Ghosts (2021) s05e05 Episode Script

1
♪
- I'm sorry, what are we
- [OTHERS SHUSHING]
Don't talk while we're
waiting for the gurgle.
It's very rude.
[WHISPERS]: Sorry.
Will it definitely be today?
No.
♪
- [GURGLES]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING, LAUGHING]
I heard it. I heard the gurgle.
Oh, wow.
♪
What does she mean, she doesn't want it?
Are you sure you don't want
to keep the car, Abby?
Trevor's just having a little
trouble wrapping his head around
anyone turning down a free Porsche.
It's a very kind gesture. I just, um
The car is a little bit, uh
- Douchey?
- Exactly.
Douchey? The founder of
Hooters drove one of these.
It is pure class.
I can't get over the fact
that a ghost has Porsche money.
We're barely scraping by.
I didn't add guac to my
Chipotle order last night.
Also, honestly, it's just
way too expensive, GD.
GD's short for "Ghost Dad."
I suppose it's better than
"Fished Out of a Lake Dad."
[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, so I swung big.
But I missed out on the
first 25 years of her life.
I mean, amortized over
200 nights of Hanukkah,
this is barely anything.
Anyway, I should get to work,
'cause I don't like being
more than one hour late for my shift.
You know I'm your boss, right?
Yeah, but GD pays my salary.
- [JAY SCOFFS]
- Ooh.
She's selectively entitled.
I like it.
So, you need help returning
the car now, Trevor?
I'm not returning this car, Sam.
Have you heard of depreciation?
I sell this, I'm gonna take a bath.
No, no, I'll keep it.
- You can't drive.
- Whatever.
- It'll be my sitting Porsche.
- Oh.
Feel that supple leather
on my bare tuchus.
What's he saying?
He's gonna keep it as
his sitting Porsche.
Again, no guac.
None. Guacless.
Chef, I hate to do this,
but, uh, I got to talk to
you about that raise again.
Oh. Sorry, Cobra. It's
not really a good time.
I'm in a pinch.
Dolphins blew my parlay,
and I need some scratch.
He's going to Turkey to
get a hair transplant.
You hate when gambling
is your cover story.
You did say after three months
you would evaluate our salaries.
I'm with Amanda.
You need to pay these people
a living wage, Jeremiah.
I thought we'd be in a better
position than we are today,
but unfortunately, we're not.
Look, we're all hurting.
I ate a very dry burrito last night.
Ooh, a dry burrito?
That's harsh.
I'm back on Jeremiah's side.
We had so many unexpected expenses.
I-I We had to fix the roof
because the stripper crashed through it.
That's an image I'll
never get out of my head.
The blood, the glitter, the
penis straws strewn about.
And we don't talk about
it in front of you guys,
but Sam and I are barely
keeping our heads above water.
I'm sorry, boss. I-I didn't know.
If you sign up for
their rewards program,
Burrito Barn gives you free
guac on National Avocado Day.
Thank you, Gabe. That doesn't
solve the bigger problem,
but I will be doing that.
Look at this thing. So ostentatious.
I'm gonna move it round back.
Trevor says it has
over 500 horses in it.
My only question is: How
do they crush the bones
into such perfectly rounded curves?
I don't get fancy cars.
I just want something that
gets me from point A to point B.
Wow. [CHUCKLES]
The seat really hugs you.
Yes, embrace the opulence.
Oh, my.
The leather is so supple.
That's it.
Feel the Woodstone
coursing through your veins.
Wait, do these seats
have a massage function?
- Coming.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
[ENGINE REVVING]
Is it unusually bright in here?
No.
Oh, my eyes must still be adjusting.
As you know, I'm a denizen
of the basement now.
I must have grown accustomed
to the dark lo these many weeks.
- It's been two days.
- What?
But it has been eventful. Abby
now knows Trevor's a ghost.
ALBERTA: Oh, how are you
enjoying that, Trevor?
Are you loving getting
to know your daughter?
