Animal Control (2023) s05e05 Episode Script

1
- [DOG HOWLS]
- What is up with these huskies?
If they're not howlin',
they're yowlin'.
And I walked them for over an hour.
Yeah, but did you do a Patel walk,
where you just go down to the bench
and watch Netflix on your phone?
No. My cell service was being weird.
They're bored.
Huskies are a working breed
that gain purpose by
generating income for others.
I think the one in kennel 3
has perfect pitch.
Like a young Mariah Carey.
[HUSKY HOWLS]
But yeah, we should
probably tire them out.
[BARKING]
Welcome to the first annual
chair-ditarod,
which is totally for
the dog's benefit.
Remember, Frank, this is a snow sport.
It's my natural habitat.
Yeah, but I've read every
Jack London book
at least twice,
usually during a cold plunge.
So, prepare to suck it.
[PATEL] Okay!
First one to complete
a loop out to the street,
around the smoothie shop
and back wins.
Bonus points if you make it
over the teeter-totter.
Take your marks.
[BARKING]
[VICTORIA] Get set.
[BARKING]
Mush!
[BOTH] Ugh!
[BOTH GROAN]
I spit my blood further, I win.
[VOCALIZING]
You gotta make sure you poop too.
What are you guys looking at?
Second Tuesday of every month.
Kitty litter delivery guy. Mm-hmm.
[SEXY MUSIC PLAYS] Yeah, babe ♪
I'm checking you out
Looks like you're checking
me out too. ♪
Oh, my.
Sorry, honey.
No, I get it. Dude's a beefcake.
Mr. Fake Muscles?
You know it's all steroids.
Looks like an East German
track and field star.
And I bet he could shot put me.
Imagine it.
Rolling me up into a little ball,
cradling me in the nape
of his veiny neck,
and then just
hurling me around the room.
Yeah, until his heart explodes.
Don't change the channel, Frank.
Oh! Dr. Moore.
As our resident veterinarian,
can I get your opinion on
a troubling animal?
Do you think Brett,
the delivery guy, is juicing?
Whatever he's doing, it's working.
- Am I right?
- Oh, yeah.
This guy gets it.
It's a big order.
What are you feeding these cats?
Steroid-free diet.
We don't cut corners around here.
At least I don't. I keep it natural.
Seriously. Test me.
I'll give you a cup of clean urine.
That looks really heavy.
Yeah. He does seem to be struggling.
Step aside as the last
honest man lightens your load.
Oh, you don't have to
[FRANK GRUNTS]
I'd let him club me in the head
and drag me back to his cave.
You should ask him out.
You've been complaining
you haven't had a date
since you became a pig mom.
I prefer the term P'MILF.
Okay? And
yeah, the swine is cramping my style.
I'm in a dry spell.
You know who I've got my eye on?
For completely different reasons.
Dr. Moore.
He seems like such a good hang.
I still haven't made a friend
since my family left,
and he'd be perfect.
He's cool, he's got a solid
fist bump technique.
Mets fan, so he loves an underdog.
We can't just stand here
in front of our dream guys.
Let's ask them out.
Okay. I'm in if you're in.
[PATEL] But what would I even
say to him? I mean,
do you think you can help me
come up with some icebreakers?
Dang. She's quick.
Hey. How's it going
with your big load?
Oh, faster than usual.
Looks like I picked up an assistant.
[FRANK GROANS]
Do not encourage him.
Anyways, I was thinking seven.
A seven what?
7:00 PM is when you can
pick me up for our date.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah, sounds great.
- Okay.
[FRANK GROANS]
Brett! Another bag ripped.
What kind of scam are you running?
Ignore the old man.
He yelled the same
thing at a Girl Scout.
[MEWS]
Look at that cool cat
weighing a bunch of cool cats.
Yep. These are the ones
we found in that
thrift store donation box.
Nice, nice.
Hey, listen, I was thinkin'
How would you feel
about a little post-work hang?
I mean post-work today.
