Shoresy (2022) s05e05 Episode Script
Total Buy-In
1
I'm Jory Jordan,
and this is the Sudbury Kids
Sport Report On Location.
I'm here with former
Bulldog number 69 Shore,
fresh off a narrow win over
the Apeldoorn's from Timmins.
Well, you knocked off
Donkervoort and Swellengrebel.
Who's next,
Dumbledore and Scrappy-Doo?
No answer, eh?
Think you're hot shit
cuz you beat a team of guys
named by Dr. Seuss?
It's good to be with you,
Shoresy.
You've got the EU All-Stars
on deck here
and you'll no doubt get pumped
by a bunch of dudes
wearing tarps that look like
coupon books. Care to comment?
Think Gretzky will ever
forgive you when he can't
show his face at Jari Kurri's
Midsommar party this year?
They say having a touch of grey
is a sign of wisdom,
but how do you think you'll fare
having only
a touch of grey matter?
Think your phone would unlock
if I used the facial ID
function by pointing it
at a 14-year-old
English Bulldog's butthole
or ball sack?
Shoresy, the EU's
gonna thump you,
it's nothing short of certain,
so, the SKSR asked its listeners
to send us their post-game
quotes early.
Connor from Elliot Lake writes,
"Not since I got some ass
on my dad's fake grass
have I seen someone get fucked
on home turf like that."
Thanks, Con-Man.
And Liz from Manitoulin writes,
"Haven't seen anyone get
this embarrassed
in their own backyard
since my aunt
tried to piss out a bonfire."
Okay.
Hakohrju, Ruzicka,
and Cederstrom.
Is that really the EU roster
or did a cat
walk across a keyboard?
Shoresy, how do you navigate
your every day emotions
knowing the absolute best
your future can offer
is seasonal employment
shoveling snow
outside the Rainbow Centre?
Oh!
Gotta run, Shoresy.
Something important.
Good luck with the EU, coach.
It's a bit smaller
than regulation,
but it cleans up nicely.
Kev will give
the ice surface
some TLC and it'll be just like
the rink downtown.
It's nothing like the rink
downtown, don't be an idiot.
- Do you hate it?
- Mm-mm.
Then say something, slut.
Just taking it in.
I love an outdoor rink.
Almost like it's breathing, eh?
No, it's not.
Well, all right.
So, you love it?
Never played at
this one before.
- It's private.
- Owned by the Presbyterian
Church.
Recently vacated.
- Is it that one?!
Home of the infamous
church league.
This is exactly
where this should go down.
There's no dressing rooms
here, so the EU will have
to get dressed in the church
basement over there,
and we'll have to see if someone
living around here
will let you guys get dressed
in their house.
What do you think
of that, slut?
I fuckin' love it.
Who's Nat talking to in there?
The church.
We really appreciate
this donation from the Bulldogs.
The church can definitely
use it.
We appreciate you
letting us use your rink.
It just sits there now.
Someone should use it.
Nat, I don't want to sound
like the harpy church lady here,
but we don't want a repeat
of past mistakes and
cancelling the church league
was ugly for us.
- I saw it on the news.
- That story really took on
a life of its own.
- They talked about it
on Spittin' Chiclets.
- The police were here so much
that the players stopped caring
that the police were here.
- Those guys play like psychos.
- I've heard.
Clearly a culture problem
with the sport.
- Why do you say that?
- If even Christian
hockey players can't behave
Just we had members
of our own congregation
in cuffs on that bench.
- Both benches.
We certainly don't want to be
on Skippin' Chiclets again.
Zero tolerance policy for
fighting. Do you understand?
- Yes.
- If it happens,
the police come, and you go.
All right
I'm gonna boot him
straight in the head.
- Chill. Chill.
- I'm gonna boot him
straight in the fuckin'--
Chill.
So, we're back in
the Sudbury 5 dressing room,
but it's a reasonable hour
this time,
and there's no strippers here.
I just wanna give a quick stick
tap to all the boys
for building a winning culture.
Not just with Emily
Aw!
Kev
Santiago and Jorge
But for getting involved
with youth sports.
And for supporting
bums outside the rink.
That's how you build
a winning culture.
That's how you do it.
All right, last practice
together on deck here, boys.
Yeah, big skate on deck
here now.
I want hard passes,
calling for pucks,
practice how you play.
So, we've got the game
with the Euros in a few days.
Wanna make sure everyone's
on the same page here.
We're gonna do some real
bad shit to those guys.
Don't bring your girls,
wait a couple days
before you call your parents.
This will be bad.
Why, Big Mo?
- Pride on the line.
- Yes.
They thumped everybody.
They won't thump us.
- Yes.
- The North American game
is not dead.
- Yes.
Also, because I told Wayne we'd
give him something to watch.
Gretzky. Son of Walter.
Brantford, Ontario's very own.
Now, to do what we're gonna do
to these Euros, which is
Some real bad shit.
We need complete faith
in each other.
We need complete trust
in each other.
We need total buy-in
from every guy in this room.
Every single guy.
And, of course,
no hammering ass
before the game.
Get it all outta ya now.
So, after practice here,
any issues you've got
with each other or otherwise,
open it up, air it out.
Let's get our house in order.
Shoresy.
Hey, Jill.
All the boys are coming home
for your game.
- Yeah, they told me.
- They're all very excited.
Well, they're all acting
like girls about it
on the group chat.
- They can't wait to see you.
- Well, wait 'til they see this.
