Son of a Critch (2022) s05e04 Episode Script
Masquerade
1
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Halloween as a teenager
Too old for trick-or-treating,
too young for getting drunk.
What to do?
Catwoman?
Barney?
Whatever happened to the classics?
Dracula, Frankenstein's monster
That's his name, by the way.
Frankenstein's the doctor.
You're too old to dress up.
I'm not dating a trick-or-treater.
These MC Hammer pants
are highly flammable.
You shouldn't be selling those.
You're being MC Hammer? Cool.
He's not trick-or-treating.
Me neither. I got a gig.
- On Halloween?
- Yep. Check this out.
My band sent our demo
tape to the Strand Lounge,
and we got in!
We're opening up on Halloween!
You're playing the Bat Dance?
That's the biggest
costume party in town.
But you're not 19. You can't.
But the other guys are.
If I don't, they'll
kick me out of the band.
FOX: Just go. It's
dead easy to sneak in.
I go there all the time after work.
You what? With who?
Just some guys who work at the mall.
Mall guys.
I just have a Pepsi
while I wait for my bus.
It's no big deal.
So, you're in?
Sneaking into a bar is a crime.
Only if you get caught.
It's Halloween. Just wear a costume.
It's what you wanted.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]
♪
Ooh-la-la ♪
[FRENCH-CANADIAN ACCENT] Hey.
See you after work?
Yup.
Cool. À plus !
C'est toi ♪
♪
C'est toi ♪
RITCHE: That guy's cool.
FOX: Stefan?
Yeah, he just moved here from Montreal.
He works at Le Château.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
A Frenchman with a job!
Desperate times called
for desperate measures.
Okay, you pack of rats.
This is our plan for the heist.
George Street.
Vegas of the East.
More booze joints per square inch
than any street this side of Vegas.
Our target
The Strand Lounge.
Ritche. You show up for soundcheck.
The owner lets you in.
You'll be our man on the inside.
I dig it, daddy-o.
Sweet music.
Foxy.
You distract the bouncers by
flashin' those baby blues, dig?
Like this?
Save it for the show, kitty cat.
Michelangelo over here, he will
supply us all with the fake IDs.
Anyone asks, you were
born on January 1st, 1973.
Say "cheese."
- Camembert.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Then I order the martinis.
This time tomorrow, gang,
we will be three sheets to the wind.
Who's in?
♪
♪
Happy Halloween.
Bonsoir.
I am French.
[SWOONS]
Foxy?
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm not a kid anymore.
I'll take one fake ID, please.
♪
Okay.
Uh $3.50.
Frig's sake, Mike. The
boss is cuttin' throats!
Calm down, Dick, b'y. What
are you goin' on about?
They just let Russel go.
Russ? The young fella who
hosts the overnight show?
The boss says there's no money no more,
so they're goin' automated
from 1:00 to 5:00!
- Automated? Like, computers?
- Got a sec, Mike?
- Ah!
- Frig!
Uh, Mr. Bartlett, how can I help ya?
I got a trip coming up to Carbonear.
How would you like to join me?
Well, sir, it's a busy
week. I've gotta do
the marine forecast and
the wind's sou'west, so
I'm sure it can wait.
Good. I'm taking a hard
look at all my assets.
I wanna get your eyes on
a station out there, CHVO.
Yes, sir, when do you wanna ?
I'll get the car out.
I'll meet you out front.
It's just a field trip, right?
- Could be.
- Yeah.
Or maybe he's takin' the old dog out
for one last walk in the woods.
Go away, you!
Jesus.
Oh, God.
That's funny. Well
where's my glasses?
You're wearing 'em, dear.
Hm.
Hm? Ah.
Well how did they get there?
Hmm.
I'm gonna pop down to Colemans
and get some groceries.
How about you come with me, huh?
I don't need a babysitter.
I'm a grown man.
Fine, I'll go by myself.
Probably too old to help me anyway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I
didn't say I couldn't go.
Oh.
All right, fine.
But it'll cost you.
