♪
I found my place
in the madness ♪
I seek a way
through the labyrinth ♪
Open the gate
silver platters ♪
I'm gonna take ♪
I found my place
in the darkness ♪
(upbeat electronic
music playing)
I found my place
in the garden ♪
Among ♪
(music stops)
(Nat): Six o'clock
in the morning!?
Or ten o'clock at night.
We've got the European
All-Stars in town
and the only ice
you've got for us
is six o'clock in the morning?
-Or ten o'clock at night?
-What the fuck is that?
When the NOSHO folded,
I told you we'd have to give
your weekly ice times
to someone else.
-Yeah.
-And that once it was gone,
it would be really hard
to get back.
-Yeah.
-But you still assumed
that you could get your old
ice times back
at the drop of a hat?
(all): Yeah.
I know you guys have
deep roots in the arena,
but this is a community centre.
We house major junior hockey,
semi-pro basketball.
We just took on
an entire church league.
The one that got banned from
the outdoor rink in Westmount?
Yeah. Those guys
play like psychos.
But they have ice and we don't?
Community centre.
Oh my God, did she just
repeat community centre
with added emphasis on
We have hockey,
we have basketball,
we have musical touring acts
that we can't just bump.
-Like who?
-April Lavigne.
Avril Lavigne?
April. It's a tribute act.
National champs and now
we're backseat to cover bands.
I want to do a warm-up game
against the Apeldoorns.
Is six o'clock in the morning
the only option for that too?
Or ten o'clock at night.
(whistle screeches)
(Cory): Fuckin' terrible call.
(Shoresy): Oh, you wanna talk
about a terrible call?
Your mom FaceTimed me
when I was watching videos
on my phone with Liam's mom.
Should download Duolingo
on there for when the Euros
skate circles around ya
in six languages.
-Heard the EU's game plan.
-Fee, fi, fo, fum,
stick it straight up
Shoresy's bum.
EU outscored opponents 71-9
but here come
the NOSHO North Stars.
-Woo!
-Woo!
You're just old as fuck, eh?
Gonna get us kicked out of NATO
for not contributing
anything on defence.
-What's up later?
-Put on a ball game,
-fall asleep in the recliner?
-Anything concerning
come up in your bloodwork,
or what?
Get into any good soups lately?
Let's loosen that up a bit bud.
I know circulation's
a problem at your age.
You a bisque or a chowder guy?
Want me to show you
how to enlarge
the font size on your phone,
you old fart?
-Oh, I'm old.
-What?
I didn't wanna tell you this,
Cor.
I knew your mom was old,
but did you know that she lost
her virginity
at the Calgary Olympics?
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Which is crazy
'cause Liam's mom lost hers
to a luger in Lillehammer.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Liam.
Your mom calls me Daddy so much
I feel like I should be
taking you out to the yard to
throw the old pig skin around.
-Fuck you.
-Don't talk to your father like that.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Uh-oh, smells like your mom
washed your jersey
with our bedsheets.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fucked your mom
on your 101 Dalmatians
bedsheets last night, Liam.
-Fuck you.
-Yeah, she was Dalmatian 102.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Cory.
I bench pressed your mom
40 reps.
Now she wants me to do it
all the time.
I'm like, leave me alone,
my ice cream's melting.
-(Liam): Fuck you.
-Your mom says come to the bedroom, I'm horny.
I go in there,
she's eating sunflower seeds.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Cory.
I get it, your mom loves
body shots,
but not at Chuck E Cheese.
Like, have some decorum.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Liam.
I told your mom Cory's mom
could open a pop-off
with her teeth so she learned
how to open a twist off
with her twat.
(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Cory. Your mom
sticks so many toys up her ass,
I call her anal fissure price.
Hey Liam, can you give your mom
her heartworm medication for me?
But make sure you wrap it
in a treat
or she'll spit it
right back out.
I hope the EU kills you guys.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
Liam,
but I just found out your mom's
got more kills than me.
Fuck you!
I'm not having a good day.
Fair warning.
Tomorrow night we play
a warm-up game
against the Apeldoorns.
Don't wear that stupid
tracksuit, slut.
There's only eight Apeldoorns.
Sixteen on the roster.
Well then, what big
Dutch farm boys
are they bringin'
to the 'Bur? Blankenbiller?
-No.
-Klumpenhouwer?
-No.
-De Bardeladen?
-(Miig): No.
-Schowengerdtner?
-(Miig): No.
-Van Zandermeulen?
-(Miig): No.
-De Rentmeester?
-(Miig): No.
-Van Benschoten?
No.
Well then they must be bringing
-Sollenbergerstadt.
-Why do you care?
Because I'm the fuckin'
coach, idiot.
You're not the coach
until you actually
coach, idiot.
Fuck you Ziig,
you fuckin' ovulater.
None of those guys
are on the list.
Well then,
who are they bringin'?
-Berkenbosch.
-No.
-Van den Heide.
-No.
-Meulenbelt.
-No.
-Baarsma.
-No.
-(Miig): Engelbrecht.
-No.
-(Miig): Nieuwenkamp.
-No!
-(Miig): Westhuizen.
-No!
-(Miig): Van Amelsvoort.
-Fuck no!
-Why not?
-'Cause those are the smallest
Dutchmen in the north.
We need big fuckin' tree-like
Dutchmen if we're gonna be ready
for the fuckin' redwoods
on the EU.
Then who, slut?
-Du Kneynsberg.
-Yup.
-(Shoresy): Maarschalkerweerd.
-Yup.
-Boekbinder.
-Yup.
-Donkervoort.
-Yup.
-Stamsnider.
-(Miig): Yup.
-Prinsen Geerlig.
-(Miig): Yup.
-Swellengrebel.
-(Miig): Yup.
-And Heemskirk.
-Done.
-Who they got in net?
-Boomsma.
See if you can get Jonker.
Deal, if you don't wear
the tracksuit.
Just get the boys gelling
for the main event
in a couple nights.