[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY]:
Yeah. I mean yeah.
I believe those were my exact words
when the minister asked
me if I take this woman
- to be my lawfully wedded wife.
- ALBERTA: Yeah, Trev.
That didn't sound very enthusiastic.
I'm thrilled Abby's in my life.
I love that we're getting
to know each other.
But is it me, or does she
just seem sort of aimless?
- What do you mean?
- What are her goals?
She majored in French poetry,
she's working this dead-end job,
and she's turning down free cars.
Well, speaking as a guy
who knows a thing or two
about aimless girls
Oh, because that little
girl shot you, right.
How long you been
waiting to use that quip?
It'll be 16 years in February.
It has proven very hard
to work into conversation.
But the point, Trevor, is Abby's young.
She'll figure things out.
I just hate to see her waste her life.
Oh, Papa Trev.
Just talk to her.
Tell her about your concerns.
No, I don't want to be
the annoying, noodgy dad.
I want to be the cool Ghost Dad.
By the way, Ghost Dad,
underrated Bill Cosby movie.
Ugh, if only he were
here to help guide me.
America's dad, am I right?
Great actor, better man.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- SAMANTHA: Hey, guys.
Oh, why don't you have
Samantha talk to her?
Trevor's worried about
Abby's lack of direction,
but he doesn't want to seem like a nag.
That's where you come in.
Yes, you can find out
what her goals are.
See if she has any dreams.
Point her in the right direction.
You know, give her the full Cosby.
Okay, I feel like some information
didn't filter down to
the ghost community,
but I hear you regarding Abby,
and I'm happy to talk to her.
Maybe I could take her for
a spin in the convertible.
Yeah, whatever. Or lunch or a walk.
Cool. Spin in the convertible it is.
So, you went there on a teen tour.
Nice. How was it?
Istanbul? It was cool.
I don't know. It was a long time ago.
- Yeah, uh, I might go.
- [CAR APPROACHING]
Just to check it out.
Not for any kind of medical procedure.
[HORN HONKING]
SAMANTHA: Hop in, kid.
Let's ride.
Do so at your own risk, Abby.
This lady's a terror behind the wheel.
What up, Cobra?
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Broke, my ass.
Slow down, Sam! Some
of us can't buckle in!
SAMANTHA: Well, the talk
with Abby went great.
You don't have to
worry. She's got goals.
In fact, I think
you're gonna really love
what she wants to do with her life.
She wants to get a degree in finance.
- What?
- Oh, Trevor must be loving this.
Oh, Trevor, this is great.
She's following in your
capitalist pig footsteps.
- I can't believe this.
- I know.
It seems a little out of character,
but she's really into it.
She says it's always
been a dream of hers.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Oh, Abby. I just told
Trevor about your plans
to go to grad school,
and he is very excited.
Really? I wish my
living dad felt the same.
He doesn't want to pay for it.
That's ridiculous.
Why wouldn't Pinkus want her
following in his footsteps?
Trevor's very supportive.
In fact, you tell her
I'm gonna pay for it.
Really? [CHUCKLES]
He says he's gonna pay for your tuition.
Seriously? How does a
ghost have so much money?
Meanwhile, I'm wearing pants
that a guest left behind.
I got to say, they look better
on you than they did on Linda.
I can't accept that. It's
just too big a gesture.
Sam, please.
Tell her I want to do this for her.
If she can't accept the
car, at least take this.
He won't take no for an answer.
All right.
Thank you, Ghost Dad. I [LAUGHS]
Wow. Um, you know,
when I tell most people
that I want to go to Paris
to study French poetry,
they think I'm crazy,
but not you you get it.
- What did she say?
- ABBY: Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go look for berets.
Thank you, Ghost Dad.
Sam, what the hell is going on?
- Explain.
- I have no idea.
In the car, she said,
"I want to get a degree in finance."
Oh, I think I see what happened.
Sort of a hilarious misunderstanding.
ABBY: What I really want to do
- is get a degree in France.