Ah.
I want a tub of ice cream.
Walnut.
Fine.
- Hmph.
- Cool.
MARY: I like that one too.
So, you see, Mike, I got
a string of radio stations
right across the province.
CKCO, CKCM, CHCM,
they're all spitting out
the same quality programming
you hear on VOCM. It's very cheap.
Uh, that's impressive, sir.
Yeah. You know, Mike,
life is like a car.
You gotta keep your
foot on the gas, buddy.
Otherwise, they'll pass ya.
And then the minute your
foot comes off the gas,
the ones you passed,
they'll rear-end ya.
They will. They'll rear-end ya.
It's not right.
Mr. Bartlett, sir, may I ask you
why you're bringing me along?
Well, I got big plans for you, Mike.
Two words: station manager.
Yes, you're in the passing
lane now, my friend.
Here, flick on the radio.
[RADIO STATIC BUZZES]
Uh, we must be between stations.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Do bouncers at The Strand
really not check ID?
It's Halloween.
Yes, they're gonna be
checking everybody's ID.
What are you at?
- Ritche's band is playing and
- No.
There's no way! No. I go to the Strand.
They know me.
I'm not gonna be embarrassed by
"Max Speed," whose birthday is
"classified"!
- Yeah, okay, but I
- No!
Okay? I'm serious. I'm
taking this with me.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[INTRIGUING, SNEAKY MUSIC]
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I always
wanted to be like my brother
so why not just be him?
Oh.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Pop? Oh, jeez!
POP: Oh, oh, whoa.
Put the ice cream put
it on top of the bread.
Precious cargo.
- Did ya ?
- What?
Jeez!
Christ, sakes alive!
All right
There we go.
Look, I was just securing the ice cream.
I wasn't running for the border
Mom!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[SIGHS]
Oh, come on.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- You've run out of gas.
- We're not out of gas!
- [ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- Come on, come on.
Too much gas!
There's not too much !
You have got enough cheek for two arses!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
There you are. You've flooded it now!
Argh!
[CLEARS THROAT]
All right.
POP: Well
Can you hurry up?
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
I mean the ice cream's gonna melt.
MARY: Woo, let's give her a little
POP: Jesus Christ.
♪
Look.
So, Mike, what do you think?
Well, it's just a shack
next to the tower, sir.
It's not much to look at.
And she's all yours!
You mean, station manager here?
But this is just a repeater
station, Mr. Bartlett.
Just swapping in local news for VOCM.
Yes, and who knows the news
better than Mike Critch?
Well, uh, Carbonear's
a long way from home.
Well, that's why you'll have to move.
Uproot my family?
My boy is still in school.
My father, he's not doing very well.
I'm surprised, Mike.
I thought you'd appreciate
this opportunity.
I mean, times are changing.
I need someone out here I can trust.
Well
And you can live in
company housing if you want,
but I get to choose where it is.
♪
[THUDDING BASS]
Hey! Captain Newfoundland!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A local TV
station needed to fill time,
so they created a local superhero:
Captain Newfoundland!
Newfoundland's answer
to Captain America,
just without any
supervillains or powers.
[LAUGHTER]
You should've worn a mask.
He's never gonna let you in like that.
Stay close.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Bull. What are ya at?
She's jammed, Fox. Go on in, b'y.
♪
BOUNCER: ID?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): It was
Halloween, and I was terrified.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
[MARK MUTTERING AND BREATHING HEAVILY]
You got any ID?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Showtime.
Campbell? Is that you in there?
Yep.
Mike Campbell. Magic 97.
Less talk, more music.
I didn't recognize you in there, b'y.
Have fun.
Oh. Thanks, b'y.
BOUNCER: Next!
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Fox?
RITCHE: Hey! You made it in.
Nothing to it. You?
I just walked in carrying my
guitar case and nobody asked.
- Have you seen Fox?
- She's in line at the bar.
At the what?!
Okay.
♪
♪
Can I get a rum and Coke? Hold the rum.
So, you want a Coke?