-Done.
-(Nat): Get your legs under ya
for the game with the Apeldoorns
but keep plenty
-in the tank for the EU.
-Duh.
And please don't wear that
tracksuit, seriously.
I won't.
Okay. Game starts
at ten PM sharp.
Looking forward to it.
That'll be all.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks very much.
-Wait.
-What?
-Huh?
-(Ziig): Huh?
What are you talking about?
She said that'll be all, slut.
-Game starts at ten PM?
-Yeah.
What fuckin' hockey game
that isn't div 22 beer league
starts at ten PM?
The NOSHO vs the Apeldoorns
and then the EU.
-Are you fuckin' deaf?
-Nat!
I told you I wasn't
having a good day.
Why isn't the game
starting 'til ten PM?
Because that's all
the city would give us.
That's all the city
would give us?
Ten o'clock at night?
Or six o'clock in the morning.
We've been here
for like 50 years.
-When the NOSHO folded
-We set league records.
-This is a community centre.
-We just won the country here.
It's not just
the other sports teams,
-it's a whole rig-a-marole.
-And now we can't get
a 7:30 start on a Sudbury
Saturday night?
There's musical acts
they just can't bump.
-Like who?
-April Lavigne.
Avril Lavigne?
April.
It's a tribute act.
I'm Jory Jordan and this
is the Sudbury Kids Sport Report
Europa Edition.
I'm here with EU All-Stars
Carl Cederstrom, Gabo Ruzicka,
and Aki Hakohrju.
A Swede, a Finn,
and a Slovak walk into a bar
And they're glad it's not
a restaurant,
'cause the food
over there sucks.
Carl, you're an NHL drafted
Swedish goalie
with an Olympic gold medal.
You're battle tested
in high-pressure situations.
How does it feel playing
in Sudbury, Ontario
with nothing
on the line whatsoever?
-Ya, thank you.
-You're from Stockholm,
a place famous for the syndrome
that keeps victims attached
to their captors.
How's your wife, by the way?
-Ya.
-Let's go to Gabo.
Slovakia's known for churning
out lumbering defencemen
like Zdeno Chara
and Erik Cernak.
You're a towering
blue-liner yourself.
Describe for me the sense
of pride that brings you
in a country otherwise known
for nothing at all.
-Yes.
-Slovakia borders Czechia
and Slovenia. Tell me,
which one's home
to Count Chocula?
And finally, Aki Hakohrju.
Aki, hey, how are you?
Happy, are you?
Aki, Finland's famous
for its saunas,
and infamous for its alcoholism.
Tell me,
what generation booze bag
are you?
We got a fan question
from all the way in Gothenburg.
Anders Forsling asks,
how many Finnish lagers
does it take to accept
Sweden's dominance over you?
Last question here, guys, and
we'll get you guys on your way.
The NOSHO North Stars
will first face off
against the eight Apeldoorn
brothers from Timmins.
Will you tune in to see
the result of generations
and generations of inbreeding,
or do you see enough
of that at home?
I'm Jory Jordan with
the Sudbury Kids Sport Report
Europa Edition reminding you
that "Nordic"
is just a letter or two away
from "no dick."
("Go! (George Daniel Remix)"
(by Salute playing)
-Ten o'clock at night?
-Or six o'clock in the morning.
Well, I never heard nothin'
so bad as that.
Settle down.
We don't got our regular time,
we don't got our regular room.
(in French): Don't shoot
the messenger, Hitch.
(in English): After doin'
so good as what we done.
(Goody): We did unbelievable.
Enough to make ya
fall on your knees, b'y.
(in French): Okay, handsome man.
(Hitch, in English):
Lordy jumpin' Josephina.
No, this is no good
anyway, b'ys.
(electronic music continues)
(electronic music continues)
(music continues, muffled)
-What?
-You're not pissing.
Why are you mad, bro?
'Cause I was gonna come up
behind you
-and bash your head off the wall.
-While I was pissing?
-Yeah it's called a potty kiss.
-That's psycho, dude.
Well, that's what I have to do
to win fights, fight dirty.
-You wanna fight me?
-Guess I have to now.
-Let's go outside.
-No, let's stay in here.
(Loic): You want to fight
in the bathroom?
Yeah, less room for you
to use your reach.
Less people to see me
get pumped.
(door opens)
-Oops.
-Melanie?
-Melodie.
-Wrong door.
-No, stay.
-I'm not banging you
with someone else in here.
Oh, I thought
you were just friends.
-Dolo and I
-I don't care what you are.
-It's none of my business.
-You're right.
And who can keep up
with you weirdos, anyway.
-He wants to fight me.
-You want to fight him?
Well, it's not gonna be
much of a fight.
-He's a fuckin' giraffe.
-Why?
'Cause I want
our dressing room back.
If you win the fight,
you get your dressing room back?
-I'm not gonna win the fight.
-He's a fuckin' brontosaurus!
-You want the room?
-The room,
like it's not our fuckin' room.
-Come to a game.
-What game?
-(Loic): Our game.
-Huh?
Sudbury 5.
You're called the Sudbury 5?
-(Loic): Yeah.
-So dumb.
-What?
-The Sudbury 5 sounds like
what a newspaper would call,
like, some fuckin'
killers awaiting trial.
-No, it doesn't.
-It does a bit.
The Sudbury 5 sounds like
some fuckin' bodies
pulled from a lake.
Look we haven't won
anything yet.
-People here don't care about us.
-Well,
one does by the looks of it.
(Loic): But you guys have won.
People know you,
people love you.
If they see you out
supporting us, they'll care.
Good deal, Shoresy.
I'll ask Santiago and Jorge
to give the room
a good once over
before you go in.
You mean Santiago
and "George?"
-It's Jorge.
-I thought it was, like,
George but spelled with a J.
You're an idiot.
You know their names, eh?
Trying to build a winning
culture here, man.
-Deal.
-Deal.
(Nat): You got us the room.
That's wonderful.
