Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e06 Episode Script

1
- [AVA] Take that, Crystal.
- [CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT]
- Now what did you do to get sent here?
- I called my teacher a bad word.
Okay, and what word was that?
I can't say it again.
- Well, what did it start with?
- An N.
Charlie.
I didn't know it was bad. All
the other kids called me that.
That's 'cause they
thought you were cool,
but that ends now. Calling your parents.
They say it too.
They what?
Oh, so you just got a whole
family full of Morgan Wallens, huh?
Dia, get Charlie's parents on the phone.
What is going on?
Girl, Charlie up in here
going full Tarantino.
I'm gonna have to expel him.
Oh, Ava, no. Mr. Small
sent Charlie in here
because he called him a nerd.
- [PA SYSTEM BEEPS]
- Attention teachers,
do not send anyone to my office
unless they actually say a bad word.
I was about to have
Al Sharpton up in here.
Who's Al Sharpton?
Go back to class and learn something.
My God.
And don't turn the air conditioning
below 70 or the heat above 71.
Mr. Johnson won't
break eye contact with me
until I say that the
HVAC system is fragile.
That's right. I reached out to
the district to send someone.
They have not.
Listen to me, y'all.
It's bad. I'm serious.
I know everyone thinks
of me as Mr. Funny Bones,
but this ain't no joke.
[AVA] What else is
going on in this school?
- Now, where are those sassy Bitmojis?
- [AVA CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
I find those are the ones
that are the most disrespectful.
- What are you doing?
- I've got to say happy birthday
to Sister Sloss on the choir group chat,
- even though I loathe her.
- Here's what you do.
You wait until you see a couple
of people said happy birthday,
- and she already said thank you…
- Yeah?
…then you send your happy birthday.
She has to say thank
you again [CHUCKLES]
That's great.
Hey. What I miss?
- Did you make it to the mechanic in time?
- Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
My car was making a weird
noise, so I dropped it off.
Oh, oh. Make the noise and
maybe we could diagnose it.
- Yeah.
- Ah. Yeah, it was a… [CLICKING TONGUE]
- Yeah, I don't know anything about cars.
- Yeah, me neither.
Gregory, stop making broken
brake caliper noises and pay attention.
Although, it does sound like
your bushings are about to go.
Now, as discussed,
Abbott will be participating in the
district's new PHONES initiative,
and here to tell us more
about that is this lady.
It's Emily. You know me.
Okay, if you say so.
Since phone usage has
been so high in schools,
the district came up
with a counter initiative.
"Phones Harm One's Natural
Environment in Schools." PHONES.
It's one day where the students
are rewarded for
staying off their phones,
and today is that day.
Everyone will put their
phones in these boxes,
and if opened, an alert
will be sent to the district,
and Abbott will be disqualified.
Every school that makes it the
entire day will get a pizza party.
[CHEERING]
- Other schools are participating?
- Yep.
Uh, Bates Academy,
McDowell, Liberty Rings
Crystal Riley's school?
All right, kids, hurry up,
put your phones in the box.
We need to win this.
[GROANING]
We don't want to do this challenge.
- You are on your phones all day.
- You'll be fine.
- Who do you need to talk to?
- This is good for you.
You don't need that phone.
And I'll take the staff phones too.
- [MELISSA] What now?
- [AVA] Pardon? [CHUCKLES]
No phones day is for staff
and faculty too, not just kids.
There's no iPhones in team.
I just got a free hour on Toon Blast.
Now, guys, it's okay. We
should lead by example.
Well, it's just one day. It'll be fine.
Well, we'll be fine. I don't
know about you youngsters.
Oh, please. We will be just fine.
It's y'all I'm worried about. [CHUCKLES]
Well, that's a waste of a free
hour game, I can tell you that.
Uh, smartwatches too.
Well, I guess I'll just check my
metabolic capacity by hand then today.
Just tracking my health.
Ava, it's just one day.
Fine, I can do it. [GRUNTS]
I absolutely cannot do it.
These people are crazy.
I'm getting my burner phone.
[RELAXING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
See, everyone? Isn't reading much better
when you don't have a bunch of phones
beeping and buzzing all the time?
May I go to the bathroom?