- [ENGINE ROARING]
Right on.
Aren't you going a little fast?
You want me to give it some gas? Okay.
Unbuckled ghost back here!
She said she wanted to
get "a degree in France,"
but what I'm realizing
now is you thought she said
"a degree in finance."
- Sam, what did you do?
- I'm sorry.
It was the wind and
the roar of the engine.
It was all so loud.
Why were you revving it so much?
Because the big dog's got to eat.
TREVOR: This is a nightmare, Sam.
My daughter is going to throw away
her life with a farkakte degree
in French poetry, and I'm paying for it.
Trevor, don't worry.
Your daughter's gonna have
some of the best sex
of her life in France.
I don't think that's
helpful here, Flower.
You know the French invented
the ménage à trois?
Fun fact: It's only a ménage à trois
in the Ménage region of France.
Otherwise, it's just a threesome.
Sam, you have to fix this.
Oh, I don't think I should
get any more involved.
Take that, put it on a
Post-it, jam it on your mirror.
That's the new house motto.
In Germany, they call
threesomes über bangs.
Sam, you are involved.
This whole thing is your fault.
It's those engineers in Stuttgart.
Why do they have to tune the
darn engine to purr so loud?
Wait, you're driving the Porsche?
Why is everyone else living like a king
while I'm wearing knockoff Juicy?
Hey, Sam, you tell him
they're hugging his curves
just like the real thing.
Look, I personally think it's fine
for Abby to pursue her passion,
but I'm not the one paying for it.
If you disagree, then you
need to be honest with her.
This is tough.
I really think that she
is throwing away her life.
But if I'm honest with her,
I'm no longer the cool dad.
Look, take it from another cool dad
- Stop right there, Pete.
- Cheerfully withdrawn.
Either be okay with her
following her passion
or tell her how you really feel.
You don't have any other choice.
JAY: For what it's worth,
Bela has a ton of stupid degrees,
and she turned out okay.
I mean, she did get
fired from a cat café
and tried to sleep with several ghosts.
You know what? I don't know
what point I'm trying to make.
I should get back to Mahesh.
- Okay. Well, I'll drive you.
- It's like a hundred yards.
Yeah, but, you know, it's,
like, hot or cold out.
Whatever. Just shut up. I'm driving.
Man, I sure hope Jay's butt rhinestones
don't scratch the leather seats.
Wait a second.
Bela.
That's how I fix this.
What do you mean?
We got a walking, talking cautionary
tale right under this roof.
Let's scare the French
poetry right out of Abby.
GABE: No!
They bought a 911?
- Yeah.
- NEEL: Those things are pricey.
I once spent 500 bucks
just to rent one for a date.
I told this chick I was the heir
to the Baskin-Robbins fortune.
Why does ice cream always
feature so prominently
in Neel's sexual ploys?
AMANDA: This is total bull crap.
Chef told us he has no money,
and his wife is driving
a $200,000 sports car?
Oh, did you see his pants today?
I think there were diamonds on them.
We don't have to stand for this.
Oh, dear.
We should do something.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
This is all chillingly familiar.
Please, ma'am, an extra three
pennies a week would really help.
HETTY: Three pennies?
That's outrageous. Do you
think we're made of money?
Well, then, what about
at least cutting back
some of the hours in the factory?
TATE: I've heard of a rumor
about a new thing called a weekend.
The answer is no, you shall
not be getting a raise.
Not now and not ever.
I already said that you're welcome
to eat any rats that you find.
You people are relentless.
Then maybe we'll have
to do something about it.
Like what?
Like maybe we'll form a union.
["UNION" ECHOING]
We should form a union.
- [CHUCKLES]
- No!
And we should get medical.
And certain elective
procedures should be covered.
[HETTY WHIMPERS]
BELA: So, I heard you're
studying in Europe.
- That's so exciting.
- What's going on?
Trevor texted Bela to
tell Abby about the time
- when she studied abroad.
