Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e05 Episode Script

1
[STUDENTS SCATTING]
Aha!
The ghost in the forest is Mr. Bebop ♪
- Boo!
- Yes!
Goose bumps!
You all are doing such wonderful work.
So, what are everybody's Halloween plans?
- Just the usual.
- Trick or treating?
We're too old for that.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, probably
just gonna TP some houses.
- What?
- Egg some apartments.
- Yeah.
- Ding-dong ditch, maybe.
- No!
- [STUDENTS] Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no!
What else are we supposed to do?
We outside with it, Miss Howard.
Is there any way for us
to be "outside with it" without vandalism?
- No.
- I doubt it.
What?
I'm even thinking
about starting a small fire.
[STUDENTS] Yeah!
No, no!
If you like fire and being outside
and holding on to rolls of toilet paper,
why don't we
go on a camping trip?
Yeah!
Yes. We go on a camping trip,
and that way,
we are all outside with it together.
- Okay, Mrs. Howard.
- Thank you.
- Can we still throw eggs at something?
- I'll think about it.
- She said yes, she said yes.
- I did not say yes.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
- [BARBARA] Excuse me, sweetheart.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm
[HUMMING]
Barb has been in such a good mood lately,
which is great
because the rest of us are hanging on
by a thread, energetically speaking.
It's been a trying start to the year.
I mean, it's not even November yet
and everyone's already fried.
Not Barb, though.
She's amped. [CHUCKLES]
I, however, am, uh,
so tired that I called
one of my students "Mom" the other day.
- Gregory.
- Stop touching me.
- [MELISSA] Oh.
- What? No one's No one's touching you.
- Sorry, I'm so tired.
- It's fine.
All right, let's get this over with.
Halloween.
Tasha, it's your turn this year.
What do you have planned?
So, I'm gonna have the kids go to the gym.
We're gonna put on
what I call the "Halloween Town Trilogy."
First we're watching Halloween,
then we're watching The Town,
and then we're watching Halloweentown,
and then we're going home.
Love it.
Your lack of effort is finally paying off.
Next up, election day. Let's skip it.
Excuse me. It has come to my attention
that some of the students
who are too old for trick-or-treating
would still like to be outside.
And so I was thinking,
how about Halloween camping?
- Why?
- Barb?
Oh. That sounds fun.
Ooh. Dom. From mentor to mentee: less.
You want to take 600 kids camping? No.
Barb, that just feels
like a ton of work.
Not the whole school,
just the students who are in clubs.
This way we are giving them something
constructive to do and not boring.
But you still need permission slips,
permits, chaperones, equipment.
I've obtained a camping site
and a permit online.
I've printed out permission slips.
My church is allowing us
to use their camping gear.
My music class is in and Dom's in.
Oh, no. I can't. Sounds really fun,
but I'll be volunteering
at a homeless shelter.
Oh, you'll be volunteering
at the homeless shelter. Performative ass.
Just out of curiosity,
where exactly is this homeless shelter?
All right, all right.
I know my friends are in.
- I'm not.
- Yeah, Barb. I'm so, so tired.
Me, Janine, is tired.
Yeah, Barb. I love your energy, but,
um, you look like a bed to me right now.
I was going to fill my tanks
with a rewatch of Jersey Housewives.
[WHISPERS] I don't want to do this.
- Okay, fine. I will go it alone.
- Great.
No, you know what? We're gonna do it.
We'll go with you, Barb.
Excellent, excellent!
Oh, and by the way,
costumes, mandatory. Ha!
But the ghost
In the forest is Mr. Bebop ♪
[SCATTING]
Well, the meeting wasn't over.
But you know what? Hell yeah. [GIGGLES]
Y'all have fun camping. Hey.
Hey, Melissa.
Real quick. You out your mind?
Okay. You think I wanna do this?
I don't wanna do this.
Those middle schoolers
are running me ragged.
I am April-tired in October.
But, you guys,
this is Barb we're talking about.
Two minutes in,
she's gonna get dirt under her nails.
She's gonna step on some orange slug,
and, boom, she's out of there.
