Workin' Moms (2017) s05e04 Episode Script

1
Really? Still with the silent treatment?
Well, then, why did you even answer?!
Listen,
I'm sorry that I left so abruptly.
But I don't know how many
times I can apologize.
I don't ask much.
I just ask that I don't come home
and find two hungry daughters,
and a note that just says, "BRB."
So I guess it didn't work?
Honey, Wynston Publishing
is a really big deal.
It might be my last chance
for my book to find a home.
I would've been crazy
not to take this meeting.
Yeah, you know what else is crazy?
Taking a vacation one
day after you start work!
When is your return flight home?
- Oh, um
- Alexa,
are there any flights
on the family calendar?
ALEXA: I see no flights on the calendar.
(GROANS)
You didn't book a return flight.
I will!
Really? Silent treatment again?
Okay. All right. Goodbye!
(VIDEO GAME BEEPS)
Jesus Ella, turn it down!
(GAME BEEPS AND CHIMES, THEN STOPS)
You all right?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just tense
from the Lionel thing.
Yeah, of course, I heard.
But look, we got a big day today.
Okay, so we gotta get
our head in the game,
and show him why you came out here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Because Sloane is expecting
to meet Anne Carlson, Parenting Expert.
And you just snapped at
someone else's two-year-old.
- Totally. Sorry.
- Please.
Okay, Sloane. What's she like?
Oh! Uh, I don't know!
Uh, she's bitchin', you know? (GIGGLES)
- Bitchin'?
- She bumps, you know?
- She fucks, she slaps.
- You're glitching.
You'll see. You're gonna love her,
you're gonna fuckin' love her! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
- You're gay!
- You're gay!
Sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back.
- Jesus, can't you keep it down?!
- I saw you.
Gropin' a man! A man with a dick!
- And?
- What do you mean, "and?!"
I'm sorry you had to see that,
but we spoke about this.
- We see other people.
- People! Not men!
Last I checked, men are people.
Okay, Riddler,
stop trying to outsmart me here.
I don't know what to say.
In these matters like these,
- I'm fluid.
- (EXHALES)
I, I just don't understand
how you can like this
and that.
I guess I'm a people person.
Look, what's under the hood
is just a detail.
(SCOFFS) You know what you're being?
You're being greedy.
I'm dumping your gay ass.
How's that for a detail?!
I really do want to keep seeing you.
But you're right,
it's probably not wise for me
to keep seeing someone so
close-minded. (SIGHS)
Thanks for coming by and
making your concerns known.
(KEYS CLACK)
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS CLACK)
Jenny, wait.
Yeah?
Please tell Marvin I need an update
on the Perlmutter-Dorman
account by end-of-day.
(SCOFFS)
(STREETCAR RUMBLES)
(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)
Oh!
Yeah.
Thank you, parents,
for coming to your children's
storybook exhibit!
How thrilling it is to
see the way our children
are learning to connect beginnings,
middles, and endings.
Enjoy!
(PARENTS MURMUR QUIETLY)
Zoe made a love story.
About a boy and a girl.
And nobody else.
Okay, so here's Charlie's.
Clearly a beginning.
It's the uh, story of
An outline of a hand.
Thoughts?
I'm gathering you're
not a fan of his story?
Well, I'm starting to think
that Charlie might struggle
with "results anxiety."
See the way the story just sorta
fizzles out?
It's because he had a meltdown
after another student's project
received quite a bit of praise.
Sorry, results anxiety?
Uh, for a five-year-old?
- Oh yeah.
- Is that normal?
Oh no.
If you have time,
Rhoda's story is really worth a look.
- Oh, I'm sure it is.
- It is.
I swear I can almost
feel the rat's emotions
coming off the page!
We need to nurture this talent.
Oh wow. Wow.
Well, the story of a rat and a girl,
struck by lightning.
fused together, huh!
Rat-girl.
Rat-girl, you guys must be very proud.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
(FRANKIE SIGHS)
KATE:
The thought of him trying his best,
and then getting so
emotional he can't finish?
I can't, I can't take it.
Oh, I just hope
he's not alienating himself.
You think he has no friends?
Well, I don't know.
Okay, well, his birthday's coming up.
Maybe we, you know,
invite the whole class.
No art. No meltdown. Just good times.
- I love that.
- (DOOR SHUTS) Let's do it.
And while I want to build up
the confidence of all the men
in my life, it is my duty to tell you,
you look
stupid in that reflective vest.
- Safety first.
- It's the daytime, Nathan!
- I'm very fast.
- Nathan!
Love you!
MAYA: What a shit show in there!
Okay?