- I can just imagine.
- Uh-huh.
- Laura coming?
- Think so.
- How is she?
- Good.
- You've got a winner there.
Yeah, I know.
She was the prettiest girl
in high school.
- I believe it.
- But she didn't wanna be.
She didn't care.
- Still doesn't.
I find that so sexy.
You know we should
all hang out sometime.
I haven't seen her in forever.
"I haven't seen
her in forever."
And then she just messages me
on Facebook,
"We should all hang out
sometime."
I creeped her photos.
She's still super hot.
Do you think so?
I told my friends she looks
like Charlize Theron.
What did you say
to your friends about it?
That a woman sent me
a message saying
she wants to hang out with me
and my boyfriend.
What do you think about that?
- What do I think about it?
- No.
- Huh?
- I said to my friends,
"What do you think about that?"
- And your friends think
That Jill wants to have sex
with both of us
at the same time.
Hmm.
But--
- No, that's it.
- Maybe--
- No, that's it.
- How do ya--
- Because if I sent a woman
a message saying I wanted
to hang out with her
and her boyfriend
- Yeah.
it would be to have sex
with both of them
at the same time.
So, Jill wants to have sex with
both of us at the same time.
Hmm.
If I wanted to have sex
with you and Jill
at the same time
would you wanna have sex
with me and Jill
at the same time?
Do you want to have sex with me
and Jill at the same time?
What are you doing?
Why are you making that face?
- I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
When I was a little boy,
my Dad caught me smoking.
So, he went out and bought
a pack of Du Mauriers
and made me smoke them
'til I puked.
- You never smoked again?
- No, I continued to smoke.
I was gonna say, I had
a smoke with you last weekend.
In fact, I believe it was
that day with my Dad
and the Du Mauriers that
I became addicted to smoking.
- You shouldn't smoke.
- I've smoked off and on
my whole life.
- You wanna smoke now?
- No, thank you.
- What's your angle here,
Palmer?
Just because that method
didn't work for me,
doesn't mean
it won't work for you.
You want me to smoke
'til I puke?
Smoking's not your poison,
young buck.
Your poison is lappies.
- Among other things.
- Lap dances?
- You love lappies.
Never seen
anything like it.
But we've got the Euros soon.
And we need your full focus.
So, we're gonna put an embargo
on lappies after tomorrow.
He's not gonna know
what an embargo is.
I know what an embargo is.
I only kinda know
what an embargo is, truthfully.
- It means no lappies, right?
- Basically.
I understood it to mean
no lappies, yes.
- But after tomorrow, you said?
- Yes.
So, you think
the solution here is
We get Delaney
so many lappies,
he isn't even thinking about 'em
while we're playing the Euros.
- Really?
- Yes.
- What do you think, Schnurr?
- Think it's worth a shot.
Sometimes I think
God really sees me.
Delaney, when you're ready,
Octavia will meet you
in the VIP.
Got 20 bucks?
Get it all outta you now.
Round three, Gord. Let's go.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello.
In an effort to get our house
in order before the big game,
we brought you here to clear
the air on an outstanding issue.
Now, we know this is
a sensitive topic. Right, Jim?
- Yeah.
- But with everyone's honesty
and cooperation, I think we can
find a healthy and amicable
solution for all involved. Jim.
- Yeah?
- No, that Jim.
What's up, Jim?
What's goin' on, buddy?
Jim, me and Jim think you
should always follow your heart.
- Settle down.
- But you followed your heart
to I don't wanna say
a forbidden place.
- No.
- But close to it.
- Yeah.
- Jim and I spent the night
together when I was trying
to get back at Goody
for banging the hockey mom.
We didn't have sex.
- Jim?
- It's true.
We didn't go all the way.
- Why?
A decision I stand by today.
Goody, Jim, you've both had
relationships with Britt.
- They just kissed.
- Some people feel
that's more powerful.
- No, they don't.
- Some people do.
Jim and I think you should
both make your pitch to Britt
and she decides
who she likes better.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Jim, why don't you begin.
Britt
Sometimes, I need a map.
- Why?
'Cause I get so lost
in your eyes.
Unbelievable.
The truth is, I see you,
and I think you're special,
and I just want you to be happy.
If I open my heart
to someone, sure
it'd be someone like you.
But if you prefer someone
like Goody,
I'd understand.
That's sweet, Jim.
- Goody?
- How's the sex?
- Ten outta ten.
- There you go.
Britt you have the floor.
Your attention please.
- Big game on deck here, b'ys.
- And girls.
It's time to get our house
in order.
What's been happening
in your relationships,
I don't know what to say
for the best.
Maybe there ain't no best to it.
Mercedes in particular.
Never heard nothin'
so bad as that.
- What's he talking about?
- You're all in unhealthy
relationships, and we're here
to unload that baggage
before you play the Euros.
- Query.
- What'd you call me?
Why are you two hosting this?
Because we're in
the healthiest relationship.
- By what metric?
- Oh, I think I know
what he's talking about.
So, Hitch slept with
the hockey mom this summer.
And even though
I don't like how
I found out about it,
I slept with another dude
this summer,
so they cancel each other out.
- And that's healthy?
- An eye for an eye, old man.
- Strong as oak.
- Dolo?
- What it do?
- By now I'm sure you knows
Melodie is also seeing
the starting point guard
for the Sudbury 5.
Loic. Yes.
Perhaps you wants
to air that out?
For who?
For each other.