- Oh, that's nice.
To get her all excited
about the experience?
No, to scare the crap out of her.
Bela doesn't know that's my intent,
but hopefully, her
hot-mess misadventures
will speak for themselves.
I am really excited.
So, you also went to school in Europe?
Mm-hmm. I studied pottery in Greece.
That is incredible.
So, did your pottery
degree lead to anything?
Did you get a job in your field?
Well, not in my field per se,
but I did get a job in
a field, picking olives.
See, I was dating this Greek
guy from the moped rental place.
Anyways, we went to Delphi,
and then Stavros stole
all my money and my passport. [GROANS]
So I had to work for two weeks
to pay for my train ticket.
PETE: And that, my friends,
is why you always
carry traveler's checks.
Pete, I'm really enjoying
this new relationship,
but too many of our conversations
- involve traveler's checks.
- [LAUGHING]: Not possible.
That's a little intense,
but overall, you're really
happy you went, right?
Financially? No.
Professionally? Of course not.
But the good news is you
can't get hepatitis A twice.
- SAMANTHA: Hey, guys.
- ALBERTA: Trevor's trying to get Bela
to scare Abby out of going to Europe.
Why would you tell her that?
Remember in 2006 when you
noticed that stain on my dress
and you called me "Al-dirta"?
Oh, come on. That was
one burn 20 years ago.
We're here for eternity.
All I have are my grudges.
- Oh, my God, Trevor.
- What's going on?
SAMANTHA: Abby, I'm just
gonna come clean with you
because, obviously, your father
is too scared to do it himself.
In the car,
because of the turbocharged
roar of the engine,
I thought you told me
you wanted to get a degree
in finance, not in France.
Sam, stop this right now.
Wait, so that's why Trevor
offered to pay for my tuition.
Yeah. And now he's trying
to get Bela to scare you off.
What? I thought I was pumping her up.
No, you're a cautionary tale. Sorry.
Oh, no, a cautionary tale would've been
what happened to me in Ibiza.
I boarded a literal pirate ship.
So, you don't support me and
you're too lame to be honest.
That's great, Trevor.
Abby, wait.
Sam, look what you did.
Damn it.
Ooh, Stavros is on Facebook.
He looks good for 61.
And she just friend-requested him.
I wonder if he's still married.
[CAR ENGINES ROARING OVER TV]
Oh, what y'all watching?
Does it have Momoa or no Momoa?
Ugh, it's this Formula 1 automobile race
Samantha demanded we watch.
Come on, accelerate out
of the turn, Leclerc.
What is this, amateur hour?
This Porsche has become
her entire personality.
Okay, that's crazy.
And it's "Porsch-a."
A lot of people don't know that.
Sam, what were you thinking?
She told Abby that I didn't
want her studying in France.
But you don't want
her studying in France.
Yeah, but I was trying to blow that up
without Abby getting upset with me.
Look, Trevor, I'm sorry
for calling you out, but
you hit a nerve, okay?
What are you talking about?
I was raised by a
very controlling mother
who was constantly tricking
me into doing what she wanted.
I was trying to keep her
from making a mistake.
But that's not the way
to go about it, Trev.
Look, I had the craziest dream of all
to go to New York and to be a star
but my dad was my biggest supporter,
and that always meant a lot to me.
You ended up getting murdered.
Later. It was good for a while.
My father wanted me to marry
a woman, and then I did.
It's not a great story
or a great marriage,
but [CLICKS TONGUE]
those are the facts.
His point is, a parent pushing
someone into doing something
they don't want to do will
just lead to resentment.
Hmm? No, I was just talking
because I felt left out, but
[CLEARS THROAT] yes,
apparently, it was relevant.
Look, Trevor, you can try to
steer Abby in the direction
that you think is right, but
ultimately, it's her life.
She's gonna live it.
You make your case,
and then she decides.
So you're saying I
should just be honest?
Yes. You can't handle
her with kid gloves.
Speaking of which, I'm gonna
go buy some driving gloves.
