Clarkson's Farm (2021) s05e05 Episode Script

1
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
[blade slashing]
[metallic grinding]
[rock music]
[Jeremy] With Spring upon us,
we had to prepare
for a couple of important events
on the Diddly Squat social calendar.
Because both the cows
and the Easycare sheep
would soon be giving birth.
Elsewhere, our new alarm clocks
were settling in nicely.
[guinea fowls cackling]
And the AgBot's Presbyterian work ethic
meant farming was going on day and night.
Here's the important thing to remember.
Kaleb right now:
tucked up in bed, not willing to work.
He is, though.
[rock music continues]
[Jeremy] In fact, the AgBot
had inspired me to upgrade my office.
So, that's your office.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- Still very much in the farming world.
But this is now a very advanced farm,
technological farm,
and it needed an office to reflect that.
Here it is. Mission Control.
[Kaleb] Holy moly.
The old barn, cleared out… Well,
I've basically thrown Lisa out of it
'cause she was using it as a storage
for the shop.
Cold winter's evenings,
we light a fire and we sit there,
on the two-pound,
three-piece suite.
OK?
This is for
important business meetings, OK?
The filing cabinets are there.
Pig Award.
- But this is…
- What are all these?
[Jeremy] Pull up a chair,
I'll talk you through it.
The crows are a bit weird, but…
[Jeremy] The crows are great,
that's the word you're looking for.
But, here we go.
What we've got here
is a total map of the farm, yeah?
[Kaleb] That just shows
a picture of a rabbit.
[chuckling] Definitely a rabbit!
Look, it's even got two ears somehow.
So, this is 6,000 images from the drone.
- [Kaleb] Look at the picture on that!
- I know.
- [Kaleb] Look at that bit you missed.
- There's the farm shop.
[Kaleb] Look at the bit you missed there,
look.
- What are you on about?
- [Kaleb] The drilling.
- [Jeremy] Who?
- You! You did drill that.
- Oh, I did drill that, yeah.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Did I miss all that?
- Yeah!
- [Jeremy] How have I done that?
- You obviously run out of seed.
Oh my God, I have. I missed all that.
- [both laughing]
- Fuck!
Shit! I wish I hadn't shown you this.
So that's all there, right?
That is our farm.
Now, we move onto the AgBot.
So this is the field
it's currently doing, yeah?
[Kaleb] Yeah, there it is there, look.
- [Jeremy] And it's presently here.
- It is.
[Jeremy] And you can actually
see the line it's on.
And putting the cultivator down.
Look at your face.
[chuckling]
OK, can you just push
the up and down arrows simultaneously?
Now.
Oh wow.
[Kaleb chuckling]
How far are we going with it?
It's gonna hit the crow.
That'll do. So now we can operate…
- If you stand up.
- When shit gets serious.
[Jeremy] When shit gets serious!
We can just come and go: "I think
this is a standing-up operation."
Lean over.
Now, look at this.
I've got a dashboard for the AgBot here.
[Kaleb] Oh, engine speed: 2,000.
[Jeremy] Engine percent load
at current speed: 67%.
AdBlue tank level: 95%.
[Kaleb] Engine oil level.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- 82.
82 millimetres. Now, I don't know
whether that's good or not.
And then just drop down here.
So you just move…
Front camera, full screen. There we are.
That's live TV
coming from the front of the AgBot.
- How cool is that!
- [Kaleb] Flip it to the back.
[Jeremy] Look, there goes the red kites,
dive-bombing it.
They're loving it
'cause there's no farmer in it.
I normally open the door,
beep the horn to scare 'em off.
Now, the other thing is,
each pixel is two centimetres.
So it's phenomenally detailed.
And while I was buggering about
the other day,
something I've noticed.
There.
That we have had a visitation.
- [Kaleb] From a fly-tipper.
- From a fucking fly-tipper.
[Kaleb] Who would chuck a f…
What is it, a fridge?
[Jeremy] Dunno. It's a white good.
Well, who would put that there?
Out of all the places where you…
Well, we've gotta go get that back.
- Do you wanna go now?
- And since…
- Hello, you two.
- [Kaleb] Hello, mate!
[Jeremy] Hey, Gerald!
- Welcome to Mission Control.
- [Gerald chuckling] Oh!
Is it grand to coordinate?
- There it is going along.
- [Gerald] Yeah.
Yeah, but these things will never
take over man.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
On the other hand,
I'd jump straight out the bath
and go out with no clothes on.
[laughing]
So you're not sold on this, Gerald?
Well, nobody ever knows.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
I can't remember what year it was,
but the only story with that is…
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
…and not go out in my garden
planting seeds with no pants on.
Mmm, well…
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] After Gerald
had dispensed his wisdom,
we went off to do a bit of tidying up.
Because I've got the AgBot,
which can cultivate all by itself,
I'm free to do this kind of job,
clearing up the mess
left by filthy, filthy riff-raff.
Fucking fly-tippers, honestly.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I'd love to be in the mind
of the people who thought:
"We need to get rid of this fridge,
we'll lob it through this hedge."