[STAMMERS]
- I'm tired.
- [JANINE] You're right.
'Cause Barb doesn't even like picnics.
I know 'cause I've invited her
countless times. She never shows.
Fine,
but if I'm not horizontal by 6:00 p.m.,
I'm gonna cry
for the first time in my entire life.
- [MELISSA] What?
- You didn't cry as a baby?
- [GREGORY] Uh-uh.
- Oh.
We are gonna get you your weekend,
buddy. [SNIFFLES]
Yeah,
she's not gonna last an hour. [SCOFFS]
Yeah, one measly hour.
I mean, how bad could it get?
Nope.
This [BLEEP] sucks.
Okay, step team girlies.
Let's go over there and put up our tents
in the nice clean,
non-cursing, beautiful air.
[SIGHS] There is nothing like
good old fresh air.
She seems to be enjoying this?
Okay, all we gotta do is remind her
how much she hates roughing it.
I'm on it.
Hey, uh, Barb.
So, looked around.
Doesn't seem to be
a pre-built fire pit anywhere.
Looks like we're gonna have to
just get in the dirt
and do it ourselves.
Yeah, digging a hole,
not as easy as you think.
I can dig a pit. Gerald loves it when
I bury him in the sand at the beach.
Okay, but dig with that fresh manicure.
And that, my young friend,
is why God invented the shovel.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Say, did anybody happen to bring
any ratproof storage for the food?
Because these woodland vermin, they
carry way more diseases
than urban vermin.
I feel you, Jacob, and that is why
I brought rodent repellent,
and they are ultrasonic.
[AVA] Those need to be set
at 45-degree angles to work.
- Ava?
- What are you doing here?
I've prepped for the end of the world,
but the world keeps refusing to end.
So might as well make use of my gadgets.
Try my new portable stove.
These people do not know
how to survive in the woods.
And since it's more expensive
to replace them,
I have to make sure they make it.
Well, um, thank you, Wizard Ava.
I'm Darth Ma.
- Genius.
- I-I don't get it.
Darth Maul is from Episode I,
which is actually the fourth.
And Octavia Spencer played Ma
in the 2019 film Ma,
- which wasn't a box office smash, but
- Too much information.
- Yeah.
- [AVA] Let me guess your costumes.
Ooh. Park ranger.
We're Sinners.
I'm Ryan Coogler,
and Janine is an IMAX screen.
[AVA] Ugh. Pigtail girl from Matilda.
- I'm Greta Thunberg.
- The director?
[GREGORY] No.
- April O'Neil.
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
And alone at home sits Sweet Cheeks
in a letter-perfect Shredder costume.
- Oh, man. That's good.
- You really hate to miss that.
Well, I guess
I won best costume yet again.
Would love if one of you guys will
step it up next year.
Now, who wants fire?
- [JANINE] We don't
- We were just talking about it actually.
Just pulled this puppy out of the box.
- She's got a freaking fire starter.
- Wait, look.
[MELISSA] Oh. That's not working.
- [GREGORY] Yeah, that sounds broke.
- I don't think that's working.
Barb, if we don't have fire,
we gotta go home.
Yeah, if we can't start a fire,
then I guess we gotta go home.
- [GREGORY] Oh, no. Come on.
- [AVA] Give me a minute.
[MELISSA] All right.
- [BARBARA] Give her a minute.
- [AVA] Geez.
Kumbaya, my lord ♪
Kumbaya ♪
- Amen. Well done.
- Geez Louise. She's getting stronger.
I'm gonna lose it.
We do still have one iron in the fire.
Ava hasn't started the fire.
[JANINE] Yeah, true.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Ain't no walking around here
all willy-nilly. Where you coming from?
The bathroom, and it is gross
in there, and I did not help.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Guys, that's it. Game over.
Barbara's not gonna wanna use
a nasty bathroom.
- [SCOFFS] One whiff away from freedom.
- [MELISSA] Yes.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- Hey, Barb.
Did you know that using a restroom
regularly helps prevent osteoporosis?
Girlfriend, I had no idea. Hmm.
I will go right away.