That will be very nice
for everyone.
Why are you talking about it
like it's bringing a box
of Timbits
to a fuckin' bible study?
But the game will no longer
be played at ten PM.
-Then when?
-The only other option, idiot.
-Six AM?
-(mocking): Six AM?
-There's not enough players.
-The Apeldoorns
can't make a ten PM game?
-The Apeldoorns can.
-It's the other guys.
Holy fuck!
You wanted Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig,
-Swellengrebel, and Heemskirk.
-Yeah.
-Then it's six AM.
-I don't wanna play at six AM.
Then you shouldn't have said
no to Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen,
and Van Amelsvoort.
-What about the usual guys?
-Who?
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
-and Sollenbergerstadt.
-They couldn't play
at ten PM or six AM.
-So it's fuckin' six AM?
-If you want Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel,
and Heemskirk.
No one wants to play at six AM.
Then you shouldn't have said
no to Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen,
and Van Amelsvoort!
And you're sure you can't
get the other guys?
The other guys
as in the usual guys?
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
-and Sollenbergerstadt.
-You said Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen
and Van Amelsvoort
-were too small.
-Yeah.
You asked for bigger guys:
Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel,
and Heemskirk.
-Yeah.
-If that's who you want
Yeah, if we can't get
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
and Sollenbergerstadt.
We can't.
See you at six AM.
(Laura): Don't worry,
he's just working a bit late.
(Ben, over phone): Yeah,
he texted me.
Call if he isn't home
in a half hour.
(Ben): I can never get
the TV working.
-He'll be there soon.
-(Ben): Okay. Good night.
-Love you.
-(Ben): Love you.
-Night, big boy!
-(Ben): Night, Shoresy.
-Night.
-(phone clicks)
So they gave away
your dressing room.
-Mm-hmm.
-They gave away your ice times.
-Yup.
-But Nat still gets to keep
her office? How do you figure?
'Cause broads get whatever
they want these days.
-Don't you read the news?
-Shit end of the stick
for Jill in all this.
She had to come in and say,
"So your league folded, welp,
get the fuck outta here."
Someone had to break it to us.
She's pretty hot, eh?
What do you wanna do about it?
That rink isn't even gonna
be there that much longer,
ever think about that?
(Shoresy): Don't be a bully.
Life goes on.
Just didn't think they'd
forget about us this fast.
Well, you'd better get over it.
You've got a game to play
in like five hours.
You wanna get under the covers?
I don't think I can tonight.
Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.
Got a lot on my mind, you know?
(whispers): I feel so ugly
right now.
(laughs)
("Scenario" by
A Tribe Called Quest playing)
Here we go yo, here we go yo ♪
So what, so what
so what's the scenario ♪
(Miig): You were serious
about that track suit, eh?
-It's a serious track suit.
-I said not to wear it,
-and you said
-It's a different tracksuit.
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is. It's lighter.
-That's hibiscus blue.
-This is a dark Celeste.
-Ya think?
-And the last one
-was a robin's egg blue.
-It's a bleu de France.
-So dumb.
-Looks more like
-a Laguna teal to me.
-Is everybody here?
-Everyone except Delaney.
-Huh?
(Delaney): Yo!
You're late!
I'm right on time, cappy-tan.
If you're not ten minutes
early, you're late.
He smells like a distillery.
(Nat): You smell like
the beer store.
He smells fuckin' disgusting.
Everything alright here,
Shoresy?
(Shoresy): Oh what,
you never seen a stripper
at a hockey game before, Kyle?
(Kyle): Once in the Soo, actually.
-Have you even slept?
-I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Get the fuck outta here,
Delaney.
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuckin' loser.
I fought three basketball
players to be on this team.
Playing guilty
is a performance enhancer.
-I like this guy.
-Just say bye
-to your friends and get dressed.
-I still owe them 80 bucks
and well, they have to stay
with me 'til I've paid them.
-(Nat sighs)
-Oh, my God.
-Well, don't give him money.
-He's not gonna learn anything.
Then what do you wanna do?
They have to stay with him
'til he's paid them?
-Yep.
-Then they stay with him.
I'll give ya 80 bucks
for a goal. Go get dressed.
-(Nat, Miig, Delaney): With them?
-No, with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Go get fuckin' dressed.
Yo, the Apeldoorns
don't have a goalie.
-Where's Jonker?
-Couldn't get out of chores.
-And Boomsma?
-He's the one who wouldn't
-let Jonker out of chores.
-Well did ya try calling
-Everyone, yes.
-No one picked up.
-No one?
-It's five in the fuckin'
morning, slut. And what's
with the pastel rain blue?
-(Miig snickers)
-What is it?
-It's bluebonnet.
-Fine, our back-up
-plays with the Apeldoorns.
-No, he's too small.
We need someone big
like the EU goalie.
-Why?
-(Morris): Practice how you play.
Might not play at all.
(Morris): Cederstrom's here.
(Shoresy): Well, we can't ask
the EU goalie to play
for the Apeldoorns
at the warm-up game.
-You need a big goalie.
-Yeah.
There's one right there.
Cederstrom!
Cederstrom.
-His English is bad.
-Speak to me.
-We don't have a goalie.
-In Finland,
it's polite to introduce
yourself before you speak.
-Fuck outta here.
-I'm Shoresy. This is my brother Mo.
-Teppo Maki.
-Tuna maki.
-I coach the EU.
-(Morris): Sushi maki.
This is Carl Cederstrom,
Gabo Ruzicka, and Aki Hakohrju.
You don't have a goalie?
-No, we have a goalie.
-The other team doesn't.
-(Teppo): Okay.
-So, if we don't find a goalie,
-we can't play.
-Put your back-up in.
-He's like 5'5".
-(Teppo): Yes.
So, Cederstrom's like 6'8".
2.03 metres, yes.
We want our guys shooting
on a big boy.
-(Teppo): Why?
-Practice how you play.
What if he gets hurt?
-He won't get hurt.
-What if you get hurt?