Do they not realise how much
annoyance and effort and expense
is needed
to clear the bloody thing up again?
[Jeremy] The AgBot had also created
time for us
to do some jobs in the woods.
[upbeat music]
And a big one was
clearing up all the trees
that had been blown over
by Storm Darragh.
And because the green Lambo was off games
with yet another technical fault,
I had to fire up the GOAT.
[gear clicking]
Oh, the jerky gear changes,
the complete lack of braking,
it's like being back at home.
God, there's more than I remember.
It's one, two, three, four, five, six…
seven, eight, nine.
So there's ten
from just where I'm standing here.
[Jeremy] To deal with the problem,
I'd hired a meaty winch.
- So this is like a… this is the anchor.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
Stop. Lower.
[Jeremy] With the ground anchor lowered
and the tree shackled…
[Kaleb] This is gonna feel good!
- Ready?
- Go for it.
[Jeremy] …we winched and dragged
the first tree out of the woods.
[tree crackling]
[Jeremy] Yes!
Powerful Lambo.
[rock music]
[Kaleb] Yeah! Onto the next.
[Jeremy] The work
was especially satisfying.
[Kaleb laughing]
[Jeremy] Because Kaleb and I
were working as a team…
until we weren't.
[Kaleb] There's one tree stuck
between two, so it fell down between two.
If we pull it,
it's gonna probably lock up.
[Jeremy] Right, here's my plan.
Get the winch round that tree.
[Kaleb] Yeah?
- [Jeremy] And attach it to the top.
- That won't work.
- Well, it will.
- No, it will just pull the tree that way.
- Yes, that's what I want.
- No, I don't wanna do that.
- No, I do because then it levels…
- I don't.
No, please be quiet.
No, but, no, hear me out.
Come round this one, around like that,
back round
right at the beginning of the trunk.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
As you pull, it should
technically pull the tree like this.
And then we stop when we get to here,
use that tree there.
- My way's easier.
- No, it's not.
[Jeremy] As we were arguing,
the voice of reason arrived.
- [Jeremy] How are you?
- [Charlie] How's it going?
Quickly, Charlie,
do you think this is gonna work?
- What?
- The logic of his thinking.
Well, I don't know what he's thinking.
- We're gonna pull this around to there.
- The light end.
- Very close to it.
- [Charlie] Right.
It won't work 'cause it's gonna get
jammed on that tree and that tree…
Why don't you just cut it?
Nah, chainsaws are for the weak.
- What?
- Well, we've got the power…
- Chainsaws are for the weak?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
I'll just stand out the way.
- [Kaleb] It won't work!
- [Jeremy] It will.
[Kaleb] It won't!
[Jeremy] OK, we're gonna do it
and then if it doesn't work, I've failed.
- [Jeremy panting]
- [Kaleb] Give me strength.
- [Kaleb] Ready?
- [Jeremy] Yes.
[engine buzzing]
[Kaleb] That's going up.
[Jeremy] I didn't do that.
[Kaleb] What are you doing?
[Jeremy] I'm not doing that.
What the fuck's it doing?
Kaleb, why is it doing that?
I dunno. Press the stop button.
Kaleb!
Press "down" now. Just press "down" once.
- What?
- [Charlie] Press "down" once.
[Kaleb] Just press "down".
[Jeremy and Charlie] No.
[Kaleb] Oh, for fuck's sake.
[Jeremy] After Kaleb had manually
lowered the anchor…
[Kaleb] Useless.
[Jeremy]… I initiated
my tree-hauling plan.
[Charlie] Ready?
[Jeremy] It's gonna pivot round
exactly as I planned,
exactly as I planned.
Yes, look at that.
[Charlie] He's gonna be happy with that,
isn't he?
He's got to turn up now and say:
"Well done, Jeremy, your plan worked."
Slack it off.
Nothing. So far, nothing.
Drive.
He's not going to admit
that my plan worked.
[scoffing]
But I know it did.
I know it did.
I'm going to go sleep tonight going:
"My plan worked."
[Kaleb] I'm not gonna live this down
for a long time, am I?
[Jeremy] Sadly, there was no time
to enjoy being right
because Lisa summoned me back
to the farmyard.
She said there was a problem.
It was too quiet.
[Jeremy] Can you hear anything?
[Lisa] No.
[Jeremy] You can't hear…
They're not in here, are they?
[Lisa] I don't know.
I'm gonna go back here.
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
[Lisa] What?
[Jeremy] Guinea fowl feathers.
Oh no.
[Lisa] Oh flip.
[Lisa sighing]
[Jeremy] Oh, and another one.
Oh, for God's sake.
That's a fox, isn't it?
Just killing for fun.
[Lisa] Yep.
[Jeremy] How am I going to explain this?
Granddaughter coming for the weekend:
"Can I go and see the guinea fowl?"
[Lisa] Do we have any neighbours?
[Jeremy] We can indoctrinate her
from an early age to not be trapped
into that London
way of thinking that foxes are sweet.