We're in an
open relationship.
Really?
Yes.
That's unconventional.
Not in Québec.
- Oh!
- Ah.
Well, that solves that.
So, you can bang
whoever you want?
You shouldn't
kiss and tell.
It's not me.
I'm asking for a friend.
- Who?
- You don't know him.
Who do you know
that I don't know?
- Lots of guys.
- No.
- Okay, it's a girl.
- It's a girl?
Yeah.
You said this was about
having sex with two people
of the opposite sex.
- Yeah.
And it's a girl
in this situation?
- Yeah.
- So, a girl you know
wants to have sex with two dudes
at the same time,
and came to you about it?
- Yeah.
- For advice?
- Yeah.
So, a girl you know
came to you for advice
on having sex with two dudes
at the same time?
- Okay, I'm lying.
- I know. So, this is about you?
Yeah.
Having sex with two people
of the opposite sex?
Yeah.
So, another girl
wants to have sex
with you and Laura
at the same time?
You got there fast.
- Why would they want you there?
- That's what I said!
- Laura's bisexual?
- I don't know.
Well, you better find out.
What's up,
you fuckin' bisexual?
- Who said I'm bisexual?
- Huh?
- You think I'm bisexual?
- Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't.
- I'm going to bed with you.
Well, a person would have
to be a little bit bisexual
to have sex with a guy
and a girl at the same time.
Oh, I forgot about that.
- Did you really?
- No.
Fuckin' You're such
a fuckin' good time.
A person would have to be
a little bit bisexual
to have sex with a guy
and a girl at the same time.
All right, so you're
a little bit bisexual.
A person might be
a little bit bisexual.
Look, you better start
speakin' plain
or you're cut off.
- Yeah?
Yeah, for like, 15 minutes.
I asked you if you wanted
to have sex with Jill and me
at the same time.
- I recall.
- You never answered.
- Well
- Well, what?
- Fuck, come on.
- Come on, what?
- I still can't believe
she wants me there.
She could have sex
with just you.
You could have sex
with just me.
She's good.
She's really good.
- And she's so fuckin' hot.
- She is.
- Like, she's so fuckin' cool.
- And you didn't answer her?
- On what?
- On--
- Huh?
On if you want to have sex
with her and Jill
at the same time.
- Well
- Well, what?
- Come on.
- Come on, what?
- Don't be such a broad.
What, you're the big man
who wants to have sex
with two girls at the same time.
- I never once said that.
So, you don't want
to have sex
with two girls
at the same time?
Never said that either.
But you're not man enough
to tell her that?
- Tell her what?
- Tell her what?
That I wanna have sex
with her and another girl
at the same time?
- No.
Huh?
That you want to have sex
with another girl.
- Where's the big man?
- Gettin' a lappy.
Where's Palmer?
You didn't mean Palmer
when you said, "the big man?"
- No.
- Hmm. Thought you meant Palmer.
- Why?
- 'Cause he's a big man.
- I meant Delaney.
- Delaney's gettin' a lappy.
So, Palmer and Delaney
are both getting lappies?
- Yep.
- Why aren't you
getting a lappy?
I thought it was important
in all of this
someone wasn't getting a lappy.
- Good. You're a good man.
- Where you goin'?
- Gettin' a lappy.
Thank you
for choosing me.
Don't make me regret it.
Guess we should get doing
something healthy and amicable?
- Like what?
- I like bingo and crokinole.
Hmm.
Let's go to the strippers.
Your attention, please.
Welcome to day two of getting
our house in order, b'ys.
- And girls.
- While we all hoped
to get it in order yesterday,
I'm sure none of you regrets
watching the Jackass marathon
on Spike TV and ordering
tasty takeout wings
from Buzzy Brown's Brasserie.
Michaels, you are in
an unhealthy relationship
with Mercedes.
I'm not technically
in any relationship
with Mercedes.
Oh, okay. So, then you're not
gonna be upset to hear that--
- I fucked the Fridge Twins.
- Freezer.
- Doesn't matter.
- At the same time?
- Which time?
- What?
- Pardon?
- I was wondering
why these guys were here.
Today there's a Matrix marathon
on Spike TV.
- Why?
- Because you're banging Miig.
Really?
Attaboy.
Mercedes, you know I detest
that edgy language, please.
Didn't care then,
don't care now.
Right, Mercedes,
you slept with a teammate
to get revenge on Michaels,
and that is unhealthy.
Wait a minute,
you used sex with a teammate
to get back at Hitch
for banging a hockey mom.
- Mm-mm, that's different.
- How?
I only had sex
with one teammate.
- Yawn.
- So, Michaels, how do you plan
on nurturing the relationship
so you can both move on?
I don't need to nurture
this relationship.
- Why not?
- Because we're not
in a relationship!
- Oh?
- No!
Because I'm making love
to Miig.
- Ugh!
Serious?
Attaboy.
So, you're not in
a relationship with Mercedes?
- No!
- Then you're not gonna be upset
to hear that--
- I fucked the Italian guy, too.
Sly Sylvestri?
I don't fuckin' know.
His name is Sly.
I have him saved on my phone
as a spaghetti emoji.
We are not
in an unhealthy relationship,
we are in no relationship!
- Well, that solves that.
- I think our work here is done.
So, then I guess you won't
be upset to hear that--
Yeah yeah,
you know, yeah, I will.
You know what? This is clearly
upsetting to me.
Well, house in order, b'ys!
And girls!
What is this?
