Brassic (2019) s05e05 Episode Script

1
If that's another fucking Lithuanian
living in my roof
Honestly!
You lot love attics!
Kip in the barn
and piss in the field.
It'll be a lot easier!
Aaaaaaaargh!
# THE BEATLES:
Money
Fucking hell!
Who's died, then?
Oh, the Millers.
They were in a cult.
You might have
read about it. Dead messy!
But at least now
they're with their
Alien Overlord,
or whatever
the fuck they
thought would happen
when they blasted
each other's
brains out. RIP.
You're er
quite weird, you,
aren't you?
Oh, thanks
'Ey, if you ever
wanna come over
and try your hand
at embalming, just
er give us a bell.
Might do.
Fucking hell!
I'm not ten.
Jesus Christ!
Do you know what I mean Did you do
some sexy flirting up there?
No. Fuck off.I thought we were here
to sort my loft out!
We are! Are you
sure it's Cardi's
fucking fault?
Vinnie, the rats
have made a nest
out of pizza boxes,
which didn't come from me,
cos I don't eat -Foreign food.
- foreign fucking food!All right.
All right.There's too many
for traps, and poison - no chance.
My sheep might eat it.
Why would your sheep eat poison
in a fucking loft in a barn?
Have you seen them goats
that can climb mountains?
Er
Well, what's to stop a fucking sheep
going up a ladder?
I couldn't help overhearing
that you've got a bad case
of the Rattus Rattus.
Given the scale of the problem,
right,
there's only one man you can trust
who can fix this.
Fucking Rat Catcher?
But you lads
..can call me Curtis.
Hey, fuck me, you never said
it were Curtis Plum!
Curtis Plum the DJ?
That's right, yeah.Ex-DJ.
OhI binned that hedonistic
lifestyle 15 years ago.
I heard you had a breakdown.
I had a fucking epiphany!
(His bird shacked up
with another bloke
and he smashed up a Londis
with a cricket bat.)
I donated my decks to UNICEF
and realised what my true calling
in life was.Killing rats?
Amen.
How much do you want
for fuckin' murdering a ton of 'em
in his loft?
I don't work for money.
Well, neither do we, most of
the fucking time, do we?
What do you want?I want
my old manager Mickey's ashes.
In his wife's house, in the lounge,
in an urn.
Here's the address.
Charming 'Ere, don't lose it.
Once they're in my possession,
I'll get rid of your rats.
How about that for a deal?
All right.We're gonna have
to hurry up on this, Vin.
If the council get wind of this,
I'm fucked.
All right.I'm already
on a Section 1026 notice.Sound.
Cunts! It should've been
a Section 1045, if anything
All right, now.
..or a Section 1022.
I did have a Section 1009 once -
Stop!- but that got overturned.
Shut the fucking
Stop saying numbers at me! Dickhead.
I'm gonna send our Ashley round
to scope out the scene.
If it's clear, we'll get that shit
for you tonight. Get gone. Go on.OK.
Buzzin'!
So I googled the wife, right?
Her name is Gina Mead.
She was in a girl band in the '80s
called Pink Ordeal
and has been on Top Of The Pops
not once, not twice,
but, would you believe it,
three times.Shut the fuck up.
Listen to me.
We're robbing her fucking house,
not writing her autobiography,
are we?Biography.Eh?
It'd be "biography". If we were
writing it, it'd be a biography.
"Auto" means "oneself".
Like "autofellate" -
to nosh yourself off.
Can you do that?If I've been
keeping up my Pilates, then yes.
I fucking I swear to God,
I'm gonna autofellate the lot of you,
if you keep wittering on.
You're getting on my tits.
Good evening, fellas.
Shit.
Big fella, short fella,
chubby fella
and one with a hideous neck tattoo.
All right, weirdegg
with a moustache
I can have you for that - offensive
language.You fucking started it!
I was just letting you know
that I've clocked youup here,
in the old grey jotter!
Fuck me
All fine. Carry on.
Bye, then.
Officer.
Turd
Fucking hell.
What an idiot.Fucking idiot
I can't find me fucking eye hole!
Shit!You fucking lemon.
Don't drop it, you dick!
Just walk round.
You can just walk round, like this.