-Yes, thank you.
-Look, we'll
We won't touch him.
We'll test him,
but we won't touch him.
This would be
a foolish decision.
You said you wanted a challenge.
-Yes.
-You said you gain nothing
if you go home untested.
(Teppo): Yes.
-Put the big boy in net.
-You'll get your test.
Your word you won't run him.
This is so fuckin' embarrassing.
-You gonna play him or not?
-Your word.
-(hands clap together)
-You got it.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's six o'clock
in the morning.
We're in the Sudbury 5
dressing room.
The other team
didn't bring a goalie.
And there's two strippers here.
Put your fuckin' hand down
Delaney,
or I'll boot ya
straight in the head.
Now, we got that big cunt
Cederstrom in net tonight.
-This morning.
-Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
Let's put
(phone buzzing)
(upbeat ringtone playing)
Sorry.
Let's put a ton of rubber
on Cederstrom.
I wanna see him
going down-up, down-up,
-down-up all day.
-I don't care if he's got
an Olympic gold cock, he gets
tired like the rest of us.
(Shoresy): Yeah, wear him out.
He'll start makin' mistakes.
-Hit him with a ton of shots.
-Yes, but under no circumstances
do you hit him with
your stick or your body.
All right?
No fuckin' digging out pucks,
no short cuts
through the crease,
no forechecking him hard
when he's behind the net.
Do not touch him. Not this game.
-Hmm.
-Who said that?
Well don't everybody
all answer at once.
-Sylvestri.
-Huh?
-It was Sly.
-Him?
-Yeah.
-The Jims are tattlers, eh?
-You said "hmm?"
-I did.
-(Shoresy): Huh?
-I said "hmm."
-Why'd you say "hmm?"
-I might run him.
But I just said don't run him.
Still, I might run him.
But I just said don't run him.
-I can't help myself.
-Sometimes it just happens.
Well, it's not as if it's
fuckin' premature ejaculation.
I know sitting here
right now, I shouldn't,
but put a hockey stick
in my hand,
and I become a completely
different person.
(sighs)
(Shoresy): I'd argue,
but The Great One himself
acknowledged people like you.
To me.
When I met him. Wayne Gretzky.
A gentleman. As you'd expect.
Now, for the rest of you
Use this game
to play your roles.
Do what you do best.
Cuz, you're gonna have to do it
your absolute best
if we're going to beat
the Euros.
-What do you think, Mo?
-Keep it simple.
-(Shoresy): How do we that, Dolo?
-Kill some guys.
-(Shoresy): Goody?
-Score some goals.
-What do you think, Hitch?
-Make sure they never forgets
-who we are, b'ys.
-Boys, we're gonna have
-the Euros in the stands tonight.
-It's this morning.
-Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
-Okay.
Let's make sure they know
what they're in for next game.
All right?
-Yeah.
-Let's show 'em who we are.
-Yeah.
-All right? Let's fuckin' go.
-(clapping and cheering)
-Here we go, boys!
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
-Ice isn't ready.
-What?
The tractor hasn't
even gone on yet.
It's like five to six.
Well, Kev doesn't
get in 'til six.
Fuck.
Well, how much time do we have?
-I'd say ten minutes.
-Huh?
-I'd say a good ten minutes.
-Hmm.
(fart squeaks)
("Hotride" by The Prodigy
playing)
(rhythmic music)
(rhythmic music continues)
(rhythmic music continues)
(buzzer honks)
(Nat): Nail biter.
(Shoresy): Barn burner.
Could only get one in
on the Apeldoorns.
Nothing to see here.
Everything's fine.
Would have loved to give
the hometown fans
-something to cheer for.
-Oh, quit whining. Get over it.
They were electric.
Who do you expect
to come to a six AM game?
-Someone.
-An exhibition game.
-One or two people.
-Really?
Yes, I expected one or two.
But no one.
Just like that, we're history.
We won't be playing the EU here.
-What?
-Not at six AM or ten PM,
that's for damn sure.
-Well then where?
-I'll figure something out.
Go home and get out
of that stupid track suit.
-It's iconic.
-Put on something nice
-for the Sudbury 5 game.
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
Time to hold up your end
of the bargain, coach.
-Not tonight.
-Come on.
The Sudbury 5 sounds like
a fuckin' motel attached
to a gas station.
-(chuckling)
-Let's just get it over with.
(dramatic horn music)
(Nat): Told you they'd have
a good crowd.
Something to remind you
of the good old days.
(Shoresy): Yeah,
just like old times.
(Nat): Thanks for ditching
the cornflower blue.
(Shoresy): It's ultramarine.
-(crowd cheering)
-Hey, it's the Bulldogs.
Yeah, boys!
-Let's go! Smash the EU!
-You know what to do!
(spirited cheering)
("Fear" by Godford playing)
(cheering continues)
(electronic music)
There they are.
Forgot to tell you.
I found us a venue for the game.
What rink?
An outdoor one.
(electronic music continues)
And I'm joined by the coach
of the EU All-Star team,
Teppo Maki.
Teppo, welcome to Sudbury.
What do you think
of Northern Ontario?
(Teppo): Fentanyl problem.
-Indisputable.
-But any highlights?
Bus broken into twice.
I believe it. But the city
is not without its charm.
Can't be worse than Edmonton.
-No comment.
-You've just concluded
your North American run.
How would you describe it?
-Fun.
-Fair.
Your team was a perfect 8 and 0.
Outscoring your opponents
71 to 9 along the way.
-That was a statement.
-So was that.
What's been the key
to your success here?
-We don't get hit.
-Well, you've got a big team.
That hasn't mattered.
I thought it would be
advantageous to bring big men
who could withstand punishment,
but I could have done this
with little girls.
-Now that is a statement.
-It's certain that girls
would bring more emotion
to the game
than our opponents here brought.
Okay, last question.
What made you decide to extend
the tour an extra game
-with the NOSHO North Stars?
-The promise of a challenge.