Ms. Howard, the bathroom is that way.
No, sweetheart. Mine is that way.
I rented the 2025 Meadow Flusher Deluxe
out of pocket, of course.
Damn, she really did think of everything.
Genuinely concerned
we hadn't noticed that.
- Yeah.
- Huge.
Now which one should I use?
Lavender-scented or vanilla?
Vanilla!
- I like to vote.
- Thank you.
I can't believe this. That's like
what they have at Coachella.
- I know.
- You've been to Coachella?
No, I've never been. I've seen pictures.
- [BARBARA SCREAMS]
- [DOOR OPENS]
It's so clean, I could sleep in here.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Smokey Bear was right.
I can start a wildfire with my bare hands.
We are never getting out of here.
All right, everyone!
Gather round, gather round!
It is delegation time.
Oh.
Gregory, you and the Goofballs are
in charge of firewood collection duty.
Sure. Could have been in bed
before sunset, but come on, y'all.
Let's go pick up some sticks.
[BARBARA] Melissa, dinner duty.
It's just heating up some canned beans.
And, Ava, did I hear you mention
something about a portable stove?
I mentioned the portable stove.
The Coleman "Stoveman" Available in
several colors on avacoleman.net.
Wonderful. Why don't you
get that together for Melissa?
You wanna give beans to 60 kids?
That's what you wanna do, Barb? Okay.
Steppers, with me.
Oh, um. Okay. Then I guess I will
just go help Gregory and the Goofballs.
Mmm.
Jacob.
- Squonk watch?
- What?
Squonk watch?
What's "squawk wash"?
Don't tell me you don't know
about the Pennsylvania squonk.
The reclusive wart-covered creature
that lives in the woods
and only comes out at night.
Jacob, I am not a child.
Do not try to frighten me.
White girl,
what'd you say about that squonk?
Captive audience. Well, gather
round, everyone,
for I have a tale to tell.
[ALEX] There's no firewood out here.
We're in a park.
It's just twigs and empty fast-food bags.
And most of these twigs
aren't dry enough to be burned.
[GREGORY] Yeah, you're right.
All right. Well, if they're dry,
bring 'em.
Fast-food bags
may be the best we're gonna get.
Well, this area looks promising here.
I wouldn't, Ms. Teagues.
That's poison ivy.
- Oh. Your Goofballs sure do know a lot.
- Uh, good eye, Alex.
Yeah. Well, some of them
been here for a few years now.
It's actually really nice
to connect with kids year after year.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Oh. That's beautiful.
- Mmm.
What the hell? I wanna connect. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I know.
- Hmm?
Hold on.
- Been a while since I went worming.
- [GREGORY] Mm-hmm.
Aha!
- [STUDENTS GASPS]
- [GREGORY] Huh.
- Yeah, anyone wanna see a worm?
- Yeah.
- A worm's kinda shaped like Mr. Eddie.
- No, no.
No, Mr. Eddie is much more handsome.
And has more muscles and arms,
right, y'all?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Wow. Where did all of this come from?
You know, had it with me.
So Barb had this great idea of feeding
everybody nothing but baked beans.
Clearly has never seen Blazing Saddles.
So I figure we order up some groceries,
get 'em delivered, make some real food,
and we all live.
How's it looking with that stove, Ava?
Great.
Right. Okay, so I guess I'll just feed
all this stuff to the squirrels
and order some pizzas.
No, give me a second
to build one out of stone.
Step team, look alive.
Grab a buddy
and start collecting flat rocks.
We found this thing
they call a "phone book"?
[BARBARA] Wonderful.
Now, the man had warned Jenny
not to talk to anyone after dark,
but Jenny didn't listen.
She approached the strange figure.
- Why would she do that?
- Where are Jenny's friends?
- But that's the squonk?
- It wasn't the squonk.
Any ideas who it was?
Wow, look at all this.
Kinda seems like we might not
be going home tonight after all.
Yeah, that sucks.
You know what doesn't? This garlic sauce.
It was the last person
the squonk had killed.
It was a
- Ghost!
- It's a squonk ghost!