Neat.
Just order a drink,
dummy. Everyone's staring.
Uh, uh
Highball for me and a
lowball for the lady.
Just two beers, thank you.
STEFAN: Hey, Fox! Ça va ?
Bienvenue.
Je m'appelle Mark.
Uh, this is Mark.
Her boyfriend.
Cool.
Uh, nice costume.
- Oh, this is not a costume.
- Oh
Hey, but that reminds me
I'm feeling devilish!
Like you.
[FOX AND STEFAN LAUGH]
[MARK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Nuns.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
Fox! Hide.
Just chill out!
It's Halloween, remember?
Come on.
RITCHE: Happy Halloween, people!
[CROWD CHEERING]
RITCHE: One, two, three, four!
[PLAYING GRUNGE SONG]
Pass me another cup of water ♪
♪
I wanna drown ♪
♪
I wanna drown ♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): None of
this was going down easy.
Can't you go any faster?
The ice cream's gonna melt!
No, I can't go any faster
because we only have
one working gear. [SIGHS]
Maybe it's time we sent this
old girl to the junkyard.
Half this car is held
together with duct tape
and the other half is rust.
[SIGHS]
Maybe you should drag me off
to the junkyard as you're at it.
Get a two-for-one deal on the trade-in.
Oh, you just settle down now.
- [CLATTERING AND SPUTTERING]
- Oh
Oh, dammit! Wha ?
Oh, no.
[SIGHS]
Well, we we can't just leave her!
I mean, there's still a
bit of life left in her.
It's her time, Pop.
Come on. [SIGHS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Rest easy, old girl.
Uh wha
What about the ice cream?
What?
Ice cream!
[SIGHS]
I'm shining through ♪
♪
I'm shining through ♪
You ♪
♪
You ♪
- You want another one?
- Uh, yeah.
RITCHE: You ♪
♪
I'm shining through ♪
Hey. Two beers, please.
Uh, Steven, was it?
Uh, Stefan.
Buying Fox a beer?
Oh, you want one?
No, no, I'm underage.
So is she.
And buying a beer for a kid is illegal.
Hate to see you get deported.
I'm Québécois.
Bon voyage.
Kids.
♪
Where'd Stefan go?
Oh, I think he had to go "Château."
I'm not sure. I don't
speak French, but, uh
Would you like to dance?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
You're only young once,
but you can stay immature forever.
Good Lord. All the freaks are out!
Oh
let's see if they'll
let us use the phone.
Yeah?
- MARY: Ah
- POP: [CHUCKLES]
Sorry to bother you
You're a bit old for
trick-or-treating, aren't you?
- POP: Wha
- MARY: [GASPS]
Rude!
I can still see you.
We don't want candy! We
just need to use your phone.
And your freezer!
- What?
- What? It's melting!
Are you ready for the costume contest?
[CROWD CHEERING]
Um robot. Right here!
[CROWD CHEERING]
- So?
- Wicked set. Yeah.
Um, the ghost!
[CROWD CHEERING]
We should get out of here.
We're pushing our luck.
- I gotta pee.
- Oh, come on!
- I had three Cokes!
- Come on, let's go.
EMCEE: Um
Hey! Captain Newfoundland!
MARK: No, uh really!
[CROWD CHEERING]
MARK: Save yourselves! Go!
Come on, let's go!
Who has the best costume, by applause?
Is it
the ghost?
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Could it be the robot?
[SLIGHTLY LOUDER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
And what about Captain Newfoundland?
[LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I think we have a winner!
What's your name?
Uh, Mike Campbell.
From the radio? Mike!
You're only as old as you feel.
And I feel terrible.
Security.
Look, I please.
Okay.
What's your parents' number?
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Well
Nothing Sir John A can't fix.
I can call your parents
or I can call the police.
Oh, hey, Dad. Uh, it's Mark.
I tried to sneak into a bar using
my brother's, uh, ID, and I
Is this Mr. Critch?
This is Strand Lounge.