Oh, bollocks.
Right, come on.
Take 'em off.
What?Take the ballies off.
We look cool, though.
Shh, quiet. She might be inside.
Jesus Crap!
What the fuck?
You said there weren't any dogs
here, Ashley.That's not a dog.
It's a meerkat, or something.
Looks like a wig.It's a fucking
dog. Get it before it barks.
God, dude, it's a mutant.
Hiya.His name's Tommo.
Look at his tag.
What?
It's called fucking Little Tommo,
in't it?
Get in the fucking house.
Ah, bingo.
What are you doing?Let me go, dude.
Me first, you fucking lemon.
Shh!
Oh, fuck.
There's four of them!
Shit, which one's Mickey's, then?
Put that fucking dog down.
My beloved spouse.
Love of my life. Darling husband.
I've got no fucking idea.Shit.
Fuck it, let's just take any of 'em.
Whoa!Fuckin' hell!You picked
the wrong house this time!
What are you doing?
Go and fight her!Yaaa!
Ow! Fuck me
Bloody hell!
# DICK DALE: Misirlou
Argh! Fuckin' hell!
She bit me, lads. Ow!
Oh
Aaargh!
We're just here
for the urn
that has Mickey in it.
You what? Who sent you?
Eh?
It wasn't Curtis Plum, was it?
No, it weren't. No.
I'm gonna smash 'em all!
I'll punch your dog!
You wouldn't. Oh!
Go! Go in that van!
Curtis Plum's a fucking liar!
Tell him I hope he gets
leprosy of the arsehole!
I swear, I thought she was
gonna smash that fucking - Whoa!
Oof!
Er
Fuck, dude!
I think I broke my nose again.
It's too big, Dad.
It's not too big..
There you go.
All right.Aww
Thanks for the bike, Vin.
Oh, you're all right.
I haven't nicked it off a kid.
How's therapy going?
It's good.
Yeah?
Yeah, it's all right.
Do you feel like it's helping?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, it must be.
Yeah.
What's going on between us, Vin?
How do you mean?
Oh, come on. You know what I mean.
Erm
Fucking hell, that seat's
too high up.It's fine.
It's not, cos if he falls off
He won't fall off.
Just leave it.
Just let me have a fiddle with it.
Vin?I'll come back in a sec.
Come here to me. Show me a wheelie.
# SUPERTRAMP: Goodbye Stranger
I can't believe you sent
this Curtis Plum guy
your grandmother's ring!
Ah, I was 14 years old.
It's not like I did it last week.
Yeah, but why?Oh, everybody
knew him and wanted him
..wanted to feel his body
pressed up against theirs
in a night of explosive passion!
Rumour had it
..that he was a big lad
Oh!
..and that he could ride you
till sunrise
and still have enough left
in the tank
to smash the gee out of you
and your best friendOh, God!
..after a light breakfast.
You know?
All right!
Peep, peep, motherfucker!
Someone's told me that you wanna meet
a decrepit old DJ.
CAROL: I'm getting the ring back.
Fucking hell, here we go.
Oh, God
Fellas!Mm.
Ladies
Are we sorted, or what? Did you
get 'em?Been a bit of a mishap.
Mishap, how?
Per-fucking-fecto.
You happy?Mm.
Fabulous!
See?Do you fancy coming in
for a brew, or what?
Oh, yes, we would!
I can'tCan of worms, love.
Fuck Come on, then, Sugar.
Is that cheese in there?
Yeah, and pickle
Dude, it is a shit hole
in here. What's the deal?
Come in, come in.We'll look around
as soon as he fuckin' fucks off.
You just moved in, Curtis?
Well, yeah, sort of,
but it was about 2015
..just after my Auntie Moira died.
Yeah.
She used to like things neat.
Actually, guys,
can you just give me a minute?
I'm just gonna have
a littletidy-up.Yeah, yeah.
You do that.
Thanks for having us.
Jesus, lads, this
place is like a murderer lives here.
Hey!I swear to God.
Keep your fucking voice down.
He's not a murderer.
He's an oddly topless, sensual DJ.
Vincent, he's got hooks on the
fucking ceiling and he kills rats.
Serial-killer shit, in't it?