Not when we retire.
Oh, I'm on call.
Yeah, no, I understand.
I could do something
in the neighborhood.
Really?
That'd be great.
I'll think of something you'll love.
Sorry. I'm sterile for the cats.
Just, um
do one of these.
Sweet, bro. Cool, cool. See ya.
Technically, he's a pig,
but his vibe is very Labrador
and hello?
Oh, man.
Are you okay?
No.
Not a single dog hotel in town
will take Piggy tonight
so that I can go on my date.
My only option is
to dress him like a person
and try a regular hotel.
I'm sorry. I'd offer to help,
but some approachable hottie
asked me on a date.
It's Shred. He's taking me to dinner.
That's right.
They said we couldn't go
the distance, but here we are.
Big four-year anniversary.
Of the day we met.
We've only been dating for 25 weeks.
But, you know,
Shred wants to make it special.
And it will be. Now
I'm gonna go clean out my car.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Because I know
my lady likes a tidy chariot.
[BRITISH ACCENT] I do.
Wow.
So, Shred planned a date.
Where's he taking you?
Trampoline park?
No, he's taking me to Il Sorpasso.
Wait, stop! The place is so fancy.
A lot of the married men
I dated got engaged there.
Mhm. Okay.
You don't think that Shred's
gonna pop the question tonight,
do you?
What? No!
No, it's way too soon.
I mean, is it for him?
He's a corny romantic, and
he's had all those concussions
so he has impulse control issues.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, Frank. Um
This is crazy, but Shred hasn't
said anything in the truck
about proposing to me, has he?
Possibly, but I've gotten
so good at tuning him out.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Frank.
That was five percent
too chipper. What do you want?
You're the only one not going
on a date tonight.
Can you please watch my pig
so that I can go out with Hunky Brett?
Why do you wanna date that
artificially enhanced goon?
'Cause he's freakin' huge?
And why do you care
who I go out with anyway?
Are you jealous?
The only person I've ever been
jealous of is Teddy Roosevelt
and maybe some of his Rough Riders.
Just pig-sit, please!
I haven't been on a date
since I got Piggy. Come on.
I'll do your paperwork for a week.
- One year.
- One month.
Two months.
Deal. Insanely unfair
but accepted deal.
This is my first night away
from Piggy, so I need you
to send me pictures
so that I know he's okay.
Pictures? Three months.
Extorting a single mom.
Wow.
They name laws
after villains like you.
Marry me?
Yes! Yes.
Aww. That's so nice.
- It is.
- Isn't it, though?
Um, it's a little showy, but
No. It's perfect.
Oh! Whoa, no.
We didn't, we didn't order this.
Ah, but we did, my darling.
I thought it'd be nice
to have something festive
to toast with.
Now, if you'll allow me
to get serious.
Oh 'kay.
Thank you so much.
- To us.
- Mhm.
I know our journey hasn't been
the most traditional.
From secret yearning,
to secret dating, to
being publicly outed
and your subsequent suspension.
But you know what?
- I wouldn't change a thing.
- Aww, same.
I mean, I could've done without
the suspension, but, yeah.
- Um, cheers to that.
- Oh!
- I'm not done yet.
- Oh?
This past year was the best of my life
and I am so excited for our future.
Me too, as well.
But I have to go
to the bathroom, so
[PHONE RINGING]
Sorry, one sec.
So, Shred is gonna propose tonight.
Congratulations, girl!
Uh, what? No, it's too soon.
Well, do you want me to fix your hair?
Uh, no. Get outta here, please!
Okay, and you're sure he's proposing?
Like 92 percent sure.
Oh, crackers,
he's fiddling with something
in his jacket pocket.
Okay, now I'm 99 percent sure.
Describe the room to me.
Is there anything that can be
used as an escape exit?
Like, I don't know,
a window or an AC duct.
[EMILY] I can't just bail.
Actually, uh, I'm sorry to ask
this on your one pig-free night,
but could you come crash my date?
Are you insane?