I need you to come pick up your son.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
[KNOCKING] We just
need to use the phone!
And a spoon!
I am gonna give you
a treat, you frigger!
- Wha ?
- MARY: I cannot believe
[SIGHS] So rude!
- [GIGGLES MISCHIEVOUSLY]
- Wha ?
Oh oh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Oh
- [GIGGLES]
Right, here's your trick
ya cheap buggers!
Yeah! [LAUGHS]
MARY: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Yes!
- Heh-heh.
- You get it.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
[POLICE SIREN WHOOPS]
- What?
- Oh!
Oh, oh
Oh
OFFICER BUTT: Mary?
Pat!
I feel dizzy Where am I?
- Oh oh!
- I'm going down.
Ah ah oh!
[LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR]
That must be your dad.
[MUSIC THUDDING IN BACKGROUND]
[DOOR OPENS]
[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]
[DOOR CLOSES]
How could you be so friggin' stupid?
Takin' my ID?
Sorry, Mike, b'y. We could
lose our liquor license.
Yeah, no, of course, Paul.
Sorry, and, uh, you know what?
I'm gonna make sure
that he never steps foot
in a bar again.
Come on. Let's go. Mom
and Dad are outside.
Come on. Come on!
Okay.
- Did you tell Dad?
- What?
No. Why would I tell Dad?
He doesn't need to know.
Hey, smart move pretending I was him.
Thanks.
I'm actually pretty impressed.
You know, I didn't
think you had it in ya.
Really?
I guess I was tired of people
seeing me as a little kid.
Mark, you're a lot of things.
Okay? A pain in the arse, for one.
Yeah. 100%.
Okay
But I don't see you as a kid.
You think?
Then will you buy me a beer?
Sure.
I was joking!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We're
always in a rush to grow up.
Kinda.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
But once we're old,
we'd give anything to
feel like a kid again.
[BOTH STIFLING LAUGHTER]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
There'll be plenty of time
to feel the weight of adulthood.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Special
moments should be savoured
like a fine wine.
Or your first beer.
♪
♪
♪
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Halloween as a teenager
Too old for trick-or-treating,
too young for getting drunk.
What to do?
Catwoman?
Barney?
Whatever happened to the classics?
Dracula, Frankenstein's monster
That's his name, by the way.
Frankenstein's the doctor.
You're too old to dress up.
I'm not dating a trick-or-treater.
These MC Hammer pants
are highly flammable.
You shouldn't be selling those.
You're being MC Hammer? Cool.
He's not trick-or-treating.
Me neither. I got a gig.
- On Halloween?
- Yep. Check this out.
My band sent our demo
tape to the Strand Lounge,
and we got in!
We're opening up on Halloween!
You're playing the Bat Dance?
That's the biggest
costume party in town.
But you're not 19. You can't.
But the other guys are.
If I don't, they'll
kick me out of the band.
FOX: Just go. It's
dead easy to sneak in.
I go there all the time after work.
You what? With who?
Just some guys who work at the mall.
Mall guys.
I just have a Pepsi
while I wait for my bus.
It's no big deal.
So, you're in?
Sneaking into a bar is a crime.
Only if you get caught.
It's Halloween. Just wear a costume.
It's what you wanted.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]
♪
Ooh-la-la ♪
[FRENCH-CANADIAN ACCENT] Hey.
See you after work?
Yup.
Cool. À plus !
C'est toi ♪
♪
C'est toi ♪
RITCHE: That guy's cool.
FOX: Stefan?
Yeah, he just moved here from Montreal.
He works at Le Château.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
A Frenchman with a job!
Desperate times called
for desperate measures.
Okay, you pack of rats.
This is our plan for the heist.
George Street.
Vegas of the East.
More booze joints per square inch
than any street this side of Vegas.
Our target
The Strand Lounge.
Ritche. You show up for soundcheck.
The owner lets you in.
You'll be our man on the inside.
I dig it, daddy-o.
Sweet music.
Foxy.
You distract the bouncers by
flashin' those baby blues, dig?