Yeah, and he never wears a top.
Jeffrey Dahmer never wore a top.
Yes, he did.
Fred West wore tops.
Ted Bundy wore tops.
I've got a Ted Bundy top.
You've got a Ted BAKER top.
Stop talking about
what serial killers wore bloody tops!
He's a fucking DJ - that's it.
He's a nice fella. He's sensitive.
He's a DJ - right,
cos they're all nice lads, them
Way-hay! Now, then.
Now, then.Now, then.
Thanks for having us.
Come in. Make yourself at home.
Right, yeah, justHey!
Sorry.
Do you have any chairs, or
Jeez, chairs!
Look, I'm so used to not having any,
that I didn't even notice
that the
There you are, love.
You're up the duff, aren't you?
It's not quite the phrase
I'd use, butthanks.
I don't really have many visitors.
Just thinking out loud, but do you
reckon you don't have any visitors
cos you don't have any chairs?
Maybe I got rid of the chairs
cos nobody came round.
Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
Jeez, I forgot Mickey!
Mickey Hm!
Can you just excuse me a minute?
Actually, it would mean a lot
..if you could all be there.
# THE HEAVY: Short Change Hero
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks for being here.
Pissing on him
So long, you fucking prick!
Ooh!
Hello!
Brew?
Sorry about
the ereclectic array of cups,
but there is a lot of you,
in't there?
Dude, what's all this shit in here?
What do you mean?
What do you mean? It's madness.
It's madness, innit?
This can't all be from rat catching,
love.Well, you'd be surprised.
But yeah, you know,
once I had my er
Mental breakdown?
Epiphany
..I couldn't bear to be parted
from objects of great beauty.
Mm, I can see that,
but all this shit now, dude,
it's anxiety-inducing, the gaff.
I'm riddled with anxiety.
I've been here ten minutes.
I can't imagine how you feel!
There you go.
What can I say, brother?
Tidying just isn't my thing.
Mm.
I've thought about getting
someone in once,
but they just want money.
Unbelievable, eh? Some people!
Well, we can
we can clean the house, can't we?
Yeah, yeah. Let us help you out,
get rid of all this mess.
I suppose a spring clean
might be good idea,
although a lot of this stuff
is very precious to me!
Valuable.
I've got some unopened nappies
somewhere in the house.
You can have them as payment.
Aww, thank you.
Well, that sorts that right out,
don't it? 'Ey, listen,
I want you up at Jim's farm
tomorrow morning, 9am.
Three, two, one.
He's two fucking hours late, Vin!
For the love of Christ!
Listen, Rentokil give you
an 'alf-day window, didn't they?
So you're still up
on the fucking deal. Stop whining!
Here he is, look.
Finally!
Morning.
Oh, here he is.
Efficient, I see
The right fucking season,
at least I overslept.
It's a good job
you've been "paid" already,
because
I'd be docking your wages now.
I don't like your harsh attitude,
brother.
I'll come back when you're
full of peace and love.You'll have
a long fucking wait, pal!
Hang on a minute! I'm sorry
about him. Just listen!
He's always been this way
and he has got a load of rats
shagging the life out of his loft,
so we need it sorting.
Council's pecking his head now,
aren't they?
So be fucking nice.
Pretty please.
Hmm
You prick.
Pillock!
So what's the sleeping bag for -
dead rat overflow
I like to nest in with them,
you know, till t'job's done.
And Mrs Ratcatcher's
happy with that, is she?
Mrs? No.
I'm young, free and single, brother.
It's not gonna be a problem,
me staying, is it, Vin?
Cos I think, you know, it's best
I'm out the way
while the girls clear the house
and you know
it's gonna be tough for me
watching my life's work
disappear in the back of a van.
Absolutely. I get it, man. I get it.
It is no fucking problem
whatsoever, is it?
Join the club!
Why not?
There's more knob ends
slept in that attic recently
than the fucking Hilton
What do you want?
Fucking room service
That'd be lovely.
SUGAR: Oh, Jesus Christ!
We'd better start.
Eurgh! Bleurgh!
Whoa Ah, maybe
we just forget about the ring.
It's not as if my gran
was that happily married.
No way! No!
Are you up for this, you?