"Oh, I saw a fox in Wandsworth
and he was so sweet."
No, he wasn't. He's a murdering bastard.
- Jeremy!
- Yeah?
Good news. There.
- Oh, one of them…
- [Lisa] One of them survived.
[Jeremy softly] Oh, thank fuck for that.
[Lisa] Well done.
You can stay up there, it's safe.
Poor thing, seeing its brothers
and sisters being massacred.
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Fortunately, later that day,
there was just the job to cheer us up.
Are any of them "bagging up"?
[Kaleb] I think there's a couple.
[Jeremy] With the cows
about to give birth,
we needed to turn the barn
into a maternity ward.
So Lizzie the goat farmer
was coming along
to help us move these horned lawnmowers
out into the fields.
[Lizzie] Afternoon, all.
- [Jeremy] Lizzie!
- [Lisa] Hi, Lizzie!
- How are you?
- [Lizzie] What's occurring?
Moving 'em.
[Jeremy] The easiest way
would be to use a trailer,
but as it was
such a lovely Spring afternoon,
I decided to go old school.
So they're going into a field called
Hollowback which is not very far away,
so we should be able to walk 'em down.
Right…
[Lizzie] Sorry,
what did you just say there?
Walk them down. It's just there.
[Lizzie] What could possibly go wrong?
[Jeremy] Nothing! Honestly.
Now, here's what we're gonna do,
all right?
We're gonna move you
into a field called Hollowback,
which is full of lovely,
tasty, juicy grass
and you'll be very happy in there.
So you are gonna be the leader, OK?
I wonder what the goat's thinking?
[Lizzie] He's thinking:
"What is that muppet saying to me?"
[laughing]
[soft music]
[Lizzie] There you go.
[goats bleating]
[Kaleb] Come on!
[Jeremy] Who said we needed a trailer?
[Kaleb] Oi! What are you doing?
Go that way.
[Lizzie] Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
[Jeremy] No, oi, none of you.
[Lizzie] Goats, goats, goats!
[Jeremy] Right, no, that way!
Can we not climb up there, please?
All of you, stop this!
Stop this nonsense!
- [Lizzie] No, no, no.
- Go on!
[Kaleb] This is going well.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- [Lizzie] Go on!
[Kaleb] Go on!
- [Lizzie] Come on!
- [Kaleb] Get off!
[Jeremy] This isn't working.
This is your fault.
Oi. Listen to this. Tasty snack.
I think what's happening here
is they're dining on steak
and I'm offering them kale.
[Jeremy] Once they'd finished
their buffet, though…
Go on, off you get, go go go!
[Jeremy] …we got them headed
in the right direction.
Come on. Come on, you.
You're in charge.
I put you in charge.
[Lizzie] Keep going! Keep going!
Keep going!
Come on!
[Lizzie screaming]
[Lisa] Oh look,
now the sheep want to run too.
[Jeremy] Hello, sheeps!
[Lizzie] That's quite a picture now,
isn't it?
[Lisa] Isn't that gorgeous?
I love the fact that he's got his AgBot
and then he's moving goats like this.
[Lizzie] Yeah!
[Jeremy] Come on, goats!
[Lizzie whizzing]
Come on.
[Lizzie] Come on. Come on.
Oi, go on!
[Jeremy] I mean, look at that sight,
come on!
On a night like tonight,
farming is the best job in the world.
[soft music]
[Lisa] Yes! Yes!
[Jeremy] Why did I waste my life
driving round corners shouting?
Oh no, I remember.
I wouldn't have been able to afford
to do this, that's what it is.
[Lizzie] Come on, boys! Come on!
[Jeremy] After the most
delightful journey,
we got the goats to their new field.
- [Lisa] That's done!
- [Jeremy] They all in then?
[Lisa] Yes, I think so.
[Lizzie] Just like that!
[Jeremy] Well…
[Lizzie] A work of art that was!
[Jeremy] That was heavenly.
[Jeremy] The rural "Lord Sugar", however,
thought the whole thing
was a bit of an indulgence.
[Kaleb] I thought we were gonna
cut down the animals on the farm.
- We are cutting the animals.
- [Kaleb] To try and streamline the farm.
- [Jeremy] We are.
- [Kaleb] How are we?
- Pigs.
- Yeah, OK, right.
- Sheeps, eventually.
- Yes.
- And what about these?
- No.
- Why?
- Mainly the film crew!
Do you actually want 'em here?
[man] Yeah!
[Jeremy] We'll have a vote.
Film crew, who wants the goats to stay?
[crew member] They're part of the crew.
- "They're part of the crew"…
- No, they absolutely
- love the goats.
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
Look at those two.
That's like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
Anyone remember that?
They just used to get
very, very good-looking girls
to wander through
a poppy field or a wheat field
in lacy dresses eating a Cadbury's Flake.
One of whom, I think, married
Roger Taylor, the drummer in Queen.
I have no idea what you're on about.
Did you not… [sighing]
[Kaleb] I don't know
what he goes on about.