The way everyone fawns
over that girl's art
- like she's Monet?!
- It is so great
to hear you say that!
Charlie cannot keep up.
I mean, Rhoda's art is sending
him into a whole goddamn tailspin!
Well, if it makes you feel better,
I don't know what the
hell Axe's story is about.
There's like six characters,
they're all stick figures.
- No idea who's who.
- Ah, here's to dumb sons.
Dumb sons!
(STREETCAR RATTLES)
Well, Anne, I can't say
I'm surprised to see you back
from that shitty mountain town.
Well, it's only temporary,
unfortunately.
I'm here to sell my book.
Kate got me this meeting today,
and I'm totally freaked out about it.
Pony up, cowgirl.
You know you got the goods.
And if they don't see it, fuck 'em.
- Fuck their buttholes raw.
- What?
Oh, sorry, bit of a tizzy this morning.
It's my boys. Every interaction
leaves me with so much rage.
Little J.J. turns 18 today,
and I fear if I don't do something,
I'm gonna be watching them
masturbate into banana peels
for the rest of my life.
You know it's you that
gave me that life-changing
parenting advice, right?
The trail of nuts?
Everything changed for me
once I let go of control
and set Alice free.
Maybe it's time that you
start taking your own advice.
Set them free.
That's beautiful.
KRISTEN: (READS) "Who would've thought,"
asked Penny,
"that you could catch a
spider in its own web?"
The town cheered as Penny
dragged the creepy-crawly
away from the tea party.
Author's doing pretty good.
I'll admit, when she's on, she's on.
(READS) "The neighbourhood
slept well that night,
"knowing the spiders were out of sight.
Pests don't rest, so neither will I!"
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I'm gonna get going.
That's it?!
(AUDIENCE MURMURS)
- That was okay, right?
- Sorry, Kristen,
aren't you reading from the next
"Penny" book now?
I really meant to write the next book,
I swear, it's just
Kristen,
you're a professional author now
with a multiple book deal,
which means you meet your deadlines.
Did you meet your deadline?
Or am I gonna have to make
you pay back your advance?
I'm sorry! I have nothing!
- (SOBS)
- Hey wait, Kris-
(CAMERA CLICKS, CROWD MURMURS)
- Holy shit, what's happening?
- A PR crisis.
What's your plan?
- I am gonna go up there.
- Yes, you are.
Yes, I am.
(CROWD CHATTERS)
Hey, guys!
So look, uh, Kristen had to run,
as we uh (CHUCKLE)
as we all saw.
Uh, she had to go help
Penny with her next pest.
What's the next pest?
Oh, you wanna know about that, do you?
- KIDS: Yeah!
- Yeah.
- I can't heaaaar you!
- (ALL STOP, QUIET)
That's not a thing anymore? Okay.
Uh, the uh, the next pest
is
is a rat, a big, hairy rat.
- KIDS: Ewwww!
- Just a rat?
Of course, no, it's not just a rat.
Because this rat is a girl.
And a rat.
You see, there was this girl,
and she had a pet rat.
And everyone was like, ew!
Gross, get out of here with that thing.
Go back to the sewer! So she did.
And that night,
there was a horrible storm.
And uh, and she was cuddling
her little pet rat,
when lightning struck, and
fused them together.
KIDS: Ewww! Gross! Aaah!
Yeah, well, it's an origin story, folks.
And uh,
who could possibly defeat Rat Girl?
There's only one girl up for the job.
- KIDS: Penny!
- Penny, obviously.
- KATE: That's right!
- KIDS: (CHANTING) Penny!
"Penny Pest Control Book Two:
Revenge of the Rat Girl."
Maybe. And the Penny Pest Control App,
you know, at some point.
Uh, lots of exciting stuff
in the pipeline.
Thank you so much for coming, everyone.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- MAN: Question?
Is it more rat or more girl?
Oh! Uh, uh, a Q&A period.
Okay, uh, it's uh,
it's about fifty-fifty.
Alright.
Wait, does this rat go to school?
Yeah, the rat goes to school.
It's uh, you gotta stay in school,
everyone knows that.
so of course it goes to school.
It's a tiny school,
it's got an eraser for a bed, alright?
Thank you very much!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh, can it swim?
Really, man?
(SLOANE AND AUDIENCE APPLAUD)
GISELLE: A rat girl,
did we make a genius, or something?
Would you look at her work?
When did she do all this?
Hello?
Oh, sorry, I'm just
putting the finishing
touches on a job posting.
I have to sell 43 condos.
Coyne Realty is expanding.
- What have you got so far?
- Oh! Okay.