You've seen Brett's arms.
Okay, hear me out.
If Shred asks, I'll have to say no
because I'm not ready.
And he'll say, that's fine,
but we both know it won't be fine
because he'll suddenly
be second-guessing
our entire relationship.
And I really don't want him to do that
because I really love being with him.
But he won't propose
if you're here, so
Can you come save my relationship?
Do you mind
if we make a quick pit stop?
I just have to help my best
friend ruin her proposal.
I'll be really, really quick.
Cool.
Brett says "cool".
[FRANK] Forty-seven, forty-eight,
forty-nine, fifty.
Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Let's send mommy a proof
of life of life thirst trap.
[CAMERA SNAPS]
D'aww! That's a winner.
Or do you like this one better?
Nah. Nailed it. Sending.
Is it just me,
or are the seat warmers on?
- No, seriously. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let me make sure these are
- If those yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Can you give me one second?
Frank's pig-sitting. Frank speaking.
Hi. I think you accidentally sent me
your Farmer's Only dating profile pic.
Is my Piggy good or what?
Well, you said send pictures,
so I sent you a photo of us
in an unguarded moment. He's fine.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Please take good care of him.
Because he's the number one
piggy in all the land!
And I love him so much!
That's something that I say to him.
And you can do that too
- [CRASHING SOUND]
- [PIGGY SQUEALS]
What was that?
Uh, yeah, okay. Um
Well, I gotta go.
Bad pig!
Oh, you ingested enough HGH
to keep an entire Gold's Gym
jacked for a month.
[SNORTING]
Piggy, stop!
Doc, Hopper, take cover!
He's hulking out!
♪
Oh! Don't go, don't go!
Can we have another one?
We just love live music.
Maybe we should share
the violinist with some
of the other tables.
No, they can hear.
The acoustics are amazing.
Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
Another one? Wow.
I thought there was
a dating crisis in this country.
[VICTORIA] Emily!
[EMILY] Oh, my God!
Victoria?
What? This is such a small world.
Hey, uh, what are you doing here?
I just heard it was really good.
Oh, wow.
And you were able to get reservations?
'cause I had to book these weeks ago.
You know Brett?
You know, I know Brett,
but I don't, like, know Brett.
So, you know, why don't you guys
just pull up a chair
and, um, join us?
Oh, thanks.
I don't think they do that here.
It's fine. We'll just tip 30 percent.
[GRUNTS] Mind scoochin' over?
So cozy.
I know Uncle Frankie's
beefcake juice is making you
feel really good about
your body right now,
but you need to calm dow ahh!
Heel! Stop!
Piggy, come on!
I know you feel awesome.
You look great.
Come on! Come on!
[FRANK] Doc, Hopper!
Don't engage! He's nuts!
Are you taking me to a Mets bar?
Yeah! You haven't been?
That's crazy.
First round's on me.
They got this cocktail
named after Darryl Strawberry.
It's a mango margarita.
I'm joshing. It's a daiquiri.
Oh, I can't drink. I'm on call, so.
I won't tell if you don't.
I haven't really watched baseball
since my stepdad moved out.
Really?
Why did I think you were
such a big Mets fan?
I don't know.
I haven't thought about
my stepdad in a long time.
[PHONE PINGS]
Oh, Frank's having a pig emergency.
He can be a bit dramatic
about these things.
We should just go to the bar,
order us some cheese piazzas,
and then we'll reevaluate.
Sorry, Patel.
Duty calls.
It's kinda why I wanted
to take two cars.
I'll drive.
You got this guy all night, brother.
- Rolling to a second location.
- Wow.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, so back to the kitty litter.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Would your company ever consider
doing any high-end scents?
So, here's the thing about cats,
is that they don't actually
really like scents.
- Oh.
- No way!
- [BRETT] Yeah.
- What the hell?
Uh, sorry, I have to make
a call, I'll be right back.
It's a nice place.
My sister got engaged here.
Oh.
Frank.
Why is Dr. Moore asking
for my pet insurance?