This is where
we play the EU All-Stars.
This is a dump.
This is the north.
We ain't pretty,
and we get dirty.
We extended our tour
to play outside?
You wanted the NOSHO
North Stars.
I did.
This is where the NOSHO
North Stars play.
I will regret
this decision.
We'll make sure of it.
House in order?
- Yes, sir!
- Well, Delaney's here on time.
Mercedes is out
of the picture for good.
The Britt love triangle
is over.
Really?
Yeah.
B'ys relationships
never done so good
as what they does, me son.
Well, and Ol' Gorgeous has got
no colour in his cheeks.
Got all the bangin'
outta me, Shoresy.
Looks like total buy-in to me!
All right.
Well, this ship needs a captain
and a couple first mates.
Actually, that sounds pretty
gay. What do you think, Mo?
- First mate leans gay to me.
- Which is fine, but like--
Just maybe not
super necessary.
So, what like,
alternate captain?
- Assistant captain.
- Huh?
This team needs a captain
and a couple assistant captains.
Well, you heard the man! Jim!
- Yeah.
- No, that Jim.
Jim, for meditating
the discussion between--
- Mediating.
- What?
- Mediating.
- For mediating the discussion?
Yep.
Jim, for mediating
the discussion
between Goody and Jim
so that the love triangle
may be
flattened
we are naming you
assistant captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
Hey, hey, hey!
Schnurr!
Schnurr. Schnurr.
For guiding Delaney,
Palmer, and Sly
through what can only be
described
as a monsoon of lappies,
while never once accepting
a lappy for yourself
we're naming you
assistant captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
Now, Hitch!
- Me?!
No, the other Hitch. So dumb.
For hosting the airing out
of relationship baggage
between the boys
and their girls,
while keeping it simple
in your own relationship
so that you bring
no relationship baggage
of your own
- Not to mention being
the senior member of this team.
Yeah, a lot of rubber
on that road.
You will lead this team
before The Great One himself.
Number 99, Wayne Gretzky.
Proud to call him a friend
as captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
I don't know what to say--
Yeah!!
Got your house in order, bro?
No.
What do you mean, no?
- No other girls.
- No?
- No.
- Jill's on her way over.
- Come on.
- Why?
Why, what?
Huh?
- Why no other girls?
- You're crafty.
- I'm Laura.
- You're trying to get me
to say something.
- She'll be here any minute.
- Hey
Do you wanna have sex
with another guy?
- No.
- Cool.
I don't wanna have sex
with another girl.
Cool.
Let's get a timeshare
in New Brunswick
and train foxes.
Did you give her a key?!
What's up, big boy?
Hey, Shoresy.
Why aren't you at your dad's?
I can never get
the TV working.
What do you wanna
watch so bad?
- Shut up.
- Try-on hauls.
Can I stay with you guys?
Of course.
Well, we're gonna have
to charge you extra.
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
Yeah, I need her
in the daytime ♪
I need her ♪
Yeah, and I need her
in the night ♪
I need her ♪
Yeah, and I want to throw
my arms around her ♪
I need her ♪
And kiss and hug her
kiss and hug her tight ♪
Yeah, when I'm returning ♪
From so far away ♪
She give me some
sweet lovin' ♪
Brighten up my day ♪
Yeah, and it make me
righteous ♪
Yeah, and it make me whole ♪
Yeah, and it make me mellow ♪
Down into my soul ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
I'm Anik Archambault
with BROdude Sports.
Welcome to coverage
of the EU All-Stars
versus the NOSHO North Stars.
I'm here with NOSHO
assistant coach Morris.
Big Mo, the boys keeping warm?
- Uh-huh.
- Where exactly?
House over there.
And the EU?
Church over there.
Northern hospitality,
ladies and gentlemen.
Mo, Shoresy declined
this interview with BROdude
and I've gotta say,
I'm hurt man! We go way back!
He'll get you after the game.
Putting his final touches
on the game plan?
Plan's clear.
Well, the team's had
plenty of practice time.
What's been the focus?
But North American
players are not at the level
they once were.
Our record here proves
that the players here
are overvalued.
Certainly not as tough as their
reputation would suggest.
These guys are beating
the crap out of everybody!
They're playing it better
than we ever played it
over here!
I could have done this
with little girls.
Got us playing
the European game now.
Thank God it's almost over!
The reputation for tough
hockey here has expired.
They took away our tools.
We are not scared of them.
This was nothing
short of embarrassing.
- A thumping!
- Thrashing!
- A walloping!
- Merciless beating!
Shellacking!
The North American game
is dying.
Overrated.
Verified. Validated.
Confirmed.
Here we go, now.
Keith Primeau,
Keith Tkachuk, Billy Guerin,
Brendan Shanahan,
Darien Hatcher.
- Scott Stevens.
- Yes, Captain Crunch.
These guys are world-class
hockey players,
and these guys will fuck you up.
Sure, the style of play
may be going,
but that style of player
ain't goin' anywhere.
Like a massive part
of the success of Canada
and U.S. hockey
on the international stage
has been the hitting.
Some guys you put
a hockey stick in their hand,
and they become a completely
different person.
The guarantee that if you
play us, we will hurt you.
They can't help it.
They're just born that way.
- Beat 'em up.
- They're unbeatable!
You guys are gonna give me
something to watch
again this year, right?
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Yes, UK massive
Yes, UK massive ♪
difuze
I'm Jory Jordan,
and this is the Sudbury Kids
Sport Report On Location.