By general manager, Nat,
I'm assuming?
-I don't know her name.
-That tracks.
We gain nothing
if we return home untested.
I want at least one really good
battle for my men.
One really good fight.
Careful what you wish for.
I've been following
the Northern Ontario
Senior Hockey Organization
for quite some time now,
-and they battle here.
-Yeah?
They fight.
We are not scared of them.
-Hear that, Shoresy?
-They're not scared of you.
("Eden" by Juelz
feat. Fussy playing")
Uncover me my precious sweet ♪
Hallowed hide ♪
My disbelief
in the unseen shadows hide ♪
I found my place
in the garden ♪
Among the snakes
in the darkness ♪
My desperate for belonging ♪
Above the stakes ♪
I found my place
in the madness ♪
I seek a way
through the labyrinth ♪
Open the gate
silver platters ♪
I'm gonna take ♪
I found my place
in the darkness ♪
(upbeat electronic
music playing)
I found my place
in the garden ♪
Among ♪
(music stops)
(Nat): Six o'clock
in the morning!?
Or ten o'clock at night.
We've got the European
All-Stars in town
and the only ice
you've got for us
is six o'clock in the morning?
-Or ten o'clock at night?
-What the fuck is that?
When the NOSHO folded,
I told you we'd have to give
your weekly ice times
to someone else.
-Yeah.
-And that once it was gone,
it would be really hard
to get back.
-Yeah.
-But you still assumed
that you could get your old
ice times back
at the drop of a hat?
(all): Yeah.
I know you guys have
deep roots in the arena,
but this is a community centre.
We house major junior hockey,
semi-pro basketball.
We just took on
an entire church league.
The one that got banned from
the outdoor rink in Westmount?
Yeah. Those guys
play like psychos.
But they have ice and we don't?
Community centre.
Oh my God, did she just
repeat community centre
with added emphasis on
We have hockey,
we have basketball,
we have musical touring acts
that we can't just bump.
-Like who?
-April Lavigne.
Avril Lavigne?
April. It's a tribute act.
National champs and now
we're backseat to cover bands.
I want to do a warm-up game
against the Apeldoorns.
Is six o'clock in the morning
the only option for that too?
Or ten o'clock at night.
(whistle screeches)
(Cory): Fuckin' terrible call.
(Shoresy): Oh, you wanna talk
about a terrible call?
Your mom FaceTimed me
when I was watching videos
on my phone with Liam's mom.
Should download Duolingo
on there for when the Euros
skate circles around ya
in six languages.
-Heard the EU's game plan.
-Fee, fi, fo, fum,
stick it straight up
Shoresy's bum.
EU outscored opponents 71-9
but here come
the NOSHO North Stars.
-Woo!
-Woo!
You're just old as fuck, eh?
Gonna get us kicked out of NATO
for not contributing
anything on defence.
-What's up later?
-Put on a ball game,
-fall asleep in the recliner?
-Anything concerning
come up in your bloodwork,
or what?
Get into any good soups lately?
Let's loosen that up a bit bud.
I know circulation's
a problem at your age.
You a bisque or a chowder guy?
Want me to show you
how to enlarge
the font size on your phone,
you old fart?
-Oh, I'm old.
-What?
I didn't wanna tell you this,
Cor.
I knew your mom was old,
but did you know that she lost
her virginity
at the Calgary Olympics?
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Which is crazy
'cause Liam's mom lost hers
to a luger in Lillehammer.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Liam.
Your mom calls me Daddy so much
I feel like I should be
taking you out to the yard to
throw the old pig skin around.
-Fuck you.
-Don't talk to your father like that.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Uh-oh, smells like your mom
washed your jersey
with our bedsheets.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fucked your mom
on your 101 Dalmatians
bedsheets last night, Liam.
-Fuck you.
-Yeah, she was Dalmatian 102.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Cory.
I bench pressed your mom
40 reps.
Now she wants me to do it
all the time.
I'm like, leave me alone,
my ice cream's melting.
-(Liam): Fuck you.
-Your mom says come to the bedroom, I'm horny.
I go in there,
she's eating sunflower seeds.
-(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Cory.
I get it, your mom loves
body shots,
but not at Chuck E Cheese.
Like, have some decorum.
-(Liam): Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuck you, Liam.
I told your mom Cory's mom
could open a pop-off
with her teeth so she learned
how to open a twist off
with her twat.
(Cory): Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Cory. Your mom
sticks so many toys up her ass,
I call her anal fissure price.
Hey Liam, can you give your mom
her heartworm medication for me?
But make sure you wrap it
in a treat
or she'll spit it
right back out.
I hope the EU kills you guys.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
Liam,
but I just found out your mom's
got more kills than me.
Fuck you!
I'm not having a good day.
Fair warning.
Tomorrow night we play
a warm-up game
against the Apeldoorns.
Don't wear that stupid
tracksuit, slut.
There's only eight Apeldoorns.
Sixteen on the roster.
Well then, what big
Dutch farm boys
are they bringin'
to the 'Bur? Blankenbiller?
-No.
-Klumpenhouwer?
-No.
-De Bardeladen?
-(Miig): No.
-Schowengerdtner?
-(Miig): No.
-Van Zandermeulen?
-(Miig): No.
-De Rentmeester?
-(Miig): No.
-Van Benschoten?
No.
Well then they must be bringing
-Sollenbergerstadt.
-Why do you care?
Because I'm the fuckin'
coach, idiot.
You're not the coach
until you actually
coach, idiot.
Fuck you Ziig,
you fuckin' ovulater.
None of those guys
are on the list.
Well then,
who are they bringin'?
-Berkenbosch.
-No.
-Van den Heide.
-No.
-Meulenbelt.
-No.
-Baarsma.
-No.
-(Miig): Engelbrecht.
-No.
-(Miig): Nieuwenkamp.
-No!
-(Miig): Westhuizen.
-No!
-(Miig): Van Amelsvoort.
-Fuck no!
-Why not?