Anything to take my mind off JJ.
Anyway, I'll need them gross nappies
that Curtis mentioned,
if I'm gonna be a single mum.
Listen, you are gonna be everything
what that baby needs, all right?
Anyway, you're not single -
you can stay at my house for as long
as you like.Mm. Right
Where do we start?
Cousin Fergal will be over later
in his dead-nan van
and he will rid this place
in no time
and he will give us £200
for the pleasure.
All we have to do
is find that fecking ring.
No! Hey!
Do I look like fucking Basil Fawlty?
It's in preparation.
Preparation. Preparation.
Is this a fucking bed and breakfast?
Stop pestering me, will you?
Even the bloke with the terriers
said he could get the job
done in two days!
Still getting on, then
'Ere, lazy prick.
I'm not fucking doing that shit for
you again. Don't get used to that!
Mate, I wasn't gonna leave this
tosser in my house by himself, Vin.
In fact,
I've changed my mind on those rats.
Lets just nuke
the fucking lot of 'em!
OI!
Stop shouting, all right?
What is your fucking beef
with him? He's a sweetheart.
He don't even wear tops, Vin
and that's a black-belt wanker move.
I need to give the rats full access
to my pheromones.Right.
He wants to be up there a week.
A whole fucking week!He just don't
respect my methods, brother.
I heard him in the attic
reciting poetry to 'em!
Rats are highly intelligent mammals.
Rats are cunts!
You've gotta gain their trust,
you see.
Gain their trust, thenbam!
What do you mean? You just twat 'em
with a stick?Pretty much.Fuck me!
How do you think I maintain
12% body fat?
Well, it'sit's twatting rats
to death, in it?
I'm the Rat Master.
You need to trust what I'm doing,
trust my methods.
I actually invite them to leave
first, "mano a rato".
Then, if they don't
# WET LEG: Chaise Longue
Aargh Aaargh!
Oh, put them down!
Ooh!
Oh, heck
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
# All day long
On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
# All day long
On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
# All day long
On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
# All day long
On the chaise longue
# All day long
All day long on the chaise longue
We're never gonna get that smell
out of our nostrils.
# All day long
On the chaise longue #
I am in so much pain.
My neck
All right, tell Fergal
it's the recycling next
and then this is the stuff
that wants fixing
and then this stuff
is good for resale, yeah?
We've not even a third way
through the house yet, are we?
You know, let's just call
them dickheads so they can help.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, we need help.
We need help.
Eight hours' manual labour
and all we've got to show for it
is some old boxes of cassettes
and this lot, which
I can only assume
is an old bit of acid.
You have that.No, no, no. I'm
on the straight and narrow, mate.
Fucking hell!
Let's look at that.
Red Balloons.Huh?
99 Red Balloons.
It's fucking legendary, that stuff.
Jesus Christ!
All right. Straight and narrow.
All I'm saying is
I'm not gonna take it, am I?
It's just.
It's a collector's item.
It's vintage, yeah.
Hang on
Cardi, you angel, did you find it?
No, butwhat's this?
Oh, that IS vintage! Oh
It looks pagan.
Oh, what's it made of?
That doesn't feel like paper, that.
One way to find out.
Aaaargh!
What, what?
It's a
..a "mammary papilla".
ALL: What?It's a nipple!
It's a fucking nipple.
Is it the first dead nipple
you've had in your mouth?
It's some sort of animal skin
with tattoos.
Oh, my God, it's human.
BOTH: Waaaa!
I can still fucking taste it!
I can taste it in my mouth!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, TOMMO!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Very nice, yes.
Well done.
You, you - follow me.
Where?The one
place where I've
seen this symbol before.
Closed, my arse
WOMAN: I'm closed!
See what I mean? Unnecessary, that.
I said I'm closed!
I'm closed!
Right, yes, well, er
it is quite important, so
And I'm talking to dead people.
Ooh!
Anyway
..do you know what this is?
Rings a bell.
It's an occult symbol I had drawn on
the wall to jazz the place up a bit.
No idea how it got on your map,
however. Hmm
Map?
However, interesting.
Vellum.
Mm-hm.
Human.
Oh?Oh?Yeah
Give you twenty quid for it.