I'm here with former
Bulldog number 69 Shore,
fresh off a narrow win over
the Apeldoorn's from Timmins.
Well, you knocked off
Donkervoort and Swellengrebel.
Who's next,
Dumbledore and Scrappy-Doo?
No answer, eh?
Think you're hot shit
cuz you beat a team of guys
named by Dr. Seuss?
It's good to be with you,
Shoresy.
You've got the EU All-Stars
on deck here
and you'll no doubt get pumped
by a bunch of dudes
wearing tarps that look like
coupon books. Care to comment?
Think Gretzky will ever
forgive you when he can't
show his face at Jari Kurri's
Midsommar party this year?
They say having a touch of grey
is a sign of wisdom,
but how do you think you'll fare
having only
a touch of grey matter?
Think your phone would unlock
if I used the facial ID
function by pointing it
at a 14-year-old
English Bulldog's butthole
or ball sack?
Shoresy, the EU's
gonna thump you,
it's nothing short of certain,
so, the SKSR asked its listeners
to send us their post-game
quotes early.
Connor from Elliot Lake writes,
"Not since I got some ass
on my dad's fake grass
have I seen someone get fucked
on home turf like that."
Thanks, Con-Man.
And Liz from Manitoulin writes,
"Haven't seen anyone get
this embarrassed
in their own backyard
since my aunt
tried to piss out a bonfire."
Okay.
Hakohrju, Ruzicka,
and Cederstrom.
Is that really the EU roster
or did a cat
walk across a keyboard?
Shoresy, how do you navigate
your every day emotions
knowing the absolute best
your future can offer
is seasonal employment
shoveling snow
outside the Rainbow Centre?
Oh!
Gotta run, Shoresy.
Something important.
Good luck with the EU, coach.
It's a bit smaller
than regulation,
but it cleans up nicely.
Kev will give
the ice surface
some TLC and it'll be just like
the rink downtown.
It's nothing like the rink
downtown, don't be an idiot.
- Do you hate it?
- Mm-mm.
Then say something, slut.
Just taking it in.
I love an outdoor rink.
Almost like it's breathing, eh?
No, it's not.
Well, all right.
So, you love it?
Never played at
this one before.
- It's private.
- Owned by the Presbyterian
Church.
Recently vacated.
- Is it that one?!
Home of the infamous
church league.
This is exactly
where this should go down.
There's no dressing rooms
here, so the EU will have
to get dressed in the church
basement over there,
and we'll have to see if someone
living around here
will let you guys get dressed
in their house.
What do you think
of that, slut?
I fuckin' love it.
Who's Nat talking to in there?
The church.
We really appreciate
this donation from the Bulldogs.
The church can definitely
use it.
We appreciate you
letting us use your rink.
It just sits there now.
Someone should use it.
Nat, I don't want to sound
like the harpy church lady here,
but we don't want a repeat
of past mistakes and
cancelling the church league
was ugly for us.
- I saw it on the news.
- That story really took on
a life of its own.
- They talked about it
on Spittin' Chiclets.
- The police were here so much
that the players stopped caring
that the police were here.
- Those guys play like psychos.
- I've heard.
Clearly a culture problem
with the sport.
- Why do you say that?
- If even Christian
hockey players can't behave
Just we had members
of our own congregation
in cuffs on that bench.
- Both benches.
We certainly don't want to be
on Skippin' Chiclets again.
Zero tolerance policy for
fighting. Do you understand?
- Yes.
- If it happens,
the police come, and you go.
All right
I'm gonna boot him
straight in the head.
- Chill. Chill.
- I'm gonna boot him
straight in the fuckin'--
Chill.
So, we're back in
the Sudbury 5 dressing room,
but it's a reasonable hour
this time,
and there's no strippers here.
I just wanna give a quick stick
tap to all the boys
for building a winning culture.
Not just with Emily
Aw!
Kev
Santiago and Jorge
But for getting involved
with youth sports.
And for supporting
bums outside the rink.
That's how you build
a winning culture.
That's how you do it.
All right, last practice
together on deck here, boys.
Yeah, big skate on deck
here now.
I want hard passes,
calling for pucks,
practice how you play.
So, we've got the game
with the Euros in a few days.
Wanna make sure everyone's
on the same page here.
We're gonna do some real
bad shit to those guys.
Don't bring your girls,
wait a couple days
before you call your parents.
This will be bad.
Why, Big Mo?
- Pride on the line.
- Yes.
They thumped everybody.
They won't thump us.
- Yes.
- The North American game
is not dead.
- Yes.
Also, because I told Wayne we'd
give him something to watch.
Gretzky. Son of Walter.
Brantford, Ontario's very own.
Now, to do what we're gonna do
to these Euros, which is
Some real bad shit.
We need complete faith
in each other.
We need complete trust
in each other.
We need total buy-in
from every guy in this room.
Every single guy.
And, of course,
no hammering ass
before the game.
Get it all outta ya now.
So, after practice here,
any issues you've got
with each other or otherwise,
open it up, air it out.
Let's get our house in order.
Shoresy.
Hey, Jill.
All the boys are coming home
for your game.
- Yeah, they told me.
- They're all very excited.
Well, they're all acting
like girls about it
on the group chat.
- They can't wait to see you.
- Well, wait 'til they see this.
- I can just imagine.
- Uh-huh.
- Laura coming?
- Think so.
- How is she?
- Good.