-'Cause those are the smallest
Dutchmen in the north.
We need big fuckin' tree-like
Dutchmen if we're gonna be ready
for the fuckin' redwoods
on the EU.
Then who, slut?
-Du Kneynsberg.
-Yup.
-(Shoresy): Maarschalkerweerd.
-Yup.
-Boekbinder.
-Yup.
-Donkervoort.
-Yup.
-Stamsnider.
-(Miig): Yup.
-Prinsen Geerlig.
-(Miig): Yup.
-Swellengrebel.
-(Miig): Yup.
-And Heemskirk.
-Done.
-Who they got in net?
-Boomsma.
See if you can get Jonker.
Deal, if you don't wear
the tracksuit.
Just get the boys gelling
for the main event
in a couple nights.
-Done.
-(Nat): Get your legs under ya
for the game with the Apeldoorns
but keep plenty
-in the tank for the EU.
-Duh.
And please don't wear that
tracksuit, seriously.
I won't.
Okay. Game starts
at ten PM sharp.
Looking forward to it.
That'll be all.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks very much.
-Wait.
-What?
-Huh?
-(Ziig): Huh?
What are you talking about?
She said that'll be all, slut.
-Game starts at ten PM?
-Yeah.
What fuckin' hockey game
that isn't div 22 beer league
starts at ten PM?
The NOSHO vs the Apeldoorns
and then the EU.
-Are you fuckin' deaf?
-Nat!
I told you I wasn't
having a good day.
Why isn't the game
starting 'til ten PM?
Because that's all
the city would give us.
That's all the city
would give us?
Ten o'clock at night?
Or six o'clock in the morning.
We've been here
for like 50 years.
-When the NOSHO folded
-We set league records.
-This is a community centre.
-We just won the country here.
It's not just
the other sports teams,
-it's a whole rig-a-marole.
-And now we can't get
a 7:30 start on a Sudbury
Saturday night?
There's musical acts
they just can't bump.
-Like who?
-April Lavigne.
Avril Lavigne?
April.
It's a tribute act.
I'm Jory Jordan and this
is the Sudbury Kids Sport Report
Europa Edition.
I'm here with EU All-Stars
Carl Cederstrom, Gabo Ruzicka,
and Aki Hakohrju.
A Swede, a Finn,
and a Slovak walk into a bar
And they're glad it's not
a restaurant,
'cause the food
over there sucks.
Carl, you're an NHL drafted
Swedish goalie
with an Olympic gold medal.
You're battle tested
in high-pressure situations.
How does it feel playing
in Sudbury, Ontario
with nothing
on the line whatsoever?
-Ya, thank you.
-You're from Stockholm,
a place famous for the syndrome
that keeps victims attached
to their captors.
How's your wife, by the way?
-Ya.
-Let's go to Gabo.
Slovakia's known for churning
out lumbering defencemen
like Zdeno Chara
and Erik Cernak.
You're a towering
blue-liner yourself.
Describe for me the sense
of pride that brings you
in a country otherwise known
for nothing at all.
-Yes.
-Slovakia borders Czechia
and Slovenia. Tell me,
which one's home
to Count Chocula?
And finally, Aki Hakohrju.
Aki, hey, how are you?
Happy, are you?
Aki, Finland's famous
for its saunas,
and infamous for its alcoholism.
Tell me,
what generation booze bag
are you?
We got a fan question
from all the way in Gothenburg.
Anders Forsling asks,
how many Finnish lagers
does it take to accept
Sweden's dominance over you?
Last question here, guys, and
we'll get you guys on your way.
The NOSHO North Stars
will first face off
against the eight Apeldoorn
brothers from Timmins.
Will you tune in to see
the result of generations
and generations of inbreeding,
or do you see enough
of that at home?
I'm Jory Jordan with
the Sudbury Kids Sport Report
Europa Edition reminding you
that "Nordic"
is just a letter or two away
from "no dick."
("Go! (George Daniel Remix)"
(by Salute playing)
-Ten o'clock at night?
-Or six o'clock in the morning.
Well, I never heard nothin'
so bad as that.
Settle down.
We don't got our regular time,
we don't got our regular room.
(in French): Don't shoot
the messenger, Hitch.
(in English): After doin'
so good as what we done.
(Goody): We did unbelievable.
Enough to make ya
fall on your knees, b'y.
(in French): Okay, handsome man.
(Hitch, in English):
Lordy jumpin' Josephina.
No, this is no good
anyway, b'ys.
(electronic music continues)
(electronic music continues)
(music continues, muffled)
-What?
-You're not pissing.
Why are you mad, bro?
'Cause I was gonna come up
behind you
-and bash your head off the wall.
-While I was pissing?
-Yeah it's called a potty kiss.
-That's psycho, dude.
Well, that's what I have to do
to win fights, fight dirty.
-You wanna fight me?
-Guess I have to now.
-Let's go outside.
-No, let's stay in here.
(Loic): You want to fight
in the bathroom?
Yeah, less room for you
to use your reach.
Less people to see me
get pumped.
(door opens)
-Oops.
-Melanie?
-Melodie.
-Wrong door.
-No, stay.
-I'm not banging you
with someone else in here.
Oh, I thought
you were just friends.
-Dolo and I
-I don't care what you are.
-It's none of my business.
-You're right.
And who can keep up
with you weirdos, anyway.
-He wants to fight me.
-You want to fight him?
Well, it's not gonna be
much of a fight.
-He's a fuckin' giraffe.
-Why?
'Cause I want
our dressing room back.
If you win the fight,
you get your dressing room back?
-I'm not gonna win the fight.
-He's a fuckin' brontosaurus!
-You want the room?
-The room,
like it's not our fuckin' room.
-Come to a game.
-What game?
-(Loic): Our game.
-Huh?
Sudbury 5.
You're called the Sudbury 5?
-(Loic): Yeah.
-So dumb.
-What?
-The Sudbury 5 sounds like
what a newspaper would call,
like, some fuckin'
killers awaiting trial.