Sometimes I just… I just nod now.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The following morning,
I started the day by checking in
on our one remaining guinea fowl.
Hello, guinea fowl?
Hello?
Oh, no.
Fuck's sake, this is just
beyond belief.
He's just bitten its head off.
It hasn't even eaten it.
[sighing]
[grunting softly]
He's had the lot.
[sighing]
[Jeremy] There was, though,
only time to seethe, not mourn.
Because today was a big day
on the AgBot front.
[tense music]
It had finished cultivating
all the fields
and would now be charged with
the most important job of them all:
planting the seeds.
[Jeremy] There it is. Yes!
We have begun.
We are drilling the lager
and we're drilling it into well-prepared,
well-fertilised fields on time.
[Jeremy] Once we'd finished
hooking up the drill…
That side… This side's lined up. Yeah?
[Jeremy] …the AgBot eagerly set off,
with the Luddite, as ever,
full of praise for it.
[Kaleb] Look, it's not drilling now,
look.
Not drilling, not drilling, not drilling,
not drilling, not drilling, not drilling.
[Jeremy] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- That's all a miss.
- No… Yes.
That is all a miss. Just there is missed.
It comes on when it's ready.
No, that's all missed.
Just here will not grow anything.
Yes. It starts blowing it out
- when it's ready.
- Yeah?
It will lower the thing, turn the fan on,
then start when it wants to.
- That is gonna be a miss.
- Well, and it's not supposed to.
- It is!
- It'll come back over it!
[voices fading out]
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Despite Kaleb's
relentless negativity,
my machine set about this new task
with its usual precision.
[Jeremy] And there he goes,
inch perfect again.
[Jeremy] There was one drawback
with the AgBot, though:
it's not allowed on the public highway.
So when it needed to get from one field
to another across a road,
I suspected life would be a massive faff.
Where are you going now?
I'm gonna do Arlo's.
How are you gonna get down there then?
[Jeremy] Ah. Well…
I'm gonna take the drill off,
attach it to the Lambo,
drive the Lambo down there,
drop the drill off in the field,
bring the Lambo back to the yard,
attach it to the trailer,
put the AgBot on the trailer,
drive that down to Arlo's,
take the AgBot off the trailer
and reattach it to the drill.
That's…
By the time you've done all of that,
I could have completed
the whole farm drilling.
- Yes, I know.
- As well as another 30 other farms.
[Jeremy] Kaleb had a point.
My plan would be
incredibly time-consuming.
And as we're on TV,
I couldn't just ignore the law.
So I came up
with a rather clever solution.
Watch this. Ready?
With this simple black cloth…
Right. Now…
[engine revving]
Ta-da!
So there we are, just this…
I don't know where these tyre marks
have come from. It's a mystery.
But there we are. Onwards.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Back in the world
of animal farming,
things were starting to happen
in the cow barn.
[mooing]
With one of the Moocall alarms
alerting me
that a calf was on its way.
[Jeremy] Right.
It's out already?
Lisa? It's out! It's here!
We have a calf!
No! That was quick.
I mean, I get a call from the Moocall
saying: "Birth imminent."
It doesn't say: "Birth has happened."
Look!
Endgame's first child!
And she's eating the placenta
and doing everything properly.
That is just so cool!
- That's a very handsome face.
- [Lisa] Beautiful.
I love the way that it affects
the others, look. They're all…
Yeah, they're all coming for a look!
That's rather sweet.
[Jeremy] The first calf had been born
at a civilised hour.
The next one, however…
[light switch clicking]
[light switch clicking]
[cow mooing]
Moocall went off at 3:15.
And it's now…
ten to five.
Nothing.
Welcome to the world of the beef farmer.
I'm not sure
there's a whole lot I can do.
You're gonna have to start the pushing
at this stage.
[mooing]
Oh, she doesn't know
where she wants to be, does she?
You don't know whether you want to be
standing up or lying down.
Come on.
Come on. Push.
Push.
There's a foot.
Yeah, she has given birth so far
to a balloon and a hoof.
- Come on.
- [cow panting]
Definitely two feet.
And back in again.
[grunting]
[panting]
[birds chirping]
And there's the dawn chorus.
Mm-mm.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Eventually,
a mere two hours and forty-five minutes
after the Moocall had gone off…
[cow mooing and snorting]
The alien is coming.
Oh, come on, big push.
Big push. There's a nose.
- [mooing loudly]
- Oh, an eye!
Oh, and a whole head!
A head!
An ear!
A neck!
[mooing]
Come on!
And…
[Jeremy panting]
Come on, push, push, push.
Back, just the hips.
Come on, push.
There we go!
Come on, you've gotta breathe.
You've gotta breathe, my dear.
Come on.
Get some straw in there.
Come on, let's have some breathing.
There we go. Come on.
- [mooing]
- Yes!
That looks like a great little calf!
Already trying to walk, look.
Ah! It's a joy!