- You've got a winner there.
Yeah, I know.
She was the prettiest girl
in high school.
- I believe it.
- But she didn't wanna be.
She didn't care.
- Still doesn't.
I find that so sexy.
You know we should
all hang out sometime.
I haven't seen her in forever.
"I haven't seen
her in forever."
And then she just messages me
on Facebook,
"We should all hang out
sometime."
I creeped her photos.
She's still super hot.
Do you think so?
I told my friends she looks
like Charlize Theron.
What did you say
to your friends about it?
That a woman sent me
a message saying
she wants to hang out with me
and my boyfriend.
What do you think about that?
- What do I think about it?
- No.
- Huh?
- I said to my friends,
"What do you think about that?"
- And your friends think
That Jill wants to have sex
with both of us
at the same time.
Hmm.
But--
- No, that's it.
- Maybe--
- No, that's it.
- How do ya--
- Because if I sent a woman
a message saying I wanted
to hang out with her
and her boyfriend
- Yeah.
it would be to have sex
with both of them
at the same time.
So, Jill wants to have sex with
both of us at the same time.
Hmm.
If I wanted to have sex
with you and Jill
at the same time
would you wanna have sex
with me and Jill
at the same time?
Do you want to have sex with me
and Jill at the same time?
What are you doing?
Why are you making that face?
- I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
When I was a little boy,
my Dad caught me smoking.
So, he went out and bought
a pack of Du Mauriers
and made me smoke them
'til I puked.
- You never smoked again?
- No, I continued to smoke.
I was gonna say, I had
a smoke with you last weekend.
In fact, I believe it was
that day with my Dad
and the Du Mauriers that
I became addicted to smoking.
- You shouldn't smoke.
- I've smoked off and on
my whole life.
- You wanna smoke now?
- No, thank you.
- What's your angle here,
Palmer?
Just because that method
didn't work for me,
doesn't mean
it won't work for you.
You want me to smoke
'til I puke?
Smoking's not your poison,
young buck.
Your poison is lappies.
- Among other things.
- Lap dances?
- You love lappies.
Never seen
anything like it.
But we've got the Euros soon.
And we need your full focus.
So, we're gonna put an embargo
on lappies after tomorrow.
He's not gonna know
what an embargo is.
I know what an embargo is.
I only kinda know
what an embargo is, truthfully.
- It means no lappies, right?
- Basically.
I understood it to mean
no lappies, yes.
- But after tomorrow, you said?
- Yes.
So, you think
the solution here is
We get Delaney
so many lappies,
he isn't even thinking about 'em
while we're playing the Euros.
- Really?
- Yes.
- What do you think, Schnurr?
- Think it's worth a shot.
Sometimes I think
God really sees me.
Delaney, when you're ready,
Octavia will meet you
in the VIP.
Got 20 bucks?
Get it all outta you now.
Round three, Gord. Let's go.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello.
In an effort to get our house
in order before the big game,
we brought you here to clear
the air on an outstanding issue.
Now, we know this is
a sensitive topic. Right, Jim?
- Yeah.
- But with everyone's honesty
and cooperation, I think we can
find a healthy and amicable
solution for all involved. Jim.
- Yeah?
- No, that Jim.
What's up, Jim?
What's goin' on, buddy?
Jim, me and Jim think you
should always follow your heart.
- Settle down.
- But you followed your heart
to I don't wanna say
a forbidden place.
- No.
- But close to it.
- Yeah.
- Jim and I spent the night
together when I was trying
to get back at Goody
for banging the hockey mom.
We didn't have sex.
- Jim?
- It's true.
We didn't go all the way.
- Why?
A decision I stand by today.
Goody, Jim, you've both had
relationships with Britt.
- They just kissed.
- Some people feel
that's more powerful.
- No, they don't.
- Some people do.
Jim and I think you should
both make your pitch to Britt
and she decides
who she likes better.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Jim, why don't you begin.
Britt
Sometimes, I need a map.
- Why?
'Cause I get so lost
in your eyes.
Unbelievable.
The truth is, I see you,
and I think you're special,
and I just want you to be happy.
If I open my heart
to someone, sure
it'd be someone like you.
But if you prefer someone
like Goody,
I'd understand.
That's sweet, Jim.
- Goody?
- How's the sex?
- Ten outta ten.
- There you go.
Britt you have the floor.
Your attention please.
- Big game on deck here, b'ys.
- And girls.
It's time to get our house
in order.
What's been happening
in your relationships,
I don't know what to say
for the best.
Maybe there ain't no best to it.
Mercedes in particular.
Never heard nothin'
so bad as that.
- What's he talking about?
- You're all in unhealthy
relationships, and we're here
to unload that baggage
before you play the Euros.
- Query.
- What'd you call me?
Why are you two hosting this?
Because we're in
the healthiest relationship.
- By what metric?
- Oh, I think I know
what he's talking about.
So, Hitch slept with
the hockey mom this summer.
And even though
I don't like how
I found out about it,
I slept with another dude
this summer,
so they cancel each other out.
- And that's healthy?
- An eye for an eye, old man.
- Strong as oak.
- Dolo?
- What it do?
- By now I'm sure you knows
Melodie is also seeing
the starting point guard
for the Sudbury 5.
Loic. Yes.
Perhaps you wants
to air that out?
For who?
For each other.
We're in an
open relationship.
Really?
Yes.
That's unconventional.
Not in Québec.
- Oh!
- Ah.