I told you!
It's just Mr. Johnson.
I'm not a ghost. I'm Denzel Washington
in Gladiator II.
"King Kong ain't got crap on me."
That quote's not from that movie.
"I'm a man on fire."
Almost.
Should we get those kids
that ran off into the woods?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Y'all go left. I'ma grab
my emergency equipment and go right.
Needs salt.
Who asked you, Casper?
Get out of my kitchen.
It's gonna take me like 30 seconds
to find them
with my industrial thermal imaging device.
"Indecipherable"?
How does the Predator live like this?
Guess it's time to do it
the old-fashioned way.
Assess the environment.
Pick up their scent.
Identify changes to the flora.
Students, where are you?
- [STUDENT 6] Here!
- [STUDENT 8] We're by the tree.
- [STUDENT 6] Can you hear us?
- [STUDENT 8] We're over here.
I don't think they would've come this far.
I don't know.
One time, I was scared by
my own shadow, and I flew to Bryn Mawr.
I just ran all the way there.
Maybe we should turn around.
- You heard
- What?
- Squonk. It was a squonk.
- What? No! Wait! Wasn't a squonk.
It's a squirrel. It's a squirrel.
It's a squirrel.
It's a squirrel and a Checkers bag.
- Oh, my God. Where?
- All right.
It was that Checkers bag.
Wait. Was it that Checkers bag?
Why are there so many Checkers bags?
Because their fries are delicious.
Are we lost?
Hey, yo. We lost?
It's been 30 minutes, guys.
I'm really starting to worry
about Janine and Gregory.
They are fine. If they got
in any trouble, they'd just call.
Yeah, I guess.
No, I'm just gonna call them just to
make super-duper sure they are okay.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [MR. JOHNSON] Whoa.
That phone rang just as you dialed.
Almost as if you were calling
that exact phone.
I'm so sick of them not getting my jokes.
- This is Janine's phone.
- [MELISSA] Oh, God.
And this is Gregory's.
We wouldn't be in this predicament
if we had fences, right?
Like Denzel in the movie?
He did not say fences in the movie Fences.
Nope.
I didn't realize I was dealing
with a bunch of movie experts.
Okay. They are in the woods
without their phones.
Okay.
Phoneless out here? Not great.
They're not me.
They don't have the skills.
- [JACOB] All right. I'm gonna pass out.
- No.
Okay, you can literally
see a Lowe's from
the steps of the bathroom. They're fine.
No, no, no. This is literally my fault.
I'm gonna go look for them.
- I'm coming with.
- Great.
Ava, I need your lifesaver.
You gonna have to take it from me.
[LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
- [JACOB] We're coming!
It's official merchandise.
[JANINE] Gregory, can I ask you a question
that I'm pretty sure
I already know the answer to?
- Yeah.
- Are we like deeply lost, huh? Right?
I wouldn't say deeply.
Okay. 'Cause to me, it just kind
of feels like, you know,
we're completely in the dark,
and we don't know which way to go.
We don't know where the kids are.
We're gonna get "squonked."
Hey. It's okay.
We're still within the city.
- Okay.
- We just gotta get our bearings.
Are you looking for a rescue plane?
No, but you can see the stars from here.
See, there's Orion's Belt
and the Big Dipper.
And there's Mufasa. Right there.
[SIGHS]
Might not be a quiet night at home,
but it is really beautiful out here.
Yeah, it really is.
Make sure to stay close, Barb.
And keep an eye out for poison ivy.
I'm not entirely sure
what it looks like, but
Oh, my God. Remember when
Gregory stole gardening from us?
[CHUCKLES]
Feel free to jump in
on this conversation, Barb.
Barb?
- Ow!
- [SQUAWKS]
- Did you hear that?
- [SQUAWKS]
Wait. Where are you going? Don't leave me.
You know, it was really cool seeing
you out here with the Goofballs earlier.
Kinda made me wanna start my own club.
What about step club?
That's really more of Ava's thing now,
and I love that for her and the kids.
Kinda wanna do a club
with something I'm really good at.