Great.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, Ashley No.
Let's get out of here.
£30.
Woo!
'Ey, sticky fingers!
Huh!
Mmm
#
OK. Yeah, I'll ask him.
£100.
The spirits are very keen
for me to have it.Tommo?
Yeah, but crucially,
what you're saying is,
you're not gonna give us
any information?Right.
Very good, lads. Onwards.
It's cursed! The map is cursed!
I curse it - and I curse you, too,
you little wanker.
Yeah, when you're 5'5" and
you hang around with these cunts,
you're pretty much cursed as it is,
so I'll take my chances.
Erm, please, please can I buy
some crystals while I'm here?Sure.
Yes!
Why didn't we take the hundred quid?
That's more than anyone else will
pay for a soggy old bit of skin
we found in Plum's gaff.
Because, Ashley, you saw the look
on the woman's face.
Whatever this map leads to
is clearly worth more
than whatever she was offering.
You mean like a treasure?
No, not fucking
Well, yeah, treasure!
Treasure!
This is weird, right?
I just hate my fucking hands!
Theytheythey're odd to me.
My fucking face is the same.
I'll look in the mirror.
Every now and then, itit feels
likeit's not my face.
Like it doesn't belong to me.
I mean, I could just be
a bloody narcissist.
You knowthinks he's fucking ugly,
or summat of that kind,
you know.
Hmm
Well, we're all narcissists
to some degree, Vinnie.
Hmm
We used to have this
..fancy-dress thing
once a year at school.
'Because Dad was always drunk,
it was, like, last minute.
Everything was last minute,
so we'd have to pull together
some sort of a fucking outfit
from around the house
..so I remember once, I wore
a snorkel with the bloody goggles
..and them fucking flipper things.
When we got to school,
my dad sort of announced me
as fucking Snorkel Boy,
or some shit like that.
He found it hilarious
but I suddenly got
really fucking embarrassed.
No-one laughed at it.
They just
stared.'
Oh, that must have been hard.
Do you remember how it affected
that little boy?
I wanted to get away from it all,
wanted to disappear,
become invisible.
Invisible?Mm.
Why?
Just how much of a fucking ugly
little weirdo must I be
to be stared at like that,
by the teachers
and by the kids
Do you think that's why you
constantly change your appearance?
You know, the tattoos and stuff
Rather than to be noticed,
you become unrecognisable
and therefore invisible?
Maybe, actually, yeah.
I justI don't
..feel like it's bloody vanity,
do you know what I mean?
I've justI've never liked
the way I looked - never.
Bloody hell!
Sometimes, when that goes off,
I'm furious
and the rest of the fucking time
I'm just relieved.
Homework.
"I must not call myself
an ugly cunt,"
and I have to write it down
a hundred times - is that it?
No, I want you to be more aware
of other people's feelings.
Seek first to understand,
then be understood.
Hmm.
It didn't work, by the way.
What's that?
You're not invisible. I can see you.
All these are from my loft?
Yeah.
Good job you don't charge
by the kilo
What did I tell you, Jim?
Trust me.
Trust you?
I know your type: ex-pretty boy,
never done an 'ard day's work
in your life!
Spraying it about all around town,
but can't turn your hand
to anything manual.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
One, I'm highly trained.
I'm the best.
Then why haven't you finished
the fucking job yet?
Two, I don't go fucking "spraying it
around town".
Not any more, anyway.
Not since erGina.
Is that the ex
who battered the lads?
Fantastic woman, Jim.
Sounds like
a total fucking nightmare.
Spirited
Strong thighs
Hey
We've all had women who make us cry.
Yeah.
Whether they break our hearts
or run off
..with our new and very fucking
expensive milking equipment.
Justmake sure
you're finished by tonight.
When you said Tommo sounded weird
on the phoneI don't know.
Well, what did he say?
He said he was at "The Lady" pub -
where the map leads, apparently.
Found any treasure yet, Tom?
Treasure?
No, no, no.
I'm looking for bones.
Yeah, she's er
helped me realise what's going on.
Obvious, when you think about it!
The garden of The Lady
is bones.
Sorry, who's this - Clara Marie?
No, you fucking idiot - the fucking
ghost lady from the Rat and Cutter!