Like this?
Save it for the show, kitty cat.
Michelangelo over here, he will
supply us all with the fake IDs.
Anyone asks, you were
born on January 1st, 1973.
Say "cheese."
- Camembert.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Then I order the martinis.
This time tomorrow, gang,
we will be three sheets to the wind.
Who's in?
♪
♪
Happy Halloween.
Bonsoir.
I am French.
[SWOONS]
Foxy?
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm not a kid anymore.
I'll take one fake ID, please.
♪
Okay.
Uh $3.50.
Frig's sake, Mike. The
boss is cuttin' throats!
Calm down, Dick, b'y. What
are you goin' on about?
They just let Russel go.
Russ? The young fella who
hosts the overnight show?
The boss says there's no money no more,
so they're goin' automated
from 1:00 to 5:00!
- Automated? Like, computers?
- Got a sec, Mike?
- Ah!
- Frig!
Uh, Mr. Bartlett, how can I help ya?
I got a trip coming up to Carbonear.
How would you like to join me?
Well, sir, it's a busy
week. I've gotta do
the marine forecast and
the wind's sou'west, so
I'm sure it can wait.
Good. I'm taking a hard
look at all my assets.
I wanna get your eyes on
a station out there, CHVO.
Yes, sir, when do you wanna ?
I'll get the car out.
I'll meet you out front.
It's just a field trip, right?
- Could be.
- Yeah.
Or maybe he's takin' the old dog out
for one last walk in the woods.
Go away, you!
Jesus.
Oh, God.
That's funny. Well
where's my glasses?
You're wearing 'em, dear.
Hm.
Hm? Ah.
Well how did they get there?
Hmm.
I'm gonna pop down to Colemans
and get some groceries.
How about you come with me, huh?
I don't need a babysitter.
I'm a grown man.
Fine, I'll go by myself.
Probably too old to help me anyway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I
didn't say I couldn't go.
Oh.
All right, fine.
But it'll cost you.
Ah.
I want a tub of ice cream.
Walnut.
Fine.
- Hmph.
- Cool.
MARY: I like that one too.
So, you see, Mike, I got
a string of radio stations
right across the province.
CKCO, CKCM, CHCM,
they're all spitting out
the same quality programming
you hear on VOCM. It's very cheap.
Uh, that's impressive, sir.
Yeah. You know, Mike,
life is like a car.
You gotta keep your
foot on the gas, buddy.
Otherwise, they'll pass ya.
And then the minute your
foot comes off the gas,
the ones you passed,
they'll rear-end ya.
They will. They'll rear-end ya.
It's not right.
Mr. Bartlett, sir, may I ask you
why you're bringing me along?
Well, I got big plans for you, Mike.
Two words: station manager.
Yes, you're in the passing
lane now, my friend.
Here, flick on the radio.
[RADIO STATIC BUZZES]
Uh, we must be between stations.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Do bouncers at The Strand
really not check ID?
It's Halloween.
Yes, they're gonna be
checking everybody's ID.
What are you at?
- Ritche's band is playing and
- No.
There's no way! No. I go to the Strand.
They know me.
I'm not gonna be embarrassed by
"Max Speed," whose birthday is
"classified"!
- Yeah, okay, but I
- No!
Okay? I'm serious. I'm
taking this with me.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[INTRIGUING, SNEAKY MUSIC]
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I always
wanted to be like my brother
so why not just be him?
Oh.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Pop? Oh, jeez!
POP: Oh, oh, whoa.
Put the ice cream put
it on top of the bread.
Precious cargo.
- Did ya ?
- What?
Jeez!
Christ, sakes alive!
All right
There we go.
Look, I was just securing the ice cream.
I wasn't running for the border
Mom!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[SIGHS]
Oh, come on.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- You've run out of gas.
- We're not out of gas!
- [ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- Come on, come on.
Too much gas!
There's not too much !
You have got enough cheek for two arses!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
There you are. You've flooded it now!
Argh!
[CLEARS THROAT]
All right.