Missed a night's sleep,
and yet, when you see that happen,
it's worth it.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] After this
completely perfect start to the day,
I went over to see the Swiss Army Knife
which now had a new attachment
and was using it to roll the field…
[Jeremy] There he goes.
[Jeremy] …where we would be growing
onions and beetroots.
And to plant those,
we'd need another new machine.
And now, I'm gonna blow your mind
with the FarmDroid.
Kaleb?
[tense music]
[Jeremy] This was the other bit of kit
that had caught my eye
at the LAMMA exhibition back in January.
A solar-powered onion planter.
- [Kaleb] What, it's another robot?
- Oh yeah!
[Kaleb] I thought it actually goes
on the back of the AgBot.
No! This now trundles along.
We fill it with seed
and he plants all the onions for us.
This is completely electric
and that's a solar panel.
[Kaleb] What happens if the sun went in?
[Jeremy] Well, it's got batteries so
it stores some of the electrical power.
It's an electric…
- That's how solar panels work.
- Is that electric?
I don't know why I thought
that was an electric fence!
[Jeremy] It does look it, doesn't it?
No, if you touch that it'll stop him.
[Jeremy] Razmus, the man who'd first
shown me the FarmDroid,
then came over to explain how it works.
It's all by GPS, yeah? So it remembers
exactly where it plants each onion.
- So this is the field, let's just say.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And it puts an onion in here.
- Yeah.
And then how long?
We put it in to 15 centimetres.
OK, 15 centimetres.
- And then it remembers?
- Yeah, yeah.
- And then places it every 15 centimetres?
- Yeah.
- So it's extremely precise?
- Yeah.
So how many onions
is it going to plant in here?
600,000.
- 600,000 onions.
- Wow.
- [Kaleb] How fast does it go?
- Maximum 1K.
- Well, yeah.
- [Jeremy] About the same speed as me.
Hold on.
If it only does one kilometre an hour,
- and you've got a hare and a tortoise…
- [Razmus] But that's only…
[Jeremy] Is the one kilometre
the hare or the tortoise?
[Razmus] That's the hare!
[all laughing]
It is a slow-driving machine
so it would drive into the night tonight.
And then after we done the seeding,
we convert this machine into weeding,
which means that this machine
is also doing the weeding part of it.
[Jeremy] Oh, so it just digs up
the weeds?
- Yeah, just killing the smaller weeds.
- And leaves the onions.
- [Kaleb] Does it have cameras on it?
- [Razmus] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll just give you access
to the app to this one,
then you can just sit home.
Oh man! I've got the AgBot cameras
and this cameras.
[Razmus] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is what Lisa said the other day!
I was sitting looking at the cameras
from it and she went:
"Why can't you watch Pornhub
like a normal man
instead of sitting
watching your AgBot going up and down!"
Oh Christ, I'm gonna have both of them!
I can't wait.
- Can we get it going?
- Yeah, we can.
[Jeremy] Once we'd filled the hoppers
with onion seeds…
Who knew
that onion seeds looked like that?
They're like miniature song thrush eggs.
[Jeremy] I drove the FarmDroid
into the field.
[Kaleb] It's a weird-looking thing
actually when you get it in the field.
[Jeremy] Honestly,
when you've got the AgBot and this
working the same field…
[Razmus] I think actually
it's the first time in the world
that we have both an AgBot drilling
and a FarmDroid in the same field!
[Jeremy] That's incredible.
- Right, we're certainly in the field now.
- [Razmus] Yeah. Press "Auto".
- That one?
- [Razmus] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Calculating routes, yeah.
- [Razmus] Yeah.
And just press the green one.
[beeping]
And now it's just probably
calibrating itself.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] So it's just hunting now
for its start point?
- [Razmus] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] Same as the AgBot does.
[Razmus] Yeah.
So now it's had the start point.
- [Jeremy] Oh look, he's putting it down.
- [Razmus] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And we're off.
- [Razmus] Yeah.
[clicks]
And you can hear the small clicks.
That's the seed belt.
- [Jeremy] Each one of those clicks is…?
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Jeremy] So that's a seed going in?
- Yeah.
- Fucking hell! Honestly!
- [Kaleb] That is unbelievable.
[Jeremy] That is!
You can actually hear it working.
[clicks]
- Each click is an onion.
- [Kaleb] I know, it's like…
[clicking continues]
Money, money, money, money, money,
money, money, money, money, money!
[Jeremy] It's really quite cool!
- [Kaleb] Where are the onions at?
- [Kaleb and Jeremy chuckling]
So do we check on the…?
[Razmus] You see, now we would like
to go and check.
[Kaleb] What seed depth do we need?
[Razmus] Charlie mentioned around
three centimetres.
[Jeremy] Three?
Oh, there's one! Look! Look!
- [Kaleb] You got one?
- Yes, look.
There's an onion in the field!
It's put an onion in my field!
- And then, we should have 15 centimetres.
- [Jeremy] No, no, wait, wait, no, no.
If that's true, that's incredible.
So 15 centimetres…
Where's 15? There.
- Holy shit!
- [Kaleb] That's unbelievable.