Yes, you may. Come on up.
Okay, now what is the date?
- The 5th.
- The 5th, right.
Oh, wait, the 5th.
I pay rent on the 5th.
Isn't rent due on the 1st?
You sound like my landlord. [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS] I usually pay rent on my phone.
All right, um…
Everyone, keep on reading,
okay. I will be right back.
Here you go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you pay your rent through
the Rental Venue portal app?
If so, can I use your phone? I
need to pay rent before 4:00 p.m.,
or I get a bunch of late fees.
You're forgetting I also
don't have my phone.
- Oh, shoot.
- Which is a problem for me,
the mechanic said he
would text me updates.
- Oh, no. [SIGHS]
- Yeah.
I need my car for my
food driver shift tonight.
- Right.
- So…
Man. How did people
pay rent before phones?
[GASPS] Well, I think they
wrote a check to their landlord.
- Right. Yeah, checks.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- And those come in a checkbook. Right.
- Checkbook. Yeah.
- I totally know where mine is. Yeah.
- Me too. Yeah.
- What is that?
- A burner phone.
Ava. No one is allowed
to have their phone.
What do you think you're doing?
Cheating. I wanna beat
Crystal, but I need a phone.
And if you say anything,
you will be fired.
Make all the notes you want, Dia.
You'll be making them at
the unemployment office soon.
I am so proud of you guys.
Giving up your phones is a big deal.
But I think we're all gonna
like being disconnected for a bit.
But you're on your computer right now.
So I am. May as well check for updates.
Today's news is tomorrow's
history, as they say.
[GASPS] The Supreme
Court handed down its decision
in the Idaho Department
of Water Resources
versus the US Bureau of Reclamation.
Okay. Okay. [TYPING]
[GRUNTS] Legacy media is
too slow for big moments like this.
I need live reactions.
Oh, uh, no phone. Okay. Yeah.
[SCOFFS] Yeah. This is fine. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, we don't know
how people are reacting.
They don't know how how I'm reacting,
um, and that's fine. It's fine.
Hey, why don't you just log
into Twitter on your computer?
First of all, I don't use
that platform anymore.
And second, you would
love that, wouldn't you?
I forgot to log out of
my computer one time,
and the kids got a hold of it.
For the record, and despite what
my second most viral tweet says,
I do not love to eat my
boogers. In fact, I hate it.
Hey, Barb, did I ever…
[WHISPERS] Sorry.
Did I ever mention the password
to my fantasy team to you?
Not now, Melissa. I can't
log into my lesson plan.
Oh, you think that's bad? I'm down
six points on my fantasy football,
and I just heard Mahomes
is out with a "sore foot."
Plus I'm waiting on some
dumb medical results
to come into my health portal.
Medical results?
It's nothing. I got a
sharp pain in my side.
- It's there a few weeks, won't go away.
- Melissa, this sounds serious.
No, what's serious is me getting Mahomes
on the bench before kickoff, Barb.
Well, I can't text my choir group chat,
and if I'm the last person to
wish Sister Sloss a happy birthday,
she will never let it go.
- She nasty that way.
- Ow
[AVA] I gotta have one somewhere.
Ava, some of us are working.
And some of us are
trying to find a charger
for this near-extinct phone.
Wait, your phone's probably
ancient. Let me borrow your charger.
Ain't nobody got that
old charger anymore.
You can survive one day
without your damn phone.
[IMITATING DIA] "You can survive
one day without your damn phone."
[HUMMING]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, hey. [CHUCKLES]
I'm doing great so far.
I have reminders set
for everything on my to-do list,
but since I don't have my phone, I
have nothing to do. [CHUCKLES]
But I have a rich imagination
though, so I never get bored.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Hey. Did you sort your rent out?
- Hey. No.
I can't find my checkbook, so I'm
gonna have to go down to the bank.
- Did you get in touch with your mechanic?
- No.
I checked the website and there
was a phone number in blue font,
and a photo of the mechanic's
dad, who's been dead.
So I'm gonna call when I get a break.
With what? [CHUCKLES]
A landline.
You know what? This is bad.
I kind of think we should forfeit
the challenge. Is that insane?
- No, it's not. Yeah.
- Right?