"Are you quirky? Different?
"A special person with a special light,
"and also a licensed real estate agent?
"Come out from the shadows, and join
Frankie Coyne Realty."
- "Come out from the shadows?!"
- Mm-hmm.
What in the world kind of post is this?
An inspirational one!
How lucky am I to have a chance
to give opportunities to, to
- Shadow people?
- No!
To people sidelined, ignored!
That's who I used to be.
My agency, my people. (LAUGHS)
I don't think you should post that.
And posted.
Come on, shadow people!
Welcome to Coyne Realty!
Why don't we go around
and introduce ourselves?
I'll start.
I'm Frankie, and this is my agency.
Uh, I love Korean rice bowls,
and seeing the good in everyone.
I'm really excited to
have you all aboard.
Please.
Uh, I'm Brody.
Uh, I've actually had a
lot of trouble finding work
as a real estate agent.
But I'm not sure why,
because I'm fuckin' awesome at it!
Um, it would just mean so much
to me if I could help people
find people their dream home.
Let's go, baby!
Amazing, okay, welcome.
Excellent.
Uh ahem.
Um, I'm Charlene.
Uh, it, I'm not sure why I
even bothered to answer the ad.
- Really, I'm so sorry.
- What? No, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, I hired you!
You're right. You're right.
That was a stupid thing to say.
Forget what I say before I even say it.
Okay, well, we might need to work
on the old confidence there, Charlene.
- I am Ladislav.
- Hello, Ladislav.
I never really sell a house properly.
I think on account of creak.
Oh, I'm sorry, uh, creak?
Yes, I have a creak in my bones.
(FAINT CREAKING)
Hmm?
I think maybe ghost.
Spooky. (CHUCKLES)
How could Kristen bail like that?!
Oh, don't even get me started.
Says her ideas come
to her in her dreams.
Well, I'm happy we covered
for her until her next nap.
Well, Kristen can take a
forever nap for all I care,
- I'm just glad that I had you.
- Hmm!
I don't know how I can
possibly thank you.
Oh, hey, agreeing to meet my friend Anne
is more than enough.
- "Running Your Own Train." Right.
- Yeah.
The book was actually very good.
- Yeah?
- I'm happy to do it.
But just level with me, is she solid?
Because I can't take another Kristen.
Oh, you got nothing
to worry about with Anne.
There's nobody cooler.
ANNE: (NERVOUS EXHALE)
So So glad
we're finally sitting down.
Anne, this is Sloane.
Sloane, this is Anne.
Uh, Sloane?
- So, I read the book.
- Really?
Did you like it?
It's okay if you didn't, you can pass.
You can just, just tell me right away,
- just lay it on me.
- Breathe.
We wanna buy it.
You wanna buy my book?
You want, I'm a book seller?
I'm selling my book! Oh my gosh!
I'm sorry, I just never
thought this was gonna happen!
I'm a book seller!
Oh my God, fucking shit on my balls!
- Anne!
- (SLOANE LAUGHS)
The book works. It's insightful.
It is practical.
It's the right amount of controversial.
Thank you. Wait, what? Controversial?
Yeah, you know,
telling parents they can phone it in.
The book is about promoting
smart decision-making
through trust,
not through "phoning it in."
Did you read the book?
(LAUGHS) Excuse me?
Okay, ah,
let's just take a beat for a second.
Exciting moment,
emotions are running high,
plus I think she might
be on antibiotics,
just keep that in consideration.
If you can't handle my
little throwaway comment,
how can I trust you're
gonna keep it together
- when facing the public?
- Who's facing the public?
I'm not facing any public,
the book speaks for itself.
Well, "Parenting Expert"
is not an accredited degree.
These kinds of titles
specifically require
public appearances.
The only way you can prove that
you're a leader in the field
is through a press tour.
Yeah, I'd be with you
every step of the way.
Sorry, this is just news to me.
Well, the appearances
are part of the deal,
and as you can see,
it's a pretty good deal.
Page Eight.
(PAGES RUSTLE)
Yeah?
Fuckin' shit on my balls!
- GENA: Hey, how you doin'?
- Bad!
Whoa, never mind. Bye!
I'm just dealing with a lot right now.
I just, I got something
in the microwave, so
Okay, fine, I'll tell you!
I just had to dump someone,
because it turns out
he's gay.
- He told you that?
- Basically.
Well, like, what'd he say?
That he's not into girls?
No, he is. He likes both.
He started talking about fluid,
like, get a grip, dude.
So you broke up with him?
- Well, yes!
- Kinda homophobic, no?
Excuse me?