And away it goes.
You're actually impressed with that.
Yeah, I am impressed with that.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] It had been
a long night and day,
but before knocking it on the head,
I had to meet Lisa and George,
her snail supplier.
- You know, they're already inside.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Because the snails
had started laying eggs.
[George] See?
- [Lisa softly] Yeah.
- Bingo.
Here you are.
[Lisa] Oh wow!
These are your first snail children.
[Jeremy] Oh! Wow!
- They're all snail eggs, are they then?
- [Lisa] Yes.
OK. What do you do with this?
What's this? Just compost?
This is just compost we've put water on.
I'm gonna put the lid on
and put them by the heater.
And how long before they become snails?
- Do they hatch? What do they do?
- Yes.
[Jeremy] George was also extremely keen
to show us
how the baby snails
got made in the first place.
[George] Ah! Here you are!
Now you see the courtship.
Can you see?
- [Jeremy] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Lisa] Yes!
[George] The left one already,
he has his penis out there. Can you see?
- [Lisa] Yes.
- [George] There, that's it.
[Lisa] And this one has her vagina
over it.
[George] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So is that the man?
[George] No, no, no, they are both.
He has, you know,
the penis and the vagina on his body.
[Lisa] That's so cool!
[Jeremy] So these are in tune
with the times.
We've got trans farm animals.
[George] Oh yes!
Or are they hermaphrodites?
They're hermaphrodites
but they are sex machines.
- Sex machines?
- Oh yeah.
- [Jeremy] How many penises has it got?
- [George] Two.
- [Jeremy] Two penises?
- [Lisa] Like here,
- like testosterone sacs.
- Oh, I see, you've got stereo penis-ery.
- So depending on which side, you know…
- Where's its vagina then?
Exactly next to it. The same thing.
So you've got a penis and a vagina?
No, the same thing.
Where the penis is is also its vagina.
[Lisa] Clever, right?
[Jeremy] And they shit
out of their face as well?
Yeah, on the side, yes. They…
So their face is like
a Ferrari's steering wheel:
- everything's now on it.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[chuckling] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
And once they've bred, you take the eggs
and then you eat the ones that have bred.
So they're no good now.
[Jeremy] Ah, so once we've got
the babies,
these adults can go off to the pub.
- [Lisa] Yes!
- Correct. Beautiful chain.
'Cause, I mean, I adore snails.
I think they're fantastic.
- You like the garlic butter.
- Oh, I love them in garlic butter.
[Lisa] And the shells you crush up and
you can give it to the chickens as grist.
[Jeremy] Lisa and George claimed,
however,
that the money to be made
from serving them in the pub was nothing
compared to what could be earned
from the slime.
There are beauty parlours,
in Essex especially…
- Essex?
- Essex.
£120 for 10 minutes' snail…
Or 15 minutes' snail course.
- So they put the snails on your faces.
- [George] Yeah.
And the snail goes around
and excretes the juice.
[George] That's it.
And that's, like, £120, ten minutes.
[George] Yeah.
[Jeremy] I wasn't completely convinced,
but put my concerns to one side.
[soft music]
Because the next day,
Lisa and I were awaiting
cow birth number three.
- There's…
- Here we go.
[Jeremy] Which seemed to be going
as smoothly as the previous two.
- Oh, here we go.
- Let me start again.
[Jeremy] Foot.
[mooing]
Push!
Push.
[mooing continues]
Oh.
- Look, you can see the calf's tongue.
- [Lisa] Oh, there's the tongue.
That's a worry.
Shit, should we call Dilwyn
or are we just panicking?
[Lisa] Oh, it's head first, that's good.
[Jeremy] No, everything's right,
but we can see the tongue, look.
The tongue is moving, suggesting that
the calf is sort of needing to be out.
Do we grab hold of those and pull?
That is a worry for me
that the tongue is out and moving.
I'm gonna call Kaleb.
[phone beeping]
- Hold on.
- [Kaleb] Hello, mate.
All right, mate.
I know it's Oscar's birthday.
- Yeah, can you hear me?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
We got a calf coming.
Half an hour probably.
The last contraction
we got really most of the front legs
and then what looked like
a tongue coming out.
[Kaleb] Just grab the two legs, yeah?
And just gently have
a little bit of pressure on it.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] And then you'll feel her push.
And as she pushes,
just gently pull a bit harder.
- Yeah.
- [Kaleb] And when she's stopped pushing,
take the pressure off,
if that makes sense?
I know exactly what you mean.
OK, well, we'll get in there.
- All right, bye, bye, bye.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Here we go,
I'm gonna head on in.
[cow mooing]
[mooing continues]
The tongue is licking my glove.
[Jeremy grunting]
[mooing]
Oh, come on.
I don't wanna hurt the calf's legs.
[mooing]
[Jeremy panting]
And I'm being licked.
[mooing]
Can I have some ropes?
Yep, that's both of them on.
I'd dearly love to get this one out…
just because I've not done it before.
- [cow mooing]
- [Jeremy panting]
[grunting]
[sighing]
[panting]
- [mooing]
- Nearly.