You're struggling, I'm struggling.
You know the kids are struggling.
- I bet they just want to call it off.
- They're gonna be relieved. Watch.
Hey, kids. This no phones
thing is the pits, right?
[ALL] No.
I love not having a phone.
I already finished my homework
for today and tomorrow.
- And I painted this picture.
- [STUDENTS LAUGH]
- Oh, wow. Do you…
- Wow.
Hey, hey. Oh, Deonte, Dwayne,
We said if you two cannot
get along, we don't sit by…
It's okay, Ms. Teagues. Without phones,
we realized we have a lot in common.
We're friends now.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I think to call out from
the landline in your classroom,
it's star, zero, and the phone number.
- Copy that. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Salt and pepper.
- [STUDENT] Got it.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERS] Psst. Hey.
What's up?
Are either of you signed into
Twitter on your computers?
- No.
- Mm-mmm.
Ha! That was a trick question,
as we should all be on Bluesky.
Are you logged into that?
Uh, no. Those sites are
banned on work computers
ever since we all found out how
much you love to eat boogers.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, for the last time… [GROANS]
I need my phone, guys.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
I admit this is a little bit more
inconvenient than we thought it'd be,
- but the kids are really happy.
- Yeah, try to focus on the kids.
The kids are doing
great. They're laughing.
They're making up
trends without a camera.
They're dancing like no one's watching.
- Bet they're totally fine.
- Oh, of course they are.
- They've lived centuries without devices.
- I know.
I will admit, I do miss my…
I love that picture of me.
- [MELISSA] Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
I've been off balance all day
without my phone necklace.
Okay, I know it sucks, but we
can't let them see us sweat, all right?
- This is supposed to be easy for us.
- Yeah.
- [MELISSA] How you doing?
- [LAUGHS]
Play it cool. They think we're
gonna fail because we're young.
How's it going down there?
Oh. So good. But we
are sending you strength.
Aw, thank you for that.
We're gonna send it back.
We, um…
Ava, Ava. Um, it must be really
hard not to text O'Shon, huh?
How you holding up, chica?
I never text O'Shon, he texts me.
And this is the easiest
thing I've ever done.
[JACOB SIGHS]
- [SIGHS] I gotta go to the bank.
- Yeah, I gotta call my mechanic.
[GRUNTS] The Supreme Court
decision in Idaho is heating up
and none of my followers know
where I stand. [CHUCKLES]
What if people are
changing their profile pictures
to potatoes to protest?
- Is it really that big a deal?
- Yes.
[PANTS] I hope the other teachers
are handling this better than I am.
Hey, does anybody have
the ESPN Fantasy Sports app?
- I do.
- Yes!
- But it's on my phone.
- [STUDENTS LAUGH]
Wow, you really can't handle
not having your phone, huh?
You'd be upset too if
you were down six points
to a team called "Aaron Rodger's
Really-Hot-Totally-Not-Fake Wife."
[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS]
Does anybody have
the Jefferson Health patient
portal? Anybody got that?
- Isn't that also on your phone?
- [STUDENTS LAUGH]
[MELISSA] Okay, new assignment.
Everybody come up
with five potential reasons
for a sharp pain in the side.
The more descriptive, the better.
And that's who runs the world now, kids.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Mr. Johnson,
thank you so much for watching my class.
I'm sure my students
are now very enlightened.
Someone has to teach at this school.
Totally. Thanks.
Bye, kids. And remember what I said.
Guys, forget everything
Mr. Johnson said.
Oh, and, um, go back to your worksheets,
and I'll be right back, okay?
[SIGHS]
- That was a quick trip. You pay your rent?
- [JANINE] Nope.
Turns out without my
phone, I have no GPS
and no idea how to get to the bank.
Drove around in circles for a while,
then I asked a man for directions,
he tells me to go right at the
light and [BLEEP] at the corner.
So I came back here.
Get in touch with your mechanic?
- I've been on hold.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
What's up? It's Reggie's Auto Pros.
It's super easy to get in touch
with me using the app I made.
- Not everyone needs an app!
- Search for Reggie's App
- wherever you get your apps…
- It's fine.
I'll just call a cab and
go down there myself.
[REGGIE'S] Peace.