She hmm
Oh! Gotta fill you, hadn't I?
I've hada vision.
Help me, Tommo
Find me, Tommo
She wants me to put her flesh
and her bones back together.
This was a dream?
More of a sort of waking nightmare
sort of situation, yeah.
Tommo, sorry, you haven't had
any of that old acid, by any chance?
I did, because it were vintage,
right?
But you promised Hans you wouldn't.
How about we don't tell Hans
that I've had it, then?
Go on, then, how was it?
It waspiquant, yetintense.
Yeah.
Anyway, she wants me to get
her bones back,
otherwise she's gonna have
to come and kill us all, so
..better get on with it!
Bones?
Bones!
Aww
Vincent?
All right, Davey?
I've been better.
Hmm.
All right.
Never did get to thank you properly
for the funeral.
It was really very lovely
till it all went tits up.
Ah, it was my pleasure man. Honestly.
I mean, it wasn't a fucking pleasure,
was it?
It was a shagging nightmare,
but you know what I mean.
It's fine. I'm glad I could help.
Just a shame our Barry
didn't get to see for himself
just how loved he was.
Fucking did get to see, though.
That fucking lunatic! Jesus Christ.
I still can't believe he's gone.
Mm.
Miss him terribly.
I fucking bet you do. I bet you do.
Look, you're not on your own, man.
You know, you've got
your sister Donna.Donna's a cunt.
Right. Right, then.
I mean, that's fucking news to me,
dude.
Do not fuck with her, Vincent.
I'm telling you this as a friend.
I'm glad I could help you
with your brother's funeral,
but you're not a friend. I can't
trust you after that Dylan fiasco.
What makes you so sure
that I had anything to do
with Dylan going missing?
I was extremely fond of Dylan.
Manolito has told me
that he rescued him from the back
of that fucking car boot!
And you believe him?
Yes!
How very naive of you, Vincent.
I've had a fucking text
from Dylan himself!
I fucking know it was you, Davey.
Do not fuck with her.
Fucking Fuck's sake
I hope you were trying
to make him see sense
and not just poncing about.
Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey.
What the fuck does that mean?
I've got some intel
about the pretty one.
Still fucking here?
Heartbroken or not,
I've fucking had enough of this!
Oh, yeah?
Oh, fuck
If you got rid of them all,
why are you still
in my fucking loft?
I like it up here.
It stinks of rat piss!
You lot, you've
you've been so good to me.
You know, cleaning my house,
and that, you know, and
and our little chats.
You mean me shouting at you?
It's been a long time
since I've had this kind
of connection with someone.
Hey, we do not have a connection!
And you know, my house, it's just..
It's too much, innit?
You know, it's noisy
and it's chaotic and
Well, up here in your little attic,
I've
..I've found peace.
I'm not ready to let it go just yet.
She really did a number on you,
didn't she?
Hey, peace is up here.
What you need is some closure.
MmMaybe
..post a turd through her letterbox
and tell her how much of a whore
she was for ruining your life!
I always hope one day
that I'll, you know, win her back.
Maybe not the turd thing then, 'ey?
I never stopped loving her, Jim.
It's her face I see
in every single rat that I kill.
Don't tell her that, either.
Hey, the girls have probably
cleared your house by now.
Yeah.
You should go home.
Aye.
Have a shower
..and put a fucking shirt on
..and see how you feel.
Come here.
# T REX: Cosmic Dancer
# I was dancing when I was 12
BFF, bro.
BFF.
# I was dancing when I was 12 #
Ha, ha! I knew it.
I fucking knew it!
Bones!
CLARA MARIE: You know nothing,
you fucking idiot.
What's she doing here?
We asked her to come.
She's got something to tell you
about the map.
Whatever you think is going on,
it isn't.
What I think is going on is,
I need to reunite this bit of flesh
with these bones,
so the poor lost soul
they belonged to won't wreak revenge
from beyond the grave.
Obvious, in't it?
Well, if not, why have I found
a load of bones here, then?
It's a pub garden - probably
chicken bones from a barbecue.
No, no, no, no, no.
That could be her foot bone, mate!
Ha, ha, ha! I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
No, no, no!
Stop burying my map. Stop it!