Agh.
[panting] Oh God.
[softly] Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
[mooing and panting]
Oh God.
Kaleb. All right, dude.
All right? Has it calved or not?
- [Lisa] No.
- [Jeremy] No.
[Kaleb] Come on, that's it. Got it?
- [Jeremy] Shall I pull this up?
- Pull, yeah. Nice!
- [Kaleb] That's it, pull, pull, pull.
- Yeah, I am doing, I am doing.
You see, that's as far as you ever get.
Hold. Hold that pressure there. Now pull.
[mooing]
Hold.
Pull now,
and then pull down a little bit.
That's it, go on.
[Jeremy panting]
[sighing]
[Jeremy exhaling]
[Jeremy panting] Oh God!
- It's ripping my hands to shreds.
- [Kaleb] Yeah, will do.
- [mooing]
- Agh!
[Kaleb] Let's give this a go, let me.
[softly] Try and get this on there.
[Jeremy] You've got to go
and get a birthday cake later.
[Kaleb chuckling] I know.
Right, there you go. Give that a go now.
I'll just help out.
- [Jeremy] That will…
- Yeah?
That's much easier.
- You can control either side if you want.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, exactly.
You got it.
- Come on, girl, big push. There.
- [mooing]
It's gonna go, it's gonna go.
Can you just feel that?
That's it there. Big pull now.
You got it.
Just feel that contraction, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, there's a head.
- There's a head.
- [Kaleb] Now, it's all yours now, yeah?
[Jeremy grunting]
Come on.
- If you pull down it's much easier.
- Yeah, I'm trying to.
Go on, go on.
That's good, man. Good lad, good lad.
That's it, well done.
Let me help you, let me help you.
[Jeremy] Please be OK.
- [Kaleb] Come on, breathe.
- Come on, breathe, breathe.
It's blinking.
Come on. Come on.
[Kaleb] What I'm doing now
is opening that airway.
Let's get that mother out
so she can start licking her.
Here you go.
- I'd say that was OK.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
It's a long calf.
That's it, go on. Lick, girl. Lick, girl.
Come on, please lick.
That's it, there you go.
That's it, good mum.
[Jeremy] Is she licking?
Yes, she's licking.
[Kaleb] Well done, mate.
My first one.
[Kaleb] How did it go?
- [Jeremy] That is…
- It's fucking good, innit?
- [Jeremy] Oh, fuck me that's good!
- It's so good!
That is so good!
- Hey?
- Ah.
[Kaleb chuckling]
- Ah!
- Huh?
- Hey?
- I know, that is just the best.
That was all you!
That is proper…
It's hard, isn't it, pulling it out?
[sighing with relief]
[Jeremy] Look at that!
What a fantastic day.
What a great, great, great day.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Later on,
Lisa and I went down to the wood
where we used to keep the pigs.
[grunting]
- [Jeremy] It's hard work!
- [Lisa panting]
[Jeremy] To clear up
some more storm damage.
[Lisa] I know.
- It's so silent.
- It's been years and years,
every time you come down here,
they all come
- running along to see you and now look.
- I know!
Mind you, that being said,
it's not completely empty now, is it?
Because look who's here.
Ladies and gentlemen…
Richard Ham.
Look how he has grown!
- He has become a mighty pig!
- [Lisa] Yes!
[Jeremy] A huge pig!
[Lisa] Richard Ham! Come and say hello!
I should just explain
what's going on here. Erm…
[Lisa] Hello!
- We've kept him. We had to.
- Hello!
The problem we've got, though,
is he can't be a fluffer anymore
'cause there's no more pigs to fluff.
Erm, you can't eat him.
'Cause we just can't.
And we can't breed from him
because there's something
genetically wrong with him.
Erm…
So we've just got him.
And you can't keep a pig on its own.
So, over there we've got another pig,
another boy pig,
and then he can have a friend.
What'll you call him?
- What, the friend?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well,
who is Richard Hammond's best friend?
I'm not calling it James May.
I'm not having a pig called James May.
Boar. Let's call him James Boar.
[both laughing]
- He is a boar!
- [Lisa] He is a boar.
[Jeremy] He is literally a boar.
[laughing] Richard Ham and James Boar!
[Jeremy] What had been
an extremely pleasant day ended well too.
Because as the sun set,
Lisa and I made a thermos of Bovril,
drove out to the fields
and settled down
for our new favourite date night.
[clicks]
Look, look, he's stopped.
He's having a think
about how to turn round.
He's turning round.
[softly] Oh my God, look at that.
[Lisa] I do feel
like I'm from the 18th century
looking at tractors.
Yeah, the Starship Enterprise
has just landed at Diddly Squat.
[Lisa] It's very soporific, isn't it?
[machine whirring]
[Jeremy] It's incredible.
I'm sure
there is something good on television.
But nothing is as good as watching
farming being revolutionised
and just know
that when you get up in the morning,
these two will be sitting
drumming their fingers.
[Lisa] I know.