God, it's like I can
still feel it in my pocket.
I know.
All right now, hold on, babies.
If Mrs. Howard can just
break into this computer…
- [COMPUTER ERROR TONE]
- [GROANS]
then we would know
the rest of our schedule.
- Mrs. Howard.
- Yes, baby.
Can you play the afternoon
song so we can sing?
That is a wonderful
idea. Now I will just…
I don't have my phone. You see,
children, Spotify is on my phone,
which is why we should have
never strayed from records and CDs.
Are you okay, Mrs. Howard?
Yes, but I'm just a little frustrated.
I have not been able to wish
my "friend" a happy birthday
because I don't have my phone.
- Oh, that's bad.
- Yes, it is.
Plus, any day now, my
grandbaby could arrive and…
Oh, wait a minute now.
If Taylor gives birth today,
that would be on
Sister Sloss's birthday.
Oh, no.
Or "Oh, yes."
Because then I could
upstage Sister Sloss.
And every birthday from now on,
she would be reminded
of me, Barbara Howard.
I need my phone.
ESPN just sent me a text
alert. I can hear it in there.
You're also waiting for
important medical information.
What? Oh, no, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
- Oh.
- [SCREAMS]
- What are you three doing in here?
- Uh, we came to read.
[CHUCKLES] You came
to break into the boxes.
- [JANINE] Yes.
- Yeah.
- [MELISSA] Give me that.
- Yeah.
Okay. You gotta do
it… You hear the click…
[JACOB] Oh, yeah.
[AVA] The hell going on in here?
- Uh, nothing.
- Uh… Reconnecting with books.
[MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
Yes. And it has been so
nice to spend time with books.
Yeah, without all the
stupid distractions.
Like work. Yuck.
Good, 'cause I've been
enjoying this break.
You know, I didn't think I would,
but really, it's recentered me.
What?
Ava, what's that on your ankle?
- [AVA] My foot.
- No, no, no. Something lit up.
[BARBARA, MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
It's my ankle monitor.
I'm on house arrest.
I know that animation anywhere.
You just closed a movement ring.
[AVA] Please. [LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
Ha! Forbidden fruit. She's
wearing a smartwatch.
Fine, I can't take this.
It's straight up torture. I need
my phone. Y'all better than me.
[GASPS] We are not better than you.
I need my phone too.
- I hate to admit it, this was a bad idea.
- Very bad.
Okay, why don't we just
take the L like champs?
We'll crack open these cases, spend
the rest of the day blasting toons.
- I like that.
- Yeah. Okay.
Dia, would you please go
down to the office, get the keys,
so that we can free our phones?
Now, before I walk all
the way down to admin
It's 27 steps.
- Are you all sure you want to forfeit?
- Absolutely.
- I would do anything.
- Yep. Ticktock, let's rock.
[JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- [BARBARA] Dia.
- Where do you think you're going?
Uh…
Where do you think you're going?
First off, do not
speak to Dia like that.
She is to be treated with
respect at most times.
Second, she's going to get
the key to unlock our phones.
- What about the PHONES initiative?
- Okay, I got it.
Um, Courtney [CHUCKLES]
What's up, girlfriend?
Hey, so we tried, we really did.
But we have important
adult responsibilities
that require us to have our
phones, like paying our rent late.
Or finding out what's wrong with my car.
Or learning if my
daughter's gone into labor.
Or if Mahomes is
still on the injured list.
- I don't care about your sad problems.
- Sad? Excuse me.
You expect our school to give
up and lose out on a pizza party
because y'all aren't responsible
enough to handle your business.
- All right, this is getting hurtful.
- What?
Hey, how about we just buy you
pizza, right? Then it's a win-win.
How can you buy pizza? You
can't even afford to pay rent.
That is a good point.
That's a good point though.
- She has a point.
- [TEACHERS CLAMORING]
Okay. Listen, little girl.
We're all gonna chip in, okay?
Yes.
That way we get our phones, and
you get your beloved pizza. Deal?
[CHUCKLES] Nope. A deal
insinuates there's more to get.
Oh, we gave her too much
sauce at that science fair.
- We really did.
- Yeah.
- Courtney, what do you want?