Okay. What kind of club would you start?
I don't know yet.
It'll come to you.
- Worm club? That's too niche.
- [CHUCKLES]
- No.
- Yeah.
Not like a shoe club.
Squonk club. Garden club.
I think you can sleep on it.
What about fashion club?
- Fashion club?
- Yeah, I made this.
I think the kids would really love
that. And I also think
you'd be good at it.
- It's the damn squonk.
- It's just me.
It's not a squonk. It's an Earth angel.
- Barbara. You found us.
- I was worried about you.
Thank you.
You know, camp is only
about 30 yards that way.
Oh. You're just as beautiful
as I remember. Look at you.
How are you doing?
How are the kids? How old are they now?
They're fine and accounted for
and eating by the fire.
All right. Well, let's head out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, we've got everything
under control down there.
So, why don't you two just enjoy
some more peace and quiet?
- Thanks, Barb.
- Nothing like the great outdoors.
Okay.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
And I'm just out there just thinking,
like, is this it? Is this where we die?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could hear
youse guys talking, like, from here.
Okay. Well, I'm just happy to be back
and in front of this amazing fire.
You're damn right it's amazing.
That's a Coleman-brand fire.
- TM.
- Oops, she's leaning.
Mr. Johnson, if you would.
- Boo.
- [ALL] Ooh.
Never underestimate the power of trash.
Um. Hello. I hate to intrude,
but I'm gonna have to insist
you all disperse immediately.
What? Why?
Well, you're breaking
about 500 different laws.
Name one, khaki man.
Well, Denzel from Gladiator II,
there's trespassing to start.
Then, we've got you cooking
next to foliage,
open flame on public space,
burning trash, unauthorized gathering.
- No, no, no, no, no. We have a permit.
- [ALL] Yeah.
Uh, yeah,
that says Philly Parks Access.cob.
We're Philly Park Access.com.
It's invalid.
All right. So we're all set up, right?
So maybe we can just
stay the night, right?
- Because everyone wants to stay the night.
- [ALL] Yeah.
We'll clean everything up.
Nobody will ever know we were here.
I'm sorry, IMAX screen and Ryan Coogler.
- Oh. He got it.
- Oh.
No, this isn't even a sanctioned campsite.
You know what? I don't think I like
the tone of your voice there, Slim.
- Well, I'm loving yours, April O'Neil.
- Thank you.
Think about the children.
- Kids, give 'em your sad faces. Do it.
- [BARBARA] Yeah, go.
No, no. All right. Hold the phone.
Whose, uh, metal flusher is that?
- It depends.
- It's ours.
Yeah. And compared to the bathrooms
here in the park,
it is basically the Taj Mahal.
Compared to my house, it's the Taj Mahal.
You could use it
- if we can stay.
- Deal.
- Really?
- Yeah. IBS try, baby girl.
Just promise me you guys are out of here
by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow, okay?
I've got a hacky sack league semifinals
tomorrow, and my hands are tied.
[CHEERING]
Give the one on the left a few minutes.
Good looking out, little Loompa.
The voice of the forest is Mr. Bebop.
[SIGHS] You know this is the first morning
in I don't know how long
that I woke up
and did not immediately yawn.
Same. I'm feeling legitimately rested.
You guys, the pep
is officially returning to my step.
[BARBARA]
I knew they needed a little rejuvenation.
This trip was as much for them
as it was for the students.
Imagine always being right.
Anyone want a high-capacity
3,000-liter water filtration system?
Yoink.
That's right. I am no longer
a gadget-reliant prepper.
I'm the supreme gadget.
I'm ready for anything.
[JACOB BREATHING HEAVILY]
- The squonk!
- I am not the squonk.
I am Jacob Merrill Hill.
Sounds squonky.
I got lost last night,
and I slept in the woods.
Oh, my God. Jacob, are you okay?
It was so bad back there.
Can you tell me if I have
any poison ivy on my back?
Yeah. Jesus!
Must have blessed you 'cause you got
nothing going on back there. It's crazy.
- I freaking missed you, guys.
- [GREGORY] Mm-mmm.