[Jeremy] Going:
"OK, we've done that job."
[Lisa] And I do feel like we need
to give them jobs. They're happy.
Do you think they talk to each other?
[Jeremy chuckling] No!
[Lisa] Well, they must do.
[soft country music]
[Jeremy] A few days later,
all of the calves had been born
and the maternity ward
was a joy to behold.
[Jeremy] Oh, look, he's off!
Oh, look at him!
Look how happy he is!
Your turn!
There you go.
Look at this little calf!
[Jeremy laughing]
I love watching that!
[Kaleb] Look at them bounce around.
[Jeremy] They are adorable.
[Kaleb] They've got space!
[Kaleb laughing]
And I've decided now…
You know I'm gonna be 65
in a couple of weeks?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- Retirement age.
Well, historically always retirement age.
I'm gonna be a cow midwife.
No golf, no watercolour painting.
Midwifery for cows.
[Kaleb] Bear in mind, you have seen,
like, the good versions of it happening.
You pulled that one out
on Saturday night.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
- You haven't actually yet cut one out.
- What do you mean, "cut one out"?
When the calf dies inside the mum
and instead of doing a C-section,
you actually get the knife, go in,
and cut the head off,
pull the head out
and then take it limb by limb.
It's disgusting.
You haven't done that yet.
What?
My fifth delivery
when I was about fifteen.
So everything was going smooth, yeah?
And then all of a sudden, this cow…
Unfortunately, the calf died
inside the cow, yes?
So instead of doing a C-section
to take it out, what we had to do:
go in from the back, get a knife,
cut round the head like this,
cut the head off,
- pull the head out, get the legs…
- What, up the vagina?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Cut the calf's head off?
- Yeah.
Take the head out. The calf's dead.
- Well, it would be.
- The cow has been…
The cow was calving for about ten hours.
So, you know, it was time to come out
or we'd have lost the mum as well.
- But you haven't done that yet.
- Well, why didn't you do a C-section?
I don't know. The farmer didn't want
to spend that much money
- and it was, you know, you could…
- What?
So he invited a fifteen-year-old boy
to put a knife inside a cow's vagina
and butcher a calf while it was in there?
Yeah.
I'm rethinking
my cow-midwifery retirement plan.
You've seen the good side of it.
This is the good side of it!
[Jeremy] On a slightly less
gruesome note,
Kaleb then told me it was time
to castrate the new boy calf,
using a rubber band.
So what we've gotta do:
open it up like this,
pull the testicles out through here,
make sure both the testicles
are in the sack,
and then band, off, done.
- [Jeremy] So we've got to go…
- Oh, look at his face!
[Jeremy] Look at his face!
"Please don't cut my bollocks off!"
Well, he doesn't know
he's got bollocks, does he?
No, he wouldn't know yet, would he?
Hello, calf!
Look, it literally upholstered
in velvet, this one.
- [Kaleb] It's lovely, isn't it?
- It's absolutely beautiful.
Beautiful, beautiful.
[Kaleb] Right, then.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] So you can't catch it. I'll find
some autonomous machine that can.
[mooing]
- So we come in from the back or?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, come in from the back.
[Jeremy] Oh, but Christ,
they're quite big.
[Kaleb] Yeah, grab the testicles.
[Kaleb chuckling]
He's gonna have a shit on you.
[Jeremy] Is that it?
[Kaleb] Well, have you got 'em?
[Jeremy] I don't know. I think so. Is…?
[Kaleb] Yeah, there you go, they're on.
Now make sure that band comes off.
- [Jeremy] Well, how do I do that?
- Push it off. It's quite hard.
[Jeremy] We're holding hands
while fondling an animal's bollocks.
[Kaleb] Right, now off you come.
Oh, you just put your hand in the shit!
It shat all over me.
[Kaleb laughing]
Oh, the smell.
No! Now you got it
on your nose and everything!
What? Oh fucking hell!
It's all over every…
I'm covered in diarrhoea!
[Kaleb roaring with laughter]
Is it on my face?
[Kaleb laughing] Yes!
Urgh! A cow shat in my mouth!
[Kaleb keeps laughing]
Fuck you!
[laughing]
I'm… That's it, fuck it,
I'm going to London.
- I'm going to London, Kaleb. That's it.
- [Kaleb] Hey?
I'm done.
I'm going to London in a Bentley.
I'm gonna see my friends who work
in advertising and law and the theatre.
[spitting]
Urgh.
[panting]
Fucking hell.
[laughing]
[spitting]
[Jeremy] Oh God!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] In the end,
I decided not to move back to London.
Because the crops were in on time,
the calves were in good health,
and the weather was perfect.
So, for the first time since
I'd started farming all those years ago,
life at Diddly Squat
was an absolute dream.
[Jeremy] Sometimes the texture
of what you're eating feels odd
but actually the taste is delicious.
I'm not loving that.
We're building a leaky, woody dam.
We're like human beavers.
It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
Not the easiest thing
to sell in the world.
Lot 12-46. £60,000.
[rock music]