Well, he wasn't supposed to do that.
Put Piggy on the phone, please.
Oh, he's all curled up
in a nap right now.
I got this. You go enjoy
your date with Bane.
No.
Guys, um
I have to go. Piggy's in trouble.
Oh. Well, good luck. Drive safe.
You guys be good.
- Uh, we should go, too.
- What?
Yeah, I think this is
an all hands-on-deck situation.
Yeah, sure. Let's all go.
- Come on!
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh my.
Okay, I'm getting less cool with that.
It's okay, little buddy.
Thanks, Frank.
Totally doc-blocked me.
There's no puns in this house.
Get out.
How's Piggy doing?
Overall, vitals seem stable.
Uh, his pulse is a little high.
[VICTORIA] Pig!
You're a dead man, Frank.
Hi, baby! Hi.
Relax. Pigs can eat anything.
They famously consume
entire murder victims.
What exactly happened?
Well, he was rooting
around in my dopp kit.
- And what do you keep in there?
- Oh, like
skin care lotions, liquid iron, and
there's
No, that's it.
Frank, I will kick you.
Tell us what the pig ate, Frank.
I mean, was it beard dye?
I bet it was Viagra.
We remember what happened
with Julie S.
Ozempic makes so much sense.
HGH!
The pig ate my human growth hormone.
- [VICTORIA] What?!
- [BRETT] Oh
Oh, Frank.
This was actually good news.
Growth hormones are species specific.
- Ah!
- In this case,
a sad, sad human.
If you were gonna alter
yourself, Frank,
you should've started
with your personality.
Well, I have heard it can make
you very emotional.
Well, that has not been my experience.
Okay, Em,
let's go back to Il Sorpasso.
I wanna do the thing
where I sniff a wine cork
and then nod.
Uh, you know, do you mind
if we just stay here?
'Cause, you know,
Victoria might need something.
Okay. What is up?
Because you've been acting
weird all night.
You obviously invited Victoria
and the hunky delivery guy
to our romantic dinner.
And then before that, you kept
sneaking off to the bathroom.
Which was cute at first,
but then very concerning. [GASPS]
All the hallmarks of a raging UTI.
I thought you were gonna propose.
What?
I wasn't gonna propose. It's too soon.
Oh, thank God. I was
I was terrified.
You were terrified of spending
the rest of your life with me?
No. Not terrified.
More like
worried or very scared.
So, terrified.
No. But you agree with me?
It's too soon, right?
I mean, we've only been out
as a couple for a few months.
We're still in the honeymoon period.
Well, the honeymoon period's feeling
a little rough right now.
Lot of assumptions.
Lot of wasted prepaid appetizers.
Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But you see how I got there, right?
I mean, you're a romantic,
and you can be kind of
impulsive because the
Because of the what?
Victoria mentioned your concussions.
I don't see that at all.
Like, I don't see that
Once again, wow.
Okay, clearly this was
a misunderstanding,
now I'm just making it worse.
So, can we just pretend like
this dinner never happened?
No! Because I'm hungry.
And I'm going back
for the prix-fixe that I paid for.
The what? The
My sweet little muscle beach baby.
You're so cute.
Don't worry, we're gonna
flush out those
toxins so you don't get
too big and strong.
- Hey, um
- Oh, hi.
Uh, I think I'm gonna head out.
Seems like you got your hands
pretty full over here.
No, no, he's doing great.
I just have to give him a pig
suppository in 20 minutes.
Yeah, I just, I think we're in
two different places right now.
Not to sound like an idiot
or anything, but
I just wanna work on my body
and have sex.
Yeah, I also wanna work
on your body and have sex.
Goodbye, Victoria.
No, wait. Wait!
You put Piggy in danger and you ruined
my first chance to have sex
in, like, weeks.
Great service. Do you accept tips?
Well, you distracted me
with all your
helicopter mom check-ins.
And if you're that worried,
maybe you shouldn't be going
out on dates with a cantaloupe
wearing a mullet wig.