Well, that solves that.
So, you can bang
whoever you want?
You shouldn't
kiss and tell.
It's not me.
I'm asking for a friend.
- Who?
- You don't know him.
Who do you know
that I don't know?
- Lots of guys.
- No.
- Okay, it's a girl.
- It's a girl?
Yeah.
You said this was about
having sex with two people
of the opposite sex.
- Yeah.
And it's a girl
in this situation?
- Yeah.
- So, a girl you know
wants to have sex with two dudes
at the same time,
and came to you about it?
- Yeah.
- For advice?
- Yeah.
So, a girl you know
came to you for advice
on having sex with two dudes
at the same time?
- Okay, I'm lying.
- I know. So, this is about you?
Yeah.
Having sex with two people
of the opposite sex?
Yeah.
So, another girl
wants to have sex
with you and Laura
at the same time?
You got there fast.
- Why would they want you there?
- That's what I said!
- Laura's bisexual?
- I don't know.
Well, you better find out.
What's up,
you fuckin' bisexual?
- Who said I'm bisexual?
- Huh?
- You think I'm bisexual?
- Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't.
- I'm going to bed with you.
Well, a person would have
to be a little bit bisexual
to have sex with a guy
and a girl at the same time.
Oh, I forgot about that.
- Did you really?
- No.
Fuckin' You're such
a fuckin' good time.
A person would have to be
a little bit bisexual
to have sex with a guy
and a girl at the same time.
All right, so you're
a little bit bisexual.
A person might be
a little bit bisexual.
Look, you better start
speakin' plain
or you're cut off.
- Yeah?
Yeah, for like, 15 minutes.
I asked you if you wanted
to have sex with Jill and me
at the same time.
- I recall.
- You never answered.
- Well
- Well, what?
- Fuck, come on.
- Come on, what?
- I still can't believe
she wants me there.
She could have sex
with just you.
You could have sex
with just me.
She's good.
She's really good.
- And she's so fuckin' hot.
- She is.
- Like, she's so fuckin' cool.
- And you didn't answer her?
- On what?
- On--
- Huh?
On if you want to have sex
with her and Jill
at the same time.
- Well
- Well, what?
- Come on.
- Come on, what?
- Don't be such a broad.
What, you're the big man
who wants to have sex
with two girls at the same time.
- I never once said that.
So, you don't want
to have sex
with two girls
at the same time?
Never said that either.
But you're not man enough
to tell her that?
- Tell her what?
- Tell her what?
That I wanna have sex
with her and another girl
at the same time?
- No.
Huh?
That you want to have sex
with another girl.
- Where's the big man?
- Gettin' a lappy.
Where's Palmer?
You didn't mean Palmer
when you said, "the big man?"
- No.
- Hmm. Thought you meant Palmer.
- Why?
- 'Cause he's a big man.
- I meant Delaney.
- Delaney's gettin' a lappy.
So, Palmer and Delaney
are both getting lappies?
- Yep.
- Why aren't you
getting a lappy?
I thought it was important
in all of this
someone wasn't getting a lappy.
- Good. You're a good man.
- Where you goin'?
- Gettin' a lappy.
Thank you
for choosing me.
Don't make me regret it.
Guess we should get doing
something healthy and amicable?
- Like what?
- I like bingo and crokinole.
Hmm.
Let's go to the strippers.
Your attention, please.
Welcome to day two of getting
our house in order, b'ys.
- And girls.
- While we all hoped
to get it in order yesterday,
I'm sure none of you regrets
watching the Jackass marathon
on Spike TV and ordering
tasty takeout wings
from Buzzy Brown's Brasserie.
Michaels, you are in
an unhealthy relationship
with Mercedes.
I'm not technically
in any relationship
with Mercedes.
Oh, okay. So, then you're not
gonna be upset to hear that--
- I fucked the Fridge Twins.
- Freezer.
- Doesn't matter.
- At the same time?
- Which time?
- What?
- Pardon?
- I was wondering
why these guys were here.
Today there's a Matrix marathon
on Spike TV.
- Why?
- Because you're banging Miig.
Really?
Attaboy.
Mercedes, you know I detest
that edgy language, please.
Didn't care then,
don't care now.
Right, Mercedes,
you slept with a teammate
to get revenge on Michaels,
and that is unhealthy.
Wait a minute,
you used sex with a teammate
to get back at Hitch
for banging a hockey mom.
- Mm-mm, that's different.
- How?
I only had sex
with one teammate.
- Yawn.
- So, Michaels, how do you plan
on nurturing the relationship
so you can both move on?
I don't need to nurture
this relationship.
- Why not?
- Because we're not
in a relationship!
- Oh?
- No!
Because I'm making love
to Miig.
- Ugh!
Serious?
Attaboy.
So, you're not in
a relationship with Mercedes?
- No!
- Then you're not gonna be upset
to hear that--
- I fucked the Italian guy, too.
Sly Sylvestri?
I don't fuckin' know.
His name is Sly.
I have him saved on my phone
as a spaghetti emoji.
We are not
in an unhealthy relationship,
we are in no relationship!
- Well, that solves that.
- I think our work here is done.
So, then I guess you won't
be upset to hear that--
Yeah yeah,
you know, yeah, I will.
You know what? This is clearly
upsetting to me.
Well, house in order, b'ys!
And girls!
What is this?
This is where
we play the EU All-Stars.
This is a dump.
This is the north.
We ain't pretty,
and we get dirty.