-No, it doesn't.
-It does a bit.
The Sudbury 5 sounds like
some fuckin' bodies
pulled from a lake.
Look we haven't won
anything yet.
-People here don't care about us.
-Well,
one does by the looks of it.
(Loic): But you guys have won.
People know you,
people love you.
If they see you out
supporting us, they'll care.
Good deal, Shoresy.
I'll ask Santiago and Jorge
to give the room
a good once over
before you go in.
You mean Santiago
and "George?"
-It's Jorge.
-I thought it was, like,
George but spelled with a J.
You're an idiot.
You know their names, eh?
Trying to build a winning
culture here, man.
-Deal.
-Deal.
(Nat): You got us the room.
That's wonderful.
That will be very nice
for everyone.
Why are you talking about it
like it's bringing a box
of Timbits
to a fuckin' bible study?
But the game will no longer
be played at ten PM.
-Then when?
-The only other option, idiot.
-Six AM?
-(mocking): Six AM?
-There's not enough players.
-The Apeldoorns
can't make a ten PM game?
-The Apeldoorns can.
-It's the other guys.
Holy fuck!
You wanted Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig,
-Swellengrebel, and Heemskirk.
-Yeah.
-Then it's six AM.
-I don't wanna play at six AM.
Then you shouldn't have said
no to Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen,
and Van Amelsvoort.
-What about the usual guys?
-Who?
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
-and Sollenbergerstadt.
-They couldn't play
at ten PM or six AM.
-So it's fuckin' six AM?
-If you want Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel,
and Heemskirk.
No one wants to play at six AM.
Then you shouldn't have said
no to Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen,
and Van Amelsvoort!
And you're sure you can't
get the other guys?
The other guys
as in the usual guys?
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
-and Sollenbergerstadt.
-You said Berkenbosch,
Van den Heide, Meulenbelt,
Baarsma, Engelbrecht,
Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen
and Van Amelsvoort
-were too small.
-Yeah.
You asked for bigger guys:
Du Kneynsberg,
Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,
Donkervoort, Stamsnider,
Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel,
and Heemskirk.
-Yeah.
-If that's who you want
Yeah, if we can't get
Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,
De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,
Van Zandermeulen,
De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,
and Sollenbergerstadt.
We can't.
See you at six AM.
(Laura): Don't worry,
he's just working a bit late.
(Ben, over phone): Yeah,
he texted me.
Call if he isn't home
in a half hour.
(Ben): I can never get
the TV working.
-He'll be there soon.
-(Ben): Okay. Good night.
-Love you.
-(Ben): Love you.
-Night, big boy!
-(Ben): Night, Shoresy.
-Night.
-(phone clicks)
So they gave away
your dressing room.
-Mm-hmm.
-They gave away your ice times.
-Yup.
-But Nat still gets to keep
her office? How do you figure?
'Cause broads get whatever
they want these days.
-Don't you read the news?
-Shit end of the stick
for Jill in all this.
She had to come in and say,
"So your league folded, welp,
get the fuck outta here."
Someone had to break it to us.
She's pretty hot, eh?
What do you wanna do about it?
That rink isn't even gonna
be there that much longer,
ever think about that?
(Shoresy): Don't be a bully.
Life goes on.
Just didn't think they'd
forget about us this fast.
Well, you'd better get over it.
You've got a game to play
in like five hours.
You wanna get under the covers?
I don't think I can tonight.
Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.
Got a lot on my mind, you know?
(whispers): I feel so ugly
right now.
(laughs)
("Scenario" by
A Tribe Called Quest playing)
Here we go yo, here we go yo ♪
So what, so what
so what's the scenario ♪
(Miig): You were serious
about that track suit, eh?
-It's a serious track suit.
-I said not to wear it,
-and you said
-It's a different tracksuit.
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is. It's lighter.
-That's hibiscus blue.
-This is a dark Celeste.
-Ya think?
-And the last one
-was a robin's egg blue.
-It's a bleu de France.
-So dumb.
-Looks more like
-a Laguna teal to me.
-Is everybody here?
-Everyone except Delaney.
-Huh?
(Delaney): Yo!
You're late!
I'm right on time, cappy-tan.
If you're not ten minutes
early, you're late.
He smells like a distillery.
(Nat): You smell like
the beer store.
He smells fuckin' disgusting.
Everything alright here,
Shoresy?
(Shoresy): Oh what,
you never seen a stripper
at a hockey game before, Kyle?
(Kyle): Once in the Soo, actually.
-Have you even slept?
-I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Get the fuck outta here,
Delaney.
-Fuck you, Shoresy.
-Fuckin' loser.
I fought three basketball
players to be on this team.
Playing guilty
is a performance enhancer.
-I like this guy.
-Just say bye
-to your friends and get dressed.
-I still owe them 80 bucks
and well, they have to stay
with me 'til I've paid them.
-(Nat sighs)
-Oh, my God.
-Well, don't give him money.
-He's not gonna learn anything.
Then what do you wanna do?
They have to stay with him
'til he's paid them?
-Yep.
-Then they stay with him.
I'll give ya 80 bucks
for a goal. Go get dressed.
-(Nat, Miig, Delaney): With them?
-No, with SpongeBob SquarePants.
Go get fuckin' dressed.
Yo, the Apeldoorns
don't have a goalie.
-Where's Jonker?
-Couldn't get out of chores.
-And Boomsma?
-He's the one who wouldn't
-let Jonker out of chores.
-Well did ya try calling
-Everyone, yes.
-No one picked up.
-No one?
-It's five in the fuckin'
morning, slut. And what's
with the pastel rain blue?
-(Miig snickers)
-What is it?
-It's bluebonnet.
-Fine, our back-up
-plays with the Apeldoorns.
-No, he's too small.
We need someone big
like the EU goalie.
-Why?
-(Morris): Practice how you play.
Might not play at all.
(Morris): Cederstrom's here.
(Shoresy): Well, we can't ask
the EU goalie to play
for the Apeldoorns
at the warm-up game.