POP: Well
Can you hurry up?
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
I mean the ice cream's gonna melt.
MARY: Woo, let's give her a little
POP: Jesus Christ.
♪
Look.
So, Mike, what do you think?
Well, it's just a shack
next to the tower, sir.
It's not much to look at.
And she's all yours!
You mean, station manager here?
But this is just a repeater
station, Mr. Bartlett.
Just swapping in local news for VOCM.
Yes, and who knows the news
better than Mike Critch?
Well, uh, Carbonear's
a long way from home.
Well, that's why you'll have to move.
Uproot my family?
My boy is still in school.
My father, he's not doing very well.
I'm surprised, Mike.
I thought you'd appreciate
this opportunity.
I mean, times are changing.
I need someone out here I can trust.
Well
And you can live in
company housing if you want,
but I get to choose where it is.
♪
[THUDDING BASS]
Hey! Captain Newfoundland!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A local TV
station needed to fill time,
so they created a local superhero:
Captain Newfoundland!
Newfoundland's answer
to Captain America,
just without any
supervillains or powers.
[LAUGHTER]
You should've worn a mask.
He's never gonna let you in like that.
Stay close.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Bull. What are ya at?
She's jammed, Fox. Go on in, b'y.
♪
BOUNCER: ID?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): It was
Halloween, and I was terrified.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
[MARK MUTTERING AND BREATHING HEAVILY]
You got any ID?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Showtime.
Campbell? Is that you in there?
Yep.
Mike Campbell. Magic 97.
Less talk, more music.
I didn't recognize you in there, b'y.
Have fun.
Oh. Thanks, b'y.
BOUNCER: Next!
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Fox?
RITCHE: Hey! You made it in.
Nothing to it. You?
I just walked in carrying my
guitar case and nobody asked.
- Have you seen Fox?
- She's in line at the bar.
At the what?!
Okay.
♪
♪
Can I get a rum and Coke? Hold the rum.
So, you want a Coke?
Neat.
Just order a drink,
dummy. Everyone's staring.
Uh, uh
Highball for me and a
lowball for the lady.
Just two beers, thank you.
STEFAN: Hey, Fox! Ça va ?
Bienvenue.
Je m'appelle Mark.
Uh, this is Mark.
Her boyfriend.
Cool.
Uh, nice costume.
- Oh, this is not a costume.
- Oh
Hey, but that reminds me
I'm feeling devilish!
Like you.
[FOX AND STEFAN LAUGH]
[MARK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Nuns.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
Fox! Hide.
Just chill out!
It's Halloween, remember?
Come on.
RITCHE: Happy Halloween, people!
[CROWD CHEERING]
RITCHE: One, two, three, four!
[PLAYING GRUNGE SONG]
Pass me another cup of water ♪
♪
I wanna drown ♪
♪
I wanna drown ♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): None of
this was going down easy.
Can't you go any faster?
The ice cream's gonna melt!
No, I can't go any faster
because we only have
one working gear. [SIGHS]
Maybe it's time we sent this
old girl to the junkyard.
Half this car is held
together with duct tape
and the other half is rust.
[SIGHS]
Maybe you should drag me off
to the junkyard as you're at it.
Get a two-for-one deal on the trade-in.
Oh, you just settle down now.
- [CLATTERING AND SPUTTERING]
- Oh
Oh, dammit! Wha ?
Oh, no.
[SIGHS]
Well, we we can't just leave her!
I mean, there's still a
bit of life left in her.
It's her time, Pop.
Come on. [SIGHS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Rest easy, old girl.
Uh wha
What about the ice cream?
What?
Ice cream!
[SIGHS]
I'm shining through ♪
♪
I'm shining through ♪
You ♪
♪
You ♪
- You want another one?
- Uh, yeah.
RITCHE: You ♪
♪
I'm shining through ♪
Hey. Two beers, please.
Uh, Steven, was it?
Uh, Stefan.
Buying Fox a beer?
Oh, you want one?
No, no, I'm underage.