We extended our tour
to play outside?
You wanted the NOSHO
North Stars.
I did.
This is where the NOSHO
North Stars play.
I will regret
this decision.
We'll make sure of it.
House in order?
- Yes, sir!
- Well, Delaney's here on time.
Mercedes is out
of the picture for good.
The Britt love triangle
is over.
Really?
Yeah.
B'ys relationships
never done so good
as what they does, me son.
Well, and Ol' Gorgeous has got
no colour in his cheeks.
Got all the bangin'
outta me, Shoresy.
Looks like total buy-in to me!
All right.
Well, this ship needs a captain
and a couple first mates.
Actually, that sounds pretty
gay. What do you think, Mo?
- First mate leans gay to me.
- Which is fine, but like--
Just maybe not
super necessary.
So, what like,
alternate captain?
- Assistant captain.
- Huh?
This team needs a captain
and a couple assistant captains.
Well, you heard the man! Jim!
- Yeah.
- No, that Jim.
Jim, for meditating
the discussion between--
- Mediating.
- What?
- Mediating.
- For mediating the discussion?
Yep.
Jim, for mediating
the discussion
between Goody and Jim
so that the love triangle
may be
flattened
we are naming you
assistant captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
Hey, hey, hey!
Schnurr!
Schnurr. Schnurr.
For guiding Delaney,
Palmer, and Sly
through what can only be
described
as a monsoon of lappies,
while never once accepting
a lappy for yourself
we're naming you
assistant captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
Now, Hitch!
- Me?!
No, the other Hitch. So dumb.
For hosting the airing out
of relationship baggage
between the boys
and their girls,
while keeping it simple
in your own relationship
so that you bring
no relationship baggage
of your own
- Not to mention being
the senior member of this team.
Yeah, a lot of rubber
on that road.
You will lead this team
before The Great One himself.
Number 99, Wayne Gretzky.
Proud to call him a friend
as captain
of the NOSHO North Stars.
I don't know what to say--
Yeah!!
Got your house in order, bro?
No.
What do you mean, no?
- No other girls.
- No?
- No.
- Jill's on her way over.
- Come on.
- Why?
Why, what?
Huh?
- Why no other girls?
- You're crafty.
- I'm Laura.
- You're trying to get me
to say something.
- She'll be here any minute.
- Hey
Do you wanna have sex
with another guy?
- No.
- Cool.
I don't wanna have sex
with another girl.
Cool.
Let's get a timeshare
in New Brunswick
and train foxes.
Did you give her a key?!
What's up, big boy?
Hey, Shoresy.
Why aren't you at your dad's?
I can never get
the TV working.
What do you wanna
watch so bad?
- Shut up.
- Try-on hauls.
Can I stay with you guys?
Of course.
Well, we're gonna have
to charge you extra.
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
Yeah, I need her
in the daytime ♪
I need her ♪
Yeah, and I need her
in the night ♪
I need her ♪
Yeah, and I want to throw
my arms around her ♪
I need her ♪
And kiss and hug her
kiss and hug her tight ♪
Yeah, when I'm returning ♪
From so far away ♪
She give me some
sweet lovin' ♪
Brighten up my day ♪
Yeah, and it make me
righteous ♪
Yeah, and it make me whole ♪
Yeah, and it make me mellow ♪
Down into my soul ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
She give me love
love, love, love ♪
Crazy love ♪
I'm Anik Archambault
with BROdude Sports.
Welcome to coverage
of the EU All-Stars
versus the NOSHO North Stars.
I'm here with NOSHO
assistant coach Morris.
Big Mo, the boys keeping warm?
- Uh-huh.
- Where exactly?
House over there.
And the EU?
Church over there.
Northern hospitality,
ladies and gentlemen.
Mo, Shoresy declined
this interview with BROdude
and I've gotta say,
I'm hurt man! We go way back!
He'll get you after the game.
Putting his final touches
on the game plan?
Plan's clear.
Well, the team's had
plenty of practice time.
What's been the focus?
But North American
players are not at the level
they once were.
Our record here proves
that the players here
are overvalued.
Certainly not as tough as their
reputation would suggest.
These guys are beating
the crap out of everybody!
They're playing it better
than we ever played it
over here!
I could have done this
with little girls.
Got us playing
the European game now.
Thank God it's almost over!
The reputation for tough
hockey here has expired.
They took away our tools.
We are not scared of them.
This was nothing
short of embarrassing.
- A thumping!
- Thrashing!
- A walloping!
- Merciless beating!
Shellacking!
The North American game
is dying.
Overrated.
Verified. Validated.
Confirmed.
Here we go, now.
Keith Primeau,
Keith Tkachuk, Billy Guerin,
Brendan Shanahan,
Darien Hatcher.
- Scott Stevens.
- Yes, Captain Crunch.
These guys are world-class
hockey players,
and these guys will fuck you up.
Sure, the style of play
may be going,
but that style of player
ain't goin' anywhere.
Like a massive part
of the success of Canada
and U.S. hockey
on the international stage
has been the hitting.
Some guys you put
a hockey stick in their hand,
and they become a completely
different person.
The guarantee that if you
play us, we will hurt you.
They can't help it.
They're just born that way.
- Beat 'em up.
- They're unbeatable!
You guys are gonna give me
something to watch
again this year, right?
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Hold it down, hold it down ♪
Hold it down ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Oh my gosh ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Yes, UK massive
Yes, UK massive ♪
difuze