[SIGHS]
- You have a problem, girl.
- SAMANTHA: Oh, I know.
They say you can't outrun your problems,
but I'm gonna try.
[SIGHS]
- AMANDA: What do we want?
- WORKERS: A living wage!
When do we want it?
- FLOWER: Drugs!
- WORKERS: Now!
Oh, man, this is not good.
Why don't they just hire some goons
to violently bust this strike?
You can't do that anymore, Hetty.
Oh, what has happened to this country?
This is all because of that stupid car.
They think we're loaded.
Why don't you just sell it?
I mean, the optics will
certainly be better,
and then maybe you can
use some of the money
to pay the staff more.
Including your hardworking manager.
Now you're asking for more?
- Well played, Bela.
- Besides, I can't sell the car.
Because his wife loves it
more than she loves him.
Trevor correctly anticipated
that we might want to sell it,
so he registered it under a false name
with some offshore LLC.
Aruba: great beaches,
famously permissive
financial regulations.
And only Trevor knows the passwords,
that pantsless bastard.
He's like an evil genius.
I know. It's so hot.
Uh, I mean [CHUCKLES] bummer.
ISAAC: I mean, how long does
it take to complete a Wordle?
It's "build," damn it.
[LAUGHING]: "Build,"
you absolute simpleton.
Oh, it's "guild."
My bad.
Abby, I'm with Trevor,
and he wants you to know that he's sorry
for not being honest with you.
- Thank you, Trevor.
- SAMANTHA: But he still doesn't think
you should go to
France and study poetry.
He thinks it's a waste of time.
He may be saying that,
but in another way,
he's telling me to go.
- Okay, I'm very confused.
- What do you mean?
Trevor died when he was very young.
He missed out on so many experiences.
I've seen too many people
not live long lives.
Not just Trevor.
My mom died young.
I'm gonna have fun while I still can.
Will going to France advance my career?
Probably not, but it'll be a sick time.
Ben Franklin gave half
of Paris gonorrhea.
[LAUGHS]
Talk about a sick time.
Trevor, I'm not going to
France to waste my life.
I am going there to live it.
You know what? She's right.
You never know what's
coming around the corner.
You could get sick or hit by a bus.
Or eat two random pills from
your friend's secret drug drawer.
Exactly. You can make
all the right decisions,
but when it's your time, it's your time.
Sam, tell Abby she
should study in France
and I will pay for it.
Abby, he says you should study in France
and he will pay for it.
Really?
It's a lot of money.
Oh, I can always sell the Porsche.
Oh, he says you might have
to take out some loans.
What? Sam.
Yeah, that's okay. I can do that.
- Sam!
- Okay, fine.
He says he'll pay for the whole thing.
And it's "Porsch-a." Damn it.
- What do we want?
- A living wage!
- When do we want it?
- Now!
Why are they still out there?
We sold the Porsche.
That's what happens with these things.
It starts out with them wanting
an extra helping of gruel,
and then the next thing you know,
- they want an 18-hour workday.
- SAMANTHA: Hetty,
how did you end the
strike back in your day?
Well, it felt wrong to bring in
the goons against the children,
so we were forced to pursue
more creative solutions.
Unfortunately, we cannot
increase your wages
the budget simply won't allow it
but we have something
better than money to offer.
Is it food? I'm very hungry.
No, no. It's dignity.
You, young man, shall
henceforth be known
as the vice president of operations.
- Really?
- Well, then, what am I, ma'am?
You are the chief
executive child person.
- Wow.
- Mm. "Wow," indeed.
Perhaps it's worth a shot.
No. Those were kids.
The kitchen staff are
sophisticated adults.
Right, Jay?
- Well
- COBRA: Wow.
President of cuisine.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks, Chef.
And, Gabe, you're gonna
be vice president of
Please say chips. Please say chips.
Sure. Chips.
No way. [LAUGHS]
Quick, take away their weekends
while you have their goodwill.