-You need a big goalie.
-Yeah.
There's one right there.
Cederstrom!
Cederstrom.
-His English is bad.
-Speak to me.
-We don't have a goalie.
-In Finland,
it's polite to introduce
yourself before you speak.
-Fuck outta here.
-I'm Shoresy. This is my brother Mo.
-Teppo Maki.
-Tuna maki.
-I coach the EU.
-(Morris): Sushi maki.
This is Carl Cederstrom,
Gabo Ruzicka, and Aki Hakohrju.
You don't have a goalie?
-No, we have a goalie.
-The other team doesn't.
-(Teppo): Okay.
-So, if we don't find a goalie,
-we can't play.
-Put your back-up in.
-He's like 5'5".
-(Teppo): Yes.
So, Cederstrom's like 6'8".
2.03 metres, yes.
We want our guys shooting
on a big boy.
-(Teppo): Why?
-Practice how you play.
What if he gets hurt?
-He won't get hurt.
-What if you get hurt?
-Yes, thank you.
-Look, we'll
We won't touch him.
We'll test him,
but we won't touch him.
This would be
a foolish decision.
You said you wanted a challenge.
-Yes.
-You said you gain nothing
if you go home untested.
(Teppo): Yes.
-Put the big boy in net.
-You'll get your test.
Your word you won't run him.
This is so fuckin' embarrassing.
-You gonna play him or not?
-Your word.
-(hands clap together)
-You got it.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's six o'clock
in the morning.
We're in the Sudbury 5
dressing room.
The other team
didn't bring a goalie.
And there's two strippers here.
Put your fuckin' hand down
Delaney,
or I'll boot ya
straight in the head.
Now, we got that big cunt
Cederstrom in net tonight.
-This morning.
-Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
Let's put
(phone buzzing)
(upbeat ringtone playing)
Sorry.
Let's put a ton of rubber
on Cederstrom.
I wanna see him
going down-up, down-up,
-down-up all day.
-I don't care if he's got
an Olympic gold cock, he gets
tired like the rest of us.
(Shoresy): Yeah, wear him out.
He'll start makin' mistakes.
-Hit him with a ton of shots.
-Yes, but under no circumstances
do you hit him with
your stick or your body.
All right?
No fuckin' digging out pucks,
no short cuts
through the crease,
no forechecking him hard
when he's behind the net.
Do not touch him. Not this game.
-Hmm.
-Who said that?
Well don't everybody
all answer at once.
-Sylvestri.
-Huh?
-It was Sly.
-Him?
-Yeah.
-The Jims are tattlers, eh?
-You said "hmm?"
-I did.
-(Shoresy): Huh?
-I said "hmm."
-Why'd you say "hmm?"
-I might run him.
But I just said don't run him.
Still, I might run him.
But I just said don't run him.
-I can't help myself.
-Sometimes it just happens.
Well, it's not as if it's
fuckin' premature ejaculation.
I know sitting here
right now, I shouldn't,
but put a hockey stick
in my hand,
and I become a completely
different person.
(sighs)
(Shoresy): I'd argue,
but The Great One himself
acknowledged people like you.
To me.
When I met him. Wayne Gretzky.
A gentleman. As you'd expect.
Now, for the rest of you
Use this game
to play your roles.
Do what you do best.
Cuz, you're gonna have to do it
your absolute best
if we're going to beat
the Euros.
-What do you think, Mo?
-Keep it simple.
-(Shoresy): How do we that, Dolo?
-Kill some guys.
-(Shoresy): Goody?
-Score some goals.
-What do you think, Hitch?
-Make sure they never forgets
-who we are, b'ys.
-Boys, we're gonna have
-the Euros in the stands tonight.
-It's this morning.
-Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
-Okay.
Let's make sure they know
what they're in for next game.
All right?
-Yeah.
-Let's show 'em who we are.
-Yeah.
-All right? Let's fuckin' go.
-(clapping and cheering)
-Here we go, boys!
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
-Ice isn't ready.
-What?
The tractor hasn't
even gone on yet.
It's like five to six.
Well, Kev doesn't
get in 'til six.
Fuck.
Well, how much time do we have?
-I'd say ten minutes.
-Huh?
-I'd say a good ten minutes.
-Hmm.
(fart squeaks)
("Hotride" by The Prodigy
playing)
(rhythmic music)
(rhythmic music continues)
(rhythmic music continues)
(buzzer honks)
(Nat): Nail biter.
(Shoresy): Barn burner.
Could only get one in
on the Apeldoorns.
Nothing to see here.
Everything's fine.
Would have loved to give
the hometown fans
-something to cheer for.
-Oh, quit whining. Get over it.
They were electric.
Who do you expect
to come to a six AM game?
-Someone.
-An exhibition game.
-One or two people.
-Really?
Yes, I expected one or two.
But no one.
Just like that, we're history.
We won't be playing the EU here.
-What?
-Not at six AM or ten PM,
that's for damn sure.
-Well then where?
-I'll figure something out.
Go home and get out
of that stupid track suit.
-It's iconic.
-Put on something nice
-for the Sudbury 5 game.
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
Time to hold up your end
of the bargain, coach.
-Not tonight.
-Come on.
The Sudbury 5 sounds like
a fuckin' motel attached
to a gas station.
-(chuckling)
-Let's just get it over with.
(dramatic horn music)
(Nat): Told you they'd have
a good crowd.
Something to remind you
of the good old days.
(Shoresy): Yeah,
just like old times.
(Nat): Thanks for ditching
the cornflower blue.
(Shoresy): It's ultramarine.
-(crowd cheering)
-Hey, it's the Bulldogs.
Yeah, boys!
-Let's go! Smash the EU!
-You know what to do!
(spirited cheering)
("Fear" by Godford playing)
(cheering continues)
(electronic music)
There they are.
Forgot to tell you.
I found us a venue for the game.
What rink?
An outdoor one.
(electronic music continues)