You're so hung up on Brett.
Well, it's hard not to stare,
because at some point,
he's gonna pop,
and I don't wanna miss it.
Just admit it. You're jealous.
You're jealous and I know why.
It's because of what happened
at the hotel in Bellingham.
All I remember from that hotel
in Bellingham is winning
officer of the year and being
a shirtless hero to my people.
You don't remember your room?
Where we almost kissed?
Okay. We're talking about it.
Yeah, we're gonna talk about it.
You leaned in.
You grossly misremember.
You leaned in.
I did not lean in. I don't lean in.
You were like
No. You were like
Victoria, I'm having
a relationship moment.
Can we just talk it out real quick?
Frank, I'm glad you're here too.
Oh, I love being cornered
and supporting my friends.
- Okay, so I feel like
- You messed up.
He has a right to be mad.
Just apologize.
Honestly, I'm I just
I do not have the energy
to girl down with you
on this right now.
I have a pig who needs meds,
and let's just say
it requires a rubber glove.
I'm sorry about that.
And sometimes I do dye my beard.
Thanks for coming with me, man,
I needed this.
I mean, Emily acted like
me proposing belonged in
a Saw movie or something.
We both struck out.
I can't believe Dr. Moore ditched me.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I keep a man?
Nothing is wrong with you, okay?
You're lonely, your family's
out of town, that's all.
You know what's gonna
take me outta this?
Turn it right around?
That steak Fiorentina.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I'm salivating
just thinking about
Okay.
Got it.
Let me save you some time
and go ahead and dump myself.
I promise we'll hang out soon, buddy.
Man, it is tough out there.
Hi.
Hello.
First of all, I owe you an apology.
I'm so sorry.
I should never have called
Victoria to come here.
I should've just been honest with you.
I just was worried.
Terrified. You said terrified.
Yeah. Okay.
I also just said I was sorry.
[VIOLIN PLAYS]
Can you just give us, like,
one minute?
Maybe read the room, man.
I was panicked, okay?
Because I love where we are right now,
and I love where I think we're going,
and I don't wanna skip any steps.
And if you did,
maybe it meant that we weren't
on the same page, and that was
really terrifying because
I just, I really want this to work.
I really want this to work too.
Good!
Um, because you made me
realize something.
I am ready to take that next step.
So
Shred Purnell Taylor,
do you wanna move in with me?
Yes!
- I do! I really do.
- Yeah? You do?
[APPLAUSE]
Mmm! What?
Oh, sorry. I didn't order this.
- I did!
- [SHRED] Oh.
Thank you.
I met her in the bathroom.
I don't know.
[FRANK] Oh, hey.
I didn't realize you were
pulling an all-nighter.
Keep it down. He finally crashed.
And you know what they say.
Let sleeping pigs lie.
Yeah, I just got Hopper
and Doc Whiskers down.
Tonight was a lot of excitement.
Like when the mailman and the UPS guy
showed up at the same time.
I
I'm not the type of guy to
normally talk about this stuff,
but and I can't believe
I'm going to admit it.
To a coworker no less.
But maybe I am jealous.
Of Brett's muscles.
You're impossible.
I mean, his body is incredible.
I mean, he's gotta be on something.
Could you go on another date
with him and look inside
- his medicine cabinet?
- Mm-hmm.
I gotta know what he's doing.
We're leaving.
And I'm not doing your paperwork.
[HUSKIES HOWLING]
Man, these are way better
than office chairs.
Patel, move!
Reigning champ goes first.
Bup-bup-bup-bup. Easy, Lance.
Clean athletes only.
Yeah. Letting you ride
would send the wrong message
to all the young
chair-ditarod fans out there.
All right, well, what about her?
Tests came back clean.
- [PIGGY SNORTS]
- His. Not mine.
Ready!
[VICTORIA] Set!
Mush!
[CHEERING]
Well, like Tom Cruise,
I do all my own running.
sync & corrections awaqeded