What do you mean, "your map"?
My map. Moira Plum was my lover.
Moira?
What, the Rat Catcher's auntie?
Why was she
drawing nipples on maps for you?
She was my lover and my teacher.
We've all been there.
I used to have a fella came round
and teach me maths - Mr Mackintosh.
He taught me a fair few more things
than maths, I tell you that much!
No, not a schoolteacher!
She was a clairvoyant - my mentor.
That map was a gift for me
..but we had a huge row and
never spoke again so
Hang on.
So your clairvoyant ex-lover
drew you a map on human skin?
Yeah, we were always doing
fun stuff like that.
It's esoteric, innit?
I mean, it also a bit weird.
Parking all that,
where's the treasure?Treasure?
"X marks the spot"?
Coins, and all that?
No, that's not treasure!
The "X" marks Moira's favourite
erogenous zone on my body.
You know, just inside
the "lady garden".
Yeah, so the treasure
she wanted me to find was my own
you know
No, I don't know.
She means her G-spot, Cardi!
Oh.
Give her that.
Give me it.
I tell you what, Ashley, Cardi
I'm just gonna say this and
I'm gonna say it out loud, right?
If I go and do any drugs again,
just stop me.
Just fucking stop me.
Right.
Thank you, Jim.
Don't you fucking dare tell them
that I was nice to you.
Now fuck off!
Sorry we didn't find the ring,
Carol.
Ah, do you know what, Erin?
Doesn't matter.
She would have been very proud of us
now, with this deep clean.Yeah!
ShitThere he is.
Good deeds are repaid.Hmm
Here we go.
ALL: # Ta-daa! #
What the fuck!
Oh, my God!
Sweet Auntie Moira.
It's amazing.
What's that smell?
Citrus detergent.Fresh.
The smell of clean, innit?
ALL: Mm-hm.
Bloody hell,
I could get used to this.
How can I ever repay you?
Ah, don't worry about it.
And after finding this box of cock
rings, we're sorted.
I'm happy.I were looking everywhere
for them the other day.
'Ere
A fan sent me this years ago
with a letter.
It meant a lot at the time.
You have itas a "thank you".
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
I know it is.
It's been on his hand
the whole fucking time!
Oh, pardon fucking me
for not inspecting the man's hands!
For fuck's sake, Carol.
Oh, shut up, the pair of you.
Ladies? Ladies
Can we have a group hug?
OK.
Oh
Is that rat piss?Yeah.
Mmm, it's nice.
Just breathe in.
Bugger
Thank the girls for me again,
will you?
They didn't just clear my house,
they cleared my head.
Mm!
A wise man once said
that peace is up there, man.
Yeah, well, he's fucking right.
I think it also involves not having
a shitload of crap in your house
driving you insane,
do you know what I mean?Mm.
Good lad.
One love, bruv.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey. Listen.
I'm gonna be thinking about you.
Go on, get gone.
# JEFF BUCKLEY:
Lover, You Should've Come Over
Fucking handsome!
# Looking out the door
# I see the rain
# Fall upon the funeral mourners
Curtis Plum.
I'm sorry, Ginafor everything.
They're real.
# Maybe I'm too young
# To keep good love from going wrong
Wait.
Curtis
# Too deaf, dumb and blind to see
# The damage I've done
Oh, God!
# Sweet lover
Oh, fuckin' hell. Fuck me
Oh!What? Get in
Fuck! Get in the house!
Christ,
I wish I had a libido like that.
# Lover, lover, lover
# Lover, love, love
# Love, love, love, love, love
# Lo-o-o-o-over #
AUTOMATED VOICE:
"The person you are calling has"
Fuck!
For fuck's sake
CARDI: Yoda's had her
caravan nicked.Shit!
Shocking business, this is!
I want to offer ten grand
for its return.
He probably stashed all his fortune
in it.That's what it is!
It's definitely the McGuigans.
They must've hid it
up behind that hill there.
#
WOMAN: Bastard!
What the fuck?
# SIR JOE QUARTERMAN:
So Much Trouble In My Mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# I got so much trouble in my mind
# Give me the strength to carry on
# Give me the strength to carry on
# Cos everything
I got is just about gone #