So is she.
And buying a beer for a kid is illegal.
Hate to see you get deported.
I'm Québécois.
Bon voyage.
Kids.
♪
Where'd Stefan go?
Oh, I think he had to go "Château."
I'm not sure. I don't
speak French, but, uh
Would you like to dance?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
You're only young once,
but you can stay immature forever.
Good Lord. All the freaks are out!
Oh
let's see if they'll
let us use the phone.
Yeah?
- MARY: Ah
- POP: [CHUCKLES]
Sorry to bother you
You're a bit old for
trick-or-treating, aren't you?
- POP: Wha
- MARY: [GASPS]
Rude!
I can still see you.
We don't want candy! We
just need to use your phone.
And your freezer!
- What?
- What? It's melting!
Are you ready for the costume contest?
[CROWD CHEERING]
Um robot. Right here!
[CROWD CHEERING]
- So?
- Wicked set. Yeah.
Um, the ghost!
[CROWD CHEERING]
We should get out of here.
We're pushing our luck.
- I gotta pee.
- Oh, come on!
- I had three Cokes!
- Come on, let's go.
EMCEE: Um
Hey! Captain Newfoundland!
MARK: No, uh really!
[CROWD CHEERING]
MARK: Save yourselves! Go!
Come on, let's go!
Who has the best costume, by applause?
Is it
the ghost?
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Could it be the robot?
[SLIGHTLY LOUDER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
And what about Captain Newfoundland?
[LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I think we have a winner!
What's your name?
Uh, Mike Campbell.
From the radio? Mike!
You're only as old as you feel.
And I feel terrible.
Security.
Look, I please.
Okay.
What's your parents' number?
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Well
Nothing Sir John A can't fix.
I can call your parents
or I can call the police.
Oh, hey, Dad. Uh, it's Mark.
I tried to sneak into a bar using
my brother's, uh, ID, and I
Is this Mr. Critch?
This is Strand Lounge.
I need you to come pick up your son.
[DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]
[KNOCKING] We just
need to use the phone!
And a spoon!
I am gonna give you
a treat, you frigger!
- Wha ?
- MARY: I cannot believe
[SIGHS] So rude!
- [GIGGLES MISCHIEVOUSLY]
- Wha ?
Oh oh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Oh
- [GIGGLES]
Right, here's your trick
ya cheap buggers!
Yeah! [LAUGHS]
MARY: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Yes!
- Heh-heh.
- You get it.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
[POLICE SIREN WHOOPS]
- What?
- Oh!
Oh, oh
Oh
OFFICER BUTT: Mary?
Pat!
I feel dizzy Where am I?
- Oh oh!
- I'm going down.
Ah ah oh!
[LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR]
That must be your dad.
[MUSIC THUDDING IN BACKGROUND]
[DOOR OPENS]
[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]
[DOOR CLOSES]
How could you be so friggin' stupid?
Takin' my ID?
Sorry, Mike, b'y. We could
lose our liquor license.
Yeah, no, of course, Paul.
Sorry, and, uh, you know what?
I'm gonna make sure
that he never steps foot
in a bar again.
Come on. Let's go. Mom
and Dad are outside.
Come on. Come on!
Okay.
- Did you tell Dad?
- What?
No. Why would I tell Dad?
He doesn't need to know.
Hey, smart move pretending I was him.
Thanks.
I'm actually pretty impressed.
You know, I didn't
think you had it in ya.
Really?
I guess I was tired of people
seeing me as a little kid.
Mark, you're a lot of things.
Okay? A pain in the arse, for one.
Yeah. 100%.
Okay
But I don't see you as a kid.
You think?
Then will you buy me a beer?
Sure.
I was joking!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We're
always in a rush to grow up.
Kinda.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
But once we're old,
we'd give anything to
feel like a kid again.
[BOTH STIFLING LAUGHTER]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
There'll be plenty of time
to feel the weight of adulthood.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Special
moments should be savoured
like a fine wine.
Or your first beer.
♪
♪
♪
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