Well, if he's still into
you it sounds like he's bi,
or pansexual, not gay.
Am I supposed to know what that is?
Well, you're supposed to be
open to learning about it
if you wanna date in the 20's.
So I'm
a homophobe?
VAL: I hope you've enjoyed
your time in my care.
And you're both of legal age now,
so have a little cake,
and then get out of my house.
(BOYS LAUGH)
- Totally.
- Mom!
- What are you doing?
- Taking Anne's advice.
Which was to take my own advice.
- I'm setting them free.
- Hmm.
I mean it, boys. Time to go.
- Go where?
- Anywhere but here.
I've packed your suitcases,
and they're by the door.
Honey, maybe this is a little rushed.
I'm ripping off a Band-Aid,
they'll thank me for it.
- Where will we get money?
- You'll get jobs.
Why right now, though?
It's almost nighttime.
Yeah, and why are you in a silk robe?
Because after you leave,
Mel and I are going
to celebrate your departure on
every surface of this house.
And I can tell you that
because you're adults now.
That's so fucking gross!
What are we supposed to eat, Mom?!
Quick, dude, fill your belly!
Fill your belly!
What? Oh!
What in God's name are you doing?
We don't know the next
time we're gonna eat, Mom!
Well, you're not bears!
You can't just store up for winter.
Boys, one more mouthful, and then out!
(BOYS SOB)
(FOOD CRUNCHES)
- (SIGHS)
- (BOYS WHIMPER)
Now.
(SOBS)
(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(HAPPY EXHALE) We're free.
JOSEPH:
Where are we supposed to take dumps?!
- (LAUGHS) It's okay!
- Oh, it was
Um hi?
Hi. I just wanted you to know
that what you're doing is okay.
And I was wrong to be so grossed out.
Even though it just came naturally.
- Who is this?
- I'm the other woman.
Or, I was. And I can be.
Because sexuality is
actually a spectrum.
Well, I'm glad
that what we're doing is okay.
Anything else? Because
I thought you "dumped my gay ass."
- She said that to you?
- That was before.
When I was homophobic.
And for that, I'm sorry.
But I have done a ton of research today,
and I learned a lot.
The Kinsey Scale, Marsha P. Johnson,
Ru Paul's Drag Race.
Ru Paul's Drag Race?
Oh, yes!
And while we're on the subject
who do you homos think is gonna
be the next celebrity judge?
Oh, I'm sorry,
am I not allowed to weigh in?
Like, who's homophobic now?
This is like, weird, or something.
KATE: Here she goes! She signed it!
- Come on, you bastard!
- Ohhhh!
You sold a book!
You're a motherfuckin' published author!
- Mmmm!
- Anne!
- I sold a book!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
I can't believe this is happening.
I've been dreaming
about my book on display
in stores forever!
I can see the cover, and everything.
- What does it look like?
- It's uh
Come on.
It's Alice and I
Just like laughing our asses off
like equals, you know?
On the other side of all that drama.
Black and white, on like,
a blue background.
Helvetica font for the title.
You've really thought this through.
- Do you think it's dumb?
- No, I don't think it's dumb!
We're gonna get you
that frickin' display.
But you might have to call Lionel,
'cause you're gonna be
here a little bit longer.
- A media tour.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, man, I just wanted to
write a book to help people,
I did not wanna be a brand.
Brands are why people buy stuff, okay?
And look,
the media tour is a couple weeks.
Your book though? Forever.
What about you and me?
You think this is a good idea,
us working together?
Totally, totally.
- Kate.
- What? Uh
- there's one thing.
- Uh-huh?
Like, if I had to pick something,
- with a gun to my head.
- Okay, yeah?
You you got a little bit of a temper.
Look, as your friend, it's a party,
you know what I mean, I love it.
but as your publicist
it could be a problem.
So it's not a good idea?
It's just something you
gotta keep an eye on.
But you can keep the genie
in the bottle, right?
- Yes! Yep.
- Well, then!
Cheers to you
totally fuckin' controlling your temper.
I just need to know
that you got my back.
I have got your back so hard, that
You know what? Gimme this. Watch.
What are you doing?
- (PEN SCRATCHES)
- Huh? Who's that?
- This guy.
- Anne Carlson!
- Yes.
- And, uh-oh!
- Who's this?
- (PEN SCRATCHES)
It says, "fack."
Why would you write that?
Kate's got your back,
Foster's got your front,
I'm on every side of you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- I got both sides of you!
- I get it, I get it.
- "What's fack mean?!"
- Let's fackin' go!
(LAUGHS)
You wrote a book!
- I wrote a book!
- Awwwwwooo!