- A trip to Disney World.
- Oh, deal.
- [AVA] No.
- You need to let that dream go.
- Mm-hmm.
This is called negotiating.
Okay, we want a pizza day,
wings, soda, and KPop
Demon Hunters on repeat.
No soda, but you can have the rest.
Deal.
- Now, Dia, go get them damn keys.
- Yes.
[LAUGHS]
You know, Courtney, one day
you're gonna be in high school
and this won't all be so cute.
But for now, adorable.
I gotta be honest
with you, I had no idea
that it was gonna be this hard
to go one day without a phone.
And I don't know what
that says about me.
Or, you know, phone
companies or society at large,
but I'm sure somewhere in
there there's a valuable lesson.
- Come on.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Come on. Thank you.
- Dia, yes.
[CHEERS, LAUGHS]
So much for the quiet zone.
I was just getting to the good part.
Is Andrea in that one?
That's what I call my Android.
Oh. Yeah. Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Four missed calls.
Okay, "Two broken brake
calipers. Best to change all four.
It will be pricier, like 300 per wheel.
Gonna replace all four,
better safe than sorry.
Didn't hear from you, so
assume that's cool." $1,200!
- [GROANS]
- Gosh.
My rent is sent though.
[CHUCKLES] So no late fees for me.
- [GRUNTS]
- Suck it, credit score. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, text from my landlord.
"Do not flush your toilet.
And if you need it fixed before
the weekend, text me by noon."
- What the hell?
- Huh?
- Yes!
- Good news?
Yeah, I got Mahomes
benched, picked up Stroud,
and I got another free
hour on Toon Blast.
And your medical issue?
Oh, yeah, I gotta get my gallbladder
removed, but it's laparoscopic.
I only missed 76 DMs.
My phone dry as hell.
Yeah, I missed like a
ton of texts, so I feel you.
I missed six, all from Crate & Barrel.
It's a big sale. Yeah,
it's good to be connected.
I can't believe today of
all days, I couldn't tap in.
The day that the court sided
with the Reclamation Bureau,
you know? [CHUCKLES]
I could have stopped this.
- How?
- Gregory, Gregory, Gregory.
Information is power.
There, changed my profile picture.
And I've got so many people to
update that I've made a group chat.
I'm calling it Best Spuds.
Just hope I'm not too late.
- [SCREAMS, GASPS]
- What?
Just Us Justice tagged me in a
"your silence is deafening" post.
And Zohran Mamdani liked it.
Oh, I'm gonna be violently sick.
[GASPS] Oh, oh.
Gerald, sweetheart, are you okay?
Wait, what? No, I haven't
had my phone all day.
[MELISSA] What's wrong?
- Wait, really? Okay, all right.
- What?
I'm on my way. And you better
tell her don't push until I get there.
- Oh!
- [CHEERS]
Yes.
Okay, Taylor's water broke.
She's on her way to the hospital.
- Yes!
- [CHEERING]
- Oh, I spoke this into existence.
- Okay.
Oh! [GRUNTS]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Happy birthday, Sister Sloss!
Exclamation point.
Excuse my lateness,
it seems you will be sharing
a birthday with my grandbaby.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
That's how you do that.
So the bad news is you couldn't
make it a day without your phones.
The other bad news is
no other school did either.
This initiative was a huge
swing and a miss by me.
People need their phones
and the district is mad at me.
Damn. Any good news, Eeyore?
Well, yes. Uh, although you failed,
you did make it further than
any other school in the district.
So we're gonna give you the pizza party.
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah.
Why didn't you lead with that?
I could've been
gloating this whole time.
You see that, kids?
You still get to have a pizza party.
Uh-uh. You still have to
make good on our deal.
We don't want a pizza
party. We want a pizza day.
No learning, just pizza and
movies and fun. We shook on it.
Can't argue with that.
Surely we can.
Oh, right, that's what
I was supposed to do.
- What? Recycle?
- I never do that.
Says here to talk to
Emily from the district
about the HVAC while she's still here.
Well, damn.
Guess that kite has sailed.
[MICROWAVE BEEPING]
- This is nice.
- [GREGORY] Hmm?
- I said, "This is nice."
- [GREGORY] Hmm.